Dear Agatha,
I am a 20-year-old girl in love with a boy who claims to love me in return. He has kept extending invitations to me to come to his house, but each time he issues such an invitation, I decline for fear of what might happen should I take him up on the invitation.
One day something happened prompting me to call him to inform him of the need for us to stay away from each other for a certain period of time. I really did that to put him to some tests on how much he loves me.
While telling him about the need for us to stay away from each other, I also told him that if God ordained both of us to be together, it would come to pass.
He protested, insisting he needs a woman he will be intimate with. There and then, I told him it was a wish I wasn’t ready to grant him.
Because of my response to his statement, he stopped talking to me on the premise that he doesn’t want to ruin whatever plans I have for myself. Till date he still doesn’t talk to me.
Agatha, does the boy truly love me, or simply lusting after me? As for me, I truly love him because he always goes out of his way to make me happy. He tells everyone who cares to listen that I am his love and wife and likes introducing me to them but due to what he said, we are no more close to each other. Now other people are coming to me for my hands in friendship, but I don’t love them the way I love this boy. This thing has been bothering my mind.
Please advise me on what to do. I have been praying over it.
Nelly.
Dear Nelly,
At 20, there is no hurry, because your heart is still very tender and any mistake you make now is capable of derailing your future plans. It is a good thing you have made your stance on sex known to him. The mistake you made was not to have told him from the beginning what your idea of a relationship is.
You should have told him the very first time he asked you to come over to his house your reason for refusing to honour the invitation instead making up excuses. This may have angered him as well as influenced the way he is currently reacting to you. It is always best from the wee hours of a relationship for both the man and woman to tell each other the truth concerning their agenda.
Changing the tempo of the game midway into the relationship not only gives birth to misunderstanding but also destroys whatever attempt made to grow trust.
He feels you are not being sincere with him and that your refusal to come over to his place or sleep with him means you don’t love him in the way you have led him to think, or that there is someone else in your life. Had you told him from the beginning he would have since prepared his mind for a sexless relationship.
This is where you made the mistake currently tearing your relationship apart.
Having said that, don’t allow his attitude blackmail you into doing something you don’t want to do. Since he has stopped talking to you on account of what you told him, let him be. He is still hurting and disappointed at not having it his way. If his feeling for you is genuine, he would come back to apologise for treating you the way he did. He would do this out of respect for you as well as what you stand for.
Don’t make the mistake of starting something new with another person on account of what is currently happening between the two of you. Men would always come, at your age all the attention you are getting is normal.
Your mistake would be to allow these attentions get into your head or put you under unnecessary pressures.
One point you must consider in this matter is your claim of being in love with this man. True love just doesn’t vanish like that. It takes time to get over. So you need to be careful not to rush things up for yourself by going into another relationship so soon. Give your heart the chance to heal properly, get over the love you claim to have for this man to forestall regrets as well as inability to give yourself fully into your new relationship.
Scrutinise what you think you feel for this man first to be sure you even know what love is all about, and if indeed you are really in love with him. Most times what we think love is, isn’t. There are many variations of feelings between ‘like’ and ‘love’ to be certain what one feels at a particular time. If what you feel for this man is true love at all, you won’t be thinking of rushing into any relationship so soon, you will tarry a while to see if he would come back as well as to heal sufficiently from the disappointment of it all before thinking of going into another relationship.
At any rate you need the knowledge of what true love is, to help you make all the adjustments and sacrifices in your next relationship.
Good luck.
Posts
