Saturday, June 26, 2010

I Fear My Love Will Jilt Me


Dear Agatha,

I am a twin. I am deeply in love with a God-fearing lady. But I am always scared she would end up jilting me because of the distance between the two of us. Besides, before starting with me, she had a disappointing relationship with her ex; something she feels bad about whenever she remembers. What can I do?

Confused Boyfriend.


Dear Confused Boyfriend,

There is no magic you can do unless she is ready to let go of the memories of her past relationship. She has to learn to trust again, belief in life as well as the God she serves. 

A child learning how to walk must stumble, fall and rise again for the circle of life to be complete. This is true too of falling in love. Anybody going into a relationship must be prepared to be hurt or disappointed because it is a process of life. Every endeavour that has human process is clothed in the garment of failures and hurts. There is no escaping these. As a matter of fact, these act as our personal C-caution in life. They are meant to moderate our speed in life. Without these in-built natural bumps, many of us would live life with a careless attitude, trusting more in our abilities than putting all our hopes in the one person that matters the most, God. There are no half-measures in life. We therefore must learn at every point to entrust God with our every thing, because it is not so much about our disappointments but what we do when these natural challenges come in our everyday relationships with people.

She has to understand that many things happen to us for our own good. She met you because that relationship failed. If it didn’t, she wouldn’t have been able to have free access to you, love you with the freedom she now has to be associated with you. If love is truly what she feels for you, she simply has to trust in whatever you two have going, trust in your abilities to make her happy as well as be prepared to accommodate whatever challenges are present in what you both have going.

Life is only beautiful when we let it be. Every step in life is full of uncertainties but that should not make us falter in taking the next step, which is important to our getting to our desired destination in life. While the scares are concomitant reminders of our wounds, they only serve to make us more mature in our next steps in life, not to make us fearful or untrusting of our next moves. Only cowards allow a past wound from stopping them from living life again.

But that is not to say, these scars too don’t serve the purpose of bringing to memories some of the ugly incidents of our past. Sometimes, they actually mock our gullibility; hence the need for you to really go out of your way to allow her see how much you care. There is a difference between seeing and telling. The seeing is the little things you do for her that tells how she is very precious to you. These things convey in them so many things words cannot precisely say. You could keep echoing the word love to her without showing her how much she means to you.   If you haven’t already demonstrated to her  the quality of your love for her, please do so, let her be reminded too that you also come with some history of your own but because you find something extremely unique and trustworthy about her, decided to love her as part of yourself. She has to understand where you are coming from and precisely what you want from her.

Because what she has been through, she needs more clarification as well as constant assurances of what you feel to trust again and be able to forget the past.

Also, understand the need for constant assurances through calls, text messages and visits. In distant relationships, communication must be constantly flowered by the couples to make it work. Since there are no two people alike, one of the parties must dutifully take on the task of making the most calls. In this case, the lot falls on you as a result of her past history, fears and suspicions of you. It is called a selfless sacrifice, one you must make to be happy in the love you have. Problems come in distant relationships when both parties expect the other to call and when one who seems to be making some of the calls feels bad about the apparent indifference of the other person. Relationship generally requires understanding of the nature of the person one is involved with. And in distant relationship, this is importantly necessary if the relationship is to survive the virus of couples living far apart from each other. Doubts, once they build up, are often very difficult to flush out of a relationship. 

They just keep piling up until they destroy what could have been an ideal match. 

With her enveloped in self-doubt as well as despair in love, ensure you go out of your way to help her appreciate what it is like to be with you by always giving her very fond memories to remind her of you in between visits.

You will achieve this more by presenting yourself not only as a man interested in her body but as a friend interested in her happiness as a person. You have to ensure she trusts you as a good friend, one she cannot do without at any point in her life. Translating yourself as a friend first will draw her out to you, make her become dependent on you as well as open her heart up to you until she forgets what pains the other inflicted on her. It is from this friendship, a trusting relationship can grow very well. 

If you do it right, overtime she would come to appreciate you and see you as a good friend to be depended on.

Overall, entrust everything to God.

Good luck.