Dear Agatha,
I have a problem, which I want to share with you. I am a newly married lady; my husband is the first son of his family. His immediate younger brother is married with two children.
To help his brother out of the financial crisis he was experiencing, my husband gave him one of his buses to drive. My husband told him to use whatever money he made from driving the bus to fend for himself and family.
About three weeks after, he returned the bus with the excuse that he didn’t like the bus and that my husband should give him the bus he was using instead.
Thereafter, he refused to care for his wife and children prompting his wife to come to our mother-in-law to complain about his attitude. After listening to her complaints, our mother-in-law gave her some foodstuff and told her to come back.
After she left, our mother-in-law came to my husband to collect money for her own business as well as money to care for his other siblings and their families. As things stand now, my husband is solely responsible for the upkeep of the extended family including paying their rent, their children school fees, buying of clothes and all other expenses.
I am not comfortable with the way his family is treating him and how his brother has refused to do anything. More worrisome is the attitude of my mother-in-law, who sees nothing wrong in making my husband provide every kobo and thing for her and all his siblings.
I have tried to caution my husband against this attitude of his especially as we are planning our own family. I am not saying he shouldn’t help but I am of the opinion that it isn’t fair for his family members, including his brother, who is married to leave the responsibility of fending for the entire family to my husband alone.
Please advise me on what to do before I do something drastic.
Favour.
Dear Favour,
Don’t get involved if you want to enjoy the love of your husband and peace in your home. There is no way you can take on the whole family at the same time. This is because they are used to making your husband pick up their bills and since he has been doing that without complaining or thinking ahead of the consequences of putting himself all out for the comfort of his family, the family will rise in unity against you.
With a man like your man, you have to be careful because he is far too deep in his act and may not think anything of sacrificing you in the process.
The fight you are up against isn’t just a physical one, it would stretch to be a spiritual one aimed at ensuring you leave their golden pot for them particularly as his mother is in full support of the current arrangement. So, be careful what you say, how you say it as well as the attitude you put up.
Your husband has tolerated this treatment from them long before you came unto the scene so, if he is tired of it, he knows how to end it without your help or suggestions.
To ensure you and your children are not impoverished by his attitude towards his family, the best you can do is to get money from him to begin a business irrespective of whether you are working or not. This is to serve as a sort of insurance for you and the children when they start coming. Being his wife, you have the advantage of knowing when he has more than enough, when he is in the right mood, how to get him into it and how to woo him without him suspecting anything to do your bidding.
It also means that you must be careful not to have a joint account with him or any joint venture because of the way his extended family is structured. The reason for this is simple; to ensure his immediate family doesn’t suffer too much from his generous attitude to his family members as well as to reduce drastically the tension women feel when they feel their husbands are investing all the money meant for them and their children on other people.
One ace you can use to get him to go along with your plan is not to fight him over his family. It is a mistake many women make which earns them a lot of problems with their husbands who in turn become so hostile. Remember the motive is not to build a wall of Jericho between your husband and his family but to help him plan his life so he isn’t left high and dry in his old age when he can no longer run around for himself let alone for anybody. It is also to help your home remain calm and peaceful, which would never happen if you are constantly depending and expecting your husband to provide you with everything.
It is at this point you would do something drastic, unreasonable and cause a tsunami in your home. But if you begin now to prepare for it and how to avert it, you would not have to say any word against or in support of your husband’s attitude to get him thinking.
The naked truth of this whole situation is that you have to be up and about as well as invest wisely because whether you like it or not, your children will never come first in his scale of preference.
This has nothing to do with his feelings for you but the powers at play in his life. He may love you so much but given the strong hold his family has over him, it isn’t going to be an easy ride for you at all.
You have to be as wise as a serpent to survive the peculiarity of this family. Learn to be very diplomatic when the issue of his family welfare comes up. If you cannot withstand it, leave the room when they come to protect yourself from hearing whatever it is they want to discuss. Ensure you don’t antagonise him and if you must underline the danger of his undefined help, if it is telling too much on the welfare of your immediate home, point him to it without making it obvious that you are angry or upset.
A lot would depend on your level of tolerance as well as ability to control your temper. On your own, give what you can even if it is a sympathetic ear to their demands.
Be friendly, treat them well when they come on a visit, feed them if there is food at home and when there is none, make sure they know you are not being deliberately wicked.
It is important you play your role effectively in all these to help your marriage stay strong.
Be prepared that whatever you do, his family will always accuse you of one thing or the other. So learn to be prayerful. Marital challenges are best fought and won on a woman’s knees not by fighting or acting impulsively.
Always remember these people are an inevitable part of your husband as well as those of your children. There is no divorcing them from the history of your husband or your children as well. Being the first son, he cannot ignore them and from time to time he would be called upon to part with money for the upkeep of the rest.
You must understand this and appreciate that your position as his wife has made you a mother to all of them hence must be careful of the type of attitude you put up at all times.
Good luck.
I have a problem, which I want to share with you. I am a newly married lady; my husband is the first son of his family. His immediate younger brother is married with two children.
To help his brother out of the financial crisis he was experiencing, my husband gave him one of his buses to drive. My husband told him to use whatever money he made from driving the bus to fend for himself and family.
About three weeks after, he returned the bus with the excuse that he didn’t like the bus and that my husband should give him the bus he was using instead.
Thereafter, he refused to care for his wife and children prompting his wife to come to our mother-in-law to complain about his attitude. After listening to her complaints, our mother-in-law gave her some foodstuff and told her to come back.
After she left, our mother-in-law came to my husband to collect money for her own business as well as money to care for his other siblings and their families. As things stand now, my husband is solely responsible for the upkeep of the extended family including paying their rent, their children school fees, buying of clothes and all other expenses.
I am not comfortable with the way his family is treating him and how his brother has refused to do anything. More worrisome is the attitude of my mother-in-law, who sees nothing wrong in making my husband provide every kobo and thing for her and all his siblings.
I have tried to caution my husband against this attitude of his especially as we are planning our own family. I am not saying he shouldn’t help but I am of the opinion that it isn’t fair for his family members, including his brother, who is married to leave the responsibility of fending for the entire family to my husband alone.
Please advise me on what to do before I do something drastic.
Favour.
Dear Favour,
Don’t get involved if you want to enjoy the love of your husband and peace in your home. There is no way you can take on the whole family at the same time. This is because they are used to making your husband pick up their bills and since he has been doing that without complaining or thinking ahead of the consequences of putting himself all out for the comfort of his family, the family will rise in unity against you.
With a man like your man, you have to be careful because he is far too deep in his act and may not think anything of sacrificing you in the process.
The fight you are up against isn’t just a physical one, it would stretch to be a spiritual one aimed at ensuring you leave their golden pot for them particularly as his mother is in full support of the current arrangement. So, be careful what you say, how you say it as well as the attitude you put up.
Your husband has tolerated this treatment from them long before you came unto the scene so, if he is tired of it, he knows how to end it without your help or suggestions.
To ensure you and your children are not impoverished by his attitude towards his family, the best you can do is to get money from him to begin a business irrespective of whether you are working or not. This is to serve as a sort of insurance for you and the children when they start coming. Being his wife, you have the advantage of knowing when he has more than enough, when he is in the right mood, how to get him into it and how to woo him without him suspecting anything to do your bidding.
It also means that you must be careful not to have a joint account with him or any joint venture because of the way his extended family is structured. The reason for this is simple; to ensure his immediate family doesn’t suffer too much from his generous attitude to his family members as well as to reduce drastically the tension women feel when they feel their husbands are investing all the money meant for them and their children on other people.
One ace you can use to get him to go along with your plan is not to fight him over his family. It is a mistake many women make which earns them a lot of problems with their husbands who in turn become so hostile. Remember the motive is not to build a wall of Jericho between your husband and his family but to help him plan his life so he isn’t left high and dry in his old age when he can no longer run around for himself let alone for anybody. It is also to help your home remain calm and peaceful, which would never happen if you are constantly depending and expecting your husband to provide you with everything.
It is at this point you would do something drastic, unreasonable and cause a tsunami in your home. But if you begin now to prepare for it and how to avert it, you would not have to say any word against or in support of your husband’s attitude to get him thinking.
The naked truth of this whole situation is that you have to be up and about as well as invest wisely because whether you like it or not, your children will never come first in his scale of preference.
This has nothing to do with his feelings for you but the powers at play in his life. He may love you so much but given the strong hold his family has over him, it isn’t going to be an easy ride for you at all.
You have to be as wise as a serpent to survive the peculiarity of this family. Learn to be very diplomatic when the issue of his family welfare comes up. If you cannot withstand it, leave the room when they come to protect yourself from hearing whatever it is they want to discuss. Ensure you don’t antagonise him and if you must underline the danger of his undefined help, if it is telling too much on the welfare of your immediate home, point him to it without making it obvious that you are angry or upset.
A lot would depend on your level of tolerance as well as ability to control your temper. On your own, give what you can even if it is a sympathetic ear to their demands.
Be friendly, treat them well when they come on a visit, feed them if there is food at home and when there is none, make sure they know you are not being deliberately wicked.
It is important you play your role effectively in all these to help your marriage stay strong.
Be prepared that whatever you do, his family will always accuse you of one thing or the other. So learn to be prayerful. Marital challenges are best fought and won on a woman’s knees not by fighting or acting impulsively.
Always remember these people are an inevitable part of your husband as well as those of your children. There is no divorcing them from the history of your husband or your children as well. Being the first son, he cannot ignore them and from time to time he would be called upon to part with money for the upkeep of the rest.
You must understand this and appreciate that your position as his wife has made you a mother to all of them hence must be careful of the type of attitude you put up at all times.
Good luck.
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