She declines to embrace serious date…

Dear Agatha, 

First I want to thank you for doing this selfless work and may God reward you abundantly. 

My girlfriend and I have known each other for almost two years. I like her so much. As a matter of fact, I am always happy having her in my life. Unfortunately, she doesn’t want us to take the relationship to another level.  Consequently, I told her to stop calling me but to my surprise, she wasn’t happy at my decision. 

There was a day I went to her place to give her younger sister a cell-phone I promised buying for her. I met my girlfriend, who bluntly refused to say hello to me but later apologised for her behaviour.  Now, my girlfriend’s mother is not happy with me because I bought her daughter a cell phone. Please help me. Where have I gone wrong?  

Lamborghini.

Dear Lamborghini, 

On the surface, you appear not to have done anything wrong, but if you care to anaylise it more critically, you have done something fundamentally wrong. Why would you buy the sister a cell-phone, go to the house to present her with it when you still have outstanding issue with the one you are dating? Why did you have to give the sister the phone yourself without passing through your girlfriend? That singular act did send out the wrong signal to your girlfriend who refused to greet you and her mother who is wondering what your motive is. Having known you with one daughter, she can’t understand why you are giving another one a present when it appears there is a crack between you and the one she knows you with.

She is clearly not comfortable with the gift and action. It is not the gift that is the problem, but your real motive as well as the implication on her attempt to bring up her daughter in the right way. Despite the depreciation of moral values in the society, there are still some mothers who are very strict and firm on how they want their children, especially their daughters brought up. Again, she may not want her daughter to get into the habit of asking men for gifts. And seeing you give her the phone without her permission is enough to get a mother who is concerned about real values to be angry. Had you passed the gift to her, the decision to give it to her daughter would have been hers to make and not yours. She is concerned that her daughter may use the excuse of this gift to bring things home under the pretence you gave them to her. 

Since you and your girlfriend have settled your differences, get her to help you explain to her mother why you bought the sister the gift. If you have the courage, it would be best if you accompany your girlfriend so that you can explain why you gave the other daughter a gift of a phone as well as the challenges you are facing with the one you are interested in. 

Once you do that, she will understand you better and where you are coming from. 

Good luck.

Men’s superiority, a myth

Dear Readers, 

I decided to publish this piece sent in by one of my female readers who think my responses to certain issues on this page don’t do justice to the rights of women. Even though I have tried to explain to a lot of them that when it comes to relationships, facts are premium to be than the gender of the person, many of them still think I should be fairer to women than men. 

To underscore my impartiality, I am giving this category of women a chance to be heard through this piece sent in by Letitia Akinyemi. The aim is for us to learn from each other with the hope that it would affect our relationships positively. 

Agatha.

 Dear Agatha,

 Many people have this impression that we live in a man’s world, but I think differently not because I am a lady but because I know differently. Men have used this incorrect theory to exploit the women folk. Generations have also come to terms with this theory. I will start my point from the very beginning, but just before I start I have this very simple question to ask which is: why do the men keep arguing and debating they own the world? Have you ever heard women arguing who goes to the labour room? 

In the beginning when God created man, He saw that man will be lonely all by himself, so He created the woman. Note that she wasn’t formed from the man’s foot bone or from his head, but from his rib (his side) to be his equal not superior or inferior to him. Do you believe that men actually see this as an opportunity to abuse women? If only they knew that animals were created before them.

Another important topic is that of procreation. I do think men are to be treated as small-gods, because God who is the ultimate creator and who knows best didn’t give this important role to the men instead, He gave this role to the women. He chose not to keep creating humans instead made the woman to take care of that, as a matter of fact, God did not rest until He created the woman. What else do they need? 

Oh please spare me the apple gist. The truth is that while Adam was busy sleeping, Eve got deceived by the serpent. Since men are so wise, why did Adam collect the apple from Eve? In the first place he was the one that God told about the consequences of eating from that tree of life. That is to tell you that anyone can be deceived. After eating the apple and probably enjoying it, he tried to put the blame on the woman when asked by God. As a man, he should have taken responsibility for the action. I hear men saying these days if they were the one, they wouldn’t have fallen for that. Let’s face it there are still Eves in our society today handing out apples, how many of them are able to resist? How many of them are able to resist blaming other people for their wrongs? 

Men in leadership positions are all expected to marry before they can be taken seriously. At the end of the day they get back to their wives to seek opinions and I mean the real men. Because they know that they can only get the real and undiluted advice from their wives and not from people who are only looking for favours. Whenever there is a problem at home, especially with the wife, the man becomes disoriented wherever he is and also the woman too, meaning they owe each other the duty to be together. Show me a good- looking man and I will show you a good mother or wife. 

WEEK: Women’s Education Ends in the Kitchen. That is the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard. Which woman needs to go to school to learn how to cook or wash dishes or even give birth? Go to schools, and you will find that women are at the top of the class when it comes to education, while men are busy being men on the field i.e. they are always top when it comes to sports. Surprisingly, some women let this ridiculous theory get to them, they actually let their education end in the kitchen. Such women deserve life imprisonment, since they do not like their lives or don’t have a purpose for living. 

In most marriages, women are actually treated as slaves or better still exploited. You see a woman who takes care of six children all alone, if in the rural areas, she will go to the farm, get back,  take care of the children and her home, make food for her husband who is off to God knows where. Yet he comes back to complain about something the woman couldn’t do or didn’t do right. It is so unfair. While men of the urban areas probably go off to work, you see busy moms here and there working hard to help her home. At evening when every one is meant to be home and making each other happy, the men prefer to spend such time with their girlfriends or in a beer parlour. This applies to both rural and urban men. These types of men deserve serious beating. 

The issue of getting babies or not getting babies is a thing that applies to both the man and the woman. Some women are actually beaten, disgraced or sent out because they have not given birth to babies. Too many children, no male child or no female child whereas, a man can go as far as marrying three to four wives under the pretext of looking for a male child who would inherit him. 

Conclusion: I am not trying to say that the woman is all perfect, but that they should be treated equally as men, not used as tools, but as opportunities to be handled with respect and love.

I’m Scared Of A Broken Home

Dear Agatha,

I have learnt so much from you. God has indeed blessed you with a rare kind of wisdom. My prayers are for you to immortalise your work by coming out with a book. I came for the programme organised by the Women Intercessors at Ogba and your talk brought tears to my eyes. You were, as usual, brutally frank, honest and brave sharing your own experiences with total strangers. 

Informed from your own story, I have decided to write to you to ask for help in managing my own home. I don’t want a broken home. I am actually scared of it. My mother is like most mothers. She is only concerned with my ability to cook and keep the house. I want to learn from you on how to be more than a wife to being a woman. I want you to help prepare me for the task ahead. My wedding comes up in the first week of August.

What are the things I should avoid in my marriage? On that day you underscored patience, friendship and tolerance. What are the places of these qualities in a marriage?

Please help me understand the task ahead of me and how to manage my home without problems. My fear is that my husband-to-be is a very stubborn person and I am short-fussed too. I don’t have a clue as to how to manage him or blend my personality with his. 

Listening to you on that day made me realise that I have a very long way to go. Please loan me the benefit of your experience to make my marriage work as well as how to re-educate myself on how to deal with his stubborn nature.

Susan.

Dear Susan, 

Marriage is a journey of tumbles, upsets, endurance, pains, disappointments, considerations, compromises, as well as victories. To survive, a couple must first and foremost be friends because it is the only way they can manage the challenges of two strangers coming together to make a home. 

As a woman, you have to be determined to ensure he is happy with the choice he has made. One thing you must never do is listen to what others think of your efforts to turn your home into a haven for your husband and children. Be rest assured that there is nothing feminism in marriage. To try to equate yourself with your husband, question his authority, dishonour his decision, and disrespect him is to court trouble in your home. 

Whether you like it or not, your role as the woman is to offer him protection through prayers. You were created to support him in life and once you are very clear about this, no matter how stubborn he gets, managing him won’t be a problem. Even though he is the head of the home, your role in his life is to show him the way by your own examples. Men generally are like babies who respond with care, friendship and trust to the one who cares for them the most. As his wife, you have to be the woman in his life, as well as his mother. As his wife, you have to attend to his home, his emotional needs while as the woman you have to learn to respect him. God, in making the woman, created her to support the man, stand by his side, use her seemingly fragility to get things done for him. Position yourself in his life as his strength, ego and pride, friend, support base and his think tank. Make sure he does nothing without discussing it with you by always being there for him. As a woman the secret of your strength is your fragility, as well as your emotions. When he becomes unbearably stubborn: use the fragile part of you to get him to listen to the voice of wisdom by going on your knees to beg him. No matter how educated you are or well paid, the fact remains he is your crown and only a stupid woman rubbishes the crown that makes her shine.

However, for this to work, you must have imbibed from the beginning how to respect him. You cannot rubbish him in front of people and expect him to honour whatever overtures you make at home. Respect begets respect. He must have evidence of your willingness to follow his leadership before he can listen to what you have to say. 

Granted, this adjustment doesn’t come easy but there is nothing in life that comes without plenty of sacrifices, especially the good ones. Something has to give for that thing you want the most to come to reality. This is your role as the woman in his life.

As his mother, you are to pamper him as you would your own child. This includes indulging his excesses and reprimanding him with love. Mothers don’t nag their children, so be careful you don’t nag him into running into the arms of another woman. No matter how imperfect a child is, the mother’s love is always there, unconditional for the child to come back to. A mother, even when everyone brands her child as bad, sees hope at the end of the tunnel. You must therefore be prepared, be patient enough to outshine his deficiencies as a human being, especially if you also keep it in the front burner that you are equally imperfect. 

No sacrifice is always too much for a mother to make for her child. Your marriage is your womb, your husband the child. Unlike the conventional way of conception, this one took place in your heart; the heart is the life wire of the body. While the womb holds the mystery of life, the heart holds its glow. There is no way you can divorce the existence of the womb from the heart whereas the heart can survive without the womb. Therefore if you keep your marriage in your heart as true mothers do, no matter the disappointment, aches and betrayals you suffer in your marriage, you will never be discouraged to fight on. 

As for his stubbornness, it can be managed with the right temperament. Once he gets obstinate, quietly withdraw and allow him have his way on anything he wants done his way. For the sake of peace, give in to him at the point he wants anything done his way. Naturally, this requires utmost patience, as well as tolerance but you have to grow a thick skin to deal with it. This is due to the fact that two captains cannot live in a boat. There are always other ways to get him to listen to you. When his mood is right, you can then go to him quietly to lay your complains and by then the cloud of trouble would have passed away. 

To achieve a happy home, you cannot afford to be stubborn physically. Rather, deploy the stubbornness to your spiritual life. You can always pray away from his life those aspects of him you don’t like without fighting him or nagging. 

Marital battles are best fought on the knees rather than with blows. Taking your marital problems to God everyday is the key to your happiness because God is fair and impartial. If you listen to Him, you will never go wrong and would help you achieve effortlessly His desires for you and your home. 

Complete trust in God, as well as a humble spirit are just the things you need to help grow your home into complete peace and happiness.

Good luck.