She says her heart belongs to another man

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate your good work to humanity. May God, who knows your contributions, reward you adequately. The problem is my girlfriend; we met five years ago when I was in my first year at the university. I have since concluded my national youth service. She works as a computer operator. During all these years, I have been the one making all the calls, sending her credit as well as gifts. She has never called me with the credit I send her. Recently, I applied for a visa to travel out of the country, two days to my departure date, I invited her over to my place, we discussed, and I told her of my plans to leave very soon. I asked if she has any other man apart from me, in her life, she told me about one man she knew before she met me. According to her, he is based in Kaduna and only comes home at Christmas; I accepted her explanations because of my unconditional love for her. Unfortunately, my father died before I could travel so, decided to suspend my travel plans to bury my father One Saturday, I called her and she told me she was going to Enugu to help a friend prepare for an event; I said it was okay but I was surprised when she sent me a text message later that night, to say it was over between us. According to the message she sent, she said I have caused her so much pains and that she has been avoiding me for the four years we dated because she never loved me. She revealed that her heart belongs to her boyfriend in Kaduna. She ended her message with the appreciation for all I have done for her. I was both baffled and angry so I called her to ask how I have hurt her. You can imagine my pains when a man, the same one she said lives in Kaduna took my call. He wanted to know the nature of my relationship with her. I didn’t bother to answer him instead, I cut off the conversation. To be candid with you, I had plans to marry this girl. I love her with everything that is me and have had no interest in any other woman since meeting her. To worsen things, she failed to attend my father’s burial ceremony. Her reasons, that, I will not accept her presence at the ceremony. Agatha, you are the one who can correctly advice me. Ejike. Dear Ejike, She has made her stance clear; she has someone else in her life. There is nothing you can do but to move on with your life. It is painful, no doubt, but if you weren’t too blinded by your love for her, you should have suspected the quality of her feelings for you through her behavior. The warmth of a woman’s feelings for a man is often in the way she relates to the man. While a woman can pretend all she wants about her feelings for a particular man, a smart man can always tell from the way she responds to him; the occasional out-burst as well as irritations she cannot control when around him, the nature of her true feelings for him. In fairness to her, she left you a huge clue that should have alerted you to her feelings for you. You are the one who has been doing all the callings even when you send her credits. The fact that she hasn’t for once bothered to call you, even when you send her credit should have told you that thoughts of you were far from her mind. She didn’t pretend rather, you ignored her subtle way of communicating the true state of her feelings to you. In that sense she didn’t betray you at all. The fact that she even told you about the man in her life, the one she knew before she met you, should also have made you probe further into the nature of her feelings for you. Some situations are planned by God to protect us from ourselves. If you had left before she made up her mind to tell you the truth, what would you have done, especially if you had gone announcing to your friends about your woman back home? In a way, she is a good girl because a more cunning woman, knowing how much you love her would have continued to play you for a fool until you are abroad and able to send her the elusive dollars. That she told you the truth about her feelings for you; shows she isn’t materialist at all. For this reason, be grateful she didn’t keep you waiting for too long before opening up on her feelings. Besides, you assumed she wanted to marry her without first seeking her permission or input at all. The fact that you love her, doesn’t mean she must share your feelings, sentiments and thoughts. I am sure if you had bothered to ask her pointed questions about her feelings for you, she would have told you the truth given the way she has been treating your love. Since life itself is a mixed bag of pains, disappointments and joy, try to forget her but not the lessons you have learnt. Life is a process of learning always; this is necessary to avoid you making more mistakes with another woman. Time heals, no matter how deep the wound is. Next time, learn to discuss your plans and feelings with a woman first before making plans around her. Your assumption that she is yours must have caused her pains in her relationship with the other man. There is no way, your calls or messages would have gone unnoticed by the other man in her life who will naturally assume she is cheating on him. Because you are a presence that has refused to go, no matter how cold she treated you for five years, the other man must have quarreled with her a number of times over you. Whatever qualities that made you fall so helplessly in love with her, you can find in another woman. So, stop hurting yourself by moving on. Thankfully, you are set to travel; a change of environment works wonders for a broken heart. The trip and the attendant hassle of settling down will help you forget her. By the time you are ready to love again, ensure every mistake you made with her is corrected in your new relationship. Given what transpired between the two of you, there is no way she would have attended the burial ceremony of your father. For now, it would be best to stop calling her; if she expresses a desire to have you for a friend in her life, oblige her but, let the decision be hers to make. The fact that you both didn’t make it as lovers; doesn’t mean you both can’t still be friends. You cannot wish away five years of being friends. I am sure a lot of things will be clearer to you by the time you meet the woman God has designed for you. Good luck.

What must I do to marry?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate your way of solving humanitarian problems. I am 29 years old and single. Please Agatha, what must I do to get married? Please I need your advice. Worried Lady. Dear Worried Lady, One of the cardinal rules in life, is not to run beyond God’s plans for one’s life. At 29, you shouldn’t be too desperate as to want to do anything to get married. Life is a big field of different stages we have to go through before getting to the important one of them all. Before you begin to think of the kind of desperate thing you want to do to attract a husband, look at your past with a view of X-raying the things you might have done wrong. Our pass-card to the next level in life, is our plans for our own life. Until now, what kinds of plans have you nurtured for yourself especially the one that concerns your ideal man? What have you done with or to the men that came your way before you got to this point in your life? Did you give the any reason to want to stay? If they were to describe you, what would these men say about you? In most cases, we are our own problems through the choices we make in life. Only a visit to your past can give you the correct answer you seek in your current travails. In addition to praying for the right man, the particular one God designed for you, learn to be responsible, friendly, respectful and humble. In a man/woman relationship, patience is a virtue any day. A woman who isn’t ready to make painful sacrifices will find it difficult meeting or keeping a man in her life. Once you are clear about the kind of man who has what it takes to make you happy, get you going in life, follow up with the practical step of being friendly without appearing desperate. Dress responsible and follow your own desires, not the ones outlined by friends or family members. Once you learn to be truthful to yourself, a lot of things will be easier to accomplish. Good luck.

At 33, I don’t know my father

Dear Agatha, I am a 33-year-old lady born without the presence of a father to take good care of me. I don’t know how it all happened. I would have asked my mother what transpired between her and my father but she isn’t too disposed to answering questions about her relationship with my father. From what I gathered, she took up the responsibilities to care for me by herself. Unfortunately, she couldn’t afford to send me to school. She ignored the fact that I needed to have good education in life. Left with no choice, I had to go and stay with her sister at a tender age all because I desired to have a good education. I was brought to Lagos by this woman who cared so much for me but something happened to make her change dramatically towards me. I still don’t know what changed her to become so dramatically hostile to me. It got so bad she asked me to leave her house. Left with no choice, I went home to see my mother to demand for explanation. It was while at home she told me that someone in the church told her, a curse was placed on me. The voodoo is to make people hate me so much that I would be forced to return to the village. I was told to fast which I did. According to them, only the presence of my father can break the curse which is why I was told to fast for my mother to have a change of heart and take me to my father. To worsen matters my stepfather passed on leaving responsibilities too much for my mother to handle. Much as I would have loved to help, it is so painful that I am limited by my problems. Through self-help I sat for the General Certificate of’ Education (G.C.E) last year but my result has not been released till date. Please tell me what to do? The Bible says we should call upon God night and day for help. I know He is not in the habit of failing anyone who trusts in Him. Now there is this Indian man who wants me to come and work for him but he has placed some very difficult condition which I am uncomfortable with. He wants me to come and live with him in his house as his mistress. I don’t want to do that but I have no choice but to accept the offer. I may not have money but I don’t want to exchange my body for money because to me this is fornication? Please tell me what to do before I go into this relationship. Sincerely speaking, I am not be happy with the situation and wouldn’t want to offend God. my mother is refusing to introduce me to my father or his family. Till date, I don’t have any information concerning my father or his family; not even his name or that of his family. I have suffered so much and would not want to compromise my situation with God. I am of the belief he would make a way for me. I am so confused. Victoria. Dear Victoria, Your mother is the major architect of your problem. Why is she refusing to introduce you to your father or his family? Why is she allowing you go through this difficulty in life? Why did she stop your father from having access to you when she knows she is incapable of taking care of you or help you with information on how to better your life? What does she expect you to do in your current situation; sell your body to make ends meet? It is your right to know who your father is. At 33, you are more than old enough to be told who you father is. To continue to keep silent about his identity is to call to question her knowledge of who your father really is. This is the point you must emphasis when demanding from her to see your father. She must understand the emotional and spiritual trauma of you growing up without knowing the man whose sperm fathered you. Make her understand that whatever the issue was between them should not be allowed to mar your identity especially as you risk marrying any of your father’s relations or even your father for that matter out of ignorance. Let her also know that if she truly cares about you, she should be worried at the prophesy given in the church about the curse placed on you. If need be, go to her people or the leadership of the church to plead your case with her. She has to be made to appreciate that you are no longer a child but a full grown woman who ought to by now have settled and raising a family of her own. They should tell her there is no way you can move forward in life without her help in mending the crack she created in your foundation. Let them assure her that you won’t be offended or deny her as a mother if she tells you the truth concerning her past. Chances are, her refusal to tell you is fear of being rejected by you. Assure her that you understand that human beings are prone to mistakes, especially a young girl whose hormones are more than active or out of desperation for a better life, do certain things contrary to moral standards. Being a mother now, the fear of losing the respect you have for her by opening a chapter she considers closed for life. To get her to open up, you have to show a remarkable understanding and healthy respect for the decisions she took dating your father and for asking to keep you. To totally condemn her for would be totally wrong as you don’t have the experience of what motivated her decisions then. Besides, your condemnation may leave her a permanent prisoner of her conscience and guilt. Honestly at this stage, you won’t achieve much by fighting her. granted you have every reason to be angry, bitter but without you applying the much needed wisdom, it might be impossible for you to break her 33 year of silence. If she still refuses to tell you, there must be someone in her family who knows what happened in the past. Ask her siblings or relations. She must have someone who remembers her past, that can give you a clue into her past. The information may not be sufficient but it would be more than enough for you to go by. There is also the need for you to learn from her mistakes. Already, you are about to make the same mistake your mother made by going to live with a man whose intentions and desires for your body is obvious to you. What if he decides to force himself on you since you live all alone with him in his house? Would you blame him for doing what he has expressly told you he wanted? Do you think he would accept any responsibility for any child that comes from both of you sleeping together? To be candid with you, whether you like it or not, you are already in a relationship with him because it is only a matter of time before he gets what he wants from you as long as you live under his roof. No matter the hardship or confusion generated by your situation, accepting to live with him has compromised whatever moral standards you claim to have. In a way what you are facing should give you a little bit of understanding into the reasons for the choice your mother made back then even though it still doesn’t excuse her reasons for not telling you who your father is. Sincerely, living in your boss’ house isn’t an option at all. Instead appeal to him to help you look for a job elsewhere to take the pressure of you. Also learn to be focused and determined to succeed in life. If it would help, there are countless of women and men who have walked along this part before and are today huge success because they made the choice to rise above their situation in life. Every situation we find ourselves in life is intended to teach us how to be strong and in control of our situation. At 33, you should have overcame this situation had you been determined to. Nobody can do it for you, not even your mother. Whatever the curse maybe, it can be broken once you summon the will to help yourself. Are you saying if your mother had died before this revelation came up, you would have gone to her grave to give you the information about your father. Though it hurts not to know who you fully are, the fact remains that you have a father who is above all fathers, one who cannot change and always ready to help you anytime you ask for His assistance. Begin your journey towards self actualization by going for deliverance. Pray and ask God for direction on how to go about it. you need Him to lead you to a pastor He has equipped to deliver you. Honesty and complete trust in God are what you need to overcome your situation. As you have found out, even parents are capable of failing one so give yourself up completely to God because that is where your help comes from. Help yourself by checking on your own ways too because most times we are our very own enemies. If you haven’t done it already, don’t cheapen yourself by sleeping with this man. It isn’t worth it. Good luck.

My husband sleeps with my cousin, impregnates another woman

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am currently a very confused woman; everybody is blaming me for this problem but I am like the average woman who has a career. There is no way I can always be at home. I go out to work not because I want to but I have to, to make ends meet. Besides it would be unfair to expect me to sit at home after the resources my parents spent on sending me to school. The least my husband can do is to respect me for that and give me all the support; not to be disgraced the way he is. Recently, I came back from a six weeks course abroad to discover that my husband has been sleeping with my cousin, I brought in to help with the children and another lady who is currently pregnant for him. I discovered that my husband has been sleeping through my four year old son, who told me the night I came back if his auntie was going to sleep in my bedroom with his daddy. At first I didn’t make sense of the question until I asked him to explain. Despite attempts by my cousin to hush him up, he told me that whenever he goes to pee in the night, he always see my cousin and his daddy sleeping together on the bed. The other children confirmed the incident because at various times in the night when they needed something, they have traced my cousin to my room. I was still struggling to come to terms with this information when my husband’s phone beeped. He must have forgotten to take the phone out with him when he left with a family friend to rush his sick mother to the hospital. I honestly didn’t mean to pry but the hurt of finding out about my cousin as well as the urge to find out who the text message was from made me to open his message box. I wish I didn’t because I found out that another woman is carrying his baby. The sender of the mail was asking him for more money to shop for baby items. That night, I didn’t bother to sleep in the house with my children. I checked into an hotel not far from our home and switched off all my phones so that he couldn’t get me or the children. When he left home, I went home to pack few things for my children and I. I have since refused to talk to him or anyone else. I don’t ever want to see him, my cousin or any one in our two families. My office obliged me, with my annual leave, to rest and take care of personal things but, soon my leave will be over. I have the option of asking for a transfer to another state or leaving the country completely. I am yet to make up my mind. I don’t ever want to see him again just as I have made up my mind to end the marriage. But my eldest daughter who is just 11 wants to go with her father. She is giving so much trouble and is in touch with her father. Her siblings say their father has been to their school to see them and that she tells him everything about us. Because of her, I now stay in a nice lodge with no visible address. What do I do since I foresee problem with my eldest daughter. I also gathered that my cousin is still in the house with him. Hurting Wife. Dear Hurting Wife, Don’t behave like a foolish ostrich who hides its head in the sand while the rest of its body is in view of the pursuer. That man in question, inspite of all he has done, is your home and that house your home. You have the final decision of what goes on in that house, who stays and who leaves. Your position in that house is not in dispute. Leaving without an attempt to retrieve your home from these manipulative women in the life of your husband gives the impression that you were only waiting for an excuse to end your marriage. Sad and emotionally traumatic as the situation in your home is, don’t give up so easily. Whatever your decision is at the end of it all, ensure none of these women takes over your man. Your cousin should be thrown out while the one pregnant should not be given any chance to come in as a second wife. Let her have her baby and when the child is old enough, bring the child into the house to frustrate her attempts at using the child as a bait for your husband’s attention. Irrespective of who so ever is pregnant for him, your position as his wife and the mother of his first set of children gives you unrivaled authority to decide what you want now. You simply cannot walk away from your marriage just like that. Even if you make up your mind to leave, what about the children who cannot divorce their father as easily as you can end your relationship with your husband? There is no avoiding discussing this issue whether now or later. Your histories are interwoven into each other by the gifts of those children you both share. Your cousin has remained in that house because you are not there to show her the exit door. Since you appear to have capitulated your home so easily, she has taken over. Whatever it will cost you in pride and pains, go back to your home at least for the sake of the children. Make it your business to confront your man with what you discovered. Give him the opportunity to defend himself. It is immaterial if he is telling you the truth or not; the important thing is for you to know what your mistakes were in the marriage. While time heals the pains, the truth sets one free as well as point one at the right path. You also have to consider the feelings of your children. If your eldest daughter is asking for her father; the others will soon follow her example. They may in their own way decide to make life very unbearable for you. so it is essential that you factor their feelings and interest into your decision. It is only when you deal with all the extraneous issues that you can deal with the matter of his betrayal. He has to explain why he decided your cousin was the best woman to have a relationship with or allow another woman get as far as getting pregnant for him. However, you must also accept your mistakes. Being a career woman isn’t an excuse for any woman to neglect her home or become very careless on the care and welfare of her husband and children. Although you didn’t dwell much on the time you spend with your family, something tells me that in some important ways, you too are not without blame. Your first office and career is to your home and children. No doubt, women can multi-task, but in the matter of home management and playing detailed attention to the needs of her man, a wise woman devotes more time. Let the family wade into it for the simple reason of your cousin’s involvement in an affair with your husband. Only the might of the family can deal with such a determined young lady. Besides, the decision you are about to make now is too important to be left to chance. One day, when you are a bit older and time has mellowed your pains, you will appreciate the wisdom of sorting things out properly. God is your wisdom and strength. You need Him now more than ever before. Good luck