Dear Agatha,
I really enjoy reading you. Keep up the good job. I am currently in a state of confusion over a recent development in my life.
In 2006, a man proposed to marry me; I accepted. And so, we went through the ritual of getting our parents consents. Our both parents gave their blessings to the planned union.
However, after the death of my father in 2007, he changed dramatically, refusing to call or even answers my calls. Eventually I have no choice but to accept the obvious and go on with my life.
To my dismay, he started sending his brother to be, since January this year, begging me to please forgive him and come back to him. Though he has not made any appearance personally, I am afraid to consider his request through his brother because I don’t want to be hurt again.
The most painful thing about all these is that I still love him. I have never stopped loving him. What should I do?
Lizy.
Dear Lizy,
Love is one of the most difficult to understand sentiments on earth. It makes fool of otherwise rational people and also enables the heart to forgive anything.
Your dilemma is what you feel deep inside of you for this man. It would never stop aching until you confront and deal with it once and for all.
Doubtless, this man has offended and hurt you. If nothing else he should have told you why he didn’t want to see you again.
But there are certain experiences in life that goes beyond the ordinary that requires absolute wisdom to resolve.
Something must have made him come back to you just like something made him behave the way he did. Almost two years of staying away, he has certainly realised that whatever reasons he had for leaving you were no longer valid. Most times, we don’t realise how priceless a person is until we are almost losing that person for life.
Give him a chance to explain, while you give yourself a chance to see and hear him out. It would be wrong to assume that he is guilty simply because he walked away. His reasons may have to do with your behaviour or attitude towards him.
Often than not when things of this nature happen, it is easier for us to conveniently heap the blame on everybody but ourselves. To help you understand all the issues at stake, what did you complain mostly about when the two of you were still together? Can you remember? Can you be honest enough to admit your mistake too?
What support did your father give him to make him lose faith in you when he died? Can you think of the relationship between your father and him? What role did he play at your father’s death or more specifically, what role did you give him to play at funeral? Was there any incident at the burial to make him feel you may have somebody else outside him? Did he at anytime complain about any particular man in your life and who come to your father’s funeral?
How did your friends react to the news of your impending marriage then? How many of them were ready to marry at the time you wanted to? What about your cousins? How well do you know your cousins? Were they supportive or jealous of you? Were they close to your man? Can you remember their reactions to the news that he has walked away as your man? In retrospect, do you think any of these people could have fibbed on you, told him some secrets you shared with any of them or outright lies against you?
Thinking of all these possibilities would make the meeting with him easier to handle and manage. Yes, there may have been the possibility that he left you for another woman but it would be in the interest of your relationship if you look at other possibilities yourself.
This treatise would also help you wash away some of the very bitter bile of the last months because it would assist in giving you a better understanding into some of the possible reasons he took the decision he took.
You must also consider why you have been unable to fall out of love with him despite the extent of pains he inflicted on you emotionally. What qualities about him have you been trying to forget over the years but which have made it impossible for another man to take his place? Hurt beclouds but doesn’t totally eclipse the reason for certain thing. How much happiness did he give you in those days while you were with him?
And from what his brother has said, what do you perceive could have been the problem? At least his brother must have explained why he walked out on you in 2007. What have you deduced from all that his brother has said?
Frankly, you need such memories to help you handle this matter with the wisdom and maturity it deserves. If you allow the current tides persist, you may never be able to forgive him sufficiently to take him back, so in your own interest, don’t discuss this with any of your friends or family members until you have had a chance to talk personally with him.
The danger of discussing with your friends or family is the pressure they would apply on you in sympathy and anger not to take him back given the hurt and pains they saw you go through. Like I said earlier, love is foolish and in most cases, one plus one doesn’t end up as two. Love is never simple, it is so complicated that each pattern if not carefully threaded can disfigure the entire work, but which ironically gives the entire frame its unique character.
There is no discussing love without talking about pains, sacrifices, forgiveness, and new beginnings. For love to be a masterpiece, it has to come with history and some painful processes. You cannot talk of true love without moments of sacrifices.
Understandably he has hurt you as well as bruised your pride as a woman but where there is love, there is always ways as well as determination. That he has realised his mistake and willing to do anything to have you back is an evidence of his love for you. He is aware of the commotion as well as the mess he left behind hence his decision to send his harbinger of peace. If he weren’t remorseful, he won’t send his family member to first plead on his behalf. There is no way he would involve his brother in this matter if he hasn’t given it proper consideration as well as the seriousness it deserves.
Not many men have that humility to come back to their vomit. Some would rather suffer lifelong regrets than beg to be forgiven for an action like this. Giving him a chance would not take anything away from you.
Having survived him for almost 24 months, you can still do without him if you aren’t convinced about his reasons for hurting you or coming back for that matter. But the thoughts of what could have been would forever hunt you if you fail to give him audience now, at least to explain. You will never be able to trust any man again or allow yourself to fall in love the way you deserve if you don’t properly mop up all the primary and secondary issues involved in this relationship. It is only when a case-file has a bold X sign written across its cover that it could be deemed closed. You don’t finish reading a book by stopping right on the middle of the story. You have to read up to its last sentence to finish it completely.
His emergence again in your life means you have an unfinished business together. So irrespective of how much the memories hurt or make you uncomfortable, brace up to solving it once and for all. You are no longer a teenager that can afford the luxury of walking away from a relationship without looking back. Womanhood is also about the ability to embrace emotional challenges with every dignity they deserve.
It would also help you to remember that this is your life, your happiness and fulfillment as a woman. Nobody can give you happiness the way you can give it to yourself. Sometimes it takes experiences like this to erase more serious problems in relationships. Having subjected your relationship to this challenge, he would be careful over matters he would ordinarily have reacted violently to.
Tell his brother you want to see him since he is the only one you have business with and in your interest, give God the chance to lead both of you into what He has planed for your lives.
Good luck.
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