Dear Agatha,
I’m a regular reader of your column, and always impressed the way you handle issues. I would be 30 in a few months time and there is this lady who would be 28 this year whom I’m madly in love with me.
However, we have a problem with my family members who don’t want me to marry her due to her tribe.
When I asked my elder brother the reason behind their objection to people from her area, he said it is not advisable for anybody to marry women from her village. He said I should quit the relationship in my interest.
Please advice me on what to do. I’m confused.
Danny.
Dear Danny,
Since meeting her, how would you rate her in terms of moral behaviour, attitude, character as well as values of life?
Do you foresee having problems with her in terms of her moral values? Do you see her capable of betraying your trust or engaging in behaviours capable of causing you harm, now or in the future?
The issue is you! What do you feel for this woman and what do you know about her? Your family can say anything about her because they don’t know her but you do, better than all of them. Therefore you are the only one who can make the difference, change the not too pleasant impression your people have of her people.
If your love for this woman were strong and real, it would be difficult for you to let go, giving her up to suit your family.
You can only give up something you don’t care about, something not so precious and which you can do without.
To understand your feelings and know if you should heed your family advice, it is important you also do a soul searching of what you feel for this woman. One of the worst things that can happen is to be left high and dry in the middle of an ocean. You would be doing this lady more harm if at the end of the day, you are unable to defend your love for and capitulate to the pressures of your family.
Therefore the first thing to do is a thorough soul searching of what this woman really means to you. Given the opposition of your family has against this union, you must be very sure of what you feel because it is the only thing that can give you victory at the end.
Your love for her must be the type that can withstand the strongest of the storms because the reaction of your family member is still at the mildest.
The determination to fight on her side would come from this knowledge that she means more to you than any other woman ever would.
Once convinced of your feelings for her, ask precise questions from your elder brother. First listen to him to give him the impression that you are on their side. This way, he would tell all he knows about the people from that village and probably what he knows about the lady and her family if he has such information.
Allow some days before going back to him to solicit his assistance by reminding him of all the dreams you both shared as children and the times he went out of his way to protect you against pains or attacks from people.
Insist that, one more time, you are appealing for his support to be happy in life. Use all the sentimental history of being his little brother to appeal to his conscience on why he should support you to marry the woman of your choice.
Ask him how he would feel in your choice or if the family is pressuring him to drop the woman he wants more than anything else in the world?
Don’t forget to remind him that at 30 you are more than old enough to know what is right or wrong for you. Let him know you have a choice in this matter and that your coming to him for support is largely due to the respect you have for him and influence you think he has over the family.
All these are measures to water down his support for the older members of the family as well as get some support for your woman who may want to run away from it, all out of fear of the uncertainty of tomorrow.
Go a step further by soliciting help from persons close to your family. The point you should never fail to mention is that every community comes with its own peculiar history. Just like your girlfriend’s people, some people have also given your community or tribe a brand that might not truly reflect what your people are, particularly your family.
There are always exceptions to a rule. That the world has a negative impression of Nigerians on account of what a few are doing to harm the positive image of the country doesn’t make us all guilty.
If your family cares about you, demand you and this girl be given a chance to be happy.
However, if all attempts fail to make them see reason, continue to trust and pray to God to help you overcome the hostility of your family. If you and this woman are meant to be, God will make a way for you both to get round this wave of opposition from your parents and family.
Like I said, nobody can make up your mind for you. The answer is in your heart. What you feel for this woman counts, whether you yield to the pressures of your family members or not.
Good luck.
I’m a regular reader of your column, and always impressed the way you handle issues. I would be 30 in a few months time and there is this lady who would be 28 this year whom I’m madly in love with me.
However, we have a problem with my family members who don’t want me to marry her due to her tribe.
When I asked my elder brother the reason behind their objection to people from her area, he said it is not advisable for anybody to marry women from her village. He said I should quit the relationship in my interest.
Please advice me on what to do. I’m confused.
Danny.
Dear Danny,
The best place to start is to be very definite about what you want from life and how much this lady fits into your dream marriage. This is a critical highpoint for you. Therefore you cannot afford to be confused. Being confused showcases a defect in your relationship. It shows that you are not as deeply in love with this woman as you have led yourself to think. Therefore, you must be very honest about what you want.
Since meeting her, how would you rate her in terms of moral behaviour, attitude, character as well as values of life?
Do you foresee having problems with her in terms of her moral values? Do you see her capable of betraying your trust or engaging in behaviours capable of causing you harm, now or in the future?
The issue is you! What do you feel for this woman and what do you know about her? Your family can say anything about her because they don’t know her but you do, better than all of them. Therefore you are the only one who can make the difference, change the not too pleasant impression your people have of her people.
If your love for this woman were strong and real, it would be difficult for you to let go, giving her up to suit your family.
You can only give up something you don’t care about, something not so precious and which you can do without.
To understand your feelings and know if you should heed your family advice, it is important you also do a soul searching of what you feel for this woman. One of the worst things that can happen is to be left high and dry in the middle of an ocean. You would be doing this lady more harm if at the end of the day, you are unable to defend your love for and capitulate to the pressures of your family.
Therefore the first thing to do is a thorough soul searching of what this woman really means to you. Given the opposition of your family has against this union, you must be very sure of what you feel because it is the only thing that can give you victory at the end.
Your love for her must be the type that can withstand the strongest of the storms because the reaction of your family member is still at the mildest.
The determination to fight on her side would come from this knowledge that she means more to you than any other woman ever would.
Once convinced of your feelings for her, ask precise questions from your elder brother. First listen to him to give him the impression that you are on their side. This way, he would tell all he knows about the people from that village and probably what he knows about the lady and her family if he has such information.
Allow some days before going back to him to solicit his assistance by reminding him of all the dreams you both shared as children and the times he went out of his way to protect you against pains or attacks from people.
Insist that, one more time, you are appealing for his support to be happy in life. Use all the sentimental history of being his little brother to appeal to his conscience on why he should support you to marry the woman of your choice.
Ask him how he would feel in your choice or if the family is pressuring him to drop the woman he wants more than anything else in the world?
Don’t forget to remind him that at 30 you are more than old enough to know what is right or wrong for you. Let him know you have a choice in this matter and that your coming to him for support is largely due to the respect you have for him and influence you think he has over the family.
All these are measures to water down his support for the older members of the family as well as get some support for your woman who may want to run away from it, all out of fear of the uncertainty of tomorrow.
Go a step further by soliciting help from persons close to your family. The point you should never fail to mention is that every community comes with its own peculiar history. Just like your girlfriend’s people, some people have also given your community or tribe a brand that might not truly reflect what your people are, particularly your family.
There are always exceptions to a rule. That the world has a negative impression of Nigerians on account of what a few are doing to harm the positive image of the country doesn’t make us all guilty.
If your family cares about you, demand you and this girl be given a chance to be happy.
However, if all attempts fail to make them see reason, continue to trust and pray to God to help you overcome the hostility of your family. If you and this woman are meant to be, God will make a way for you both to get round this wave of opposition from your parents and family.
Like I said, nobody can make up your mind for you. The answer is in your heart. What you feel for this woman counts, whether you yield to the pressures of your family members or not.
Good luck.
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