Dear Agatha,
I am an elderly man, in my late 60s, blessed with children who are all graduates and married as well as a sizeable number of grandchildren. I’m also a one-time widower and now re-married to one of the most remarkable women I have ever met. She too has been married before and has two children from her previous marriage. She is not only intelligent but very pretty and accommodating and unfortunately, these qualities that endear her to me are the very same threatening me.
The few of my friends who have seen her are envious of my good fortune at meeting such a remarkable woman who from all indices has what it takes any day and time to hold her own as well as make her man very happy.
One would have thought with my experiences in life, having stayed with a woman for over 30 years before losing her to death, I would be better equipped to deal with any situation I find myself in with a woman.
I have however discovered to my dismay that no matter how old one is, there is always a lesson somewhere for one to learn.
Agatha, I just want to unburden my heart and hope in the process some of the guilt I feel at the way I am treating this young woman I know God specifically brought my way would lessen.
In some strange ways I find it difficult to part with money or time for her. It isn’t something I want to do but I find myself doing it and from all that says to me, I know I am hurting her. In some morbid way, I want to see how far she can endure with me.
Honestly, she hasn’t ever given me any reason to doubt her but I think like all other women her interest in me has to do with money and not love. I can’t imagine a very pretty woman and one so comfortable opting for me if not because of money.
Frankly, I enjoy her company, love her with my entire heart because she has succeeded in bringing to the fore all the hidden hopes and emotions that died in me following the death of my late wife.
I sincerely want to spend the rest of my life with her but how do I stop hurting and learn to trust her? I am beginning to be afraid that if I continue to be this cruel to her, she would do what I fear the most, pack up the relationship for good. Already, she is beginning to complain about the way I neglect her.
Agatha, judging by your photograph on your **Sunday Independent** column, I know you are younger, in fact, of the same age with my current wife, but I have come with a sense of urgency for you to provide an old man with the wisdom to manage his latter years successfully.
I love my wife but I have seen and dealt with a lot of women in my time to trust any woman completely.
Smith.
Dear Smith,
I am glad that you know you are hurting an innocent woman who from all indications must love you sufficiently to take on the responsibility of caring and managing older stepchildren as well as numerous grandchildren.
A lot of women would shy away from it all considering the attendant problems associated with taking on older stepchildren who may or may not decide to accept any woman in the place of their mother.
If she is my age that responsibility is huge and must come from a heart that is loaded with love and trust for the man she has decided to spend the rest of her life with.
This is so because from your own admission, the attraction isn’t money induced. If you admit being stingy with your money and time when it concerns her, then you need to treat her with care else you lose a special gift God indeed decided to bless you with in your old age.
From what you have said so far, her decision couldn’t have been based on any material consideration but true love for you.
To help yourself understand why you are hurting an innocent person, take a retrogressive look into your past. What kinds of women were you involved with while your wife was still alive and after her death? Were they the kind of women who flocked around you as a result of money and other material considerations? Chances are they were for you to have developed this kind of behaviour and come to such conclusions that she must be after the money which ironically she doesn’t know you have since you have refused to part with any.
In the interest of this marriage as well as your well-being, it is important you find a way of burying whatever disappointments you had with all the women you got yourself entangled in, in the past to avoid you having painful regrets in your old age. You must be very lucky for God to have decided to bless you with this kind of woman so, don’t on account of whatever unpleasant experiences you had in the past allow her to slip out of your hands.
At your age, this is the time you need a woman the most in your life, someone to give you peace, companionship, care as well as friendship. These are the things you need to live a fulfilled life at your age, things money or just anybody cannot give you.
If you end up driving her away, you may be the worst for it because this is the age at which you need the presence of a companion the most. Very soon, all the children would be pre-occupied with their own families and may not have the time for you as they would have wished. Don’t hesitate to discuss your worries and fears with her, whatever the issues may be either from your past or with her in particular. She needs to know to be able to offer help as well as know what adjustments she has to make to integrate trust in your relationship.
You must learn to trust the person you see to be happy. This woman may not be 100 per cent perfect but from the little you have said about her, she is trying her best and would require your help to be what you want her to be.
By getting rid of the burdens of your past experiences, you will find it a lot easier to trust her.
She hasn’t done anything wrong to warrant your distrust of her. Give her all the chance to make you happy. If she is beginning to complain, it means what you are doing to her has already made her reconsider her decision to marry you, wonder what she has done to warrant your cruel treatment of her and possibly at the wisdom in her decision to marry you.
When a woman gets to this point in her thoughts; her husband risks losing her respect as well as her commitment to issues that concern him. This is not necessarily by having an affair but by withdrawing into her shell and refusing to give her best to him any more.
This is becoming the bane of most marriages whether young or old, the reason a lot of women are opting for single parenthood. Whatever your challenges are as a man, please for the sake of your happiness and well-being, discuss them with her and stop making her feel she made the worst kind of decision getting involved with you again.
Also learn to pray more than you have always done to make this marriage happy.
Good luck.
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