Dear Agatha,
I am 23 years old. I work as a clerk while the boy who wants me for a wife is 28. He is actually a brother to my uncle’s wife.
Both of us live with my uncle. He has a secondary school certificate holder but runs a small business of his own.
I am confused and need your advice.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
There is more to the marriage institution than many of us realise. And in your case, the issues are complex than the average arrangement. This is because of the relationship between you and this man on one hand and the relationship between your sister and his brother on the other hand. There are also the feelings and sentiments of your two families who may want to go into cultural taboos and other sentimental reasons to either advance their reasons or condemn your decisions to be involved with each other.
Although marriage is ideally between two people, in this instance, it is best you begin the process outside the two of you.
This is because your relationship may not withstand the opposition that would arise against it.
In the first instance, your customs may not favour two of you having anything in common given that he is your brother-in-law and you his sister-in-law.
Some cultural beliefs belong to the school of thought that such relationship is too close for comfort.
Before going further, both of you asking your families about the suitability of a relationship between two of you would help you two know how to proceed.
There is also the issue of the suitability of both of you staying together with your uncle and his wife. It is not right. The scandal it would lead to might be too much for the families to contend with should the knowledge of the relationship erupt prematurely. Reason maybe scarce then as the couple you both stay with would feel betrayed by your behavior. They may be too hurt to listen to any reasons then.
Apart from telling them, social and moral courtesies demand that a man planning marriage be on his own. It would be reckless and naive for both of you to assume that the couple would support your continued stay in their house for fear of you getting pregnant.
If this guy is serious about beginning his life, he should start by moving out of the house to a place of his own; no matter how small.
It is one of the indices that he is not just sweet-talking you into a situation that is guaranteed to put you in an emotional turmoil now or later.
Men don’t get married as squatters. Insist on his getting a place of his own as one of the conditions that would determine if you will marry him or not.
This is because both of you need your privacy to bond and plan your journey together before the children begin to pop up. The initial months of marriage, when the couple doesn’t have an audience is when they are able to effectively marshal their plans.
It is also the time to build worthwhile memories that can be used to save the marriage when the storms of uncertainties come.
Both of you must appreciate that the glamour and make believe world of the wedding is a false mask and that the challenge comes after everyone has taken his or her leave; when a couple wakes to behold the stranger he or she has elected to spend the rest of the life with.
On the issue of his qualification; neither of you need a university education to gain entrance into the marriage institution. What matters is what he has done; go into a form of gainful employment to earn enough money to fend for his family.
He may be one of those people who do not have the flair for education. Some people are not destined to make it through formal education. What is important in life is the success one makes out of any given situation.
Your role in his life is to help him build and manage his success. This you could do by showing interest in his business. Chances are that you will observe many things he is blind to due to his close involvement in the business. Your investment could be in terms of ideas on how to expand or support to help him think and take the right decisions.
But for this to happen, your marriage must be blessed with friendship and respect. When a couple lacks the perfect understanding of each other, does not have mutual respect for each other, is insensitive to the desires and needs of the other, lacks the patience and enduring power to help the other grow, the couple would never find the optimum satisfaction that brought them together.
You must begin early to chart how both of you can help each other grow. You have to be more than a wife to him. You have to learn to play the role of his mother, sister, confidant and friend effectively. This is particularly necessary because of the limitation you think his lack of comprehensive education has foisted on him.
Like you, some people from time to time would feel this is a huge handicap to him. You must be there to help him when he is down. God may have endowed men with the physical strength but women have more of the emotional strength and stability needed to paddle marriage through the mire. You have to be his strength, his pride and anchor always.
To do this effectively, you must first evaluate your own feelings for this man. Do you love him sufficiently not to be embarrassed by what you still deeply in your mind consider a disadvantage?
Beyond wanting to marry him, how well do you know him? Can you cope with his temper, attitude, friends or character?
Whatever happens, be convinced that your respect and love for him are etched firmly in your heart before saying yes to him because marriage is a journey that is initiated on promises but fueled on determination to make it work at all cost.
Also, it is important you pray alone and together for both of you to be certain that God has a hand in it.
And if the signals you are getting do not favour both of you coming together as one, it is always better to let go to avoid the mistake of a bad choice.
Good luck.
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