His ex threatens hell if he dates me…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in love with a man whom I think doesn’t feel the same way about me. He rarely calls, always claiming to be busy. I just found out that he is still dating his former girlfriend because she threatened to deal with him if he thinks of leaving her. The lady is connected in his college. He is in his final year in medical school. He says I should tolerate the situation until he graduates when he will be able to cut the bond between him and this lady. I am contemplating on forcing him to choose between the two of us because he can’t eat and still have his cake. What do you think? I am 21. He is all I want in a man; I do really love him but I want to be careful so it doesn’t appear as if I am selling myself cheap to him. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, What kind of influence does this lady have over him? Why should the fact that she is well connected and in a position to spoil things for him bother him? Not unless the information she has about him is capable of damaging his entire dream of becoming a medical doctor. If this is the case, even if he graduates from the college of medicine, this woman has the advantage of using her information to destroy him either now or in the future. The implication is; unless she is tired of him, ready to move on with another man, your boyfriend will never be free to have a life of his own. This is why you should be curious to know why he feels incapable to move on with you now. He has to take you into confidence, tell you the choices before you if you elect to endure the situation with the other woman. Make him understand that enduring the situation isn’t the big challenge for you but you knowing why you are doing it. In addition, the power the other woman seems to hold over him must be very strong for him to go back to her after approaching you for a relationship. Refusing to discuss or acknowledge it will definitely affect the quality of your relationship in the future. He simply has to learn to trust you with the nature of their relationship. As for you staying, the decision is yours to make. It is your life and your dream. While some relationships are worth fighting for, others are simply not worth it. Our experiences in life incubate patience as well as our maturity in handling of certain personal matter. At 21, what kind of experiences do you have to play second fiddle to another woman in the attention of your man? What makes you think, he has the kinds of qualities you need in a man to be happy? Have you the maturity to look past his appearance to his nature as a man? Good looks alone don’t paint a relationship with the colours of success. It takes more than the kinds of qualities you think he has to give a woman the drive to make a relationship work. One thing is non-negotiable - respect. No matter where a man is, who is with, he must at all times revere the woman in his life. If at this early stage in your relationship, he doesn’t feel the excitement to call, know how you are faring, what would happen when your relationship has developed into a pattern? This is one sign for the woman with a discerning mind to ponder on. A woman’s best days are wrapped in her relationships, when men court her attention and interest. If you are the one running around the clock to attract his attention, then you might want to consider what this relationship would feel some years down the road. No matter how busy a man gets, the thought of his new relationship overshadows everything. The fact that he gives the excuse of being busy not to call you means you are not exactly the prime person on his scale of preference. That means there is another person in his life, who occupies that important place. You therefore have the option of staying and enduring whatever you get from him or leaving him to find happiness somewhere else. Relationship is about joint ideas or dreams. He may be your ideal man, but he has to be convinced that you are his ideal lady too. That is the only time you can enjoy this relationship. Whatever you are doing now without this man sure that you are worth the risk or sacrifice, you may not get the best of him and this relationship. Like I said, the choice is ultimately yours to stay or not. Good luck.

He wants me back, just the way I need him too, but…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Long ago, I fell in love with my best friend. We were so much in love until we had a dispute. This disagreement led to our break up. I also left for Calabar that very weekend, determined to put as much distance between us. Due to the stress of what happened between us, I didn’t particularly pay attention to my body. It was until three months later, I noticed I hadn’t seen my flow. By the time I went for test, I was already about four months gone. And when I made attempts to inform him, I heard, he married the first girl he met after we broke up. Everything was too fast for me. A combination of the hurt and betrayal made me decide against coming back to Lagos or informing him about the baby. That was three years ago. Now he is in Calabar. A friend of his who moved to Calabar a year ago must have told him about us. His child attends the same school as my son. What I didn’t know is that he and the woman he married went their separate ways barely six months after their wedding and that they are now formally divorced. He is begging me to reconsider coming to him but I am involved in another relationship. Though I love him and would want to spend the rest of my life with him, I am however constrained by my relationship with this other man who has introduced me to his people as the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. Honestly, there can never be anyone like him for me but I don’t know how to go about this problem without causing anyone pains. I love the father of my child with all my whole heart. Already my son is thrilled with the idea of meeting and having his father. He has suddenly become so hostile to my boyfriend. What do I do? Hilary. Dear Hilary, This is the junction where you have to face reality in your life. You cannot be in love with one man and marry another. Sentiments won’t get you anywhere in this matter because marriage is a journey of a lifetime. You cannot afford to cut corners, sweep under the carpet issues you should tackle now. If you go ahead to marry your current boyfriend feeling the way you do about the father of your child, you would only be postponing doom’s day. No matter how deep your current boyfriend loves you, there is no way he would endure being married to a woman who doesn’t love him. Even if you pretend to love him now, the knowledge that your former boyfriend is free and available to marry you will eventually make you to become cold towards this man. Gradually, you will begin to be offended by his presence, his attitude and everything he used to do that once made you happy. At the end of the day, hate would take the place of whatever feelings you have for each other. This is why you should be bold enough now to tackle your shadow. Even if your ex didn’t show up, you still would never have been able to love him the way he deserved to be loved. You will only end up destroying this man for another woman. Free him before it is too late for another woman to redeem him; give him back his confidence as a man. He may not really appreciate your telling him the truth today, but he would eventually thank you for having the guts to end the relationship when he finds his true rib. There is nothing difficult in telling him the truth about what you feel for the father of your child. Just be very honest. The plain truth is that you haven’t really fallen out of love with your past. Let this man know that you will never be able to love another the way you love the father of your child. As for his family, they will understand that it is better to have a broken relationship than a broken marriage. In taking back your man, ensure whatever caused the initial problem is properly discussed and settled. So it doesn’t cast a permanent shadow in your relationship. Good luck.

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met the lady I am about to marry last year. She is a wonderful woman, but very stubborn. I really love and want to spend the rest of my life with her. She has met my family; they all like her but the greatest challenge I have is how to present her two and a half year old baby boy to my family. Knowing my mother, she won’t accept the fact that this lady has had a child. I know this because the lady I intended marrying three years ago also had a child from a previous relationship. Despite her contributions to my education and all that she did for my family, my mother insisted I couldn’t marry her on account of the baby she had in her previous relationship. It was very painful but there was little I could do given the fact that I desire my wife and mother to be friends. My mother’s stance on the matter is that through the child, the mother and father could get back together especially if the child is ill or has a need that requires the attention of the father. She cited the story of her elder sister who left her marriage to get back with the father of her first child. When I met my current woman, she didn’t tell me about her child, at least not for the first two months. By the time I got to know, I was already in love with her. I had no choice but to forgive her. But I didn’t tell anybody within my family about the child, not even my sisters both of whom I was very close to. Each time she is coming to our house, she leaves the baby with her mother. I have tried talking her into leaving the baby with her mother permanently, but she appears unwilling to. She says I have to learn to love her and her baby since she isn’t ready to leave the child with her mother. She also says she doesn’t care what my mother or family members think since they don’t expect her to throw the baby away simply to please them. We have debated this inside out. Now she is pregnant for me and we are planning our marriage. As a matter of fact, our wedding day is two weeks away. I shudder to think of what would happen to her and our marriage if my mother discovers she already has a child. I have also suggested giving the child back to the father if she cannot give the child to her mother. That too, she rejected. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I love my mother, she suffered so much to bring us up and I don’t want to ever hurt her. I am her only son. I am at a crossroad. Much as I love my woman, I am also wondering if I can cope with her unusual obstinate nature. Even when I pleaded with her to do it for me, at least until we have our own children and nobody can hurt her anymore, she still refused. She is even planning for the child to be present on the wedding day; she actually suggested that we use him as the pageboy. How do I resolve this issue? Please help me as I am becoming fed up with everything. Daniel. Dear Daniel, From your letter, you have told the story of what your family and wife-to-be want, but nowhere did you say what you want as a man. As the man at the centre of this whole drama, you must have a say because the issue concerns you more than anybody else. No serious minded man leaves his home to chance or the opinions of others. It is either you want the child or not. It has nothing to do with what your mother feels or your wife for that matter. Staying on the fence in a delicate matter as this won’t help you or your home. This is not a transient situation; rather it is a permanent thing. Therefore, if you are not comfortable with it from the beginning, your chances of being a good husband to the mother and worthy father to the boy are very slim. The happiness of your home is pegged on your ability to adequately perform these roles very well. Once anything limits your ability to function as a good husband and father to this child, then your decision to marry the mother becomes void. This is because his very presence in your home will continue to irritate you, causing you to react in ways that you should ordinarily not when angry. There is therefore the need for you and your intended wife to sit and discuss as truthfully as possible. Let her know precisely what you feel about the issue of her baby. As it is, you are deliberately hiding behind your mother to voice your own uneasiness with the idea of the child staying permanently with you. Your woman doesn’t know you are really the one who isn’t comfortable, hence her insistence that the child will stay with both of you. She thinks if you don’t have a problem with the child, your mother shouldn’t. Not until you come out with what you really feel, your woman will never shift grounds. Before you both make a costly mistake, one you will both end up regretting, let her know what you really feel about her child. It will help her come to a realistic decision on where to leave him until it is expedient for you to bring in the child. Life is about compromises, particularly in a marriage where two strangers are coming together to begin a family. She has to be convinced that her decision to marry you is right while she also has to assure you that she would give you the support and respect needed for you to function as the head of the home. This issue concerning where her child stays must first be tackled before your wedding day. To go into a marriage with your very opposing views would be very unfair on your marriage. The burden of your differences will be too heavy for your marriage to bear. The implication would be constant quarrels, the kind that will sooner or later wear down the fabrics of your dreams as a couple. Although the child ordinarily should not be your burden, but since you have elected to marry the mother, it is only fair that you encourage mother and child relationship. At age two and a half, returning the child to the father may not be too tidy unless the mother of the man is willing to take on the child. However, the child’s mother should have the freedom to visit whenever she likes. But you have to know why she is unwilling to let her mother to take on the child permanently. Encouraging her to talk about the child, her own mother and all the situations she has been through will at the end of the day give you a clear idea of how to intervene in this matter. Trust me, nothing good ever comes out of giving orders. She has to listen to your reasons just as you must know her reasons too. Once both of you have a common ground, it would be very easy to convince your mother about her child. It is also important not to totally dismiss your mother’s worries. Her years of experience on earth have exposed her to the kind of situations you haven’t gone through or even seen yet. No matter how annoying her stance on this matter is, give her the benefit of doubt by asking her for help. At any rate, your woman is already pregnant, so your mother cannot completely insist on you terminating the relationship. Therefore, go to her before she finds out on her own. Her reactions to your woman can still be moderated than if you both go to her with the story. Let her know that fear of how to present the subject of the child to her led to your delay in telling her. And that it wasn’t out of disrespect or mischief. Enlist the help of your sisters to confront your mother. Ignore whatever they all say; the important thing is for her to find out from you before she gets to hear about it from other sources or on the wedding day. The idea of the child featuring in the wedding train would have been the height of insult to your mother’s feelings. What is missing in this whole situation is communication. You must all be willing to talk about the subject of this child. Don’t forget that whatever decision you all take concerning this child will tell on the person he turns out to be and that this child is going to be the elder brother to all your children. For this reason, you must therefore take more interest in what becomes of him since you are marrying the mother. Good luck.

My bridesmaid stole my man on our wedding day…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Several years ago, I was disappointed on the day of my white wedding with the only man I loved. Without explaining, what my offences were, he left me standing like a fool in my wedding gown on the day I was supposed to be the happiest. Funny enough my bridesmaid, who was with me in the church, took an excuse to go urinate but never bothered to return. After two hours of waiting endlessly for the man who was supposed to wed me on that day and a bridesmaid whose disappearance I couldn’t understand, my parents took me home to nurse me back to emotional stability. I had to leave the country to stay with my elder brother. Those days were very difficult for me as there was no news from my best friend. I was getting very worried but my parents as well as hers kept assuring me she would be found. If her parents knew what happened, they didn’t say so, but they were always calling me to know if I was okay. As for my ex, I couldn’t be bothered but after five years, I ran into him by accident in London. He was in company of my former best friend and bridesmaid, married and with children. Seeing them both brought back those memories I didn’t want to remember. Although I had no way of knowing but something very deep inside of me had always known that my bridesmaid disappearance was not unconnected with my ex standing me up on our wedding day. I didn’t bother to acknowledge their presence, just walked past them. I don’t know how they found out where I stay, but they have been sending people to come and plead with me. They are actually asking for a chance to come and explain to me what happened on that day. But my mind is made up, I will never forgive both of them for causing me so much pains. Because of that incident, I have been unable to trust any man enough to fall in love. I see everyman as evil. Besides, knowing that they both left my life to be together makes it the more difficult for me to forgive them. How can I forgive the two people I loved the most in life for hurting me the way the did? Was it wrong to have introduced my boyfriend to my best friend? My brother and parents all want me to forgive them but it is impossible because I have vowed never to let go of all that they did to me. Is it wrong, my stance of not ever forgiving them? Something tells me from the attitude of my parents and siblings that they are not happy with my decision not to forgive and never to trust again. I am 32 and even if I want to forgive them, I don’t know how to let go. The pains will never go away no matter how hard I try. Semilore. Dear Semilore, There is no balm as complete and powerful as forgiveness. Without it, you and I will be nowhere. If you want to go far in life, experience happiness and love, you just have to let go of the memories of what these persons did to you. Therefore everything is wrong with your decision not to forgive. Life without forgiveness is like an empty shell because our imperfection makes us daily candidates for forgiveness. When you refuse to forgive, it makes forgiveness difficult to obtain from God and others. Besides, when one nurses bitterness against another person for too long, it becomes a cancer, which eats into that person if not controlled. Soon, the bitterness begins to reflect in the person’s attitude to everything happening around him or her. You may not know it, but the resentment in you may be reflecting in your attitude and reactions to things around you, the reason your family is asking you to let go. More often than not, it is the people around that suffer more from the attitude of a person who is unable to forgive. While friends and family may have started with sympathy but this soon turns to worry and later silent anger at the attitude of the person. In addition, your refusal to let go is blinding you to the other reasons God may not have wanted you in such a marriage. Remember, if your marriage to your ex were meant to be, nothing and nobody would have been able to come between the two of you. The fact that he stood you up on your wedding day underscores his irrelevance in your life. And one of the reasons you must make an effort to forgive him is that God allowed it to happen before you made the mistake of marrying him. What would you have done if it happened after you married him? How would you have felt discovering that your so-called best friend and your husband were having an affair right under your nose? If you look beyond your hurt and pains, you will appreciate that they actually did you a favour because he would never have been able to love or give you the kind of happiness you deserve feeling the way he felt about your friend. For him to have left you for your friend on your wedding day meant what he felt and still feels for her has deeper roots than what he felt for you. You would never have been able to cope with that kind of situation. For this reason, release them so that you too would feel the power of love. One of the many lessons life has taught me is that love can happen in very unexpected places. Terrible as the decision of these two people appear to be, see it as one of those things that give character to our persons. Without such life changing experiences, our personal history books will be devoid of occurrences that will either help inspire others or pull them out of emotionally troubled waters. Our experiences are solution incubators for others to learn and grow from. Granted, yours was painful and dehumanising. However the truth is, you don’t have the patent for it. Some men and women have gone through similar situations and are today happy for such timely intervention by God. Have you ever considered that fact if you both had ended as an item, one of you might have gone before today? Remember, God doesn’t do anything without a reason. He is the only one that sees the end from the beginning. No matter what you feel, how painful and hurtful, submit yourself to the supremacy of God. This way, it would be easier for you to forgive this couple. The reason the memory remains fresh is your refusal to let go. If you had accepted offers to date other men, you would have since gotten over the emotional pains of being left standing on the altar. At 32, your biological clock is ticking, it is oblivious of whatever pains you are going through. By refusing to date another man, you are denying yourself with each the day you spend on the same spot the opportunity of being happy and of becoming a mother too. Of what use is your refusal to move on? The two people who hurt you are happy with each other and have children to show for it. Even if you silently thought he would one day come back to you, shouldn’t the fact that they are married with a family of their own enough reason for you to move on? You are unable to forgive because you have refused to let go. Once you make that vital decision, you will find that forgiveness is very easy. It is a simple matter of allowing yourself the freedom to exist in the shadows of God, of surrendering your life to Him as well as trusting in Him implicitly. The danger of not surrendering to the will of God is to stagnate the hands of God in your life. Once you allow yourself to live again, trust in love and experience once again the comfort of being in love, you will forget all these. It is a matter of having the right attitude towards life. Regard whatever happened that day as a closed chapter in your life. It is time for you to take stock, what were the things you ignored, didn’t count important in that relationship? The incident that led to you being left in the altar didn’t begin that day; you just didn’t bother to take on the signs. By reviewing your mistakes as a person, you are helping yourself become better to take on the challenge of a new relationship. For reasons best known to God, you needed this incident to effect some changes in your life and attitude. Only a free and willing heart can embrace the inherent lesson here. When next a man comes, submit the desires of his interest to God; leaving Him to do what He knows how to do best. I am sure several years down the road you will have reasons to thank God for your narrow escape. Good luck.

Six years’ widowhood, no love relationship

with Agatha Edo08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a young widow; have been one for six years. Painfully and strangely, in all these years I have been widowed, no man has come close to asking me out; let alone a relationship with me. It isn’t as if I am ugly; by every standard and without sounding immodest, I am pretty. I am so confused about this. I am too young to be on my own; I need a man in my life but I sincerely lack knowledge of how to go about resolving my problem. Please, Agatha, tell me how to handle this issue, which is slowly killing me as a woman. Confused Widow. Dear Confused Widow, In our society there are so many myths and clouds of doubts surrounding widows especially if the man died under mysterious circumstances. In this part of the world, a man doesn’t just die without his wife knowing the cause of his death. Unfortunate as it is, widowhood in this part of the world is a curse particularly for the young woman who has ambition to remarry again. Even if a man really wants to be part of the woman’s life, his family and friends will never allow him be for the simple reason that the woman may have killed her husband to get his property or buy herself freedom from a bad marriage. It is always a woman’s fault when her husband dies. In your case, it appears that there is more to your story. If for six years, no man is coming near you, then something is very wrong somewhere. The time has come for you to move on, change your location to a place nobody knows about your story or the kind of death your late husband died from. But before you do this, be sincere to yourself. Face the truth about his death, your relationship with his people and the attitude of even those close to you during his death as well as after. If the consensus is that you are guilty, what makes people think you are guilty so much so there seems to be an unspoken order to men not to approach you for a relationship? Did you at anytime commit any social act that people think is responsible for the death of your husband? To move forward and be completely free of all that you have been through, take an introspective look into your life with a view of making peace with God. When things become this complicated as well as confusing, there is only one place to go. He knows and sees everything. Once you make peace with Him, it becomes easy for you to move on with your life. Whatever it is that is stalling your happiness, making it impossible for another man to appreciate you as a woman, has to be removed by God to open your face up to the appreciation of other men. Ask Him to send you to a pastor who He has prepared to conduct a deliverance session for you. Sincerely, your story and situation go beyond the ordinary. Something somewhere is holding things up for you and unless it is cleared, you may end up completely frustrated. This is why you must be truthful and alert to the spirit of God within you because that is the only way for you to move on. Changing your environment will help you set new goals for yourself. It will give you a new lease of life, the liberty to dream again. Because life is a big school and our experiences, the examination that takes us to the next classroom, you must be prepared to learn from all your past experiences to make your next attempt at being happy achievable. Sometimes, the things we count as unimportant are those things that stand against us in our times of trial and battles. You may have said one or two things in a moment of heated exchange of words with your late husband that is today working against you. A wholesome character comes from care and sensitivity to the feelings of those around us. African society is the kind where anything done or said can be amplified to mean so many things when something goes wrong. A wife must therefore be careful of the kind of attitude she puts up when having issues with her husband. The delicate and frail nature of life means that we treat every moment we have with loved ones with absolute care to avoid unwittingly branding ourselves with names that do not reflect our true nature. Only a complete change of environment would offer you the kind of clean platform to begin life all over again. When a man wants a woman, her appearance isn’t always what he is looking for but her character is what he is looking into. A woman may wear the Miss World crown; if she lacks the right character to go with it, an ugly-looking woman with a flawless character is more likely to get a good husband than she does. Therefore, it isn’t just about your pretty face but about your character as well as the spiritual freedom to progress from the point you are in. Good luck.

My children disapprove of my remarrying at 50

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will be 50 this year. I have been divorced for over 20 years and I have four children. I had three for my ex- husband while my last child came from an affair I had with someone else. The father of my last child was very much interested in marrying me but I didn’t love him enough to be his second wife. Besides, I didn’t want to be involved with the hassles of struggling for a man with another woman. I had enough marital problems from my previous marriage. The decision to remain single was also taken to give me time to invest in my children’s welfare. I didn’t want to lose them too which in my views would happen if I had married at that time. My first and second children are married. The third one is in her third year in the higher institution while my baby is about to write her Senior Secondary School examinations. Without knowing it, I am almost alone. In the last four years, I have been in a relationship with a widower who is interested in marrying me. With all of them almost out of the house, I decided to give matrimony a trial once again. I cannot stand the idea of staying alone. Rather than my children to be happy for me, they are all angry with me. My two married daughters are dismissing my reason for wanting to get married saying being a grandmother is enough work on its own; that I can always rotate visiting them. They further argued that they indeed need me more than before to look after their children and that at my age, I am too old to marry. Even though my two younger children are not so vocal but they have to stand with their elder sisters in solidarity. My younger sisters all support my move and have told my children to allow me be. How selfish can children be? Can you imagine my second daughter asking me what I need a man for at my age? Am I too old to have feelings anymore simply because I have reached menopause? After devoting my life to them, they are not ready to allow me be. I love them; they are all I have and live for but I also need to move on. At my age, I need companionship; what do they expect me to do when I need the comfort of a man? Is it wrong to crave for happiness again? Their father, since leaving us, has remarried. His only contribution to their lives was coming on the day of their native and white wedding ceremonies to play his role as father of the brides. I have shouldered single-handedly all their responsibilities. All I am asking from them is their understanding. I want to be a woman all over again. Is it too much to ask? What do these children want from me? I am very hurt, Agatha. Help me deal with this challenge because I am saddened by their attitude and meanness towards me. Theresa. Dear Theresa, At 50, you are more than ripe to make your decisions. You don’t need their permission to be happy in life. Children, by nature, are very selfish especially when their parents are separated. They usually cling to the parent they are with, refusing to grant the parent any freedom to chart a life of his or her own. They see any attempt by the parent to have a life with another person as shutting them out permanently. It is usually a very difficult and emotional time for the parent whose emotional needs also must be satisfied. That is why some parents rush into other relationships or marriages once they obtain freedom from a previous marriage. The reason is to prevent a battle of monopoly in later years. Mostly, they are reacting to the fear of complete abandonment by their two parents. Irritating and absurd as this may sound, your children are afraid that allowing another man into your life means they will become irrelevant in your life and their movement in and out of your life will be restricted because they now have to knock on doors, they never had reason to knock on before entering. It is obvious that you still need to make them understand some basic facts about life, especially the two of them that are married. They are the ones that you have to work on the most. Like you said, the younger ones may not think anything of you remarrying as long as it doesn’t affect their access to you or pocket money, the only ones on the other hand want you entirely for the sake of their own children.If you remain single, it will be a lot easier for them to dump their children on you anytime; the only kind of company they reason you would need at your age. Without your undivided attention focused on them only, they are afraid you may come up with excuses as to why you cannot have the grandchildren at a particular time. This is why the older ones are more infuriated at the idea of you remarrying. Normally as women, they should be the ones campaigning for you to remarry considering how lonely it would be for you now that they are all almost out of the house. Like my mother once said, if a mother isn’t careful or wise, she would end up being her children’s unpaid as well as unofficial house-help. They are being both malicious and mischievous if they say they don’t need a man at your age or that you are too old. The third semester of a person’s life could be the loneliest particularly if that person is single. It is the time of an adult’s life when companionship is most desired because the children are all leaving to start their own families. What do they expect you to do? Call them for a private meeting with you. The meeting is not to plead with them about your decision but to ask them what you have done wrong to them to deserve their opposition to your decision to be happy. Perhaps the time has come for you to tell them how you managed all these years to stay sane emotionally. Let them know what it cost you to stay alone for their sakes. Tell them if you had intended to abandon them, it would have been in your younger years. Make it clear to them that you may have attained the wisdom age but you are not without feelings as a woman. And to brand you old and worthless as a woman is unpardonable. This is no time to massage whatever ego or right they think they have over your life. As a mother and parent, you haven’t given them any reason to be ashamed but now that they are passing out of your home, the time has come for you to drag the woman in you out of the cupboard of time where you have kept her. Demand to know from them if they would have tried to stop you if you were a man.End it by asking how they would feel if each time they come for visits with their children, they meet a different man in your bedroom? Let them chew on that possibility for a while. They don’t have to apologise now but eventually when they see you are determined to go ahead with your decision; they will eventually come around to your way of thinking. But, you must ensure the man you are marrying is the kind of father figure they need. Their resentment is a clear indication that deep down they haven’t really gotten over the issue of their father and you. They are really scared that they would lose you too as they did their father once he got himself another woman. Ensure the man is the kind that can bring all of them together, has the maturity to overlook their initial response to him. His interest in them would make it easy for you to function in your roles as grandmother and mother to both your children and his. By doing the very things they fear you may not be able to do for them once married, will make them thaw towards you and your husband faster than anything else. Encourage him to stop by in their houses to greet them without you. If he understands all the issues involved, he will know the politics of ensuring harmony in all your lives. Involving his children too in this integration plan will indeed help smoothen things better. The young have a way of communicating to each other better than when older people try to talk to them. Above all, just give yourself up to the will of God. Good luck.

He wants me back after his mother died…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need your help urgently. Nine years ago, my husband and his mother drove me out of the house without giving me a valid explanation for their actions. Then I was six months pregnant. This fact didn’t bother my husband at all. In addition to being pregnant, my daughter was just two years old. I didn’t know what to do because we were living then in Jos while my parents were living in Lagos. I didn’t have too many friends, so was stranded for two weeks. We were sleeping in my shop in the market. Fortunately, the market leader got to know of my plight. After listening to my story, he alongside his executive members went to plead with my husband and his mother; citing the case of my suffering child as well as my pregnancy as a reason for both of them to allow me come back home. They told him whatever my offence was he should temper justice with mercy. He didn’t tell them what I had done besides the fact that his mother found out I was a witch stealing his glory and good luck. In the presence of those who came to plead with him, he began to beat me. This action of his got them very angry. There and then, they vowed to help me. When we got to the market, they asked if I wanted to continue to stay in Jos or go back to my people. I elected to go back to my parents who were very worried about me since a friend called them to inform them of what I was facing. Through the friend, they asked me to come back home, and even sent money for my transportation. That day, my fellow traders and my customers who got wind of my plight, gathered as much as N1 million for me, paid my airfares to Lagos. They told me to begin life anew in Lagos. I cried all the way to Lagos because of their unusual gesture as well as the life I was leaving behind. When I got to Lagos, my parents who were preparing to relocate to Ibadan urged me to go with them. They were both retired and finding life in Lagos too tiresome. They wanted something quiet. They rented out their house and we all went to Ibadan. At Ibadan, they built a huge shop for me in front of the house. I not only began selling provisions but also used part of it as my factory. I was good in soap and pomade making. The instant success of my venture made up for my marital loss. I gave birth to a baby boy, the replica of the father. I didn’t hear anything from him at all. Efforts by my father who unknown to me until recently went to see him in Jos when I gave birth didn’t yield any result. His mother told my father that they are not interested in the children of a witch; by then my father said another woman was already in his house. Being their only daughter, they resisted and my elder brothers resisted my decision to rent an apartment. My parents pleaded with me to stay with them. Since our family house was big, they converted part of it to a three bedroom flat for me, to give me my privacy. I refused every attempt to match me up with any man. My children were my world. Besides, deep down, I haven’t really fallen out of love with my husband. Something kept telling me his mother was using a power beyond him to becloud his mind. Until the incident that sent me out of his house, he has always been loving and very protective of me, never seeing, eye to eye with his mother and sisters on issues concerning me. For him to have agreed to his mother’s treatment of me in my state then not only baffled me but also told me there was something very wrong. Although my parents and brothers all condemned him, I didn’t for one day. Perhaps that informed my decision to turn down every man that came my way. Sometime last week, just as I have always prayed, he, through a mutual friend got my address and came looking for me. My parents drove him away, but through that friend, we got talking on the phone. Two days later, I went to see him. I found that his mother died two weeks earlier. According to him, he realised that I wasn’t home when his mother died. It was our neighbours that told him that I have been out of his house and life for years. When he got to my shop in the market, he got to hear more of what he had done to me. The bottom line is that he has driven away the strange woman in his house with her two children and he now wants me back. Although the whole story sounds strange but I know he is telling the truth. Even my parents’ pastor, I told the story say it is true and that I should go back to him. But the problems now are my parents and siblings. How do I handle them? I love them so much, hence don’t want to do anything that will hurt them, because without them, there is no way I would have coped these past years. Besides, I have made such a great success of my business; I don’t see myself going back to live in Jos especially against the religious crisis going on there. What do I do? Taiye. Dear Taiye, Sincerely, there is no way you can do this on your own. You must involve your family in your reconciliation bid with your husband. There is no way they would easily give their consent without first being sure of what awaits you back there. Don’t forget that the issue of another woman having children for him. This is one complication you never had before. Your parents would naturally want to know how he intends to proceed from there. You may be old enough to take a decision, but you remain their daughter and sister. They were there for you all these years, and without their support you may not be alive for your husband to come to. What if they didn’t take you back when you didn’t have anywhere to go? Being pregnant and without care could have taken away your life. Even if you don’t like what they would say or do, it is their right to be involved in this process of reconciliation. Always remember they want the best for you at all times. So, listen to them; they mean well and would ultimately allow your decision at the end of the day. For this reason, you must find ways of engaging your parents in a dialogue on this issue. Thank goodness, the pastor you went to is theirs. It makes the task of getting them to see and listen to him very easy. It is a simple matter of you asking him to speak with your parents on your behalf. He is the only one that can convince them that your husband was under some sort of spiritual influences when he drove you out of the house. The fact that he came to his senses only after his mother’s died is an indication that he really might not have known all he did back then. Also, you need to be sure about his attitude to the other woman and her children. Whether he did it under spiritual influence or not, that woman has children for him. Under our legal system, spiritual matters don’t count. Find out from his family members if there was anything legal between the two of them; if he married her under our native laws and customs, she is his wife under our customary law. How are you going to cope with this woman and her children? He may be stubborn now, refusing to face reality concerning the mess his mother has made of his life, but the issue of this woman and her children cannot be swept under the carpet. They will always come between you and complete happiness in your marriage. This is the best time for you to reflect on this challenge with a view of tackling it alongside your decision to go back. Difficult as this may sound, insist on hearing what plans he has for the children of this other woman to avoid problems for your children later in life. His mother may be dead but this woman as well as her children are living, and in pure reality, they are just as capable of invoking the same powers your mother-in-law used, in getting your husband to drive you out of the house. For this reason, you must be proactive and very realistic on what you have to do. If need be, insist your husband gives them monthly allowances in addition to taking care of their education. Once he is able to do this, he gives them no reason to be overtly aggressive towards you. Although they will still complain but it won’t be to the dimension of what they would have said if nothing is being given them to survive. As for your business and preference for your current location, it is normal. Having lived here for all these years, there is no doubting the fact you feel secured in this place. Discuss with your man. Communicate your fears, dreams and reason for wanting to stay in Ibadan. Apart from the crisis in Jos, I am not also sure he would want you to return to the same house or environment that witnessed your shame as well as his. You also need the presence of God in your life to be able to make a huge success of this marriage. Get closer to God. You need Him now more than ever before. Good luck.

My husband hit below my sexual need…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been trying so hard to resist going out of my matrimonial home to have an affair, but the truth is I am only postponing the inevitable. For the two years I have been married, my husband hasn’t been able to satisfy my sexual urge. It is so bad that I have taken to self-ministration just to maintain some emotional equilibrium in my marriage. The worst thing is that I cannot discuss the issue with him because he has the prim and proper attitude, which makes any discussion about sex prohibited. We were sexually active before we got married, but because he was always never around as a bank manager, I didn’t have reasons to complain. Besides at 38 then, I was desperate, didn’t have too many choices and thought I would be able to change him along the line. But two years into our marriage it doesn’t appear as if I can continue to cope with him. I am a full-blown woman with needs. Some friends I spoke with said, this is no longer an issue these days; that there are a dozen men willing to give me the kind of satisfaction I want. Besides, I recently ran into an old flame that appears very disposed to helping me solve this problem. However, I am scared that if I am found out, he will throw me out of the house. He can be very cruel when he wants to be but can also be very caring which is what he has been to me since we got married. He won’t hesitate to take away my baby if he has to. I was really lucky finding him when I did which is the reason I am so confused. Much as I want to keep my home, my body needs the balm of a good sex life to stay happy. Am I asking for too much? What if the man I find decides to blackmail me after? One of the men my friends found for me is actually a young man struggling to make ends meet. His job is to help me stay happy while I provide funds for him to make his life better. The money isn’t the issue since I can always get my husband to increase my housekeeping money, but what if he turns around to blackmail me for more money later? I am terrified of the implications if my husband ever finds out I haven’t just been unfaithful to him but has been using his money too to finance my affair. Please help me. Ada. Dear Ada, You can have a fulfilling sex life without having an affair or depending on self-ministration to get it right. All that is required is for you to use more of your imagination. Begin by accessing your husband’s maximum and minimum ability. Since meeting him, what has been his best so far as well as his low points? During those times he came close to your expectation, what brought on the mood? There is no way you can make him better if you don’t know how to engineer his relaxation. As a bank manager, there is no contesting the fact that stress and worries associated with keeping his job will at the end of the day affect his state of mind. If all he worries about is how to ensure he meets his target as manager as well as maintain his family, his libido will certainly be affected. Worries and sex don’t go together. A man that is always worried will never make a good lover. As his wife, you will need to do more to drag him out of his worry zone once he is with you. His performance before he married you might be better than it is now, because then, he didn’t have to add a wife and child to his worry list. Then it was just him; now he has you and the baby to think of, hence the more reason for him to put in his all to ensure he keeps his job. This is why you must use your imagination to find ways of helping him relax and appreciate your presence in his life. You have to use tact and your womanly instinct to help him function better. A lot would depend on the kind of approach you adopt. There is no way he is going to dismiss complaints about sexual satisfaction if you employ wit and open understanding in bringing up the issue. He would naturally become offended if you make it sound as if you sound critical of him as a man. No man can put up with his wife or woman telling him he isn’t man enough to make her feel like a woman. The usual conclusion would be that the woman has been messing around. The trick here is to take the lead. For now don’t give him a clue about what you feel each time he makes love to you. You will be putting him on guard and very suspicious of your motive if you say anything to him. Begin your night of seduction by cooking his favourite meal. Even if he is tough and unromantic, his choice food will do the magic. It will take him down to a time he cherishes the most; that time he made the decision to make this meal his preferred. More often than not, our favourite choices come from pleasant memories of a time past. By tapping into that, you bring back long forgotten memories of a time he was carefree, happy and without a burden. If he still has a mother, going to her, to help you gather memorials of his growing up years may do the trick. Preparing his mother’s favourite meals for him may just be what you need to gain access into his heart forever. By the time you are through with the food, using information from his mother or sibling, talk about his cherished topics; the film he liked the most when he was younger, his first date and all the wonderful things about his parents and family. Use good music to remind him of how good it is to relax. By talking to him about the past, you gradually take him to a time before his bank job as well as all the complications that go with it. By the time you are both ready to sleep, his mind will be relaxed enough to allow you take the lead. Adding an adult film the next time will further enhance your previous effort. Even for couples that have found a good harmony, they still need tits and bits of exciting new ideas to keep their nest fresh. Use your knowledge of sex to help him relax. Give him a total package of what you know; beginning from his scalp to the sole of his feet. The motive is to imprint in his mind the moment and message of love. If you are good at it, you will have succeeded in creating a new world for both of you and for him specifically. He may not have had a woman in his adult life, who has had anything to do with giving him some basic lessons on how to please a woman. As long as you are sure of what you want, and you are not shy in drawing it out of him, your love life will experience tremendous changes. Lots of men assume that pleasing a woman begins and ends with her capture. By using actions rather than words, you will be communicating your needs to him effortlessly. This method in addition to enhancing your love life, will also improve your personal relationship with your husband. A man who works as hard as your husband needs a friend and companion at home to help him unwind. Be the friend he needs. It will also help you to know him better than you currently do. If protecting his home is cruelty, then all men are so. This is no news. As a matter of fact, you are the one who is cruel in this marriage. Remember you refused to complain before marriage simply on account of your desperation to marry, so it would amount to wickedness for you to now make it an issue in your marriage to the point of contemplating using his money to fund your extra-marital affairs. Ignore all those friends that are urging you towards having an affair outside your home. At the end of the day, you will be the fool if you take to their counsel. A man willing to sleep with a married woman for money will think nothing of reporting such woman to her husband if she fails to pay him whatever fee he demands for his service. And, what makes you sure your friends are really out to help you? For all you know, they may be aiding the destruction of your home to give them access to your husband. No good friend tells her friend to engage in extra-marital affairs, so be careful with these kinds of friends. If you are wise, quietly delete them from your life. In addition, stop sharing the intimacy of you and your husband with friends. It is a habit that might get you into trouble if told to the wrong kinds of friends. Besides, if you think of the shame of being thrown out of your home if caught, you won’t even think of betraying your marital vows. Just submit everything concerning your home to God. It is essential you do this. Good luck.

My younger daughter is pregnant for her sister’s husband

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626



Dear Agatha,
There is fire burning in my house. As a matter of fact, my husband has sent me out of my home because of it. I’m currently staying with a friend. I have two daughters; the first one got married about five years ago and is yet to have a child.
When my second daughter finished her National Youth Service, I urged her to go and keep her sister company until she gets a job. When after a year, she still couldn’t secure a job, her elder sister decided she should begin to trade. She gave her the initial capital with which she traveled to Dubai to buy things.
My first daughter’s job as an external auditor was a demanding one, which sometimes took her out of the home for more than a week. Her husband met her on the job hence didn’t complain. To help her manage her home, she had a house-help. At one point, the younger sister was always complaining about the house-help and her sister was forced to ask the girl to go for peace sake as well as respect for her sister.
However, my husband after listening to the house-help demanded that I should immediately order my younger daughter to leave her sister’s house. I objected and demanded from my husband why she should be the one to leave. He told me what the house-help said but I objected and instead accused the house-help of trying to destroy my daughter’s house.
The house-help told my husband that my younger daughter and her sister’s husband were having an affair. I didn’t bother to investigate and actually fought my husband when he went to our daughter’s house to demand the return of the younger sister. With my support, the younger sister stayed on especially as neither my husband or me was ready to explain our reasons to our elder daughter.
I really don’t know what happened but my younger daughter became pregnant and didn’t bother to inform anybody until her elder sister coincidentally saw the result of her pregnancy test.
According to my elder daughter, in the process of her trying to find out who her mystery boyfriend is, since the one she knows is outside the country, she became very rude to the elder sister. Somehow, it led to them exchanging words which eventually ended in the elder one slapping the younger one.
It was during this heated exchange that the younger one told the elder sister, not to ever try it as they were now mates. It was at that point she told the sister that she was pregnant for her husband.
But for the timely intervention of neighbours, only God knows what would have happened.
By the time my husband and I got there on the orders of our elder daughter, her husband too had come home. He too didn’t know how to handle the mess he created.
My offense in the whole matter was insisting that the younger daughter be allowed to give birth instead of aborting the pregnancy as my husband and other family members are insisting. As a matter of fact, the mother-in-law of my daughter said she would rather die without seeing the child of her son than allow my younger daughter give birth to the child. She said in their place in Edo State, it was a big taboo for a man to sleep with two sisters.
Her stance coupled with my husband’s earlier warning made him conclude I was privy to my younger daughter’s decision to sleep with the husband of her elder sister.
For this reason, I have been sent packing while my younger daughter too has also been sent out of her sister’s house.
My pleas to my husband to understand that as a mother, I simply wanted the best for my daughters, fell on deaf ears. I reasoned that if the elder daughter is unable to have children in that family and the younger one is able, it was better than a complete stranger coming to take over her home. Besides, who can query God in all these? That child didn’t happen without His knowledge so why kill it simply because the women are sisters? If another woman had been involved, would the discussion be on her aborting the pregnancy? They are my daughters, so I should be the one crying the more.
I am really confused on how to proceed from here. Besides I want to go back to my husband’s house. I miss not being with him.
Bisoye.

Dear Bisoye,
Granted, we are never in any position to query God but, as the mother of the two women, wisdom demands discretion in the handling of this kind of very sensitive matter among your daughters.
Even if you didn’t want your younger daughter to abort the pregnancy, there are ways of saying it without making it appear you approve of the abomination she has committed. To say openly that what she has done is the will of God is to send out a wrong signal to your elder daughter, your husband as well as other family members that you deliberately encouraged your younger daughter to seduce her sister’s husband.
There is no way you can, from your action and utterances, wash yourself clean of this smear your younger daughter’s behaviour has dabbed on you. As a mother, the onus is on you to solve this problem your apathy is currently causing in your family.
No matter what you thought of the utterances of the house-help, you should have followed your husband’s advice by investigating what the house-help said. Although, your younger daughter wouldn’t have admitted to sleeping with her sister’s husband but, you should have told her to come back home like your husband suggested.
Doubtless, it may not have ended their relationship but it would have truncated the freedom and confidentiality living together under the same roof gave both of them. It would have helped you keep a tab on the movement of your daughter as well as remind her that the man she is sleeping with is her sister’s husband. Cocooned in the same house with the man, toned down whatever sense of loyalty she felt towards her sister.
The truth is that nothing you say or do will change what has happened. What matters the most is how to proceed from here. The first thing is for you to reconcile with your first daughter who naturally will feel betrayed by your insistence that her sister keeps the pregnancy. If she is insisting on her sister aborting the pregnancy, it is within her rights to make such demands because to her the presence of the child will keep the memory of her pains evergreen. The best you can do for this woman is to keep your second daughter and her expected child as far away from your eldest daughter, as possible.
The fact that she is yet to have a child of her own is bound to make her feel worse than she would ordinarily have felt. Honestly, it would have been better if it was another woman that betrayed her; at least she would have you and her sister to support her in her pains. But her sister? Who is to comfort her? Who else is she to trust? You as her mother is now torn between the two of them so it makes her more alone and lonely than ever before.
Even if her sister leaves; what about the child? That child will forever remind her of this moment. By taking the child, you give your children the chance to continue with their lives.
For now, don’t try to reconcile them because the pains of betrayal is still too deep and things might be said that will be impossible for either of them to take back. If your second daughter can afford it, let her relocate from the country. It would be in her best interest since the news that she slept and had a baby for her sister’s husband will continue to haunt her everywhere she goes. It is one stigma that will never leave her or your family. But time will eventually mellow the pains of this betrayal especially if she gets pregnant and begin to have her own babies.
To hope that the two women will be as loving as they were before this incident is to hope for too much. It is one of the sacrifices you have to pay for failing to act when you should.
As for your husband, send emissaries to him to beg him and to assure him that you are innocent of supporting your younger daughter to destroy her elder sister’s home. Your husband’s disappointment and pains come from your refusal to heed his order that your younger daughter comes back home. He is waiting to see how you will resolve this problem. As soon as he is convinced of your efforts, he will change his mind.
Above all, ask for the help of God to right all the wrong of this situation.
Good luck.


My husband does not satisfy my sexual urge
Dear Agatha,
I have been trying so hard to resist going out of my matrimonial home to have an affair but the truth is I am only postponing the inevitable. For the two years I have been married, my husband hasn’t been able to satisfy my sexual urge. It is so bad that I have taken to self-ministration just to maintain some emotional equilibrium in my marriage.
The worst thing is that I cannot discuss the issue with him because he has the prim and propder attitude which makes any discussion about sex prohibited.
We were sexually active before we got married but because he was always never around as a bank manager, I didn’t have reasons to complain. Besides at 38 then, I was desperate, didn’t have too many choices and thought I would be able to change him along the line.
But two years into our marriage it doesn’t appear as if I can continue to cope with him. I am a full blown woman with needs. Some friends I spoke with said, this is no longer an issue these days; that there are a dozen men willing to give me the kind of satisfaction I want. Besides, I recently ran into an old flame who appears very disposed to helping me solve this problem.
However, I am scared that if I am found out, he will throw me out of the house. He can be very cruel when he wants to be but can also be very caring which is what he has been to me since we got married. He won’t hesitate to take away my baby if he has to. I was really lucky finding him when I did which is the reason I am so confused.
Much as I want to keep my home, my body needs the balm of a good sex life to stay happy. Am I asking for too much? What if the man I find decides to blackmail me after? One of the men my friends found for me is actually a young man struggling to make ends meet. His job is to help me stay happy while I provide funds for him to make his life better. The money isn’t the issue since I can always get my husband to increase my house-keeping money but, what if he turns around to blackmail me for more money later? I am terrified of the implications if my husband ever finds out I haven’t just been unfaithful to him but has been using his money too to finance my affair.
Please help me.
Ada.


Dear Ada,
You can have a fulfilling sex life without having an affair or depending on self-ministration to get it right. All that is required is for you to use more of your imagination.
Begin by accessing your husband’s maximum and minimum ability. Since meeting him, what has been his best so far as well as his low points? During those times he came close to your expectation, what brought on the mood? There is no way you can make him better if you don’t know how to engineer his relaxation. As a bank manager, there is no contesting the fact that stress and worries associated with keeping his job will at the end of the day affect his state of mind. If all he worries about is how to ensure he meets his target as manager as well as maintain his family, his libido will certainly be affected.
Worries and sex don’t go together. A man that is always worried will never make a good lover. As his wife, you will need to do more to drag him out of his worry zone once he is with you. His performance before he married you might be better than it is now because then, he didn’t have to add a wife and child to his worry list. Then it was just him; now he has you and the baby to think of hence, the more reason for him to put in his all to ensure he keeps his job.
This is why you must use your imagination to find ways of helping him relax and appreciate your presence in his life. You have to use tact and your womanly instinct to help him function better.
A lot would depend on the kind of approach you adopt. There is no way he is going to dismiss complains about sexual satisfaction if you employ wit and open understanding in bringing up the issue. He would naturally become offended if you make it sound as if you sound critical of him as a man. No man can put up with his wife or woman telling him he isn’t man enough to make her feel like a woman. The usual conclusion would be that the woman has been messing around.
The trick here is to take the lead. For now don’t give him a clue about what you feel each time he makes love to you. You will be putting him on guard and very suspicious of your motive if you say anything to him.
Begin your night of seduction by cooking his favourite meal. Even if he is tough and unromantic, his choice food will do the magic. It will take him down to a time he cherishes the most; that time he made the decision to make this meal his preferred. Often than not, our favourite choices come from pleasant memories of a time past. By tapping into that, you bring back long forgotten memories of a time he was carefree, happy and without a burden. If he still has a mother, going to her, to help you gather memorials of his growing up years may do the trick. Preparing his mother’s favourite meals for him may just be what you need to gain access into his heart forever.
By the time you are through with the food, using information from his mother or sibling, talk about his cherished topics; the film he liked the most when he was younger, his first date and all the wonderful things about his parents and family.
Use good music to remind him of how good it is to relax. By talking to him about the past, you gradually take him to a time before his bank job as well as all the complications that go with it. By the time you are both ready to sleep, his mind will be relaxed enough to allow you take the lead.
Adding an adult film the next time will further enhance your previous effort. Even for couples that have found a good harmony, they still need tits and bits of exciting new ideas to keep their nest fresh.
Use your knowledge of sex to help him relax. Give him a total package of what you know; beginning from his scalp to the sole of his feet. The motive is to imprint in his mind you, the moment and message of love. If you are good at it, you will have succeeded in creating a new world for both of you and for him specifically. He may not have had a woman in his adult life who has had anything to do with giving him some basic lessons on how to please a woman. As long as you are sure of what you want, and you are not shy in drawing it out of him, your love life will experience tremendous changes.
Lots of men assume that pleasing a woman begins and ends with her capture. By using actions rather than words, you will be communicating your needs to him effortlessly. This method in addition to enhancing your love life, will also improve your personal relationship with your husband. A man who works as hard as your husband needs a friend and companion at home to help him unwind. Be the friend he needs. It will also help you to know him better than you currently do.
If protecting his home is cruelty, then all men are so. This is no news. As a matter of fact, you are the one who is cruel in this marriage. Remember you refused to complain before marriage simply on account of your desperation to marry so it would amount to wickedness for you to now make it an issue in your marriage to the point of contemplating using his money to fund your extra marital affairs.
Ignore all those friends that are urging you towards having an affair outside your home. At the end of the day, you will be the fool to take to their counsel.
A man willing to sleep with a married woman for money, will think nothing of reporting such woman to her husband if she fails to pay him whatever fee he demands for his service. And, what makes you sure your friends are really out to help you? For all you know, they maybe aiding the destruction of your home to give them access to your husband. No good friend tells her friend to engage in extra marital affairs so be careful with these kinds of friends. If you are wise, quietly delete them from your life.
In addition, stop sharing the intimacy of you and your husband with friends. It is a habit that might get you into trouble if told to the wrong kinds of friends.
Besides, if you think of the shame of being thrown out of your home if caught, you won’t even think of betraying your marital vows.
Just submit everything concerning your home to God. It is essential you do this.
Good luck.

I feel to nervous to approach a lady

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,
I need your help on how to approach and start a conversation with a lady. I am usually tongue-tied when I come across a lady I like. Whenever I even summon the courage to approach one, I find it very difficult to initiate any form of chat which makes the whole essence of even approaching her useless.
I need your help; at least educate me on what to say to a woman I find interesting. Are there books that can help me?
Stanley.

Dear Stanley,
Although you didn’t tell me your age, you will eventually outgrow this shyness. A lot of men who are today experts at sweet-talking a woman also had similar challenge.
One thing you must first accept is the fact that the worst any woman can do to you is to reject your offer for friendship. Women don’t bite; though experts at scorning or laughing at the offers of a man, it is a woman’s worst reaction, nothing more, nothing less. To be intimidated by a woman’s attitude is to heap a burden of self-consciousness on yourself; one you may find very difficult as a man to outgrow.
The second mistake, and perhaps the more important is never to tell a woman you are meeting for the first time, you are in love with her. It makes the whole essence of your discussion and intent very cheap and lacking of depth.
A man usually gets tongue-tied when trying so much to make an impression. It is easier to begin a conversation by commenting on safe things like the weather, which can either be very good on the day you meet or bad. A simple good day; ‘how are you on this wonderful sunny day or on this wet day,’ can begin the journey of a lifetime.
Refuse to comment on her beauty but look for something special, like her eyes, smile, voice or courtesy to comment on. Women like knowing that a man notices such special features about her, rather than the general thing every man sees or comments on.
Don’t attempt to take the relationship further after such compliments. Rather, devote time into being a good friend, one who cares about her thoughts, dreams, plans for the future. Get to know about her disappointments, weaknesses, strengths and friends.
By showing her that you are not concerned about her body but her development as a human being, you make it easier for both of you to function as friends at all times; this way you both are able to develop a tradition of trust, loyalty and absolute friendship.
This way, you are both giving yourselves time to get to know each other, develop a pattern of functional friendship that can withstand the test of time. Every relationship that begins from friendship has a way of surviving difficult and confusing times.
Your approach of friendship rather than relationship during the nascent days of your meeting gives her the confidence to be truthful with you. Only few people are able to pretend or conceal their nature from their friends.
The third is not to try to impress any woman because at the end of the day, the man when found out would become a subject of her scorn or mockery. Therefore, learn to be natural. Give her the chance to see you for who you are. Don’t lie or pretend to be what you are not. And even when you are who you claim you are, modesty is important in life.
Beyond all these reasons is the fact that a man should be prepared to be turned down by women. Therefore it will help your cause by developing a very strong skin when it comes to matters affecting women and love. A woman that says no in the morning can turn around to say years later in the day. No woman wants to end up with a man who lacks the drive to pursue the woman after his heart. It is the only time a woman gets to feel like the real queen in a man’s life. Therefore not every woman is about to give up her right to feel cherished on those heady moments of a man falling in love with them.
Remember no matter how unapproachable a woman appears to be, good conduct and maturity of the man can change her mind at the end of the day.
There are lots of books on the bookshelves but a man’s best teacher remains experience. Even if a woman is nasty to you on a first date, refuse to allow her get under your skin. Keep striving to make it work for you. A woman who turns you down is only teaching you to become better the next time. She is also helping you to eliminate ideas that are worthless in your search for the perfect woman.
Always remember the best things are the ones that take our extra efforts to achieve in life.
Good luck.

My hubby has a secret family outside the country

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626



Dear Agatha,
Men are very treacherous. How unfair can men be to women! I am going to be 60 this year. I have been married for 40 years. I invested everything I had into this marriage. I am the only child of my parents so I inherited everything they had. When things were very difficult for my husband and I, the only house they had in Surulere, I sold to enable my husband begin his business.
Today, he is quite successful. If anybody had told me that this man I helped to become the success he currently is, would bite the fingers that fed him, I would have called that person a liar.
About two months ago, I went to the United Kingdom to visit my son whose wife just put to bed. While there, one of the wife’s cousin came to visit her. From their discussion, it was obvious that they hadn’t seen in recent time. This cousin apparently lives in the United States with his family.
I really couldn’t say what was so familiar about the cousin but he looked like someone I once met long time ago. I was really curious to know so I asked him about his work, state of origin, his parents and all the things you ask when trying to help the memory recall something from its bank.
My daughter-in-law innocently aided my quest for information as she announced that he shares the same surname as our family name. I was very curious to know so asked him his full name; the same names as my husband’s. I asked him about his mother, who I gathered is Caribbean.
I didn’t know what to do because the face I thought was familiar was actually my husband’s. The boy was the replica of my husband. He was more of his mirror image than my son. When I asked how old he was, I discovered he was just three years younger than my first son while his sister and my third were age mates.
Again, my daughter-in-law provided the information about the sister. When I asked him about his father, he said he was fine and presently in Nigerian with his other family.
Further questions reveal that he has told them about his Nigerian family; and how afraid he was of them coming to visit him because of his wife. He said the mother and father were legally married in the United States. When he asked if I knew his father going by the similarities in our surnames, I told him, I would find out from my husband. It was all I could do at that time not to let the secret out of the bag.
Without explaining my reasons, I told my children I was going back to Nigeria the following day.
In the plane back home, I was praying against the reality of what I just heard but it turned out to be the truth. He didn’t bother to hide the truth from me.
His excuse? I never made him to feel like a man. Right from the very day I married him, I have always made him feel inferior, never lost the opportunity of reminding him I made him.
He said, I kept deriding him in the presence of the children by my recount of how I sold my father’s house to help him. He attributes the attitude of the children towards him to that.
I am really hurt and confused. I know he is trying to justify what he did by all the excuses about my behaviour. Even if I am guilty of all that, is marrying another woman right? Is it his way of repaying me for all I have done for him?
Of his own volition, he personally told the children about his other family. Ironically, my children, especially my sons, I thought would align with me against their father, all appear to be blaming me for the situation in my house. My eldest son, actually told me he didn’t blame his father for sourcing for happiness elsewhere. He stopped short of calling me a nag. My only daughter, though wasn’t as vocal as the brothers, just urged me to take things easy and sort it out with their father.
I have made up my mind to leave and have actually initiated discussion on the ownership of his business since I brought the money for the initial capital. I won’t let another woman reap where she didn’t sow. But I need your help, am I doing the right thing?
An old friend of mine thinks, I am going about it the wrong way and that if I am not careful, I risk losing the respect and support of my children. But I cannot allow any woman into my home, the one I took my parents money to establish. It is not possible! As it is, he has already used my money to train his other children. What kind of help can you offer me Agatha?
I want you to appreciate that I am a hurt woman who is desperate to keep her inheritance.
Patience.

Dear Patience,
At almost 60, should you be more concerned about your peace of mind, making up with your children than fighting over a legacy your children, from your narration, may not really need?
Can wrongs ever be right? Granted, your husband has been unfair to you but don’t you think your current reaction is giving basis for your husband’s decision to marry another woman? If your children are not supporting you, and actually appear to be giving their father tacit support, can you still say you are right?
There are situations in life when our righteousness can be very wrong. In this situation, your justification may not be right at the end of the day.
What is life? What is the essence of marriage? Is it to just have children? We can all give one reason or the other to rationalise our actions but would these excuses stand the test of time, when our actions and the results we get are put side by side?
Yes, you did the right thing, helping to kick start your husband’s success in life but does it merit your nagging him; exposing him to the disdain of the children? If your own children can say those things about you, then you must have been terrible in your quest to ensure their father didn’t forget the side where his bread was buttered.
Marriage is more than a journey of having good financial base; it is more of a journey of success, respect and tolerance.
Nagging him to remain loyal to you obviously drove him into the hands of another woman; one who knows that a good marriage is more than having plenty of money to spend.
Unwittingly, you created the opportunity for this woman to have a permanent stay in your husband’s life because the resonance of your words was hurting his being. You were making him feel worthless as a man; he needed to assure himself that he was man enough to command the respect and loyalty of a woman.
Granted, he started with your money but over the years, he has invested his time and intellect to making that money a success. If it weren’t for his sound business mind and judgements, do you think, you would have been able to manage that inheritance you seem to pride more than anything else in your world?
If it weren’t his destiny to be successful, that money would have gone down the drain. What you only did was to give him an early start; he did the rest. If you hadn’t given him the money, someone else would have. God only used you to make His desires for your husband to come to early manifestation.
In your shoes, I would discard any attempt at sharing out the property or leaving the home. To continue with this line of action is to say your 40 years together as a couple has been a complete waste. Deep down, isn’t this marriage worth saving despite what he has done to you?
The beauty of life is our ability to learn from our mistakes. At every level in life, we must make conscious effort to do away with the mistakes of the past. There is nothing stopping you from enjoying your marriage by making conscious and positive attempts at correcting the mistakes of the past.
Going ahead with your decision will further cause a disharmony between you and your children on one hand and your husband on the other hand.
Take advantage of your chance meeting with your stepchildren to mend the wounds your attitude and utterances have caused in your home. To do otherwise is to become a very lonely woman in life. As it stands, your children already have their own families, ones if you stay longer than necessary would become uncomfortable with you while your husband too has a wife and children to fill his space too. Your leaving the house will give him the freedom he needs to fully integrate his family into his life. Old age gives us the opportunity to count our loses, adjust our lives to accommodate the many imperfections of life.
There is nothing love cannot forgive. Become the rallying point for your family. His other wife and children will never take your place if you are wise and know how to patch things up. Rather than fight him, encourage discussion, this way you will know what went wrong as well as how to manage all the new challenges without becoming the ultimate victim.
By being close to God, you make things easier for you to manage.
Good luck.

Pregnant for a boy, pastor warns against abortion…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626



Dear Agatha,
I am 40, a divorcee with two children. Since my separation from my husband three years ago, I have been without a stable relationship. I have sex when I want to, but in the last couple of months, I have fallen hopelessly in love with a 26-year-old man. He works in my department. Since setting my eyes on him, I have been unable to concentrate on anything. I dream of him night and day as well as get very resentful of any female that comes close to him. This has made a female colleague to incur my wrath twice.
Even when I know I should caution him for some very obvious mistakes he makes during the discharge of his duties, I simply gloss over it.
Early in the year, the feelings got very unbearable for me, so I invited him to my house. Good food, wine and mood music must have influenced his boldness not to question my offer. That night he slept at my house. The following day, he was sober enough to apologise but I brushed aside his apologies, assuring him it was okay and confessing my love for him.
Although he told me about his girlfriend as well as his desires to marry her, I silently refused to listen. I wanted all the fairy tales; I have found love in him. I noticed that he was trying as much as possible to avoid me, refusing to look me straight in the eyes as well as trying to avoid any personal thing with me.
I was very angry at this, that I threatened to get tough with him if he keeps ignoring me. The fear of losing his job, made him bow to pressures from me, but from his attitude it was like raping him.
At the point I got tired of forcing him to sleep with me, I found out quite unexpectedly that I am almost four months pregnant. It was actually the prophetic warning of my pastor that alerted me to my state. According to my pastor, attempts to disengage the pregnancy will result in my death. I was planning on getting pregnant because I thought I was secured by the injections I was taking to prevent a pregnancy. Despite my feelings, I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant at all. My last child was already 13 so why would I want a baby to disrupt my life? Aborting this child would have been the best option for all concerned but I don’t want to die. My children will suffer if anything happens to me since I am all they have right now.
The reason I am writing is to ask for your advice. When I informed him about the pregnancy, he told me to my face that I should get rid of the pregnancy that there was no way he would accept responsibilities for the child. That he plans to get married to his girlfriend later this year and he wouldn’t want anybody to know that he has been sleeping with a woman almost his mother’s age. He threatened to deny paternity of the child if I attempt to keep it.
How do I explain to my 15-year-old daughter that I am pregnant for a man who isn’t ready to accept the pregnancy and for a man who is 14 years my junior? How do I explain to my 13-year-old son? What do I tell the child in future who his father is especially since he resigned last week and left no forwarding address?
What more, there is an older man in my life who is now very interested in officially marrying me as his second wife. I don’t know what to do at all.
My best friend insists I should terminate it. But I am scared. In addition to being almost four months, I have been warned against it. Please tell me how to progress from this point. Even though I still have strong feelings for him, I am beginning to hate him for his attitude towards me and his unborn baby. In retrospect, I can’t even explain the nature of my feelings or what brought them on. I really feel so foolish now.
What should I do, Agatha?
Maria.

Dear Maria,
First things first, settle the issue of your unborn baby. Make up your mind that irrespective of whatever the father says or feels, this child is a gift from God; given to you in His wisdom to care for. God doesn’t make mistakes like we humans. The circumstances may not be palatable for you now, but once the child is born, a lot of things will change for good.
The mistake of your adventure has been made. It would be an exercise in futility to dwell on whatever motivated your feelings for him. Certain things in life simply defy logic. Accept what happened to you as one of those things. Destiny cannot be altered. To attempt explaining it would only make you feel worse than you already are.
Therefore, for the sake of your unborn child, give up these feelings and concentrate on making yourself strong for you and your children. From your own admission, you are all they have. People will always talk if that is what you are afraid of. Whether wrong or right, the fact that you are unmarried and pregnant is enough topic of discussion on its own. Besides, by virtue of your being divorced has already made you a constant subject for the gossip minded individuals. Whether you like it or not, nothing you do or say will escape gossip.
So, forget whatever anybody would say about your state. At 40, you don’t owe anybody any explanation for whatever actions you take. As for your children, they will understand when the time is ripe. Your daughter will one day grow up and fall in love. Then she will understand the sometimes craziness and passion of love. Don’t blame yourself for what you felt for this young man. Yes, it was controversial given you are older by 14 years, but love is one of the most irrational kind of emotions in life. An older man could easily have done the same thing you did under the circumstances. Like I said earlier, that unborn child is your concern and responsibility. If you are separated from the man you married, there is no man you cannot be estranged from.
From your account, your children appear to be your only permanent source of comfort and companionship. Very soon, your first set of children will be out of the house to begin their own lives; you will be left with this one. God has positioned this baby to be your companion in your lonely years. With this baby in your life, you won’t have any dull moment or feel dejected because the children are away in boarding school or hostel.
Therefore, see this pregnancy as a wonderful plan of God for tomorrow. In addition, the presence of this child will stop you from making another mistake women in their middle age make when alone.
This is why you must not listen to your friend at all. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Wisdom demands you listen to the servant of God, you didn’t consult, but who came up with a message for you. If you knew you were pregnant, had gone to him for help, then you can doubt the authenticity of his prophecy. That he gave it to you without you even knowing your state is evidence of the desires of God for your life.
Ignore whatever your lover said about this child. Forget him as a matter of fact. One day, when the time comes, that time in the future we always feel the itch to make up with our past, he would come to ask for his child but till then, tell the child, once old enough to understand the ways of the adult world, the truth.
A lot of the child’s reaction would come from the quality of your love, care and time to him or her. If the child is secured in your love, the attitude and reactions of the father won’t matter so much. And as long as you don’t try to embellish the story to present the father as a monster, sticking instead to the naked truth of your love, decision and the issue of his or her coming to being, you will emerge the victor at the end of it all.
Children are not stupid or irrational. How they turn out in life comes from the values implanted into them by their closest parent, the mother. If you are fair and truthful, none of your children will condemn you for being human and a woman. No matter how tough or old we are, we will always need love and affection.
Although your gamble didn’t go down well, be brave and learn to accept that which you cannot change.
Good luck.

I’m dying for my wife’s younger sister

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I met my wife in August 2011. I met her younger sister when I went on a visit to their house the same year. Something instantly changed in me when I saw the little girl. What I felt for her was so powerful and magnetic; I simply couldn’t deny it.
Although there was really nothing between the elder sister and I at that point, I fought against the feelings I had for the younger sister.
Rather than the feelings to go away, it grew stronger the next time I went to their house. Still I ignored it, putting it down as temptation.
Knowing how potent temptation can be, I took to avoiding the young lady.
Unfortunately, ignoring my feelings and deep love for the younger sister, I hastened to marry the elder sister; thinking it was an antidote for the cure of my feelings for the younger lady.
Painfully, since marrying the elder sister, I have come to realise that all my passion, love, affection and happiness are on this younger sister. It has been a very miserable life for me. I married my wife but I love the younger sister.
My marriage and life have been very unbearable that I can no longer do anything. Even my work is in danger. I feel like dying.  It is most painful whenever I remember I had this feeling for the younger lady right from the beginning, and had all the chance to opt for her. Instead, I ignored it, thinking that the feeling was going to die. Why I did this, I still don’t know.
I am finished. Life does not have any meaning to me. If there is any help you can offer me please let me know, for the pains are too much.
Chuka.

Dear Chuka,
Sad as your story is, there is nothing you can do about it anymore. To attempt to do anything about your feelings for the younger lady is to destroy the peace and harmony of a family. I am sure destroying this family peace, honour and tradition isn’t among the things you want for them.
Had you subjected your feelings to scrutiny the first time you met this younger woman, a lot of the headaches you are currently feeling would have been avoided even though it still would have created some problems between the two sisters.
Having married the elder sister, it is too late now to cry over spilled milk. Your responsibility is to ensure this marriage works. This is what happens when we don’t give heed to our inner person. You were alerted but you ignored it because you didn’t care, were blind to the qualities your ideal woman must have.
This came from a lack of clear understanding of what marriage entails. What you should have done was to back out immediately from the family, to give yourself that chance to properly think of what you feel. Jumping into marrying the elder sister was unnecessary given the fact that you were still very strong on your feelings for the younger sister.
If what you feel for the younger sister is true love, it will never go away but that is not to say, you cannot manage it if you want to. At one point or the other, a lot of us have found ourselves in your kind of situation; meeting a true love in a very wrong time and season.
There is no way you can divorce your wife to marry the younger sister. Even if you leave her to marry another woman, it still won’t stop you from feeling the way you do about this young lady. Therefore, you must be strong and let go of what you feel now.
I understand when you say it is tough but hard-hitting situations need drastic changes; one that involves a very huge sacrifice. You must put as much distance between you and your sister-in-law. Ask your employers for transfer to a place where you and your wife can start life anew. The struggle of fitting into a new place, trying to make an impact will to an extent give you little time to think of your feelings for your sister-in-law. Another thing is to encourage your wife to become pregnant. Babies are wonderful at diverting attention to themselves. The worry of how to care for the child, coupled with the presence of something so precious would act as a very good remedy for your love-sickness.
This way, you will also be giving yourself the chance to discover the unique quality in your wife.
You haven’t been able to love her because all your emotions and attention are on her sister. Remember, something attracted you to her in the first place. Make the special effort to bring it back. Yes, it may not be very strong but you can grow it to be close to what you want. Every relationship and marriage need a strong and wide base. Most women can do without this passionate love from their husbands; all they want is to be respected. As long as you are also meeting your side of the responsibilities at home, she won’t mind too much. Rather than cause you and her whole family needless pain, strive to give your wife some measure of comfort and happiness. It isn’t her fault that you didn’t act like a man when the opportunity presented itself.
As your wife, you have responsibilities towards her. As a woman, you must also realise she needs attention and care. By dwelling too much on a dream you know isn’t achievable, you are destroying the chances of your marriage surviving.
Whatever it will take you, make this marriage work else, you will be the ultimate victim of this whole drama. Every marriage has its season of challenge; just regard what you are going through as yours. If you are matured and determined, you will overcome it. A resolute mind can always achieve anything it desires. As long as you desire a good marriage, no matter what you feel for your sister-in-law, your marriage will survive it all. Learn to give your marriage a focus. It will help you a great deal.
Don’t forget to entrust your marriage to God.
Good luck.

My affair with a married man makes me feel guilty

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I want to get out of my current relationship. The man I am in love with is married and I always feel guilty when we are together but it is so difficult to let go because I truly love him.
What should I do?
Confused Lover.

Dear Confused Lover,
There is no future in this relationship. Let him go! The more you stay around him, the longer you delay your chance of meeting the right man. Besides, if you tarry for too long, your time and season may just pass you by before you realise it.
Try putting yourself in his wife’s shoes; how will you feel if another woman is denying you the joy of marriage as well as the presence of your husband? Just as you won’t be happy, this woman isn’t. You are causing her pains and her children deprivation. The time and money their father would have given them, you are taking.
If you truly love this man, encourage him to go. Ask him to try to imagine his wife having an affair with another man. If he can imagine the pains of having his wife in another man’s arms, then he should imagine how his wife would feel by his betrayal of their marriage vows.
Every love story that doesn’t end in marriage always has a sad feeling. Doubtless, you will feel some sort of emotional pains leaving him but when you consider the fact that you have more to lose than gain, you will listen to that inner voice that is making you feel guilty and uncomfortable with the knowledge that you are chipping away the foundation of another woman’s happiness.
In addition, the man can revoke the same reasons he has for being unfaithful to his wife whenever he gets tired of you and needs to move on. If he can afford to be unfaithful to his wife, there is nothing stopping him from concurrently dating other girls alongside you.
Even if his wife is failing in her responsibilities at home, he should teach her what he wants, not have affairs.
Don’t worry about what you feel now, you will overcome it. By the time you meet the right man, the one who will treat you as his queen, you will wonder what you ever saw in this married man.
When next he calls, tell him you are no longer interested in continuing the relationship with him. You will only hurt for a few days.
Good luck.