Friday, September 6, 2013

I can’t satisfy a woman sexually


Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. The problem is my inability to satisfy a woman sexually. What can I do?
Mecus

Dear Mecus,
Although you didn’t specify what your exact problems are, the truth remains that having the right attitude towards lovemaking is the key to optimum satisfaction.
First accept your limitations as a man. Don’t assume you are perfect or that you know everything about lovemaking. This is the mistake a lot of men make. The fact that a man can get going with a woman doesn’t make him an expert.
The dance of time is such that the woman can teach the man some new tricks just as the man can teach her too. It is a symbiotic exploration that demands a man and woman must give and take.
If you have an open mind, you make it easier on yourself to look for the right prescription to whatever the issue is here. Sincerity, makes your partner more willing to help you overcome your peculiar problem.
If your challenge is that of size or premature peak, a right disposition can correct or address the problem. All you have to do, especially to get the understanding of your partner, is to tell her the truth from the beginning.
When it comes to the issue of sex, men especially should stop pretending and open up on their fears, failures, challenges and hope to their partners. Once your partner is aware of what she is dealing with, she will know what to do to help.
As long as you don’t leave her in the background or out of your problem, the woman would not expect too much from you or feel let down when you cannot meet with her perceived impressions about your ability as a man.
As I have often harped on, sex is more of imagination than the expertise of any man or woman. If a man has the perfect sense of adventure and has a partner who is willing to explore, no matter his size or challenge, the entire process will come out wonderfully well.
When it comes to lovemaking, there is no bad lover but wrong attitudes. If you apply your mind to look beyond your so called challenges and focus on how best you can function with what you have, you have passed the major hurdle as it makes it easy for you to accept the leading of your partner or suggestions from books and adult films on how to improve your technique.
Sex has to be constantly upgraded, distilled and rebranded like everything else to make it relevant to the people involved.
By liberating your mind from whatever impression you have wrapped it in, you make it easier on yourself to learn and accept different ways of doing the same thing.
Good luck.

She left me to marry another man


Dear Agatha,
I met a girl during our secondary school days. She attended a different school from me but when we met, we fell in love. 
During the time we started dating, I dedicated myself to observing her way of life as well as lifestyle; I found out to my satisfaction she was worth having as a wife. I therefore didn’t waste time to introduce her to my family. It got to a stage in our relationship she vowed never to marry another man. 
After our secondary school education we agreed that she should further her education while I go into business to enable me prepare for the future ahead of us.
With the consent and knowledge of her family members, I paid her enrollment fees.
Suddenly, she started rejecting my calls and when she manages to answer, she gives all manner of reasons for ignoring my calls.
Recently, I traveled home only to discover she is planning her wedding to someone else very soon without my knowledge.
What do I do before I do something crazy?
Hurting Man.


Dear Hurting Man,
The idea of life itself is a huge gamble. That is why some babies simply elect to go back on the day of their birth.
That you are alive is a testimony of your willingness to fight against the odds of life. Every stage and thing that happens to us in life is intended to help us move on to a better and higher level.
There is no teacher like experience. At times it comes with bitter pills but it eventually opens the way for a better choice.
Obviously you misjudged this lady and her interest in you. You were in love with her but she saw in you, an opportunity for her to move on in life.
No matter how hurt or disappointed you are, don’t do anything stupid. She isn’t worth your time and attention. At least, she didn’t allow you to waste your time and money training her through the university before dumping you for another man. Whatever you feel, still thank God for this early exit. It gives you the time and energy to pursue a more viable relationship.
However, the lesson will only make meaning if you look past your pains to what you did wrong as well as the signs you ignored in her.
Sometimes, when we are too much in love, we become careless and blind to signs we should have taken very serious.
Honestly, she wasn’t meant for you else she would never have married another man. Irrespective of the emotional pains you are going through, be glad that she didn’t wait until you are both married to manifest her true feelings towards you. Had she waited till then, it would have been very devastating for you.
See the money you have spent on her so far as one of those gambles we make in life. As a businessman, you should be used to bad investment decisions. This is one of them. Your speculation simply didn’t work. A true businessman rebounds fast so as not to collapse his investment after suffering a set back.
Move on by forgetting her. To you she has become history; a teaching aid used by nature to teach you a fundamental lesson about life and relationship. This kind of lesson is one you don’t forget in a hurry because of its importance to you.
For now, don’t rush into any relationship to enable you get the nasty feel of this experience out of your system.
Besides, having just finished secondary school, you assumed too much and took a huge risk on your future by abandoning your education for her. What makes you think you cannot combine growing your business with going to school?
Whatever her reasons for abandoning you for another man; make a resolution to make it irrelevant in your life by going to school. You will always need the power of knowledge to make your business perform better.
See her treatment of your love and support as the clarion-call for you to revalue your life and make the necessary corrections while you still have the power to.
If you cannot sit for the regular examinations, apply for a part-time programme to give you time to manage your business. The focus on your studies will help remove the thoughts of women from your mind for the time being.
By the time you are ready again to love, you will be doing it from the position of strength and maturity. You failed to notice her true character because you allowed passion to influence your decision. When you are ready for a more serious relationship, you will discover that there are more important qualities to look out for in your partner than those you played up in this relationship.
The funny thing about relationship is, even if both of you went into a written agreement, you cannot force her against her will to remain true to the promise. You cannot report her to the Police.
Don’t forget she went into this relationship of her own free will and she is walking out also of that free will.
There is nothing you can do at this point but to accept the situation as it is. Her parents you could have reported her to, are parties to her decision so allow the matter to rest. This is certainly a blessing in disguise; one you will have reasons to be grateful for.
When you find the right woman; who loves you unconditionally, you will look back at this point in your life, and bless God for His mercy.
Good luck.
Share a problem With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Should I trust my dreams?


Dear Agatha, 
I’m in my mid 20s while my boyfriend is precisely 30 years old. We have been dating for five years and he has never mentioned anything about us spending the rest of our lives together.
Recently, I jokingly raised the issue of marriage by lying about someone coming for my hand in marriage. 
To my pains, he said, I should bring the person to him for assessment and blessings. I was disappointed at his response. Apart from some of his siblings, nobody in his family knows about us despite the length of time we have been dating and our ages. He is a final year student of mechanical engineering and I’m a secondary school leaving certificate holder working with one of the national newspapers. 
There is this guy in my area who has been disturbing me for close to four years for a relationship. We are close and he wants me to meet with his parents as he doesn’t want a secret affair. He just got an employment letter but hasn’t started and in some of my dreams, he has been shown as my husband while my boyfriend is either introducing someone to me or giving my things to other women or telling me about his ex in my dreams
Please, Agatha, I’m confused. Help me.   
Worried Lady.


Dear Worried Lady,
If God through your dreams has revealed at various times in explicit terms who among these men is your husband; why are you still confused?
Unless of course, you don’t trust the God you serve or think the dreams are all figments of your imagination. You are among the lucky few who have this special gift to see ahead of time.
I’m sure a lot of mistakes many women make in the choice of life partners would have been averted by them if they have this kind of gift.
The issue here isn’t that you don’t know who among the men that is yours but, that you don’t trust God and His choice for you. Deep down, you appear to prefer the other man because of the number of years you have both dated; this is natural given the time you have spent with him; developing understanding into his nature and behavior. At least you can tell to certain extent what to expect from him at any given time. Unfortunately that is as far as this goes.
If you keep thinking along this line, you risk being unhappy for the rest of your life. There is always a time and season for everything.
Those dreams are not coming by accident; they are meant to guide you to making the right decision. so don’t ignore them at all.
That you have both spent five years of your lives together; doesn’t make it automatic that you would end up spending the rest of your lives together. You came into each other’s lives to learn and take something to your permanent homes. You are transit lovers who have to part to be with the people God has designed for your voyage in life. Don’t attempt to wrestle with what has been pronounced to be your destiny.
Rather than prolong the inevitable, why not take your dreams as opportunity for you to move on? The fact that he hasn’t bothered to take you to his family or talked about marriage means he isn’t as interested in you as you think.
In addition, he is yet to graduate, an indication that he still has a long way to go unlike you, who wants to get married now. He also may not want you on account of your limited education but is unwilling to tell you to avoid hurting your pride.
Relationship is one of the most complex things in life. So many things go into making it a success or failure. What works for some people may not work for others. While some men may not think your level of education a problem to them, some would consider it as the main reason they cannot marry a certain woman.
You may love him but this love may not be sufficient to make him happy with you or you for that matter over the years.
Besides, why do you think he should marry you? What kind of agreement did you both enter into when you agreed to date? Did he promise you anything other than a relationship when he came to ask you to be his girlfriend? Since you say he has never mentioned marriage; it follows that your agreement with him was a relationship.
It would therefore be wrong on your part to accuse him of not talking about marriage when he at no time gave you the impression that he had anything but relationship on his mind.
Truthfully, he hasn’t lied to you or gone back on any of his promises to you. It is you that wants more from him, read a lot of meaning into a situation you weren’t supposed to take beyond a certain point.
You are making the same mistake many women before you  made; wrong assumption that every relationship must end up in marriage irrespective of whether the man wants it or not. Life doesn’t work like that. There are some people planted in our lives to help us grow; some come with positive influences while others come with negative influences. Whatever the reason; we are supposed to learn from our experiences with such people.
That you have been able to stay with this man for five years; means you are faithful and able to tolerate situation. These are the qualities you should build on with your new man who will need your support, understanding and friendship to excel in the years ahead.
If you focus away from the marriage thing to the indelible lessons you have received without paying a penny from this relationship, you will be amazed at the rich heritage you are taking with you into your life with this new man. No experience is useless.
If your new man is offering marriage and the chance to meet with his family; the same things you want from the man you dated for five years and didn’t get, you should be happy that God is using the new man to compensate your patience and understanding.
When it comes to marriage, God has the master plan. You cannot go wrong if you depend on His decisions and choices for you in life. You may not feel this petrol kind of love for this man now, but if you give yourself the chance to be happy by getting to know him better, you will discover the treasure base that he is to you.
Like a child in the eyes of the parents, you need the help of God to navigate life better.
If you are worried that the new man is rushing you, let him know you need a little bit of time to really be sure you both want the same things from life.
Don’t fret he would be disinterested in you if you make such demands. If he is your man, he would understand even that you are not telling him. Learn not to be desperate; ask all the questions you want to ask him to reassure yourself that you are on the right track.
Above all, flow with God. If you still doubt what you are seeing in your dream, go back to Him for more directions. Like the good Father that He is, He will always talk to you in the language you understand best. The only thing is for you to trust Him implicitly and allow His will to prevail by giving this new man a chance in your life.
To make sure you end within God’s plans for you, end your relationship with the other man. Tell him you have decided to move on with the new man in your life. Don’t make the mistake of dating the two of them concurrently. Also, let your new boyfriend know about him and your relationship with him. Don’t hold anything back to prevent other people telling untrue stories about you. In addition, give him information about your educational background as well as everything else about you.
This way, both of you will be starting on a very clean and fresh slate.
Good luck.
Share a problem with Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

He isn’t keen on marriage


Dear Agatha,
I will be 28 years this month. I just finished my youth service and searching for a job. I also want to further my education.  
I have been with my boyfriend through out my university days.
Before I met him however, I had dated another guy who actually deflowered me.  Due to certain circumstances then, we went into different universities and unable to function well as a couple
As time went on, his behaviour changed towards me. He not only stopped calling me but plainly didn’t care about me anymore.  
It was during this period I met my present boyfriend who loved and stood by me all through my university. 
But my problem is, when I discuss with him on marriage and how I would like to spend the rest of my life with him, he would say, he prays things turn out like that because he hasn’t found his feet as a man; that he has a long way to go, being the first child in his family whose responsibility it is to train his younger ones. 
This always makes me feel bad because I haven’t loved another guy since I met him in school. Earlier in the year, the previous guy came back pleading with me to come back to him. He claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  He currently works with a private establishment in Abuja.
Due to he got me pregnant, treated and abandoned me back then, I am still angry. He told me when I informed him about the pregnancy to get rid of it as he wasn’t ready to be a father. I felt and still very bad at the way he treated me. 
I am of the opinion that he might never really respect me as a woman if I get married to him.  Since coming back to my life, he has been persistent on the issue of me marrying him.  
I don’t know what to do because my boyfriend is not financially stable as a man. In addition he has given me the permission to get married if I see anyone I want to marry. He says he doesn’t want to be selfish by asking me to wait for him to be ready.  Some prophets have told me he is my husband but why doesn’t he keep urging me not to wait for him? 
Please help me because I’m so confused right now on who to settle for among the two of them. 
Despite our misunderstanding he never fails to put me in order when I step out of line neither has he exhibited any form of disrespect to me.  Should I forget both of them and face my career waiting for the right man to come?
Confused Lady.


Dear Confused Lady,
What right man are you waiting for when you already have one who evidently loves and cares so much about you?
If you can afford to wait for the right man, why are you then in a hurry to leave this man who according to you has shown nothing but love and respect towards you?
The poor boy hasn’t said he isn’t going to marry you but seeing how desperate you are about marriage, he is only trying to be careful so you don’t vent your frustration on him in later years. Giving you permission to marry another man is to remove him from your pressure line.
From your discussions with him, he knows you are determined to marry at all cost. He doesn’t want to be the one to discourage you despite loving you from doing what you have obviously set your mind on.
Having explained his predicament to you, what he expected of you is to come up with a more realistic plan; one that will work for both of you. But since you lack understanding of his challenge and family responsibility, he is left with no choice but to give you a leeway out.
There is no debating the obvious; this guy loves you too much to want to keep you in a relationship against your will. He is willing to be hurt to procure your happiness. He is conscious of the saying that when you love a thing too much, give it freedom to go; if it comes back, then it is yours.
The question now is, how much do you love this man or understand the meaning of the word? If you do, you would appreciate the totality of this man who has shown you nothing but love. A wise woman, who loves her man, would ask him how much time he needs to be ready, not to look for alternatives like you are doing.
Sincerely, you have not demonstrated the attribute of a woman who knows what she wants from life or one this man can really rely on in time of trouble.
Marriage is not just about the glitz and glamour of the wedding day; it goes beyond that. it is a complex web of many intricate designs woven into it. You must be sure the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with has the right temperament, attitude, respect, understanding and tolerance to help you come to your full dreams as a woman.
If your first boyfriend after giving him the precious gift of your womanhood, can discard you so easily, insist you abort his pregnancy without care and consideration for your feelings as well as wellbeing, what assurances do you have that he would treat you better if you agree to his proposal?
What if in the process of procuring the abortion he so carelessly insisted you do, something happened to you, would he have a woman to come back to? Not every woman that went for abortion came out alive.
If you didn’t have the love and care of your present boyfriend, do you think you would have recovered as fast as you did to concentrate on your studies?
No matter what you think, your current boyfriend even if all he gave you was support, contributed to the story of success that you are today. Peace is the greatest gift of all in life. that he gave you peace of mind to graduate, is more than whatever your former boyfriend is offering you now. The fact that you had him as a stable force in your life prevented you from adopting a certain kind of lifestyle that would have made you notorious and unattractive to any serious man.
There is wisdom in this adage; too much haste, less speed. When one is desperate, there is the every likelihood that one becomes very prone to making costly mistakes.
If there is anytime you need to exercise patience in your life; it is now. True love comes with so much sacrifice; sometimes painful ones but these are the things that give character and foundation to our choices.
Rather than try to rationalize your quest for a new boyfriend, why not go back to your boyfriend and try to reason with him? He cannot wait for ever. He must have a kind of plan. Tell him to key you into his plans. He is not saying anything so far because he thinks you are not interested in whatever he has to say outside giving you a definite date. There is no separating sacrifice from love. You have tried and tested this man; and he never disappointed you. Reason and talk with him to prevent future regrets later in life. There are some rushed decisions one never recovers from its consequences. Don’t make the mistake of throwing away a good man simply because you think you are getting on in age. Life doesn’t work that way.  The truth of the matter is that good men, like good women are hard to come by these days.
A truthful discussion  with him in addition to a heart that is ready to plant, will help you come to a decision you will never regret making. You cannot reap without first sowing a seed; it is the way life functions.
Since you won’t have considered going to your first boyfriend if your present boyfriend had agreed to marry you instantly, why are you thinking of him at all? It means you don’t really want him but considering him on account of your desperation. Marriage borne out of desperation, ends up in depression.
Importantly, place your desires before God always.
Good luck.
-Share a problem  with Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

He wants pregnancy before marriage


Dear Agatha,
I am three years older than my boyfriend and we have been dating for the past six years. Recently, he travelled out of the country, but we talk almost everyday. He informed me during one of our discussions that he desires I get pregnant immediately he comes back home. According to him, my getting pregnant would hasten the process of our getting married.
But I don’t want to hurt my parents by getting pregnant. Besides, I want to get married in the church and not the way he is planning the whole event.
When I told him I wasn’t ready to get pregnant or do as he wished, he said I wasn’t ready to get married.
Please advise me on what to do.
Betty.

Dear Betty,
This is the juncture in your life you get real with yourself. The more you pretend to be who and what you are not, the more complex and complicated your life would be later in life.
One thing you have to get right here is, this is your life. Your parents, friends, siblings all are living their own kinds of lives. If at the end of the day you are unhappy with the choice you made in your bid to please others, you will have nobody but yourself to blame.
If your major concern is what your parents would say about the proposal of your boyfriend, the real question here is, are you not ‘sleeping’ with your boyfriend? When a man and woman ‘sleep’ together, what happens? Is that not itself contradicting your so-called current position? You want your parents and the church to think you are still a virgin when in actual fact you are not? What you are trying to do is deceive the church and your family into thinking you have remained faithful to their teachings when in reality you have failed them by having pre-marital sex with the same man you don’t want to get pregnant for now. Is that a bit hypocritical?
God sees our most hidden secrets; nothing is ever hidden from His omniscient eyes. So you are not deceiving anyone but yourself at the end of the day.
Many marital challenges women face in their later years would have been avoided by being truthful from the beginning. You stand to gain more from life by being honest with yourself. This is important if you want to enjoy marriage.
Your objection to his suggestions would have been understood if you had refrained from sleeping with him from the beginning of your relationship. He would have understood where you are coming from. The fact that you have both been sexually involved gave him all the right to make this suggestion.
After six years of being together, dreaming and planning a life together, your answers to his suggestions should have been measured, not immediate as you told him.
Transiting a relationship into marriage requires a lot of wisdom and prayers. Definitely, you have the right to be angry at his suggestion which presupposes that you either have problems getting pregnant as a tool of bargain with his family to accept his decision to marry you.
If it is the latter reason, you should commend him not fight him for suggesting it as a water-tight option for both of you to be happy together. The wise thing would have been for you to wait for him to come back to the country before voicing your objections.
Sensitive issues like this are best discussed when both parties are together. You would have been able to argue and iron out all the rough edges without provoking a crisis in your six-year-old relationship.
As it is now, unless you take the step to re-open discussions with him on the subject, this relationship is on very shaky grounds, especially as he is out of the country. Anything can happen; a tiny distraction with a woman down there may see him deciding to stay there forever. Because he is angry at you, he may not bother to rethink his hasty decision over until too late.
Honestly, what you should have objected to isn’t what he said; many men in his shoes would have done the same, but his lack of absolute commitment to the dreams you both share.
Asking you to get pregnant before he marries you is like asking for insurance against barrenness. This is what you should have protested against, not what your parents and church would say to you being pregnant before the wedding day.
He had no right to ask this of you unless he isn’t comfortable with three years age difference between the two of you as well as the kinds of risks you have taken with him.
If you weren’t too wrapped up in your own anger, you would have been able to read between the lines and deduce what his real fears are. Though you didn’t give your ages, but if you have been together for six years, you are in your prime now. Men don’t think the way women do when it comes to the issue of a woman’s reproductive years.
Rightly or wrongly, he may feel that being three years older than he is, you may have challenges getting pregnant, unlike a younger woman. This has nothing to do with the way he feels about you. He must love you enough to have stayed with you for six years despite knowing he is younger by three years.
But he is a man with some responsibilities to himself and family. Every man desires to procreate himself someday. Deep inside of him, he is afraid of what would become of him later in life.
As one who has shared his space for the past six years, you should have recognised what his real fears were and taken steps to assure him. You could with good wisdom dispel his fears and gotten him to do your bidding without him being aware of it.
Every man has an ego that has to be constantly massaged by the woman in his life. All you needed to do at the time is to patiently plead with him to come back home first. Once home, a combined effort of your maturity, understanding and respect for him would have made him realise what he would be missing in you should you decide to leave him.
The bottom line of all these is that you haven’t really been able to grow the relationship beyond that point you both started with. If you had, you would have been more sensitive to the ways of your man and taken steps to avert a major disagreement like you are having now.
But beyond your anger are the issues of what you want and the importance of the relationship to you. Should he make good his promise not to continue with the relationship, how would you really feel? What would you be missing about him? Would your parents’ presence be enough to erase him from your mind and memories?
From my experience, there are certain things prayers alone cannot achieve; you must act to make it work.
There is no success without pains. No perfection without sacrifices. What are you willing to do to save this relationship from the abyss? What would be more pleasing to your parents and you at the end of the day? Having children or having a virginal wedding?
Some things are meant to last forever. Would pretending to be a good girl to your parents and church on your wedding day give you the melting warmth of a baby’s soft cuddle or the winning smile of a naughty teenager?
How will you feel if you hear he is married to another woman? Would you be glad at that news or cry at the folly of your decision?
This is the point you have to be very clear about what you want from him and life. He has told you what he wants from you. Are you ready to? How much do you really love this man? What kinds of sacrifices are you willing to make for this relationship to work?
Once you are clear about what you want; call him if he is still abroad and ask him one question aimed at helping you resolve the issue finally. The question is; what would happen to the relationship if you are unable to get pregnant? This way, you will be transferring the burden of guilt and decision to him.
His answer will definitely point you at the direction to go.
Good luck!