Dear Agatha,
I got married five years ago and we have gotten two children. We got married with love and godliness as our foundation. We made love for the first time after five years of relationship on our wedding night. We both believed in sex after marriage.
However, the problem now has to do with her attitude to sex generally. She always has thousand excuses not to have sex like headaches, no strength, and what have you, to avoid having sex with me.
And when she agrees to it, she only approves of the missionary position, refusing to try any other thing.
I am 39 while she is 30. Due to her inability to satisfy me in bed, I have taken to masturbating simply because I vowed not to have any extra marital affair.
But for how long can I do this when I have a woman in my house? What are the dangers to my marriage? Why is she refusing to cooperate with me?
Worried Husband.
Dear Worried Husband,There is no arguing the place of sex in marriage. It is as important as the reason that brought the marriage into being.
However, in all these you must appreciate the salient reality that being married doesn’t deprive one of his or her upbringing. Your wife probably grew up in a home where sex is forbidden, done only for procreation purpose, under the secret of darkness. If her religious upbringing made sex a necessity and not a procreation couples get into to further cement their union, it would require the patience and perseverance of Job, to get her to think along the lines you are now thinking.
It would also require a considerable amount of friendship on your path to help her get over the phobia or her sexual illiteracy.
Her attitude also calls to question your own teaching skills. If you are her first lover, it shows you have done a very poor job of it. Being first time lovers, you should have been able to drag her along with each new knowledge and skill acquired by you. Her metamorphosis should have taken place the time yours took place. It is either at that time you didn’t think it was necessary in the beginning to introduce her to the changes you were experiencing or were afraid she would be contaminated by such changes.
Whatever mistakes you made, her training is largely responsible for what is happening. Growing up with the notion that a responsible woman isn’t meant to enjoy sex but to give herself to the pleasure of her husband isn’t an orientation you can change by being angry or in a hurried manner.
Though you seem to have the same upbringing, you have been able to outgrow yours while she is still unable to make the clear distinction between what worked for her parents and what will work for her.
Doubtless, your marriage is in a very precarious situation one, which if not handled with sincerity and wisdom, is volatile enough to capsize your marriage. It is a reality you must make her face and accept as urgently as possible.
If she becomes obstinate about it, you have to expose her to the shocking reality of the extent her stubborn refusal to help you achieve sexual happiness in your marriage has pushed you. Again she has to understand that after a while, the habit may not be enough incentive to keep you from straying into the hands of another woman.
But before you go to this extreme, you must first find out why she is so disinterested in sex. It is a process of debriefing her of whatever she was told as a child. She has to know that there is more to sex than procreation and that a married couple needs the power of quality sex to remain happy and prime in their union.
Explaining to her that sex is the lubricant that keeps the engine of marriage working at full capacity and without hitches would help her begin the process of shifting her rigid stance on the matter.
Also a lot would depend on your attitude. For someone who is obviously scared of sex or who doesn’t understand the value of sex in marriage, bullying her into accepting your views on it would only serve to drive her further into her shell.
What she needs is a gentle introduction to it. Break her into it with care and love. A lot of the time approach makes a whole load difference. You cannot use force to enforce your idea. In a way, take the blame while still pleading with her to help make the marriage more emotionally comfortable for both of you.
Let her have all the headaches in the world or lack all the energy to make love. Don’t complain rather, engage her interest by becoming extra caring and complimentary of her looks. No matter how stubborn or uncaring a woman is that can resist compliments. Remember she isn’t a girlfriend but your wife, one whose conduct and attitude must give you a level of satisfaction to be happy. Therefore you must take more than a passing interest in her to be happy yourself.
Listening to her reservations about sex generally will give you an idea of where to start just as studying her to know her vane side. We all come with certain vanities in our lives, which from time to time need massaging.
Do you know? You require a comprehensive knowledge of your woman to be able to deal with this challenge effectively. You have to know what she wants, what works with her and what will never work to know how to calm her down sufficiently to make her eat out of your pleasure pie.
It also depends on how much she wants the marriage and values her image. If she is not too bothered about her attitudes damaging her marriage, as long as it enables her protect her stance on the issue of sex, it means going outside your marriage for help. Going to your in-laws or pastor for help on a re-educating her on her responsibilities to her man may be an alternative you have to pursue in the case that every effort on your path fails to make sense to her.
What efforts have you also put into making her change beyond your own needs? For anyone to change he or she must have an appealing alternative to the thing or situation he or she is moving away from.
Wisdom demands you don’t prepare her for whatever position you want her to adopt but to gently introduce her during the session. Introduce innovative romance sessions as well as enough time for her to savour the taste and pleasure of it.
It is when everything else fails to make an impression on her that you should let her know how far she has pushed you and the likely consequences of the situation. Then it would not just be a matter of you threatening her but letting her appreciate the cold facts about what the situation is capable of pushing you into doing should she continue to deny you of quality sex.
Above all, entrust the problem to the capable hands of God.
Good luck.
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