I charmed him but he now hates me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Early this year, I fell flat for one of the most handsome men I have seen in my life. Despite having a man in my life, I pursued him with the single-mindedness of a desperate woman. I even had to use the help of a spiritualist to get him to notice me out of the many women flocking round him. Eventually, he noticed and we began dating. I went back to the spiritualist to consolidate my hold on him through the help of a substance he said I should lace his favorite food with. It worked like magic as he became virtually my slave; I could order him the way I like. However, after few months I got tired of the quality of relationship; I wanted something more; a man who has initiative, who could think and do things on his own. When I went back to the spiritualist, he said there was nothing he could do to reverse the initial thing he did for me but that he would give me something that will water down the effect. To my pains, he began to manifest violent tendencies immediately I mixed the substance with his drinks. These days, he beats me at the slightest excuse and he has started dating other women. Now he is rebelling so much against everything we planned; so much so, the wedding plans we have put in place, he is resisting. The sad thing now is that I have become pregnant. Now he is telling anybody who cares to listen, that he isn’t interested in me anymore. The spiritualist is currently indisposed and I have nobody to help me put him under check. I am really desperate for your help. Our wedding is planned for the end of January next year. My father is already asking me questions about my state because he is a pastor. Everyday things are getting worse between my boyfriend and I. besides, I discovered he smokes and drinks. I don’t know what to do. He wants me out of his house before my pregnancy becomes noticeable but the man I brought home is different from this one that I have. I know you can help me. Severally I have had to lie about the injuries I sustain through his beatings. I am 26 years old. I don’t think he is being fair to me and his unborn child. Tolu. Dear Tolu, At 26 years of age, what was your hurry? What prompted you into going to a spiritualist to seek help in engaging the interest of a man and binding him to you? What was so special about this man that you couldn’t wait for reason to prevail? As the daughter of a pastor, what examples were you taught and given? From all you have said, this man is absolutely blameless. If there is anybody who is unfair here, it is you. You are the one that hasn’t been fair to this man or your former boyfriend. You wanted him against his will, turned him into something alien to his nature. Don’t forget that you are the one who used charms to chain him to you, and influence him into a relationship he may not have any memory of. Had he come to you with his clear mind, slept with you of his own volition and he turns round to abandon you, then you can accuse him of being unfair. But you planned everything, played god in the affairs of your life. Unfortunately, those who play god in affairs of men end up being the loser. You are in the thorns of embarrassment because you ran beyond your destiny; designed your own life, coloured it the way you thought it would work for you. It is unfortunate but you just must learn from this point to submit yourself to the ways of God so that you won’t end up in more emotional mess than you bargained for. One way to begin to do that is to accept the situation you have put yourself because it is too late in the day to do anything about it. You have made yourself this bed, so learn to lie on it with the most minimum fuse. In addition, you have to accept the reality of the matter; you are going to be a single parent. So brace up now and come clean with what you did so that your parents will know what to do and how to be of help to you. It is absurd that you went to the extent you got to in your bid to attract the attention of a man. If at 26, you have already started trading in charms to attract and sustain the interest of men, what would you do when you are older and not as attractive as you are now? That you are a daughter of a pastor makes the whole scenario very disturbing because you are supposed to be a beckon of hope to young ladies like you. I shudder to think what you would have done or how far you would have gone if your father wasn’t a pastor. Life is a stage; there is no jumping into the next stage without paying the dues of the stage one is first. Besides, we are each blessed with a quality that makes us unique. You ran after a man who has physical beauty to the exclusion of his other qualities. Confiding in your parents now would stop whatever actions your father might be contemplating taking to protect his name and image as a pastor. Clearly, you need help to manage this situation well. By telling your parents the whole truth, you would be giving them the chance to help you face the truth about yourself. From the tone of your letter, you are not even repentant; you are unaware of the issues to address; could it be you are pretending not to know where the mistake is coming from? Sincerely, you cannot move on from this point you have tied yourself if you don’t do the honest thing of facing the ugly side of you. You must unlock the potency of that force that propelled you into charming a man repeatedly. It isn’t healthy and the normal thing for any right thinking woman to do. Marriage isn’t a do or die affair. It takes two reasonable and happy minds to make this journey work. Without the active support and participation of one of the parties, there is no marriage. Even if you had succeeded in marrying this man, you would never have enjoyed it because right from the beginning he never participated in it. What were you thinking; charming a man to be yours? Did it ever occur to you that a relationship premised on charm would have to be sustained by it? How many charms do you think would last forever? You would have to keep going every month to a spiritualist to renew whatever you did to make him happy with you. Talking to your parents will help you meet the person inside of you. It will also help you come to a realistic assessment of all that have happened to you on one hand and your parents on the other hand. In addition it will also help your parents focus on the areas of their training that is defective and give your father the presence of mind to protect you the more from yourself. To overcome this ugly development, discontinue any contact with this man. I concur in your own way you love him but it just went a little bit askew. More than before, you must help yourself make very rational decisions else you would reduce yourself to some kind of emotional rubble, a luxury you cannot afford considering you have a baby to love, care and protect. By accepting the baby as compensation for all your efforts and evidence of the love you feel for the father would make it bearable for you to continue with your life. Also, life is about learning from our mistakes. The only way you can fully recover from this experience and turn it into your strength is to acknowledge all the areas you went wrong. By now, you should know that no spiritualist and charm can give you what God hasn’t given you. Unless God builds a house those who build it, do so in vain. Go back to that point you made a mistake and seek the face of God. He is the only help we all have. If it entails going to this man to beg him to forgive you, do so because in all ways, you offended him. The effects of the charms you used on him may be the things turning him into the violent person he has become. There is no telling the kinds of powers the spiritualist let loose on this innocent man. Only forgiveness from him can ever make you complete. Good luck.

I love my wife as well as my girlfriend

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please, I need your advice fast before I do something dangerous. I have been married for 10 years and life was good when I got married but, things got bad few years back when I lost my job. This led me to seek assistance from other women outside my marriage even though my wife has always provided me with all the support she can offer. She pays the school fees of the children, provides food since I don’t have regular income to care for our two children. Agatha, but the problem now is that another lady is pregnant for me who says abortion is not an option for her. My wife is not aware of this and my pregnant girl friend thinks I am single. I love my family and my girl friend too. So how do I break the news to my wife and also my girl friend without hurting both of them? Please help with your advice before it’s too late. Unemployed Husband. Dear Unemployed Husband, The only help is for you to tell yourself some plain truth about the mess you put yourself and family into. No responsible man speaks or acts the way you are speaking or acting. How do you feel lying to a woman about your marital status? How does it make you feel? What kind of example are you giving your children by telling lies? How would you be able to face your children and the woman you yourself said gave her best to make you happy despite losing your job? It is bad enough to engage in extra marital affairs but telling the lady in question that you aren’t married is the height of irresponsibility, insensitivity to the feelings of the other woman and disregard for the person of your wife. The young lady is ruling out abortion because she thinks you are single and available to marry her. she fell in love with the image of a single man not the married man and father that you are. The only help you can offer this lady is to tell her the truth before it is too late. Give her the chance to take a decision concerning that child she is carrying inside of her. You have denied her the chance of the truth before, don’t do it again especially as the life of an innocent child is going to be involved. If your wife can forgive you, she may not be that charitable especially as you are forcing her into a lifestyle she clearly didn’t bargain for when she decided to date you. Every woman deserves a say in how her life ends up. To deny her this is to further compound the problem you have created for yourself. Irrespective of how much the truth would hurt her, for once, learn how to tell the truth. It is her right to know that you are married and not available to marrying her. Whatever she decides on, ensure you don’t ignore the baby she is carrying. As for your wife, it is important you tell her the truth because this thing would eventually blow up especially if the lady in question refuses to abort the baby. In your interest, it is necessary she gets to hear it from you. Although your telling her would not lessen the pains of betrayal she would feel at the news, but you may not be able to minimise the damage to your marriage if she gets to hear it from someone or somewhere else. One thing you would achieve by telling her yourself is the opportunity to plead for forgiveness from her. Should she get to hear from a secondary source, you may never get the opportunity of doing that. But before you do that, it is important you evaluate your choices. There is no way you can convince your wife, who has given you all the support to forgive you when you waste precious time you would have invested on more meaningful things on women. Using your lack of job as an excuse to turn to the women in your life, is not tenable. How can having affairs with women help improve your financial standing or grant you a source of steady income? If your wife hadn’t been the struggling kind, would you even have a roof over your head or the presence of mind to approach a woman? You must be looking well for this other woman to believe you are single and getting pregnant for you. Had your wife been the harsh kind, there is no way your girlfriend won’t have found out that you were lying to her about not having a wife. The tension in your home would have made you told her something about your wife. Sincerely, you haven’ t been fair to this woman. It couldn’t have been easy for her to take on the responsibility of caring for the home alone. What you owe yourself at this point in time is to sit down and think of what is important to you at the end of it all. What can you count as your major achievement? What kind of satisfaction beyond sex are you getting from them? Do you think any of these women would be able to tolerate, endure with you the way your wife has done in the past few years? When you think of your wife, what kind of woman do you see? Whatever it is you are looking for from these women, think of all the sacrifices your wife has made for the marriage. Go back to your reason for marrying her. Granted that in the course of caring for you and the family, she may not exactly have time to look as good as all the other women you are dating but her appearance speaks volume of the kind of sacrifices and selflessness she is putting to ensure the home is comfortable for you and the children. If she wasn’t looking as good as you wanted, there are better ways to get her to listen, of getting her pay more attention to her looks. Having extra marital affairs has never been a solution to marital problems. Besides, any of these women getting pregnant for you, there is no telling the kind of diseases they have which you could easily transfer to your wife. Has it occurred to you that you could easily contract and transmit a terminal disease from any of these women to your wife? The fact that one of them is pregnant shows that you have been having unprotected sex. How would you explain a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to your wife? One thing is for a woman to have a stepchild she didn’t bargain for but, a different ball game to be infested with a disease from her husband’s numerous escapades. If this woman means anything to you, help protect her person and dignity from the embarassment of having to explain herself to a doctor or chemist. The damage you are doing to your marriage has far reaching implications. The chances of you ever tapping into her trust, loyalty, support, understanding and sacrifices are very slim. Having burnt this bridge, she may find it absolutely impossible to give you the same kind of support even when you have repented. You have really wronged your wife. You need to really beg her to forgive you if you hope for some peace in life. Whatever it takes you to restore peace and harmony in your home, do it. As a married man, your place is with your wife and children. Your numerous women aren’t investments at all; rather, they are liabilities you can do without. In addition, having them crowding your life wont allow you to focus, think of the many things you can do on your own while you search for a job. I am sure you have more value for your life than sleeping with women. As a man, you have needs, which your wife’s little resources or the extras you get from your women friend cannot provide. A time would come when you would no longer be able to work as hard as you can now or be as attractive to have around these women as you are now. If you are not concerned for the feelings of your wife and children, at least be for yourself. Help yourself gain whatever respect you have lost by your inability to bring together all the bits and pieces of your life. You owe yourself a dream. Good luck.