My mother-in-law is a tyrant

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a life eating problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house. Naturally, his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though she pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me but she has a way of making my life in that house hell on earth. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food and I make the attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me, that particular food isn’t eaten in her family. The worst thing is that my husband would come and not say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to them to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am all on my own, begging them to even like me a little bit. But it seems the harder I try to please them, the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house. I have been begging my husband to relocate at least a bit away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage but he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school which is six hours drive from home. Anytime I raise the issue of his family treatment of me, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage. And from the looks of things, it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom decided to build his personal home few inches away from the family house. My sister-in-law is over 30 years of age stays in the house. I am dying slowly. Please help me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way but, a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him. Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about, lack of insincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis. For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must during your courtship days, have done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because like most women, you thought you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother. The fact that you didn’t complain then, were willing to play along, means that if you really put in more efforts into this marriage, you will come overcome the battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those with very elastic patience. Even the toughest battles bow at the end of the day to it. From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-n-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating the excesses of every friend, relations and the negative side of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing the situation you are in to survive this marriage. One way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or force him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife? Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. If you are deep, you are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood and the joy of every mother is be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life caring for. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion no woman can resist feeling. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will defeat the situation as long as you have the right attitude to life. Your husband’s headship of his home didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from all those close to him. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they have on ground. You and your in-laws are like two combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you, your motives as well as your thoughts towards them just as you are of them. The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of acute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges within his family he should not experience at all. Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours; don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The trick is to device a means outside nagging or complains to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have-you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, let him see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house. For instance your desire to make him leave the family house could come as wishful desires. During intimacy, wish for more privacy to really be together, do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying. Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now. Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak. Until you leave the house, where you can, avoid confrontation, do it. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room. This way you get to cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen. This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person. It is also important to your survival, that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you. Good luck.

He appears stingy

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column and must commend your good work here. Do keep it going. I am actually writing on behalf of my friend who needs advice. But first I need to know this: must a guy be presenting a girl with gifts before he can be said to truly love the girl? Also, do you think that two people having a distant relationship may end up getting together in life some day? Well, my friend has this guy abroad whom she has not met before but has only seen through a picture. They have been talking on phone for over a year now. The guy says he loves her and she also feels she loves him too; obviously she misses him terribly and thinks of him all the time. But what she doesn’t understand is why the guy has not bothered sending her anything at all since they started this distant date of theirs. She, however, says that the guy tells her he doesn’t have a well-paying job over there, is trying to survive and see a way to come back to the country so they would get married. But personally I feel that irrespective of how hard things are for a guy, he can just try to present the girlfriend with some gifts to show he cares really. Honestly, I do not know what advice to give to my friend as she pictures having a future together with this guy yet she complains that the guy has not sent her anything. On certain occasions, she pretended to the guy that she had no money and the guy told her that she should stop working so he would know that he is working for two and would then start sending her money. Agatha, please how can you interpret this? Fine, the guy might not be stingy but does that depict love in any sense? And he goes on all day telling my friend that he loves her dearly and can’t wait to get back to be with her. My friend says the guy tells her that since they started talking, about 13 months ago he has not met any other woman sexually because he loves and respects her. And he also asked God to give him the grace not to mess with any other woman whenever he finds one he wants to marry. Please, could you say that the guy is being honest here as a man? Help me advise my friend as I want her to move on with her life rather than wait for this guy whom she feels she obviously loves. And she is worried as to whether the guy would be able to take care of her needs irrespective of the fact that she is able to take care of herself financially. Concerned Friend. Dear Concerned Friend, Three is always a crowd in any relationship. No matter how noble your intentions are, constant interference in this relationship isn’t healthy at all. If care isn’t taken, you would be ruining this relationship between your friend and her boyfriend. Step aside and allow both of them make their mistakes. Also, you must avoid a situation where you and your friend would quarrel over this matter. Yes, you have every right to be concerned but there are limits. Your friend is in love and from experience; it is the wrong time to try to convince anyone to be careful. Don’t discourage them. Allow them be. The danger of you insisting she leaves him may boomerang on your friendship. Overtime, she could begin to wonder and rightly too what your interest really is. You have told her your fears; allow her make her mistakes because it is through those mistakes she can learn to cope with life’s challenges. Your role as a friend is to be there for her always, not discouraging her from being in love with this man. Love can happen in unexpected places and situations. If both of them are able to manage the relationship and build on the confidence to make it work, it can irrespective of what you think. Doubtless, distant relationship has its drawbacks but a lot depends on the couple involved. First, they must have an understanding of each other as well as appreciate the risk of living apart. Problems come when the couples live on idealism, pretending that nothing can go wrong. The truth is, couples that stay apart face a lot of temptations in their relationships. Although those that live together too face the same challenges but the risk of extra marital affair is higher in distant relationships because there are days when the body chemistry is too strong to resist. This is where commitment and sense of responsibility to one’s spouse comes in. This is also the point where trust plays a vital role. Both of them need to talk openly about this vital issue and she must have the trust to believe what he says. If he says he hasn’t slept with a woman since meeting her, until confronted with evidences, it is in her interest to trust him and give him all the encouragement he needs to be on the right track. When a woman refuses to have confidence in the words of her man, she creates crisis for herself; sometimes as serious as the man forsaking whatever good intentions he has to make the woman happy. Until your friend is confronted with evidences of this man’s irresponsibility, it would be wrong to say he is lying. She has to learn to trust him on little things first. To distrust him is to call to questions the sanity of her feelings. At any rate, she knew this man lives abroad, must have put into consideration this salient fact before agreeing to a relationship with him. No matter how smart the man is, if she is able to get him whenever she calls, picks her calls no matter the time, she must learn to trust him a little bit. She can only worry when he is unable to pick her calls at a particular time, gives excuses for not picking her calls at odd hours, insists he does all the calling that she can suspect him of any thing. As for being stingy, it is a simple matter of what is important to your friend. In the first place, what is her motive for going into the relationship? If she is comfortable financially why is she lying about needing funds for something when she really doesn’t need it? Is her choice of this man based on the fact that he lives abroad? Before you can accuse this man of being miserly, there must be enough proof that he indeed has the money and is not ready to give her. Chances are that she may actually be better off financially than this man. The fact that he lives abroad doesn’t mean he automatically controls the vault of that nation. Relationship is also about understanding where the other person is coming from. That a man lavishes gift on his woman doesn’t mean he is in love with her. It could just be infatuation, lust or other emotion that isn’t love. He could also be refusing to send money to find out if she indeed is in love with him or only interested in his money. Like it is difficult for you to trust him, he could also be suspicious of what your friend feels for him. Your friend has to decide what is important to her, his money or his trust and friendship? They are not talking about relationship here; they are thinking of a lifetime journey together. Hence the need for her to be careful about the values she plays up. If he is a struggling young man, honest enough to say he doesn’t have excess cash to throw around, she has to make up her mind whether this is good enough for her or not. If money is her motivation for this relationship, she shouldn’t pretend about it. From all indices, this man may not be her man but if her intention is to marry him out of love, she must learn from this early stage to make the required sacrifices to solidify the foundation they are both planning to put up. It is also imperative you step aside for this couple to fuse, make their mistakes and learn from these mistakes. Good luck.

Help! Married, but pregnant for a married man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 30 years of age and married with four children but have never enjoyed sex with my husband. Before we got married, I told him about it; he was unhappy and angry with me but when I realised I was pregnant, we decided to get married. But recently, I have been seeing another man who is very good in bed; he satisfies me and he is the perfect size for me. I am deeply in love with him. He is equally married and claims to be in love with me but I am not really sure. I am four months pregnant for this man and have tried to have an abortion but all the four doctors I consulted are of the opinion that it is risky for me to do it. They say I might lose my life in the process. The man wants the baby but each time we are together, he is always on the phone with other ladies. But my feelings for him remain the same. I love him dearly but I don’t want to leave my husband who is also very much in love with me. But I am cheating on him. What am I supposed to do? Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, You are wicked. What manner of woman, wife and mother are you? Do you understand the meaning of love or what a marriage entails? Love isn’t selfish and self-centered. Love isn’t sex only. It takes much more to be happy in a marriage. Why did you agree to marry him in the first place when you knew from the beginning he wasn’t good enough for you in bed? Being pregnant wasn’t enough reason for you to marry him when you already knew that he will never be able to measure up to your requirement in the bedroom; knew that sex mattered to you than anything in life. It would have been better and more honourable for you to end up a single mother than the disgrace, pains, embarrassment and betrayal that you are about to visit on this man; whose only offence is to have married you. What is your definition of pleasure? You went into your marriage with your eyes wide opened; had the experience of his ‘size’, knew the limits he could go and what measure you could give. A responsible woman would have since learnt the act of helping her husband improve on his performance. Sexual satisfaction is relative. Some come from the actual act while a major part of it comes from one’s understanding of the whole essence of lovemaking. Only an infant concentrates understanding on the actual act of sex. A more matured woman knows that there is a lot of satisfaction and pleasure from the lips and fingers. What he lacked in size you would have steered him to make up for in other ways. The fact that you didn’t know how to step in to help his shortfall and aid your marriage recover from whatever problems you have polluted it with, underscores your selfishness as a woman and your lack of understanding of your role as a wife. If you have had four children for a man you claim isn’t satisfying you in bed, how many children will you have had for him if he were satisfying you? Isn’t there more to marriage than sex? What kind of story will you tell your children when this whole thing becomes public knowledge? If your daughter comes to you with this kind of messy story, what will you tell her? Even if you must have an affair, why didn’t you use protection? You cannot be said to be ignorant of the consequences of a man and woman sleeping together without protection. So why did you allow this man into your body without any form of protection? This tells the story of a total lack of respect for the man you have four children for as well as a total disinterest in your marriage. No matter how good the other man is in bed, you forgot you owe your image and children some measure of decency. It is quite unfortunate. Why didn’t you tell your husband if the issue bothered you so much? Between you both, you would have been able to work out something that will help you both come to a perfect understanding of your persons. In all honesty, there is no easy way out of this mess. You cannot pass this pregnancy off as your husband’s. Even if you plan to, the other man is already aware of being the father of your unborn child. He has a right to come and demand for his child anytime he deems it fit especially as he has expressed a desire for you to have the baby. What a man can get away with in marriage, a woman cannot. While this man can afford to bring a child from another woman into his home, you cannot do it. It is unheard of. Besides, you are a married woman; how can you be pregnant for another man? What kind of example are you setting for your children? Why will this so called boyfriend of yours respect you, when you don’t value yourself? What were you expecting; that he will honour you and cherish you for having an affair with him outside your home? That he will marry you or what? No man wants a woman he cannot trust. The fact that you are in another man’s house, a mother of four and having an affair with him, is enough for him to form a terrible opinion about you. Even if you become single today, you are not the kind of woman this man will feel comfortable to marry because you are just as capable of being unfaithful to him as you are with your current husband. Every man wants a certain measure of security with the woman in his life. Besides, there is no vacancy in his life for a woman like you. He is married and only enjoying what you have offered him. For all he cares, you are cheap hence can call several women in your presence. Men shield only women they treasure from the knowledge of their affairs with other women but cannot be bothered with women they have little or no regard for. In the opinion of the man, you are no better than the women he is constantly on the phone with. If you, a married woman, can have an affair with him and get pregnant for him, why should he pretend you are the only fling he is having? You stepped out of your home into his arms because you of what you think he has. The truth is when he is tired of you, he will walk you out of his bed. As for the pregnancy, you should have thoroughly thought about all your options when you decided to have this affair and, do it without any form of protection. Pregnancy isn’t something you can hide. You have to decide what you want to do urgently. But don’t be tempted to pass off this child as your husband’s. You may get away with it for the time being, but God has a way of exposing such acts. You have made one major mistake; don’t make another by following what you think is the easy way out. Consider the other children whose paternity you will be calling to question if your husband later finds out about this child. He may not be reasonable enough to conduct DNA tests on these other children before rejecting you and them. And even if he does agree to have the tests done on them, what about the children you will be subjecting to these embarrassing tests? Do you think you will ever be able to recover whatever little respect they have for you when they find out who you really are and how your insatiable quest for sex is denying them of respect and acceptance in some quarters? Do you know what harm you will be doing to your daughters should this matter explode on your face? While I have never supported divorce or separation on this page, I make bold to suggest you bow out of this marriage before you destroy your husband more than you have already done. He doesn’t deserve a woman like you. You will only be destroying him further and for another woman if you stay longer than necessary in this marriage. Since you are pregnant and unable to abort the child, coupled with the fact that this other man is asking you to keep it, use the little honour you have left to quit on your own. If your husband, at the end of the day, tells you to stay, that he will be able to live with the knowledge, at least let it be his decision; not yours to make. We are not equally gifted with the grace to forgive; what one man can tolerate, another one won’t. Just hope you have learnt from your mistake. Good luck.

I found condoms in her bag

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been dating my girlfriend for close to four years. We are very close and I have plans to marry her because she has the qualities I admire in a woman. But for Sanusi’s banking revolution, we would have got married in June this year. However, we are still planning for January next year. But something happened of recent that is making me reconsider my stance. Although she had tried explaining the incident but I am not convinced at all. Three weeks ago, she wasn’t by her bag when her phone kept ringing. She was in the bathroom so I decided to take the phone to her since the caller appeared desperate to talk to her. In the process of removing the phone from her bag, an opened packed of condoms fell from it. I initially didn’t notice it in my haste to give her the phone but when I came back to the room to pick the item that fell from her back, I was shocked to see it was a packet of condom. Since meeting her, I have never used a condom with her and don’t have any in my house. Two sachets were missing from the packet. I decided not to read too much meaning into it until she came out of the bedroom. I could sense fear in her the moment she saw what I was holding in my hands. She tried to bluff her way through it by asking what I was doing with a packet of condom but seeing the look on my face, she quickly changed her strategy and began to haltingly explain how she came about it. From her explanations, the only thing that I could grab was the fact that it belonged to her friend; that the said friend whose face I haven’t come across in my four years with her forgot it in her bag. When I demanded to know how her friend could forget such incriminating thing in her hands, she said it was in the process of their discussions and that the two sachets that were missing were taken out by them when they were having funny discussions women usually have about men. Ordinarily, knowing how witty she is and having listened to some of the things she and the friends I know say about men, I could imagine the things they could say when they were all alone. She and some of her friends are capable of saying anything about just anything. That I can handle because it is one of the things I cherish about her. But why I doubt her is the identity of this so-called friend. I have never met her and I can say categorically that I have met most of her friends. This is what worries me. The identity of this friend! Although I tried to discreetly ask the friends I know with her if they could recognise the name of this friend. Her two very good friends claimed she was one of them and that she resided in South Africa, hence her absence from their scene. I am trying very much to believe them but you know how friends are, always in the habit of covering up for each other. I am very disturbed about it all. I haven’t discussed this with anybody for fear of making a fool of myself. I am the one that deflowered her and still trust her. But Agatha, I don’t know what to believe: her words or the evidence in my hands. I love her so much. Please help me! Ademola. Dear Ademola, It is quite dicey but you just have to go by what you already know of her. Sometimes not all the evidences we think we have are real. In some cases, they can really be wrong and misleading. If one is not careful and of a discerning mind, a lot of things would have missed target before one realises where the mistake is coming from. To help you out of this, go back in time to what you know of her. Has she ever given you reason to doubt her; think she could be involved with another man? Do you think if she is that, she would place such evidence in her bag, a place she knows you have access to anytime? Women who cheat are not that careless. They are too smart to be caught; however, to convince yourself that you are not being taken for a ride, insist on speaking first with this friend. Without prior warning, ask her to dial the number of this friend of hers that you want to speak with her. Her reactions to this simple request would give you clearer picture into the game she is playing. If her story is true, she won’t hesitate to allow you speak with this friend and tell her what the packet of condoms she left with her is causing in her relationship. I sense a fear deep inside of you, the fear of not wanting her to know that you are capable of feeling insecure. It is your right to feel insecure when confronted with issues in your relationship that you don’t understand. It doesn’t make you less of a man but more of a human who can feel what every person who is in love feels. Let her know how that incident affected you as well as its likely consequences on your relationship. She has to understand the breach of trust that incident has caused to happen in your relationship. Once you are able to ascertain that the friend is real, forget about the incident. Love has a way of healing every wound in a relationship. But if she still hesitates to allow you meet or speak with her, know there is more to the story than she is telling you. At that point, demand for honest explanations from her, insisting it would be best she tells you the truth no matter how much it would hurt you than for you to find out later; that by then it would be impossible for you to consider any plea. After this you can take a decision on what is best for you. However, entrust everything to God and allow His will to be done.

My stepchildren don’t want me in their lives

Dear Agatha, I got married to a married man four years ago. I don’t know what happened between him and his wife but he agreed to marry me with my three children from a previous marriage. But from the day we got married, his children never liked me. From their attitude, it was clear that my children and I weren’t wanted in that house. Whenever my children wanted to watch a particular film, they would insist on watching another channel. When I also shared food, they will complain I wasn’t giving them enough; that my children’s share was more than theirs. In the beginning, I tried to ignore them but it got to a point I couldn’t take it anymore. Besides, my children too couldn’t tolerate being told what to do and how to live anymore in the house. My eldest daughter, who naturally is temperamental, took on the eldest of my stepchildren. The children naturally queued behind their own sibling. Out of anger, I also took sides with my children, warning my stepchildren that from that point, it was going to be tit-for-tat. Going down memory lane, I knew it was wrong but I wasn’t thinking straight that day. My husband was away when this incident happened but his children told him everything that happened including the position I took. Rather than listen to my side of the story and the reason for the position I took, he called my children to warn them against fighting his children in the house. That really got me angry. I felt very hurt and humiliated. From that point, I devised a means of relating with his children. I ensured that my children got the best of everything. After a while the children stopped complaining especially when the eldest went back to school. The other two, being twins left for the university at the same time. I noticed they weren’t coming home regularly as before. They would come, spend only a night and leave again. I didn’t bother to ask even though I knew I should. Since none of his family members supported his decision to marry me, I wasn’t expecting them to visit so was not surprised when none of his people ever came to visit us; not even the birth of my daughter brought any of them to the house. Their attitude didn’t bother me one bit. I noticed too that my husband’s attitude started to change towards me. Without explaining why, he stopped paying my children’s school fees. Whenever I went to him for their school fees, he would always give me a reason for his inability to pay. I soon got tired of going to him. Even when the children stopped going to school, he didn’t bother. But, whenever I wanted anything for his child, he would give me without complaining. Now his children are insisting that their mother comes back to the house. What more, his family members are also in support of his former wife coming back. Please help me. I don’t want to lose my home. All my overtures to his children have failed as they insist on their mother coming back to their father. He paid my bride price. What do I do? He married the other woman in court and weren’t formally divorced. Modupe. Dear Modupe, As long as he didn’t formally divorce his wife, you are married to another woman’s husband whether he paid your bride price or not. By right, the house belongs to her. And now that she and her husband appear to have sorted out their differences, you cannot stop her from coming back. It is you that has to decide what you want to do; either to stay or quit the house. But you can be rest assured that whatever decision you take must go down well with the first wife and her children. Although you cannot be blamed for marrying this man given the fact that he was without a wife when you both met; but from your narration, you are to blame for the things happening to you now. You didn’t behave as a woman who wanted to last long in this house or desired happiness for the people you met in the house. If you did, you wouldn’t have started with fighting the children in the family. In the first place, you and your children came to upset the routine of the children in their home. You came with your children to destabilise their relationship with their father. If they behaved in ways you didn’t like, more than anyone else, you should have understood their feelings and disappointment at the whole development. Having you in their lives was bad enough; coming with three children couldn’t have been tea party for them. Before you came, they had their father and everything in the house to themselves. Nobody told them what channels to watch or not to watch. You shouldn’t have gotten yourself involved in the battle of supremacy by the children. You should have allowed all of them sort out their differences in their own way by telling your children to respect the wishes of your stepchildren. A wise woman would have done everything to make her husband’s children happy by showing them true love; the kind they needed at that time to be happy. Encouraging your children to come and destabilise these children in their father’s house was a very wrong move, one that portrayed you to these children and their father as a wicked stepmother. If their father took you in with three children and was paying their school fees, what would it have cost you to be nice, accommodating and supportive of his children? Having accepted you and your children into his home and life, he expected you too to be a mother to his children; not fight or deny them of their rights in their father’s house. If things were that easy and simple, you wouldn’t have brought them to live with you in another man’s house or allowed him to pay their fees. Taking on the responsibility to care for your children was his way of telling you to be a mother too to his children. The moment you failed to do that, you destroyed not just his reason for marrying you but also that of looking after your children. The moment you umpired a fight between your children and his children in the way you did, you killed the dream that could have been between the two of you. You also unwittingly made him rethink his options especially as they will affect the future of his children. If you can encourage your children to fight his children in his house, then there is no telling what you will do to his children should anything happen to him. Sincerely, your actions told him all he needed to know about the kind of person you really are. Therefore, the decision to reconcile with his former wife may not be as a result of pressure from his children or family members but from your own haste to eliminate his children. No man wants to sleep with fire on his roof. Frankly, there is nothing you can do at this point beyond discussing his decision concerning you and your baby in the latest development. The native law marriage is the easiest to dissolve. It is a matter of going to your family to tell them he is no longer interested and to demand for the bride price he paid on you. When you had the chance to endear yourself to the children, you didn’t. There is no way they will align with you against their mother. When issues get complicated like this, the best approach is to be prepared for the worst: you being asked to go. If there is a way you can get to your ex, get in contact with him to train his children. It is his right to train his children. Good luck.