How do I present myself to her?

With Agatha Edo, Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I graduated with second class upper in psychology but since I couldn’t get a job five years after, I decided to make do with whatever kind of job came my way. That was how I became a security man to this successful business man. I didn’t bother to inform him about my qualifications since I was scared it might act as a barrier to my being employed. Beyond the usual greeting permitted by my position, I kept my distance from the man and his family members. EveTn if I wanted to be familiar with them, his wife and children were very snobbish except for the set of twins among them. These two, a boy and girl were just like their father, very respectful and caring. They would stop to greet me and gist. Their father too never ceased to ask after my welfare or those of my family members. Once when my mother took ill, he not only gave me money but excused me from my duty post for a week to attend to her. Through our discussion, the twins discovered I was a graduate. Infact, I became their friends as I helped them with their assignments since they were also reading my course. Their mother was hardly around so didn’t notice our closeness. Some how, the girl among the twins and I fell in love. None of us could explain how it all happened but we found ourselves consumed by our feelings for each other. Being in her final year, we decided we should keep it to ourselves because we knew what her mother and elder sisters would say. Naturally, her twin got to find out. He gave us his support but warned of his mother reactions if she gets to find out. We were able to conceal it, or so we thought. My boss’wife got to know and one afternoon, came to my post, slapped me, threatened to call in the Police if I didn’t leave her daughter and house alone. That was how I was sacked. Fortunately, I had enough savings and with the support of her daughter and son, I was able to begin my business. All these happened 18 months ago and now she is pregnant. I have kept procrastinating the day, I would go back to that house to meet the woman that almost killed me for dating her daughter. How would she react when she discovers that I am still dating her daughter and that she is pregnant for me? Will she ever give me her blessing to marry her daughter; me who in her opinion is a common gateman and a nobody? Please help me, teach me what to say and how to handle this woman, her words are law in that house. Paul. Dear Paul, It doesn’t matter anymore if her words are law in that house. You no longer work for her and, you are not going to her as a beggar. Let her say whatever she has to say, learn to control your temper as a man. Go there as a man sure of himself. Remember you are no longer who she knew you as or thought you were. What you need is confidence in yourself and in your achievements since you left them. Most of the time, we are treated or received the way we present ourselves. The moment she suspects you to be afraid of her, she will continue to treat you as being a nobody and, inferior to have her daughter as a wife. The only business you have with her is the fact that she is the mother of the woman you intend spending the rest of your life with and for that simple fact, deserves your respect. Beyond that, make it clear to her through your body language that you are not the same man she maltreated some months ago. Besides, she isn’t the one you are going to meet; you are going to meet the girl’s father to inform him of your intention to marry his daughter. Eighteen months ago, you were his employee and now, you are now a young successful business man. God has vindicated you. This is the time to let them know that even while you worked for them as a security man, you were already a graduate of five years. However, it would be best she prepares her father first because he too may feel offended by what he would perceive as an effrontery on your part. Before going to his house, ask your girlfriend and her brother to accompany you to his office. Go with your certificate and prove of your business success. Ordinarily, you don’t have to go this far but given the circumstances you met and the way you left, you need to take these measures to win him over. He may not be as obvious as his wife but, deep down the desire of every father is to marry his daughter into some measure of comfort especially as the daughter in question is used to a certain level of ease. No matter how good natured he is, he won’t readily support your involvement with his daughter in the image he has of you. And the moment he joins his wife in mounting opposition against your relationship with their daughter, irrespective of whether or not she is pregnant, it might not be so easy to get him to listen objectively to whatever you have to say. If you don’t first see him outside the company of his wife, he would think you are an opportunist. Confide in him about your past struggle to get a good job before you were forced to take on the job of security man in his house. If he is as humble as you say, he would appreciate your kind of person, your determination to succeed at all cost. He would value you as the right man to marry his daughter. By the time you meet with the entire family, a lot of rough edges would have been ironed out. As long as you made it without any kind of support from him or his wife, they would have no reason to think you are after their wealth. Just learn to be respectful to them, irrespective of whatever the reaction of other members of the family is to you. The important thing is the love and support of your wife and her twin brother. Good luck.

He won’t let me bring my child home

With Agatha Edo, Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Before I married my husband several years ago, I told him about the son I had when I was in school. I didn’t hide anything from my husband including the decision of our two parents that my son stays with his father’s parents to enable me continue with my education. I also told him of my desire to have my son come visit me from time to time. In addition, I made it clear to him that any man that married me must be ready to marry my son as well since he is an integral part of my existence. He agreed to all my conditions before we got married. You can therefore imagine my surprise when my son indicated interest in coming to visit me after three years of marriage and my husband turned him down. He didn’t give any explicit and cogent reason beyond the fact that he wasn’t ready to receive him yet and that when he was, he would let me know. Not wanting to rock the boat of my young marriage, I allowed him have his way. My marriage is almost 10 years old and my son who will be 21 and in his final year at the university still hasn’t been allowed into my home by my husband. Although he visits but he has never slept over in my house because of my husband’s lack of warmth whenever he comes around. It hurts because the boy has to come to the office anytime he wants to see me. Fortunately he understands my helplessness but for how long can I continue to tolerate the situation? If I had hidden the knowledge of the existence of my child from him, I would have understood his reluctance to allow the boy come into his house but this is a man that agreed to my terms and accepted. To make things worse, I didn’t complain about him bringing a child he never told me he had with another woman into my house so why should he stop me from bringing my child into the house? I want to confront him on the issue because I am very hurt and consider his attitude towards me as being very unfair and callous. I also have a right to ask him to take his child out of our house as being suggested by some of my friends but I don’t want to because I cherish my marriage and respect his feelings but he doesn’t respect mine at all. Please help me because I am getting to that point in which I can no longer endure the situation especially as the grandparents of my son are both dead. His father, though is very protective of his son, is married and his wife is yet to have a child. He spends his time more with his friends when he has a mother alive. I can’t bear it anymore. I don’t want him joining bad company as a result of lack of proper attention. My son cannot be made to suffer for the mistake I made as a young girl. I won’t tolerate it anymore. The poor boy has suffered my lack of effective presence for too long. I can’t be alive and my son is homeless. Something will have to give. Please advice me before I make a mistake I might later regret. Why can’t he accept my son the same way I have accepted his daughter? Juliana Dear Juliana, Nobody said anything about life being fair to a woman. The life of a woman is that of many painful choices. There is always a choice to be made for the woman. You cannot fight your husband on account of his attitude towards your son. Don’t forget you made the choice to sleep with the boy’s father without any form of protection and to keep him when you discovered you were pregnant. Nobody forced you into that situation. Whether you realised it back then or not, that decision to keep him changed so many things about your life. Granted your husband made you those promises, they were made under what can be tagged duress. He wanted you at all cost in his life and the only way possible was to promise you the things you asked of him back then. He knew admitting what he really felt about having your son come live with you would make the task of convincing you to marry him more difficult so, he chose the less tedious -making you a promise you wanted to hear. In fairness to him, at the point he made you such promises, you left him with no choice but to agree to your terms since he wanted you so badly in his life. When a man desires something desperately, there is no telling what he would do or say to have his way. To put your marriage on the line because of that promise he made in his desperation to marry you will amount to cutting your nose to spite your face. Thank God your son is responsible; if he has the tendency to associate with the wrong people, he would have done it before now. That he has a relationship with you means he isn’t blaming you; he understands what is going on in your marriage. All you have to do is to continue to support him in everyway possible including renting a place for him close to where you stay so as to keep an eye on his movements. If he is in his final year at the university, he is more than matured enough to handle his affairs. The accommodation is for him to have a place to come to when on holidays or finished from school. Follow this by sitting your husband down for a discussion especially if you haven’t discussed the matter with him. There is always a way out of every situation. Hear his reasons for going back on his promises to allow the boy come live with you. Sometimes, issues aren’t always the way we perceive them to be. Don’t make reference to his child he brought home to you. To do that is to complicate issues between the two of you. Simply demand to know why he doesn’t want your son in his house after almost a decade of marriage. But bear in mind that not every man can handle the thought of another man having had their wife. Deep down, the presence of your child may just remind him about a time in your past he doesn’t want to remember. Besides, the choice before you is not just about your first son alone; think about the other children whose lives will also be affected if you push this issue too hard in your marriage. There is a limit even a good issue can be pushed. Marriage is strong but can be very fragile if given too much burden to carry. Allow this matter be. Your son doesn’t need you as much as he needed you when he was younger. He is no longer a child but a young adult who may not want all the attention you are now showering on him. Besides if you could ignore him all these years, why are you now so bothered about him? Frankly your concern over his welfare is almost 21 years too late. Your husband isn’t so keen on having him because when he met you, the boy was comfortably settled in the life you have arranged for him. If he had been with you from his early age, he would have had no choice but marry you with the child. As it is now, he didn’t meet the child with you. Above all, for the sake of everyone, allow peace reign in your marriage. Very soon your son would begin a family of his own. Good luck.