Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Age, his ex-wife, two boys threaten my marriage to him

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I would be getting married very soon to a man who already has two children from a previous marriage. He is twice my age, and more experienced and rich.

I met him when my boss sent me on an errand. It was raining and he offered to give me a ride to where I was going.

He is well cultured and highly respectful. Although he is almost my mother’s age, yet he is very respectful of my family and very caring.

Since coming into my life, a lot of things have changed for me as well as my family. He not only got my mother some contracts, he also bought a land for my family, which he is also helping to develop.

He equally got me a car and a driver attached.

I admit my family didn’t and still doesn’t like the fact that he is a lot older than I am, at least their attitude towards him is better than it was.

But his children and the other members of his family think I am after his wealth. They think I am a gold digger that has come to reap where I have not sowed.

His two children, all boys are spoilt and very rude. The eldest of the two is like his mother who has repeatedly come to warn me against marrying her husband. She says she didn’t leave her home of her own accord that he drove her away and that she would not allow another woman to enjoy the fruits of her labour.

All attempts to get my husband to explain what went wrong between him and his ex-wife have always met with concrete wall. The last time I tried, he told me never to involve myself in things that don’t concern me that whatever happened between him and his ex-wife is his business and not mine.

For the first time, I experienced his temper and to be truthful, I didn’t like it at all.

I also noticed when he comes to his children; he is always blind to their faults. Nothing I say makes sense to him where his children are concerned.

Agatha, I don’t know what to do about all these.

For instance, he didn’t invite many of his family members to our wedding. He says he can do without them. Only few of his friends know about it. His children say they won’t attend.

Although he is very respectful of my family, he insists the wedding ceremonies would take place in his house.

My challenge now is how do I cope with his children, his ex-wife who still visits the house as well as his attitude?

I love him for the comfort he has brought into my family. What more, he is caring and respectful. Agatha, aren’t these enough reasons for marriage? Must all marriages involve love?

He only allowed me to invite two of my friends. Do you think beneath all these niceties, he has the ability to change? Most of my friends think I am making a huge mistake going into this marriage but coming from a very poor background makes this marriage inevitable for me.

Please teach me what to do. I am already expecting his child.

Timi.


Dear Timi,

With a child on the way and your mind made up that you want to be his wife, there is little anybody or persons can say to stop you getting married to him on the agreed date.

It is a choice you made willingly despite all the warning signs all around you as well as knowing about his not too tidy marital status. At this stage, it is no longer a case of you making a mistake but that of having the strength to stand by your decisions, no matter how ominous the clouds get.

No matter the reasons we go into marriage, what usually makes the difference is our acceptance of the fate that awaits us in the institution.

What you need in this type of marriage is courage. You must have plenty of it to be blind to all his efforts, endure the attitude of his children and ex-wife, to ignore his arrogance and to give him support as his wife.

You may not love him but since you are marrying him for comfort, you must kill your desires for love to any other man. If you don’t, you risk destroying your marriage and making nonsense of the reasons you are marrying him now.

The price that comes with this type of comfort is forfeiture of your happiness the way you know it. From now on your happiness is tied to his apron string. You have to completely learn from the kindergarten stage what happiness means to him with a view of keying into it. Frankly, it is the only way you can enjoy this type of marriage. Playing up what makes him happy and letting go completely of your own personality.

This is particularly necessary at this early stage to give your marriage and you time to fuse. One thing is to be in a marriage another thing is to feel married.

Many people are married without having the feel of it. What makes the difference in a marriage is usually not the reason it was conceived but how it is executed.

If respect, care, and comfort make him your number one choice, you must never expect anything more. Don’t after marriage begin to expect something different from him. To demand for his love midway into the journey is to cause problems for yourself and bring about a crack in the world you have created for yourself.

To make it work, ensure you stay within the context of your agreements.

A lot of problems arise when couples try to change their marriage contents forcefully. If you must change the contents, it is through wisdom and care.

There is no way you can get him to listen to you if you continue to be confrontational where his children are concerned. Don’t forget this salient fact, you may be his wife but those children are his heritage, his reason for being a man and the results of his pride as a man. To fight them is to fight him; to criticise them is to condemn his involvement in their lives.

Besides, these children have a history that predates yours with him, so also is his first wife. When their history is written you will be a stranger to the point you entered his life.

The sacrifice that comes with marrying a previously married man or one with children is to by all means learn to give unconditionally to the children. While it won’t be possible to get the children to love you as a mother, you can achieve friendship and trust if you know how.

It is obvious that nobody, not even the man you are getting married to, trust your motive for marrying him. At any rate, you also know money is a huge reason you are marrying a man twice your age. You must therefore not hold anything they say to you to heart if you plan this marriage to be everlasting.

The tactic is often to make a second wife uncomfortable. The children have their loyalty to their mother who is obviously still bitter and angry over the way things turnout out between her and her man.

Whether justified or not, these two once had a dream, one that produced two children as well as material wealth which you are also benefiting from today. At one time or the other, this pair was happy, drawing support from each other. Don’t make whatever went wrong your business like the man advised. Be neutral because it could also happen to you.

Don’t entertain stories about his ex or your husband. Ignore the past and allow yourself to focus on the present and future.

When next his ex-wife comes to insult you, politely tell her, you are not her problem and leave it at that. When the children calls you name, firmly but courteously remind them, they owe you a certain degree of respect by virtue of being their father’s wife. Explain to them that insulting you is akin to insulting their father because of the relationship that exists between the two of you.

You may not achieve much at the beginning but if you remain calm, supportive and friendly, overtime, they would drop their reservations against you. You have to strive to give them a different picture from what they have in mind.

In their world, stepmothers are monsters, out to poison their father against them. They need a different perspective to change their long held opinion.

As for his ex-wife, unless he has the will to stop her you must learn to cope with the situation.

Irrespective of whatever reasons you have for going into this marriage, you need the grace and presence of God to make it succeed. So always pray.

Good luck