Saturday, July 11, 2009

I’m In A One-sided Relationship


Dear Agatha,


I have a major challenge confronting me. I’m about to go into my second marriage years after my ex and I went our different ways.

Sincerely, the decision to go into this marriage didn’t come easy. I’m going into it because a time comes in a woman’s life when she has to have a man by her side, not necessarily for love-making but to have a companion to come back to when all the kids leave the nest.

But I’m really afraid of what I’m going into. My observation of the man is he seems not to care about me at all. It isn’t just about his reluctance to part with money on very little things like buying me a recharge card when I’m low on cash or say it to humour him but his lack of ability to keep to any promise made to me. He would make a promise and at the point of delivery back out.

When I noticed this, I confronted him only for him to give me the impression that he is doing it for a reason. Whatever his reasons are, he refused to discuss them with me and frankly, I’m becoming afraid and uneasy with the entire development.

If I don’t call, he won’t and when he does, it is only to flash me to call him back.

I would have understood if he weren’t comfortable. Like I said, it isn’t just a case of his unwillingness to part with his money but even his time and attention.

I’m now wondering what I’m doing in such a one-sided relationship where I appear to be the only one oiling its wheels? At my age I deserve better, not a man whose heart appears to be somewhere else; whose interest in me seems to be for sex only.

Please help me because I really don’t know what to do. The man is an elderly divorced man too whose children are all grown up.

I’m so confused about the whole thing because in my heart I’m beginning to love him, which is why I take the time to do all the calling and send text messages.

Confused Woman.


Dear Confused Woman,

We find ourselves at some crossroads that get us so confused we don’t know how to progress from that spot.

When God forces on us a cross that appears too heavy for us to carry, the best thing is to go back to Him in prayers for His directions. More than you realise, I appreciate the intensity of the inner battle you are fighting; the signal that you are doing the right thing as well as the light you need to either go back or forward.

Believe me, when I say it is not an enviable position you have found yourself in. Having had experience of men, do you think you can cope? Apart from companionship what are your other expectations for this marriage? I know the bit about a woman depending on her man for certain favours but how much responsibility can men carry these days on their own? The economic situation has made it mandatory for women too to be up and doing to avert the emotional danger of meeting with disappointments anytime she has a need to meet.

Doubtless, he is your second attempt but if he weren’t there you would still have to buy your recharge cards as well as meet all the other financial obligations you have shouldered on your own before his appearance in your life.

The issue of the heart is so tender yet very hardwearing. If you break it in a hurry, its shattering effects as well as regrets never go away. These consequences stay long enough to remind you about what you could have done differently.

I’m glad you are already at the age of wisdom, when the kaleidoscope of life’s ever-changing colours shift away from its exciting patterns to more solid forms. By now you know, no matter how much you try, life will not always go our way. We have to lose something to gain something precious and everlasting. Like you said, sex is no longer a factor. If you want; at your age, you have the freedom to do what you like without answering question from anybody because you now have the sole authority over your body.

Having made up your mind that companionship is what you want from him, sit back and consider how much sacrifice you can make for your happiness. There is no contesting the fact that you have reasons to be apprehensive but you must also learn too that it isn’t easy for him too.

Having lost his first wife, the woman of his youth, he also has some stocktaking to do. He has to be sure he is bringing the right woman, who has the emotional, spiritual maturity to share in his life.

Frankly, this is the time for plenty of caution especially as you love him. In spite of all you have observed about him, he must have his good side; the side of him that makes him important enough in your life to warrant you wanting to spend the rest of your life with him.

At the age you are and with the history you have, those feelings just don’t happen like that. They come from a very deep part of one’s life. It shows he has very promising side; the side that is making you consider matrimony again. Though you didn’t say how long you have been single or your age, the fact remains that he couldn’t have been the first man to approach you for marriage.

All those others you didn’t consider because they lacked what you want in a man at your age.

When issues get this complicated, it pays to move away from the immediacy of the issue causing the complication to the lesser ones for clearer perspective on how to go.

Weigh his positive side with the flaws you have noticed. In doing this, also consider your own imperfections and the likely challenges he is also going to encounter with you. By the time you finish, the step to take with the help and support of God will be clearer to you.

Good luck.