My wife is unbearable

Dear Agatha,

I got married almost six years back and is blessed with two wonderful children. I have a problem understanding the kind of wife I married. She is so unbearable and picks quarrel on every little thing.

She lacks respect, even for her person. The most annoying thing is, she appears oblivious to the fact that she is married. She uses her time in discussing irrelevancies with my cousin to the extent she does not notice when I come into the house.

This is a woman I have tried very hard to make happy even though times are very rough for me due to economic recession in the stock market.

She hardly can apologise for anything. I’m not a drunk but her excesses usually make me hit her when I’m fed up by her attitude.

 I’m tired of her and don’t feel anything for her anymore. The feeling is mutual as she also doesn’t feel anything for me too. What can I do? I had wanted to leave the house for her but can’t because of the children who will suffer as she doesn’t have anything doing. She is currently schooling and learning how to make hair.

  She doesn’t tell me anything and I hate that with passion. She also hates correction. I’m becoming crazy and don’t want to commit murder.

Please counsel me.
George D.

Dear George D,

Obviously there is a huge problem in your marriage; the kind that requires a lot of thoughts, wisdom, honesty as well as sacrifices to change. You also require a reason for this marriage to succeed. Thank goodness, you have a valid one; the children who will really suffer if you make good your threat to abandon home for her. This, itself is a positive sign that your marriage can survive the storm if properly guided and managed.

One thing you must first understand about every marriage is the imperfection of it. No marriage is perfect because it involves humans; two people with different ideologies, cultures, attitudes, up bringing, values and out look. To expect anything less than imperfection is to delude oneself about the entire concept of the institution.

Often than not, our partners are mirror images of our deficiencies. The more you dwell on the flaws of your wife, the more you destroy the chances of the survival of your once happy home. This is because she too will refuse to take her eyes off your own faults too.

The essence of marriage is companionship. And in the process of it, lots of compromises must be negotiated to achieve its main function of offering friendship in our adult lives. No matter how much you each love your parents or kids, a time would come when you would need each other; the grey and brittle days; when the dimness of the eyes reflect all the pains, sacrifices of all the years and when the laughter web tell the happy moments in life.

That is the age when the consequences of certain decisions taken in haste come back with all viciousness of a nasty ghost to hunt. By then, the children would be at their homes managing their affairs. Then it won’t matter so much to the children who was at fault; their attitude would be, “you should have stayed for us.”

It is this future you should consider. How would your children view your decisions now in later years? Would they forever condemn you, making it impossible for you to enjoy their comfort later in life or bring them closer to you?

Frankly, If you hope to solve this problem substantially, you and your wife must be ready to tell each other some basic truths at every point in your marriage.

First, you must realize that no woman respects a man who is violent. Your wife is a grown up adult hence to hit her, someone you vowed before the world to protect in the presence of her children is devaluing your integrity and position as the head of the house. You must know that feelings are not like taps that can be turned on and off at will. For every hand you raise against her, you kill something deep and valuable right inside of her. So if she is rude and very disrespectful of you, you asked for it by your own conduct of hitting her.

As a father, how would you feel seeing another man batter your own daughter? Any man who is unable to control his temper has no right to label his wife as being insolent. One of the first things you must do is to divest yourself of that foul temper. Even if you leave this woman to marry another woman, you will still have problems if your way of establishing authority as a man is through physical use of force.

Every man knows that women generally exhibit very little restrains when it comes to the application of their tongues. It is the nature of a woman to talk before thinking. Sensible men have since come to realize that reacting to every word the woman says in her moment of agitation will make them appear very insane to a world that is ignorant of the genesis of the situation.

This is because, when a man beats his wife, it is her cries and pains people get to hear of, not the reason for those cries. Therefore, do what some men do, walk away if you aren’t strong enough to ignore her or stop eating her food for a while to drive home your anger. No woman is always comfortable when her husband ignores her food and person for too long.

Trust me; this works better than hitting her. Over time, she will begin to respect your approach and person better than when you were hitting her. She will begin to exercise some restraints in her attitude and disposition towards you generally. A mere glance from some men is enough to make the woman think twice before saying anything.

The reaction of a woman to a violent husband is like that of a child. When a child is subjected to frequent beating, the child soon develops a thick skin; making correction very difficult to impact.

No matter how bad your wife is, you have erased all your advantages by being physical. By beating her, you not only expose her to the riddle of neighbours but yourself too as a man unable to control his temper.

Nasty neighbours and friends cash in on such situations to make fun of the woman; call her names in the process causing her to be more determined to make life a living hell for the man exposing her pains to all and sundry.

Her attitude of insolence is to make you too feel her pains and embarrassment; to let you know how it feels to be humiliated.

Even if you cannot apologise, let her know you are willing to change through your attitude towards her. But as the man, it behooves you to take the decisive steps of growing your home into an ideal one by initiating a dialogue aimed at getting to the bottom of your problems in your home.

There must be something you saw in her that tilted the scale in her favor during your days of searching for the right woman. Dig it up from wherever you kept it. Such memories are what you need now to help pull your marriage of this abyss.

To get the full picture, encourage her to talk about all her disappointments. By so doing, you will get the benefit of her thoughts, likes and clues on the way forward for both of you. Always remember that just as it takes two to tangle; it also takes two to create a situation in a marriage. She cannot on her own have brought about all the pains and distress in your marriage without your help and inputs.

Where you are wrong, be humane enough to apologise and where right, insist on it with love. Marriage is compromises and sacrifices. Both of you must learn to shift grounds a little bit for the sake of yourselves and those children who for now need your presence and care.

All you need is determination to make it work.

As the head of the home, you can stand in gap for your wife. Pray out what you don’t want in her. God is very much in the business of making right what has gone wrong.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

How do I tell him I’m no longer interested in sex?

Dear Agatha,

I met this guy through a friend. We got into the habit of chatting and we got to know each other even though we hadn’t seen physically since he stays in the United States.  

Along the line, we developed feelings for each other and after a while, he decided to come to Nigeria to visit me.

When he came, we stayed in a hotel. I was so happy because I really liked him. He also claimed to like me as well. I went through a bad breakup with my ex, and I just want to be careful.  We stayed in the hotel for three days, we made love. He came inside me, so we had to get a contraceptive. I was really scared because I didn’t want to get pregnant. I have planned my life and getting pregnant now is not in the plan. When I got home, I was scared because we still had unprotected sex. I wasn’t too sure I was safe so I got another contraceptive.
While I was at home, I gave a lot of thoughts to the disappointment my parents would feel if I should get pregnant now in addition to the turn my life would take.  So I decided to stay away from sex till I get married.

 Now I don’t know how to tell him that I have changed my mind about having sexual intercourse with him since we are now officially dating. I’m scared that he might not be interested in the relationship again as most guys love having sex. I don’t know if I should tell him or not.

 Please Agatha, what do I do?
Confused Girl.

Dear Confused Girl,

Tell him the truth about your decision. Although this might create some kinds of confusion especially as you agreed to sleep with him when you hardly knew him and no form of relationship had been established, he would naturally wonder why this decision.

By coming out with the whole truth, including the bit about you not wanting to disappoint your parents or mess up your life, he will come to appreciate certain things your initial behavior did not give him time to value.

You must also endeavor to convince him that your decision isn’t aimed at blackmailing him into marrying you. This might naturally be his first line of thought but once you are able to convince him that your resolution comes from a desire to undo the mistake you made by agreeing to sleep with him without protection or regard for the impression you were giving him about yourself, he will reason along with you.

If you are both meant to be, he will listen to you and help you effect whatever correction you want to make in your life. But beyond the reason you have, it will help tell you what he really thinks of you; if you are meant to be just a play thing, a holiday fling while in Nigeria.

On the other hand, if he leaves you, it means his proclaimed interest in you is suspect; a good reason for you to evaluate your association with him.

Frankly, his reactions to whatever you have to say will go a long way in helping you arrive at a safe conclusion regarding where you really stand with him. Therefore, it isn’t just about pregnancy but about your own peace of mind.

As a woman who has suffered disappointment, you should have been more cautious than you were. What if you had contacted an infection from him or gotten pregnant and he denied responsibility for it? What story will you be telling? It pays to be vigilant always.

The fact that he will soon be leaving for his base means you will have to stop sleeping with him anyway. So if he gets unnecessarily angry because you refuse to sleep with him then something isn’t exactly right with the relationship.

Besides, you both need time to think about the relationship. One of the greatest challenges before you is cultivating this long distant relationship. A lot of efforts and wisdom have to be applied for it to succeed. And if sex is what you both put forward, it might be very difficult to focus on those little things which often than not, turn parasitic in marriages. If both of you are well tuned, sex will always be beautiful between the two of you.

But if there is a gap somewhere in your relationship, no matter how good your sex life is, it will never be enough to keep both of you together.

If he has good intentions for you, your character and not sex will be his major concern,

Good luck.

I get scared to approach a woman

Dear Agatha, 

I need your help on how to approach and start a conversation with a lady. I am usually tongue-tied when I come across a lady I like. Whenever I even summon the courage to approach one, I find it very difficult to initiate any form of chat which makes the whole essence of even approaching her useless.

I need your help; at least educate me on what to say to a woman I find interesting. Are there books that can help me? 

Stanley.

Dear Stanley,

Although you didn’t tell me your age, you will eventually out grow this shyness. A lot of men who are today experts at sweet-talking a woman also had similar challenge.

One thing you must first accept is the fact that the worst any woman can do to you is to reject your offer for friendship. Women don’t bite; though experts at scorning or laughing at the offers of a man, it is a woman’s worst reaction, nothing more, nothing less. To be intimidated by a woman’s attitude is to heap a burden of self-consciousness on yourself; one you may find very difficult as a man to out grow.

The second mistake, and perhaps the more important is never to tell a woman you are meeting for the first time, you are in love with her. It makes the whole essence of your discussion and intent very cheap and lacking of depth.

A man usually gets tongue-tied when trying so much to make an impression. It is easier to begin a conversation by commenting on safe things like the weather which can either be very good on the day you meet or bad. A simple good day; ‘how are you on this wonderful sunny day or on this wet day’, can begin the journey of a lifetime.

Refuse to comment on her beauty but look for something special, like her eyes, smile, voice or courtesy to comment on. women like knowing that a man notices such special features about her, rather than the general thing every man sees or comments on.

Don’t attempt to take the relationship further after such compliments. Rather, devote time into being a good friend, one who cares about her thoughts, dreams, plans for the future. Get to know about her disappointments, weakness, strength and friends.

By showing her that you are not concerned about her body but her development as a human being, you make it easier for both of you to function as friends at all times; this way you both are able to develop a tradition of trust, loyalty and absolute friendship.

Also, you would be giving yourselves time to get to know each other, develop a pattern of functional friendship that can withstand the test of time. Every relationship that begins from friendship has a way of surviving difficult and confusing times.

Your approach of friendship rather than relationship during the nascent days of your meeting gives her the confidence to be truthful with you. Only few people are able to pretend or conceal their nature from their friends.

The third is not to try to impress any woman because at the end of the day, the man when found out would become a subject of her scorn or mockery. Therefore, learn to be natural. Give her the chance to see you for who you are. Don’t lie or pretend to be what you are not. And even when you are who you claim you are, modesty is important in life.

Beyond all these is the fact that as a man you should be prepared to be turned down by women. Therefore it will help your cause by developing a very strong skin when it comes to matters affecting women and love.

A woman that says no in the morning can turn around to say yes later in the day. No woman wants to end up with a man who lacks the drive to pursue her. It is the only time a woman gets to feel like the real queen in a man’s life. Therefore not every woman is about to give up her right to feel cherished on those heady moments of  a man falling in love with them.

Remember no matter how unapproachable a woman appears to be, good conduct and maturity of the man can change her mind at the end of the day.

There are lots of books on the book shelves but a man’s best teacher remains experience. Even if a woman is nasty to you on a first date, refuse to allow her get under your skin. Keep striving to make it work for you. A woman who turns you down is only teaching you to become better the next time. She is also helping you to eliminate ideas that are worthless in your search for the perfect woman.

Always remember the best things are the ones that take our extra efforts to achieve in life.

Good luck.

I can’t stand my wife

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I got married to a complete stranger less than three months after we met. The more I got to know her, the more resentful of her I have become.

I discovered she lived a very careless and carefree life; lived with different men; did a lot of night clubbing while in school. She smokes, is in the habit of dressing immodestly and playing truancy. In fact she played her time away and in the process destroyed herself. She is also spoilt. I got to know a lot of things about her from her friends and those close to her. Some she told me herself. 

Living with her has been terrible. She argues and disagrees with me on everything. She favors going out and spending carelessly even when she has important things to do with money and time. 

Even though she is re-sitting her exams, she hardly sits down to study. We are always at each other’s throats. I am close to hell.

 The smell coming from the core of her person is enough to drive one out of the bed and house. I am finding it very difficult to continue living with her. This is not my idea of a wife and I feel very bad to the point of wanting to kill myself. 

For now, no baby, I even like it that way. Please advise me on what to do, I am very miserable.

Miserable Husband.

Dear Miserable Husband,

One thing you must appreciate about marriage generally is the fact that it comes in very attractive package. You don’t get to know what the package masks until opened. Some get very good deals, some others get moderate deals while another group get very worst deals. But one thing is certain, whatever we find in our packages, we are to manage and make the best of.

Your challenges are compounded by the shortness of your meeting and decision to get married. This is the tragedy of not taking the marriage institution serious. Most often than not, a lot of couples rush into marriages more for extraneous reasons than the actual desire to stay married. This is why every intending couple must first of all take time out to study each other objectively.

Getting married less than three months after your first meeting showed lack of plan for the future as well as your marriage. It also underscored your ill preparation for the challenges ahead of you both as a married couple.

You must realize that having signed the document in the presence of the world, there is no way you can hurry out of it with the same speed with which you entered into the agreement.

Besides, being from different families, your values and outlook towards life are bound to be different. It takes time for such things to blend in any marriage even if you had all the time in the world to get to know yourselves well before signing the dotted lines.

The tragedy of an ill conceived plan is having to live with it. You must give your marriage a chance to work; by making out time to reposition and refocus. This is the real challenge in every marriage.

The mistakes you see in your wife are the same things she sees in you. If you have one thing to complain about in her, you can be sure she has several things to say about you. This is natural. You are both humans and come with defective manuals from the creator’s work table.

Marriage is lending to each other our strengths, thoughts and dreams. It is also learning from the other person.

There is no way you can both think or act alike. Marriage and life for that matter would be really boring if the same things happen everyday of our lives.

Your wife is your challenge and the link between you and your dream. Despite the shortness of your knowing each other, something must have made you settle for her among the many ladies you must have met in your life. This is the time to explore your reasons.

I appreciate all the confusion, laced with disappointments that must be going on in your head over the quality of woman you married, but if you are honest, are you without blemish?

The kind of things you said about her aren’t things she could have hidden from you for long. Even if she did succeed to conceal the other things from you, the bits about her dress sense and attitude she couldn’t have been able to hide from you. If despite seeing the way she dressed you still went ahead to marry her, the same determination if applied to the protection of your marriage can change a lot of things in your lives.

Doubtless, you have feelings for her; don’t deny this simply because you are disappointed with the package you have. If we all choose to walk away simply because there are too many defects in our packages, the entire marital system would have long collapsed completely.

This is why you must make the essential sacrifice for this marriage. Besides what assurances do you have that if you give her and this marriage up, you will get someone better than she is?

Life doesn’t work the way we plan or hope it would. Sometimes, it takes a very warped path to get us to the promised land.

Sit her down and tell her everything you feel is wrong with your marriage. Say it the way you feel and tell her what your decision is as well. It may not count for much now but overtime, she would begin to appreciate your kind of patience and selflessness in trying to make this marriage work.

Having lived the kind of life you described, getting her to change her person may not be as easy as you think. She is no longer a spring chicken; she is old and already set in her ways. For this reason, her metamorphosis cannot be achieved overnight. It has to be done in phases. The issue of her offensive odor can be tackled first.

She may not even know how bad the odor of her person is. This is something you can help her with without making a fuse out of it. It is a simple matter of suggesting you both take a bath together and in the process help her to wash that vital part of her well. Let it come as romantic suggestions. For a woman who has been around, she will warm up to it. Follow this by buying her new pants. Insist she gets rid of her old ones. Using fresh lime juice, especially after menstruation can get rid of foul smell as a result of the different discharges women secrete at different times of the month.

Encourage her to shave her pubic hair; to minimize the amount of amount discharges trapped in the hair on her pubic region. When a woman isn’t too neat, these can cause her to ooze. You can tell her your aim after these efforts for her to continue on her own.

Advise her to soak her under-wears over night in detergent water. It will help keep them clean.

Although you may wonder at the logic of teaching an old woman how to maintain a certain level of hygiene, the fact is, she is your wife and since her present condition is one of the issues affecting your home, doing it will help your marriage stabilize.

On the issue of her sense of dressing, buy her the kinds of clothes you want her in. Insist she wears them for you because it would make you very happy. The fact that you are not complaining openly about her choice of clothes; only insisting she makes you happy by wearing certain clothes to please you, will in time moderate her choice of attires.

Most times, when you ignore someone, pretend that person doesn’t exist at all; issues like the person’s attitude, manners will cease to have the power to hurt. You notice she is rude and stubborn because you devote time to these issues. Adopt the attitude of walking away as well as total indifference to her when she gets into this mood. Overtime, she will learn to guard her tongue properly.

As long as she hasn’t gone back to her previous ways, rest her past life. Just as you have a past you are not too proud of, this is a side of her, you should overlook. Begin your assessment of her from the point you met her as it will be unfair to use her past to judge her.

Importantly, develop a real relationship with her through constant conversations. This way you would be building a culture of talking your problems over as well as keeping in touch with happenings in each other’s life.

Marriage isn’t a bed of roses; rather it is a thorny, bumpy and tortuous ride before it gets to the smooth part. Count yourself lucky to be experiencing all these at the kindergarten stage of your relationship and not atthe secondary or tertiary stages when it is most difficult to resolve.

What you are going through now is typical and if well managed by you especially; your marriage will end up being among the best. Learn to pray. God always listens. Divorce should never be the immediate option to any marital challenge. If you must consider it, consign it to the last option.

Good luck.