Wednesday, November 23, 2011

He won’t stop seeking sex…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 years of age and in my third year in senior secondary school. I have a boyfriend that is 28 years, an unemployed graduate. I love him very much and praying that God will make it possible for both of us to get married. He really has all the qualities I have always wanted in a man, but he is always demanding for sex. Please help me out.

Funke.



Dear Funke,

Be careful. It is all right to fall in love and have dreams about the future with the kind of man you think would make you happy.

However, there is the need for you at your age to be cautious. There are so many reasons for you to be careful and be watchful of the men you allow into your space.

For you, it is not so much about your age but the academy years you have ahead of you. If at 20, you are in SSS3, it goes without saying that you are just starting out in terms of your educational journey in life.

In the first instance, you don’t even have the basic certificate to pave your way into higher education; the reason you should forget about men for now and concentrate on your studies. You need to pass convincingly well to gain admission into the university. This is because out there are millions of successful secondary school students looking for admission into the university. These days, only the best of the best are admitted into the universities or polytechnics.

This is why you should concentrate all your efforts on your eduation. He has nothing to lose but you have a lot to if you allow him into your body. Not only do you risk getting pregnant but also ending your education at least for the time being.

And by the time you are ready to come back to your educational pursuit, you may not be able to withstand the social shame of going back to finish your secondary shool considering the age you would be at that time.

If this man really loves you, he should patiently wait for you to be ready as he is, finish your study like he has done.

He should know that sex for you now would be a huge distraction. Besides, with what does he plan to take care of you should an accident of pregnancy occur? Any man wishing to be intimate with a woman must have the resources to take care of her when incidences like unplanned pregnancies occur.


Next time he demands for sex, in addition to telling him the kind of future you plan for yourself, ask him how he intends caring for you and a baby if the act leads to you becoming pregnant?

And if he insists on quitting the relationship on account of you not giving in to him, allow him go. Chances are what you think are the right qualities may not be. Don’t be afraid to subject what you feel for him to test. Relationship as with every other thing in life has to be subjected to the different ounces of life.

Be bold in taking your destiny in your hands. There is always time and season for everything. Your season now is to pay more attention to your study and not to place the matter of relationship above what is important to you now. Your ideal man should be more interested in growing your mind than your body.

Good luck.

My father’s mistress is my mum’s friend

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I have always known that my father is having affair with a woman in our neighbourhood. He is always with her and the woman happens to be close to my mother through another friend. This other woman through this friend is now a regular visitor to our home, to the extent that she brings edibles like fruits to my mother. During a recent party in my mother’s family, she not only accompained my mother but was among those she trusted with the cooking and distribution of the food.

I have caught my father severally with her but I don’t know how to warn my mother about this woman she is beginning to get close to. I am afraid for my mother’s life. I don’t want to lose her to another woman’s desire to become my father’s wife.

My father is the kind of man that doesn’t discriminate against any woman that graces his bed. I suspect my mother knows some of his escapades but may have decided to look the other way to preserve her marriage.

Please help me. My mother is really getting too close to this woman for my liking. I am 21 years and the first of my parents’ children. I am too young to be without a mother especially my kind of mother who is responsible for our education and feeding. Without my mother, I won’t be graduating next year at all.

Agatha, I am afraid. I don’t know how to introduce the subject to my mother without breaking her home.

Lola.



Dear Lola,

For a young lady of 21 years of age, you are very sensible and caring. You definitely have all the reasons in the world to be apprehensive because a lot of women have unwittingly fast-forwarded their deaths by befriending their husbands’ girlfriends.

You don’t have to tell your mother the real reason you don’t want her close to the woman to avoid problems in your own family. Your mother may know about all the other women, but finding out that she has unknowingly become very good friends with one of them may really hurt her beyond words.

For a woman that has put in so much for her family, she may not be able to endure the embarrassment of this incident. It may be the last stroke that would break the camel’s back.

There are three things you can do on your own without your mother ever finding out. The first is to go directly to your father. Without being rude, let him know that you are not unaware of his affairs with other women. Tell him while you are willing to ignore all the other women in his life, you will not tolerate a situation where he brings into the house his girlfriend.

Knowing that you are aware of the nature of his relationship with your mother’s so called new friend would moderate his reaction to you especially as he isn’t in a position to exercise excessive authority over you.

Besides knowing that nothing about his other life is hidden from you will make him consider so many things. Most men don’t like losing the respect of their children. He may not be able to control his libido but once you confront him with what you know especially as it regards his girlfriend’s association with your mother, he would take the steps to ensure the two are not friends again. Trust me, men are very good at terminating relationship between their wives and friends they don’t like.

Subtle threats of holding him responsible for anything that happens to your mother would make him really act fast about putting an end to the relationship between your mother and his girlfriend.

Your second visit should be to your mother’s friend. Again, be civil until you find out if she is aware of the relationship between the other woman and your father. But don’t neglect to tell her all you know about what is going on between your father and the other woman. Threaten to report her to your mother and her husband as well as telling the whole world what you know if anything happens to your mother. Chances are she would personally end the relationship to protect her name if not necessarily to protect her relationship with your mother. No woman wants her marriage to break down, so once you make the threat of telling her husband about everything, she would think twice about continuing with her friendship with the other woman.

The final visit is to the woman herself. Here, you don’t have to be subtle or respectful because her kind of woman doesn’t deserve such courtesy. Go with the determination of confronting her. If you cannot go on your own, enlist the help of a male cousin or uncle. Let her know that the next time she comes to your home to see your mother she may not be lucky to go unhurt.

If possible, report the incident of your visit in the nearest Police Station incase she gets nasty.

By the time you finish with all three of them, this woman would stay out of your lives for good.

Also try discouraging your mother from accepting things from people she is just meeting. You could warn her by claiming to have bad vibes about this woman.

Above all, there is the need to really talk to your father afterwards. Find out why he thinks he has to be involved with other women to make him happy. Listen to him even if you think he is wrong. He may really have one or two points against your mother, which you may not be aware of.

Also ask your mother one or two probing questions concerning her marriage and relationship with your father.

This way you would know how to really help your parents have a happier home and marriage. And don’t neglect to rest everything about your parents in the hand of God.

Good luck.

He’s calling for sex 2-month after childbirth

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am a first time mother. My baby is just two months of age and my husband is already asking for sex. My pleas that I am not ready for such intimacy are falling on deaf ears as he keeps insisting that he cannot cope any longer.

It isn’t as if I have any problem stopping me from getting close to my husband but my mother warned me that it was bad for a woman still breastfeeding to allow her husband come near her. She says the baby would always get sick because of the sperm in the mother’s body.

She says it is always best for the mother to abstain from sex until she stops breastfeeding. I asked a friend of mine who began having babies before me, she said her husband didn’t bother her, was contented to wait until she was ready to resume lovemaking.

Other women I asked gave me conflicting answers. I am now so confused about it all hence my decision to ask you for help.

Another reason is that I am not as interested in sex as such. My husband on the other hand is almost addicted to sex. For me, all the attention and demands can be very tiring. I honestly see this chance as my opportunity to rest from his massive attention. But I am also afraid that my refusal could spell doom for me as my husband isn’t the kind of man to exercise too much patience when it comes to sex.

Another thing is how can I bring myself to enjoy sex as much as he does?

Bisi.



Dear Bisi,

Many things go into the making of a perfect marriage and one of those things is honesty. If you are having challenges with the incessant sexual demands of your husband, let him know exactly how you feel about it instead of hiding under a different matter to solve an issue you will never go away from in your marriage.

The more you pretend it isn’t an issue, the more complicated your marriage becomes. And by the time you finally want to talk about it, like a very busy tailor’s thread, the tangle will be too complex to undo. The line between happiness and sadness is so thin, thus your need to be very careful.

This is because bad sex brings with it a load of confusion, suspicion and disloyalty. If your husband is the kind of man who has a suspicious, chances are after a while he would begin to suspect your motive for not flowing with him in the bedroom. And if you happen to be close to a male colleague or a friend of his, chances are he would begin to imagine and impute things that are not into an otherwise innocent relationship.

By the time you realize the reason for his grouchiness, a lot of things would have been affected in your marriage, some beyond repairs or remedy whatsoever.

The flip side of this is pushing him into the willing arms of another woman. Once he strays into the hands of another woman, desperate to have a man in her life, getting him back may not be possible because she would give unselfishly that thing you are finding difficult to give him.

Besides, don’t forget that being married, he has a right over your body. If he doesn’t get it from you, where do you expect him to go? To the arms of another woman?

Even if he agrees to let you be for now, it is temporary. It can never be a long-term solution to the issue you have raised.

Sex is an important ingredient in every marriage. If you want your marriage to last forever, it has to be given its rightful place in your marriage.

What you should do now is to find out why you are feeling stranded in your sex life with your husband. When did it start? If you didn’t marry as a virgin, how was it with you and other men? If you married as a virgin, what is he doing wrong? Is there a particular way you want him to handle you?

To ensure you get a very comprehensive solution to your problem, don’t be shy. Marriage gives you the right to say and demand what you want from your spouse. Like him, there is nowhere you can run to when your body thirsts for that thing that pleases it the most. No matter how uninteresting you find sex most of the time, there are certain days you will feel like having it and would want him to perform at full capacity. Try imagining your feelings if he does it half-heartedly without passion or consideration for your feelings? You will naturally feel bad and unwanted, isn’t it?

This is what your husband feels anytime he makes love to you and you are not putting everything into it. He could be deliberately avoiding a discussion in that direction because he doesn’t want to hurt you but that isn’t to say he will not be bothered about the issue.

This is why you should build up the courage to face the issue squarely. By asking yourself why you appear indifferent to sex, you will find the clue to coping with your husband’s high demands. Chances are if he gets quality performance from you, you could persuade him to cut down on quantity.

Marriage is a journey of compromises. You must be ready to give up something for something. You cannot be under his roof and dislike sex. Of what use then are you to him? He can get any woman he wants to cook, care for his house as well as have children for him. But the reason he wants you in his life has to do with companionship and unhindered access to sex when he feels like it. You are in his house to check his excesses as well as ensure he doesn’t have any reason to stray. The moment you fail to provide him with the essential material, you leave him no choice but to look elsewhere for it.

Sitting him down for a dialogue will help him realise his mistakes and you appreciate your essence in his life. Together, both of you would work something out; something that would make your marriage overcome whatever is thrown at it by life.

Such talks would also help communicate your desires to him on what you want and expect from him. You enjoy sex the best when happy, relaxed and accommodating of the other person’s abilities. It also helps to have a broad sense of adventure.

On the issue of lovemaking affecting the quality of your milk and having negative impact on your baby, it isn’t true. As long as you are comfortable, don’t have any incision that would take time to heal; you are medically fit to resume intimacy with your husband. Medically, after six weeks of normal delivery, a woman can have sex.

I am sure your doctor must have told you at your post-natal examination this. In those days, women used breastfeeding as a form of birth control; a device they used in spacing their children. And in those days, their husbands had more than a wife; hence if one was incapacitated by childbirth, the man had another woman on queue to satisfy his urges.

Women in monogamous marriages cannot afford such luxuries because men are moved by sight. A woman, who leaves her husband out in the cold for too long, should blame no one but herself if he finds pleasure in the arms of another woman.

For the sake of your happiness, ignore your mother’s counsel. Your baby is safe. There is no way sperm in your reproductive system can get into your breasts. It is designed by God to stay within a woman’s reproductive organs and not in any other place.

While the baby has to feed, you also have to keep your husband satisfied as his wife. The woman is equipped by nature to handle both roles as mother and wife effectively. The moment a woman allows one function to overwhelm the other, it signals problems for her and the home.

If he is the impatient kind, it follows that he is only enduring the situation because he loves you. Don’t push him into doing what he doesn’t want to do because you may not be able to handle the repercussion at all.

Furthermore, desist from discussing issues like this with friends because what works for them may not work for you. Men are different in nature. While some men have the patience and power of endurance to stay without sex for a long time, other men cannot stay without it for more than a day. So if you consult a friend whose husband isn’t particular about it, you will get the wrong counsel because she doesn’t have your kind of experience. Since it is a medical issue, the ideal person is your doctor.

Above all, never leave God outside your marriage. It is important.

Good luck.