Dear Agatha,
I am so glad at the way you answer people’s questions. May the Lord continue to give you wisdom to do more. I really need your advice.
I am a 30-year-old lady of and in a relationship with a guy that is 32 years old. This guy, who loves me so much, is responsible, caring, God-fearing and has every quality I love in a man. He has proposed to me but I am yet to accept because he isn’t a graduate despite sitting for the Joint Admission Matriculation Examination (JAMB) four times without success. He got discouraged and refused to try again. Instead he enrolled for a five- year course in an engineering school. Today, he is cart engineer in a construction company.
I am not comfortable with his lack of sound education. This is making it difficult for me to love him the way he does to me.
His parents are aware of our relationship as well as his intention to marry me. They really love me.
So please advice me on what to do because, I don’t want to lose him.
Osho.
Dear Osho,
What do you want? On one hand you say you don’t love him as much he loves you due to what you feel is a disability on his part while on the other hand you don’t want to lose him? Would losing him be that painful going by your comment that you don’t love him as much as he does you? Would you be better of if he left you to look for a man who has superior qualification to make you a proud woman?
You must make up your mind on what you want. Relationship is something very personal. I can tell you what to do but the final choice is still yours to make.
And truthfully, there is no way you can give this man the best of yourself if you think his lack of university education is major disadvantage with you. You will only end up giving this man undue headaches as well as embarrass yourself in the process. The embarrassment would come from your inability to market your partner the way you should because you would constantly be under pressure of what people would say should they find out that he isn’t well read.
You can only be proud of what you take pride in. If you lack the guts to take wholesome pride in the person of this man as well as his achievement as a man without feeling he is half of the man you expect him to be on account of what you think is inferior education; the best thing would be for you to quit. Relationship is about loyalty to the person you are with. You clearly don’t have it at all being so bothered about what should in the first place be counted as important.
From the first moment you agreed to his offer for relationship, this matter should have been dealt with. To have allowed it to linger to the point he asked you to marry him, met his parents shows that foundation is defective on your part as well as the fact that you aren’t very honest with him. Your knowledge about his educational status shows he didn’t hide anything from you, that he gave you the chance to accept or reject him. Staying meant you accepted, which is why he took you to his parents. Therefore to bring up the matter up now is wrong, shows that you never had a commitment to him but only agreed to his offer due to lack of another offer for relationship.
To avoid you hurting people who really love you and yourself in the process, tell this man the truth about your feelings for him.
It is unfortunate that you are playing up his educational qualification when you should be bothered about the more wortwhile qualities that make relationship and marriage work. His lack premium education is only part of what he is but who is this man who in spite of what you consider his disadvantage still has the power to keep you in a relationship with him?
Have you bothered to find out what makes him very different from all the other men you have met so far? You can never appreciate anybody if all you do is focus on the negative points of that person. True love comes from looking beyond the mask to the person wearing it. This is what brings about tolerance, understanding, loyalty, pride, selflessness, patience, care, friendship, sacrifices as well as trust in God to provide all the other things that are missing in the relationship.
Forget about his paper qualification and help yourself focus on personality; the one you will live and sleep with for the rest of your life. The qualities that will grow your relationship, bring about a transformation in your life by giving it a character.
Certificates are not what make an ideal partner; rather it is who we are that makes the difference in life. If this man cares for you, is responsible and has respect for you, his heart is compassionate, sensitive to your needs as well as moods, is honest and caring, he qualifies more than the man who has the best paper qualifications in the world but has a very cold heart that treats you as part of his furniture.
This is what you must make priority in your relationship with this man and not something that cannot sustain a relationship. In your time with him, how well or badly has he treated you? Is he dependable, someone you can laugh with and at? Someone you can confide in, who has your interest at heart and would never deliberately set out to hurt you.
To help you understand your feeling for him better, take time away from him to do some thorough thinking. You need time to subject your feelings for him to analysis, extract the essence and distill it for your consumption. To get a positive result, be very honest and prayerful. Give God the chance to do things according to His ways and not yours.
Good luck.
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