With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. I have just finished my secondary school education so I decided to spend few weeks with my eldest sister who is married with three children. Her eldest child is in JSS 3. It was my first time of staying over in her house despite efforts her husband has made to ensure my siblings and I treated his home as ours. My mother always had one excuse or the other for turning down his request for us to come for holidays.
After a while, he stopped asking us to come over but never stayed away from us. Every month, he would send my parents money as well as the rest of us. He also encouraged us to call him whenever we needed anything urgently. As a matter of fact he behaved more like the son and child of the family than my eldest sister. Many not familiar with our family history thought he was actually my mother’s child and my sister, his wife.
For reasons I didn’t know until recently, my sister and our mother were always at logger heads. And since neither of them was willing to say anything on the matter, we all decided it was the usual thing between eldest daugthers and their mothers.
On the occassions my father tried talking to my sister and mother about their soured relationship; it always ended with my mother challenging my sister to tell the world the real reasons for their misunderstanding. My mother on such occassions would tell my sister she regretted having her as a child.
Like us, my father gave up trying to broker peace between his daughter and wife.
The third day after I came, she encouraged me to go to the market to get some clothes for myself and told me to take my time. In my excitement at having such a huge money to play with, I forget my purse at home. I was almost in the market when I discovered I didn’t bring along my wallet containing the major money I wanted to use for shopping. The only money I had, was the N2,000.00 I kept inside my bag; the reason I didn’t discover my oversight until I got to the market.
I tried calling my sister since her shop was closer to where I was than the house but, her phone was switched off so I decided to go home to get my wallet.
I don’t know why I decided against going home as I planned. On impulse, I got down at her shop’s bus-stop. Just as I was about crossing the road, I noticed a car packed some distance from her shop; the car belonged to my father’s best friend. I was excited so made a dash for the car without thinking. Although the car had tinted glass, I could make out the form of my sister and father’s best friend kissing at the back of the car.
They must have seen me because my sister pushed him away, opened the door and gave me the most severe slap I have ever received. There was nothing she didn’t say, including the bit about my mother sending me to spy on her.
My father’s friend didn’t bother to come down, instead, he drove away from the scene.
I am very confused because I can’t just leave without telling my sister’s husband or my siblings and parents why I came back home only few days after I left to spend the holidays at my sister’s.
Agatha, please help me. I can’t stay with my sister anymore but, what do I say as my reason for leaving? I have lost every respect for her as my sister. The other issue has to do with my father’s friend. The man is like a brother to my father and was the chairman at my sister’s wedding ceremony. I know my sister has always been close to him, but I didn’t know they were involved.
Do you think I should tell my parents before he destroys my sister’s marriage? But, my sister is threatening to deal with me if I tell anybody what I witnessed. I am so confused about everything because she is one of the most responsible people I know.
Ewaoluwa
Dear Ewaoluwa,
You don’t have to tell your sister’s husband your real reason for leaving so suddenly. Simply tell your brother-in-law you are home sick and would want to go back home. There is no doubting the fact that your sister would gladly support your leaving as soon as possible.
The danger of staying has to do with the current mood your sister is in. In her present state of mind, there is no telling what she is capable of doing to you. She may not mean to really harm you but would have committed the act in anger before realising the import of what she has done. In situation like this, it always best to avoid regrettable circumstances.
Obviously, what you witnessed didn’t begin today and may not end because you saw the two of them in that intimate position. Your sister’s as well as your father’s best friend reactions show that they have gone too deep to care who is watching. It could have been anybody who walked in on them kissing in public. Therefore, if this marriage is going to break, don’t let the blame come from you. From the way both of them are carrying on, it is a matter of time for the two most important persons directly affected by this relationship to catch them in the act. But before then, avoid the cross and burden of being named in this mess.
Chances are your mother already knows but because she is a mother, has decided to deal with it the only way she knows how. This could be the reason the two of them don’t agree at all. Your mother is also avoiding being named as the cause of her daughter’s matrimonial problems. Often than not, people get very sentimental when issues like this comes up. Rather than address the real issue, they are forever looking for scape- goat to blame for their actions. Should you blow the lid on your sister extra marital affair to her husband, you would be her scapegoat since she is already alluding to you acting as spy for your mother. She would always find a way of making you appear to be a tale bearer which wouldn’t augur well for you especially as this is your first time staying in her house.
She can easily tell the world, it is to avoid problems in her marriage that she has always discouraged her siblings from coming to her home.
This is not to say you are supporting her, far from it but wisdom demands that certain things are best left to those who have the authority and right to say it. As her younger sister, one far her junior, you are not in a position to handle this matter or say anything beyond informing your mother, whose duty and perogative it is to inform your father.
In telling your mother, make it clear to her that your telling her isn’t to cause more problems between the two of them but for her to have a serious talk with your sister.
Honestly, this isn’t the time to reprimand her. Instead, it is the time for you and your mother to come together to pray for her. Obviously, there is more to this issue that meets the eyes. For a married woman to think nothing of kissing another man in public so near her shop, a place she is well known and where her husband or his family members can come without notice, underscores a nagging spiritual problem that may have nothing to do with her directly but a lot to do with your father.
Tell your mother, getting angry with your elder sister isn’t a solution. She must take an action to protect her daughter from herself. If nothing is done by her, to ensure she puts a stop to this situation, the shame won’t be only that of your sister but, of the entire family.
Encourage her it is also time for your father to be involved. He is the only one who has the capacity to confront his friend and apply the needed force to put a stop to this romance between your sister and his friend.
On your part, go on your knees to pray for your sister. She needs help and immediately too before she loses the love, respect and support of her husband as well as children. The reason you chanced on them is for you to stand in gap. There are so many things in life beyond our understanding and the more we ask questions, the more confused we become. In the school of life, one plus one don’t often add up to two. Unless your mother makes the efforts to wrestle your sister from this power overshadowing her, you will all share in her shame.
Good luck.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
How highflying job ruined my home…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Until I began to read you three years ago, I held the view that columns like yours were a sheer waste of newspapers’ space. But I have since come to realise through your efforts that people like you are not just doing great jobs, but that you are very gifted in what you are doing.
I know this problem may sound strange but I am really worried and afraid of its consequences on my home and life. What more, I feel I am responsible for it.
You see I married my wife a virgin 16 years ago. I married her a very timid and respectful woman. She trained as a teacher but from the very beginning of our marriage I made it clear I wanted a full time housewife.
From that time, she has remained at home tending to the children and me. I opened a shop near the house for her when she complained she was getting too bored doing nothing.
I really didn’t need the money from her because the salary I made as a top bank executive was more than enough for us to live in comfort.
Although my job was very demanding, I sometimes come home very late when the whole household was asleep. I naively thought she understood me very well.
Once or twice she I made attempt to protest my constant absence from home, but I always shoved aside such complaints. I reasoned she had no need to grumble because every year, she and the boys always visit any country of their choice. We have three children, all boys. The eldest is 15 while the youngest is nine.
I have never denied her anything within my powers to give. We have also never had any fundamental issue in our marriage. She does as I tell her. I was very much in charge of my home. At least, so I thought.
To make matters worse, I didn’t even perceive any change in her person or attitude until one afternoon on my way to an emergency meeting in Abuja, I came home to get some few clothes for the trip.
You can imagine my shock when I walked in on my wife and her lover. Right in my living room, he was kissing her. Needless to say, I couldn’t go for the meeting. I had to call on my deputy to go in my place. If I expected her to be remorseful, I was wrong. She told me it was over. That she was tired of playing second fiddle to my work. She told me that all the years we have been married, I have never treated her as a person. That the only time I know she is a woman is when I want to sleep with her. She told me to go and marry my work.
That night she didn’t bother to sleep at home. Fortunately, the kids were in boarding school, so I didn’t have to explain the whereabouts of their mother to anybody.
For two weeks, work was the last thing on my mind. It was the longest time I had been away from my desk without being on official duty.
When news of what happened in my home got to our families, my immediate younger sister and only sibling blamed me for neglect. She told me how many times she had come to my house and found my wife weeping and complaining about my attitude towards her. She took time to remind me of how she had tried to draw my attention to what I was doing to my marriage and self but that I didn’t listen.
My children also took side with their mother. As a matter of fact, my eldest son told me I wasn’t much of a father to any of them. He said, I should marry my job and money and leave their mother alone to be happy.
It has been six months without her and my children. It may sound strange but I have come to realise that certain things are more important in life than money, but I don’t know how to get her to even listen to me. I am a lonely man who needs his family back.
Agatha, please help me. I have forgiven her because I found out from my sister, that the date with the man I caught her with was her first and that they havent slept together. Through the efforts of my sister, she dropped the idea of filing for divorce. If there is one thing with her, she doesn’t lie.
I don’t know what to do to bring my sons and wife back. Please help me.
Zeb
Dear Zeb,
Go to her and your sons. We are all prone to making mistakes as we journey through life. The important thing about falling is our ability to rise again. Both of you have made mistakes and since you as the head of the home has come to that important place of realisation, that point when we take stock and know that we are responsible for the reactions of others around us, then solution is at hand.
Since your wife is close to your sister, get her to fix a meeting between the two of you. Even though you are willing to forgive and forget the past, there is the need for both of you to talk first. You have to know the deepness of her pains, disappointments, resentment, shame and determination to know how to approach the issue.
Don’t assume that simply because you have realised your mistakes, willing to forgive her and move your marriage on that she is keen on coming back to you.
Both of you must appreciate that for your marriage to survive its injury you must go back to the very beginning. You both need something vital and interesting from the past to navigate the future. Without the memory of your early days, even you may get to a point of regrets later down the road. Just like she has to answer the vital question of whether you are enough for her, you must answer the question of whether you will be able to delete from your memory the sight of her in another man’s arms.
Will you ever be able to trust her; beat your chest that she is with you all the way? I ask these questions not to discourage you but to make sure that you have really put this nasty experience behind you. The tragedy of asking her to come back while you are still holding her to her mistake would be too much for you, your children and marriage to bear. This is why you must exorcise completely the damage that incident did to your psychology as a man.
It is also important you get to hear from her what she intends to do with that relationship. Though it sounds out of place to discuss your wife’s other relationship with her but given the reality on ground, it is important you also get to hear from her and know where you actually stand with her. It would be dangerous for you all now to assume that she still want the same thing as you do.
Bear in mind she has suffered emotionally longer than you have done and has had more time to think of her options. It may not be easy changing her mind in a day. This is where you have to draw into the hertiage of your past. If she is right that you have never had time for her due to your work schedule, how do you plan to resolve that problem? How are you going to make out time for her now when you have never seemed to be able to do that? This is one question you must have a ready answer for before meeting her. Frankly, this is the crux of all these problems you are having in this marriage. You have to go to her with a solid arrangement to convince her that you are also willing to make the necessary sacrifice for the marriage.
One thing you must never overlook is this, a woman that has made up her mind to leave her home for another man must have given a lot of thoughts to the consequences. And for your children who are boys and your only sibling to go with her shows that she does have a point. She may be condemned for her decision but you pushed her into it.
The fact that you could delegate when you walked in on her and the other man, stayed at home for sometime after she left shows that all along you were simply using the job as an excuse to stay away from the home. It may not have been your intentions in the beginning, but over the years it actually became one for you to escape staying at home. Do you know the reason you have been running away from your home and family all these years? The knowledge is integral to the successful resolution of this issue between your family and you.
Even if you have made up your mind to leave the job, to have more time with them, you must be honest to admit why you have all these years deliberately neglected your family. Such admission would be of assistance to your wife in knowing where to pay more attention to in her appearance, home or relationship with you. It would also explain a lot of things, which until now have been a source of concern to her, like you having affairs outside the home. You will have to explain so many things to her and later to the children too.
The bottom line is that you must be ready to make extreme sacrifices while seeking this peace.
Above all, appeal to God who has all our hearts in the palms of his hands to intervene in this matter.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Until I began to read you three years ago, I held the view that columns like yours were a sheer waste of newspapers’ space. But I have since come to realise through your efforts that people like you are not just doing great jobs, but that you are very gifted in what you are doing.
I know this problem may sound strange but I am really worried and afraid of its consequences on my home and life. What more, I feel I am responsible for it.
You see I married my wife a virgin 16 years ago. I married her a very timid and respectful woman. She trained as a teacher but from the very beginning of our marriage I made it clear I wanted a full time housewife.
From that time, she has remained at home tending to the children and me. I opened a shop near the house for her when she complained she was getting too bored doing nothing.
I really didn’t need the money from her because the salary I made as a top bank executive was more than enough for us to live in comfort.
Although my job was very demanding, I sometimes come home very late when the whole household was asleep. I naively thought she understood me very well.
Once or twice she I made attempt to protest my constant absence from home, but I always shoved aside such complaints. I reasoned she had no need to grumble because every year, she and the boys always visit any country of their choice. We have three children, all boys. The eldest is 15 while the youngest is nine.
I have never denied her anything within my powers to give. We have also never had any fundamental issue in our marriage. She does as I tell her. I was very much in charge of my home. At least, so I thought.
To make matters worse, I didn’t even perceive any change in her person or attitude until one afternoon on my way to an emergency meeting in Abuja, I came home to get some few clothes for the trip.
You can imagine my shock when I walked in on my wife and her lover. Right in my living room, he was kissing her. Needless to say, I couldn’t go for the meeting. I had to call on my deputy to go in my place. If I expected her to be remorseful, I was wrong. She told me it was over. That she was tired of playing second fiddle to my work. She told me that all the years we have been married, I have never treated her as a person. That the only time I know she is a woman is when I want to sleep with her. She told me to go and marry my work.
That night she didn’t bother to sleep at home. Fortunately, the kids were in boarding school, so I didn’t have to explain the whereabouts of their mother to anybody.
For two weeks, work was the last thing on my mind. It was the longest time I had been away from my desk without being on official duty.
When news of what happened in my home got to our families, my immediate younger sister and only sibling blamed me for neglect. She told me how many times she had come to my house and found my wife weeping and complaining about my attitude towards her. She took time to remind me of how she had tried to draw my attention to what I was doing to my marriage and self but that I didn’t listen.
My children also took side with their mother. As a matter of fact, my eldest son told me I wasn’t much of a father to any of them. He said, I should marry my job and money and leave their mother alone to be happy.
It has been six months without her and my children. It may sound strange but I have come to realise that certain things are more important in life than money, but I don’t know how to get her to even listen to me. I am a lonely man who needs his family back.
Agatha, please help me. I have forgiven her because I found out from my sister, that the date with the man I caught her with was her first and that they havent slept together. Through the efforts of my sister, she dropped the idea of filing for divorce. If there is one thing with her, she doesn’t lie.
I don’t know what to do to bring my sons and wife back. Please help me.
Zeb
Dear Zeb,
Go to her and your sons. We are all prone to making mistakes as we journey through life. The important thing about falling is our ability to rise again. Both of you have made mistakes and since you as the head of the home has come to that important place of realisation, that point when we take stock and know that we are responsible for the reactions of others around us, then solution is at hand.
Since your wife is close to your sister, get her to fix a meeting between the two of you. Even though you are willing to forgive and forget the past, there is the need for both of you to talk first. You have to know the deepness of her pains, disappointments, resentment, shame and determination to know how to approach the issue.
Don’t assume that simply because you have realised your mistakes, willing to forgive her and move your marriage on that she is keen on coming back to you.
Both of you must appreciate that for your marriage to survive its injury you must go back to the very beginning. You both need something vital and interesting from the past to navigate the future. Without the memory of your early days, even you may get to a point of regrets later down the road. Just like she has to answer the vital question of whether you are enough for her, you must answer the question of whether you will be able to delete from your memory the sight of her in another man’s arms.
Will you ever be able to trust her; beat your chest that she is with you all the way? I ask these questions not to discourage you but to make sure that you have really put this nasty experience behind you. The tragedy of asking her to come back while you are still holding her to her mistake would be too much for you, your children and marriage to bear. This is why you must exorcise completely the damage that incident did to your psychology as a man.
It is also important you get to hear from her what she intends to do with that relationship. Though it sounds out of place to discuss your wife’s other relationship with her but given the reality on ground, it is important you also get to hear from her and know where you actually stand with her. It would be dangerous for you all now to assume that she still want the same thing as you do.
Bear in mind she has suffered emotionally longer than you have done and has had more time to think of her options. It may not be easy changing her mind in a day. This is where you have to draw into the hertiage of your past. If she is right that you have never had time for her due to your work schedule, how do you plan to resolve that problem? How are you going to make out time for her now when you have never seemed to be able to do that? This is one question you must have a ready answer for before meeting her. Frankly, this is the crux of all these problems you are having in this marriage. You have to go to her with a solid arrangement to convince her that you are also willing to make the necessary sacrifice for the marriage.
One thing you must never overlook is this, a woman that has made up her mind to leave her home for another man must have given a lot of thoughts to the consequences. And for your children who are boys and your only sibling to go with her shows that she does have a point. She may be condemned for her decision but you pushed her into it.
The fact that you could delegate when you walked in on her and the other man, stayed at home for sometime after she left shows that all along you were simply using the job as an excuse to stay away from the home. It may not have been your intentions in the beginning, but over the years it actually became one for you to escape staying at home. Do you know the reason you have been running away from your home and family all these years? The knowledge is integral to the successful resolution of this issue between your family and you.
Even if you have made up your mind to leave the job, to have more time with them, you must be honest to admit why you have all these years deliberately neglected your family. Such admission would be of assistance to your wife in knowing where to pay more attention to in her appearance, home or relationship with you. It would also explain a lot of things, which until now have been a source of concern to her, like you having affairs outside the home. You will have to explain so many things to her and later to the children too.
The bottom line is that you must be ready to make extreme sacrifices while seeking this peace.
Above all, appeal to God who has all our hearts in the palms of his hands to intervene in this matter.
Good luck.
Trusting him could be very dangerous…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
We have been in a relationship for about two years now, and have actually discussed marriage. Along the line, he informed me he was under pressure from his family to have a child. He said his mother is worried that at his age, he is yet to have a child. He is about 40, while I am 37.
I found it curious that his mother and sisters whom I have spoken with on phone did not pressurise him to make the formal move to marry me, but to have a child! He passed the pressure to me to get pregnant, as a condition for marrying me, after he must have confirmed that the pregnancy is his, which presupposes I haven’t been faithful to him.
As if that wasn’t enough, I also discovered he has said some very damaging, derogatory and unprintable things he has been saying about my daughter and I to someone I housed for more than two months. This made my guest to view my daughter and I as being morally bankrupt. Not only that, he also confided in this person his plan to relocate from Lagos where we both live back to our state. We are from the same state.
All the while, he made me believe he was planning to secure a better accommodation to enable my daughter and I move in with him after our marriage. Painfully, he would come and sit in my house to discuss my daughter and I in low tone with my guest without my knowledge. My source said the guest in question refused to tell him all that my supposed fiance said about me, which means I may never know the extent to which he has soiled my name.
I felt betrayed and hurt by the discovery that I meant nothing to a man who professed love to me. I never knew he would be so callous as to reveal my innermost secrets to a complete stranger, and also the shocking discovery that he had all along been lying to me about his real plans. He had nothing to say when I confronted him. I called off the affair. Now he is begging me to take him back, with the rather lame explanation that he said those things out of anger because he had information from the same person that I was unfaithful to him, which is not true. He has also not denied that he was making plans to relocate home without my knowledge. Is this somebody I can trust?
RSE.
Dear RSE,
There is a drought of trust in your relationship. Frankly, your relationship as it stands today has no substance to make it succeed beyond its current level. Your seemingly act of desperation to marry irrespective of whether the man is right for you as well as his lack of trust in your person are factors militating against the growth of your relationship. It would take more than mere promises on both of your parts to make it work. It would take honesty and determination to get this relationship back on track.
That he could reveal everything you told him about your past to your guest underlines the presence of a major flaw in your relationship before now. The truth is that in your bid to marry at all cost, you elected to ignore certain signs in his person and character. You have in the last 24 months build a dream on your own needs rather than on the viability of the relationship you are in.
Whatever the pains his obvious betrayal of your trust has caused you, time is now for you to really re-evaluate what this relationship is all about. And the first place to start is how much you know of the man you are so desperate to marry. On a scale of one to ten, how would you score your knowledge of him? Given what has happened, how much trust can you invest in him and the relationship?
Granted, he has come back to beg you but, is that enough assurance considering the damage he has done to you and your daughter? Deep down do you think you can ever bank on him to entrust certain secrets in his care in future? This is one area you should look and really consider before giving him your final answer. Can you tell how he would react to information about you from another person? Even if the information he got about you from your guest is true, there are better ways of handling such matters than sitting your guest down and passing all the information he has about you to the person.
A matured man would have confronted you with the information not engage in character assassination. The fact that he did this should make you very careful how you proceed with him. Marriage isnt just a today thing, it is a forever journey. Respect and loyalty are essential ingredients in the making of a successful union. You may succeed in getting him to walk you down the aisle, but how sure are you of getting him to stay faithful to you? Faithfulness isn’t just about him not having affairs with other women, but also in helping to preserve your dignity as the woman in his life. Even if your guest wanted to gossip about you, his willingness to also gossip about you encouraged your guest to say more.
Had he rebuffed your guest, there was no way information about your past would have been forced out of him by your guest. Honestly, this should be your real worry about coming back to him.
While you reserve the right to your decision, be sure you have what it takes to overcome the backlash. Certain things must be gotten right from the beginning of a relationship to prevent greater problems in future. If at this stage he is already giving you conditions for marriage, what do you think would happen when things don’t go as you plan? What promises does this relationship hold for you beyond your desire to be married? If you desire a happy married life, these are very important areas in your relationship you must have the boldness to discuss with him.
If he is unable to broach the matter, take the bulls by the horn by insisting on discussing them. Now that he is coming to plead with you to come back is your best time to put the relationship on the right footing. You must be resolute in finding out from him what he has against you and your daughter. Including your daughter in his tales to your friend is something you must not gloss over.
It shows a certain level of resentment against your daughter. It is important you know what his antipathy against your daughter is. It also points to the need for you and him to discuss the issue of your daughter clearly. Don’t assume he is comfortable with her coming to stay with both of you. This would inform how you proceed with him or the kind of arrangment you make for your daughter. You must know if his seemingly dislike for you has to do with the fact that you already have a child. It pays not to take things for granted. Ask him what his challenges are with you and the relationship. This step will help you get a clear picture as well as understanding into his person.
To get it right, you also need to take an introspective look at your person. Have you, at anytime, given the wrong impression about yourself to others around you? Though, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but sometimes we unwittingly give others reasons to gossip about us through the kind of lifestyle we adopt. It may no longer work for this relationship but will help guide you against similar mistake in the future.
The fact that your guest also had one or two things to say about you presents you not just as a poor judge of human character but a woman who has to be careful of the kinds of people she surrounds herself with.
Like I earlier said, the ultimate choice is yours but learn to be honest with yourself at this crucial point in your life. Rely more on the wisdom of God who sees the end from the beginning because what we think is what we want may end up being the opposite of what God desires for us.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
We have been in a relationship for about two years now, and have actually discussed marriage. Along the line, he informed me he was under pressure from his family to have a child. He said his mother is worried that at his age, he is yet to have a child. He is about 40, while I am 37.
I found it curious that his mother and sisters whom I have spoken with on phone did not pressurise him to make the formal move to marry me, but to have a child! He passed the pressure to me to get pregnant, as a condition for marrying me, after he must have confirmed that the pregnancy is his, which presupposes I haven’t been faithful to him.
As if that wasn’t enough, I also discovered he has said some very damaging, derogatory and unprintable things he has been saying about my daughter and I to someone I housed for more than two months. This made my guest to view my daughter and I as being morally bankrupt. Not only that, he also confided in this person his plan to relocate from Lagos where we both live back to our state. We are from the same state.
All the while, he made me believe he was planning to secure a better accommodation to enable my daughter and I move in with him after our marriage. Painfully, he would come and sit in my house to discuss my daughter and I in low tone with my guest without my knowledge. My source said the guest in question refused to tell him all that my supposed fiance said about me, which means I may never know the extent to which he has soiled my name.
I felt betrayed and hurt by the discovery that I meant nothing to a man who professed love to me. I never knew he would be so callous as to reveal my innermost secrets to a complete stranger, and also the shocking discovery that he had all along been lying to me about his real plans. He had nothing to say when I confronted him. I called off the affair. Now he is begging me to take him back, with the rather lame explanation that he said those things out of anger because he had information from the same person that I was unfaithful to him, which is not true. He has also not denied that he was making plans to relocate home without my knowledge. Is this somebody I can trust?
RSE.
Dear RSE,
There is a drought of trust in your relationship. Frankly, your relationship as it stands today has no substance to make it succeed beyond its current level. Your seemingly act of desperation to marry irrespective of whether the man is right for you as well as his lack of trust in your person are factors militating against the growth of your relationship. It would take more than mere promises on both of your parts to make it work. It would take honesty and determination to get this relationship back on track.
That he could reveal everything you told him about your past to your guest underlines the presence of a major flaw in your relationship before now. The truth is that in your bid to marry at all cost, you elected to ignore certain signs in his person and character. You have in the last 24 months build a dream on your own needs rather than on the viability of the relationship you are in.
Whatever the pains his obvious betrayal of your trust has caused you, time is now for you to really re-evaluate what this relationship is all about. And the first place to start is how much you know of the man you are so desperate to marry. On a scale of one to ten, how would you score your knowledge of him? Given what has happened, how much trust can you invest in him and the relationship?
Granted, he has come back to beg you but, is that enough assurance considering the damage he has done to you and your daughter? Deep down do you think you can ever bank on him to entrust certain secrets in his care in future? This is one area you should look and really consider before giving him your final answer. Can you tell how he would react to information about you from another person? Even if the information he got about you from your guest is true, there are better ways of handling such matters than sitting your guest down and passing all the information he has about you to the person.
A matured man would have confronted you with the information not engage in character assassination. The fact that he did this should make you very careful how you proceed with him. Marriage isnt just a today thing, it is a forever journey. Respect and loyalty are essential ingredients in the making of a successful union. You may succeed in getting him to walk you down the aisle, but how sure are you of getting him to stay faithful to you? Faithfulness isn’t just about him not having affairs with other women, but also in helping to preserve your dignity as the woman in his life. Even if your guest wanted to gossip about you, his willingness to also gossip about you encouraged your guest to say more.
Had he rebuffed your guest, there was no way information about your past would have been forced out of him by your guest. Honestly, this should be your real worry about coming back to him.
While you reserve the right to your decision, be sure you have what it takes to overcome the backlash. Certain things must be gotten right from the beginning of a relationship to prevent greater problems in future. If at this stage he is already giving you conditions for marriage, what do you think would happen when things don’t go as you plan? What promises does this relationship hold for you beyond your desire to be married? If you desire a happy married life, these are very important areas in your relationship you must have the boldness to discuss with him.
If he is unable to broach the matter, take the bulls by the horn by insisting on discussing them. Now that he is coming to plead with you to come back is your best time to put the relationship on the right footing. You must be resolute in finding out from him what he has against you and your daughter. Including your daughter in his tales to your friend is something you must not gloss over.
It shows a certain level of resentment against your daughter. It is important you know what his antipathy against your daughter is. It also points to the need for you and him to discuss the issue of your daughter clearly. Don’t assume he is comfortable with her coming to stay with both of you. This would inform how you proceed with him or the kind of arrangment you make for your daughter. You must know if his seemingly dislike for you has to do with the fact that you already have a child. It pays not to take things for granted. Ask him what his challenges are with you and the relationship. This step will help you get a clear picture as well as understanding into his person.
To get it right, you also need to take an introspective look at your person. Have you, at anytime, given the wrong impression about yourself to others around you? Though, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but sometimes we unwittingly give others reasons to gossip about us through the kind of lifestyle we adopt. It may no longer work for this relationship but will help guide you against similar mistake in the future.
The fact that your guest also had one or two things to say about you presents you not just as a poor judge of human character but a woman who has to be careful of the kinds of people she surrounds herself with.
Like I earlier said, the ultimate choice is yours but learn to be honest with yourself at this crucial point in your life. Rely more on the wisdom of God who sees the end from the beginning because what we think is what we want may end up being the opposite of what God desires for us.
Good luck.
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