Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My wife lacks kitchen skill

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

What kinds of women is this nation producing these days? I grew up in a home where my mother took pride in caring for our home, cooking our meals and taking special care of our father. She also taught us all how to cook.

I thought it was going to be like that for me when I married my wife three years ago.

Since marrying my wife, I haven’t had a decent meal in my house. She takes to buying me prepared meals from restaurants or frozen soups prepared and sold by department stores.

I have tried my best to make her change. It isn’t working for me. I went as far as paying someone to come to the house to teach her how to cook, but she is unwilling to be taught.

I am nearly my wits end and don’t know how to handle the matter anymore. My mother at one time offered to teach her, she declined on the grounds that she cannot cook the local meals my mother insists on teaching her. I have gone to her mother who says I should endure the situation.

The alternative is to employ a housemaid, but knowing the kind of temptations women present to me these days, I don’t want to tempt myself beyond what I can manage. Besides, of what use would my wife be in my house if I have to depend on another woman to cook my food under my roof?

I sincerely respect your wisdom and responses to challenging problems you daily tackle.

I would be very happy if you can help me. I don’t want a broken home but if pushed to the walls, I might as well take a walk and find myself a woman who knows how to care for her man.

Do help me Agatha.

Lekan.


Dear Lekan,

A lot of things have definitely changed from when you were a boy and now that you are a man. Women are getting better education and earning good salaries. The global economic situation makes it impossible for women not to work or engage in one form of business. This is because most men cannot afford to shoulder alone the responsibility of caring for their families.

All these added up to the thirst of the modern woman to be in charge of her life, by implications her finances, make it impossible for contemporary women to function in the mode of the old time wives.

This is the reason wives of these days are not functioning at full capacity in their duties at home.

But this is not to say that it is right for women to totally abdicate their duties as wives and mothers. Irrespective of a woman’s official responsibilities, she should make out time to make her impact felt at home.

A wife should ensure she creates time out of no time to cook for her husband and children. A lot of women have been able to manage their jobs with their homes successfully.

Therefore, the issue with your marriage isn’t that your wife is working but her attitude to life generally and marriage in particular. If she wasn’t brought up to appreciate the place of a woman in her home, her duties as wife, there is little you can do to make her change the attitude she is brought up with.

It isn’t just offering to teach her how to cook but changing her attitude towards the whole concept of marriage.

One thing is to ask her what her views are on my marriage. There is no way she can accept a change if her views run contrary to what you desire or think marriage is to you.

That you are both married doesn’t mean she totally agrees with your views on marriage or the generally held one. There has to be a marriage of what she believes and what is generally thought to be the reason we marry. If her views on marriage don’t include caring for her home, cooking or tending to the needs of her husband when he calls, nothing you tell such a woman would make sense to her.

Learning how to cook for you is the easiest part of the challenge confronting your marriage. The greatest task before you both is for her to define what marriage is to her. It would help you know where to come in how to achieve the results that would take your marriage to the next stage.

This is something you must do by yourself, without help from anybody. It also requires wisdom and patience. If you get angry, chances are you would drive her into her shell and make it impossible for her to confide her fears and hopes in you.

Patience is required on your side because what you are attempting to do is to get into an area of her life nobody has ever attempted to go into. It is what makes her who she is and the woman you married.

This is something she may not have discussed with another soul because it bothers on her most secretive side.

This is the root cause of your marital problems. In discussing this with her, be prepared for some surprises because it is often not easy to make swift changes in matters that are this deep rooted. You must first begin with small changes that would not completely scare her off the issue of marriage.

Also in most cases, expectations are wide apart from reality. During the dating period, certain things you may have allowed into the relationship as a man, are now obviously begin to matter to you. For instance, the issue of her inability to cook couldn’t have started after you got married. You must have known from the time you were dating and thought you could cope with it.

The fact that you didn’t complain then, took delight in helping entrench her thinking that you could depend on meals made by others, solidified her stance on marriage. Therefore if you want a total change from what you encouraged during your courtship days, you must be ready to be extremely tolerant as well as tactical in your bid to effect this change.

Also, you have to be ready to create time for both of you to do certain things together. For a woman who doesn’t know how to cook, encourage her while she is making any attempt by being her teacher especially as you can cook.

Chances are, the lessons she was too proud to learn from your mother and the person you employed to teach her, she would take from you.

See this as an opportunity for both of you to build your marriage, become friends, and discover new dimensions for your lives together as well as memorials for your children.

To encourage her to cook, on the day she would be at home, both of you should go to the market, buy foodstuff and soup ingredients to make your favourite.

Expose her to thrills of home made food as well as the fun that comes from combining all the ingredients into something delicious. By the time she sees you performing the magic and helping you with those little tasks, like bringing the palm oil, seasonings, spoons, water and what have you mothers send children to do while cooking, in no time she too would want to try her hand on it.

Because our needs and challenges are different, don’t allow any of your friends or associates discourage whatever attempts you deem fit to make this marriage work.

Some, out of mischief, may label you a hen pecked husband, ignore them because you know what you hope to achieve by doing this for your marriage.

The truth is that she isn’t to blame for her behaviour and attitude towards her marriage. She is only following the examples of the marriages she has been exposed to.

If she was taught how to cook, tend to the needs of her home and husband, there is no way she would completely depart from it. Her mother would have been able to talk some senses into her. Asking you to endure your wife’s behaviour shows that she cannot confront her daughter on her behaviour because there is nothing in her role as a mother to premise her argument on.

Because you have become each other’s responsibility and the happiness of your home your concern, the onus is now on you to help your wife come to the knowledge of what her roles in your life are.

There is a purpose for the training your mother gave you. God knew this day from yesterday hence His reason for making you go through your mother’s catering school.

Furthermore, learn to pray and commit your home to the influence of God. Even if you leave her and go for another woman, there is no telling what kind of challenge you would meet in that relationship.

For this reason, stick to your wife, there is no marriage without its cross. This is your cross; you must device a way to carry it with dignity and grace.

Good luck.

Won’t past abortions hinder her ability to be pregnant?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am always impressed by the motherly way you handled people’s emotional problems.

I really thank God on your behalf and pray for more wisdom. I need your help. At the age of 30 years I still have no solid relationship or a girl friend.

In my bid to get someone to share my life with I logged on to Africhat provided by one of the Telecoms in Nigeria. I met a lady from one of the South Eastern states of Nigeria.

While chatting one day, she told me she had been involved in two abortions in the past. In fairness to her, she has tried so much to make this relationship work. She is 26 years, while I am 31. My fear is that won’t this adventure of hers affect conceptions in the future? I am under pressure to settle down. She seems sincere to me but I am worried. I would appreciate your help.

Worried Man.


Dear Worried Man,

One thing you must first erase from your marriage agenda is the word pressure. Yes people have a right to urge you to marry, given your age and the time to nurture your own children to maturity, but you reserve the final say in your affairs.

Marriage is deeper and complicated than a lot of young persons contemplating it think. Without the right partner by one’s side, a journey meant to be fun could turn out to be one of absolute stress and regrets.

Pressure makes one desperate and desperation makes one prone to avoidable mistakes. Best to wait a little bit and marry someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life than marry someone you think would fit the bill.

As regards this lady, telling you she has gone through two abortions is her way of clearing her past of any cobweb and skeleton that might destroy the relationship you are both trying to build. The fact that she volunteered the information shows a certain degree of willingness on her part to be truthful about herself. Sincerely, not every woman would do this.

Don’t therefore hold it against her for being honest enough to tell the truth concerning her past. Telling you was a risk she willingly took for the sake of the future you are both planning to have together.

If the evacuations were properly done by trained and experienced doctors there is nothing stopping her from having children in future. The problem occurs when women entrust their bodies to quacks or inexperienced doctors.

Besides, abortion isn’t the sole cause of the infertility in women. Sometimes the fault may come from the man. Statistics show that almost 50 percent of infertility issues in marriages come from men. The fact that a man experiences erection and able to be intimate with his woman doesn’t make him healthy enough to impregnate a woman. A lot of men have sperm quality that isn’t enough to power reproduction in their wives.

If you want to go with this woman, learn to trust her. She has told you about herself. There is nobody without a past. The fact that you haven’t been able to attract a stable relationship at 30 would be a source of concern to another woman. A lot of women would wonder if you are normal not to have had a workable relationship at your age.

The complexity of life is such that every step we take can be given millions of interpretations, hence always best to ignore things we can ignore and to avoid as much as possible judging the deficiency of others around us.

Wisdom demands that you don’t search too deeply into the cupboard of her past, to avoid a greater skeleton being discovered in your cupboard of time. What should matter to you now is the point at which you met her.

Given the choice to do what she did in the past or you for that matter, chances are that none of you would willingly make such a mistake again.

Beyond what you already know about her, there is the need for you both to arrange a meeting. Nothing compares to eye contact when it comes to the choice of who to spend the rest of one’s life with.

You have to make the effort of giving yourselves the chance of getting to know what each of you look like, want from life as well as your attitudes towards those little things that appear very unimportant now. These seemingly unimportant things are the reasons most marriages are today hitting the rock. Something as minute as not having the right attitude towards hygiene has been known to damage a marriage beyond repairs.

In addition you must learn to become good friends first before you can talk of marriage.

At this point, give both of you a chance to grow this relationship by having an opened mind as well as the right attitude towards life.

Good luck.

My housemaid is pregnant for my hubby

Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626



Dear Agatha,

My husband is bent on marrying our housemaid and I am not finding the situation funny since he is making a public show of it; besides the lady in question is already five months pregnant.

I only got to know recently because I come home late from workand leave early. The most worrisome thing is the unrepentant attitude of my husband who blames me for this shameful act of his.

He says if the housemaid is good enough to look after his home, care for my child, wash his clothes, cook his food then she is good enough to be his wife.

I find this argument irritating and of no help to our situation because he knows the nature of my job. I happen to be a branch manager of a bank. The dictates of my job leaves me with little time for my family; the reason I employed the housemaid to fill the void my absence creates in my home.

I decided to pick the bills of this lady myself so where have I gone wrong? The excuse that I am not always around doesn’t hold water with me because right from the beginning, he knew cooking wasn’t something I enjoy doing.

I am ready to forgive him but he is making it almost impossible for me by refusing my suggestion that the pregnancy be terminated so she can go her way. I can afford to pay her off to stay away from my husband and home.

I am really confused as to how to handle this issue as I cannot afford to share my husband with another woman let alone my paid help.

Although his family isn’t saying anything on the matter but I sense approval somewhere going by the utterances of his mother who blames me for not always being around.

I didn’t expect my husband who is a top lawyer to descend to the level of sleeping with a paid help or to have the time for that matter.

I wonder what kind of marriage he hopes to have with a lady who only managed to pass her Senior Secondary Certificate Examination.

Nothing much is coming from my parents too. Except for my immediate junior sister, I am almost on my own on this issue.

I am not too afraid of this ever happening because as a lawyer he knows the implication of marrying another wife since we got married in both the church and registry. I am prepared to go into legal tussle with him but how do I get this lady and my husband to agree to terminate this pregnancy?

Despite what has happened, I love my husband and want to keep my marriage. Besides, my son needs his father’s presence. I cannot imagine being unmarried.

Please help me find a solution because I lack the idea of how to go about it.

Timileyin.




Dear Timileyin,

You are arrogant! This attitude won’t help you regain your home and husband. If you are desperate to make your marriage work, please come down from your high horse and get real. The issue at hand has gone beyond what you want to what is practicable.

There is no way your husband or this girl would agree to the termination of a five months old pregnancy. If they agree to it, would it stop the two of them from meeting outside your home and continuing with their relationship or stop him from marrying her under native laws and customs? You can only sue if he marries under the common law but if he decides to do it under native laws and customs, there is nothing you can do about it.

Being a lawyer, he understands and knows the law better than you do so the possibility of you defeating him in court is very slim. Chances are he would have taken all the areas of the law into consideration before insisting the lady keeps the pregnancy.

Sincerely, you cannot afford to be confrontational because you are the cause of everything happening in your home. Had you devoted time to your family, cared for your husband, made out time to learn how to cook as well as prepare his meals on the weekend that you are at home, he won’t have any reason to look elsewhere. The fact that you didn’t notice that your paid help was pregnant until the pregnancy clocked five months speaks volume of the time you spend at home as well as the quality of attention you give to the people you live with.

If you were more attentive to your home, you would have long discovered that this lady is in the family way before this pregnancy got to this advanced stage.

Honestly, you are to blame for the mess your marriage has become. Men are like children. They only appreciate the hands that feed and care for them. What do you expect from a man you have neglected for your job? Whatever his educational background may be, he has feelings and is turned on by the simple things that make a man happy. Sexual feelings and urges are primitive so also are the basic things that make men happy. If the educated woman he married is not available, neglects his needs and prefers her official responsibilities to that she owes her family, is he to blame for wanting something different?

You gave your meal to the cat. The reason men marry is to have a woman to care for their needs as men. Not every man wants a show piece for a wife; most men want real women, the ones who can cook and care for their homes. This is the primary responsibility of any woman going into matrimony. If the house maid is good enough to care for your husband and child, care for your home, cook his meals as well as prepare his bed, then she is as well good enough to sleep on the bed she made.

If you were around, there is no way your man would have had all the time in the world to sleep and get your house maid pregnant without you noticing the closeness and acting fast to avert this kind of mess. The fact that an educated man like your husband is determined to allow her keep the pregnancy and marry her should warn you of the futility of you insisting on what you want.

You need humility to negotiate yourself back to relevance into the heart of this man. If your own parents appear not to be on your side, then you must have overdone it.

First, you need to mellow down on your insistence that the pregnancy be induced. This is one pregnancy you have to accept and deal with. The only way to deal with it is to offer this lady all the support to give birth safely. It is only after then that you can negotiate with your husband where the baby stays. Frankly, the best thing to do is to offer to be a mother to this child; take on the responsibility of caring and looking after this child.

But before then, you must decide which is more important to you. Your job or home! While no one is asking you to be a full time housewife, you must think of a job or business that would give you the time to be a mother and wife in every sense of it. You have to make yourself relevant and very available in his life and home to neutralise whatever advantage this other lady has over you.

Making such offer to your husband would show your seriousness at making this marriage work. Your efforts to make amends at this critical time would determine if he would become sorry or not.

It is tough but you must be prepared to suffer further humiliation by being stupidly humble in the process of getting your husband from the arms of this woman you unwittingly pushed him into.

Own up to your own mistakes in your attempts to work something out with him. This is not time for you to blame him for this mess. You have to soften him first before blaming him for his weakness as a man.

Anger and trading blame won’t help you now. To do that would be to kiss away your marriage and home. There is no marriage without challenges but the wisdom and determination of the woman in the house often than not ascertain where the marriage would eventually berth. You must find out apart from the obvious ones the other things that you are doing wrong to have made your husband look elsewhere. You only found out because the woman in question is your house-help. Had he decided to do it far from home, you wouldn’t have known until the situation got really out of hands.

For the sake of the love you have for your home, be prepared to do whatever you have to do to make this marriage work for you including praying for the mindset to put the important things on the front burner.

Good luck