I’m 29, But No Serious Male Friend

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your columns. I want to first appreciate you for all the wonderful work you are doing.

My problem is enormous. I am 29 years of age without a boyfriend. It is so bad that nobody is even asking me out. I am sick and tired of the situation I have found myself in. Please tell me what to do.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

The first step towards self- actualisation is to learn to accept those things you cannot change and to avoid courting depression. In your current state of mind, there is no way you can prevent mistakes from happening in your life.

The most important thing for you now is to accept one thing that 29 isn’t the end of the world and that time is still very much on your side.

Like everything in life, there is always a time of plenty and time of scarcity. So don’t get scared that men are not coming, when God’s time comes, the right men would come.

Just be patient and trust God because there is nothing He cannot do.

But beyond this, what are your own challenges as a woman? How would you describe yourself to another person? How do people and men around you judge you as a woman? What mistakes do you think you have made with men?

If there is any time for you to be honest with yourself, it is now. It is the only way you can help yourself out of this emotional abyss you have found yourself in.

A lot of the things we suffer from as we grow older, come from the mistakes we ignorantly make. What are your moral values as a woman; how well did you keep your gate? When a woman builds a negative reputation for herself, she opens herself for rejection by the very men she set out to please. Some of your problems may come from that indiscrimination.

Whatever your values were in the years gone by, this is the time for you to re-brand. It may take a while for whatever negative image you have acquired but if you are persistent as well as determined to make the change, you will be better for it.

But if you have always been level headed, there may be the need for you to also take another look at your principles? What sort of man are you looking for? Are your principles too rigid and unrealistic? What qualities are you insisting the men must have before you can consider them worthy of you?

If this is your problem, there is the need for you to be more realistic. Yes, as a woman, you need a man who will care for you, give you both heaven and earth if possible, but reality demands being sensible. By the time you turn away every man for the simple reason that they don’t meet the standards you have set for yourself, you will end up becoming very frustrated as the years go by.

Therefore in addition to setting achievable goals for yourself, don’t ever forget that God is the master of time and does what pleases Him with it. Go to Him in prayers to make your time His time too. Whatever mistakes may have brought about this problems or family situation, giving Him complete authority to reign in your life will help you overcome at the end of the day.

Just have faith and trust in God.

Good luck.

Am I Not Old Enough To Fall In Love?

Dear Agatha,

Is it possible for me to fall in love at 15 years of age?

Worried Teenager.

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Dear Worried Teenager,

At 15, yes it is possible to have all the manifestations of love. As a matter of fact that is the time love is at its purest and devoid of the negotiation of adult. Love at your age represents freedom and wonderment at the potentials of the feeling.

However, it is also the most delicate and dangerous period of any person’s life especially that of a young girl. This is why the word is forbidden to young persons of your age. This has nothing to do with the refusal of the adult world to appreciate your feelings, but given the benefit of experience, adults who decree against it have come to realise that teenage love comes with painful and powerful thorns.

This is because, as one gets older, it is discovered that falling in love comes with a lot of responsibilities especially on the part of the woman who must do everything to guard her body. At 15, you don’t have such wisdom and ability to resist the potency of love at all. Love not managed becomes a disaster, shame and disgrace not only to you both, but to your parents who may have to deal with the physical evidence of your adventure.

This is because often than not it leads to early and disgraceful pregnancy, denial on the part of the man, interrupted education and thwarted future as a result of the stigma that comes from teenage pregnancy.

Falling in love at 15 could end up destroying all the dreams of the future.

To help you appreciate and grow the beauty that is love, learn to refrain from being too close to any man. Whatever you feel now must be placed on the back burner in the interest of your future which risks being terminated by the virus of an early love.

What you should do at your age is have meaningful friendship with both boys and girls; relationship you take into the future that will as the years roll by provide both economic and social support base to help with your dreams. This is called networking.

This is the time for you to consciously plan for the bigger future because love will never go out of fashion, whereas your time of planning and dreaming comes with expiry dates.

In addition, love demands you learn to fall in love with yourself first before you can fall in love with another person. The theory of life is that you cannot give what you don’t have.

Falling in love also demands vision, sacrifices, selflessness and planning. Until you are able to plan for your life, avoid the complications of it. At your age, you cannot combine it with your studies since love is both jealous and demanding of one’s time especially when you think about babies and settling down to a life at this age when all your mates are busy going to school and enjoying the freedom of being young.

Concentrate more on your studies and love will follow when the time is right.

Good luck.