His parents uncooperative, but we are in love

Dear Agatha,

I am in a relationship that is four years old. The lady and I have the intention of getting married. However the problem I am having with her is that my parents aren’t in support of the relationship because we attend different churches. She has accepted to join me in attending my church but they still refused. I am not happy with the situation because I love her so much and derive so much happiness being with her. Please help me out.

Peter.    

Dear Peter, 

What kind of God do your parents worship? Is their God different from the one she worships in her Church? Are Jesus Christ and the Bible they use in your girlfriend’s church different from the Jesus your parents know or the Bible different from theirs? Are you marrying her church or the woman who gives you the most happiness? Is it the church that would give you the peace you desire in the marriage or the woman’s true acceptance of the ways of God? 

Our God isn’t one of confusion. He remains the same through the ages; just as his messages and words to us have remained same. It is unfortunate that more and more people have deviated from the words of God to the Church one attends. A lot of us are replacing our relationships with God to the Church we attend. We have made churches the religion we practise. It shouldn’t be so. 

Ideally, your parents should be concerned about your happiness as well as welfare in your choice of a woman. They should be interested in the kind of temperament, maturity, stability and support your choice of a woman would bring into your life and the family. What if you marry a woman who attends your church but who is lacking in respect for you and them, what would have been their gain?

You have dated this lady for four years. What are your assessments of this lady? How much improvement has she brought into your life? Marriage is about effective communication. It is also about being able to look the other way when one of the parties is misbehaving as well as the endurance to withstand the challenges of two strangers coming together to make a home. It is only when two agree in body and spirit to be one that they can have the perfect kind of understanding required to make an ideal home. 

This kind doesn’t come from attending the same church but from a perfect understanding of each other as well as what they want to achieve through their union. It also comes from having a clear understanding of what God requires and not necessarily from the church one attends or not.

The issue here isn’t what your parents want but what you want. In the first instance you have to be man enough to take a stance on this matter. While your parents have the right to their opinion on this issue, the choice is yours to make, not theirs. They may be your parents, but they aren’t you. What worked for them may not work for you hence the need for you at this early stage to take charge of your affairs to prevent the kind of interference that might destroy your home even before it has the chance to form its identity. 

Even though wives are generally touted to be the cause of disputes between their mothers-in-law and their husbands, reality has shown that in some homes, the men unwittingly lay the foundation for such volatile situation in their marriages even before the woman comes in. Yours is a typical example of this kind of situation. By giving your parents too much say in issues regarding your choice of a wife, you give them especially your mother the permanent key to come and go as she likes in your marriage.

Beyond the issue of church, is another reason your parents aren’t willing to tell you. If truly the issue of the church is what they are bothered about, the offer by the lady to change to your church should have taken care of that particular problem. 

By still insisting they don’t want her, underscores reasons they haven’t still told you. It demands they tell you their motive for not wanting this lady in your life. Make them understand that without you knowing precisely what they want from you, it would be difficult to fault this lady on account of what they are giving as their reason. 

As a man, you should also be able to tell them what informed your choice of this woman from among the lot you dated. You must be able to convince them that you know what you are doing by pointing out to them her unique features and how you may find these qualities difficult to replace in another woman. 

Chances are they may be worried about your readiness to marry hence their desire to help you manage your affairs by insisting on a lady from the same church as you. They probably think such a lady would be under the control and management of the church hence less likely to misbehave and cause problems for you and them in the home.

The onus is sincerely on you to tell them that not only are you in love with this woman but ready as well to brace up to the challenges of having a woman under your roof.

In addition, pray for God’s guidance. It is imperative when deciding on a life partner.

Caught my son sleeping with my wife

Dear Agatha, 

Writing this is a very difficult thing for me. I’m a 68-year-old man. I lost my wife five years ago to heart failure. We were blessed with four children, two boys and two girls. My eldest son is 41 and married. I had to remarry when I just couldn’t cope with the loneliness and hassles of cooking my meals, as well as taking care of the house.

I met my second wife at a friend’s party. She too had been through a marriage and has three children of her own. Because I was interested in marrying her, I requested to meet her children from the very beginning. She also met my children. It was after this that, we got married.

I noticed that she and my sons were very close, especially my first son who initially didn’t really support the idea of my remarrying on the grounds that they didn’t want me having another child outside the four of them. I can’t remember precisely when they became extra close as my son took to visiting my home frequently. 

I didn’t make anything out of it, rather I was glad that my wife and children were getting on. 

When she informed me she was expecting a child, I didn’t exactly know how to break the news to my children but surprisingly, it was my first son who had always campaigned against me having another child outside them that expressed his joy at the news.

I still didn’t think anything was out of place when she gave birth to a boy who was the exact replica of my first son. 

I frankly didn’t suspect anything was going on between my wife and my son until I accidentally came home one day to find my wife and son making love right in our living room. The shock of what I saw landed me in the hospital. But for the grace of God, I would have died. As if that wasn’t enough, my son told me pointedly that he did what he did because he is not only in love with my wife but is the father of her son. 

The issue here is not just my marriage anymore but that of my son’s marriage. The matter is still between my son, my wife and I; none of us has said anything to others. My doctors are worried about my very high blood pressure. Sincerely, I don’t care anymore if I die or live but the issue is how this would affect my children and my innocent daughter-in-law, who has done nothing since entering into my family but love and respect me. I have placed a curse on my son and wife. I have told them they will look for happiness in life and not get it for hurting me in my grey years. 

Agatha, I am so confused and hurt right now. Don’t know what I did to deserve this in my life. I have always prided myself as being a loving and caring father. I want to handle this matter before I die, ensure it doesn’t break up my united family. It is the only way I can rest in peace. Please treat as priority because I know I don’t have a long time to live.

Omololu

Dear Omololu,

This is knotty but one thing is clear you just must reverse the curse you placed on them, not because they don’t deserve it but to give you a good standing before God. You could have died but you didn’t because God wanted you as father to find a solution.

It was needless placing a curse on them because God Himself through His words has already done that. For your son to have slept with the wife of his father shows a great disdain for your person. 

It would help your recovery and effort at finding solution to accept the naked fact that you don’t hold the patent for this kind of incident. A lot of men have walked this embarrassing path before.

Honestly, there is no way you won’t involve your daughter-in-law and your other children in this matter because the life of an innocent child is involved. The child has the right to know who his real father is and since your son hasn’t displayed any signs of remorse at what he has done, keeping quiet about it now is only postponing doom’s day. There is no way you can help him protect his marriage without him first demonstrating a profound remorse at the abominable act he has committed with your wife.

Even if the woman applied the pressure on him, he should not have capitulated to such an act. Not only did he desecrate your marriage but tore apart the bond between the two of you. No temptation should have made him stab you in the back. 

The only damage control you can do is to plead with your children not to allow the matter go beyond them. Tell them the shame of advertising this shameful act would be too much for you to handle and would give the extended family the right to interfere in matters that don’t exactly concern them. 

The first thing is to call your son aside. Ask him where you had gone wrong as a father; what you failed to do and what you did which made him decide to commit this abomination against you. At this point, it is useless getting angry; this matter has gone beyond that. Besides, it won’t change or undo what has happened. For him to be so bold in telling you he fathered the child you think is yours and that he is in love with the woman you call your wife points to an inherent resentment against you. 

The right thing he should have done is to run away and find ways of appeasing your anger, not to stand up to you. It would do you a world of good and your children too if you find out what could has brought up that unrepentant attitude from him. The fact that the two of them didn’t think anything of committing the act in your home also speaks volume. 

Knowing what the real problem is will definitely inform you on how to resolve the issue among your children. 

Follow this discussion by asking him how he intends telling the wife about the paternity of the child you thought was yours. Give him the opportunity of telling you how he wants the issue of his wife and your wife handled. Don’t forget you are also a victim like his wife. He is the lead character in this game hence should have the panacea to its solution. 

Even though he has not treated you like a father, find it in your heart to help him make amends with his wife. With the help of the other children, call the wife and plead with her on his behalf. 

Your role in all these doesn’t end with just talking to the children. As a father, ensure you go in search for a spiritual solution because what affects the head will eventually affect the entire body. Involve your pastor for the spiritual aspect. He has sown a bitter seed, which only the mercy of God can avert in his life as well as those of his children. If you don’t do it because of him, do it for the sake of your grandchildren who would suffer for something they know nothing of. 

What your son did carries a severe spiritual punishment. 

Only your complete forgiveness can help protect him and his children from the repercussion of what he did to you. Leave all the judgment to God and do your bit as the loving and caring father you pride yourself to be. The wisdom of the aged has taught us to accept the mysteries of life with graciousness that comes from the knowledge that there is nothing new under the sun. It is the only way you can fulfill your wish of living a united family behind. 

Ask for the strength and mercy of God. It is important because as parents and adults we do sometimes unknowingly sow seeds in the journey of life that come back to hunt us through our children.

Good luck.