He keeps comparing me to another woman

Dear Agatha, I very much love the man I have been dating for some months now. But his problem is that he isn’t contended with what he has as he is always comparing me with a girl I don’t even know. He keeps saying he wished I was as beautiful as this mystery lady. From snippets I put together through our conversations, he refused to submit to the pressures of his friends that he ask this particular girl out, because she was too close to him and like a sister to him. When I told my friends about this, they urged me to discontinue with the relationship which I did. I want to know if I did the right thing. When he came back from school, his attitude changed towards me. He didn’t even acknowledge my friends and I when we went to visit him. Worried Girlfriend. Dear Worried Girlfriend, Having contentment in one’s life and choices is what gives joy to anyone in life. Without it, your boyfriend can never be a happy person in life. This is because, rather than your boyfriend to concentrate energy discovering who you are, growing your relationship, he is busy wishing for something or someone else. As a result, he will never have the time to appreciate you, no matter how hard you try to please him or show him how much you love him. His lack of sensitivity alone to openly tell you he wished you were as beautiful as the other lady speaks volume of his regards for you. To continue to stay in a relationship with this kind of man; is to put yourself in a position of constant emotional pains and disappointment. He will eventually destroy your self-esteem as well as trust for any man that comes your way for a relationship. You really didn’t need your friends to tell you to quit the relationship; you should have done it on your own. No woman worth her self-respect would wait to be told to leave a man who doesn’t respect her feelings at all like this man keeps doing. He isn’t the only man on earth. Stop visiting him and move on with your life unless of course you enjoy being humiliated and toyed with. Furthermore, what kind of reception were you hoping for when you went to visit him? Did you think he would welcome you and your friends with open hands? He cannot be more explicit in the expression of his feelings towards you. He doesn’t like and want you at all. He has made it clear that his heart and soul are with the other girl and could be using you to make her jealous so as to notice him. Refuse to be so used especially as the boy hasn’t hidden his true feelings from you. It would be mere stupidity on your part to hope for anything better from this man in his present state of mind. Besides, where do you begin in your task to please this kind of man? How do you propose to attract his attention towards you and your inherent values as a woman when his mind is fixed on another woman? This is the kind of man who will after getting at your kernel; throw you out of his life without thinking about it twice. I appreciate you cannot choose who you fall in love with but you have the power to dictate how you want to be treated in the relationship. Yes, it would hurt you to let go of someone you have certain level of love for but in certain cases like this, it is for the best. Good luck.

I have loved her for six years but…

Dear Agatha, I have been in love with a girl for the past six years and haven’t been able to express my love to her due to fear, shyness as well as not wanting to suffer heartache in case she doesn’t want me in her life. Please tell me how to approach her or what to do. David. Dear David, Your problem is lack of confidence. Unfortunately, without it, there is nothing you can do successfully in life. You would be like a ship without a captain. Confidence is what gives character and definition to our aspirations in life. Life is like an ocean that gulps up anything that isn’t well defined or secured. You don’t need it simply because you want to have a relationship with a girl: no, you need it because life demands it of you. There will always be tough and challenging situations in your life when the amount of confidence you have in yourself will win the game for you. Don’t do it because you have a girl in mind; do it as a tool of self-development and actualization. Fear is one spirit you should never give accommodation to in your life as it has the ability to rob you of everything God has invested in you. It won’t allow you ever move beyond a point. Fear is like a restraining chain around your legs. Take for instance the issue of this girl you have wasted six years pining for. Consider what you could have done with those years you have invested in loving a woman you cannot even tell. If you were to value those years in terms of achievements, you will discover you have lost millions of Naira on wanting a woman you are afraid to approach. In terms of physical achievement, it is the time structure, a child spends in secondary school. Can you then imagine how destructive fear is and how it can rob one of precious dreams? What assurances do you have that someone else with confidence hasn’t told her already the things you want to tell her and is in her life now? Time and life do not wait for anyone. Life abhors vacuum; it will always find ways of filling whatever void is created. When a girl-child reaches a certain age, men will naturally ask for her hand in relationship. In a young woman’s life, six years are like a lifetime. If you remove six years from her reproductive life, what would she be left with? When a man wastes too much time dilly-dallying on whether to approach a woman for a relationship or not, he makes way for another man without inhibitions to win the battle of her heart. If your fear is that of rejection; six years are too long a time for you to get over your fears. Moreover, it is part of a woman’s physiology to reject a man for the first time. Even if she is madly in love with the man, the average girl is taught to price herself right by declining a man’s offer the first time. Therefore, if you are not ready to be rejected by a woman, suffer heartbreak, you are not ready for the serious things of life. This is because a woman’s heart is a very precious and priceless jewel which only the toughest of men win. As a man you must accept it as a vital part of your life. The best things in life are those things time and energy are invested into. For gold to emerge from stone, it has to go through a process of intense heat; just like the lump of clay has to endure difference processes; including heat to be beautiful and defined. I agree that you can be shy, but when it is lasting a lifetime, you need to do something fast about it. You must learn to conquer by going through various decrees of rejection by women to emerge a better and confident man. Life isn’t meant to be easy; it is a mix of pains and joys which demands the baby coming into the world to struggle to get out of the mother’s womb. It is either, you learn to be a man in the real sense of it or forever hide inside your shell by watching the world go by. You can be sure that for every woman that rejects you, there are two ready to accept you for what you are. Besides, women use the determined resilience of a man as barometer to judge his seriousness hence set impossible hurdles for men they really like. If you like this girl, the worst she can do is to turn you down. But it would be on record that you at least tried. There are no fast and hard rules about approaching a woman. A simple smile and hello can get both of you talking. If you don’t know what to say thereafter, tell her you are shy and would appreciate if she is your friend. Wooing a woman is all about taking one step at a time. If she finds something interesting in you, no matter the level of your shyness, she will engage in a meaningful discussion with you. And if she turns you down, at least be happy you were able to break the ice once and for all. That itself is something worth celebrating. Good luck.

Please help me stop this habit

Dear Agatha, I’m a 17 year old boy that who can’t stop reading or watching pornographic films and materials. No matter how I try to stop, I just can’t. Another problem of mine is that I don’t want to have a girlfriend but I always find myself asking girls out. I’m tired and confused. Please help me out. Concerned Boy. Dear Concerned Boy, It depends on the company you keep and the things you allow into your mind. First cut yourself off from the supply of the books and materials. If you get them from the internet; it might be a little difficult but once you have the determination to, you will succeed. It is also important you ask yourself the benefit you get from watching other people’s fantasies. What has this habit contributed to you positively? Is it something you are proud of and can broadcast to the public? Once you cannot openly tell the world this is what you do, then such a thing isn’t worth your time or attention. At 17, your life is too fragile to peg it on things that aren’t worth your while. There is the need for you to change your company if you want to beat the habit. At your age, sex holds so much fun and attraction which if allowed to fly, could really stop you from achieving success in other areas of your life. Since you have made up your mind to change, concentrate more on issues that are time consuming like your books and energy sapping activities like football. By the time you get home, your mind would be just on one thing, to sleep as your body would be too weak to sustain you. Also avoid being alone for too long to stop the temptation of going back to it. The Bible is one book that can really help you grow out of this habit. Befriend it and let it work wonders for you. Good luck.

What do I do with her?

Dear Agatha, Thank you for the way you help people solve their various problems. I’m a boy of 18 years of age. A year ago when I was in secondary school, I started dating this girl I loved so much. I told her the way I felt about her and we started dating but she never told me how she felt about me. I asked whether she loved me and she said that I should wait till after our final external examinations. So I let her be but she kept coming to me each time I am in the company of a particular girl I have no intention to date. When I asked what she wanted she said she just wanted to know if I was still interested in dating her to which I replied in the affirmative. After our Senior Secondary Certificate Examinations (SSCE), when I went to ask to ask her again what about her feelings towards me, she still didn’t give me any clear answer. At that point, I told her I could no longer continue to wait for her but that we can remain friends, an offer she accepted. But I made a promise to stay away from any relationship with a woman until I was sure that I wanted to get married. After our graduation, we lost contact; I also lost my father that year. Somehow she got to know about it and called to sympathize with me and has been calling me occasionally, to know how am faring. Honestly, I don’t know what to make of her calls; whether to ensure I don’t forget her or not. Unfortunately, I have since moved on with my life of which she isn’t part of it anymore. I want to pursue my Canadian SAT Exams with all seriousness. When I made my intentions known to her, it wasn’t with the intent to engage in premarital sex but to have her in my life. I loved her with everything in me. I need your help. Chibueze. Dear Chibueze, Ordinarily, after going through your mail, I should tell you to forget this girl and concentrate on your studies. But something about you demands I give this letter more than a passing attention. Your depth of reasoning gives you a maturity far beyond your age; one, men older than you don’t have. Sincerely, for a young man of 18, you appear very focused and clear on your future. This is rare and commendable. Most young men these days that approach girls for a relationship have one thing in mind; to have sex with the girls. Therefore, most young girls not ready to go the whole way have learnt to keep their distance from men generally. This is because they don’t want any complications whatsoever in their lives. From her attitude and body language, this girl likes you but isn’t exactly sure what you want from her hence her hesitations. Sometimes, it isn’t just enough to tell a girl you like her; the man must be definite about what he wants from her. This is necessary for girls who too are determined to make it in life. She is fearful that going into a relationship with you might either contaminate or spoil the dream she and her parents have for her. Maturity demands that in situation like this, you first woo her to talk about herself, dreams, vision and mission. She needs assurances that she will always be safe with you. She has refused to give you the clear cut answer you need because you appear unwilling to make the kind of reassuring commitments she needs. She was afraid to say anything because she was torn between her dreams and her body chemistry. She didn’t want to betray either of them. She naively thought keeping quiet would give you the signal of her true feelings for you even though she was trying so hard not to say it. Had you been more experienced and knowledgeable about the ways of women, you would have decoded her true feelings from her attitude. Besides, true love doesn’t die; it could become dormant but it never vanishes like you are making it out to be. If you say you are determined to keep it under the lid forever, I will understand but to say you no longer feel anything for her on account of her refusal to give you a definite answer, cannot be right. The fact that you are sufficiently bothered enough to send this mail itself is enough evidence that you are not as indifferent to her as you want to believe. Deep inside, you still have feelings for her just that you are still angry by what you perceive to be her rejection of you to give your feelings detailed thoughts. There are certain things in life that are too powerful to fight. Trust me, true love is one of them. You can deny its existence all you like but, if it is the real thing, you cannot fight it. No matter how busy you get or crowded your mind is, with things you deliberately put there to make you forget it, true love will always find a way. It is useless trying to fight what you cannot win. Besides, you will always wonder in later years, when you are older and more deep in the ways of women, if you did the right thing by not taking that vital step in this situation. What appears right to you now might be a mistake you will forever regret. By making the appointment to see her and talk things over with her, you would be putting the past in its proper perspective; ensuring that you don’t spend the rest of your life brooding over a mistake that might be too late to retrieve. In seeings her again, perish the hurt of the past by liberating your mind to really hear her out. Don’t give her an attitude at all. Come to her as a friend; who really likes her and is determined to hear her out. By thanking her for her concern, talk about your father; the reason she came back into your life before talking about your plans for the future. End it by going back to the reason you wanted to see her again; your love for her when you were in school. This time, be explicit on what you felt for her and what you hoped to achieve with her. Putting your feelings for her then in the past tense is to give you an escape route just in case she doesn’t want you back to you. It is only after this discussion that you can effectively conclude on this relationship; gain the complete liberty to move on without any form of regrets in the future. Good luck.

He wants her at all cost

Dear Agatha, There is this cousin to my neighbour who is asking my sister out. My sister is in a serious relationship and didn’t hide this fact from this man. Despite this, he insists on dating her. He says he does not care and that he won’t give up on his desire to date her. He offers my sister gifts which I always tell her to refuse to avoid problems in future especially with her boyfriend. Recently, her phone went bad and he’s offering to buy her a new one. He is also offering to help her get an international passport. Will it be right for her to accept gifts from him? Loveth. Dear Loveth, You are right to be wary of her receiving gifts from this man. There is no point toying with the food she isn’t ready to eat. To do that would be to court trouble and bring pains to herself eventually. Besides, one of the cardinal rules in life is contentment. Anybody who isn’t satisfied with what he or she has, risks losing everything at the end of the day. She has to learn from this early in her relationship and life to be comfortable with whatever she has. For a woman; this is really important as her man, no matter how rich can never give her everything in life. There will always be something a man, no matter how affluent, will not be able to give to his woman. It could be having the time to be with her. For any relationship to succeed, every woman must be faithful to her heart and choice. She must learn to have faith in her man. For her to be so serious with her current boyfriend; it means he has something to offer her as well as the fact that they have found joy and peace in each other’s company. If she is wise, she must do everything to protect this relationship and not fall prey to the temptation that this man offers. The sad thing about all this, is the possibility of her never finding a man to be serious with her if through her capitulations to this new man’s pressures, she loses her boyfriend. Good and responsible men are hard to find these days. In addition, money isn’t everything. A man may have money but could be lacking in those essentials a woman needs in her relationship to be happy. That man trying by all means to buy her love with presents is convinced beyond reasonable doubts that every woman has her price. He is determined to have her to prove that point. Chances of him giving her the kind of respect she wants from a man are very slim. He would always wonder at her honesty and loyalty especially around men who are more prosperous than he is. He would always hold on to this opinion of her that, since he could buy her off a serious relationship with gifts, all another interested man has to do for her to fall for him, is to flash her with money. I am sure this isn’t the kind of reputation she wants for herself. Let her know that the best gift she can give herself is respect. No matter how difficult things her with current boyfriend, she should learn to endure. She isn’t a cattle that goes to the highest bidder; she is a woman who is in love and true love is priceless. If this man has any respect for her, he won’t be trying so hard to make her break her relationship with the other man. A reasonable man would have backed off once knowing of her existing relationship. The fact of the matter is this; the moment she capitulates to this man’s pressures, if another woman comes his way, he would dump her like a sucked orange and go for the other woman because deep down, he has won the bet he entered into with himself. Let her know, this guy is on an ego trip to use whatever means to win the battle of her heart. Besides, once she begins to accept his gifts, she would be under the obligations to do whatever he demands of her. There is no way she can insist on anything. The best thing is not to commit herself to him by refusing anything from him. This way she would earn his respect the more. I am sure if this man didn’t come her way; she would have found a way around her phone problem by repairing it. As her elder sister, remove her from temptation way by asking her to relocate for the time being. She really must resist the temptation to remain happy. Encourage her to pray because for some women; this is the point they get it all wrong in life. Just one small mistake can change the course of things for her. Also, how will she explain the gifts to her boyfriend? What message signals will she be communicating to both the new man and her boyfriend by accepting these gifts? Even if there is nothing between them at the end of the day, she would have done a significant damage to her relationship by accepting those gifts because her boyfriend will never completely trust her again. Even if she is tired of her relationship, there are better ways of ending a relationship without compromising her reputation. Good luck.

He is too jealous

Dear Agatha, I am in severe emotional pains. This is because the man I am currently in relationship with is very jealous to the extent I cannot talk to any man except him. Although he promised to marry me but we are always quarreling, as a matter of fact, every second. I don’t know what to do; either to end it or continue with the relationship. Please help me. Joy. Dear Joy, Of what use is a relationship where the couple quarrels every second of the day? When do you both have time to blend, discover your values and importance to each other if all you do is disagree because one of you is too jealous to be reasonable? Trust is an essential part of a relationship. Without this, there is no way both of you can function as a couple. You both must find that equilibrium in your emotions to exist as one entity. He has to scale down on his jealousies while you have to be more transparent in your dealings with him to erase every doubt he may have in his mind concerning your loyalty to him. First you have to take the time to find out why he is this way. You must understand the premise he is coming from else you will never comprehend how deep his insecurities are. It is either he had a very terrible experience in the past or that he is generally an in-secured man. Sit him down to ask for explanations on why he thinks you are dating every man you talk to. While jealousy is natural to mankind; the kind you describe is not normal. If you cannot talk to any man at all, how does he expect you to work or do business? How will you ever get by and cope with such a man? From experience, this isn’t something you should treat with levity or go into at all. The truth of the matter is, overtime, such men become violent and very unpredictable. To marry such a man is to sign your death warrant as he could kill in a flash of jealousy. There is no taming a man prone to jealousy. Not only are such men violent but are always depressed; two emotions dangerous for peace and harmony in any relationship. Knowing what his problems are is only part of the solution; your major challenge would be getting him to beat the habit. Frankly, this kind of habit cannot be trashed so easily or within a day. It takes certain kind of patience, sacrifice, tolerance and stubborn determination. There are times he would become wild, unmanageable and very unreasonable. Will you be able to cope with knowing your man is like a gun powder that can go off anytime? This isn’t time to be sentimental but for you to face reality by refusing to lead yourself into a situation that will make you very miserable at the end of the day. Sometimes, it is best to remain single and be happy than to be married and be miserable. The choice is really yours to make at the end of the day. Good luck.

How can I be a good husband?

Dear Agatha, How can I be a good husband? Eme Dear Eme, So many factors come into play in every marriage. Some are general to all marriages while others are peculiar to the individuals involved. Therefore to be a good husband, you must take time out to know everything there is to know about your wife. Get to read her like a book, making efforts to know precisely what God’s story line for her life is. This is absolutely important for proper integration of your person into hers. This is the foundation of being happy and having a peaceful marriage. Knowing God’s purpose for her will determine how far you can push her or what to expect from her at any given time. Besides it will assist you in knowing when she does something deliberately and when it is in line with her nature. Like men, there are no two kinds of women. Every person is different; this is the mystery of God hence each person’s reaction to an issue will always be dissimilar. By learning to appreciate her dissimilarity to everything you have been used to, including all the women that have graced your life, you open yourself to learning new things about her and from her ways. It is like watching a child grow. Every stage of a growing child is laced and patterned with different hues of colours which brings new excitement to the parents. As a good husband, you should be able to notice when she is making the extra effort to please you or change for your sake. Most often, problems arise when a woman thinks her husband isn’t paying her the kind of attention she deserves. A woman likes to be complimented on her looks, new hairstyles, cooking and housekeeping. She practically comes into bud when complimented by the man who has her heart. Without much efforts from you, she will go the extra mile to make sure he is happy and contented with everything at home. But she gets very hurt, edging and troublesome when she is ignored or not appreciated. No woman wants to hurt or misbehave to a man who cares so much for her. Therefore, learn to be caring, attentive and appreciative of whatever efforts she puts into the marriage. Even when you think she isn’t doing enough, first show appreciation for the little she is doing before voicing whatever complains you have. This way, she will listen better than you just complaining about her efforts. That you are the man of the house doesn’t mean you should be lacking in respect for her person or values. At all times, learn to be respectful of her position as your deputy. Without her, there would be no home or family. Therefore, protect her position by limiting your anger as well as displeasure with the way she is doing certain things to the bedroom. Not even your children should witness your quarrels because they were not there when both of you met or made the decision to spend your lives together. When a man exposes his wife to the mockery of others, by fighting or beating her in the presence of others, he is unwittingly destroying his home. Don’t ever make the mistake of beating her. The tongue of a woman is very sharp and indiscriminate. When let loose, it can cause great damage. Learn to develop the strength and will to resist her anger. Because a woman talks before she thinks. If you know you cannot withstand the pains of her tongue, when she gets angry, walk away or leave the room for her. Not many men have the capacity to tolerate the kind of words that come out of a woman’s mouth when angry. By electing to walk away from the scene, you are giving your marriage the chance to survive against all odds and buying respect for yourself and family. The truth is that nobody hears or is a witness to the caustic and provocative tongues of the woman but everybody does when the man reacts by beating her. At the end of the day, the man gets the label of being violent and irresponsible. Be wise and avoid what will make others gather in your house to settle any marital rift. That you are avoiding confrontation doesn’t mean you are weak, it just shows that you are man enough to manage your internal problems judiciously. It also indicates your ability to compartmentalise your life, giving each subject its place. The man who takes pride in using muscles to settle marital problems is seen as weak and unbalanced. It infects every aspect of his life because, when sourcing for qualified hands to handle sensitive positions, domestic violence could stand in his way of progress. Men who command the absolute respect of their wives are those who have mastered the act of controlling their tempers. The fact that you don’t even raise your voice when arguing with your wife is enough to keep the woman in check and very respectful of you. As a husband, learn to show understanding always. Like you, she has her moments and moods; particularly as a woman. There are particular times of the month when hormonal imbalances influence a woman to behave out of tune. This is when she needs you to bear with her, understand her and offer whatever help you can no matter how minute. Because often than not, women don’t even understand these changes themselves, it is essential her husband makes the effort to help her by observing the particular time of the month when she becomes edgy. Although some men think it is unnecessary and something that has little to do with them; the truth is they are very wrong. When the woman of the house is happy, she affects everybody at home just as her bad moods. By going that extra mile to make it your business, you would be protecting your marriage from having too many contentious issues to resolve. With just a measure of little attention and action by both parties some of the challenges that later become home-breakers, can be averted. You also have to imbibe the habit of confiding and talking to her. Remember as your partner for life, she has a greater stake in your affairs. Engage her in all discussions because when the chips are down, she will be the only one standing by you. By talking to her, she becomes your best friend and confidant in addition to being your partner. As a friend, you are most likely to forgive her anything because this is what friends are for. In the bedroom, make sure you aren’t selfish. Good marriages take two to manage. Allow her the lead sometimes by encouraging her to experiment with ideas of her own. And when you take the lead, make sure you place her satisfaction too on the front burner. Always ask if she is okay with whatever you are doing as a husband. To keep the romance burning, take her out occasionally, buy her gifts, send her romantic messages just as if you were both still dating. Also, by developing a keen sense of joke, you make things that ordinarily should be difficult easy to do. And as a father, always make out time for the children. Get to know their friends, what they are doing in school by attending some of their ceremonies. Create a family time for you all to talk and grow as a team. And as the head of the home, ensure you show the right example by your involvement in the things of God. There must be a family time to pray and fellowship with God daily because He remains the head of every home. Besides, He is the only one you should allow into your marriage. Keep third parties out of your marriage at all times for peace to reign. In addition always insist on settling every disagreement so it doesn’t build up to a level you both lose yourselves in the problems. Good luck.