Before my mum bungle my dream to be a wife…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My mother is ruining my life. I am tired and deeply unhappy and falling into depression. My mother is a single parent and I’m her only child. My father died 10 years ago and his family rejected me after his demise. From her story too, she also didn’t want me but kept me when she was told she would die if she attempted to abort me. In 2008, my mother rejected the man I was dating on the ground that he once dated her friend’s daughter. Despite her objections, I continued with him because we loved each other. He was my life, my world, just as I was his. However fate intervened when my pastor friend who is like my sister cautioned me against continuing with the relationship. According to the vision she saw concerning my boyfriend, he has a very short lifespan. For this reason she said, I should terminate the relationship. We were too deeply in love that we ended up sleeping with each other. However, 10 months into our relationship, his sister and mother said they didn’t like me even though his mum has never met me. We had no choice at that point but to end the relationship. Also, at about that time, I dreamt of him dying. But before I took the decision to leave him, I asked him if he knew about his short lifespan, he said he has been told. That was the point I decided it was time I left him. Therefore, I decided to date another man but I still couldn’t stop thinking about my former boyfriend. On about three occasions, I secretly met with him, but we didn’t go beyond kissing. After the third time, I decided to stop seeing him despite my feelings for him. Just as I was settling into my second relationship, I suffered a disappointment. He went back on his promise to marry me. At that point, I resumed having sex with my ex boyfriend even though he made it clear he wasn’t going into a full-scale relationship with me again. According to him, he needed time to think. After a while, I couldn’t wait because I felt he was just using me for sex. I left town for my master’s programme. At that point I decided to remain single. My mother keeps trying to get me back with my ex-boyfriend, who disappointed me unfortunately; I am not interested. She has done so many spiritual things; even got him to be calling me but I changed my number. My pastor warned against going home as my family was planning a wedding for me. According to her it would be my doom. Three months into my programme, another man proposed; actually on my birthday. I agreed because I felt I was over my first boyfriend. I introduced him to my mother’s sisters. They all accepted him, but my mother insisted she was going to pray about it. She came back to say it was my ex I should marry and not the man I want to marry. According to her, my ex is actually my husband. To my surprise, my aunties who were all in support of my choice also changed; at that point, I knew it was planned work. So I recorded all their conversation and played it to my fiancé. We had everything planned. His family was going to pay for everything and had even paid for the wedding dress as well as the wedding rings. He too abruptly ended the relationship. I therefore found myself thinking more about my first boyfriend whom I loved so much. Strangely, I wasn’t upset about my fiancé leaving; instead I was thinking more about my first boyfriend. But my mother insists I marry my second boyfriend and that I may never marry since he is the one ordained by God for me as my husband. The painful thing is that my mother has refused to listen to anything I say. She went to the extent of giving an ultimatum to call him. I am very angry with her because she won’t listen to me. Out of confusion, I called my first boyfriend only for him to inform me that he has another woman in his life. I was very hurt by statement and confession of being in love with his current woman. Although I still love him, I have accepted my fate. He however promised to come back to me if things don’t work out between him and this new woman in his life. My concern has to do with my mother’s attitude towards me. She is ruining my life and I really plan to stop seeing her for the sake of peace. She only listens to her sisters who are witches and out to destroy my life. They don’t want me to do well they want their children to do better than me. My mother has even joined her sisters because I saw her initiation in my dreams. Her sisters have tried to kill me severally in my dream, but God is always protecting me. My pastor who is like my sister prays a lot for me and supports and fights my battles, but it is starting to affect me psychologically. I am beginning to become very unhappy. Because I live alone, I am always very lonely and I am beginning to feel deeply unhappy. I love my ex but he is now in love with someone else. I am finding it hard to get over him. Please, how can I get over him and avoid doing what my mother wants? What should I do about my situation? Hurt Girl. Dear Hurt Girl, Go and discuss with your mother. She holds the key to your happiness. Although persistent prayers will free you from this problem but there is the need for you to call your mother to a private conference. From your account, it will be almost impossible for any man to stay with you if your mother maintains her stance. For reasons best known to her, she will continue to counter any decision you made. The men will continue to jilt you at vital points in your life. Fighting your mother or branding her names won’t work. That dream came about because God wanted you to be aware of the forces behind your problems. What you need now is wisdom to tackle that which God has shown you. It would be foolishness on your part to go about branding her a witch. You will only be complicating your situation. Don’t forget you were never wanted by her. She only kept you when she was told she would die if she attempted to abort you. Therefore, the battle you are fighting didn’t start today. It started the moment your father denied you and made you her sole responsibility. In a way she feels you owe her your life because she sacrificed her freedom and happiness for you. She secretly blames you for the pains of bringing up a child on her own as well as her inability to marry. Granted, she is your mother, but in her twisted view, she blames your presence in her life for all the problems in her own. She might have made up her mind to frustrate you the same way your father did to her. The human mind is deep and very incomprehensible. You are her child no doubt but you are also the daughter of the man who hurt her, the deepest in her life. Since your father is out of her reach, you are the next person she can hurt. This is why you must first understand the premise of her attitude towards you. In asking for a meeting with her, go on your knees and really beg her for forgiveness. Remind her that she is all you have; that you want to make her very proud and happy for the decision she took to look after and love you. Appreciate her for the sleepless nights, sacrifices she has been making as a mother. Let her know you owe her everything you are today. Thereafter, ask her why she thinks her choice is better than yours. Since you brought the man to her and not the other way round; give her the considerations that she might have observed one or two things you didn’t notice in this man. The man might have hurt you in the past but it won’t take anything out of you to listen to what your mother has to say. Promise her to consider her choice because obedience to one’s parents is an order from God. Then go back to God for help and assistance. Since He has established a means of communication with you, plead with Him to guide you. Also ask your pastor friend to stand in gap for you while you also pray and fast on your own. The spirit of God being universal, your dreams and prompting will be the same. It takes absolute wisdom to climb a slippery hill, no matter how deeply etched the footsteps are. The bond between mother and child is too strong and powerful. The mystery of the womb is so deep that mothers can invoke it whenever it pleases them. It is a spiritual thing, hence the need for you to be very careful and wise in dealing with your mother and her sisters. If your mother withdraws her support, her sisters will not be able to get you. They appear to be succeeding because they have the support of your mother. She is the one who has given them the spiritual authority to exercise over your affairs. Besides you have to act fast before it is too late. Don’t forget a woman’s lifespan is limited compared to that of the man. Even if you avoid her without begging her, you will never be free. If she refuses to let you be at the end of the day; hand her over to God who has all the power to redeem you. As for your ex, let go of him. He has his life to live; you had your time to mind too. Since you left him on account of him having a very short lifespan, why are you still holding on to the memories of him? For now, concentrate on empowering yourself spiritually. At the end of the day, whatever haze remains will be cleared by God Himself. At God’s right time you will get married. But whatever happens, always show respect for her person and position in your life. Good luck.

Won’t circumcision deny me good sex?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a lady of 23 years. I recently found out that I was circumcised as a baby. I have been wondering if I can enjoy sex naturally. Worried Lady. Dear Worried Lady, There is no reason you shouldn’t enjoy sex like most circumcised women. There is nothing you can do about a situation that you have no control over. Granted, women who are not circumcised do enjoy sex better, but there is no peak a circumcised woman can’t get to if she knows her onion. Circumcision should not be an excuse for a woman not to enjoy sex. This is because sex is both a process and an attitude. A lot depends on the kind of attitude you have towards sex. Most of the time, problems come when we adopt the wrong attitude to sex. You get to an age when sex becomes a tool of pleasure, communication, consolidation and a way of life, when it ceases to be wrong or forbidden. When that time comes, it becomes so right, expansive and pleasurable. Honestly the mystery and pleasure of sex belong to those who are broad-minded. It also depends on the attitude of one’s partner. Fortunately, the woman is blessed with the depth and wisdom to draw any man out of his shell. To enjoy quality time with your husband, develop a very deep sense of adventure. You can achieve this by the different kinds of position you adopt. Some positions give the woman more pleasure than others. Even if you have been circumcised, your erotic points remain intact. All you have to do is to discover where those spots are. Once you find them out, encourage your man to concentrate on those zones, to give you ultimate pleasure at the point you need it the most. The use of fingertips and tongue can achieve magical results when applied at the right time and place. The pleasure of sex isn’t in the act alone, but in all the processes that go with it. Therefore, read up books, discuss on the subject and when the time comes, don’t be limited by your fears. Be proud to be a woman for your husband, the joy of it all to know how to hold on to him and bring him back with your body, soul and mind when he strays. Even if you are not circumcised, but lack the right kind of attitude towards sex, you still will not be able to enjoy sex fully. As a woman, you have it in you to enjoy sex any day and time, but wait until you are married. Marriage is the platform a woman needs to be fully happy. Just make up your mind to enjoy sex when you marry because it is a special gift from God. Good luck.

He opted out without explanation…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a boyfriend, who is good and I care so much for him. I love him more than I do my parents. I recently fell ill, contrary to what I expected, he didn’t even bother about me. I really didn’t mind this, irrespective of how I felt about his attitude. My love for him didn’t diminish in anyway. However, he recently called me to announce his lack of interest in me any longer. He didn’t even bother to give me any explanations. What can I do? Please help me, because I still love him. Dammy. Dear Dammy, You are in that phase of life when hearts are broken and mended. When good dreams almost become a kind of nightmare; when love like a beautiful flower loses its firmness and fragrance overnight. You cannot do anything about his decision. Even if you think there is something you can do, for your own sake, don’t. Allow him be. He obviously isn’t into you, as you are with him, for reasons best known to him. Besides, the kind of love you described you have for him is akin to acute case of obsession – the kind that pockets reason. It can be very frightening for someone who has never experienced that kind of expression before. He is keeping away because you appear to be garroting him with what you feel for him. At the point he is now, the strong scent of your feelings for him is making him blind to your person, so much so he appears to have lost the real you in the shadow of your love. If you don’t grant him the freedom to get some sniff of fresh air, he could end up hating you at the end of the day. The danger of holding on too tightly to him now is that of losing him finally. Chances are after a while he may want to reconsider you, but first you have to let go of him for him to meet the person behind the feelings. Besides, it takes a special man, one with so much wisdom and understanding to appreciate your kind of woman who is so obvious with her feelings. More often than not, most men either think the woman is desperate or use her open mindedness to maltreat her. In addition, your feelings haven’t really given him a chance to meet the real you, this is important for the growth of any relationship. Give him the chance to meet all the sides there are to see in you. Granted you may love him more than you do your parents, but you may not in his opinion be good enough for him. There may be other aspects of you he isn’t comfortable with. Give him time to munch on what he likes the most about you. Besides, you will also need the time to scrutinise him beyond what you feel for him. For you as the woman, a relationship should be beyond what you feel to what works. You may love a man, but you have to be convinced by his character and attitude towards you that your feelings for him aren’t wasted. What if he at the end of the day says you should come back and begins to treat you as his doormat? As a woman, you must from this early begin to place some values on yourself. There is no harm in loving a man, but there is so much emotional damage in the long run by ignoring impending signs of danger. Being in love doesn’t mean you should ignore the fundamental fact of his indifference to you. If at this early stage in your relationship, he ignores you when ill, what do you think would happen when the relationship is older? This is the stage he should be at your beck and call, be attentive to your needs. This action is worth looking at and taking note of. Such seemingly unimportant points, at the end of the day, make the scale when considering the significant issue of marriage. No matter how much you care for a man, don’t ever allow him to get away with maltreating you, no matter how slight or insignificant. Once you allow him get away with it, it becomes a routine and pattern in the relationship. Every relationship must be balanced and well spelt out, each segment given its attention for the growth of the relationship. Right now, both of you need the time out to properly evaluate your feelings for each other. Don’t worry if you are both meant to be things will sure work out. Good luck.