Dear Agatha,
This might sound stupid, childish and unserious but I am tired and ready to take my life. You may wonder that a person, who says she is tired of life and ready to take it, is only making noise but should simply commit suicide.
For a very long time, I have tried so hard to fight this urge but it has overwhelmed me, now. I no longer have control over it. The urge is now very strong that I may not be able to resist anymore.
The reason I had not done it long ago is because of my son, whom I raised as a single parent. He is now a teenager and I have come to the realisation that without me he would live after all. And that if I had died while giving birth to him, he would still have lived after all. Honesty, I no longer see anything to live for.
I have been so unfortunate that whatever I do even with the purest intentions still turns out negative for me. Due to lack of peace and love in my home, I left after secondary school to stay with an uncle. I was then repeatedly sexually abused by a family friend and subsequently left all by myself to be the father and mother to the child.
I am now in my mid 30s and it seems no man is interested in me even though, many people say I am nice, reserved and all that.
Recently, I invested about N2 million in buying shares given to me in trust by a friend. I was meant to keep the money on her behalf for about a year until she returns to Nigeria. I felt that leaving such money in the bank without investing it wasn't wise hence decided to invest it on stocks early last year to make little money for myself in the process. Unfortunately, before I knew what was happening, stocks began to fall. I had to eventually sell the stock which I bought N2 million at just N600,000. My friend will arrive the country in two months time, and I still have a difference of N1.4 million worth balance to pay.
All my life, I have never had more than N200,000 at a go, but now in a debt of N1.4m. Even if I have to give her my entire salary for three years, it would not make up the money. Most painfully, I would have lost the confidence and trust of a dear friend. What is more, nothing seems to be working for me.
The words of Wole Soyinka keeps resounding into my ears that "there is no where as absolute as the grave."
Freda.
Dear Freda,
Agreed you were very wrong to have invested money entrusted to you without the permission of the friend who gave you the money in trust. But there is no changing the fact that you have done it which makes one thing very clear, you cannot undo the decision or the events that led to the turmoil in the stock market.
What would you gain killing yourself? Even if your child was conceived in rape, the fact remains he is your child, one you have assumed responsibility, and albeit, single handedly since birth. Killing yourself would only deprive him of a motherly love but leave him totally defenceless, without hope in life.
This is the time he needs his mother the most, the time you need to be there to offer him protection from himself, to explain that the changes inside of him doesn't have to affect him negatively. And to ensure that whatever mistake or mess you and your parents made out of your life, he doesn't go through the same process.
Of what use would all your sacrifices be if at this crucial time you kill yourself over a situation you cannot change?
Do you think you are being fair to your son or friend for that matter? You haven't even given this friend the opportunity to react before assuming she would condemn you. She had a choice to have taken the money to the bank before leaving. That she trusted you with such an amount shows she knows you more than you do yourself and sees something you don't see in your person.
You would be doing her a great injustice to assume you know how she would feel if you tell her about this money. There is no contesting the fact that she would feel bad all right, but not enough to want you dead if she has the confidence to give you such an amount to hold for her.
Even though you should have asked permission to use that money, knowing your financial state, she may have given you the money fully aware that you would trade with it and make some money for yourself. So this piece of news may not come to her unexpectedly. The only bit of news may be the loss of the investment not necessarily your decision to invest the money.
You may have lost the confidence of a good friend and the money, don't make the mistake of adding your self-confidence to your list of losses. Your son would never be able to forgive and God definitely would not too for taking a life that you didn't create. The life you are about to take belongs to God and any attempt to take it means confronting God in a duel of wits. You cannot tell him when to end your life; He is the only one with such awesome authority.
To say the truth, you are only using the excuse of this loss to mask the real reason you want to end your life. If you are honest, it comes from the frustration of what you think your life has become.
You think life has been so unfair to you but it is only because you have refused to give life a good fight spiritually. Except for a very few, life isn't fair to anyone. Those who succeed in life are those who look at life straight in the face without blinking. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do what you have to do to create your own happiness. You cannot continue to blame your parents, the father of your child or everyone else for your own failure. Yes, these experiences may have some effect but the wise use such experiences to make successes of their lives not to drain their lives of value.
What you are doing is simply to give all those who contributed to whom you are now reason to laugh and mock you, to justify their treatment of you. Ending your life would further confirm what they have always thought of you, a complete failure. Or are you indeed a failure? Don't you think you have enough to live for? Even if you have given up on your own dreams in life, have you also given up on your son? Don't you have the belief that through him you can make it and be fulfilled?
You don't have the patent for these types of pains; ask people around, behind some happy faces around you are worst stories and bitter experiences. But they are happy today because unlike you, they refused to be defeated by life challenges.
If you end your life on account of your current travails, you would go down as a manufacturer's waste but if you elect to fight, you would end up as a manufacturer's masterpiece, and one that has come to give courage and light to so many people. Face your friend with the truth. She cannot kill you. Though she would definitely be disappointed at you and the loss of the money but it would blow over eventually. Time ensures that.
Call her before she comes back and tell her everything to prepare her for what to expect. Also pray to God for His interventions in your life.
You need Him now more than ever before. He is the only one that has the powers to reach and heal you where it is hurting the most. With Him, you can experience a re-awakening to a beautiful and fulfilling life. It would happen if you trust Him and are determined to make something out of your life despite what life presents you now.
Good luck
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