Thursday, August 23, 2012

How do I tell aunty her husband raped my younger sister?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My younger sister and I are the only surviving children of our parents who died when we were young. I was 20 while my younger sister was just 15 years of age when our parents died. Fortunately I was already in my third year at the university. My boyfriend and other friends rallied round me to ensure I didn’t drop out of school. My aunty, the youngest of my mother’s siblings, immediately took over my sister. Although she was just five years older than me, she didn’t allow the vacuum created by the deaths of our parents affect us. She was and is still always there for us. She was also willing to take on my responsibilities but I discouraged her. When she insisted, I had no choice but to tell her about my boyfriend’s offer. But that didn’t stop her from sending me money on monthly basis. She didn’t get married until my younger sister was in her second year at the university. To everyone she was our elder sister, not our aunty. Among all our uncles and aunties, she was the one we could tell anything. My sister was her chief bride’s maid at her wedding. That was how close they were. Her first child is the carbon copy of my younger sister. But of recent, I noticed that my sister has been avoiding going to her house. My aunty too has called severally to ask if anything was wrong but I couldn’t give her answers. I know my sister that she doesn’t do anything without a reason, and I know my aunty she is angel in human skin. She doesn’t joke with us. She is ever so protective of us, which is why I didn’t understand why my sister, who is her favourite, should be avoiding her. When it was becoming something of concern to my aunty, I had to pin my sister down for information. It was then the truth came out. The husband of our aunty raped her while she was asleep in her room. Although he promised it will never happen again and that he was under the influence of alcohol, the fact that he did it at all is enough to send my sister away from the house. I didn’t doubt her because once or twice I have sighted him with different women going into a guesthouse. He doesn’t know that the guesthouse he often patronises is on the street my best friend lives. She is understandably afraid of him, but my aunty doesn’t understand my sister’s reason for staying away from her place. My sister too is hurting because she loves our aunty and the children very much. The bond between the two of them is very strong. When one of them is down, the other one seems to know immediately. My aunty knows something terrible happened to my sister in her house but she cannot say precisely. I don’t know what to do about this. How do I resolve this? I have a mind of telling my aunty about her husband, but that will be destroying her home. I am confused. Jibike. Dear Jibike, Tempting as it is, don’t be the harbinger of bad news to this woman who has been more than a mother to you and your sister. This is something you and your sister must take to your grave. Even if she gets to find out from other sources, don’t let her know anything about what her husband did to your sister or your knowledge of the other women in his life. Chances are she knows but like many women in her shoes is pretending not to know. Nobody likes to admit making a mistake in the choice of a spouse. Marriage is a humbling experience. It teaches patience and endurance at every level. Besides, what would she achieve by leaving him? She will only be making it possible for another woman to take her place. Many women make the decision to stay in some difficult marriages because of their children. She can still face the world if she keeps thinking nobody is aware of what she is going through. She will simply break into pieces if she knows that you both know about her husband’s weakness. As for what her husband did to your sister; there is no undoing that. It is painful and very regrettable. But cutting her off isn’t also a solution. Chances are from what she told you, she suspects what may have caused her favourite niece to abandon her home. The only thing is, she is struggling with believing her intuition. She stepped into your lives when you both needed her the most. Sending your sister to school and giving you pocket money every month must have cost her so much. At 25, she was too young then for the responsibilities of caring for two children, but she did, not minding the discomfort, sacrifice and things she had to give up for your success in life. You are like her first set of children, your sister she took in at the tender age of 15 especially. This is the kind of sacrifice this situation is also calling you both to make for her. Your sister cannot afford to turn her back on her now irrespective of what the husband did to her. It is a matter of timing her visits to avoid meeting the man at home. Given the lifestyle of your uncle, this should be easy to achieve. Your sister can divert her attention from the real issue by blaming her schoolwork or new boyfriend for her distraction. The important thing is to assure your aunty that nothing is wrong. For a young woman who elected to shoulder the responsibilities of two other young adults, she will always be worried about the success of her efforts. She may not say it. Don’t forget that there may be one or two persons in the family looking for signs of failure or disagreement between the three of you – something for them to mock her effrontery at her single-handed efforts at bringing you up. Your aunty appears to be a very smart lady. It won’t take her long to guess the reason for your sister’s attitude if she prolongs her visit to her house. If you aren’t married, you could offer to go with her to spend the weekend with your aunty and her children. And since the children are on vacation, they can come over to your place for a little holiday. This way, your aunty will not feel so abandoned or worried about the situation anymore. Beyond repairing the relationship between you and your aunty, there is the need for you to confront your uncle-in-law by letting him know you are aware of what he did to your sister as well as his other affairs. Tell him while you will not do anything to jeopardise his home, you will however not sit back and watch him toy with the emotions of your aunty or sister for that matter. Threaten to deal decisively with him, the next time he attempts to lay a finger on your younger sister when next she comes to stay with your aunty. Make him aware that you decided not to act on what he did to your sister because you don’t want to cause a scandal for him in the family. And you will not be so generous if the situation repeats itself either with your sister or anybody close to the family. Drop the hint that you might be forced to let his employers know he is a rapist if he doesn’t change his way. Men who use force on women to get their way are always afraid of exposure. Above all, you and your sister must never do anything to make your aunty unhappy. No matter the situation, always think of other ways to keep the family she struggled to build together. Bear in mind that you and your sister are more than her nieces – you have become her first set of children. And irrespective of her husband’s attitude, she remains the leader of your team. I understand your sister’s reluctance to go to that house given what happened to her but she is also hurting the one person who cares about her so much. This is what should always be uppermost in her mind as well as yours. Good luck.