Who do I settle for among these two women?

Dear Agatha, I am 30 years old and in a relationship with two ladies. I started with the first lady when she came to stay with her aunty in Abuja. At no time did I discuss marriage with her. Trouble started for her when she got another job and refused to give her aunty and husband money as she was doing before. She was eventually told to leave their house so, I offered to accommodate her until she got her own apartment. While she was with me, we lived together in harmony. Whenever any man approached her, she would give the man my number. My only problem with her is her lack of education. She can speak the English language but cannot write it, not even a word of it. After a year plus, I found the second girl who is not just from my village but lives in the street as my family. We also attended the same polytechnic even though as at the time I met her, she had only a National Diploma. When we met, she was teaching in one of the private schools in Gwagwalada, Abuja while, I was staying in Nyanya. She had to relocate to Karu to stay with her elder brother as a result of our relationship. Fortunately, she got another job at Wuse, but left it after awhile. Before she left the job, I opened an account for her, ensured she saved up to N200,000.00. I called my friend to assist in her quest for admission to go back for her Higher National Diploma (HND). When she initially got to school, she would tell me the number of men chasing after her. It got to a point, I told her to get herself an engagement ring to keep the men at bay. In addition, I was also sending her money every two weeks to distract her from temptation of dating other men. Some of her roommates were jealous of our relationship. But she changed dramatically when she entered her second semester, in her HND 2. Without any reason, she started talking to me rudely, something she never did before. She would insult me on the phone as she liked. But I didn’t care. One weekend, I decided to attend a wedding near her school and to surprise her. I picked her from school to my friend’s house where we stayed overnight. Before we left, I seized her phone but give it to her when calls came in. However, I noticed a particular caller she saved as Monday. I noticed she was unwilling to answer that call, kept rejecting it whenever I passed the phone to her. At about 10.p.m. when we were about to sleep, he called again. I asked her to answer the call and put it on speaker. He started explaining why he didn’t come down for the weekend as well as how he enjoyed their time together the last time they were together. At that point she disconnected the line but I flashed him and he called back immediately. This time, I answered the phone by introducing myself as her cousin. I thanked him for looking after my sister, including the money he has been sending her. I also asked what his plans were for my sister; whether he has plans to marry her or not. He told me that they were both planning towards marriage if it conforms to the plans of God for them. When I asked my fiancée about the nature of their relationship, she denied anything of such; said he was one of those asking her out. She didn’t respond to the allegations of him sending her money or coming all the way from Lagos to spend the weekend with her in Kogi State. We didn’t sleep all through that night as she was crying and begging for forgiveness. I forgave her and left the following morning for Abuja. Two weeks after, I called her to inform her that I went somewhere to investigate her spiritually and was told three men had already slept with her and that if she denies it, I should bring her along with me. It took her the whole night before eventually confessing in the wee hours of the morning, to sleeping with two other men. She later came to Abuja to see me. Naturally, I didn’t welcome her the way I used to. She was not comfortable and begged me for three days, crying all through and making promises never to do it again. Although I told her I have forgiven her but, whenever I recall the things she had done, I develop a deep hatred for her. Things are not just the way they were before. She also made me promise never to tell anybody, I did but since that time, I feel happier when with the first lady who gives me joy all the time. The second lady has forced me to meet with her mother to inform her about our relationship. Now I am confused. I want to choose one out of the two girls. The problem of the first girl are, she is from a polygamy family and has little or no education. After the incidents I witnessed with the second girl, I don’t know if I can trust her again. I need your advice urgently before I go for my introduction by Easter period. Sunny P. Dear Sunny P, I honestly don’t know why you are confused over this matter because it is a straight forward case. If you are happier with one of the girls than the other, it follows you should settle down with the one that gives you the most joy. Yes, she may not be educated, comes from a polygamous home but, marriage isn’t mathematics. It is a journey of loyalty, patience, understanding, endurance, tolerance and trust. A woman or man may have the most impressive certificates from the best schools in the world but, if lacking in the things that transform a house to home, those certificates become useless in his or her quest for happiness. The problem isn’t with the limitations of the first girl at all but, in your values. In the first place, you haven’t been faithful yourself to the first girl. Life has a way of dishing us what we invest in the lives of those we cherish. This is a lady you have been dating for sometime. Not once did you even tell her about your worries concerning her limited education or discuss ways you can help brush her up. Rather than face this challenge, your solution was to look for another lady to date concurrently with her. If this lady didn’t betray you, chances are you would have left the first girl high and dry after years of building her hope around you. Your defense of not promising her marriage is not tenable. There is something called assumption; from the content of your letter, you both must have been dating over three years. Why keep and waste her time for all these years if you have no plans for her? Why enjoy all she has been offering you if you have issues with her lack of education and family background are sources of concern to you? Whatever excuse you are secretly brewing to exonerate yourself of blame if you eventually decide on the second lady is null and void. There is no way people haven’t come to the conclusion about you two being a pair after all these years. Besides, she must have in several ways communicated her thoughts on the future of the relationship to you. Your silence means you are in agreement with her. So you see whether you voiced it out or not, a silent agreement exists between the two of you on the future of your relationship together. it is called agreement of assumption. Before you make the most regrettable decision of your life, do sit back to ask yourself these questions; if education were the benchmark for a successful marriage, would the marriages of educated people be falling like packs of cards everyday? The fact that the marriages of the educated mass, are failing, reveals the misleading perception that education is a must to successful marriage. Far from it! The dynamism and mechanism of a good marriage draw strength from the amount of sacrifices the couple is ready to make for each other and for the relationship. One of such sacrifices is absolute loyalty; in both good and bad times. The woman especially must not be driven by whatever reasons to find solace in the arms of another man, no matter the situation at home or between her and her husband. When a woman begins to manifest disrespect and contempt for her man, it concludes the relationship as meaningless. You are the epitome of the relationship and as such must all at times command the respect of your woman. This is because the vow to love, obey and cherish begins before the marriage ceremony proper. What is inherent in one cannot be changed over night. It is one thing for a woman to be temperamental but another thing altogether to be rude and unfaithful. Can you cope with her default programming? Deep in your heart, can you ever trust a woman like your second woman? Learn to be honest at this crucial time in your life to avoid a mistake you will never recover completely from. It is easier to end a relationship than to end a marriage. The issues you have with the first one are ones you can easily address. No woman wants polygamy: it is the game men play. As for her lack of education, there is nothing stopping her from enrolling in an adult literacy class. It is never too late to go back to school. Your choice must be premised on your willingness to make the right kinds of sacrifices. Pray sincerely to be led by God.

Do I stand by my daughter or husband?

Dear Agatha, This is a very delicate issue for me to handle on my own because of its future implication. My step -daughter and I are very close. I married her father about seven years ago. Her mother died three years earlier. Right from the first day I met her, we have been close. A lot of people think I am her mother and she actually addresses me as such. Through me, she has a brother and sister. She very much plays the big sister role when she comes back home on holiday and is forever on the phone discussing with them like her mates. I love her as my own. There is nothing I don’t know about her. She tells me everything about her life. She isn’t as close to the father as she is to me because he is this strict kind; even though she is in her 400 level in the university, he still treats her like a child. She also happens to be one of the most disciplined young ladies I know. Recently, she came home to confide in me about her pregnancy. Her boyfriend, who graduated three years before her is employed. He was lucky to have beeen retained by the engineering company he served. His is a young man I happen to know very well because on the occassions my husband is out of town, I always allow him to come and visit my daughter at home. My husband is one of the most difficult men I know. Once or twice, he has accused me of deliberately over indulging my stepdaughter so as to make her life worthless. He would end it by saying if she were my real daughter; I wouldn’t be so encouraging of her ways. This is the root of my problem. I love and respect my husband too much to be affected by what he says. When he is angry, he is capable of saying anything but once the storm is over; he is one of the most loving husbands I know. But, how do I tell him about her pregnancy without him throwing both of us out of the house? There is no way I would ever support a child of mine to go through an abortion but I am fearful of what would become of me and her if the father ever finds out that she is pregnant and that I am in the know of who is responsible. Three days ago, I tried to sound him about by asking him what he would do if his daughter comes home pregnant. Without waiting for me to finish asking him the question, he declared that he would not only ensure she removes the pregnany but throw both of us out of his house. How do I handle this? The poor girl, who is preparing for her final examinations, is fearful of the reaction of her father. I don’t want her failing her examinations on account of the stubborn attitude of the father. How do I handle this situation? This is the time I wish I were her real mother because nobody would accuse me of supporting her to destroy her life. It is unfortunate she got pregnant but I know deep inside of me that she will be happy with her man. Already the young man and his family have indicated interest in coming to discuss marriage with us. I have pleaded for time, about a month to enable me sort things out with the father. Please help me make the right decision concerning this issue urgently. Celine. Dear Celine, She has already placed you in the position of her mother hence her confidence to come to you with the stories of everything happening in her life. You may not be her biological mother, but in the heart of this young woman, you are her mother. As long as you know you are acting in the best interest of this young lady, refuse to be discouraged by the remarks or attitude of your husband who in this matter is entitled to his opinion. The best way to get out of this is for you to stand your grounds by reminding him that as long as you are his wife, you are the mother of his daughter and that if he continues to ignore your role in the young lady’s life, he should not blame you if anything goes wrong. The fact that you have refused to react to his comments concerning your role in this young girl’s life is the reason you are at this crossroad. He has to know that she has turned out to be a young responsible woman because you also took her as your daughter. Honestly, the issue here isn’t so much of the pregnancy of the young lady, but that of you and your husband finding your equilibrium in your relationship. The absence of trust in your lives is what is on the top table and not the girl who is about to leave your nest to begin a life of her own. It is either your husband learns to trust your judgment concerning his daughter or you act as the true mother the girl has positioned you to be. There are no two ways about it. If she were your biological child, what would you do? Would you just watch her struggle with a situation most girls her age would have long found a solution to? Would you encourage her to abort the child to please the father or give her all the support she needs to write her final examination in peace while she plans for her wedding? This is the time she needs you the most, for you to play your role as only a true mother does. The man in question is your husband. Don’t be afraid to approach him. Even if he threatens to throw you out, ask him what is most important to him; his daughter or his principle? You are a woman, his wife for that matter. You must know the key to making him submit to your wishes. Every woman who knows her onion has the master key to her husband’s heart; it is a matter of good timing as well as going the extra mile to make him understand the issues you want him to consider. To help your daughter, it is important you find out why your husband is so difficult when it comes to issues affecting her. If you have never bothered to find out, this is the time to ask questions. No matter what his reasons are, let him understand that she is no longer a child. At 23, she has gone past the age of consent; moreso, she is in her final year and, about to finish her university education so what is the real issue? If she has avoided getting pregnant until now, there must be a reason for it now. Let him understand that apart from the child being his first grandchild, the young lady risks losing her life in the process as well. The thought of him losing her may make him change his mind. What more, the man responsible for the pregnancy is determined to marry her so what is the problem? It would have been a different thing and understandable of your fears if the man is denying paternity of the child or she is unable to point at any particular man. It is also important he hears it from you before he notices the condition of his daughter or someone else tells him. Encourage her to stay back in school until the issue is resolved by you. It would be so sad if you disappoint her by your fear of your husband. If at the end of the day, if he insists, report him to his family members or a very close friend Do anything to make him help his daughter achieve happiness in life. Whatever happens, stand by your daughter. There is no way your husband would drive both of you away from his house. Besides, there is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her daughter. Share your problem with Auntie Agatha. Email: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626