He’s too wretched to be my man…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, The man I love with all my heart, who fits into my dream of the perfect man is unfortunately very poor. Since meeting him at my friend’s party, I have found him to be very caring, sensitive, attentive and full of wisdom. He is the kind of man I would love to live the rest of my life with, whose children I would love to have. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the kind of money that would keep me satisfied and faithful to him. I am too much of my mother’s daughter to be contented with living with a man who lacks money to keep me in the kind of comfort I have become used to. When I tried looking for him recently, I discovered that he lives in a very bad side of Badiya at Ijora. I honestly couldn’t bring myself to step out of my car so sent for him to come outside even though he had called to say he had malaria. I knew he was struggling, despite being a graduate of English Language but didn’t know it was that bad. My current boyfriend on the other hand is mean. Though he gives me money, but he doesn’t have time for me, and whenever I complain he beats me up. I am still with him because he has the kind of money that keeps my mother and family happy. He has the kind of money that maintains the lifestyle my mother and elder sister exposed me to since I was 18. At 28, I cannot manage with a man, don’t even know how. I only date men who have the money, I really don’t care what they look like, how many they are, how they got the money or who they are, provided my bank account is healthy and they are ready to send me to any part of the world. I have never been in love I used to scoff at those friends of mine who talk about love. For the first time, I know what it is to be in love and really respect a man, but he is too poor for me. Even if I want to close my eyes to this fact, I simply cannot present him to my mother. She will never approve of the relationship given what she has put into ensuring she buys our current position in the society. I am so confused. I don’t know if I should go the unfamiliar road of love and poverty or stay on the road my mother has taught me. I am so confused. Korede. Dear Korede, At 28, you are old enough to know what you want from life. Your mother has done her bit. She is living her life the way that pleases her and makes her happy. The issue here is, are you happy with the choice she has made for you? Several years down the road, do you think you will be happy with the kind of choices you have made? I don’t know the kind of choices she has made for you but from the glide of your story, the kind of life she has chosen for you have its repercussion. Just as you have started to notice, men end up not having that kind of respect a woman deserves when they know money is the major interest a woman has in them. The men you have come across in your life, your mother has introduced you to, are aware that without money you will never be interested in them. These men are very aware that money and not them is what you want from them, hence don’t feel compassion when they maltreat you, knowing that the power of money is such you will always come back for more. Men hardly treat a woman who is after their money with respect. As a matter of fact many of them treat such women with contempt and dishonour. They take pride in exhibiting the power of the money they have. If a man you are not married to takes pleasure in beating you, how do you think he would treat you when and if he marries you? To every man that you sleep with now, you are a piece of furniture, hence at liberty to move or treat you anyhow. One way you can help yourself out of this confusion maze is to ask yourself these important questions: are you really happy doing what you do? Don’t you ever wish for a man who will love, treat you with respect, honour your body and mind? Do you see any of these men in your life, the kind your mother approves of asking for your hand in marriage? Do you think if you were the last woman in the world they would ever consider marrying you? Can you tell the world, this man how you and your mother came about your wealth? And what makes you think, he will want you too after knowing how your mother made the money that has brought class and wealth? That your mother is willing to go to the extent she went to make money means what you brand as poverty isn’t a strange word in your family history. You obviously come from a very abject background too. If by crook or foul means, you and your family have become rich, nothing stops this new man in your life from erasing his poverty records. Besides, he doesn’t have to do anything decadent to make it. All he needs is a stroke of good luck, the kind your numerous contacts can provide him to get a good job. This is the reason you must think again about this man. Granted he may be poor, but at least he has dignity unlike you who cannot openly declare your trade or source of family fortune. The truth is if you really care about this man, you will find ways of helping to polish him up. In addition to using your contacts to help find him a job, you can after listening to his idea of improving his future, set him up. There are a countless number of women in your shoes who have helped pulled men they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with out of the kind of situation of your man. The important thing is that you both love each other. This is what you should find out from him. Let him know what you do for a living first and how you are willing to change for him. Also prepare him for the social snub that your mother is and how for now you may not want him to meet her until much later. The reason you must come out of your shadows to unveil yourself is for the truth to prevail, help establish your relationship on the foundation of truth and trust. Since you have never been in love, don’t know how it feels and have been a tool in the manipulative hands of your mother, it is essential your man is aware of your story. It is the only way he can really help you when the blast come from your mother and sister. Without procuring his trust, it would be difficult for you on all fronts because you have become too established in your kind of life to fight your family on your own. The important thing here is that you are in love. Whether it will work or not is not as important as experiencing this side of life. It is what gives hope and warmth. Money is only a means to an end, it isn’t the end, doesn’t procure happiness, and if not properly pursued brings shame instead of prestige. Despite everything that has happened to you, God is bringing this man to teach you an important lesson in life, that love is what makes the world beautiful and happy for us. It gives life beautiful and golden hues that outshine the darkest or difficult sides of life. You won’t know what love is unless you try it. Your mother doesn’t have to know now. Since established and rich men are her flavour, rent a presentable apartment for your man. Begin small. He just may be waiting for a special woman to push him to his glory. By offering encouraging words, you would be helping him in no small way to achieve his purpose on earth. Don’t make the mistake of anchoring your happiness on what your mother wants. You will end up regretting that later in life. The only ingredients you need in this relationship are love and trust. Trust your heart and follow your mind to become happy. At 28, you don’t really have too much time like you had a decade ago. Good luck.

To my chagrin, she trimmed off her curves…

Dear Agatha, I am no longer comfortable with my wife, and this is affecting our marriage. My wife used to have plumped side. It was one of the things I fell in love with her. She typified the traditional African woman, who has the curves in the right places. She didn’t add too much after our two children. At any rate, I wouldn’t have noticed, because I was really crazy about her shape. I also didn’t hide this from her. When some of her friends were harping on slim, being the in thing now, I warned her not to follow the trend. And I assured her she wasn’t fat, but just right for an ideal woman. Unfortunately, she seems not to believe me, because sometimes last year she enrolled in gym. She told me it was to maintain her figure. I grudgingly allowed her to continue, but warned her against being slim. Now I can hardly recognise the woman I married, as she is now all bone. When I protested, she said it was the in thing among her friends. And that she doesn’t want to lose her husband. I reminded her that she doesn’t have problems with me on that score that I want her the way she was. The issue now is that I don’t want her anymore. I want her out of my life, because she is beginning to irritate me. I no longer derive pleasure in her company. Much as I love her, I am no longer happy with her and very hurt by the fact that she preferred what her friends’ husbands think than what I feel about her. I don’t know what to do, because we had a very happy marriage. She knows I have never liked skinny women. She has started to complain about my lack of interest in her, but there is no way I can ever be as close to her again in her present shape. I am really trying hard not to loathe her, because once I get to that point, there will be nothing more for me in the marriage. Please help me. I don’t know how to handle this challenge in my marriage of 12 years. Vincent. Dear Vincent, Since she is refusing to listen to you, she will listen to the friends she is copying. Report her to her friends, especially the ones you know are very responsible that would tell her the truth, tell them exactly what you have told me. Let them understand exactly how you feel about their friend’s disregard of your feelings as well as your intentions to end the marriage. Even if you don’t have that intention, letting it drop that you are actually contemplating ending it on account of her disobedience and the fact that you are no longer happy with her decision to alter her shape from what you like. This information that you are thinking of ending the marriage will no doubt make her think twice about what is important to her. No woman would want to throw away 12 years of a happy marriage for the vanity of her looks. Doubtless these friends would gather to talk sense into her head. When the chips are down, there is no contesting the fact she knows the side her bread is most buttered. To force her hands the more, you could for a week or so play truancy from home. You could stay with a close friend or stay longer than necessary to give the impression that you are with someone else. Ensure, at a particular time, you switch off your phone or allow it to ring endlessly. When you get home, tell her not to bother with food. No woman can withstand being ignored by her husband, who is coming late, refusing to answer his calls, and not eating her food. Nothing will communicate your displeasure with her clearer than this. She will be looking for ways of getting you to look her way, change your mind towards her. Once she gets to this point, open up and let her know how pained you are that she considers the opinion of her friends’ husbands more than yours. Every marriage has its low and highpoint. However, this development shows that your marriage isn’t as sound as it appears. Use this opportunity to listen to her also. Ask her what her problems are with the marriage. A good marriage is about harmonising your views and interests. For your happiness to be complete, you must also make out time to hear her out. Don’t forget she is the one with the body. You may like it and she doesn’t. It is a matter of meeting each other at a reasonable point. By deploying love, prayers, understanding and tolerance, you will achieve so much in this marriage. Good luck.

Re: He left to England after our wedding ten years ago

Dear Agatha, God bless you for the good work you are doing in this forum. This is to make a contribution to the above topic. You rightly told the lady that she has wasted too much time waiting for a man that does not intend to show up, thereby keeping her life at a standstill. My advise to the lady is to find her way out of the marriage and move on with her life. At 40, even if she has a challenge getting married, she could still have a child of her own. I say this because I have seen this scenario thrice with relations and friends. To explain what is going on, the men in question already have families abroad. Most likely, they are married to foreigners. And in reacting to pressure from home to marry a Nigerian, they come home and marry to please their people. In one of the cases I mentioned above, the man wanted someone to look after his sick mother. The wickedness of the whole thing is that they do not consider the life of the lady that is wasted. They capitalise on the craze of our ladies to go abroad. In the first of the three cases I mentioned above, the man kept on telling the lady he could not come home and she could not join him due to his immigration status. When eventually, the lady was able to get to the man’s base with help from her own brothers, she found the man very happily married without any intention of disrupting his marriage. Unfortunately for her, at this time, she was already nearing menopause and so has no children to show for the many years she had been ‘married.’ In the second case, the lady was very smart and determined early enough that the man only wanted a glorified house-help for his mother. She quickly ended the marriage after a few years and re-married. At the last count, she had four children of her own with her new husband. The third lady refused to believe the obvious. The man had asked her to resign her lucrative job in Lagos and relocate to the East to live with his sick mother. When she protested, he labelled her a disobedient wife. To please her husband, she agreed. She realised what was going on when sadly, her mother-in-law died. After the burial, her husband never showed up again and stopped sending her anything even though she was lucky to have had a daughter. After more than 15 years, when the man died, she could not decide whether she had been married or not and whether she was his widow or not. She was lucky she had her daughter who is now an undergraduate as the only outcome of that ugly phase in her life. In conclusion, much as our ladies will continue to crave for foreign husbands and be lured with the prospect of going abroad, there is a need to be very careful. They should set targets with the men before they go back to their base. A word is enough for the wise. Chinyere

She’s married to a ghost…

Dear Agatha, Though this story is a very sad one and I really feel for this woman who got married to a ghost as husband. But let’s look at it scripturally, according to our only holy manual, she is not entitled to another man as long as her husband is still alive. That is the reason it is always good to ask for God’s divine directive especially in life partner. If it is wrong career, wrong choice of course or any other thing, she can make another choice, but in this circumstance she is not supposed to remarry as long as this wicked man is still alive. Auntie Agatha, what do you think about this. Toyin. Dear Toyin, I am sure God didn’t intend to make us prisoners in any way. She has a right to live, to be happy as a woman and have children. What would she be waiting for when the man is obviously happy with the choice he has made down there? We should be careful when interpreting the Bible. We should allow the Holy Spirit administer to us as every word of the Bible applies to a situation we are passing through. What applies to one person may not apply to the other person. Only God is the supreme judge of our faith. In her shoes, would you continue to wait for a non-existent husband? Good luck.

Marriage outside my love’s plan

With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel:08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will clock 30 this year. I have been dating the man in my life for five years now. We have talked about getting married. When it looks like he is all set for it, he comes up with an excuse of why we should postpone it. Initially his excuses had to do with his lack of accommodation and a viable job. Through my father’s connection, I was able to secure him a good job in the ministry; his job came with staff quarters. He heads a department that is into verification of land, which means he is making so much from his extra deals. Not only does he have a house now, through his deals, he has two houses to his name. So it isn’t a matter of us not having the required funds or the right kind of accommodation. The thing is that I don’t know why he appears afraid to marry. I have tried to find out from him if there is anything about the matter; something I am doing that is wrong or he doesn’t like. He has never stopped assuring me that I mean so much to him. It isn’t as if I depend on him financially. I run my own business with very impressive clientele which have also increased through his own connections. He appears to be happy with the arrangement of both of us staying together without any legal paper. With my parents moving down town, he wants us to live together but much as I love him, I have never really liked the idea of a couple living together permanently without formalising their relationship. Our families are well known to each other, a point he refers to when I insist on us formalising our relationship. His friends too appear hesitant to marry. Except for two of them, many of his friends, are mostly single parents or live in lovers with the mothers of their children. I love him, but I don’t know what to do about him or this relationship. I have tried to reason with him about my age, pointing out to him that I am a woman with limited time to have children. He says there is nothing stopping us from starting a family if I so desire. Agatha, I don’t know what is happening. I am so confused about this whole thing. I love him so much to end the relationship. He loves me too; he demonstrates it everywhere we are. Do I take my friend’s suggestion and get pregnant? I don’t want any woman to reap where I have cultivated and sowed. Help me. Layimika. Dear Layimika, The choice to begin a family with a man who isn’t ready to perform any form of marital ceremony on you is purely your choice. But marriage isn’t something one does out of desperation or with half baked reasons. Unless your mind is made up to journey with those children as a single parent, nothing protects your union. No matter how strong your love for each other is, you are merely his girlfriend if nothing formal is done on you by him or members of his family. That which you fear, another woman coming to reap where you have tilled and sowed may one day become a reality if he insists on both of you living together as live in lovers. But beyond the issue of marriage, what was the agreement between the two of you when you met? Did he promise you anything at the beginning? Did he plan to marry you when he approached you for a relationship five years ago? Sincerely, this is where you should start from. Some men approach a woman simply to have an affair with her while others plan marriage from the beginning. If he never conceptualised marriage with you from the beginning, it might be difficult for him to now do so despite having spent five years together. Although you have been instrumental to his success as a man, there must be a spiritual harmony between his person and spirit man concerning having you as a wife. He may want it, but if that deep part of his is struggling against the idea of you being a permanent feature in his life, he will always fight the idea of having anything formal. What he can cope with now is having you in his life without the complications of the legal structure. He wants to be able to go and come. This is what he can cope with at this point. To an extent he is sincere with you. The problem is, are you sincere with yourself? Will you ever be happy with him under this condition he has given you? It is obvious you are only willing to play along because you don’t have an alternative to him but for you to be really happy, you must consider every angle to this issue before deciding on it. Sometime what we consider to be the end of the road may be the beginning of a very wonderful road. That you helped him doesn’t mean you must end up as his wife. You must ask God first to know what you should do. If after having children, he doesn’t marry you again. What would be your testimony and story to the children? What name will you be answering if you live with him as his live in lover? Mrs. or Miss? What we do today becomes a reference point for our children. Be wise and prayerful. Good luck.

My husband is a womaniser

With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel:08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband is a chronic womaniser. There is nothing I haven’t done to make him change. He is always going in and out of relationships. I knew when we were dating that he was incapable of being faithful to a woman but I thought all that would change once we got married. I also didn’t think he would degenerate to this level. It seems as he ages, his line of women increase to tally with his age. These days, they call him even at home; not minding that he would be with his family at that time of the day. He is going to be 51 while I shall be 50, this year. His thirst for women hasn’t depreciated one bit. I actually met him when I was almost giving up any hope of being married, at almost 40 years of age. Our first born is just 10 years of age while the second one is nine. I don’t know if I can cope with this anymore. It hasn’t been easy for me at all. But I am just as scared of leaving him because I don’t know how I will cope with two young children without their father. I am fed up trying to keep him away from all the women in his life. Initially I was always fighting them until one of them called me an old woman. Please help me because I don’t know how to cope anymore with my kind of marriage and husband. Although he is attentive to his children and me, ensures we lack nothing, but I want more from him. I want him to myself; I am not getting younger. Is companionship not the reason we marry? At my age, my choices are very limited. Please help me. Wunmi. Dear Wunmi, Every good marriage must go through the mill of patience, endurance, sacrifice, selflessness, stupidity, wisdom and fear of God. For your kind of marriage to work, you must be determined to be loyal to your vows. If you keep focusing on the ways of your husband, the hurt of his disloyalty to you, lack of respect of the many women in his life, your marriage won’t survive this difficult period. There is always a history of pains and foolish patience behind every marriage that has survived to be called successful. Take it from me, successful marriages don’t grow from trees, they come about because the woman at home made up her mind to play, deaf, blind and dumb to the things happening around her. You are very lucky because his attitude didn’t start suddenly. You knew before hand the nature of the man you were getting married to. At least he was honest enough not to pretend about this flaw in his character. Frankly, you gave up your right to complain the moment you agreed to marry him with the unwritten conditions he laid bare for you through his character. By accepting to marry him knowing you will never have him to yourself, will always share him with the numerous women in his life, you should have been better prepared psychologically and spiritually than you obviously are. This isn’t the kind of marriage you go thinking that you will be able to change the man. Sincerely, that was your first mistake. After a certain age, it becomes almost impossible for any person to attempt to change another person. Only God and the determination of your husband to change can achieve the magic. So rather, than fight the women in his life, grumble about your situation, why not go on your knees? Ask God for the reason behind this marriage. Even if you didn’t ask Him in the beginning, considered yourself lucky to have gotten a single man at the age you met him, this is the time to go back to the only one who can make your husband change his ways. God that allowed the marriage to persist till now has a plan. It is this plan you must find and implement for you to be happy at the end of the day. It takes a lot of things to make a marriage work. Remember you are not doing this just for yourself but for him and the children too. You won’t have any excuse if anything happens to him. You are his wife; the one God bequeathed the authority to stand in gap for him. That the women in his life is increasing rather than decreasing since you married him, can only mean that you are not doing enough, or you lack the precise thing needed to make it work. There must be something making him go outside. Go to his family to investigate the origin of this attitude of his. Most of the attitudes we display early in life or later are things we picked up consciously or unconsciously from our parents or relations. Something must have instigated this kind of behaviour. Finding out from his family will give you a clearer and bigger picture of the issue you are dealing with. It will help you focus on where to direct your prayers. And if it is a habit he picked up along the line, it means you have to look into the kinds of friends he has and pray them out of his life. If you don’t employ prayers but depend on your own knowledge or strength to win this war; you will find yourself struggling against the tide. However, you must be strong-minded to stay put in this kind of marriage to succeed. Follow the spiritual with practical steps like ensuring his food, home, person are well taken care of. Make sure the time he spends at home are memorable. You will achieve this by restraining yourself from nagging or letting your worries about his other women show. Since he is responsible enough to provide for you and the children, swim contently in this. Always remember to thank him for whatever he does for you; even if it is his responsibility. Go the extra mile by helping him with his office bag, tie, clothes when either dressing or undressing. There is nothing a humble heart cannot achieve. Go on your knees when serving him. A woman that stoops to conquer is the wisest one at the end of the day. Remember these are the same knees you go on when praying to God. If God answers your prayers when you kneel down to pray, why won’t your husband favour you when you go down before him on those same knees? The truth is, a woman determined to displace you in his home will do this without thinking twice about it. He agreed to marry you and is still staying with you because of something he saw in you. Whatever that is, continue to refine your behaviour until he agrees to leave these women. What most women don’t know is that the little things many women think is unnecessary are the real things that appeal to men. If you develop the habit of joking about his harem, overtime, it will become just that; a joke. By making the most of the time you spend together, you will be helping yourself cope with the kind of situation you have found yourself in this marriage. Like I always say, once a marriage is devoid of physical violence, there is no situation that cannot be managed. Given the wide gap between you and your children, don’t end the marriage. You need his presence to help with the children. Besides given the age you are now, this is the time you need the company of a man most in your life. Good luck.