Wednesday, December 16
My Stepmother Divides Our Family
Dear Agatha,
We lost our mother sometime in March 1975 and our father remarried in 1979. We had what a child will call a difficult childhood without a mother. My father’s wife never for one day treated us as her children. We were, to her, another wives to my father.
However, when we became of age I told my siblings never to repay evil for evil, and that whatever happened be regarded as part of our destiny. To an extent, they all agreed with me. Her three children had free access to our homes, finances. Anyone who didn’t know would think we are all from the same mother. God used us to sponsor them through universities, a fact our father knows and says.
Despite this, she still refused to give us our due respect or treat us as her own. Being Christians, we ignore her especially as we all live far from home. While we do not lay claim to being saints, we believe there are no grievances that cannot be resolved.
Going by her children’s attitude these days, it is becoming apparent they too want separation from us. To be honest, it isn’t as if I am afraid of trouble, but not one within the family set-up.
Agatha, how do we handle this situation so that we can all come together as a family? What role must each of us play and what do we tell our father. He is aged and sad about this development.
Kindly advise me.
Anthony.
Dear Anthony,
The major problem came from your father. Had he from the beginning curbed the excesses of his wife, insisted on all his children functioning as an entity from the same source, the situation wouldn’t have endured to this level.
There is no way you can get someone who doesn’t want to be part of a team to play your game. The wise thing to do is to allow them be. Until they desire it, you will only be wasting your time trying to make them dance to your rhythm. There has to be a corresponding desire from their end for any effort you and your mother’s children make to be fruitful.
Frankly, the only person who can do anything about it is your father. He must be concerned about what happens to his family at his death. If his family were divided when he is still alive, what would happen when he dies?
As the next head of the family, there is the need for you to go to him to impress it on him to call a family meeting of his wife and all the children. At the meeting he should give everybody the chance to speak out his or her fears and grievances. His wife should speak first. This is to ensure she sits through the meeting and stop her from accusing you and your father of setting up the meeting to humiliate her.
As the woman of the house, let her tell all of you what her fears are. Thereafter, starting from you, each child should be given the chance to talk.
During the meeting, the issue of inheritance should be discussed. While your stepmother may shy away from telling the meeting her real reason for maltreating your mother’s children, you shouldn’t. If God is blessing you and your siblings so much so you were all able to pay the school fees of her children, you and your siblings should meet to discuss what you all intend to do with your father’s property if there is anything.
But good wisdom demands that if the need be, allow her and the children have their fill, taking into account that life isn’t about the property we live behind, but the peace of mind we were able to enjoy. If her intentions have always been to corner the property for her children, nothing you do for her and her children would ever be enough or thaw her attitude towards you and your siblings.
It is the truth, one you cannot run away from no matter how religious you have become. So, in the interest of the unity of the family, you must be ready for some form of sacrifices, because with this type of person, only one way is good enough, her own way.
There is no pleasing this type of person, and if her children are anything like her, be ready for acrimony.
Family issues are the most difficult to resolve without the fear and wisdom of God. The issues go beyond your siblings and her. You would be surprised at the many unseen hands behind the issue you are now trying to resolve. A lot of your extended family members for personal reasons are waiting in the wings to help all of you remain divided because it is only in a crisis that they can benefit. For this reason, you must learn to let go of so many things, including what those who are not close to God term important things. If you are all true Christians and have the confidence in the God you serve to do all things, concede to her and her children whatever they want. It will never stop you from reaching where God has ordained. It would instead stop them from executing their evil plans against you and your siblings. Immediate victories are usually not the enduring ones rather those won after a long period of sacrifices are usually the lasting ones. Give her and her children their victory today and allow God give you the everlasting kind, the type that would see them coming back to you in later years to ask for forgiveness.
That should be your attitude at the meeting with your father and his household. God will give you the wisdom to do what is right.
Good luck.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Tuesday, December 15
After He Duped Me, Bid Bye On Frown Face
Dear Agatha,
God bless you for your wonderful advice and may God continue to bless and increase you in all your doings.
I am the same person that wrote about his refusal to come to the house.
I met this guy who is 32 years of age six months ago and fell in love with him. Before we started dating he was the one making all the calls as well as sending all text messages. Suddenly, he changed. He stopped calling me as frequent as before. He started complaining about lack of money to load his phone on account of him not working. Because I love him so much, I didn’t complain too much.
There is this particular business he indicated interest in, but couldn’t venture into due to lack of funds. One day while at work he called to know if I could help him secure a loan from a bank. He suggested I use my salary account as security to get the loan.
The money he mentioned was much. After he dropped the phone, I sat back to think and came to the conclusion that it was too risky a thing for me to do. Even if I have such an opportunity, I would rather use the money to further my studies or invest for my mother.
However, I decided to give him N40, 000 out of my monthly contribution in the office as demonstration of my loyalty to him.
Before the sallah break, we didn’t agree on whether we would see or not. A day before sallah, I called him to ask if he wanted us to see. He said there was no problem and that he was at home.
That Friday night I tried to call him, but his phone was switched off, I tried his line throughout the night, but wasn’t available. He, however, picked it in the morning only for him to ask if I have anything to give him. He however told me to come over to his house. When I was almost at his house, I called to inform him that I was almost at his place. To my surprise, he told me I should have told him before leaving my house because he wasn’t at home.
I still decided to proceed to his house, that notwithstanding.
When I got there, I got the biggest shock of my life as I met him with another girl watching a movie while the floor was littered with used condoms.
He greeted me as if I meant nothing to him and made the introductions.
Agatha, I can’t believe the humiliation as well as the disappointment. He didn’t even bother to come after me as I left his house. When he later called, it was not even to apologise but to query me on the rights I have to be monitoring him.
I felt both pity and shame for myself. It all snowballed into anger forcing me to send him a text message to refund my money. He replied that he didn’t have the money to pay. At the church, he said the same thing when I went to demand for my money. He didn’t stop at that, he called me a mad girl. And asked why should he be sorry for what he did, that if I wanted him to go on his knees to beg me?
It is so painful that after all the sacrifices, energy I put into building the relationship, this is what I get from a man I gave so much? He actually sent me a text never to ask for the money again and to let him be. It is particularly hurtful because we worship in the same church.
Agatha, will I be able to forgive him? Even if I do forgive him will I be able forget it?
Disappointed Lady.
Dear Disappointed Lady,
At one time or the other in the course of having relationships with members of the opposite sex, we have all had our fingers burnt. All you did for him, you did out of love so don’t hurt yourself any more than you already are by dwelling on the disappointment this relationship turned out to be.
The best thing to do now is to take stock of your own mistakes in all these. The exercise is intended to help you recognise the obvious signs of deception you ignored in this relationship.
The truth is, he never pretended to love or cherish you. You did all the loving and sacrifices. Perhaps you presented yourself too desperate to marry him, and he took advantage of you. It is the mistake many women make. Not every relationship is meant to end in marriage. Hence a relationship must be allowed to grow healthily before plans are made.
When a man senses a woman is too much in a hurry to end up as his wife, chances are he begins to misbehave and take advantage of her feelings. There is no contesting the fact that this man took advantage of your feelings, knew you wanted him and were willing to do anything to keep him.
When he started to complain about lack of money to call you, you should have known that something wasn’t too right especially as he had money to call and send numerous text messages to you while he was still asking you out.
The natural question should have been where did the money come from to make all those calls? The second sign came when he tried persuading you to use your salary account to get a loan for him without discussing it first with you or the mode of payment.
A man who has the interest of his woman at heart would have first broached the matter with her, discussed the business with her, listened to her inputs, jointly considered the viability, the gestation period as well as the projected time for profit. That he didn’t do any of these before asking you to take a loan for him ought to have raised alarm bells in your head?
If it is any consolation, in some ways, in the process of falling in love we have all, at one time or the other, being taking advantage of. You made a genuine mistake, one that a more reasonable and honest man would have appreciated. Don’t ask him for the money again. It makes you a much better and successful person that he is. Any man who does what he did to you isn’t worth crying over. Instead, you should count yourself very lucky that the loss isn’t much. What would you have done if you had gone ahead to help him secure the loan?
What do you think would happen if in the process of your being together, you got pregnant, do you think him responsible enough to take charge of the situation? Sometimes when God does things in our favour we, in our foolishness, think He is against us. That you discovered him and his ways early should make you extremely happy because if you hadn’t, chances are that you would still have continued to invest monetarily in him. How would you have felt if you didn’t discover him early enough and had continued to hope and put in all your resources in this relationship?
You must forgive if you want God to continue to have mercy on you. Despicable as his actions are, you need to allow memories of the pains he inflicted on you go, because to continue to hold on to them is telling God that you want to fight the battle by yourself. Like the money, forgive him. It remains the best way to be happy and victorious in life. The truth is that both of you weren’t intended to be an item. Refusing to forgive him is like telling God He made a mistake in His choice of a partner for you. Without him leaving your life, the right person won’t have the opportunity to come into your life. What you should do now is to pray that God sends the right man to you as soon as possible, someone who would care and appreciate the uniqueness that is you, not a man who would not think twice before humiliating you in the presence of his numerous girlfriends.
No man who has the fear of God in His heart would do that to the woman in his life. Even if he plays around he would go the extra mile to ensure his main woman never gets a hint of his foul play. For him to have humiliated you in such a way is enough prove that you and this man were never meant to be.
Good luck.
Is Henry Attanashious Reading This?
Dear Agatha,
I have a friend whose name is Henry Attanashious. He hails from Adamawa State, a Bassama tribe.
I lost contact with him since 1995, and have since been trying to get him, but to no avail. I would be grateful if anyone who knows him contacts me through this number,
08035939303.
Peter Olorunmaye.
After He Duped Me, Bid Bye On Frown Face
Dear Agatha,
God bless you for your wonderful advice and may God continue to bless and increase you in all your doings.
I am the same person that wrote about his refusal to come to the house.
I met this guy who is 32 years of age six months ago and fell in love with him. Before we started dating he was the one making all the calls as well as sending all text messages. Suddenly, he changed. He stopped calling me as frequent as before. He started complaining about lack of money to load his phone on account of him not working. Because I love him so much, I didn’t complain too much.
There is this particular business he indicated interest in, but couldn’t venture into due to lack of funds. One day while at work he called to know if I could help him secure a loan from a bank. He suggested I use my salary account as security to get the loan.
The money he mentioned was much. After he dropped the phone, I sat back to think and came to the conclusion that it was too risky a thing for me to do. Even if I have such an opportunity, I would rather use the money to further my studies or invest for my mother.
However, I decided to give him N40, 000 out of my monthly contribution in the office as demonstration of my loyalty to him.
Before the sallah break, we didn’t agree on whether we would see or not. A day before sallah, I called him to ask if he wanted us to see. He said there was no problem and that he was at home.
That Friday night I tried to call him, but his phone was switched off, I tried his line throughout the night, but wasn’t available. He, however, picked it in the morning only for him to ask if I have anything to give him. He however told me to come over to his house. When I was almost at his house, I called to inform him that I was almost at his place. To my surprise, he told me I should have told him before leaving my house because he wasn’t at home.
I still decided to proceed to his house, that notwithstanding.
When I got there, I got the biggest shock of my life as I met him with another girl watching a movie while the floor was littered with used condoms.
He greeted me as if I meant nothing to him and made the introductions.
Agatha, I can’t believe the humiliation as well as the disappointment. He didn’t even bother to come after me as I left his house. When he later called, it was not even to apologise but to query me on the rights I have to be monitoring him.
I felt both pity and shame for myself. It all snowballed into anger forcing me to send him a text message to refund my money. He replied that he didn’t have the money to pay. At the church, he said the same thing when I went to demand for my money. He didn’t stop at that, he called me a mad girl. And asked why should he be sorry for what he did, that if I wanted him to go on his knees to beg me?
It is so painful that after all the sacrifices, energy I put into building the relationship, this is what I get from a man I gave so much? He actually sent me a text never to ask for the money again and to let him be. It is particularly hurtful because we worship in the same church.
Agatha, will I be able to forgive him? Even if I do forgive him will I be able forget it?
Disappointed Lady.
Dear Disappointed Lady,
At one time or the other in the course of having relationships with members of the opposite sex, we have all had our fingers burnt. All you did for him, you did out of love so don’t hurt yourself any more than you already are by dwelling on the disappointment this relationship turned out to be.
The best thing to do now is to take stock of your own mistakes in all these. The exercise is intended to help you recognise the obvious signs of deception you ignored in this relationship.
The truth is, he never pretended to love or cherish you. You did all the loving and sacrifices. Perhaps you presented yourself too desperate to marry him, and he took advantage of you. It is the mistake many women make. Not every relationship is meant to end in marriage. Hence a relationship must be allowed to grow healthily before plans are made.
When a man senses a woman is too much in a hurry to end up as his wife, chances are he begins to misbehave and take advantage of her feelings. There is no contesting the fact that this man took advantage of your feelings, knew you wanted him and were willing to do anything to keep him.
When he started to complain about lack of money to call you, you should have known that something wasn’t too right especially as he had money to call and send numerous text messages to you while he was still asking you out.
The natural question should have been where did the money come from to make all those calls? The second sign came when he tried persuading you to use your salary account to get a loan for him without discussing it first with you or the mode of payment.
A man who has the interest of his woman at heart would have first broached the matter with her, discussed the business with her, listened to her inputs, jointly considered the viability, the gestation period as well as the projected time for profit. That he didn’t do any of these before asking you to take a loan for him ought to have raised alarm bells in your head?
If it is any consolation, in some ways, in the process of falling in love we have all, at one time or the other, being taking advantage of. You made a genuine mistake, one that a more reasonable and honest man would have appreciated. Don’t ask him for the money again. It makes you a much better and successful person that he is. Any man who does what he did to you isn’t worth crying over. Instead, you should count yourself very lucky that the loss isn’t much. What would you have done if you had gone ahead to help him secure the loan?
What do you think would happen if in the process of your being together, you got pregnant, do you think him responsible enough to take charge of the situation? Sometimes when God does things in our favour we, in our foolishness, think He is against us. That you discovered him and his ways early should make you extremely happy because if you hadn’t, chances are that you would still have continued to invest monetarily in him. How would you have felt if you didn’t discover him early enough and had continued to hope and put in all your resources in this relationship?
You must forgive if you want God to continue to have mercy on you. Despicable as his actions are, you need to allow memories of the pains he inflicted on you go, because to continue to hold on to them is telling God that you want to fight the battle by yourself. Like the money, forgive him. It remains the best way to be happy and victorious in life. The truth is that both of you weren’t intended to be an item. Refusing to forgive him is like telling God He made a mistake in His choice of a partner for you. Without him leaving your life, the right person won’t have the opportunity to come into your life. What you should do now is to pray that God sends the right man to you as soon as possible, someone who would care and appreciate the uniqueness that is you, not a man who would not think twice before humiliating you in the presence of his numerous girlfriends.
No man who has the fear of God in His heart would do that to the woman in his life. Even if he plays around he would go the extra mile to ensure his main woman never gets a hint of his foul play. For him to have humiliated you in such a way is enough prove that you and this man were never meant to be.
Good luck.
Is Henry Attanashious Reading This?
Dear Agatha,
I have a friend whose name is Henry Attanashious. He hails from Adamawa State, a Bassama tribe.
I lost contact with him since 1995, and have since been trying to get him, but to no avail. I would be grateful if anyone who knows him contacts me through this number,
08035939303.
Peter Olorunmaye.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
