Pressures From My Guardians Scare Me…

Dear Agatha,

First I want to thank you for the wonderful things you do for people through your columns.

My problem has to do with the pressures I am being subjected to by my guardians. My mother died when I was an infant and my father lost his job. I have older stepbrothers and sisters; my mother was the second wife.

Unfortunately there is nothing much to write home about my siblings. The boys are all like my father, jobless and of no good while the only girl is morally bankrupt.

My guardians are expecting so much from me, a situation that is making me very scared of the future. I don’t want to end up like my father or brothers.

Please how do I avoid being like other members of my family?

Troubled Boy.

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Dear Troubled Boy,

First by having a clear vision of what you want in life. For instance, where would you want to be in the next couple of years? You must have a development schedule to enable you plan your life.

It doesn’t matter if you are unable to meet the schedule you have set for yourself or not, what matters is that you have set in motion the wheel of your self-actualisation as a man.

To help you succeed and avoid the mistakes of your father and brothers, be close to God and have the enabling faith in Him, the kind that has the potency of changing things to favour you where others failed.

This kind of faith doesn’t happen without you first knowing the kind of God you serve. You must know the awesomeness of your God to appreciate the kind of things He can achieve in your life.

From this early, learn how to surrender to Him in all things because that is the only way you can achieve the impossible and stand tall where those before you have failed in the family.

As for your guardians, while you must never do anything to make them regret taking you in, make them aware that you are not in the position to meet all their expectations. Given the fact that they brought you up, they should exercise confidence in their training, they must believe in those qualities they planted in you to succeed in life.

Whatever happens refused to be pushed into a situation you don’t want, and always put God first in whatever you do, because it is the only way you can succeed.

Good luck.

Can I Legally Claim Her Child Before Marriage?

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the tonic you gave to people the world over. I am 38 years of age. The problem at hand is trying to send me to psychiatric home if not properly handled.

I met this lady in 2006 at a supermarket. One thing led to another, I offered her real hand of friendship and we became very close. During my relationship with her, I discovered her caring heart as well as compassion for humanity.

Two weeks into our relationship, she decided to share her past and mistakes with me. But I declined to share mine with her or the fact that I am financially comfortable.

In one of my visits to her, I even asked her to loan me some money to transport myself back home. I presented myself to her as a very poor man. I lied about being a Television and Radio repairer even though I own many businesses at Alaba International and Aspanda Markets.

Through out the period of our courtship, she didn’t have any idea of who I was until few weeks to our wedding. During our courtship, whenever I have to make oversea trips, I always tell her that I am travelling to the village to see my parents and that in my village none of the phone networks works. When she was eager to visit me at home, I took her to my friend’s one-room residence in Ajegunle.

Having satisfied myself that she was the right one for me and since we were on the verge of getting married, I decided to take her to my home at Victoria Garden City (VGC). On getting to the house, she was surprised to see her photographs everywhere as well as the fact that I actually stay in such a place.

It was at that point she also opened up to me about the child she had at 17, who was 13 years of age at the time we met in 2006.

She told me how everybody in the family abandoned her to her fate except her parents who are very poor. She managed to finish her secondary school. She later came to Lagos after the delivery of the baby to stay with her elder brother and to find something to do to help herself and child.

I told her that I love her and would still marry her. To my surprise, the man who impregnated her resurfaced to claim the child, but her family opposed on the grounds that he never paid any bride price on her.

My wife told me later that the man came because he got information that someone is seeking her hand in marriage besides the fact that four years after marriage, he and his wife are yet to be blessed with a child.

Agatha, can you kindly tell me what to do to make the child legally mine? Already, the child bears my name. I know bearing my name is not enough or the fact that my wife has warned him never to come near her or the child again. After our wedding ceremony, I voluntary gave N150,000 to my in-laws for the stress in taking care of the little child for the period of 13 years.

I will be a sad man for the rest of my life if I lose the child to this man. Before our marriage, I told my wife that I want the child to join us in Lagos, she obliged. I have enrolled her in the best private secondary school in Victoria Island.

How can someone who never bothered about the welfare of a child suddenly make a u-turn and demand for the child?

She is currently 16 years of age and will write her SS3 exams next year.

I have given her and the mother love, care and comfort. In fact, the child acknowledges me as her father.

To be sincere to myself, I have a fulfilling marriage. I have peace, love, trust, and just name it in my marriage. I really enjoy the goodies that come with marriage. My wife is everything to me from the first day I met her till date. We are happy together.

I want you and other right thinking Nigerians who have had similar experiences to advice me through this e-mail address terryteddy35@yahoo.com

Teddy.

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Dear Teddy,

Since you have a very good relationship with the child who from all indications has given you her trust and love, you will not have any problem keeping her as your child.

But there is the need for you to legally adopt the child. Get your lawyer to do the paper work. At 16, she isn’t exactly a child not to know what she wants. So, I don’t foresee any legal tangle coming from your desire to constitutionally have her as your child.

However, I want you to be certain that you are doing all these not for selfish reason, to punish a recalcitrant father, who until circumstances called for it, refused to have anything to do with his daughter.

When it comes to adoption, especially of a child who is already aware of his or circumstances, it is always advisable to put the feelings of the child into consideration. Yes, you are the only father she knows, giving her the chances as well as opportunity to reach the heights of her dreams, but it is also essential you and your wife put into view her emotional development as an individual. Like every child, a time would come in her life when she would demand for answers to issues happening around her. These questions would not be asked because she is unappreciative of you or doesn’t love you, but as a result of the natural curiosity of the young, and as time goes on from the reactions of your extended family, especially those who will never accept her full integration into the family.

Therefore, before you do the adoption thing fully, ask for her views on what she wants as well as what she thinks of her biological father. This is because the heart of the child always thirsts for the unfamiliar thing or absent parent. For the sake of posterity, give her the choice to decide on what she wants, whether she wants to go with you permanently or have the choice of going to the father when she likes.

This is because there is no denying the rights of her father in all these. Irrespective of whatever he has done in the past, he still remains her biological father, something no court can fail to acknowledge on the ground of it being an indisputable fact. What you are fighting for is what is best for the child and not a denial of the biology of the child. Don’t forget, he is coming back because he feels he has a need of his daughter in his life, especially as he doesn’t have any other child. So the bid could be made difficult if he is as determined as you for the child.

To make the bid for the child absolutely easy for you, always be one step ahead by first talking to the child and getting her consent for whatever plans you want to embark on concerning her life.

Whatever happens, the best legacy you can give this child as a father is to give her love unconditionally, never recount whatever it is you are doing f or her.

Good luck.