With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I’m an ardent reader of your column and I must say you have touched and saved lots of relationships through your work. I pray God bless you real good.
I have a girl I have been dating since high school. I’m 25 years of age while she is 22. Right from the beginning she has always nurtured this passion for wedding ceremonies. She practically attends all wedding ceremonies in her church because it makes her happy.
After high school, I left the country to study abroad. In fairness to her, she remained good and there for me. Our communication remained efficient. December 2009 was the first time of my coming back to Nigeria since I left.
Back in school she told me she was a virgin. Deep in me, I didn’t believe and anytime I tried making love to her, she would allow me touch her, but sex she won’t allow. I couldn’t force her, but when I returned to the country after two years of being away she allowed me. I was shocked to discover she was still a virgin. I’m in my final year now and hoping to further my studies. I know she misses me so much and I do too. I miss my family so much too.
By God’s grace, I should be through by next year and return home.
The problem now, in the few months, whenever we are talking on the phone, she would bring up the issue of marriage. At first, I told her I wish to have her as my wife but right now, there are things I need to achieve before settling down. I told her everything without holding back anything from her. I won’t be ready until about four or five years from now. She told me she wants to get married before she turns 25.
I know it’s the dream of everywoman to get married and start her own family, but she is making it appear as if husbands are on sales in the shop and that a woman simply walks in there to buy one when she desires to marry.
She doesn’t seem to appreciate that people need to date and plan for marriage and the days after.
There was a certain time she got upset over something I knew nothing about. I tried but she wouldn’t tell me the cause of her anger. I thought she was fed up of the relationship so I sent her an sms telling her that since she can’t tell me what her problems were and has decided to keep to herself, I was freeing her of all obligations to the relationship so she can try someone else.
I told her it would give her the opportunity of understanding herself better. She called immediately she got the message to declare her acceptance of my proposal.
After a month without calling each other, she called and we continued from where we stopped. After sometime, she told me her friend informed her, that I told my friend I have a girlfriend somewhere I intend to marry. To be honest, I never discussed such a thing with any friend of mine. I immediately knew she believed the story because friend mentioned is more like a brother to me who knows so much about me.
Agatha, she has started again with her marriage talk. I expressed my discomfort with it.
Recently she told me she would accept another man into her life if he is right for her.
She hurt by this and I asked her how she would feel if I am the one saying such a thing to her. She didn’t answer but apologised. In my opinion, it seems she is just keeping the relationship until she finds her so-called “right person”.
We have been talking, but I don’t want to be an obstacle to her since she sounds very desperate and I don’t want any pressure from her about getting married when I’m not ready for it.
I have been thinking and have decided to tell her to move on. I thought I could make up for her patience and support for the five years I was away but she is bent on me getting married at all cost. Her deadline isn’t just right for me.
I have talked to her and I do honestly love her very much just as I know she loves me. But her passion for marriage is threatening to tear the wonderful relationship we built for the past seven years. I really do need your help on how to handle this situation because it is tearing me apart.
Concerned Friend.
Dear Concerned Friend,
There is knot true love cannot untangle in a relationship. As long as both of you are ready to shift grounds, arrive at a workable compromise, there will always be a way out for both of you.
You are having all these tensions because none of you is willing to move an inch. Both of you are rigid in ensuring only your way is the right one.
Relationship doesn’t work out like that. If you are fair to her, she has been the one making all the sacrifices for the survival of this relationship. You must also make the effort to see things from her angle. She has never hidden her passion for weddings from you. If you knew you weren’t ready for immediate marriage, you should not have bothered sleeping with her. Doing so meant you were ready to marry as soon as possible. For her kind of person, it meant you were ready for the final step, which was why she held back when she felt you were not in a position to marry her at the time you first demanded for it.
From your own account, she waited for you while you were out of the country. Not many women would keep their virginity for a man they are not sure would come back to marry them. That she kept herself for you, even when you doubted her claim shows a woman properly brought up well and who has very deep feelings and respect for you.
That you meet her intact underscores her values as a woman. I am sure, while there you had one or two flings.
A lot must have gone into keeping her promises to you. Granted, her current attitude can be very frustrating and annoying, both of you need to go beyond you telling each other what you want, to what would work. She needs marriage urgently while you want it in five years time.
Your challenge is simple as long as you both have the maturity to overcome the stalemate you have both imported into your lives. And the earlier you faced this personality defects in your natures the better for the relationship.
From what is happening, you both have the same attitude to life, having things done your way. Despite being together for seven years, your relationship is still wrapped in egoism. No relationship survives if a couple is unable to make the essential sacrifice for the sake of the other person.
If there is a will, there is nothing stopping you from changing your plans a little to accommodate hers. Both of you can marry but not have children immediately to enable the other plans have proper roots. No plan is unalterable.
Frankly, this is a true test of your compartibility as a couple, your individual ability to go the extra mile for the other person to be happy. One thing is to be in love another challenge is to have the maturity and right attitude to make it work.
Situations like this will always come up from time to time in your relationship even after you get married. Unless you find the right key to unlock gridlocks like this, early in the life of a relationship, it often gets to a point when it becomes almost impossible for this kind of differences to be resolved. This is because selfish tendencies not addressed early in the life of a relationship soon become like a dreadful cancer eating at the life giving values of the union.
Even if both of you part, if you don’t individually work on this aspect of your natures, finding a person to live or accommodate either of you may not be easy. Relationship is about living your life in the body of another person, until both of you make the other person’s passion yours, nothing would work.
Try putting yourself in her shoes, in five years time how old would she be? What if you decide not to marry her or suddenly realises that you still have certain things to accomplish before marriage and want more time, what would have been her gains? Like women before her, is scared of the unknown; isn’t another woman wouldn’t get pregnant for you and you would have no choice but to marry her.
If she is anxious, she needs your assurances and one of the ways is to shift grounds a little bit for her.
Another mistake you are making is refusing to hear what her real fears are. Yes, you have been honest enough to tell her about your plans but what about encouraging her to share her real fears with you?
The missing link is trust. Insisting you have things done your way cannot earn her trust. Once you are able to earn her trust, a lot of the tension you feel now from her pressures will disappear.
Good luck.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Arranged marriage: My daughter won’t toe the line
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha, How do I persuade my daughter to marry the man her father wants her to marry? She wants to marry the man she has been dating since her first year at the university while her father wants her to marry the son of his best friend. She is 29 and as stubborn as her father. Even though I am forced by situation to support my husband on this, I want my daughter to be happy. Like my husband, I am of the view that it is in her interest she marries the son of a friend than a total stranger. Both of them grew up together as friends and this is why the two families feel they would make an ideal couple. She, on the other hand, says it is either we allow her marry her choice of a husband or she would remain single. We have been on this issue since last year and it is causing so much tension in my home. I am also getting irritated with my daughter over this issue. There is nothing I haven’t done or said to make her change her mind. Already the father is blaming me for her attitude. He says if I don’t convince her to marry this boy, my daughter and I should pack out of the house. I don’t know what to do again as both of them are very stubborn. Although the boy she wants to marry isn’t doing bad, but the issue is that the son of my husband’s friend is well established and very gentle. He is very capable of looking after our daughter besides the fact that their marriage will solidify the relationship we have built for several decades. What do I do to make my daughter listen to me? Mrs.
Ibe.
Dear Mrs. Ibe, As a woman, how would you feel if you were being forced against your will to spend the rest of your life with a man you feel nothing for? This has nothing to do with your daughter being stubborn but has a lot to do with what she feels and how she has planned her life. The fact that you and your husband are her parents does not give you both the right to govern her life. She is old enough to know what she wants from life. Our jobs as parents is to help point our in the right direction. Even God recognises our inherent right to our personnal decision, which is why He gave us the freewill to make choice. There is no greater teacher like experience. Even if you think her choice is all wrong for her, there is no way she can be convinced of this if you don’t allow her to make her mistake. I am sure, your present insight into whatever you think is wrong with her choice is borne out of experience. Without it, none of us would ever grow or acquire the kind of wisdom needed to make the world a better place. If there is one thing we cannot do for our children, no matter how much we love them, is to live with them in their marriages. There is no way you and your husband can abandon your own marriage to be with your daughter all the time just as you won’t sleep well in your bed if the only reports you get from her are woes and pains. Beyond this, there is also the danger of her going outside her home to be with the man she really loves and respects. How would you feel if your daughter is caught in adultery? You should know from experience that women seldom respect or make sacrifices for the men they don’t like, let alone love. Your marriage is still on because somewhere in your heart and memory you remember how your early days were, how you thought the world began and ended with your husband. These feelings never go away and are of tremendous help when disappointments and regrets come up in the journey of marriage. It is the power of these feelings that make the woman go extra mile, endure when the man misbehaves, understands with him when things are not working at all. A certain amount of feelings must be involved on your daughter’s part to enable her remember to give her man the kind of respect he deserves at all times. These are things you cannot force or decree her to feel. She has to learn to grow them on her own. Besides, there is nothing stopping her from deliberately working towards the failure of the marriage, if at the end of the day you succeed in getting her to marry this man her father has chosen for her. She could, to make a point, agree to marry him and make life very unbearable for him to punish you and your husband as well as earn her freedom to do what she wants with her life. More often than not, when children are forced into doing things they don’t want to do; make decisions they have nothing to do with, the parents are usually the ones that have the headaches at the end of the day. You are the mother and wife to both of them. Your best approach is not to take sides with either of them. Insist on fairness to prevent more headaches in the future. There is no way you will be able to rest in peace knowing that your daughter’s happiness was sold for sentimental values your husband feels about keeping a friendship that has nothing to do with your daughter. At the end of the day, what would be your gain if this friendship is preserved and your daughter unable to find the right kind of happiness every woman craves for in her marriage? How would you feel if she never forgives you for being party to her endless stories of marital woes? Do you realise that you are in danger of losing the respect, trust, and friendship mothers look forward to when their daughters grow up and have families of their own? How would you feel if you have to beg her to bring your grandchildren when ordinarily you should be the one they tilt towards to and want to be with? No matter how difficult your husband is, having lived with him all these years, you must have the antidote to soften him. It is time for his sake as well as yours to make him see reason. Let him know, no relationship is worth his daughter’s happiness; that if the relationship is strong, founded on the right values, it doesn’t need the sacrifice of the happiness of these two innocent children to survive. In trying to make your husband realise the implication of his demands, ask him, how would he feel if his daughter ends up being miserable in her marriage? If she is unable to forgive him or give him the kind of respect, he deserves from her as the father? Explain to him the possibility of her having extramarital affairs. He may not understand that women too have feelings but hearing it from you that love is what makes a woman remain faithful to her man may make him have second thoughts on this issue. If he fails to listen to you, make it clear to him that you are not going to be party to his plans to mortgage the happiness of your daughter. He may be stubborn about it because he knows you are on his side. Once he knows he no longer has your full support, he would think twice because inspite of his display of stubborness he knows he cannot cope with the implication of his actions when it comes full circle. Don’t relent in being the go between father and daughter. Use whatever you have as a woman and his wife to go insure your daughter’s happiness. As a mother, you should never be too tired of ensuring that your children are happy no matter their age and position. If you have to go on your knees on behalf of your daughter, do so. What should be of major concern to you is her happiness at the end of the day. Thereafter, arrange for your daughter to bring the man home to meet with your husband. Ensure you prepare your daughter and the man, give him tips on the kind of things to say, do or gifts to soften his mind. Back up your efforts with prayers. It is important for the unity of your home as nobody goes to bed with fire on the roof. Good luck.
Dear Agatha, How do I persuade my daughter to marry the man her father wants her to marry? She wants to marry the man she has been dating since her first year at the university while her father wants her to marry the son of his best friend. She is 29 and as stubborn as her father. Even though I am forced by situation to support my husband on this, I want my daughter to be happy. Like my husband, I am of the view that it is in her interest she marries the son of a friend than a total stranger. Both of them grew up together as friends and this is why the two families feel they would make an ideal couple. She, on the other hand, says it is either we allow her marry her choice of a husband or she would remain single. We have been on this issue since last year and it is causing so much tension in my home. I am also getting irritated with my daughter over this issue. There is nothing I haven’t done or said to make her change her mind. Already the father is blaming me for her attitude. He says if I don’t convince her to marry this boy, my daughter and I should pack out of the house. I don’t know what to do again as both of them are very stubborn. Although the boy she wants to marry isn’t doing bad, but the issue is that the son of my husband’s friend is well established and very gentle. He is very capable of looking after our daughter besides the fact that their marriage will solidify the relationship we have built for several decades. What do I do to make my daughter listen to me? Mrs.
Ibe.
Dear Mrs. Ibe, As a woman, how would you feel if you were being forced against your will to spend the rest of your life with a man you feel nothing for? This has nothing to do with your daughter being stubborn but has a lot to do with what she feels and how she has planned her life. The fact that you and your husband are her parents does not give you both the right to govern her life. She is old enough to know what she wants from life. Our jobs as parents is to help point our in the right direction. Even God recognises our inherent right to our personnal decision, which is why He gave us the freewill to make choice. There is no greater teacher like experience. Even if you think her choice is all wrong for her, there is no way she can be convinced of this if you don’t allow her to make her mistake. I am sure, your present insight into whatever you think is wrong with her choice is borne out of experience. Without it, none of us would ever grow or acquire the kind of wisdom needed to make the world a better place. If there is one thing we cannot do for our children, no matter how much we love them, is to live with them in their marriages. There is no way you and your husband can abandon your own marriage to be with your daughter all the time just as you won’t sleep well in your bed if the only reports you get from her are woes and pains. Beyond this, there is also the danger of her going outside her home to be with the man she really loves and respects. How would you feel if your daughter is caught in adultery? You should know from experience that women seldom respect or make sacrifices for the men they don’t like, let alone love. Your marriage is still on because somewhere in your heart and memory you remember how your early days were, how you thought the world began and ended with your husband. These feelings never go away and are of tremendous help when disappointments and regrets come up in the journey of marriage. It is the power of these feelings that make the woman go extra mile, endure when the man misbehaves, understands with him when things are not working at all. A certain amount of feelings must be involved on your daughter’s part to enable her remember to give her man the kind of respect he deserves at all times. These are things you cannot force or decree her to feel. She has to learn to grow them on her own. Besides, there is nothing stopping her from deliberately working towards the failure of the marriage, if at the end of the day you succeed in getting her to marry this man her father has chosen for her. She could, to make a point, agree to marry him and make life very unbearable for him to punish you and your husband as well as earn her freedom to do what she wants with her life. More often than not, when children are forced into doing things they don’t want to do; make decisions they have nothing to do with, the parents are usually the ones that have the headaches at the end of the day. You are the mother and wife to both of them. Your best approach is not to take sides with either of them. Insist on fairness to prevent more headaches in the future. There is no way you will be able to rest in peace knowing that your daughter’s happiness was sold for sentimental values your husband feels about keeping a friendship that has nothing to do with your daughter. At the end of the day, what would be your gain if this friendship is preserved and your daughter unable to find the right kind of happiness every woman craves for in her marriage? How would you feel if she never forgives you for being party to her endless stories of marital woes? Do you realise that you are in danger of losing the respect, trust, and friendship mothers look forward to when their daughters grow up and have families of their own? How would you feel if you have to beg her to bring your grandchildren when ordinarily you should be the one they tilt towards to and want to be with? No matter how difficult your husband is, having lived with him all these years, you must have the antidote to soften him. It is time for his sake as well as yours to make him see reason. Let him know, no relationship is worth his daughter’s happiness; that if the relationship is strong, founded on the right values, it doesn’t need the sacrifice of the happiness of these two innocent children to survive. In trying to make your husband realise the implication of his demands, ask him, how would he feel if his daughter ends up being miserable in her marriage? If she is unable to forgive him or give him the kind of respect, he deserves from her as the father? Explain to him the possibility of her having extramarital affairs. He may not understand that women too have feelings but hearing it from you that love is what makes a woman remain faithful to her man may make him have second thoughts on this issue. If he fails to listen to you, make it clear to him that you are not going to be party to his plans to mortgage the happiness of your daughter. He may be stubborn about it because he knows you are on his side. Once he knows he no longer has your full support, he would think twice because inspite of his display of stubborness he knows he cannot cope with the implication of his actions when it comes full circle. Don’t relent in being the go between father and daughter. Use whatever you have as a woman and his wife to go insure your daughter’s happiness. As a mother, you should never be too tired of ensuring that your children are happy no matter their age and position. If you have to go on your knees on behalf of your daughter, do so. What should be of major concern to you is her happiness at the end of the day. Thereafter, arrange for your daughter to bring the man home to meet with your husband. Ensure you prepare your daughter and the man, give him tips on the kind of things to say, do or gifts to soften his mind. Back up your efforts with prayers. It is important for the unity of your home as nobody goes to bed with fire on the roof. Good luck.
He doesn’t want me again…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Four years ago, I wrote to you about the problem I was going through in my marriage. I shared with you how my husband got our maid pregnant and how he blamed the act on my not always being around.
In your reply to my mail, you equally blamed me for the incident in my home. Your reply really got me very angry. I thought, as a woman too, you should support me like most of my friends were doing at that time. My mother too didn’t support me then. She, like you, also said I pushed my husband into the arms of our maid.
I was very angry with her too and refused to listen to what both of you said about my not quitting my home for the housemaid.
Since I had more than enough money of my own, I packed out of the house with my children. My two eldest children, who were in boarding school, refused to move with me, so I left with the younger ones.
Initially, I enjoyed the freedom to go and come, as I liked. I could stay in the office for as long as I wanted. It was very easy for me since I decided to send the children to boarding school too. My experience with my housemaid prompted my decision to put them in boarding school so I won’t have any need to employ someone to help me with them.
During this time, my husband and his entire family came to beg me to come back. There was nothing they didn’t do to make me change my mind. My mother and her sisters too came to beg me. My mother even volunteered to take care of the child herself. I refused.
Even when she gave birth, the lady came to beg me to please come back home to my husband; that she didn’t want anything to do with my home. Her parents too came to beg but I drove all of them away.
My friends kept urging me not to go back. Two of these friends were divorcees, while three were single mothers. We had enough time to go out for two years my husband kept on begging me. My children too wanted me back but I told them it was over between their father and I. He stopped coming to my house when he met a man I was dating in the house.
A month after that incident, I filed for a divorce. My husband didn’t bother to contest it. I was free to marry my lover as he has expressed a desire for it.
Unfortunately, the moment I became free to remarry, I noticed he didn’t want me anymore. He kept coming up with one excuse or the other anytime I expressed the need for us to move on.
It was not until one day when a woman came to my office to fight me for keeping her man away from her, that I realised he lied about being divorced.
In the last one year, I have discovered that I really want to go back to my husband having discovered what you said then in your advice to me that all men are the same and that I should stay put in my home.
All the things you said back then about being patient, creating time for my family and taking the child over as my own and doing everything to win back my husband are all coming back to me. Last month, I went to his office to see me. At least he was civil enough to let me in but from the looks on his face, I knew my mission to beg him to take me back was doomed.
Nobody in my family or his is ready to go with me to beg. His best friend declined to go with me reminding me of how I drove them all away when they came.
From my children, I know there is nobody in his life and that my former housemaid hasn’t come back to the house since I left. More investigations reveal that the girl is back in the village with her child. My husband only sends money for their upkeep.
I now realise that my friends actually misled me and all I want is to go back to my husband. I have since forgiven him.
Agatha, help me. He is a great fan of yours.
Abbey.
Dear Abbey,
There is an adage that says, the mess you refuse to clean up in the beginning soon becomes so huge and too messy for one person to handle. It is unfortunately that you allowed an issue you should have long buried to tarry to this moment. You frittered the rare opportunity you had of becoming the heroine in the eyes of your husband, his family and friends.
Honestly, not everyman would do what he did, come to beg even when it was your carelessness that gave birth to the situation in the first place. Another man would have called your bluff the moment the other woman’s pregnancy became public knowledge. He would insist on marrying her whether you liked the idea or not.
If everybody were misleading you, would your mother also have misled you? She, more than anyone else, had reasons to ask you to pack up the marriage but she didn’t because she knows from experience that the pains of disppointment lessens as each day goes bye.
She also knew that there is no marriage without its set of challenges and disappointments. That was why you should have applied patience and wisdom in your handling of the issue.
Frankly, if your husband refuses to take you back, nobody would blame him. He did everything he should have done to bring you back home. It couldn’t have been easy for him getting his family and yours to come and beg on his behalf. It showed a man who knew he had wronged you.
The divorce and meeting the other man in your place while he was still begging you to come back to him are now the twin problems that could make your bid to come back difficult.
Besides, would you have considered coming back to him if everything had gone well between you and the other man? Before going back to plead with your husband, you must find answer to this question. Like you have information about him, he too may know what transpired between you and your lover. And would rightly wonder if you are coming back because you have realised your mistake or because you were left high and dry by the other man.
He isn’t the only one you would be explaining this to. You must tell everybody you hope to enlist in your bid to come back to your home the truth.
Beyond the issue of enlisting people to plead on your behalf, you must take certain steps on your own to convince him that you are indeed sorry for your behaviour.
It is also important you understand that you are no longer his wife. You are now just the mother of his children like the other lady is. Granted you were once married to him, the divorce you got has neutralised whatever rights you think you had over him.
Therefore, if he decides to walk you away from his home, don’t insist on anything or try to claim a right you no longer have. Simply walk away, but keep pleading with him through text messages.
Another thing you should do as a matter of urgency is to find your former maid and her child. Make your peace with them and if you have the time, encourage her to bring the child to you while your children are on holidays. Even if your husband refuses to listen ensure you are involved in the life of that child. Send monthly allowances to them as a token for their upkeep and if there is anything you can to make them more comfortable please do it. The village can’t really be a good alternative for her.
Besides, the reason she came to work for you is to enhance her life as well as that of her family. Seeing her in the village with your stepchild will never make her family happy. If you bring her back to help her give more meaning to her life, you will not only be saving your children from future stress of bad blood that would arise from this kind of arrangment but ensuring this whole episode is finally put behind you.
No matter how hardhearted your husband is about you, once he sees your attempt to undo all the wrongs of the past, overtime he would warm up to the idea of hearing from you.
The fact that he refused to bring her home or any other woman for that matter shows that his feelings for you are really deep. Not many men would still be single for years after especially as you both divorced.
Beg your children to plead on your behalf, especially the eldest ones that stayed back with him. They cannot be happy seeing both of you living apart. Children have greater influence on their fathers than mothers.
I am sure if you dig deep into your knowledge of him, you will remember something he adores absolutely about you. Something he cannot resist that makes him go soft even when he is angry. This is the time you need that weapon to get him to at least grant you an audience.
Above all, go to God in prayers. Plead for His assistance in this matter. We are all prodigals before God. He has the powers to soften the heart of your husband. Ensure you begin your attempt with Him in it.
In addition to making your peace with God, go around your in-laws and family members to make peace with them. It is important your mother and mother-in-law forgive you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Four years ago, I wrote to you about the problem I was going through in my marriage. I shared with you how my husband got our maid pregnant and how he blamed the act on my not always being around.
In your reply to my mail, you equally blamed me for the incident in my home. Your reply really got me very angry. I thought, as a woman too, you should support me like most of my friends were doing at that time. My mother too didn’t support me then. She, like you, also said I pushed my husband into the arms of our maid.
I was very angry with her too and refused to listen to what both of you said about my not quitting my home for the housemaid.
Since I had more than enough money of my own, I packed out of the house with my children. My two eldest children, who were in boarding school, refused to move with me, so I left with the younger ones.
Initially, I enjoyed the freedom to go and come, as I liked. I could stay in the office for as long as I wanted. It was very easy for me since I decided to send the children to boarding school too. My experience with my housemaid prompted my decision to put them in boarding school so I won’t have any need to employ someone to help me with them.
During this time, my husband and his entire family came to beg me to come back. There was nothing they didn’t do to make me change my mind. My mother and her sisters too came to beg me. My mother even volunteered to take care of the child herself. I refused.
Even when she gave birth, the lady came to beg me to please come back home to my husband; that she didn’t want anything to do with my home. Her parents too came to beg but I drove all of them away.
My friends kept urging me not to go back. Two of these friends were divorcees, while three were single mothers. We had enough time to go out for two years my husband kept on begging me. My children too wanted me back but I told them it was over between their father and I. He stopped coming to my house when he met a man I was dating in the house.
A month after that incident, I filed for a divorce. My husband didn’t bother to contest it. I was free to marry my lover as he has expressed a desire for it.
Unfortunately, the moment I became free to remarry, I noticed he didn’t want me anymore. He kept coming up with one excuse or the other anytime I expressed the need for us to move on.
It was not until one day when a woman came to my office to fight me for keeping her man away from her, that I realised he lied about being divorced.
In the last one year, I have discovered that I really want to go back to my husband having discovered what you said then in your advice to me that all men are the same and that I should stay put in my home.
All the things you said back then about being patient, creating time for my family and taking the child over as my own and doing everything to win back my husband are all coming back to me. Last month, I went to his office to see me. At least he was civil enough to let me in but from the looks on his face, I knew my mission to beg him to take me back was doomed.
Nobody in my family or his is ready to go with me to beg. His best friend declined to go with me reminding me of how I drove them all away when they came.
From my children, I know there is nobody in his life and that my former housemaid hasn’t come back to the house since I left. More investigations reveal that the girl is back in the village with her child. My husband only sends money for their upkeep.
I now realise that my friends actually misled me and all I want is to go back to my husband. I have since forgiven him.
Agatha, help me. He is a great fan of yours.
Abbey.
Dear Abbey,
There is an adage that says, the mess you refuse to clean up in the beginning soon becomes so huge and too messy for one person to handle. It is unfortunately that you allowed an issue you should have long buried to tarry to this moment. You frittered the rare opportunity you had of becoming the heroine in the eyes of your husband, his family and friends.
Honestly, not everyman would do what he did, come to beg even when it was your carelessness that gave birth to the situation in the first place. Another man would have called your bluff the moment the other woman’s pregnancy became public knowledge. He would insist on marrying her whether you liked the idea or not.
If everybody were misleading you, would your mother also have misled you? She, more than anyone else, had reasons to ask you to pack up the marriage but she didn’t because she knows from experience that the pains of disppointment lessens as each day goes bye.
She also knew that there is no marriage without its set of challenges and disappointments. That was why you should have applied patience and wisdom in your handling of the issue.
Frankly, if your husband refuses to take you back, nobody would blame him. He did everything he should have done to bring you back home. It couldn’t have been easy for him getting his family and yours to come and beg on his behalf. It showed a man who knew he had wronged you.
The divorce and meeting the other man in your place while he was still begging you to come back to him are now the twin problems that could make your bid to come back difficult.
Besides, would you have considered coming back to him if everything had gone well between you and the other man? Before going back to plead with your husband, you must find answer to this question. Like you have information about him, he too may know what transpired between you and your lover. And would rightly wonder if you are coming back because you have realised your mistake or because you were left high and dry by the other man.
He isn’t the only one you would be explaining this to. You must tell everybody you hope to enlist in your bid to come back to your home the truth.
Beyond the issue of enlisting people to plead on your behalf, you must take certain steps on your own to convince him that you are indeed sorry for your behaviour.
It is also important you understand that you are no longer his wife. You are now just the mother of his children like the other lady is. Granted you were once married to him, the divorce you got has neutralised whatever rights you think you had over him.
Therefore, if he decides to walk you away from his home, don’t insist on anything or try to claim a right you no longer have. Simply walk away, but keep pleading with him through text messages.
Another thing you should do as a matter of urgency is to find your former maid and her child. Make your peace with them and if you have the time, encourage her to bring the child to you while your children are on holidays. Even if your husband refuses to listen ensure you are involved in the life of that child. Send monthly allowances to them as a token for their upkeep and if there is anything you can to make them more comfortable please do it. The village can’t really be a good alternative for her.
Besides, the reason she came to work for you is to enhance her life as well as that of her family. Seeing her in the village with your stepchild will never make her family happy. If you bring her back to help her give more meaning to her life, you will not only be saving your children from future stress of bad blood that would arise from this kind of arrangment but ensuring this whole episode is finally put behind you.
No matter how hardhearted your husband is about you, once he sees your attempt to undo all the wrongs of the past, overtime he would warm up to the idea of hearing from you.
The fact that he refused to bring her home or any other woman for that matter shows that his feelings for you are really deep. Not many men would still be single for years after especially as you both divorced.
Beg your children to plead on your behalf, especially the eldest ones that stayed back with him. They cannot be happy seeing both of you living apart. Children have greater influence on their fathers than mothers.
I am sure if you dig deep into your knowledge of him, you will remember something he adores absolutely about you. Something he cannot resist that makes him go soft even when he is angry. This is the time you need that weapon to get him to at least grant you an audience.
Above all, go to God in prayers. Plead for His assistance in this matter. We are all prodigals before God. He has the powers to soften the heart of your husband. Ensure you begin your attempt with Him in it.
In addition to making your peace with God, go around your in-laws and family members to make peace with them. It is important your mother and mother-in-law forgive you.
Good luck.
My husband is sexually inactive
With Agatha Edo Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626
Dear Agatha, I am really ashamed to say this but if I don’t get urgent help, I may not be able to sustain my marriage beyond this point. I really don’t care what your readers would say about what I am about to share with you but I am sure a lot of women in my shoes who want to be honest would understand this particular issue. I have been married for five years and my marriage is blessed with two children. I have always been a serious Christian; never attempted anything until I got married. I wanted to be a good and honourable wife to my husband. I didn’t listen to the opinion of a lot of my friends who asked this question that I am now asking myself: ‘what happens if the man you are preserving yourself for ends up incompetent in bed? What if he is unable to make you happy as a woman?’ Would you leave him or endure the marriage simply because you want to do the right thing? Back then, I thought my friends were trying to bend my ways to follow their lifestyle. But, observing all of them today, happy with their husbands, having the best of what marriage offers, I cannot but ask myself this important question, ‘why am I, who held on till my wedding night, who wanted to do the right thing, having problems in my marriage?’ Even though I was naïve back then, when it came to actual experience, I was broadminded enough to accommodate everybody, knowing we were all built differently. When my husband approached me for a relationship, being the most handsome in school then, I was happy. Overnight, I became something of a celebrity among the many ladies who wanted him but I noticed this particular group of girls who made what my friends and I thought were jealous moves. One of them tried warning me to be careful; to look deeper before committing myself to marrying my husband. I dismissed her. Being from a very rich family, money wasn’t his problem. We got married immediately I finished my national youth service. Being inexperienced, our first night together was a total disaster. It didn’t bother me though because I thought it was meant to be like that. Besides, I didn’t notice the size of his manhood or thought it was abnormally tiny. There was nothing in that experience with him. But over the months, I knew something wasn’t right about our love life. He was always so clumsy. We didn’t get past the stage we started with on our wedding night. I was beginning to get worried when I discovered I was pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy, he didn’t bother to come near me even when I told him what the doctor recommended about frequent intimacy. Being pregnant with twins, I was told it would aid easy delivery during labour. My body was beginning to demand for intimacy and I told him so. When my pressures became too much for him, he abandoned our bedroom. On the few occasions he has agreed to sleep with me, the results were not different from our first time together. I have honestly tried everything, including your advice to others on this same issue but my husband isn’t helping matters. He is resolute in his own way and is refusing all the help I am willing to offer him on this issue. Now, he says I married him because of his father’s money; drinks and refuses to come home early. Severally, I have been tempted into having an affair but I know I just can’t. With the help of my friend, I got introduced to a vibrator. It has helped me to maintain sanity in my life and prevented me from doing what I shouldn’t do. One night, he came into my bedroom and found the vibrator, since then, he has not stopped calling me names. He says as a good wife, I should be satisfied with the package I have. I have really tried to keep my sanity in the last five years. I told my parents about the problems I was having in my marriage. They are of the view that if I can’t cope with the situation again, I should file for a divorce instead of having any affair outside my matrimonial home. Our pastor on the other hand says marriage is a lifetime commitment. My husband’s father, who is like a father to me, has tried to convince his son to seek medical help. He even offered to pay for plastic surgery to help enhance his manhood but nothing anybody says makes sense to him. As far as he is concerned, his twins are enough fulfillment. I am really fed up of the whole thing. I am in urgent need of your help in this matter.
Helen.
Dear Helen, I honestly sympathise with you but a lot of things went wrong before you both got married. Whatever issue you are currently having has to do with your inability to establish friendship with him before you agreed to marry him. You were carried away by your luck at having such a handsome man, the toast of women, come for your hand in marriage. More often than not, women end up having problems in their marriages for failing to go that extra mile when courting. A woman doesn’t have to be experienced to know those little things to look out for in a man she intends spending the rest of her life with. At the time you were dating, you must have noticed some of these flaws in his character. He didn’t just develop them; he must have displayed some of his selfish and arrogant disposition back then. If you are truthful, you both were never friends, the kind that shared thoughts, dreams, exchanged jokes or laughed with or at each other. This kind of challenge you have in your marriage can only be managed by two people who are friends, understand the need of the other person and by a man who is willing to submit to the helpful suggestions of his wife. That he has a small manhood isn’t the issue here at all rather, the real challenge you are facing has to do with your man’s attitude. Even if he agrees to plastic surgery aimed at helping him get some inches added, if both of you are unable to establish true friendship, things will continue to degenerate between the two of you. Granted, quality sex is a key to being happy in marriage but it is only part of the whole picture of a fulfilling marriage. This is because you cannot spend all your time together making love. After lovemaking, life must continue. The time has come to sit your husband down for a real talk. Hear him out. Listen to his grudges against you. He may really feel he isn’t getting the kind of sympathy he expects from his wife. A man that has his kind of challenge needs a wife who understands because it is both an ego and psychological problem. Telling him everyday he isn’t satisfying you is enough to make him become rude, violent and irresponsible. He is reacting the only way he knows how due to the fear of losing you and exposing himself to the ridicule of everybody. Your parents ought to have told you that each marriage comes with its own baggage. His attitude is an appeal for help from the woman he married. Rather than nag him, gently get him to open up; especially his worst nightmare. Ask how you can be of help to him; the options he has considered before meeting you as well as the ones you think can help the situation. Let him realise that you are not as bothered about the size of his manhood as much as his attitude towards you and your feelings. Let him know you really care about him more than he knows. You must really show him that you care deeply for his well-being and about his happiness. The fact that you got pregnant and have a set of twins to show for it, shows that he is fertile. It is just a matter of both of you giving your imagination freedom to blossom. No matter the size of a man’s organ, the success or otherwise of lovemaking is more often premised on the kind of imagination a couple has. Divorce shouldn’t be your first option because there is no telling what challenges you would meet in another relationship. Learn to be patient, be more understanding and supportive of him; this is what marriage is all about. Challenges are compulsory part of marriage. They are designed to take a couple to the next level. Your vibrator isn’t a solution but a major distraction to the real steps you should take in getting lasting solution to your problem. By the time you change tactics, become more of his friend, who isn’t condemning, who has the real desire to help and has the maturity to take whatever comes out of it; he would change. Also you need to pray for help to change those things you don’t like about him as well as yourself.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha, I am really ashamed to say this but if I don’t get urgent help, I may not be able to sustain my marriage beyond this point. I really don’t care what your readers would say about what I am about to share with you but I am sure a lot of women in my shoes who want to be honest would understand this particular issue. I have been married for five years and my marriage is blessed with two children. I have always been a serious Christian; never attempted anything until I got married. I wanted to be a good and honourable wife to my husband. I didn’t listen to the opinion of a lot of my friends who asked this question that I am now asking myself: ‘what happens if the man you are preserving yourself for ends up incompetent in bed? What if he is unable to make you happy as a woman?’ Would you leave him or endure the marriage simply because you want to do the right thing? Back then, I thought my friends were trying to bend my ways to follow their lifestyle. But, observing all of them today, happy with their husbands, having the best of what marriage offers, I cannot but ask myself this important question, ‘why am I, who held on till my wedding night, who wanted to do the right thing, having problems in my marriage?’ Even though I was naïve back then, when it came to actual experience, I was broadminded enough to accommodate everybody, knowing we were all built differently. When my husband approached me for a relationship, being the most handsome in school then, I was happy. Overnight, I became something of a celebrity among the many ladies who wanted him but I noticed this particular group of girls who made what my friends and I thought were jealous moves. One of them tried warning me to be careful; to look deeper before committing myself to marrying my husband. I dismissed her. Being from a very rich family, money wasn’t his problem. We got married immediately I finished my national youth service. Being inexperienced, our first night together was a total disaster. It didn’t bother me though because I thought it was meant to be like that. Besides, I didn’t notice the size of his manhood or thought it was abnormally tiny. There was nothing in that experience with him. But over the months, I knew something wasn’t right about our love life. He was always so clumsy. We didn’t get past the stage we started with on our wedding night. I was beginning to get worried when I discovered I was pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy, he didn’t bother to come near me even when I told him what the doctor recommended about frequent intimacy. Being pregnant with twins, I was told it would aid easy delivery during labour. My body was beginning to demand for intimacy and I told him so. When my pressures became too much for him, he abandoned our bedroom. On the few occasions he has agreed to sleep with me, the results were not different from our first time together. I have honestly tried everything, including your advice to others on this same issue but my husband isn’t helping matters. He is resolute in his own way and is refusing all the help I am willing to offer him on this issue. Now, he says I married him because of his father’s money; drinks and refuses to come home early. Severally, I have been tempted into having an affair but I know I just can’t. With the help of my friend, I got introduced to a vibrator. It has helped me to maintain sanity in my life and prevented me from doing what I shouldn’t do. One night, he came into my bedroom and found the vibrator, since then, he has not stopped calling me names. He says as a good wife, I should be satisfied with the package I have. I have really tried to keep my sanity in the last five years. I told my parents about the problems I was having in my marriage. They are of the view that if I can’t cope with the situation again, I should file for a divorce instead of having any affair outside my matrimonial home. Our pastor on the other hand says marriage is a lifetime commitment. My husband’s father, who is like a father to me, has tried to convince his son to seek medical help. He even offered to pay for plastic surgery to help enhance his manhood but nothing anybody says makes sense to him. As far as he is concerned, his twins are enough fulfillment. I am really fed up of the whole thing. I am in urgent need of your help in this matter.
Helen.
Dear Helen, I honestly sympathise with you but a lot of things went wrong before you both got married. Whatever issue you are currently having has to do with your inability to establish friendship with him before you agreed to marry him. You were carried away by your luck at having such a handsome man, the toast of women, come for your hand in marriage. More often than not, women end up having problems in their marriages for failing to go that extra mile when courting. A woman doesn’t have to be experienced to know those little things to look out for in a man she intends spending the rest of her life with. At the time you were dating, you must have noticed some of these flaws in his character. He didn’t just develop them; he must have displayed some of his selfish and arrogant disposition back then. If you are truthful, you both were never friends, the kind that shared thoughts, dreams, exchanged jokes or laughed with or at each other. This kind of challenge you have in your marriage can only be managed by two people who are friends, understand the need of the other person and by a man who is willing to submit to the helpful suggestions of his wife. That he has a small manhood isn’t the issue here at all rather, the real challenge you are facing has to do with your man’s attitude. Even if he agrees to plastic surgery aimed at helping him get some inches added, if both of you are unable to establish true friendship, things will continue to degenerate between the two of you. Granted, quality sex is a key to being happy in marriage but it is only part of the whole picture of a fulfilling marriage. This is because you cannot spend all your time together making love. After lovemaking, life must continue. The time has come to sit your husband down for a real talk. Hear him out. Listen to his grudges against you. He may really feel he isn’t getting the kind of sympathy he expects from his wife. A man that has his kind of challenge needs a wife who understands because it is both an ego and psychological problem. Telling him everyday he isn’t satisfying you is enough to make him become rude, violent and irresponsible. He is reacting the only way he knows how due to the fear of losing you and exposing himself to the ridicule of everybody. Your parents ought to have told you that each marriage comes with its own baggage. His attitude is an appeal for help from the woman he married. Rather than nag him, gently get him to open up; especially his worst nightmare. Ask how you can be of help to him; the options he has considered before meeting you as well as the ones you think can help the situation. Let him realise that you are not as bothered about the size of his manhood as much as his attitude towards you and your feelings. Let him know you really care about him more than he knows. You must really show him that you care deeply for his well-being and about his happiness. The fact that you got pregnant and have a set of twins to show for it, shows that he is fertile. It is just a matter of both of you giving your imagination freedom to blossom. No matter the size of a man’s organ, the success or otherwise of lovemaking is more often premised on the kind of imagination a couple has. Divorce shouldn’t be your first option because there is no telling what challenges you would meet in another relationship. Learn to be patient, be more understanding and supportive of him; this is what marriage is all about. Challenges are compulsory part of marriage. They are designed to take a couple to the next level. Your vibrator isn’t a solution but a major distraction to the real steps you should take in getting lasting solution to your problem. By the time you change tactics, become more of his friend, who isn’t condemning, who has the real desire to help and has the maturity to take whatever comes out of it; he would change. Also you need to pray for help to change those things you don’t like about him as well as yourself.
Good luck.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Before she marries a married man
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been urging my first daughter to bring a man home to marry. She is almost 38. Although the most beautiful of my three daughters, she appears to be the one having the most difficulties in sustaining any relationship. Men come and go. I haven’t seen a man who has stayed with her for more than six months at most. Her two younger sisters are married and have children of their own. Severally, I have heard her crying in her room but there is nothing I can do to help her beyond praying for her. Two years ago, her father tried matchmaking her with the son of his best friend who also is unmarried at 42. We thought it would work between the two of them but were warned in the church not to allow them continue with the relationship. Our pastor said, the boy in question has a very short lifespan and our daughter would become widowed within a month after their marriage. They had no choice but to go their different ways. The man got married to another lady early this year and nothing has happened to him. My daughter feels very bad about it. She thinks the pastor lied about the prophecy to make way for the daughter of his relation who the boy eventually got married to. Now she is dating a man who already has two wives and from all indices has made up her mind to marry him whether we are in support of her decision or not. The father and I have done everything to make her see reasons but nothing we say appears to be having the right kind of effect on her anymore. How do I convince her not to marry this man who in addition to having two wives is almost of the same age with my husband. A friend of mine told me to go and appeal to the man to leave my daughter alone. I am actually considering going as soon as I hear from you. Please help me.
Madam Alice.
Dear Madam Alice,
Frankly, in her current state of mind, there is nothing you say or do now that can make her change her mind. It would take the grace of God to stop her from continuing with her decision to marry this man. At 38 and with her younger sisters all married, she feels time is not on her side. The only man that was sufficiently interested in her and who would have married her was driven away by the prophecy of a pastor. In her shoes, how would you feel especially as no man has ever been around her for more than six months at a go? This isn’t time for you or her father to insist on her not marrying the man she has made up her mind to marry. Instead, adopt diplomacy in this matter. You need to understand her pains as well as disappointments. You, as a woman, must appreciate that until this moment she had done everything you wanted and how her obedience to your wish as pronounced by the pastor has affected her. She cannot be happy seeing the man who wanted to marry her in the arms of another woman; the man she was told would die within a month of their marriage. It would have been a different matter if the man had truly died according to the sayings of the pastor but that he has been married for sometime now and is still alive has really complicated things for you. You must understand that she is very bitter and has lost hope in everything you, her father and the church represent. Having done everything your way until now, she feels it is time she does things her way. Even if you are not comfortable with her decision, learn to take each day as it comes. Being her mother, you know her better than anybody. It is this knowledge you must rely on to make her listen to you. But before you even try attempting to terminate her current relationship, what alternative do you have for her? It isn’t just enough asking her to drop this man; you must be prepared to provide her with options. For instance, you could split them by asking your daughter to change location. Sending her abroad to start life afresh is one sacrifice you and your husband can consider. It would help you achieve your desire of stopping her from making the mistake of marrying a man who already has two wives as well as create a new environment for her to meet new people. It would also remove her from immediate scene of seeing this her ex-boyfriend and his wife. This way, she would heal faster than if she remained in Nigeria. In addition, you would still be able to preserve your relationship with your daughter. As it stands now, you risk losing her love and respect by your decision not to support her choice of a husband. Offering to sponsor her trip and stay abroad would help her realise that you mean well for her and that if you could change the world to make her happy, you would since have done it. If you cannot afford a European country, you and your husband can consider an African country. She actually needs a change of environment to remain emotionally stable. Going to this man would only complicate things for you in terms of your relationship with your daughter. It is your daughter you have business with not the man. Everyman has the right to desire any woman; it is usually the job of the woman to say yes or no. He proposed to your daughter and she accepted. He has not done anything out of the ordinary. The fact that you don’t subscribe to polygamy doesn’t make it wrong or illegal. Your daughter would rightly feel you are interfering too much in her life. Don’t forget that at 38, she is an adult and who by right should be in her husband’s house making her decision. The fact that she is still single doesn’t mean you should not recognise her right to her decision. She really doesn’t need your consent to marry this man because it is her life and decision. The fact that she agreed to listen to you all these years is because she is a responsible lady. The way you talk to and tailor the life of a young woman in her 20s is different from a 38-year-old woman. Stop trying to live her life for her. Granted, you are her mother but she is also an adult and knows what is good for her. If you want to intervene, it must be done with so much wisdom and caution. This is why you must give her positive alternatives to the choice she is about to make else you would be unwittingly pushing her to the very direction you don’t want her to go to. As a mother, you also need to pray your daughter into happiness. One thing is to give her an alternative to her decision; another thing is for you to pray for her. There is no doubting that from your story, your first daughter has some spiritual challenges, which you as a mother isn’t paying too much attention to. If you don’t get on your knees fast, even if she goes there, things might not really work for her. It is time you moved out of your cocoon and seek the face of God on behalf on your daughter. Look back into your family, your husband’s family for clues into her problem. What is happening to her isn’t natural. Also, find out from her if she has offended any man in the past; one that swore to deal with her. You must find out where the leak is from to enable you know what your prayer points would be. She needs your help because this battle is beyond her. It is the reason all young girls pray to have their mothers alive. Cry to God for His help. It isn’t too late for her to find her missing rib. This is a step you have to take on your own. Fast and go on personal vigil for your daughter. If God wants you to seek the help of a pastor, He would direct you appropriately. You must first get rid of her spiritual dustbin before sending her abroad or talking to her. It is very important. Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been urging my first daughter to bring a man home to marry. She is almost 38. Although the most beautiful of my three daughters, she appears to be the one having the most difficulties in sustaining any relationship. Men come and go. I haven’t seen a man who has stayed with her for more than six months at most. Her two younger sisters are married and have children of their own. Severally, I have heard her crying in her room but there is nothing I can do to help her beyond praying for her. Two years ago, her father tried matchmaking her with the son of his best friend who also is unmarried at 42. We thought it would work between the two of them but were warned in the church not to allow them continue with the relationship. Our pastor said, the boy in question has a very short lifespan and our daughter would become widowed within a month after their marriage. They had no choice but to go their different ways. The man got married to another lady early this year and nothing has happened to him. My daughter feels very bad about it. She thinks the pastor lied about the prophecy to make way for the daughter of his relation who the boy eventually got married to. Now she is dating a man who already has two wives and from all indices has made up her mind to marry him whether we are in support of her decision or not. The father and I have done everything to make her see reasons but nothing we say appears to be having the right kind of effect on her anymore. How do I convince her not to marry this man who in addition to having two wives is almost of the same age with my husband. A friend of mine told me to go and appeal to the man to leave my daughter alone. I am actually considering going as soon as I hear from you. Please help me.
Madam Alice.
Dear Madam Alice,
Frankly, in her current state of mind, there is nothing you say or do now that can make her change her mind. It would take the grace of God to stop her from continuing with her decision to marry this man. At 38 and with her younger sisters all married, she feels time is not on her side. The only man that was sufficiently interested in her and who would have married her was driven away by the prophecy of a pastor. In her shoes, how would you feel especially as no man has ever been around her for more than six months at a go? This isn’t time for you or her father to insist on her not marrying the man she has made up her mind to marry. Instead, adopt diplomacy in this matter. You need to understand her pains as well as disappointments. You, as a woman, must appreciate that until this moment she had done everything you wanted and how her obedience to your wish as pronounced by the pastor has affected her. She cannot be happy seeing the man who wanted to marry her in the arms of another woman; the man she was told would die within a month of their marriage. It would have been a different matter if the man had truly died according to the sayings of the pastor but that he has been married for sometime now and is still alive has really complicated things for you. You must understand that she is very bitter and has lost hope in everything you, her father and the church represent. Having done everything your way until now, she feels it is time she does things her way. Even if you are not comfortable with her decision, learn to take each day as it comes. Being her mother, you know her better than anybody. It is this knowledge you must rely on to make her listen to you. But before you even try attempting to terminate her current relationship, what alternative do you have for her? It isn’t just enough asking her to drop this man; you must be prepared to provide her with options. For instance, you could split them by asking your daughter to change location. Sending her abroad to start life afresh is one sacrifice you and your husband can consider. It would help you achieve your desire of stopping her from making the mistake of marrying a man who already has two wives as well as create a new environment for her to meet new people. It would also remove her from immediate scene of seeing this her ex-boyfriend and his wife. This way, she would heal faster than if she remained in Nigeria. In addition, you would still be able to preserve your relationship with your daughter. As it stands now, you risk losing her love and respect by your decision not to support her choice of a husband. Offering to sponsor her trip and stay abroad would help her realise that you mean well for her and that if you could change the world to make her happy, you would since have done it. If you cannot afford a European country, you and your husband can consider an African country. She actually needs a change of environment to remain emotionally stable. Going to this man would only complicate things for you in terms of your relationship with your daughter. It is your daughter you have business with not the man. Everyman has the right to desire any woman; it is usually the job of the woman to say yes or no. He proposed to your daughter and she accepted. He has not done anything out of the ordinary. The fact that you don’t subscribe to polygamy doesn’t make it wrong or illegal. Your daughter would rightly feel you are interfering too much in her life. Don’t forget that at 38, she is an adult and who by right should be in her husband’s house making her decision. The fact that she is still single doesn’t mean you should not recognise her right to her decision. She really doesn’t need your consent to marry this man because it is her life and decision. The fact that she agreed to listen to you all these years is because she is a responsible lady. The way you talk to and tailor the life of a young woman in her 20s is different from a 38-year-old woman. Stop trying to live her life for her. Granted, you are her mother but she is also an adult and knows what is good for her. If you want to intervene, it must be done with so much wisdom and caution. This is why you must give her positive alternatives to the choice she is about to make else you would be unwittingly pushing her to the very direction you don’t want her to go to. As a mother, you also need to pray your daughter into happiness. One thing is to give her an alternative to her decision; another thing is for you to pray for her. There is no doubting that from your story, your first daughter has some spiritual challenges, which you as a mother isn’t paying too much attention to. If you don’t get on your knees fast, even if she goes there, things might not really work for her. It is time you moved out of your cocoon and seek the face of God on behalf on your daughter. Look back into your family, your husband’s family for clues into her problem. What is happening to her isn’t natural. Also, find out from her if she has offended any man in the past; one that swore to deal with her. You must find out where the leak is from to enable you know what your prayer points would be. She needs your help because this battle is beyond her. It is the reason all young girls pray to have their mothers alive. Cry to God for His help. It isn’t too late for her to find her missing rib. This is a step you have to take on your own. Fast and go on personal vigil for your daughter. If God wants you to seek the help of a pastor, He would direct you appropriately. You must first get rid of her spiritual dustbin before sending her abroad or talking to her. It is very important. Good luck.
I’m in love with a violent man
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 23 years of age. I started dating my boyfriend when I was in my final year in secondary school. He actually helped me to secure admission into the university since I didn’t go through the right channel. Because of this, I have remained in his debt. He beats me, flirts, behaves as he likes and does other things that really hurt me. Severally, he has poured hot soup on me simply because I protest against his numerous women. Twice I have made feeble attempts to leave him, but deep down I know I can’t because he has an inexplicable hold over me. Apart from what I feel for him, he can be very violent and has promised to eliminate my entire family, himself and me if I ever leave him for another man. Knowing him as much as I do, this isn’t an empty threat. Once he locked me in the room when I refused to make love with him and brought out a sharp object to eliminate both of us if I don’t do what he wanted. A lot of my friends have tried talking to me about this abusive relationship. I know he is bad for me, but I don’t know what to do. The funny thing is that he comes back to beg after such misbehavior. Another reason for my handicap has to do with the help he offered me in getting my admission. He is capable of exposing everything to the world and where would that leave me? Another thing is that I am pregnant, and unfortunately for me the doctor I went to is his friend, and has told him about it. So there is no way of escaping marrying him. Please, Agatha, what do I do now? This man is capable of killing me one day but I am very helpless. I don’t have a mother and don’t know how to end this relationship. I am also afraid the baby would end up being as violent as the father just like a friend of mine pointed out. What do you think? I am really scared. Please help me. I don’t want to die young and cannot abort the baby because there is a prophecy that if I attempt it I would die.
Yeni.
Dear Yeni, Aside from the prophecy, the baby is a gift from God. So don’t even think of removing it. You appeared to have made one mistake already, don’t be in a haste to make another one. You may not be comfortable with the attitude of the father but the baby is innocent. Invest love in the baby and give it proper training. A lot of the time, we are the kind of training we got from our parents. Your boyfriend is who he is, because of the kind of training he got and the company he keeps. Even if your child inherits this aspect of his character, you can help the child overcome it by showing him or her true and undiluted love. Usually, children manifest their kind of nature when young. From that point, the mother has the task of moulding the child to what she wants him or her to become. The mistake most mothers make is to ignore these traits or attribute them to the age of the child. Sometimes too, these kinds of behaviour come from over-indulgence on the part of the mother. If nothing is done early enough, by the time the mother feels the need to introduce discipline, it becomes almost impossible and a future problem to the spouse. The key to helping this child come to full maturity lies with you. As a mother your duties and responsibilities go beyond giving birth to the child. It includes pointing the child to the right direction through the words of God. As for your relationship with the man, the choice to stay depends solely on what you want from life. If you enjoy being beaten and humiliated, you can stay. But if you don’t, be bold to confront him on what you think of his attitude towards you. From all indications, this man lacks respect for your person and feelings. Whatever your own shortcomings are, he hasn’t the right to beat you. It shows a man who is completely lacking in self-control and maturity in handling women. And if he keeps beating you at this stage of your relationship, when he should be courting you, making himself attractive to you so that you can agree to marry him, how do you think he would treat you when you are both married? That he helped you secure admission in your school isn’t an excuse for him to threaten or keep beating you anytime he feels like. No love is worth any violence. While it is natural for couple to quarrel, at times even violent ones, what is happening in your relationship is, however unhealthy, as it has become a pattern. If you don’t build up the courage now to face this situation and give it the kind of attention you may not live long to even enjoy being mother to your children. What if the hot soup he poured on you had left you with permanent injury, handicapped for life? What kind of story would you be telling your family? Grow up! No love can be greater than the love to stay alive? Your sustaining a relationship is dependent on your being alive. If you die from injuries you sustain from being constantly beaten by him, this guy would eventually marry another woman. The loss won’t be his but that of your family who would have lost a promising daughter and you would have lost a life God intended for greatness. I am sure God didn’t create you to be a punching bag for a man who is probably learning how to be a world-class boxing champion. If this man has no respect for you, learn to give yourself some respect. He is treating you this way because he knows you are weak and handicapped by your desire to stay in school at all cost. Resist being blackmailed by him to stay in this relationship. Life is too beautiful, fragile and short for this kind of lifestyle you plan with this man. Whatever your fears are now, you can bet they are far less than the kind of life you would have if after witnessing and experiencing all these dangerous signs, you still go ahead to marry him. That you are pregnant for him isn’t also a reason for you to marry him. Every child deserves happiness and peaceful home to grow in. So do you, as a young woman, just starting out her life. If you are being treated by your man as a second-class citizen, one who lacks the ability to think or feel anything. What kind of respect do you think your child would have for you? Honestly, you are still beating about the bush and clearly not being very honest with yourself concerning the real reason you are putting up with his character. Unless you are able to do without that secret thing you are not saying, you will never be able to end this relationship. You need to admit to the real truth behind your story and plight to fuel your determination to resist him permanently. The best way is to weigh this thing you are not saying and the worth of your own life. How much does your life mean to you? Is that thing worth dying for? Value your life appropriately, it is the only way to either move on or opt out of this relationship. You also have to go to take a trip to the very beginning of this relationship. Can you tell the mistakes you made at the beginning? Unless there is something very wrong with him, he alone couldn’t have destroyed this relationship to this extent. Knowing those things you didn’t do right at the inception of your relationship would also help you avoid many of the mistakes this relationship has become. One way of ending it is to simply walk away and threaten to inform the Police about threats he has made to kill you and your entire family. Also tell your family. And if you have brothers, let them go to him. More often than not, bullies die many times before their death. Once he knows the Police is involved as well as your family, he would be cautious in his dealings with you. Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 23 years of age. I started dating my boyfriend when I was in my final year in secondary school. He actually helped me to secure admission into the university since I didn’t go through the right channel. Because of this, I have remained in his debt. He beats me, flirts, behaves as he likes and does other things that really hurt me. Severally, he has poured hot soup on me simply because I protest against his numerous women. Twice I have made feeble attempts to leave him, but deep down I know I can’t because he has an inexplicable hold over me. Apart from what I feel for him, he can be very violent and has promised to eliminate my entire family, himself and me if I ever leave him for another man. Knowing him as much as I do, this isn’t an empty threat. Once he locked me in the room when I refused to make love with him and brought out a sharp object to eliminate both of us if I don’t do what he wanted. A lot of my friends have tried talking to me about this abusive relationship. I know he is bad for me, but I don’t know what to do. The funny thing is that he comes back to beg after such misbehavior. Another reason for my handicap has to do with the help he offered me in getting my admission. He is capable of exposing everything to the world and where would that leave me? Another thing is that I am pregnant, and unfortunately for me the doctor I went to is his friend, and has told him about it. So there is no way of escaping marrying him. Please, Agatha, what do I do now? This man is capable of killing me one day but I am very helpless. I don’t have a mother and don’t know how to end this relationship. I am also afraid the baby would end up being as violent as the father just like a friend of mine pointed out. What do you think? I am really scared. Please help me. I don’t want to die young and cannot abort the baby because there is a prophecy that if I attempt it I would die.
Yeni.
Dear Yeni, Aside from the prophecy, the baby is a gift from God. So don’t even think of removing it. You appeared to have made one mistake already, don’t be in a haste to make another one. You may not be comfortable with the attitude of the father but the baby is innocent. Invest love in the baby and give it proper training. A lot of the time, we are the kind of training we got from our parents. Your boyfriend is who he is, because of the kind of training he got and the company he keeps. Even if your child inherits this aspect of his character, you can help the child overcome it by showing him or her true and undiluted love. Usually, children manifest their kind of nature when young. From that point, the mother has the task of moulding the child to what she wants him or her to become. The mistake most mothers make is to ignore these traits or attribute them to the age of the child. Sometimes too, these kinds of behaviour come from over-indulgence on the part of the mother. If nothing is done early enough, by the time the mother feels the need to introduce discipline, it becomes almost impossible and a future problem to the spouse. The key to helping this child come to full maturity lies with you. As a mother your duties and responsibilities go beyond giving birth to the child. It includes pointing the child to the right direction through the words of God. As for your relationship with the man, the choice to stay depends solely on what you want from life. If you enjoy being beaten and humiliated, you can stay. But if you don’t, be bold to confront him on what you think of his attitude towards you. From all indications, this man lacks respect for your person and feelings. Whatever your own shortcomings are, he hasn’t the right to beat you. It shows a man who is completely lacking in self-control and maturity in handling women. And if he keeps beating you at this stage of your relationship, when he should be courting you, making himself attractive to you so that you can agree to marry him, how do you think he would treat you when you are both married? That he helped you secure admission in your school isn’t an excuse for him to threaten or keep beating you anytime he feels like. No love is worth any violence. While it is natural for couple to quarrel, at times even violent ones, what is happening in your relationship is, however unhealthy, as it has become a pattern. If you don’t build up the courage now to face this situation and give it the kind of attention you may not live long to even enjoy being mother to your children. What if the hot soup he poured on you had left you with permanent injury, handicapped for life? What kind of story would you be telling your family? Grow up! No love can be greater than the love to stay alive? Your sustaining a relationship is dependent on your being alive. If you die from injuries you sustain from being constantly beaten by him, this guy would eventually marry another woman. The loss won’t be his but that of your family who would have lost a promising daughter and you would have lost a life God intended for greatness. I am sure God didn’t create you to be a punching bag for a man who is probably learning how to be a world-class boxing champion. If this man has no respect for you, learn to give yourself some respect. He is treating you this way because he knows you are weak and handicapped by your desire to stay in school at all cost. Resist being blackmailed by him to stay in this relationship. Life is too beautiful, fragile and short for this kind of lifestyle you plan with this man. Whatever your fears are now, you can bet they are far less than the kind of life you would have if after witnessing and experiencing all these dangerous signs, you still go ahead to marry him. That you are pregnant for him isn’t also a reason for you to marry him. Every child deserves happiness and peaceful home to grow in. So do you, as a young woman, just starting out her life. If you are being treated by your man as a second-class citizen, one who lacks the ability to think or feel anything. What kind of respect do you think your child would have for you? Honestly, you are still beating about the bush and clearly not being very honest with yourself concerning the real reason you are putting up with his character. Unless you are able to do without that secret thing you are not saying, you will never be able to end this relationship. You need to admit to the real truth behind your story and plight to fuel your determination to resist him permanently. The best way is to weigh this thing you are not saying and the worth of your own life. How much does your life mean to you? Is that thing worth dying for? Value your life appropriately, it is the only way to either move on or opt out of this relationship. You also have to go to take a trip to the very beginning of this relationship. Can you tell the mistakes you made at the beginning? Unless there is something very wrong with him, he alone couldn’t have destroyed this relationship to this extent. Knowing those things you didn’t do right at the inception of your relationship would also help you avoid many of the mistakes this relationship has become. One way of ending it is to simply walk away and threaten to inform the Police about threats he has made to kill you and your entire family. Also tell your family. And if you have brothers, let them go to him. More often than not, bullies die many times before their death. Once he knows the Police is involved as well as your family, he would be cautious in his dealings with you. Good luck.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Why do we have to marry?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 42 and understandably under pressure from members of my family, especially my parents and friends to marry. I have been disappointed, crushed and I am very bitter especially as everybody seems not to understand that the choice to be single isn’t one I am happy with. Like most women my age, I want to have a husband and children.
Most of my friends have children in the universities, so it isn’t as if I am not thinking or conscious of what is expected of me. But, the issue goes beyond what I want or people around me for that matter.
It is for me an issue of what is workable. Looking at the quality of marriages around me, I really appear to be better off. Everywhere I turn to, I see a lot of pretences in marriages. A lot of my friends are into other relationships to keep themselves happy because of the pressures they are getting from their partners. Most of them are the ones responsible for the upkeep of their homes and the fees of their children. Now tell me what is the difference between me and them? They pick their bills just as I do so what is all the hassles about a woman getting married at all cost? I may not be completely happy but I am contented with the choices life has made for me.
My reason for writing is to ask you why do people marry and to know of what essence is marriage generally? Is it a must for a woman or man for that matter to get married?
Ibiyemi.
Dear Ibiyemi,
The essence of marriages comes from the companionship it offers. Its seemingly imperfection not withstanding, the benefits of being married cannot be undervalued. Nature expects it and so does the society. To do otherwise is to court and attract undue attention to oneself.
You may not appreciate the worth of having your own family now but as time goes on, you will soon realise that life is in stages. Each phase flows from the previous into the next. There is no jumping to the next stage in life without first, living in the present. Mostly, life many disappointments come from our inability to correctly read and identify that particular chain that links the present with the future. Unfortunately, not many get the chance to relive that aspect of their lives again.
Life itself is a tangle of intricate webs, which makes frustration, regrets, pains and betrayals as well as happiness concomitant to our existence. As long as we have learnt to accept the good things life offers, we must also learn to deal with its flip side. That you have been experiencing pains and rejections from men or the fact that you think marriages are not what they are supposed to be, enough reasons for you to completely write off the prospect of marriage. Life is about falling and rising up again. It is also about sharing what we have.
This is where marriage draws strength from. A couple must have a commonwealth to make a marriage work. Without a couple combining resources, the marriage would run into problems of logistics. The role of a woman in marriage is to provide quality support for her husband. If she elects to pick the bills for housekeeping, it is her choice to do so. A woman that finds herself in that position is only making the sacrifice to make her home work and happy.
Sacrifice is the anchor of every successful marriage. Being the bedrock of the home, a woman must do what has to be done to ensure her home is happy. This is why a lot of women are making the choice of bringing out their money to make their marriages work. It is not a minus rather, it is a plus for the woman who invests in her home. One gets to a point in life when one realises that marriage isn’t the make-believe our mothers project marriage. Every woman must understand the needs of her marriage to know when, where to step in and what to offer. The success of every marriage is dependent on the ability of the woman to fully interprete the nature of her own marriage.
If after all these sacrifices, the same woman decides to play around, it doesn’t mean her marriage is in problems or that the institution is in shambles. Far from it! It simply means such a woman lacks the moral value to honour her man and vows. And you will be doing yourself a great injustice to premise your happiness on the values of such a woman.
You may not have the challenge your friends have in their marriages. Yours may be a completely different kind of trials. There is no way you would know what life expects of you, if you don’t give it a chance to show you.
Your friends are only doing what women have secretly done through the ages to keep their home intact.
At 42, you are getting on in age. A time would come when you won’t be so attractive, when all your friends would be too preoccupied with their own families to have the extra time to spend chatting or exchanging visits with you. If you are the kind that keeps a large family, a time would come when they will all leave your nest to begin their own lives. This is when you need your own immediate family, your own children and husband to fill the gap for you.
There is also another stage when the children would leave and you would be alone with your partner. These are the stages of life. This is the real time when the real meaning of marriage becomes evident; when the reason God ordained marriage becomes unmistakable.
In addition to companionship, there are various emotional values attached to being married. Besides this aspect of marriage, many people gauge one’s level of responsibility by one’s marital status. A person, especially a man, who isn’t married won’t be considered for certain sensitive international positions.
Beyond the superficial reasons, the truth is that we all need someone in our lives to make us feel complete. A woman needs a man to reach her full emotional and social status just as a man must have a woman in his life to be complete.
Adulthood means complimenting someone else. This is why once we get to an age of acquiring companion, something in our mind triggers off that need. No matter how strong we are, we need companionship, friendship, cheer-leader, someone who understands us and willingly to make tremendous sacrifices for us. For a woman, we need that special man who when the world thinks we are all wrinkles, still sees the beauty in us. It is something we all need once we are getting on in age. Only marriage gives an old woman the confidence to feel happy and beautiful.
Rather than dismiss the idea of marriage, you must first consider why you have kept meeting with disappointments in your relationships. Definitely, the problem can’t be that of the marriage institution or the men coming to you for that matter. Rather, most of it would come from your own failure to identify what precisely you are looking for in life.
Like I said earlier, our pains often have roots in our helplessness to squarely face what our needs really are. At 42, you are already on reality zone. Your dreams and visions should have changed dramatically from what they were about a decade ago. If your desire has always tilted towards the physcial and financial status of the man, by now you should know that such things do not guarantee happiness in marriage. Marriage is more about what we have inside and not what we look like or have. There always comes a time in life when the body desires to have the intimacy of the opposite sex. Even if the other party isn’t in the mood, being married makes it a must for the other party to give in. It is one of the many benefits marriage offers.
Once you make the decision to change your focus, you will find out that marriage is an inevitable journey for us all as adults.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 42 and understandably under pressure from members of my family, especially my parents and friends to marry. I have been disappointed, crushed and I am very bitter especially as everybody seems not to understand that the choice to be single isn’t one I am happy with. Like most women my age, I want to have a husband and children.
Most of my friends have children in the universities, so it isn’t as if I am not thinking or conscious of what is expected of me. But, the issue goes beyond what I want or people around me for that matter.
It is for me an issue of what is workable. Looking at the quality of marriages around me, I really appear to be better off. Everywhere I turn to, I see a lot of pretences in marriages. A lot of my friends are into other relationships to keep themselves happy because of the pressures they are getting from their partners. Most of them are the ones responsible for the upkeep of their homes and the fees of their children. Now tell me what is the difference between me and them? They pick their bills just as I do so what is all the hassles about a woman getting married at all cost? I may not be completely happy but I am contented with the choices life has made for me.
My reason for writing is to ask you why do people marry and to know of what essence is marriage generally? Is it a must for a woman or man for that matter to get married?
Ibiyemi.
Dear Ibiyemi,
The essence of marriages comes from the companionship it offers. Its seemingly imperfection not withstanding, the benefits of being married cannot be undervalued. Nature expects it and so does the society. To do otherwise is to court and attract undue attention to oneself.
You may not appreciate the worth of having your own family now but as time goes on, you will soon realise that life is in stages. Each phase flows from the previous into the next. There is no jumping to the next stage in life without first, living in the present. Mostly, life many disappointments come from our inability to correctly read and identify that particular chain that links the present with the future. Unfortunately, not many get the chance to relive that aspect of their lives again.
Life itself is a tangle of intricate webs, which makes frustration, regrets, pains and betrayals as well as happiness concomitant to our existence. As long as we have learnt to accept the good things life offers, we must also learn to deal with its flip side. That you have been experiencing pains and rejections from men or the fact that you think marriages are not what they are supposed to be, enough reasons for you to completely write off the prospect of marriage. Life is about falling and rising up again. It is also about sharing what we have.
This is where marriage draws strength from. A couple must have a commonwealth to make a marriage work. Without a couple combining resources, the marriage would run into problems of logistics. The role of a woman in marriage is to provide quality support for her husband. If she elects to pick the bills for housekeeping, it is her choice to do so. A woman that finds herself in that position is only making the sacrifice to make her home work and happy.
Sacrifice is the anchor of every successful marriage. Being the bedrock of the home, a woman must do what has to be done to ensure her home is happy. This is why a lot of women are making the choice of bringing out their money to make their marriages work. It is not a minus rather, it is a plus for the woman who invests in her home. One gets to a point in life when one realises that marriage isn’t the make-believe our mothers project marriage. Every woman must understand the needs of her marriage to know when, where to step in and what to offer. The success of every marriage is dependent on the ability of the woman to fully interprete the nature of her own marriage.
If after all these sacrifices, the same woman decides to play around, it doesn’t mean her marriage is in problems or that the institution is in shambles. Far from it! It simply means such a woman lacks the moral value to honour her man and vows. And you will be doing yourself a great injustice to premise your happiness on the values of such a woman.
You may not have the challenge your friends have in their marriages. Yours may be a completely different kind of trials. There is no way you would know what life expects of you, if you don’t give it a chance to show you.
Your friends are only doing what women have secretly done through the ages to keep their home intact.
At 42, you are getting on in age. A time would come when you won’t be so attractive, when all your friends would be too preoccupied with their own families to have the extra time to spend chatting or exchanging visits with you. If you are the kind that keeps a large family, a time would come when they will all leave your nest to begin their own lives. This is when you need your own immediate family, your own children and husband to fill the gap for you.
There is also another stage when the children would leave and you would be alone with your partner. These are the stages of life. This is the real time when the real meaning of marriage becomes evident; when the reason God ordained marriage becomes unmistakable.
In addition to companionship, there are various emotional values attached to being married. Besides this aspect of marriage, many people gauge one’s level of responsibility by one’s marital status. A person, especially a man, who isn’t married won’t be considered for certain sensitive international positions.
Beyond the superficial reasons, the truth is that we all need someone in our lives to make us feel complete. A woman needs a man to reach her full emotional and social status just as a man must have a woman in his life to be complete.
Adulthood means complimenting someone else. This is why once we get to an age of acquiring companion, something in our mind triggers off that need. No matter how strong we are, we need companionship, friendship, cheer-leader, someone who understands us and willingly to make tremendous sacrifices for us. For a woman, we need that special man who when the world thinks we are all wrinkles, still sees the beauty in us. It is something we all need once we are getting on in age. Only marriage gives an old woman the confidence to feel happy and beautiful.
Rather than dismiss the idea of marriage, you must first consider why you have kept meeting with disappointments in your relationships. Definitely, the problem can’t be that of the marriage institution or the men coming to you for that matter. Rather, most of it would come from your own failure to identify what precisely you are looking for in life.
Like I said earlier, our pains often have roots in our helplessness to squarely face what our needs really are. At 42, you are already on reality zone. Your dreams and visions should have changed dramatically from what they were about a decade ago. If your desire has always tilted towards the physcial and financial status of the man, by now you should know that such things do not guarantee happiness in marriage. Marriage is more about what we have inside and not what we look like or have. There always comes a time in life when the body desires to have the intimacy of the opposite sex. Even if the other party isn’t in the mood, being married makes it a must for the other party to give in. It is one of the many benefits marriage offers.
Once you make the decision to change your focus, you will find out that marriage is an inevitable journey for us all as adults.
Good luck.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I caught my married sister kissing our father’s best friend
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. I have just finished my secondary school education so I decided to spend few weeks with my eldest sister who is married with three children. Her eldest child is in JSS 3. It was my first time of staying over in her house despite efforts her husband has made to ensure my siblings and I treated his home as ours. My mother always had one excuse or the other for turning down his request for us to come for holidays.
After a while, he stopped asking us to come over but never stayed away from us. Every month, he would send my parents money as well as the rest of us. He also encouraged us to call him whenever we needed anything urgently. As a matter of fact he behaved more like the son and child of the family than my eldest sister. Many not familiar with our family history thought he was actually my mother’s child and my sister, his wife.
For reasons I didn’t know until recently, my sister and our mother were always at logger heads. And since neither of them was willing to say anything on the matter, we all decided it was the usual thing between eldest daugthers and their mothers.
On the occassions my father tried talking to my sister and mother about their soured relationship; it always ended with my mother challenging my sister to tell the world the real reasons for their misunderstanding. My mother on such occassions would tell my sister she regretted having her as a child.
Like us, my father gave up trying to broker peace between his daughter and wife.
The third day after I came, she encouraged me to go to the market to get some clothes for myself and told me to take my time. In my excitement at having such a huge money to play with, I forget my purse at home. I was almost in the market when I discovered I didn’t bring along my wallet containing the major money I wanted to use for shopping. The only money I had, was the N2,000.00 I kept inside my bag; the reason I didn’t discover my oversight until I got to the market.
I tried calling my sister since her shop was closer to where I was than the house but, her phone was switched off so I decided to go home to get my wallet.
I don’t know why I decided against going home as I planned. On impulse, I got down at her shop’s bus-stop. Just as I was about crossing the road, I noticed a car packed some distance from her shop; the car belonged to my father’s best friend. I was excited so made a dash for the car without thinking. Although the car had tinted glass, I could make out the form of my sister and father’s best friend kissing at the back of the car.
They must have seen me because my sister pushed him away, opened the door and gave me the most severe slap I have ever received. There was nothing she didn’t say, including the bit about my mother sending me to spy on her.
My father’s friend didn’t bother to come down, instead, he drove away from the scene.
I am very confused because I can’t just leave without telling my sister’s husband or my siblings and parents why I came back home only few days after I left to spend the holidays at my sister’s.
Agatha, please help me. I can’t stay with my sister anymore but, what do I say as my reason for leaving? I have lost every respect for her as my sister. The other issue has to do with my father’s friend. The man is like a brother to my father and was the chairman at my sister’s wedding ceremony. I know my sister has always been close to him, but I didn’t know they were involved.
Do you think I should tell my parents before he destroys my sister’s marriage? But, my sister is threatening to deal with me if I tell anybody what I witnessed. I am so confused about everything because she is one of the most responsible people I know.
Ewaoluwa
Dear Ewaoluwa,
You don’t have to tell your sister’s husband your real reason for leaving so suddenly. Simply tell your brother-in-law you are home sick and would want to go back home. There is no doubting the fact that your sister would gladly support your leaving as soon as possible.
The danger of staying has to do with the current mood your sister is in. In her present state of mind, there is no telling what she is capable of doing to you. She may not mean to really harm you but would have committed the act in anger before realising the import of what she has done. In situation like this, it always best to avoid regrettable circumstances.
Obviously, what you witnessed didn’t begin today and may not end because you saw the two of them in that intimate position. Your sister’s as well as your father’s best friend reactions show that they have gone too deep to care who is watching. It could have been anybody who walked in on them kissing in public. Therefore, if this marriage is going to break, don’t let the blame come from you. From the way both of them are carrying on, it is a matter of time for the two most important persons directly affected by this relationship to catch them in the act. But before then, avoid the cross and burden of being named in this mess.
Chances are your mother already knows but because she is a mother, has decided to deal with it the only way she knows how. This could be the reason the two of them don’t agree at all. Your mother is also avoiding being named as the cause of her daughter’s matrimonial problems. Often than not, people get very sentimental when issues like this comes up. Rather than address the real issue, they are forever looking for scape- goat to blame for their actions. Should you blow the lid on your sister extra marital affair to her husband, you would be her scapegoat since she is already alluding to you acting as spy for your mother. She would always find a way of making you appear to be a tale bearer which wouldn’t augur well for you especially as this is your first time staying in her house.
She can easily tell the world, it is to avoid problems in her marriage that she has always discouraged her siblings from coming to her home.
This is not to say you are supporting her, far from it but wisdom demands that certain things are best left to those who have the authority and right to say it. As her younger sister, one far her junior, you are not in a position to handle this matter or say anything beyond informing your mother, whose duty and perogative it is to inform your father.
In telling your mother, make it clear to her that your telling her isn’t to cause more problems between the two of them but for her to have a serious talk with your sister.
Honestly, this isn’t the time to reprimand her. Instead, it is the time for you and your mother to come together to pray for her. Obviously, there is more to this issue that meets the eyes. For a married woman to think nothing of kissing another man in public so near her shop, a place she is well known and where her husband or his family members can come without notice, underscores a nagging spiritual problem that may have nothing to do with her directly but a lot to do with your father.
Tell your mother, getting angry with your elder sister isn’t a solution. She must take an action to protect her daughter from herself. If nothing is done by her, to ensure she puts a stop to this situation, the shame won’t be only that of your sister but, of the entire family.
Encourage her it is also time for your father to be involved. He is the only one who has the capacity to confront his friend and apply the needed force to put a stop to this romance between your sister and his friend.
On your part, go on your knees to pray for your sister. She needs help and immediately too before she loses the love, respect and support of her husband as well as children. The reason you chanced on them is for you to stand in gap. There are so many things in life beyond our understanding and the more we ask questions, the more confused we become. In the school of life, one plus one don’t often add up to two. Unless your mother makes the efforts to wrestle your sister from this power overshadowing her, you will all share in her shame.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. I have just finished my secondary school education so I decided to spend few weeks with my eldest sister who is married with three children. Her eldest child is in JSS 3. It was my first time of staying over in her house despite efforts her husband has made to ensure my siblings and I treated his home as ours. My mother always had one excuse or the other for turning down his request for us to come for holidays.
After a while, he stopped asking us to come over but never stayed away from us. Every month, he would send my parents money as well as the rest of us. He also encouraged us to call him whenever we needed anything urgently. As a matter of fact he behaved more like the son and child of the family than my eldest sister. Many not familiar with our family history thought he was actually my mother’s child and my sister, his wife.
For reasons I didn’t know until recently, my sister and our mother were always at logger heads. And since neither of them was willing to say anything on the matter, we all decided it was the usual thing between eldest daugthers and their mothers.
On the occassions my father tried talking to my sister and mother about their soured relationship; it always ended with my mother challenging my sister to tell the world the real reasons for their misunderstanding. My mother on such occassions would tell my sister she regretted having her as a child.
Like us, my father gave up trying to broker peace between his daughter and wife.
The third day after I came, she encouraged me to go to the market to get some clothes for myself and told me to take my time. In my excitement at having such a huge money to play with, I forget my purse at home. I was almost in the market when I discovered I didn’t bring along my wallet containing the major money I wanted to use for shopping. The only money I had, was the N2,000.00 I kept inside my bag; the reason I didn’t discover my oversight until I got to the market.
I tried calling my sister since her shop was closer to where I was than the house but, her phone was switched off so I decided to go home to get my wallet.
I don’t know why I decided against going home as I planned. On impulse, I got down at her shop’s bus-stop. Just as I was about crossing the road, I noticed a car packed some distance from her shop; the car belonged to my father’s best friend. I was excited so made a dash for the car without thinking. Although the car had tinted glass, I could make out the form of my sister and father’s best friend kissing at the back of the car.
They must have seen me because my sister pushed him away, opened the door and gave me the most severe slap I have ever received. There was nothing she didn’t say, including the bit about my mother sending me to spy on her.
My father’s friend didn’t bother to come down, instead, he drove away from the scene.
I am very confused because I can’t just leave without telling my sister’s husband or my siblings and parents why I came back home only few days after I left to spend the holidays at my sister’s.
Agatha, please help me. I can’t stay with my sister anymore but, what do I say as my reason for leaving? I have lost every respect for her as my sister. The other issue has to do with my father’s friend. The man is like a brother to my father and was the chairman at my sister’s wedding ceremony. I know my sister has always been close to him, but I didn’t know they were involved.
Do you think I should tell my parents before he destroys my sister’s marriage? But, my sister is threatening to deal with me if I tell anybody what I witnessed. I am so confused about everything because she is one of the most responsible people I know.
Ewaoluwa
Dear Ewaoluwa,
You don’t have to tell your sister’s husband your real reason for leaving so suddenly. Simply tell your brother-in-law you are home sick and would want to go back home. There is no doubting the fact that your sister would gladly support your leaving as soon as possible.
The danger of staying has to do with the current mood your sister is in. In her present state of mind, there is no telling what she is capable of doing to you. She may not mean to really harm you but would have committed the act in anger before realising the import of what she has done. In situation like this, it always best to avoid regrettable circumstances.
Obviously, what you witnessed didn’t begin today and may not end because you saw the two of them in that intimate position. Your sister’s as well as your father’s best friend reactions show that they have gone too deep to care who is watching. It could have been anybody who walked in on them kissing in public. Therefore, if this marriage is going to break, don’t let the blame come from you. From the way both of them are carrying on, it is a matter of time for the two most important persons directly affected by this relationship to catch them in the act. But before then, avoid the cross and burden of being named in this mess.
Chances are your mother already knows but because she is a mother, has decided to deal with it the only way she knows how. This could be the reason the two of them don’t agree at all. Your mother is also avoiding being named as the cause of her daughter’s matrimonial problems. Often than not, people get very sentimental when issues like this comes up. Rather than address the real issue, they are forever looking for scape- goat to blame for their actions. Should you blow the lid on your sister extra marital affair to her husband, you would be her scapegoat since she is already alluding to you acting as spy for your mother. She would always find a way of making you appear to be a tale bearer which wouldn’t augur well for you especially as this is your first time staying in her house.
She can easily tell the world, it is to avoid problems in her marriage that she has always discouraged her siblings from coming to her home.
This is not to say you are supporting her, far from it but wisdom demands that certain things are best left to those who have the authority and right to say it. As her younger sister, one far her junior, you are not in a position to handle this matter or say anything beyond informing your mother, whose duty and perogative it is to inform your father.
In telling your mother, make it clear to her that your telling her isn’t to cause more problems between the two of them but for her to have a serious talk with your sister.
Honestly, this isn’t the time to reprimand her. Instead, it is the time for you and your mother to come together to pray for her. Obviously, there is more to this issue that meets the eyes. For a married woman to think nothing of kissing another man in public so near her shop, a place she is well known and where her husband or his family members can come without notice, underscores a nagging spiritual problem that may have nothing to do with her directly but a lot to do with your father.
Tell your mother, getting angry with your elder sister isn’t a solution. She must take an action to protect her daughter from herself. If nothing is done by her, to ensure she puts a stop to this situation, the shame won’t be only that of your sister but, of the entire family.
Encourage her it is also time for your father to be involved. He is the only one who has the capacity to confront his friend and apply the needed force to put a stop to this romance between your sister and his friend.
On your part, go on your knees to pray for your sister. She needs help and immediately too before she loses the love, respect and support of her husband as well as children. The reason you chanced on them is for you to stand in gap. There are so many things in life beyond our understanding and the more we ask questions, the more confused we become. In the school of life, one plus one don’t often add up to two. Unless your mother makes the efforts to wrestle your sister from this power overshadowing her, you will all share in her shame.
Good luck.
How highflying job ruined my home…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Until I began to read you three years ago, I held the view that columns like yours were a sheer waste of newspapers’ space. But I have since come to realise through your efforts that people like you are not just doing great jobs, but that you are very gifted in what you are doing.
I know this problem may sound strange but I am really worried and afraid of its consequences on my home and life. What more, I feel I am responsible for it.
You see I married my wife a virgin 16 years ago. I married her a very timid and respectful woman. She trained as a teacher but from the very beginning of our marriage I made it clear I wanted a full time housewife.
From that time, she has remained at home tending to the children and me. I opened a shop near the house for her when she complained she was getting too bored doing nothing.
I really didn’t need the money from her because the salary I made as a top bank executive was more than enough for us to live in comfort.
Although my job was very demanding, I sometimes come home very late when the whole household was asleep. I naively thought she understood me very well.
Once or twice she I made attempt to protest my constant absence from home, but I always shoved aside such complaints. I reasoned she had no need to grumble because every year, she and the boys always visit any country of their choice. We have three children, all boys. The eldest is 15 while the youngest is nine.
I have never denied her anything within my powers to give. We have also never had any fundamental issue in our marriage. She does as I tell her. I was very much in charge of my home. At least, so I thought.
To make matters worse, I didn’t even perceive any change in her person or attitude until one afternoon on my way to an emergency meeting in Abuja, I came home to get some few clothes for the trip.
You can imagine my shock when I walked in on my wife and her lover. Right in my living room, he was kissing her. Needless to say, I couldn’t go for the meeting. I had to call on my deputy to go in my place. If I expected her to be remorseful, I was wrong. She told me it was over. That she was tired of playing second fiddle to my work. She told me that all the years we have been married, I have never treated her as a person. That the only time I know she is a woman is when I want to sleep with her. She told me to go and marry my work.
That night she didn’t bother to sleep at home. Fortunately, the kids were in boarding school, so I didn’t have to explain the whereabouts of their mother to anybody.
For two weeks, work was the last thing on my mind. It was the longest time I had been away from my desk without being on official duty.
When news of what happened in my home got to our families, my immediate younger sister and only sibling blamed me for neglect. She told me how many times she had come to my house and found my wife weeping and complaining about my attitude towards her. She took time to remind me of how she had tried to draw my attention to what I was doing to my marriage and self but that I didn’t listen.
My children also took side with their mother. As a matter of fact, my eldest son told me I wasn’t much of a father to any of them. He said, I should marry my job and money and leave their mother alone to be happy.
It has been six months without her and my children. It may sound strange but I have come to realise that certain things are more important in life than money, but I don’t know how to get her to even listen to me. I am a lonely man who needs his family back.
Agatha, please help me. I have forgiven her because I found out from my sister, that the date with the man I caught her with was her first and that they havent slept together. Through the efforts of my sister, she dropped the idea of filing for divorce. If there is one thing with her, she doesn’t lie.
I don’t know what to do to bring my sons and wife back. Please help me.
Zeb
Dear Zeb,
Go to her and your sons. We are all prone to making mistakes as we journey through life. The important thing about falling is our ability to rise again. Both of you have made mistakes and since you as the head of the home has come to that important place of realisation, that point when we take stock and know that we are responsible for the reactions of others around us, then solution is at hand.
Since your wife is close to your sister, get her to fix a meeting between the two of you. Even though you are willing to forgive and forget the past, there is the need for both of you to talk first. You have to know the deepness of her pains, disappointments, resentment, shame and determination to know how to approach the issue.
Don’t assume that simply because you have realised your mistakes, willing to forgive her and move your marriage on that she is keen on coming back to you.
Both of you must appreciate that for your marriage to survive its injury you must go back to the very beginning. You both need something vital and interesting from the past to navigate the future. Without the memory of your early days, even you may get to a point of regrets later down the road. Just like she has to answer the vital question of whether you are enough for her, you must answer the question of whether you will be able to delete from your memory the sight of her in another man’s arms.
Will you ever be able to trust her; beat your chest that she is with you all the way? I ask these questions not to discourage you but to make sure that you have really put this nasty experience behind you. The tragedy of asking her to come back while you are still holding her to her mistake would be too much for you, your children and marriage to bear. This is why you must exorcise completely the damage that incident did to your psychology as a man.
It is also important you get to hear from her what she intends to do with that relationship. Though it sounds out of place to discuss your wife’s other relationship with her but given the reality on ground, it is important you also get to hear from her and know where you actually stand with her. It would be dangerous for you all now to assume that she still want the same thing as you do.
Bear in mind she has suffered emotionally longer than you have done and has had more time to think of her options. It may not be easy changing her mind in a day. This is where you have to draw into the hertiage of your past. If she is right that you have never had time for her due to your work schedule, how do you plan to resolve that problem? How are you going to make out time for her now when you have never seemed to be able to do that? This is one question you must have a ready answer for before meeting her. Frankly, this is the crux of all these problems you are having in this marriage. You have to go to her with a solid arrangement to convince her that you are also willing to make the necessary sacrifice for the marriage.
One thing you must never overlook is this, a woman that has made up her mind to leave her home for another man must have given a lot of thoughts to the consequences. And for your children who are boys and your only sibling to go with her shows that she does have a point. She may be condemned for her decision but you pushed her into it.
The fact that you could delegate when you walked in on her and the other man, stayed at home for sometime after she left shows that all along you were simply using the job as an excuse to stay away from the home. It may not have been your intentions in the beginning, but over the years it actually became one for you to escape staying at home. Do you know the reason you have been running away from your home and family all these years? The knowledge is integral to the successful resolution of this issue between your family and you.
Even if you have made up your mind to leave the job, to have more time with them, you must be honest to admit why you have all these years deliberately neglected your family. Such admission would be of assistance to your wife in knowing where to pay more attention to in her appearance, home or relationship with you. It would also explain a lot of things, which until now have been a source of concern to her, like you having affairs outside the home. You will have to explain so many things to her and later to the children too.
The bottom line is that you must be ready to make extreme sacrifices while seeking this peace.
Above all, appeal to God who has all our hearts in the palms of his hands to intervene in this matter.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Until I began to read you three years ago, I held the view that columns like yours were a sheer waste of newspapers’ space. But I have since come to realise through your efforts that people like you are not just doing great jobs, but that you are very gifted in what you are doing.
I know this problem may sound strange but I am really worried and afraid of its consequences on my home and life. What more, I feel I am responsible for it.
You see I married my wife a virgin 16 years ago. I married her a very timid and respectful woman. She trained as a teacher but from the very beginning of our marriage I made it clear I wanted a full time housewife.
From that time, she has remained at home tending to the children and me. I opened a shop near the house for her when she complained she was getting too bored doing nothing.
I really didn’t need the money from her because the salary I made as a top bank executive was more than enough for us to live in comfort.
Although my job was very demanding, I sometimes come home very late when the whole household was asleep. I naively thought she understood me very well.
Once or twice she I made attempt to protest my constant absence from home, but I always shoved aside such complaints. I reasoned she had no need to grumble because every year, she and the boys always visit any country of their choice. We have three children, all boys. The eldest is 15 while the youngest is nine.
I have never denied her anything within my powers to give. We have also never had any fundamental issue in our marriage. She does as I tell her. I was very much in charge of my home. At least, so I thought.
To make matters worse, I didn’t even perceive any change in her person or attitude until one afternoon on my way to an emergency meeting in Abuja, I came home to get some few clothes for the trip.
You can imagine my shock when I walked in on my wife and her lover. Right in my living room, he was kissing her. Needless to say, I couldn’t go for the meeting. I had to call on my deputy to go in my place. If I expected her to be remorseful, I was wrong. She told me it was over. That she was tired of playing second fiddle to my work. She told me that all the years we have been married, I have never treated her as a person. That the only time I know she is a woman is when I want to sleep with her. She told me to go and marry my work.
That night she didn’t bother to sleep at home. Fortunately, the kids were in boarding school, so I didn’t have to explain the whereabouts of their mother to anybody.
For two weeks, work was the last thing on my mind. It was the longest time I had been away from my desk without being on official duty.
When news of what happened in my home got to our families, my immediate younger sister and only sibling blamed me for neglect. She told me how many times she had come to my house and found my wife weeping and complaining about my attitude towards her. She took time to remind me of how she had tried to draw my attention to what I was doing to my marriage and self but that I didn’t listen.
My children also took side with their mother. As a matter of fact, my eldest son told me I wasn’t much of a father to any of them. He said, I should marry my job and money and leave their mother alone to be happy.
It has been six months without her and my children. It may sound strange but I have come to realise that certain things are more important in life than money, but I don’t know how to get her to even listen to me. I am a lonely man who needs his family back.
Agatha, please help me. I have forgiven her because I found out from my sister, that the date with the man I caught her with was her first and that they havent slept together. Through the efforts of my sister, she dropped the idea of filing for divorce. If there is one thing with her, she doesn’t lie.
I don’t know what to do to bring my sons and wife back. Please help me.
Zeb
Dear Zeb,
Go to her and your sons. We are all prone to making mistakes as we journey through life. The important thing about falling is our ability to rise again. Both of you have made mistakes and since you as the head of the home has come to that important place of realisation, that point when we take stock and know that we are responsible for the reactions of others around us, then solution is at hand.
Since your wife is close to your sister, get her to fix a meeting between the two of you. Even though you are willing to forgive and forget the past, there is the need for both of you to talk first. You have to know the deepness of her pains, disappointments, resentment, shame and determination to know how to approach the issue.
Don’t assume that simply because you have realised your mistakes, willing to forgive her and move your marriage on that she is keen on coming back to you.
Both of you must appreciate that for your marriage to survive its injury you must go back to the very beginning. You both need something vital and interesting from the past to navigate the future. Without the memory of your early days, even you may get to a point of regrets later down the road. Just like she has to answer the vital question of whether you are enough for her, you must answer the question of whether you will be able to delete from your memory the sight of her in another man’s arms.
Will you ever be able to trust her; beat your chest that she is with you all the way? I ask these questions not to discourage you but to make sure that you have really put this nasty experience behind you. The tragedy of asking her to come back while you are still holding her to her mistake would be too much for you, your children and marriage to bear. This is why you must exorcise completely the damage that incident did to your psychology as a man.
It is also important you get to hear from her what she intends to do with that relationship. Though it sounds out of place to discuss your wife’s other relationship with her but given the reality on ground, it is important you also get to hear from her and know where you actually stand with her. It would be dangerous for you all now to assume that she still want the same thing as you do.
Bear in mind she has suffered emotionally longer than you have done and has had more time to think of her options. It may not be easy changing her mind in a day. This is where you have to draw into the hertiage of your past. If she is right that you have never had time for her due to your work schedule, how do you plan to resolve that problem? How are you going to make out time for her now when you have never seemed to be able to do that? This is one question you must have a ready answer for before meeting her. Frankly, this is the crux of all these problems you are having in this marriage. You have to go to her with a solid arrangement to convince her that you are also willing to make the necessary sacrifice for the marriage.
One thing you must never overlook is this, a woman that has made up her mind to leave her home for another man must have given a lot of thoughts to the consequences. And for your children who are boys and your only sibling to go with her shows that she does have a point. She may be condemned for her decision but you pushed her into it.
The fact that you could delegate when you walked in on her and the other man, stayed at home for sometime after she left shows that all along you were simply using the job as an excuse to stay away from the home. It may not have been your intentions in the beginning, but over the years it actually became one for you to escape staying at home. Do you know the reason you have been running away from your home and family all these years? The knowledge is integral to the successful resolution of this issue between your family and you.
Even if you have made up your mind to leave the job, to have more time with them, you must be honest to admit why you have all these years deliberately neglected your family. Such admission would be of assistance to your wife in knowing where to pay more attention to in her appearance, home or relationship with you. It would also explain a lot of things, which until now have been a source of concern to her, like you having affairs outside the home. You will have to explain so many things to her and later to the children too.
The bottom line is that you must be ready to make extreme sacrifices while seeking this peace.
Above all, appeal to God who has all our hearts in the palms of his hands to intervene in this matter.
Good luck.
Trusting him could be very dangerous…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
We have been in a relationship for about two years now, and have actually discussed marriage. Along the line, he informed me he was under pressure from his family to have a child. He said his mother is worried that at his age, he is yet to have a child. He is about 40, while I am 37.
I found it curious that his mother and sisters whom I have spoken with on phone did not pressurise him to make the formal move to marry me, but to have a child! He passed the pressure to me to get pregnant, as a condition for marrying me, after he must have confirmed that the pregnancy is his, which presupposes I haven’t been faithful to him.
As if that wasn’t enough, I also discovered he has said some very damaging, derogatory and unprintable things he has been saying about my daughter and I to someone I housed for more than two months. This made my guest to view my daughter and I as being morally bankrupt. Not only that, he also confided in this person his plan to relocate from Lagos where we both live back to our state. We are from the same state.
All the while, he made me believe he was planning to secure a better accommodation to enable my daughter and I move in with him after our marriage. Painfully, he would come and sit in my house to discuss my daughter and I in low tone with my guest without my knowledge. My source said the guest in question refused to tell him all that my supposed fiance said about me, which means I may never know the extent to which he has soiled my name.
I felt betrayed and hurt by the discovery that I meant nothing to a man who professed love to me. I never knew he would be so callous as to reveal my innermost secrets to a complete stranger, and also the shocking discovery that he had all along been lying to me about his real plans. He had nothing to say when I confronted him. I called off the affair. Now he is begging me to take him back, with the rather lame explanation that he said those things out of anger because he had information from the same person that I was unfaithful to him, which is not true. He has also not denied that he was making plans to relocate home without my knowledge. Is this somebody I can trust?
RSE.
Dear RSE,
There is a drought of trust in your relationship. Frankly, your relationship as it stands today has no substance to make it succeed beyond its current level. Your seemingly act of desperation to marry irrespective of whether the man is right for you as well as his lack of trust in your person are factors militating against the growth of your relationship. It would take more than mere promises on both of your parts to make it work. It would take honesty and determination to get this relationship back on track.
That he could reveal everything you told him about your past to your guest underlines the presence of a major flaw in your relationship before now. The truth is that in your bid to marry at all cost, you elected to ignore certain signs in his person and character. You have in the last 24 months build a dream on your own needs rather than on the viability of the relationship you are in.
Whatever the pains his obvious betrayal of your trust has caused you, time is now for you to really re-evaluate what this relationship is all about. And the first place to start is how much you know of the man you are so desperate to marry. On a scale of one to ten, how would you score your knowledge of him? Given what has happened, how much trust can you invest in him and the relationship?
Granted, he has come back to beg you but, is that enough assurance considering the damage he has done to you and your daughter? Deep down do you think you can ever bank on him to entrust certain secrets in his care in future? This is one area you should look and really consider before giving him your final answer. Can you tell how he would react to information about you from another person? Even if the information he got about you from your guest is true, there are better ways of handling such matters than sitting your guest down and passing all the information he has about you to the person.
A matured man would have confronted you with the information not engage in character assassination. The fact that he did this should make you very careful how you proceed with him. Marriage isnt just a today thing, it is a forever journey. Respect and loyalty are essential ingredients in the making of a successful union. You may succeed in getting him to walk you down the aisle, but how sure are you of getting him to stay faithful to you? Faithfulness isn’t just about him not having affairs with other women, but also in helping to preserve your dignity as the woman in his life. Even if your guest wanted to gossip about you, his willingness to also gossip about you encouraged your guest to say more.
Had he rebuffed your guest, there was no way information about your past would have been forced out of him by your guest. Honestly, this should be your real worry about coming back to him.
While you reserve the right to your decision, be sure you have what it takes to overcome the backlash. Certain things must be gotten right from the beginning of a relationship to prevent greater problems in future. If at this stage he is already giving you conditions for marriage, what do you think would happen when things don’t go as you plan? What promises does this relationship hold for you beyond your desire to be married? If you desire a happy married life, these are very important areas in your relationship you must have the boldness to discuss with him.
If he is unable to broach the matter, take the bulls by the horn by insisting on discussing them. Now that he is coming to plead with you to come back is your best time to put the relationship on the right footing. You must be resolute in finding out from him what he has against you and your daughter. Including your daughter in his tales to your friend is something you must not gloss over.
It shows a certain level of resentment against your daughter. It is important you know what his antipathy against your daughter is. It also points to the need for you and him to discuss the issue of your daughter clearly. Don’t assume he is comfortable with her coming to stay with both of you. This would inform how you proceed with him or the kind of arrangment you make for your daughter. You must know if his seemingly dislike for you has to do with the fact that you already have a child. It pays not to take things for granted. Ask him what his challenges are with you and the relationship. This step will help you get a clear picture as well as understanding into his person.
To get it right, you also need to take an introspective look at your person. Have you, at anytime, given the wrong impression about yourself to others around you? Though, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but sometimes we unwittingly give others reasons to gossip about us through the kind of lifestyle we adopt. It may no longer work for this relationship but will help guide you against similar mistake in the future.
The fact that your guest also had one or two things to say about you presents you not just as a poor judge of human character but a woman who has to be careful of the kinds of people she surrounds herself with.
Like I earlier said, the ultimate choice is yours but learn to be honest with yourself at this crucial point in your life. Rely more on the wisdom of God who sees the end from the beginning because what we think is what we want may end up being the opposite of what God desires for us.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
We have been in a relationship for about two years now, and have actually discussed marriage. Along the line, he informed me he was under pressure from his family to have a child. He said his mother is worried that at his age, he is yet to have a child. He is about 40, while I am 37.
I found it curious that his mother and sisters whom I have spoken with on phone did not pressurise him to make the formal move to marry me, but to have a child! He passed the pressure to me to get pregnant, as a condition for marrying me, after he must have confirmed that the pregnancy is his, which presupposes I haven’t been faithful to him.
As if that wasn’t enough, I also discovered he has said some very damaging, derogatory and unprintable things he has been saying about my daughter and I to someone I housed for more than two months. This made my guest to view my daughter and I as being morally bankrupt. Not only that, he also confided in this person his plan to relocate from Lagos where we both live back to our state. We are from the same state.
All the while, he made me believe he was planning to secure a better accommodation to enable my daughter and I move in with him after our marriage. Painfully, he would come and sit in my house to discuss my daughter and I in low tone with my guest without my knowledge. My source said the guest in question refused to tell him all that my supposed fiance said about me, which means I may never know the extent to which he has soiled my name.
I felt betrayed and hurt by the discovery that I meant nothing to a man who professed love to me. I never knew he would be so callous as to reveal my innermost secrets to a complete stranger, and also the shocking discovery that he had all along been lying to me about his real plans. He had nothing to say when I confronted him. I called off the affair. Now he is begging me to take him back, with the rather lame explanation that he said those things out of anger because he had information from the same person that I was unfaithful to him, which is not true. He has also not denied that he was making plans to relocate home without my knowledge. Is this somebody I can trust?
RSE.
Dear RSE,
There is a drought of trust in your relationship. Frankly, your relationship as it stands today has no substance to make it succeed beyond its current level. Your seemingly act of desperation to marry irrespective of whether the man is right for you as well as his lack of trust in your person are factors militating against the growth of your relationship. It would take more than mere promises on both of your parts to make it work. It would take honesty and determination to get this relationship back on track.
That he could reveal everything you told him about your past to your guest underlines the presence of a major flaw in your relationship before now. The truth is that in your bid to marry at all cost, you elected to ignore certain signs in his person and character. You have in the last 24 months build a dream on your own needs rather than on the viability of the relationship you are in.
Whatever the pains his obvious betrayal of your trust has caused you, time is now for you to really re-evaluate what this relationship is all about. And the first place to start is how much you know of the man you are so desperate to marry. On a scale of one to ten, how would you score your knowledge of him? Given what has happened, how much trust can you invest in him and the relationship?
Granted, he has come back to beg you but, is that enough assurance considering the damage he has done to you and your daughter? Deep down do you think you can ever bank on him to entrust certain secrets in his care in future? This is one area you should look and really consider before giving him your final answer. Can you tell how he would react to information about you from another person? Even if the information he got about you from your guest is true, there are better ways of handling such matters than sitting your guest down and passing all the information he has about you to the person.
A matured man would have confronted you with the information not engage in character assassination. The fact that he did this should make you very careful how you proceed with him. Marriage isnt just a today thing, it is a forever journey. Respect and loyalty are essential ingredients in the making of a successful union. You may succeed in getting him to walk you down the aisle, but how sure are you of getting him to stay faithful to you? Faithfulness isn’t just about him not having affairs with other women, but also in helping to preserve your dignity as the woman in his life. Even if your guest wanted to gossip about you, his willingness to also gossip about you encouraged your guest to say more.
Had he rebuffed your guest, there was no way information about your past would have been forced out of him by your guest. Honestly, this should be your real worry about coming back to him.
While you reserve the right to your decision, be sure you have what it takes to overcome the backlash. Certain things must be gotten right from the beginning of a relationship to prevent greater problems in future. If at this stage he is already giving you conditions for marriage, what do you think would happen when things don’t go as you plan? What promises does this relationship hold for you beyond your desire to be married? If you desire a happy married life, these are very important areas in your relationship you must have the boldness to discuss with him.
If he is unable to broach the matter, take the bulls by the horn by insisting on discussing them. Now that he is coming to plead with you to come back is your best time to put the relationship on the right footing. You must be resolute in finding out from him what he has against you and your daughter. Including your daughter in his tales to your friend is something you must not gloss over.
It shows a certain level of resentment against your daughter. It is important you know what his antipathy against your daughter is. It also points to the need for you and him to discuss the issue of your daughter clearly. Don’t assume he is comfortable with her coming to stay with both of you. This would inform how you proceed with him or the kind of arrangment you make for your daughter. You must know if his seemingly dislike for you has to do with the fact that you already have a child. It pays not to take things for granted. Ask him what his challenges are with you and the relationship. This step will help you get a clear picture as well as understanding into his person.
To get it right, you also need to take an introspective look at your person. Have you, at anytime, given the wrong impression about yourself to others around you? Though, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but sometimes we unwittingly give others reasons to gossip about us through the kind of lifestyle we adopt. It may no longer work for this relationship but will help guide you against similar mistake in the future.
The fact that your guest also had one or two things to say about you presents you not just as a poor judge of human character but a woman who has to be careful of the kinds of people she surrounds herself with.
Like I earlier said, the ultimate choice is yours but learn to be honest with yourself at this crucial point in your life. Rely more on the wisdom of God who sees the end from the beginning because what we think is what we want may end up being the opposite of what God desires for us.
Good luck.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Odd start in life dims my self-esteem…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a very low self-esteem despite my educational qualification. I am a graduate of Mass Communication.
From an early age, my sisters and I were given the impression by our parents that we were worth nothing; that only their male children were the real children.
While we the female children were sent to public schools, the male children who are far younger were sent to good schools with boarding facilities. We grew up with the impression of being second hand citizens.
We were forbidden to have friends, both males and females. Our routine was house to school or church and then back to the house. We were not even allowed to visit relations.
Apart from this, we were often forced by beatings to admit to something we never did. So, whenever any issue comes up and our parents accuse us, we simply admit to doing it because whether we did it or not, we would still be punished, to the extent of having injuries. Even as an adult today, the scares of those injuries are still very visible on my body.
Throughout my university days, I could not make any friend, even though
I would have loved to have a good and reliable one. So often times, I was labelled a very proud and arrogant girl. No matter how hard I tried, I could not mingle.
Now, I am out of the university and working. I find it difficult relating with people the way I should. Because of this, some people think I am arrogant while others say I am aggressive. But I know the truth of it all is that I am being hunted by a very high degree of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
I cannot look at any body straight in the eyes. I feel very shy, even though I am not an introvert, yet I am not humorous. I don’t know how to make people around me warm and laugh.
My boss had told me to be more amiable and friendly but no matter how hard I tried, it always seemed faked.
Besides this, I am a very fearful person. Any little thing scares me, makes me shiver and keeps me off balance. My boss and every other person at my office have noticed this weakness in me. Often times, I see myself as an underdog, I allow people to cheat me and go away unable to fight for my right.
Generally, I am very boring. I also think I am not very wise, smart and intelligent even though I am very beautiful.
Please I need your help, teach me to be a good and wholesome lady to everyone around me and even to my very self.
Ayo.
Dear Ayo,
There is no help anybody can render if you refuse to help yourself. If you continue to put yourself down, it is only expected that people would follow your example. You are what you say are. If you say you are worthless, unintelligent, dull and uninteresting, people will hook on to the signals you are transmitting to place you.
Deep down do you think, given the type of parents you have they would have wasted their resources on you if you weren’t intelligent or didn’t give them sufficient reasons to know they weren’t wasting their money on an unproductive investment? And do you think your boss would have kept you if he weren’t gaining anything from employing you? That he is only concerned about your disposition shows he is very satisfied with the quality of your job.
What happened has happened. The only way to change a bad past is with determined success. You must do everything within you to refocus your life from the path of hatred, low self-esteem to happiness for your sake as well as for the sake of your future children.
You must resolve to do things differently and successfully too by shunning everything that brings back those painful memories of yesteryears.
It is the only way to show your parents that they were wrong and unjust in the way they responded and treated you and your sisters as well as make them remorseful for all the things they did to you all.
What you are battling with is no longer the attitude of your parents but the memories of all the things they did to you. Your parents you can cope with by either avoiding them completely or challenging them with your success and forcing them to apologise to you and your sisters.
But you cannot confront your memories without a determination not to allow it affect the way you respond to things around you now that you are an adult. Memories are very powerful and potent so much so it can ruin success if not well managed.
The only way you can challenge these painful reminders of your past is remembering the good side of these people. Yes, the pains may be more but at least they didn’t stop you girls from acquiring an education. That you are today a graduate is a testimony of their acknowledgment of your rights as a human being. Many female children of parents like yours were never given a chance to go to school. Many of them became premature mothers even before they left their diaper years.
Be grateful that you didn’t have to struggle to get an education on your own or wife to a man you don’t love as well as mother to children you aren’t emotionally prepared or matured enough to nurture. Had any of these happened, your story could have been worse? So be grateful that your parents despite their way of thinking still saw the need to send you to school.
Perhaps if you look at their attitude from another angle, the memory of your time with them might change a little with better understanding of why they did certain things.
Their willingness to sponsor your education to the university level, even if you attended public schools, shows they were not totally indisposed to your welfare as a woman. Only a set of parents with sound educational value would sponsor their girls to school. Therefore their attitude could have been informed by other factors they were not prepared to disclose to you and your sisters.
One possibility is fear. The girl child is very delicate and the nightmare of many parents, who never cease to worry about the unexpected happening. Although, it is something they never admit to, the fear of a girl child being sexually abused or getting pregnant before her time is never far from the mind of a parent. From the beginning of creation, parents have had the challenge of how best to control and manipulate the hormonal influence on the girl child. This has led to parents and the society taking many measures, some very dehumanising, like circumcision to put the girl child under control.
Your parents may have adopted harshness and an uncaring attitude to put your sisters and you in check, a sort of measure to ensure you don’t get derailed. They used the weapon of fear to instill discipline. It is their way of ensuring you have a solid moral ground. It is the only way they know.
You may not have found it funny but if you look at your experience as the desperation of a set to ensure their girls don’t go astray, your memories won’t hurt so much.
You need to feed your mind with something positive to neutralise whatever pains your past has imprinted on your mind.
In a way, you may never completely get over the memories but giving yourself the opportunity to trust in those around you would go a long way in helping your come to terms with your past as well as the peace to be happy with who you are, those around you and your choices.
Your parents were too hampered by their own fears to trust their daughters hence their attitude. To overcome, you must learn to trust. With trust comes faith and with it come friendship and an understanding to do the impossible.
You don’t have become a social butterfly to be friendly but offering understanding and a smile could change the way a lot of people regard you. With it also comes the confidence to do the impossible.
Importantly, use whatever disadvantage of your past to build a new focus of strength for yourself. A lot of people have turned experiences like yours to their strength. God never allows anything to happen without a reason.
You are now an adult, no longer a child, hence cannot continue to blame your parents for your own decisions. You no longer have an excuse to blame your past because you are now responsible for your choices as well as the future. Very soon people around would get tired of you using your past as an excuse for your failure to do certain things. Then it wouldn’t be your parents’ problem but yours.
At this stage in your life, nobody can put you down if you don’t allow anyone to. Nobody has the right to make your decisions for you if you don’t give them the right to. You are past the age of permission and have everything in you to effect changes in your life in the areas you don’t like. You don’t have to fight to have your rights restored. By simply and politely insisting on your rights and decisions would warn people against taking liberties with you.
Yes, your parents made a lousy job of parenting you. Since then, what have you done beyond blaming your parents for your woes, to give your life the colours it deserves to be happy?
Getting rid of your fears begins with believing in yourself and your abilities as a person. You are afraid because you have failed to identify what you are good at. Recognising it would give you the confidence to terminate fear in your life.
Asking God for His reasons as well as His desires would provide you with new dreams that might help secure the understanding of parents for their female children.
Our experiences in life are always meant to build us as well as help the society become better.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have a very low self-esteem despite my educational qualification. I am a graduate of Mass Communication.
From an early age, my sisters and I were given the impression by our parents that we were worth nothing; that only their male children were the real children.
While we the female children were sent to public schools, the male children who are far younger were sent to good schools with boarding facilities. We grew up with the impression of being second hand citizens.
We were forbidden to have friends, both males and females. Our routine was house to school or church and then back to the house. We were not even allowed to visit relations.
Apart from this, we were often forced by beatings to admit to something we never did. So, whenever any issue comes up and our parents accuse us, we simply admit to doing it because whether we did it or not, we would still be punished, to the extent of having injuries. Even as an adult today, the scares of those injuries are still very visible on my body.
Throughout my university days, I could not make any friend, even though
I would have loved to have a good and reliable one. So often times, I was labelled a very proud and arrogant girl. No matter how hard I tried, I could not mingle.
Now, I am out of the university and working. I find it difficult relating with people the way I should. Because of this, some people think I am arrogant while others say I am aggressive. But I know the truth of it all is that I am being hunted by a very high degree of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
I cannot look at any body straight in the eyes. I feel very shy, even though I am not an introvert, yet I am not humorous. I don’t know how to make people around me warm and laugh.
My boss had told me to be more amiable and friendly but no matter how hard I tried, it always seemed faked.
Besides this, I am a very fearful person. Any little thing scares me, makes me shiver and keeps me off balance. My boss and every other person at my office have noticed this weakness in me. Often times, I see myself as an underdog, I allow people to cheat me and go away unable to fight for my right.
Generally, I am very boring. I also think I am not very wise, smart and intelligent even though I am very beautiful.
Please I need your help, teach me to be a good and wholesome lady to everyone around me and even to my very self.
Ayo.
Dear Ayo,
There is no help anybody can render if you refuse to help yourself. If you continue to put yourself down, it is only expected that people would follow your example. You are what you say are. If you say you are worthless, unintelligent, dull and uninteresting, people will hook on to the signals you are transmitting to place you.
Deep down do you think, given the type of parents you have they would have wasted their resources on you if you weren’t intelligent or didn’t give them sufficient reasons to know they weren’t wasting their money on an unproductive investment? And do you think your boss would have kept you if he weren’t gaining anything from employing you? That he is only concerned about your disposition shows he is very satisfied with the quality of your job.
What happened has happened. The only way to change a bad past is with determined success. You must do everything within you to refocus your life from the path of hatred, low self-esteem to happiness for your sake as well as for the sake of your future children.
You must resolve to do things differently and successfully too by shunning everything that brings back those painful memories of yesteryears.
It is the only way to show your parents that they were wrong and unjust in the way they responded and treated you and your sisters as well as make them remorseful for all the things they did to you all.
What you are battling with is no longer the attitude of your parents but the memories of all the things they did to you. Your parents you can cope with by either avoiding them completely or challenging them with your success and forcing them to apologise to you and your sisters.
But you cannot confront your memories without a determination not to allow it affect the way you respond to things around you now that you are an adult. Memories are very powerful and potent so much so it can ruin success if not well managed.
The only way you can challenge these painful reminders of your past is remembering the good side of these people. Yes, the pains may be more but at least they didn’t stop you girls from acquiring an education. That you are today a graduate is a testimony of their acknowledgment of your rights as a human being. Many female children of parents like yours were never given a chance to go to school. Many of them became premature mothers even before they left their diaper years.
Be grateful that you didn’t have to struggle to get an education on your own or wife to a man you don’t love as well as mother to children you aren’t emotionally prepared or matured enough to nurture. Had any of these happened, your story could have been worse? So be grateful that your parents despite their way of thinking still saw the need to send you to school.
Perhaps if you look at their attitude from another angle, the memory of your time with them might change a little with better understanding of why they did certain things.
Their willingness to sponsor your education to the university level, even if you attended public schools, shows they were not totally indisposed to your welfare as a woman. Only a set of parents with sound educational value would sponsor their girls to school. Therefore their attitude could have been informed by other factors they were not prepared to disclose to you and your sisters.
One possibility is fear. The girl child is very delicate and the nightmare of many parents, who never cease to worry about the unexpected happening. Although, it is something they never admit to, the fear of a girl child being sexually abused or getting pregnant before her time is never far from the mind of a parent. From the beginning of creation, parents have had the challenge of how best to control and manipulate the hormonal influence on the girl child. This has led to parents and the society taking many measures, some very dehumanising, like circumcision to put the girl child under control.
Your parents may have adopted harshness and an uncaring attitude to put your sisters and you in check, a sort of measure to ensure you don’t get derailed. They used the weapon of fear to instill discipline. It is their way of ensuring you have a solid moral ground. It is the only way they know.
You may not have found it funny but if you look at your experience as the desperation of a set to ensure their girls don’t go astray, your memories won’t hurt so much.
You need to feed your mind with something positive to neutralise whatever pains your past has imprinted on your mind.
In a way, you may never completely get over the memories but giving yourself the opportunity to trust in those around you would go a long way in helping your come to terms with your past as well as the peace to be happy with who you are, those around you and your choices.
Your parents were too hampered by their own fears to trust their daughters hence their attitude. To overcome, you must learn to trust. With trust comes faith and with it come friendship and an understanding to do the impossible.
You don’t have become a social butterfly to be friendly but offering understanding and a smile could change the way a lot of people regard you. With it also comes the confidence to do the impossible.
Importantly, use whatever disadvantage of your past to build a new focus of strength for yourself. A lot of people have turned experiences like yours to their strength. God never allows anything to happen without a reason.
You are now an adult, no longer a child, hence cannot continue to blame your parents for your own decisions. You no longer have an excuse to blame your past because you are now responsible for your choices as well as the future. Very soon people around would get tired of you using your past as an excuse for your failure to do certain things. Then it wouldn’t be your parents’ problem but yours.
At this stage in your life, nobody can put you down if you don’t allow anyone to. Nobody has the right to make your decisions for you if you don’t give them the right to. You are past the age of permission and have everything in you to effect changes in your life in the areas you don’t like. You don’t have to fight to have your rights restored. By simply and politely insisting on your rights and decisions would warn people against taking liberties with you.
Yes, your parents made a lousy job of parenting you. Since then, what have you done beyond blaming your parents for your woes, to give your life the colours it deserves to be happy?
Getting rid of your fears begins with believing in yourself and your abilities as a person. You are afraid because you have failed to identify what you are good at. Recognising it would give you the confidence to terminate fear in your life.
Asking God for His reasons as well as His desires would provide you with new dreams that might help secure the understanding of parents for their female children.
Our experiences in life are always meant to build us as well as help the society become better.
Good luck.
Virgin girl waiting for my love, but…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have known this girl for 12 years even though I live outside Nigeria and only visit occasionally.
Since knowing her, she has always maintained her claims to be a virgin. Her usual reason is fear occasioned by the attendant pains of being deflowered.
We communicate regularly, thanks to her resilience. She is the one always pushing for constant communication between us. I love her but not as much as she clearly loves me.
Sometime ago, I came back to Nigeria and called to meet with her after nine years.
I was in for a shock as her appearance has undergone some changes. Unlike the trim woman I knew the last time l saw her, she is now very fat and not in anyway beautiful. We have spent one week together and still fought over sex as she was always crying in pains. I later found out that she was telling the truth about being a virgin. I left her like that.
Now my problem is that this girl is very short and ugly, just opposite of me, and my family members don’t like her. She wanted me to promise her marriage but I don’t love her enough to make such promise. Ever since then she has been crying, even over the phone. She has kept telling me she would never be happy with another man in her life.
With her soft tone of voice and good character, I am very confused on what to do. Above all, she is kind hearted.
Confused Man.
Dear Confused Man,
Although you didn’t state your age, but if you have been abroad for 12 years, it means you are old enough to take your decision.
There is no way physical changes wouldn’t have overtaken her after all these years. Nine years are a long time. Everyday we spend on earth the human body goes through both physical and internal changes. I am sure like her your body too has undergone some physical changes. It is the beat of time, which we must all dance to.
Physical beauty doesn’t guarantee marital happiness rather those aspects of her you find irritable or aren’t sensitive to are the real ingredients behind successful relationships and marriage.
The thing is for you to first come to terms with what you really want from life albeit marriage. There is no way you would really know the woman that is good for you or capable of helping you achieve what you want without first having an idea of that thing.
Therefore ask yourself this all-important question. What kind of marriage and life have you always hoped for? What kind of woman do you think would help you achieve it? Is it a kind hearted one, the kind that is understanding, has the patience to grow you from who you are to what you want to be? The kind of woman who is tolerant and selfless, who is your friend and who would go out of her way to listen to you, give you helpful suggestions even when she is very tired and wants to sleep, the kind that places your happiness above hers?
Or is it the kind who is too busy to attend to you: is more preoccupied by her looks and fashion to remember the things that make you happy as a man?
Experience has taught many of us that we live with the character of a person and not looks. A man or woman may have all the a-class looks without having the right kind of character to make anybody happy. In the real world, character more than physical attributes is what holds the candle any day. It is what gives glow when the night is darkest and solution appears to have gone on permanent leave.
Everyman needs a good and loyal wife to be complete, to compliment his efforts as a man. Deep down, irrespective of this woman’s looks, do you think she has what it takes in terms of behaviour to give you the kind of happiness we all crave for later in life?
One thing you should always bear in mind is this, after a while some of the things we promote as being very important cease to be once we cross a particular age. This is the point where reality hits us on the head with a sledgehammer.
When a man or woman gets to that point, nothing else matters but that which is within matters.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t realise the price of things we are throwing away when we premise our choices on those things that really don’t add value to our lives at the end of the day.
This is where the frustrations and regrets so many couples experience in their marriages begin.
Whatever reservations you have against her appearance can still be managed, which is why you should really be honest with yourself. Are you leaving her because your family members don’t like her and that you consider her ugly or that you don’t love her at all? There is a huge difference between your not liking her and your family members not wanting her to be part of your life. If you truly don’t feel anything for her, explain your reasons once again to her. Remind her that it takes two to tangle and that you would have wished to marry her but what you feel for her isn’t strong enough to make her happy.
Do this because after waiting for you for 12 years, all her hopes are understandably on you. Don’t also forget the fact that she must have turned so many men down all because she thought she had a husband in you. The fact that you still met her as a virgin underscores the kind of discipline she must have exercised to stay that way.
Telling her you are no more interested would therefore take more than whatever it is you have told her to make it stick. You must find time to come back and really explain things to her. It won’t be fair to end such a long time relationship on phone. Granted it would cost you money to come back but do it for posterity and for your future peace of mind.
It might help to see how you can settle her for the time and efforts she has put into this relationship. You may think it isn’t necessary but do it to give you the spiritual freedom to move on with your life. Hell has no fury like that of a scorned woman, this is because nothing you say would make sense to her now or prevent her from taking a step she may later regret.
Though your efforts may never be enough for her to make up for the years she waited for you to be ready but it would be on record that you did your best.
Once you have done this, move on with your life irrespective of how she feels or what she says. She may not realise it now, but in later years she would definitely have reasons to be grateful you didn’t marry her when she meets the man that would always treat her with respect and like a queen.
But if you think she has all the qualities that would make you happy ignore her looks or what anybody thinks of her. Not everybody in your family is under any obligation to like her. Besides, you are old enough to know what you want. If she were morally bankrupt, you won’t meet her the way you met her.
You can always help her achieve the kind of appearance that makes you happy. Marriage is a journey of many bumps and a personal one, hence you need a partner you are comfortable with as well as whose presence in your life would make the journey interesting and happy.
Before taking the final decision, do take a total look at your life, both now and the future. Importantly, talk to God intimately on His plans for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have known this girl for 12 years even though I live outside Nigeria and only visit occasionally.
Since knowing her, she has always maintained her claims to be a virgin. Her usual reason is fear occasioned by the attendant pains of being deflowered.
We communicate regularly, thanks to her resilience. She is the one always pushing for constant communication between us. I love her but not as much as she clearly loves me.
Sometime ago, I came back to Nigeria and called to meet with her after nine years.
I was in for a shock as her appearance has undergone some changes. Unlike the trim woman I knew the last time l saw her, she is now very fat and not in anyway beautiful. We have spent one week together and still fought over sex as she was always crying in pains. I later found out that she was telling the truth about being a virgin. I left her like that.
Now my problem is that this girl is very short and ugly, just opposite of me, and my family members don’t like her. She wanted me to promise her marriage but I don’t love her enough to make such promise. Ever since then she has been crying, even over the phone. She has kept telling me she would never be happy with another man in her life.
With her soft tone of voice and good character, I am very confused on what to do. Above all, she is kind hearted.
Confused Man.
Dear Confused Man,
Although you didn’t state your age, but if you have been abroad for 12 years, it means you are old enough to take your decision.
There is no way physical changes wouldn’t have overtaken her after all these years. Nine years are a long time. Everyday we spend on earth the human body goes through both physical and internal changes. I am sure like her your body too has undergone some physical changes. It is the beat of time, which we must all dance to.
Physical beauty doesn’t guarantee marital happiness rather those aspects of her you find irritable or aren’t sensitive to are the real ingredients behind successful relationships and marriage.
The thing is for you to first come to terms with what you really want from life albeit marriage. There is no way you would really know the woman that is good for you or capable of helping you achieve what you want without first having an idea of that thing.
Therefore ask yourself this all-important question. What kind of marriage and life have you always hoped for? What kind of woman do you think would help you achieve it? Is it a kind hearted one, the kind that is understanding, has the patience to grow you from who you are to what you want to be? The kind of woman who is tolerant and selfless, who is your friend and who would go out of her way to listen to you, give you helpful suggestions even when she is very tired and wants to sleep, the kind that places your happiness above hers?
Or is it the kind who is too busy to attend to you: is more preoccupied by her looks and fashion to remember the things that make you happy as a man?
Experience has taught many of us that we live with the character of a person and not looks. A man or woman may have all the a-class looks without having the right kind of character to make anybody happy. In the real world, character more than physical attributes is what holds the candle any day. It is what gives glow when the night is darkest and solution appears to have gone on permanent leave.
Everyman needs a good and loyal wife to be complete, to compliment his efforts as a man. Deep down, irrespective of this woman’s looks, do you think she has what it takes in terms of behaviour to give you the kind of happiness we all crave for later in life?
One thing you should always bear in mind is this, after a while some of the things we promote as being very important cease to be once we cross a particular age. This is the point where reality hits us on the head with a sledgehammer.
When a man or woman gets to that point, nothing else matters but that which is within matters.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t realise the price of things we are throwing away when we premise our choices on those things that really don’t add value to our lives at the end of the day.
This is where the frustrations and regrets so many couples experience in their marriages begin.
Whatever reservations you have against her appearance can still be managed, which is why you should really be honest with yourself. Are you leaving her because your family members don’t like her and that you consider her ugly or that you don’t love her at all? There is a huge difference between your not liking her and your family members not wanting her to be part of your life. If you truly don’t feel anything for her, explain your reasons once again to her. Remind her that it takes two to tangle and that you would have wished to marry her but what you feel for her isn’t strong enough to make her happy.
Do this because after waiting for you for 12 years, all her hopes are understandably on you. Don’t also forget the fact that she must have turned so many men down all because she thought she had a husband in you. The fact that you still met her as a virgin underscores the kind of discipline she must have exercised to stay that way.
Telling her you are no more interested would therefore take more than whatever it is you have told her to make it stick. You must find time to come back and really explain things to her. It won’t be fair to end such a long time relationship on phone. Granted it would cost you money to come back but do it for posterity and for your future peace of mind.
It might help to see how you can settle her for the time and efforts she has put into this relationship. You may think it isn’t necessary but do it to give you the spiritual freedom to move on with your life. Hell has no fury like that of a scorned woman, this is because nothing you say would make sense to her now or prevent her from taking a step she may later regret.
Though your efforts may never be enough for her to make up for the years she waited for you to be ready but it would be on record that you did your best.
Once you have done this, move on with your life irrespective of how she feels or what she says. She may not realise it now, but in later years she would definitely have reasons to be grateful you didn’t marry her when she meets the man that would always treat her with respect and like a queen.
But if you think she has all the qualities that would make you happy ignore her looks or what anybody thinks of her. Not everybody in your family is under any obligation to like her. Besides, you are old enough to know what you want. If she were morally bankrupt, you won’t meet her the way you met her.
You can always help her achieve the kind of appearance that makes you happy. Marriage is a journey of many bumps and a personal one, hence you need a partner you are comfortable with as well as whose presence in your life would make the journey interesting and happy.
Before taking the final decision, do take a total look at your life, both now and the future. Importantly, talk to God intimately on His plans for you.
Good luck.
Can milk hamper ejaculation in man?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I consume milk a lot and don’t know if it is affecting my sex life. Does milk affect ejaculation in any form? Please help me. My friend has jokingly told me that it would affect my sex life.
Jacob.
Dear Jacob,
The only harm that comes from drinking milk is the extra weight you get to add if it isn’t skimmed milk.
If you have the tendency to add, ensure you take it in moderation. Life is about moderation. Obesity can be in the way of a fulfilling sex life. Once you cross a certain age, skimmed milk is the best. With it, you get to enjoy all the benefits of milk without the fat.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I consume milk a lot and don’t know if it is affecting my sex life. Does milk affect ejaculation in any form? Please help me. My friend has jokingly told me that it would affect my sex life.
Jacob.
Dear Jacob,
The only harm that comes from drinking milk is the extra weight you get to add if it isn’t skimmed milk.
If you have the tendency to add, ensure you take it in moderation. Life is about moderation. Obesity can be in the way of a fulfilling sex life. Once you cross a certain age, skimmed milk is the best. With it, you get to enjoy all the benefits of milk without the fat.
Good luck.
Must he jilt me over mum’s messy past?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the sacrifices made towards solving problem in relationship.
I am in my early 20s and completed my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few months ago. I am into a relationship that has matured for marriage. Though we intended settling down, but on the course of our courtship I told my fiancé everything about my life.
I told him that my siblings and I were born outside wedlock for different fathers. He was taken aback and confused. He told me to ask my mother who my father is and where he comes from. When I did, my mother told me that he lives in the north and married with children.
This is the bone of contention now in their family on the grounds that I will take after my mother. The fact that my elder sister is married appears not to mean anything to them. I am the second child. Agatha, does it mean I was wrong to have told him everything about me? Should I be held responsible for my mother’s choices? Is it right for me to be denied marriage to my ideal man because of these choices she made? What do I do about the whole thing?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Give it up to God. You haven’t done anything wrong in telling him the truth because honesty remains the best policy, and such a priceless commodity. At any rate, he still would have found out one way or the other, nothing is hidden under the sun. By then, he would have accused you of deliberately withholding the information from him while deceiving him into marrying you.
Chances are that you might end up not enjoying the marriage, as he would always hold it as excuse to misbehave. At least if nothing else now, you have the freedom to make another choice, the chance to be happy with a man who would accept you for who you really are and not one who isn’t ready to look beyond the substance to the chemical composition of what they see.
His attitude towards the information you gave him concerning your mother shows that he doesn’t have the kind of trust for you and the fact that he doesn’t know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing and what you can’t do. Any relationship that lacks the basic trust as its energiser cannot run for long. He must have a certain amount of trust for you and you also in him to weather successfully the storms associated with relationships and marriage. Often that not, it is not enough to recite the “I love you” slogan alone. It takes more than that to get a relationship on the road successfully. Its foundation must be concretised with plenty of trust, belief in each other’s integrity, respect as well as appreciation of the other’s person’s history to fuel it to full activation. If he wants to settle down with you, he must learn to deal with your past. Your past makes you complete and part of the person he claims to be in love with. No matter how dirty this past could be; it is what has made you the unique person you are now. Besides that, you cannot be held accountable for your mother’s experiences or decisions. You had nothing with the choice of her as your mother. God did all that and to condemn you for your relationship to your mother is to query the decision of the Almighty.
What should have been of concern to him be whether you are like your mother? Since knowing you, have you ever given him any reason to suspect you of any kind of moral duplicity? The kind that would make you break his heart along the line, make you wander from man to man? These are questions you should ask him: If he is breaking up with you over your mother’s past lifestyle or because he finds in you some unquestionable traits. His answers would be if nothing helps you know areas of your own limitations as well. It could just be the reason for this relationship as not all relationships are meant to end in marriage. At every point in our lives, God always sends a helper to show us the right path to go. It is a matter of recognising the role everyone we meet along life’s journey has been assigned to play by our creator.
What you did by telling him was to give him the choice to either stay or let you be. Don’t feel bad at all. The onus is on him to prove his love for you, to show you that he is more than matured enough to know that you and your mother aren’t the same.
If he appreciates truth in life, he would come back. But if he leaves you, don’t worry because he is only making way for your right man, the one whose bone you are to come into your life. Just lean more on God to do His work in your life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the sacrifices made towards solving problem in relationship.
I am in my early 20s and completed my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few months ago. I am into a relationship that has matured for marriage. Though we intended settling down, but on the course of our courtship I told my fiancé everything about my life.
I told him that my siblings and I were born outside wedlock for different fathers. He was taken aback and confused. He told me to ask my mother who my father is and where he comes from. When I did, my mother told me that he lives in the north and married with children.
This is the bone of contention now in their family on the grounds that I will take after my mother. The fact that my elder sister is married appears not to mean anything to them. I am the second child. Agatha, does it mean I was wrong to have told him everything about me? Should I be held responsible for my mother’s choices? Is it right for me to be denied marriage to my ideal man because of these choices she made? What do I do about the whole thing?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Give it up to God. You haven’t done anything wrong in telling him the truth because honesty remains the best policy, and such a priceless commodity. At any rate, he still would have found out one way or the other, nothing is hidden under the sun. By then, he would have accused you of deliberately withholding the information from him while deceiving him into marrying you.
Chances are that you might end up not enjoying the marriage, as he would always hold it as excuse to misbehave. At least if nothing else now, you have the freedom to make another choice, the chance to be happy with a man who would accept you for who you really are and not one who isn’t ready to look beyond the substance to the chemical composition of what they see.
His attitude towards the information you gave him concerning your mother shows that he doesn’t have the kind of trust for you and the fact that he doesn’t know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing and what you can’t do. Any relationship that lacks the basic trust as its energiser cannot run for long. He must have a certain amount of trust for you and you also in him to weather successfully the storms associated with relationships and marriage. Often that not, it is not enough to recite the “I love you” slogan alone. It takes more than that to get a relationship on the road successfully. Its foundation must be concretised with plenty of trust, belief in each other’s integrity, respect as well as appreciation of the other’s person’s history to fuel it to full activation. If he wants to settle down with you, he must learn to deal with your past. Your past makes you complete and part of the person he claims to be in love with. No matter how dirty this past could be; it is what has made you the unique person you are now. Besides that, you cannot be held accountable for your mother’s experiences or decisions. You had nothing with the choice of her as your mother. God did all that and to condemn you for your relationship to your mother is to query the decision of the Almighty.
What should have been of concern to him be whether you are like your mother? Since knowing you, have you ever given him any reason to suspect you of any kind of moral duplicity? The kind that would make you break his heart along the line, make you wander from man to man? These are questions you should ask him: If he is breaking up with you over your mother’s past lifestyle or because he finds in you some unquestionable traits. His answers would be if nothing helps you know areas of your own limitations as well. It could just be the reason for this relationship as not all relationships are meant to end in marriage. At every point in our lives, God always sends a helper to show us the right path to go. It is a matter of recognising the role everyone we meet along life’s journey has been assigned to play by our creator.
What you did by telling him was to give him the choice to either stay or let you be. Don’t feel bad at all. The onus is on him to prove his love for you, to show you that he is more than matured enough to know that you and your mother aren’t the same.
If he appreciates truth in life, he would come back. But if he leaves you, don’t worry because he is only making way for your right man, the one whose bone you are to come into your life. Just lean more on God to do His work in your life.
Good luck.
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