Friday, October 24, 2008

He Has A Love Child


Dear Agatha,

This is my 12th year in a marriage that has produced three girls and I am in a fix.

Even though I cannot claim to have had a perfect marriage but we have been able to survive the turbulences till date.

His family members, especially his mother for the reason that I have three daughters, does not exactly like me.

She never gets tired of reminding me that in their part of the country, they are Ishan, from Edo State daughters don’t count. She once told me not to be too relaxed as her son’s wife since I have given them no reason to recognise me as one.

Knowing that in my own place too, the same principle applies, I always ignore her. However, when my husband travelled to South Africa for a two-month training programme, she came to inform me that he might decide to stay there, get married and have a real woman who can give her grandsons.

Because I was always suspecting my husband of having an affair with this particular woman whom I have seen him with on several occasions, I was really afraid and took it out on my mother-in-law. I reminded her too of her own inability to have sons early in her marriage as she gave birth to four girls before giving birth to her only son, my husband. I told her not to force my husband into polygamy as her own mother-in-law did.

That day, our disagreement took another dimension as she violently assaulted me. That didn’t end the matter as her daughters all came the next day to take their turns in beating me for daring to confront their mother.

Their father, being too old to do anything, begged me not to be offended by what his wife and daughters did to me. He assured me that I would eventually have a son and that his granddaughters were very precious to him.

That night my husband called demanding to know why I assaulted his mother. He didn’t even give me a chance to state my own side of the story before condemning me.

It was a familiar pattern with him so I hung the phone in anger. For three weeks he didn’t bother to call. The whole incident was too much for me so I went to his father to register my anger and displeasure at the way my husband reacted. His father still pleaded for patience.

That was five years ago. His father died while he was still in South Africa. He came home straight for his burial preparations. Being the first son, he has two other brothers from his stepmother; everything was suspended until his return. In the frenzy, I forgot about our disagreement.

I didn’t bother to refer to it again just as he too didn’t, more so as his mother became very sick afterwards. Till date, she is still bedridden.

Agatha, five years after that incident, my husband has finally decided to admit what happened all those years. He actually travelled with the lady I suspected him to be having an affair with to South Africa since his company made provision for them to go with their wives.

They have a daughter. From what I gathered, the mother’s sickness began when she was told that the other lady also gave birth to a daughter.

Now his sisters, sick mother and my husband are begging me to forgive them as well as accept the child into my home since the mother has since remarried.

How do I accept the child who was meant to send me out of my home? What would have happened if she were a boy?

I am hurting at the betrayal and the role of my husband because never again would I trust him. I am thinking of leaving the house for him and this child because her presence would forever remind me of the treachery of my in-laws as well as my husband’s betrayal.

I just want to leave his life and home with my daughters. After all, his mother once told me that they are not recognised as children.

I am so confused; please help me before I make a mistake I might regret for life because you are my only hope.

Christy.

 


Dear Christy,

I honesty empathise with you but leaving your home with your children isn’t a solution at all so please perish such thoughts from your mind.

What do you hope to achieve by leaving your home? It simply doesn’t make sense at all. Problems are meant to be solved. Running away won’t make it vanish at all, rather time would complicate things so much it would require another lifetime to put it right.

Don’t make the mistake of your in-laws who are now using extra time to resolve an issue they should have dealt with five years ago.

Doubtless, you have every reason to be bitter, betrayed and very disappointed, you won’t be human if you didn’t feel the way you are feeling now.

If you know you cannot for now trust your reaction, please plead for time and be very frank about why you cannot give them any answer for now. Don’t try to hide your feelings over this matter. Let them know that they have hurt you collectively and you will need sometime to get over the fact that for five years, they and your husband hid the existence of this child from you. Ask them the question if they would have considered it appropriate to come to plead with you if she were a boy.

To prevent you being misunderstood, make it clear that your anger isn’t against the child but the manner under which she was conceived and what her mother and all of them who are now begging you hoped to achieve through her.

This clarification has to be made for the purpose of future relationships.

Don’t lose sight of the fact that this girl and your children are related paternally. They would always have reasons to relate as children of the same father so care must be taken by you not to cause a division, which could lead to a fundamental problem for them. Your role as the woman in the house is not just to have children or care for the emotional needs of your husband, you are also to help provide the children and everyone who comes in contact with your family the attitude to scale life with minimal difficulties.

Refusing to accept this child would be sending the wrong signal to your children. Your reaction would inform how they relate with this child. One of the best gifts you can bequeath to children is never to show them the colours of hatred. Once they know what it looks like, getting them to forget the colours will not be easy. You must therefore do everything within your power to ensure they don’t form their opinion from your own attitude.

This is the time you have to carry your cross on your own. Nobody chose this man for you. What would you tell your children is the reason for leaving their father?

Difficult as this is for you, infidelity among men globally is now a very common trend, one which many wives across the world are learning to cope with without quitting their homes. To quit is to accept defeat and make way for your detractors to laugh at your pain. Life is sweetest when one is able to change one’s pain into strength.

If you leave, he would be free to marry as many women as he wants. If you are not thinking of yourself, what about the children who would have to deal with the issue of having so many step-siblings?

Yes, your husband and his family did the unforgivable but throwing the baby out with the bath water is not a solution.

One way to neutralise the influence of his family over him permanently is to embrace this child and look after her as one of your own. By forgiving him and accepting to look after the child, you prevent him from making the same mistake. If nothing, his family now knows that only God can determine the gender of a child and not them.

As a matter of fact, you should be grateful to God that their attempt to play God in the life of their son failed woefully. God and not you did this so don’t offend the assistance of God by quitting now else you risk being left alone by him to fight your battles. If I were you I would take the child in because from what has happened it shows the great hands of God on your side.

Besides, if from this early age, you learn to invest love in the still barren mind of this child, you stand to reap profitably from the effort.

I appreciate it may not be very easy at first but with time, patience and tolerance would triumph at the end of the day.

With prayers this nightmare would be over, leaving you to again enjoy the joy of your marriage.

Also, with your mother-in-law bedridden, forgive her so that she can have the peace that has eluded her since she stood against the will of God in your life.

It is the least you can do for her because God fought on your side.

Good luck.