Dear Agatha,
I am 16 years of age and will be writing my Joint Admission Matriculation Examinations, (JAMB). There is this man asking for my hand in marriage but he is married. He promised to take care of me, fund my education even if I don’t marry him at the end of the day. I don’t want to go into a relationship for now. But it appears I don’t have the right to say no because my mother insists I must accept the offer. I would be grateful if you tell me how to get out of this mess.
Precious.
Dear Precious,
You may be 16 but that doesn’t deprive you of the right to decline this man’s offer irrespective of the position of your mother. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. It isn’t all the time that parents are on the right track. Your mother is certainly wrong to want you not only to marry at 16, but to a man who is married. In Nigeria of today, it is against the law because constitutionally you are still a minor.
This is your life, your future and your everything. Nobody, not even your parents, have the right to persuade you to do something that would injure that future.
At 16, you should be trying to protect and nurture your future with the right kind of manure not dating a man who is married simply because he says he would sponsor your education. You are not his responsibility and this offer isn’t right. What he is asking for is the right to your body in exchange for money to pay for your education. What you must understand is, this man isn’t under any obligation to you. After having the pleasure of your body, he could if he decides, leave you for another younger lady. The interest of this man is not in you or what becomes of your future. He is only out to take advantage of your youth, suck your innocent juice and throw you away like a sucked orange.
What happens if you get pregnant? Do you see yourself ending up as second wife to this man who is perhaps old enough to be your father? How would you feel seeing your friends going to school, having the freedom of their youth while you are tied down to premature motherhood and matrimony?
This perhaps is the time to ask your mother what she thinks of you as her child and what plans she has for you as a mother. Reverse the pressure she is putting on you by asking her reasons for conceiving you. Poverty isn’t an excuse for what she is asking you to do. There are a lot of people your family is better off than. A mother determined to negotiate the best for her children, especially her daughters would never condone anything that would tamper with their future. A lot of women have been known to sell their clothes, take on menial jobs to insure the future of their children.
If your father is unable to offer you the adequate protection you need to avert the emotional disaster your mother is urging you into, look for people who have a lot of influence over her to report the matter to. Urge them to help intervene and make your mother appreciate that your well-being is paramount to you.
Since it appears that finance is the reason she wants you to marry this man, offer to do some trading for her along the line to bring in the money you would need to pay for your examinations. It might be dirty and some of your friends bound to make fun of you but you will eventually be the one to laugh because against all odds you kept your dignity.
As a young lady, always bear this in mind, that challenges are part of everyday life. There is never a short cut to success despite what those who think they are smart say about their ways. Often than not, the price they end up paying are too high for any human being to pay. Mostly, they end up with more scores of failures, regrets and anguish than if they had waited to take the normal longer but credible route to success.
Hard work doesn’t kill; only the lazy get killed in their bid to cut corners. From the attitude of your mother, it is obvious if you want an education, you have to get it the hard way. If you are resolute, God will provide you with something to do without you debasing your future or womanhood.
It’s unfortunate you aren’t in Lagos, but I know that God, who sees everything will send you a helper to see you through this. Whatever happens, don’t be rude to your mother. Just insist you won’t live your life from her perspective. It may take you longer than it would ordinarily have taken you but be sure that God will make way for you to complete that which he has started in your life.
My dear, it shall be well with you.
Good luck.
Dear Readers,
I spoke with Precious to find out more about her. She lives in Oghara with her mother. She is currently an SSS 1 student of Oghara Secondary School. She intends writing her JAMB next year. If there is any way someone in Oghara who can help find out more about her in this school, it would be easier to know how to channel help to her.
Agatha.
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