My Wife Is Impossible Because She’s The Breadwinner

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. My marriage of several years is going down the drain. My wife and I are both workers in the church, as well as very respected elders. It won’t be out of place to call us the typical born again. Our parents were very strict Christians of the Apostolic Faith Church. 

Our marriage was good because as a bank manager I could afford to take good care of my family.

My wife didn’t complete her education because we compromised and she got pregnant. Due to the strictness of our church doctrine and to protect the image of our parents, we rushed into marriage without praying about it. Even when our parents were asking questions, we lied about God giving us the approval to marry. The second one came almost immediately after the first child so she couldn’t continue with her school. By the time she indicated interest in going back to school, I felt it wasn’t necessary because the children were still very young. 

Besides, I felt the children were better with their mother around them so insisted on her running her own business. I even helped her along the line to get some contracts from some of my friends. 

I knew she was jealous of some of my female colleagues but since there was nothing to defend I didn’t think much of it.

However, I lost my job during the consolidation period and haven’t been able to get any, forcing me to depend on my savings and money made by my wife from her businesses. 

Since she became the breadwinner, not only has she changed but has abdicated the care of the children and home to me. I now cook, tend to the house, as well as the children while she claims to be busy looking for money for the family. If I protest, she barks and has now become so rude that everybody has noticed including our families. She doesn’t allow my people in the house anymore, insisting as the head of the family she cannot afford to provide for them as well as her children.

Although she graciously bought me a car when my former car broke down and gave me some money when I first lost my job, things are really bad at home. One of her grouses is that I didn’t allow her go back to school. I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to her. Each time I try, she insults me.

I am really fed up with all the insults and humiliation she is subjecting me to. I am thinking of ending the marriage and saving my pride as a man. I have lost my faith and confidence as a man but I am afraid that my children would suffer more if their mother and I decide to go our different ways. I love them too much to subject them to that.

Felix.

Dear Felix,

Many men have impossible women like your wife in their homes but are still married to them because they remembered to hand over the hearts of such women to God.

Without mincing words, women are the more unpredictable of the two genders. As a man, you should be prepared to accommodate these mood swings and sometimes very unreasonable behaviour from your wife.

The fact that you did not properly ask God for His unequivocal approval before rushing into marriage is the genesis of the problem you are currently experiencing. It is indeed a big shame that a Christian family like you painted of yours is having a problem that is as deep as yours and unable to find a common ground.

If you had involved the church, I am sure you both would have found emotional guidance from the leadership of the church. But it isn’t too late to because both of you as workers and elders in the church are role models. From all that you have narrated, the situation has gone beyond you. When a woman begins to insult her husband, not minding who is watching, that man has lost her complete respect and would take a person or institution she respects to get her back to her senses. There is no way the church would allow your marriage bite the dust.

But there is something very wrong here. How come both your families are unable to help resolve the crisis? There is no way they can claim not to know if she tells them all the things you claim she says to them. Why haven’t you gone to report to her family? If you have what is their reaction? Have you really prayed about the issue as a Christian and one who knows God and who has the faith in His powers? I would be the first to admit some marriages are very problematic, defy all solutions but with God, nothing should be beyond Him.

Have you considered the problem may be you? There is the possibility that her inability to go back to school is an issue you didn’t really count on her opinion, took a unilateral decision without putting her feelings, desires, dreams and emotions into consideration. How did you relate to her when you had a job? I am not making excuses for her but something must have induced these dramatic changes in her. From your own admission, she helped you in buying a car, gave you money when you first lost your job.

If she subsequently refused you, then you must have done something to hurt her deeply to warrant this behaviour. It could be your character or attitude that is the problem.

Seek her out and try to get to the root of the problem, if she refuses to open up to you for goodness sake involve the leadership of your church. Before you do that, seek the assistance of God. Beg for forgiveness and ask for His mercies in tackling these problems. If her arrogance is the issue, please commit her heart to God. He can make her be the type of wife you want.

Since marriages are a continuous learning process and readjustments, you can never know it all or get it right from day one. The stage you both went through has prepared you for the next stage. The challenges of this stage would never again be much of a problem to both of you should the situation ever arise again.

Economic problems form the bulk of the challenges facing married couples today. It is a landmine, which needs God-given wisdom to navigate. Nobody, but time has the panacea to it. You both need time to appreciate your worth in each other’s life. Like you rightly observed, the children suffer the more from separations and divorces. Forget your wife’s haughty attitude and go to her. Though you are the head, only the wise stoops to conquer since two wrongs can never make a right. She remains the woman, so rise above her and show her that you remain the leader of your home.

It may be an unpalatable preposition but who cares when your happiness and well being of the children is the concern here? It doesn’t matter any more who is right or wrong rather, what matters, is a peaceful and God fearing home.

With prayers and determination to succeed against all odds, your marriage would someday become the ideal. So create time to speak to your wife because no matter what, she remains your wife till death parts you both. 

Good luck.

I’m Lusting For Another Lady After 18 Years In Marriage

Dear Agatha,

 I have a problem. I am a Christian and leader in our church. Yet, I met a lady, a very sweet and adoring lady who I have come to love so much. She is single, working and pretty. 

The problem now is that I am married and have always been faithful to my wife. However, things in my home have taken a different turn since I met this lady. She likes me as a person and has made it clear she doesn’t want to have anything to do with a married man. 

The truth is I am unable to find happiness and joy at home anymore no matter what my wife does to make me happy. This lady is aware of her effect on me and my marriage and has since kept her distance. Yet, I am unable to get her out of my thoughts. I am feeling most miserable. I have done all in my power to try to forget her. I prayed, fasted and have discussed this with my wife, yet I couldn’t get over it. 

My wife and I prayed about it, bound and loosen, yet no change. I only wish I could get a divorce and get what I want but she has said she is not interested, because she wouldn’t want to break another woman’s home.

I want to forget her, yet she is all I can think of. Life to me seems cruel because one cannot get what he wants because of fear of incurring the wrath of God and the society and more importantly hurting my wife of 18 years and our four kids who I may not be able to explain my actions to. I am just plainly confused.  What do I do, to get over this?

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

The first thing is to accept the fact that what you feel is perfectly normal for most men who have been married for sometime. After 18 years, you are pleasantly surprised that another woman finds you interesting and irresistible. Before now, you probably were under the impression that your life was boring - following a particular pattern and that you have grown unattractive for any woman to take interest in. 

Finding out that this lady not only has interest in you but also would have married you had you been divorced or widowed, is so exciting to you that you have completely forgotten your responsibilities to your family. You are in your itching years; the period when men seem to get tired of living a routine life and crave for the excitement through something new. This is what middle age status does. You may not have realised it until now but deep within you, you were unconsciously looking for an escape route from the boredom you think your marriage has become. 

No amount of prayers can get this woman off your chest and thoughts if you don’t on your own appreciate your feelings for what they are. What you feel is a blend of excitement, infatuation, lust as well as pride at your ability to still attract the interest of a younger woman. Being ashamed of what you feel for this lady would make the problem remain a stubborn one to bury. 

It is a good thing you have told your wife about it since it would afford you the opportunity of discussing your marriage, her person as well as her feelings. It is obvious your marriage has become very stable and in need of some major surgical operation to make it appear new and exciting. 

This is the time for open honesty on your part as well as your wife’s. For you to be so affected by this lady, there are things you want from her as well as do to her that you are not getting from your wife or can’t do with her. 

Don’t be ashamed to share your thoughts and fantasies with your wife. Being a Christian shouldn’t stop you from having an active and exciting love life with your wife. If you probe your feelings deeper, you will realise from your feelings for this strange woman what is missing in your marriage. 

In addition to perhaps a boring sex life is also the appearance of your wife. How do you want her to look - the appearance that will touch you in that special place this woman is touching you? Trust me, there are issues in marriage that prayers can never resolve. Prayers can’t stop you from having sexual feelings or finding another woman exciting. This is nature; the only thing that can resolve it is that you you face reality and confront the problem with practical solutions like making your wife as pretty as the attraction outside your home. 

The devil here is not that woman but your feelings that is questing for some excitement. Insist your wife improves on her dress sense, shift from being a mother of four children to a wife and woman interested in keeping the attention of her husband. 

Let her know that you are more important than the children she has made her entire life; that you remain her first baby and that like her children, you are thirsty for attention. It is her duty to help you overcome this temptation this other woman has become in your marriage. 

The danger of what you feel is, if nothing is done by her to help you, you could actually get the divorce before considering the consequences. So, sit her down and tear up some of those rules that have made your marriage boring. Create a time for both of you to be alone as man and woman; to recreate some of those early moments in your relationship. 

This will help upgrade your marriage and provide you with more room to expand. Don’t be ashamed to say what you want; there is nowhere in the Bible where sex and excitement between husband and wife is tagged “sin.” God knew the power, influence and place of sex; hence his insistence it should be done within marriage. 

Forget about all the forbidden rules and face the truth concerning you, teachings and wants. Until you are able to get the kind of feelings in your marriage, the opium this woman has become will never go away. She will continue to torment your thoughts as well as marriage. 

Treat your marriage like a living thing. If you and your woman fail to drag it away from the stage it is in now, you would end up crippling it completely. A marriage is like a baby. There are stages it must pass through for it to work well. If a child who should be walking is still crawling, his parents would immediately begin the search for cure; so also, is a marriage. The cure of any marital problem is to keep the marriage alive by making it dynamic.

One other thing you can do to help your wife get into the act is for you two to go away on holidays; just the two of you. You both need the time to reconnect as a couple and not as parents. 

For 18 years, you have systematically forgotten what it is like to be a couple, living in the mold of parents, worrying about school fees, house rents, child discipline and care. When last did you two have a discussion that didn’t revolve round the welfare of the children? What was the last time you complimented each other on your looks or really enjoyed sex the way you both should? Better still, as the man, when last did you really derive tremendous pleasure from being with your wife, have creative and recreational sex and not the routine kind of thing?

Your prayer point is not to bind this lady but for God to give you the peace and grace to make your marriage what it should be. The only limitations is your imagination because there is nothing you want from that woman you cannot get from your wife if only you are willing to use your imagination to get your wife to cooperate with you. 

There is no age barrier to sexual pleasure, good and happy home. Once you find contentment and excitement in the woman you have at home, the thoughts of this lady would vanish from your mind. The truth is, she has nothing to offer you but problems in your home and life. 

Do yourself a world of good by helping your woman become your mistress as well as your wife. There is a lot of excitement for the man who has his wife as his mistress. Don’t allow that ego stop you from doing what you have to do. 

Good luck.