With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
There is fire burning in my house. As a matter of fact, my husband has sent me out of my home because of it. I’m currently staying with a friend. I have two daughters; the first one got married about five years ago and is yet to have a child.
When my second daughter finished her National Youth Service, I urged her to go and keep her sister company until she gets a job. When after a year, she still couldn’t secure a job, her elder sister decided she should begin to trade. She gave her the initial capital with which she traveled to Dubai to buy things.
My first daughter’s job as an external auditor was a demanding one, which sometimes took her out of the home for more than a week. Her husband met her on the job hence didn’t complain. To help her manage her home, she had a house-help. At one point, the younger sister was always complaining about the house-help and her sister was forced to ask the girl to go for peace sake as well as respect for her sister.
However, my husband after listening to the house-help demanded that I should immediately order my younger daughter to leave her sister’s house. I objected and demanded from my husband why she should be the one to leave. He told me what the house-help said but I objected and instead accused the house-help of trying to destroy my daughter’s house.
The house-help told my husband that my younger daughter and her sister’s husband were having an affair. I didn’t bother to investigate and actually fought my husband when he went to our daughter’s house to demand the return of the younger sister. With my support, the younger sister stayed on especially as neither my husband or me was ready to explain our reasons to our elder daughter.
I really don’t know what happened but my younger daughter became pregnant and didn’t bother to inform anybody until her elder sister coincidentally saw the result of her pregnancy test.
According to my elder daughter, in the process of her trying to find out who her mystery boyfriend is, since the one she knows is outside the country, she became very rude to the elder sister. Somehow, it led to them exchanging words which eventually ended in the elder one slapping the younger one.
It was during this heated exchange that the younger one told the elder sister, not to ever try it as they were now mates. It was at that point she told the sister that she was pregnant for her husband.
But for the timely intervention of neighbours, only God knows what would have happened.
By the time my husband and I got there on the orders of our elder daughter, her husband too had come home. He too didn’t know how to handle the mess he created.
My offense in the whole matter was insisting that the younger daughter be allowed to give birth instead of aborting the pregnancy as my husband and other family members are insisting. As a matter of fact, the mother-in-law of my daughter said she would rather die without seeing the child of her son than allow my younger daughter give birth to the child. She said in their place in Edo State, it was a big taboo for a man to sleep with two sisters.
Her stance coupled with my husband’s earlier warning made him conclude I was privy to my younger daughter’s decision to sleep with the husband of her elder sister.
For this reason, I have been sent packing while my younger daughter too has also been sent out of her sister’s house.
My pleas to my husband to understand that as a mother, I simply wanted the best for my daughters, fell on deaf ears. I reasoned that if the elder daughter is unable to have children in that family and the younger one is able, it was better than a complete stranger coming to take over her home. Besides, who can query God in all these? That child didn’t happen without His knowledge so why kill it simply because the women are sisters? If another woman had been involved, would the discussion be on her aborting the pregnancy? They are my daughters, so I should be the one crying the more.
I am really confused on how to proceed from here. Besides I want to go back to my husband’s house. I miss not being with him.
Bisoye.
Dear Bisoye,
Granted, we are never in any position to query God but, as the mother of the two women, wisdom demands discretion in the handling of this kind of very sensitive matter among your daughters.
Even if you didn’t want your younger daughter to abort the pregnancy, there are ways of saying it without making it appear you approve of the abomination she has committed. To say openly that what she has done is the will of God is to send out a wrong signal to your elder daughter, your husband as well as other family members that you deliberately encouraged your younger daughter to seduce her sister’s husband.
There is no way you can, from your action and utterances, wash yourself clean of this smear your younger daughter’s behaviour has dabbed on you. As a mother, the onus is on you to solve this problem your apathy is currently causing in your family.
No matter what you thought of the utterances of the house-help, you should have followed your husband’s advice by investigating what the house-help said. Although, your younger daughter wouldn’t have admitted to sleeping with her sister’s husband but, you should have told her to come back home like your husband suggested.
Doubtless, it may not have ended their relationship but it would have truncated the freedom and confidentiality living together under the same roof gave both of them. It would have helped you keep a tab on the movement of your daughter as well as remind her that the man she is sleeping with is her sister’s husband. Cocooned in the same house with the man, toned down whatever sense of loyalty she felt towards her sister.
The truth is that nothing you say or do will change what has happened. What matters the most is how to proceed from here. The first thing is for you to reconcile with your first daughter who naturally will feel betrayed by your insistence that her sister keeps the pregnancy. If she is insisting on her sister aborting the pregnancy, it is within her rights to make such demands because to her the presence of the child will keep the memory of her pains evergreen. The best you can do for this woman is to keep your second daughter and her expected child as far away from your eldest daughter, as possible.
The fact that she is yet to have a child of her own is bound to make her feel worse than she would ordinarily have felt. Honestly, it would have been better if it was another woman that betrayed her; at least she would have you and her sister to support her in her pains. But her sister? Who is to comfort her? Who else is she to trust? You as her mother is now torn between the two of them so it makes her more alone and lonely than ever before.
Even if her sister leaves; what about the child? That child will forever remind her of this moment. By taking the child, you give your children the chance to continue with their lives.
For now, don’t try to reconcile them because the pains of betrayal is still too deep and things might be said that will be impossible for either of them to take back. If your second daughter can afford it, let her relocate from the country. It would be in her best interest since the news that she slept and had a baby for her sister’s husband will continue to haunt her everywhere she goes. It is one stigma that will never leave her or your family. But time will eventually mellow the pains of this betrayal especially if she gets pregnant and begin to have her own babies.
To hope that the two women will be as loving as they were before this incident is to hope for too much. It is one of the sacrifices you have to pay for failing to act when you should.
As for your husband, send emissaries to him to beg him and to assure him that you are innocent of supporting your younger daughter to destroy her elder sister’s home. Your husband’s disappointment and pains come from your refusal to heed his order that your younger daughter comes back home. He is waiting to see how you will resolve this problem. As soon as he is convinced of your efforts, he will change his mind.
Above all, ask for the help of God to right all the wrong of this situation.
Good luck.
My husband does not satisfy my sexual urge
Dear Agatha,
I have been trying so hard to resist going out of my matrimonial home to have an affair but the truth is I am only postponing the inevitable. For the two years I have been married, my husband hasn’t been able to satisfy my sexual urge. It is so bad that I have taken to self-ministration just to maintain some emotional equilibrium in my marriage.
The worst thing is that I cannot discuss the issue with him because he has the prim and propder attitude which makes any discussion about sex prohibited.
We were sexually active before we got married but because he was always never around as a bank manager, I didn’t have reasons to complain. Besides at 38 then, I was desperate, didn’t have too many choices and thought I would be able to change him along the line.
But two years into our marriage it doesn’t appear as if I can continue to cope with him. I am a full blown woman with needs. Some friends I spoke with said, this is no longer an issue these days; that there are a dozen men willing to give me the kind of satisfaction I want. Besides, I recently ran into an old flame who appears very disposed to helping me solve this problem.
However, I am scared that if I am found out, he will throw me out of the house. He can be very cruel when he wants to be but can also be very caring which is what he has been to me since we got married. He won’t hesitate to take away my baby if he has to. I was really lucky finding him when I did which is the reason I am so confused.
Much as I want to keep my home, my body needs the balm of a good sex life to stay happy. Am I asking for too much? What if the man I find decides to blackmail me after? One of the men my friends found for me is actually a young man struggling to make ends meet. His job is to help me stay happy while I provide funds for him to make his life better. The money isn’t the issue since I can always get my husband to increase my house-keeping money but, what if he turns around to blackmail me for more money later? I am terrified of the implications if my husband ever finds out I haven’t just been unfaithful to him but has been using his money too to finance my affair.
Please help me.
Ada.
Dear Ada,
You can have a fulfilling sex life without having an affair or depending on self-ministration to get it right. All that is required is for you to use more of your imagination.
Begin by accessing your husband’s maximum and minimum ability. Since meeting him, what has been his best so far as well as his low points? During those times he came close to your expectation, what brought on the mood? There is no way you can make him better if you don’t know how to engineer his relaxation. As a bank manager, there is no contesting the fact that stress and worries associated with keeping his job will at the end of the day affect his state of mind. If all he worries about is how to ensure he meets his target as manager as well as maintain his family, his libido will certainly be affected.
Worries and sex don’t go together. A man that is always worried will never make a good lover. As his wife, you will need to do more to drag him out of his worry zone once he is with you. His performance before he married you might be better than it is now because then, he didn’t have to add a wife and child to his worry list. Then it was just him; now he has you and the baby to think of hence, the more reason for him to put in his all to ensure he keeps his job.
This is why you must use your imagination to find ways of helping him relax and appreciate your presence in his life. You have to use tact and your womanly instinct to help him function better.
A lot would depend on the kind of approach you adopt. There is no way he is going to dismiss complains about sexual satisfaction if you employ wit and open understanding in bringing up the issue. He would naturally become offended if you make it sound as if you sound critical of him as a man. No man can put up with his wife or woman telling him he isn’t man enough to make her feel like a woman. The usual conclusion would be that the woman has been messing around.
The trick here is to take the lead. For now don’t give him a clue about what you feel each time he makes love to you. You will be putting him on guard and very suspicious of your motive if you say anything to him.
Begin your night of seduction by cooking his favourite meal. Even if he is tough and unromantic, his choice food will do the magic. It will take him down to a time he cherishes the most; that time he made the decision to make this meal his preferred. Often than not, our favourite choices come from pleasant memories of a time past. By tapping into that, you bring back long forgotten memories of a time he was carefree, happy and without a burden. If he still has a mother, going to her, to help you gather memorials of his growing up years may do the trick. Preparing his mother’s favourite meals for him may just be what you need to gain access into his heart forever.
By the time you are through with the food, using information from his mother or sibling, talk about his cherished topics; the film he liked the most when he was younger, his first date and all the wonderful things about his parents and family.
Use good music to remind him of how good it is to relax. By talking to him about the past, you gradually take him to a time before his bank job as well as all the complications that go with it. By the time you are both ready to sleep, his mind will be relaxed enough to allow you take the lead.
Adding an adult film the next time will further enhance your previous effort. Even for couples that have found a good harmony, they still need tits and bits of exciting new ideas to keep their nest fresh.
Use your knowledge of sex to help him relax. Give him a total package of what you know; beginning from his scalp to the sole of his feet. The motive is to imprint in his mind you, the moment and message of love. If you are good at it, you will have succeeded in creating a new world for both of you and for him specifically. He may not have had a woman in his adult life who has had anything to do with giving him some basic lessons on how to please a woman. As long as you are sure of what you want, and you are not shy in drawing it out of him, your love life will experience tremendous changes.
Lots of men assume that pleasing a woman begins and ends with her capture. By using actions rather than words, you will be communicating your needs to him effortlessly. This method in addition to enhancing your love life, will also improve your personal relationship with your husband. A man who works as hard as your husband needs a friend and companion at home to help him unwind. Be the friend he needs. It will also help you to know him better than you currently do.
If protecting his home is cruelty, then all men are so. This is no news. As a matter of fact, you are the one who is cruel in this marriage. Remember you refused to complain before marriage simply on account of your desperation to marry so it would amount to wickedness for you to now make it an issue in your marriage to the point of contemplating using his money to fund your extra marital affairs.
Ignore all those friends that are urging you towards having an affair outside your home. At the end of the day, you will be the fool to take to their counsel.
A man willing to sleep with a married woman for money, will think nothing of reporting such woman to her husband if she fails to pay him whatever fee he demands for his service. And, what makes you sure your friends are really out to help you? For all you know, they maybe aiding the destruction of your home to give them access to your husband. No good friend tells her friend to engage in extra marital affairs so be careful with these kinds of friends. If you are wise, quietly delete them from your life.
In addition, stop sharing the intimacy of you and your husband with friends. It is a habit that might get you into trouble if told to the wrong kinds of friends.
Besides, if you think of the shame of being thrown out of your home if caught, you won’t even think of betraying your marital vows.
Just submit everything concerning your home to God. It is essential you do this.
Good luck.
Monday, April 16, 2012
I feel to nervous to approach a lady
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I need your help on how to approach and start a conversation with a lady. I am usually tongue-tied when I come across a lady I like. Whenever I even summon the courage to approach one, I find it very difficult to initiate any form of chat which makes the whole essence of even approaching her useless.
I need your help; at least educate me on what to say to a woman I find interesting. Are there books that can help me?
Stanley.
Dear Stanley,
Although you didn’t tell me your age, you will eventually outgrow this shyness. A lot of men who are today experts at sweet-talking a woman also had similar challenge.
One thing you must first accept is the fact that the worst any woman can do to you is to reject your offer for friendship. Women don’t bite; though experts at scorning or laughing at the offers of a man, it is a woman’s worst reaction, nothing more, nothing less. To be intimidated by a woman’s attitude is to heap a burden of self-consciousness on yourself; one you may find very difficult as a man to outgrow.
The second mistake, and perhaps the more important is never to tell a woman you are meeting for the first time, you are in love with her. It makes the whole essence of your discussion and intent very cheap and lacking of depth.
A man usually gets tongue-tied when trying so much to make an impression. It is easier to begin a conversation by commenting on safe things like the weather, which can either be very good on the day you meet or bad. A simple good day; ‘how are you on this wonderful sunny day or on this wet day,’ can begin the journey of a lifetime.
Refuse to comment on her beauty but look for something special, like her eyes, smile, voice or courtesy to comment on. Women like knowing that a man notices such special features about her, rather than the general thing every man sees or comments on.
Don’t attempt to take the relationship further after such compliments. Rather, devote time into being a good friend, one who cares about her thoughts, dreams, plans for the future. Get to know about her disappointments, weaknesses, strengths and friends.
By showing her that you are not concerned about her body but her development as a human being, you make it easier for both of you to function as friends at all times; this way you both are able to develop a tradition of trust, loyalty and absolute friendship.
This way, you are both giving yourselves time to get to know each other, develop a pattern of functional friendship that can withstand the test of time. Every relationship that begins from friendship has a way of surviving difficult and confusing times.
Your approach of friendship rather than relationship during the nascent days of your meeting gives her the confidence to be truthful with you. Only few people are able to pretend or conceal their nature from their friends.
The third is not to try to impress any woman because at the end of the day, the man when found out would become a subject of her scorn or mockery. Therefore, learn to be natural. Give her the chance to see you for who you are. Don’t lie or pretend to be what you are not. And even when you are who you claim you are, modesty is important in life.
Beyond all these reasons is the fact that a man should be prepared to be turned down by women. Therefore it will help your cause by developing a very strong skin when it comes to matters affecting women and love. A woman that says no in the morning can turn around to say years later in the day. No woman wants to end up with a man who lacks the drive to pursue the woman after his heart. It is the only time a woman gets to feel like the real queen in a man’s life. Therefore not every woman is about to give up her right to feel cherished on those heady moments of a man falling in love with them.
Remember no matter how unapproachable a woman appears to be, good conduct and maturity of the man can change her mind at the end of the day.
There are lots of books on the bookshelves but a man’s best teacher remains experience. Even if a woman is nasty to you on a first date, refuse to allow her get under your skin. Keep striving to make it work for you. A woman who turns you down is only teaching you to become better the next time. She is also helping you to eliminate ideas that are worthless in your search for the perfect woman.
Always remember the best things are the ones that take our extra efforts to achieve in life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I need your help on how to approach and start a conversation with a lady. I am usually tongue-tied when I come across a lady I like. Whenever I even summon the courage to approach one, I find it very difficult to initiate any form of chat which makes the whole essence of even approaching her useless.
I need your help; at least educate me on what to say to a woman I find interesting. Are there books that can help me?
Stanley.
Dear Stanley,
Although you didn’t tell me your age, you will eventually outgrow this shyness. A lot of men who are today experts at sweet-talking a woman also had similar challenge.
One thing you must first accept is the fact that the worst any woman can do to you is to reject your offer for friendship. Women don’t bite; though experts at scorning or laughing at the offers of a man, it is a woman’s worst reaction, nothing more, nothing less. To be intimidated by a woman’s attitude is to heap a burden of self-consciousness on yourself; one you may find very difficult as a man to outgrow.
The second mistake, and perhaps the more important is never to tell a woman you are meeting for the first time, you are in love with her. It makes the whole essence of your discussion and intent very cheap and lacking of depth.
A man usually gets tongue-tied when trying so much to make an impression. It is easier to begin a conversation by commenting on safe things like the weather, which can either be very good on the day you meet or bad. A simple good day; ‘how are you on this wonderful sunny day or on this wet day,’ can begin the journey of a lifetime.
Refuse to comment on her beauty but look for something special, like her eyes, smile, voice or courtesy to comment on. Women like knowing that a man notices such special features about her, rather than the general thing every man sees or comments on.
Don’t attempt to take the relationship further after such compliments. Rather, devote time into being a good friend, one who cares about her thoughts, dreams, plans for the future. Get to know about her disappointments, weaknesses, strengths and friends.
By showing her that you are not concerned about her body but her development as a human being, you make it easier for both of you to function as friends at all times; this way you both are able to develop a tradition of trust, loyalty and absolute friendship.
This way, you are both giving yourselves time to get to know each other, develop a pattern of functional friendship that can withstand the test of time. Every relationship that begins from friendship has a way of surviving difficult and confusing times.
Your approach of friendship rather than relationship during the nascent days of your meeting gives her the confidence to be truthful with you. Only few people are able to pretend or conceal their nature from their friends.
The third is not to try to impress any woman because at the end of the day, the man when found out would become a subject of her scorn or mockery. Therefore, learn to be natural. Give her the chance to see you for who you are. Don’t lie or pretend to be what you are not. And even when you are who you claim you are, modesty is important in life.
Beyond all these reasons is the fact that a man should be prepared to be turned down by women. Therefore it will help your cause by developing a very strong skin when it comes to matters affecting women and love. A woman that says no in the morning can turn around to say years later in the day. No woman wants to end up with a man who lacks the drive to pursue the woman after his heart. It is the only time a woman gets to feel like the real queen in a man’s life. Therefore not every woman is about to give up her right to feel cherished on those heady moments of a man falling in love with them.
Remember no matter how unapproachable a woman appears to be, good conduct and maturity of the man can change her mind at the end of the day.
There are lots of books on the bookshelves but a man’s best teacher remains experience. Even if a woman is nasty to you on a first date, refuse to allow her get under your skin. Keep striving to make it work for you. A woman who turns you down is only teaching you to become better the next time. She is also helping you to eliminate ideas that are worthless in your search for the perfect woman.
Always remember the best things are the ones that take our extra efforts to achieve in life.
Good luck.
My hubby has a secret family outside the country
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Men are very treacherous. How unfair can men be to women! I am going to be 60 this year. I have been married for 40 years. I invested everything I had into this marriage. I am the only child of my parents so I inherited everything they had. When things were very difficult for my husband and I, the only house they had in Surulere, I sold to enable my husband begin his business.
Today, he is quite successful. If anybody had told me that this man I helped to become the success he currently is, would bite the fingers that fed him, I would have called that person a liar.
About two months ago, I went to the United Kingdom to visit my son whose wife just put to bed. While there, one of the wife’s cousin came to visit her. From their discussion, it was obvious that they hadn’t seen in recent time. This cousin apparently lives in the United States with his family.
I really couldn’t say what was so familiar about the cousin but he looked like someone I once met long time ago. I was really curious to know so I asked him about his work, state of origin, his parents and all the things you ask when trying to help the memory recall something from its bank.
My daughter-in-law innocently aided my quest for information as she announced that he shares the same surname as our family name. I was very curious to know so asked him his full name; the same names as my husband’s. I asked him about his mother, who I gathered is Caribbean.
I didn’t know what to do because the face I thought was familiar was actually my husband’s. The boy was the replica of my husband. He was more of his mirror image than my son. When I asked how old he was, I discovered he was just three years younger than my first son while his sister and my third were age mates.
Again, my daughter-in-law provided the information about the sister. When I asked him about his father, he said he was fine and presently in Nigerian with his other family.
Further questions reveal that he has told them about his Nigerian family; and how afraid he was of them coming to visit him because of his wife. He said the mother and father were legally married in the United States. When he asked if I knew his father going by the similarities in our surnames, I told him, I would find out from my husband. It was all I could do at that time not to let the secret out of the bag.
Without explaining my reasons, I told my children I was going back to Nigeria the following day.
In the plane back home, I was praying against the reality of what I just heard but it turned out to be the truth. He didn’t bother to hide the truth from me.
His excuse? I never made him to feel like a man. Right from the very day I married him, I have always made him feel inferior, never lost the opportunity of reminding him I made him.
He said, I kept deriding him in the presence of the children by my recount of how I sold my father’s house to help him. He attributes the attitude of the children towards him to that.
I am really hurt and confused. I know he is trying to justify what he did by all the excuses about my behaviour. Even if I am guilty of all that, is marrying another woman right? Is it his way of repaying me for all I have done for him?
Of his own volition, he personally told the children about his other family. Ironically, my children, especially my sons, I thought would align with me against their father, all appear to be blaming me for the situation in my house. My eldest son, actually told me he didn’t blame his father for sourcing for happiness elsewhere. He stopped short of calling me a nag. My only daughter, though wasn’t as vocal as the brothers, just urged me to take things easy and sort it out with their father.
I have made up my mind to leave and have actually initiated discussion on the ownership of his business since I brought the money for the initial capital. I won’t let another woman reap where she didn’t sow. But I need your help, am I doing the right thing?
An old friend of mine thinks, I am going about it the wrong way and that if I am not careful, I risk losing the respect and support of my children. But I cannot allow any woman into my home, the one I took my parents money to establish. It is not possible! As it is, he has already used my money to train his other children. What kind of help can you offer me Agatha?
I want you to appreciate that I am a hurt woman who is desperate to keep her inheritance.
Patience.
Dear Patience,
At almost 60, should you be more concerned about your peace of mind, making up with your children than fighting over a legacy your children, from your narration, may not really need?
Can wrongs ever be right? Granted, your husband has been unfair to you but don’t you think your current reaction is giving basis for your husband’s decision to marry another woman? If your children are not supporting you, and actually appear to be giving their father tacit support, can you still say you are right?
There are situations in life when our righteousness can be very wrong. In this situation, your justification may not be right at the end of the day.
What is life? What is the essence of marriage? Is it to just have children? We can all give one reason or the other to rationalise our actions but would these excuses stand the test of time, when our actions and the results we get are put side by side?
Yes, you did the right thing, helping to kick start your husband’s success in life but does it merit your nagging him; exposing him to the disdain of the children? If your own children can say those things about you, then you must have been terrible in your quest to ensure their father didn’t forget the side where his bread was buttered.
Marriage is more than a journey of having good financial base; it is more of a journey of success, respect and tolerance.
Nagging him to remain loyal to you obviously drove him into the hands of another woman; one who knows that a good marriage is more than having plenty of money to spend.
Unwittingly, you created the opportunity for this woman to have a permanent stay in your husband’s life because the resonance of your words was hurting his being. You were making him feel worthless as a man; he needed to assure himself that he was man enough to command the respect and loyalty of a woman.
Granted, he started with your money but over the years, he has invested his time and intellect to making that money a success. If it weren’t for his sound business mind and judgements, do you think, you would have been able to manage that inheritance you seem to pride more than anything else in your world?
If it weren’t his destiny to be successful, that money would have gone down the drain. What you only did was to give him an early start; he did the rest. If you hadn’t given him the money, someone else would have. God only used you to make His desires for your husband to come to early manifestation.
In your shoes, I would discard any attempt at sharing out the property or leaving the home. To continue with this line of action is to say your 40 years together as a couple has been a complete waste. Deep down, isn’t this marriage worth saving despite what he has done to you?
The beauty of life is our ability to learn from our mistakes. At every level in life, we must make conscious effort to do away with the mistakes of the past. There is nothing stopping you from enjoying your marriage by making conscious and positive attempts at correcting the mistakes of the past.
Going ahead with your decision will further cause a disharmony between you and your children on one hand and your husband on the other hand.
Take advantage of your chance meeting with your stepchildren to mend the wounds your attitude and utterances have caused in your home. To do otherwise is to become a very lonely woman in life. As it stands, your children already have their own families, ones if you stay longer than necessary would become uncomfortable with you while your husband too has a wife and children to fill his space too. Your leaving the house will give him the freedom he needs to fully integrate his family into his life. Old age gives us the opportunity to count our loses, adjust our lives to accommodate the many imperfections of life.
There is nothing love cannot forgive. Become the rallying point for your family. His other wife and children will never take your place if you are wise and know how to patch things up. Rather than fight him, encourage discussion, this way you will know what went wrong as well as how to manage all the new challenges without becoming the ultimate victim.
By being close to God, you make things easier for you to manage.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Men are very treacherous. How unfair can men be to women! I am going to be 60 this year. I have been married for 40 years. I invested everything I had into this marriage. I am the only child of my parents so I inherited everything they had. When things were very difficult for my husband and I, the only house they had in Surulere, I sold to enable my husband begin his business.
Today, he is quite successful. If anybody had told me that this man I helped to become the success he currently is, would bite the fingers that fed him, I would have called that person a liar.
About two months ago, I went to the United Kingdom to visit my son whose wife just put to bed. While there, one of the wife’s cousin came to visit her. From their discussion, it was obvious that they hadn’t seen in recent time. This cousin apparently lives in the United States with his family.
I really couldn’t say what was so familiar about the cousin but he looked like someone I once met long time ago. I was really curious to know so I asked him about his work, state of origin, his parents and all the things you ask when trying to help the memory recall something from its bank.
My daughter-in-law innocently aided my quest for information as she announced that he shares the same surname as our family name. I was very curious to know so asked him his full name; the same names as my husband’s. I asked him about his mother, who I gathered is Caribbean.
I didn’t know what to do because the face I thought was familiar was actually my husband’s. The boy was the replica of my husband. He was more of his mirror image than my son. When I asked how old he was, I discovered he was just three years younger than my first son while his sister and my third were age mates.
Again, my daughter-in-law provided the information about the sister. When I asked him about his father, he said he was fine and presently in Nigerian with his other family.
Further questions reveal that he has told them about his Nigerian family; and how afraid he was of them coming to visit him because of his wife. He said the mother and father were legally married in the United States. When he asked if I knew his father going by the similarities in our surnames, I told him, I would find out from my husband. It was all I could do at that time not to let the secret out of the bag.
Without explaining my reasons, I told my children I was going back to Nigeria the following day.
In the plane back home, I was praying against the reality of what I just heard but it turned out to be the truth. He didn’t bother to hide the truth from me.
His excuse? I never made him to feel like a man. Right from the very day I married him, I have always made him feel inferior, never lost the opportunity of reminding him I made him.
He said, I kept deriding him in the presence of the children by my recount of how I sold my father’s house to help him. He attributes the attitude of the children towards him to that.
I am really hurt and confused. I know he is trying to justify what he did by all the excuses about my behaviour. Even if I am guilty of all that, is marrying another woman right? Is it his way of repaying me for all I have done for him?
Of his own volition, he personally told the children about his other family. Ironically, my children, especially my sons, I thought would align with me against their father, all appear to be blaming me for the situation in my house. My eldest son, actually told me he didn’t blame his father for sourcing for happiness elsewhere. He stopped short of calling me a nag. My only daughter, though wasn’t as vocal as the brothers, just urged me to take things easy and sort it out with their father.
I have made up my mind to leave and have actually initiated discussion on the ownership of his business since I brought the money for the initial capital. I won’t let another woman reap where she didn’t sow. But I need your help, am I doing the right thing?
An old friend of mine thinks, I am going about it the wrong way and that if I am not careful, I risk losing the respect and support of my children. But I cannot allow any woman into my home, the one I took my parents money to establish. It is not possible! As it is, he has already used my money to train his other children. What kind of help can you offer me Agatha?
I want you to appreciate that I am a hurt woman who is desperate to keep her inheritance.
Patience.
Dear Patience,
At almost 60, should you be more concerned about your peace of mind, making up with your children than fighting over a legacy your children, from your narration, may not really need?
Can wrongs ever be right? Granted, your husband has been unfair to you but don’t you think your current reaction is giving basis for your husband’s decision to marry another woman? If your children are not supporting you, and actually appear to be giving their father tacit support, can you still say you are right?
There are situations in life when our righteousness can be very wrong. In this situation, your justification may not be right at the end of the day.
What is life? What is the essence of marriage? Is it to just have children? We can all give one reason or the other to rationalise our actions but would these excuses stand the test of time, when our actions and the results we get are put side by side?
Yes, you did the right thing, helping to kick start your husband’s success in life but does it merit your nagging him; exposing him to the disdain of the children? If your own children can say those things about you, then you must have been terrible in your quest to ensure their father didn’t forget the side where his bread was buttered.
Marriage is more than a journey of having good financial base; it is more of a journey of success, respect and tolerance.
Nagging him to remain loyal to you obviously drove him into the hands of another woman; one who knows that a good marriage is more than having plenty of money to spend.
Unwittingly, you created the opportunity for this woman to have a permanent stay in your husband’s life because the resonance of your words was hurting his being. You were making him feel worthless as a man; he needed to assure himself that he was man enough to command the respect and loyalty of a woman.
Granted, he started with your money but over the years, he has invested his time and intellect to making that money a success. If it weren’t for his sound business mind and judgements, do you think, you would have been able to manage that inheritance you seem to pride more than anything else in your world?
If it weren’t his destiny to be successful, that money would have gone down the drain. What you only did was to give him an early start; he did the rest. If you hadn’t given him the money, someone else would have. God only used you to make His desires for your husband to come to early manifestation.
In your shoes, I would discard any attempt at sharing out the property or leaving the home. To continue with this line of action is to say your 40 years together as a couple has been a complete waste. Deep down, isn’t this marriage worth saving despite what he has done to you?
The beauty of life is our ability to learn from our mistakes. At every level in life, we must make conscious effort to do away with the mistakes of the past. There is nothing stopping you from enjoying your marriage by making conscious and positive attempts at correcting the mistakes of the past.
Going ahead with your decision will further cause a disharmony between you and your children on one hand and your husband on the other hand.
Take advantage of your chance meeting with your stepchildren to mend the wounds your attitude and utterances have caused in your home. To do otherwise is to become a very lonely woman in life. As it stands, your children already have their own families, ones if you stay longer than necessary would become uncomfortable with you while your husband too has a wife and children to fill his space too. Your leaving the house will give him the freedom he needs to fully integrate his family into his life. Old age gives us the opportunity to count our loses, adjust our lives to accommodate the many imperfections of life.
There is nothing love cannot forgive. Become the rallying point for your family. His other wife and children will never take your place if you are wise and know how to patch things up. Rather than fight him, encourage discussion, this way you will know what went wrong as well as how to manage all the new challenges without becoming the ultimate victim.
By being close to God, you make things easier for you to manage.
Good luck.
Pregnant for a boy, pastor warns against abortion…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 40, a divorcee with two children. Since my separation from my husband three years ago, I have been without a stable relationship. I have sex when I want to, but in the last couple of months, I have fallen hopelessly in love with a 26-year-old man. He works in my department. Since setting my eyes on him, I have been unable to concentrate on anything. I dream of him night and day as well as get very resentful of any female that comes close to him. This has made a female colleague to incur my wrath twice.
Even when I know I should caution him for some very obvious mistakes he makes during the discharge of his duties, I simply gloss over it.
Early in the year, the feelings got very unbearable for me, so I invited him to my house. Good food, wine and mood music must have influenced his boldness not to question my offer. That night he slept at my house. The following day, he was sober enough to apologise but I brushed aside his apologies, assuring him it was okay and confessing my love for him.
Although he told me about his girlfriend as well as his desires to marry her, I silently refused to listen. I wanted all the fairy tales; I have found love in him. I noticed that he was trying as much as possible to avoid me, refusing to look me straight in the eyes as well as trying to avoid any personal thing with me.
I was very angry at this, that I threatened to get tough with him if he keeps ignoring me. The fear of losing his job, made him bow to pressures from me, but from his attitude it was like raping him.
At the point I got tired of forcing him to sleep with me, I found out quite unexpectedly that I am almost four months pregnant. It was actually the prophetic warning of my pastor that alerted me to my state. According to my pastor, attempts to disengage the pregnancy will result in my death. I was planning on getting pregnant because I thought I was secured by the injections I was taking to prevent a pregnancy. Despite my feelings, I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant at all. My last child was already 13 so why would I want a baby to disrupt my life? Aborting this child would have been the best option for all concerned but I don’t want to die. My children will suffer if anything happens to me since I am all they have right now.
The reason I am writing is to ask for your advice. When I informed him about the pregnancy, he told me to my face that I should get rid of the pregnancy that there was no way he would accept responsibilities for the child. That he plans to get married to his girlfriend later this year and he wouldn’t want anybody to know that he has been sleeping with a woman almost his mother’s age. He threatened to deny paternity of the child if I attempt to keep it.
How do I explain to my 15-year-old daughter that I am pregnant for a man who isn’t ready to accept the pregnancy and for a man who is 14 years my junior? How do I explain to my 13-year-old son? What do I tell the child in future who his father is especially since he resigned last week and left no forwarding address?
What more, there is an older man in my life who is now very interested in officially marrying me as his second wife. I don’t know what to do at all.
My best friend insists I should terminate it. But I am scared. In addition to being almost four months, I have been warned against it. Please tell me how to progress from this point. Even though I still have strong feelings for him, I am beginning to hate him for his attitude towards me and his unborn baby. In retrospect, I can’t even explain the nature of my feelings or what brought them on. I really feel so foolish now.
What should I do, Agatha?
Maria.
Dear Maria,
First things first, settle the issue of your unborn baby. Make up your mind that irrespective of whatever the father says or feels, this child is a gift from God; given to you in His wisdom to care for. God doesn’t make mistakes like we humans. The circumstances may not be palatable for you now, but once the child is born, a lot of things will change for good.
The mistake of your adventure has been made. It would be an exercise in futility to dwell on whatever motivated your feelings for him. Certain things in life simply defy logic. Accept what happened to you as one of those things. Destiny cannot be altered. To attempt explaining it would only make you feel worse than you already are.
Therefore, for the sake of your unborn child, give up these feelings and concentrate on making yourself strong for you and your children. From your own admission, you are all they have. People will always talk if that is what you are afraid of. Whether wrong or right, the fact that you are unmarried and pregnant is enough topic of discussion on its own. Besides, by virtue of your being divorced has already made you a constant subject for the gossip minded individuals. Whether you like it or not, nothing you do or say will escape gossip.
So, forget whatever anybody would say about your state. At 40, you don’t owe anybody any explanation for whatever actions you take. As for your children, they will understand when the time is ripe. Your daughter will one day grow up and fall in love. Then she will understand the sometimes craziness and passion of love. Don’t blame yourself for what you felt for this young man. Yes, it was controversial given you are older by 14 years, but love is one of the most irrational kind of emotions in life. An older man could easily have done the same thing you did under the circumstances. Like I said earlier, that unborn child is your concern and responsibility. If you are separated from the man you married, there is no man you cannot be estranged from.
From your account, your children appear to be your only permanent source of comfort and companionship. Very soon, your first set of children will be out of the house to begin their own lives; you will be left with this one. God has positioned this baby to be your companion in your lonely years. With this baby in your life, you won’t have any dull moment or feel dejected because the children are away in boarding school or hostel.
Therefore, see this pregnancy as a wonderful plan of God for tomorrow. In addition, the presence of this child will stop you from making another mistake women in their middle age make when alone.
This is why you must not listen to your friend at all. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Wisdom demands you listen to the servant of God, you didn’t consult, but who came up with a message for you. If you knew you were pregnant, had gone to him for help, then you can doubt the authenticity of his prophecy. That he gave it to you without you even knowing your state is evidence of the desires of God for your life.
Ignore whatever your lover said about this child. Forget him as a matter of fact. One day, when the time comes, that time in the future we always feel the itch to make up with our past, he would come to ask for his child but till then, tell the child, once old enough to understand the ways of the adult world, the truth.
A lot of the child’s reaction would come from the quality of your love, care and time to him or her. If the child is secured in your love, the attitude and reactions of the father won’t matter so much. And as long as you don’t try to embellish the story to present the father as a monster, sticking instead to the naked truth of your love, decision and the issue of his or her coming to being, you will emerge the victor at the end of it all.
Children are not stupid or irrational. How they turn out in life comes from the values implanted into them by their closest parent, the mother. If you are fair and truthful, none of your children will condemn you for being human and a woman. No matter how tough or old we are, we will always need love and affection.
Although your gamble didn’t go down well, be brave and learn to accept that which you cannot change.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 40, a divorcee with two children. Since my separation from my husband three years ago, I have been without a stable relationship. I have sex when I want to, but in the last couple of months, I have fallen hopelessly in love with a 26-year-old man. He works in my department. Since setting my eyes on him, I have been unable to concentrate on anything. I dream of him night and day as well as get very resentful of any female that comes close to him. This has made a female colleague to incur my wrath twice.
Even when I know I should caution him for some very obvious mistakes he makes during the discharge of his duties, I simply gloss over it.
Early in the year, the feelings got very unbearable for me, so I invited him to my house. Good food, wine and mood music must have influenced his boldness not to question my offer. That night he slept at my house. The following day, he was sober enough to apologise but I brushed aside his apologies, assuring him it was okay and confessing my love for him.
Although he told me about his girlfriend as well as his desires to marry her, I silently refused to listen. I wanted all the fairy tales; I have found love in him. I noticed that he was trying as much as possible to avoid me, refusing to look me straight in the eyes as well as trying to avoid any personal thing with me.
I was very angry at this, that I threatened to get tough with him if he keeps ignoring me. The fear of losing his job, made him bow to pressures from me, but from his attitude it was like raping him.
At the point I got tired of forcing him to sleep with me, I found out quite unexpectedly that I am almost four months pregnant. It was actually the prophetic warning of my pastor that alerted me to my state. According to my pastor, attempts to disengage the pregnancy will result in my death. I was planning on getting pregnant because I thought I was secured by the injections I was taking to prevent a pregnancy. Despite my feelings, I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant at all. My last child was already 13 so why would I want a baby to disrupt my life? Aborting this child would have been the best option for all concerned but I don’t want to die. My children will suffer if anything happens to me since I am all they have right now.
The reason I am writing is to ask for your advice. When I informed him about the pregnancy, he told me to my face that I should get rid of the pregnancy that there was no way he would accept responsibilities for the child. That he plans to get married to his girlfriend later this year and he wouldn’t want anybody to know that he has been sleeping with a woman almost his mother’s age. He threatened to deny paternity of the child if I attempt to keep it.
How do I explain to my 15-year-old daughter that I am pregnant for a man who isn’t ready to accept the pregnancy and for a man who is 14 years my junior? How do I explain to my 13-year-old son? What do I tell the child in future who his father is especially since he resigned last week and left no forwarding address?
What more, there is an older man in my life who is now very interested in officially marrying me as his second wife. I don’t know what to do at all.
My best friend insists I should terminate it. But I am scared. In addition to being almost four months, I have been warned against it. Please tell me how to progress from this point. Even though I still have strong feelings for him, I am beginning to hate him for his attitude towards me and his unborn baby. In retrospect, I can’t even explain the nature of my feelings or what brought them on. I really feel so foolish now.
What should I do, Agatha?
Maria.
Dear Maria,
First things first, settle the issue of your unborn baby. Make up your mind that irrespective of whatever the father says or feels, this child is a gift from God; given to you in His wisdom to care for. God doesn’t make mistakes like we humans. The circumstances may not be palatable for you now, but once the child is born, a lot of things will change for good.
The mistake of your adventure has been made. It would be an exercise in futility to dwell on whatever motivated your feelings for him. Certain things in life simply defy logic. Accept what happened to you as one of those things. Destiny cannot be altered. To attempt explaining it would only make you feel worse than you already are.
Therefore, for the sake of your unborn child, give up these feelings and concentrate on making yourself strong for you and your children. From your own admission, you are all they have. People will always talk if that is what you are afraid of. Whether wrong or right, the fact that you are unmarried and pregnant is enough topic of discussion on its own. Besides, by virtue of your being divorced has already made you a constant subject for the gossip minded individuals. Whether you like it or not, nothing you do or say will escape gossip.
So, forget whatever anybody would say about your state. At 40, you don’t owe anybody any explanation for whatever actions you take. As for your children, they will understand when the time is ripe. Your daughter will one day grow up and fall in love. Then she will understand the sometimes craziness and passion of love. Don’t blame yourself for what you felt for this young man. Yes, it was controversial given you are older by 14 years, but love is one of the most irrational kind of emotions in life. An older man could easily have done the same thing you did under the circumstances. Like I said earlier, that unborn child is your concern and responsibility. If you are separated from the man you married, there is no man you cannot be estranged from.
From your account, your children appear to be your only permanent source of comfort and companionship. Very soon, your first set of children will be out of the house to begin their own lives; you will be left with this one. God has positioned this baby to be your companion in your lonely years. With this baby in your life, you won’t have any dull moment or feel dejected because the children are away in boarding school or hostel.
Therefore, see this pregnancy as a wonderful plan of God for tomorrow. In addition, the presence of this child will stop you from making another mistake women in their middle age make when alone.
This is why you must not listen to your friend at all. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Wisdom demands you listen to the servant of God, you didn’t consult, but who came up with a message for you. If you knew you were pregnant, had gone to him for help, then you can doubt the authenticity of his prophecy. That he gave it to you without you even knowing your state is evidence of the desires of God for your life.
Ignore whatever your lover said about this child. Forget him as a matter of fact. One day, when the time comes, that time in the future we always feel the itch to make up with our past, he would come to ask for his child but till then, tell the child, once old enough to understand the ways of the adult world, the truth.
A lot of the child’s reaction would come from the quality of your love, care and time to him or her. If the child is secured in your love, the attitude and reactions of the father won’t matter so much. And as long as you don’t try to embellish the story to present the father as a monster, sticking instead to the naked truth of your love, decision and the issue of his or her coming to being, you will emerge the victor at the end of it all.
Children are not stupid or irrational. How they turn out in life comes from the values implanted into them by their closest parent, the mother. If you are fair and truthful, none of your children will condemn you for being human and a woman. No matter how tough or old we are, we will always need love and affection.
Although your gamble didn’t go down well, be brave and learn to accept that which you cannot change.
Good luck.
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