He’s nice, but too old for my liking

Dear Agatha, 

I am 20 years of age and reside in Abuja. Before I gained admission into school, I was working and met this man who declared his love for me. He is actually responsible for my care and stay in school. But the problem is I don’t love him at all, already he is talking about marriage. He is 38 years of age. I don’t know what to do because I am in love with a guy who is 24 years old. 

Please tell me what to do, as I cannot displease myself to please him. 

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

You cannot displease yourself yet you are willing to make him displease himself by paying your schools as well as picking your other bills? 

If you know you have a boyfriend you are in love with, why are you making this man take on your responsibilities and investing his time and emotions on you? Why haven’t you told him to go his way; that you don’t share in the kind of dreams he has for both of you? Why are you accepting all the attention, support and care from him when your mind is given to another man? And do you even know the meaning of love? If you actually claim to love your boyfriend, what kind of sacrifices are you willing to make for the sake if the love? Love comes with so much sacrifice. You should be willing to endure discomfort for the sake of love. If you don’t teach yourself now to endure certain situations, when would you learn to do it? What you are doing now is eating and having your cake. You want the comfort the money of the other man can give you and at the same time you want the thrills of the company of your youngish boyfriend. Life doesn’t work like that. Something must give way to something for a wholesome life.

What you are doing isn’t right at all. Even though you haven’t said it in explicit terms, you don’t want him because you consider him deep in your heart to be too old for you. You don’t love him because you think he lacks the excitement your current boyfriend is giving you. Sincerely, what you are doing is akin to defrauding the man of his hard earned money and could actually spell doom for you later in the future. This is because this man is doing this on the understanding you will become his wife. This is a fact you are aware of. He is training you in the university as his wife, to better your lot in life and to take away some pressures from him later in future. At 38, he is under the impression he has reached his final bus stop, hence is holding nothing back to ensure you don’t lack anything.

It would therefore hurt him beyond measure when you finally tell him that all his investment, both financially, emotionally, materially, spiritually are in vain. By then you would not only be hurting him physically but spiritually as well. 

And this is where the problem usually comes in situations like you have created for yourself. Although so many women think there is really nothing to it and often laugh or scoff at the ideal of a spiritual angle to these issues. The fact remains that the spiritual implications are often than not very disastrous for a woman who intentionally leads a man on knowing that she would never marry him. 

It is always better not to begin something you cannot finish, refuse the sponsorship of a man you are not ready to marry. 

To forestall any future pains and plenty of regrets later in life, do yourself a world of good by coming out with the truth concerning your feelings or plans. Let him know now that you cannot marry him because you don’t feel the same thing he feels for you. The worst that can happen is that you would lose his sponsorship and care. It isn’t right for you to allow one man to train you only for you to marry another. If you truly love your boyfriend and believe in his person, you won’t disrespect him by allowing another man to train you. 

Besides have you thought of the implication on your relationship if this boyfriend of yours finds out that you are involved with another man 14 years his senior in age? You are just as capable of losing the trust and love of this young man in the same way you would the care, attention and support of the older man. Whatever happens, please tell him the truth. Make the choice today before it’s too late for you to redeem your image as well as protect yourself against the backlash of what you are doing. Learn to be honest with yourself, it is the only way you can live life without hassles.

Good luck.

Caught her pants down with another man…

Dear Agatha,

Is it a sin against God to divorce a woman caught sleeping with another man?

Chrysogonus.

Dear Chrysogonus, 

Adultery is the only condition given by the Bible for which a man has a legitimate and religious ground to divorce his wife. 

Once a woman is caught, even in the developed countries in the act of adultery, she loses all forms of respect from everybody. Whatever her husband does is deemed justified. 

Even though the Bible and the society decrees divorce, the final decision is the husband’s to make. The man can, out of personal reason, decide to allow the marriage to continue. It all depends on the level of elasticity the couple has been able to build into the marriage as well as good memories. The decision the man takes at the end of the day also depends on maturity and ability to manage the attendant scandal that comes from knowing that another is having an affair with the woman he calls wife. 

Because marriage is a very complex thing, most times defying clear understanding and reasons, when such matters occur, the man at the centre of it all has the final say on what he wants from his marriage. To this end there is no clear-cut answer. The Bible only prescribes it as a reason for divorce, but doesn’t say a man who has the ability to forgive his wife should not over-look this and stay with her. So the final decision of what you do with your wife is yours to make because God has given you the permission to do so.

Good luck. 

Dear David,
If not for the fact that I’m not in Nigeria, I would have assumed my ex wrote this mail because this looks like my story. I know how you feel about your girlfriend. I’m also a 23-year-old lady that started a relationship with a guy seven years ago. I tell you he really loved me and I made him so miserable by refusing to apologise whenever I’m at fault, and I can assure you that I am always the one at fault. I always use the term break-up because I know he wouldn’t take it. Looking back now, I really regret my actions. My advice to you is that if you really love her, please get close to God and pray for her. Don’t be deceived, that’s the only way.  If you marry her like this, you will never be happy. She will have problem in submitting to you. Bad attitudes like the one she has doesn’t stop easily instead, they multiply. 

Only God can put an end to them. My ex prayed for me seriously and God changed my heart and made me realise my empty pride but it was too late. We are now apart but very good friends. Please don’t give your girlfriend the impression that you can’t do without her, I know it’s not easy but you need to accept that God is your only hope and if He takes something good away from you, He can only give you something better. Please go to God, you might be surprised he will tell you to break up the relationship. Do exactly as you are told and see what God will do in her life. Concerned Friend.