Before I Go Deep With My Landlord's Daughter…

Dear Agatha, 

I must extend my commendations to you for the good work. Keep it up and may the good God grant you more wisdom.

I got a job some couples of months ago away from home in one of the biggest firms in Nigeria. I rented an apartment in an estate and my landlord lives in the same compound with me. He has a beautiful unmarried daughter. I must confess I admire her a lot. She has this homely nature and behaves like a mother. 

I didn’t plan to have any relationship with her at the outset due to the fact that I am a tenant in her father’s house. She observed that I had no girlfriend, because she sees me doing the cooking, laundry and dish washing all alone. And on several occasions she volunteered to assist me with these things but I objected. I travelled out of town for an official assignment last month; she called to say she was missing me. I also told her I was missing her.

When I came back, from the look on her face, I sensed she has fallen in love with me. Therefore I wasn’t surprised when she told me she was in love with me. She professed her love for me and we started dating. Two weeks ago we had our first kiss, so intimate that I had to warn her of the implications if we fail to control ourselves especially as close neighbours.  

We kiss almost every day and caressing is becoming so intense that most times I lost control only to have her break the mood. Something keeps telling me that if we continue this way, there is trouble knocking at the door.

Please, I need your advice. Should I quit this relationship? What if the parents perceive we are dating, what happens afterward?  I’m in my mid 20s and need to settle down probably next year. I don’t want to experience heartbreak or even hurt someone. 

Gold.

Dear Gold, 

There is nothing wrong in dating this girl provided your intentions towards her are honourable. Problem would only come if all your interest were to sleep with her and leave. 

Like every parents interested in the welfare of their daughter, her parents will definitely want to know what your plans for her are. Until they know what your plans are, they may not give their support to the relationship and could lead to you leaving the house to protect the dignity of their daughter as well as protect their own image. 

Because of the delicate nature of your situation, you must be very clear on what you want from this girl. Are you into this relationship with her because you really want to or for the simple reason she declared her true feelings for you? Are you certain you aren’t capitalising on her declaration to have this affair with her? Would you have on your own considered dating her without this prompting from her?

Deep down do you think she has those extra special qualities you need in a woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with? Can you say with categorical confidence that she fits in more than one ways into the image of your ideal woman? Does she give you the kind of happiness and peace you have never experienced? Can she make you laugh even when all you feel like is to remain angry? Do you think she can give the right kind of support to succeed? Importantly, how much respect and trust do you have for her?

Honest answers to these questions would not only reveal your true feelings for her, but also help prepare you on how to handle her parents when they find out. If your feelings for her are deep enough, there is no reason you should be afraid of her parents knowing especially as you are contemplating settling down next year. 

The major issue here is for you to be sure of what you want, that thing you desire most in a woman. Once you are sure she has it, are confident that whatever life throws at both of you, you will always be able to overcome, and then there is really nothing to stop you from having a personal discussion with her before agreeing on when to see her parents officially.  

It is important you make haste in whatever decision you want to take on this matter to avoid the attendant scandal likely to follow should her parents find out first. If your decision is not to take the relationship further, be honest with her and let her know you aren’t ready yet, so that both of you can end the relationship before it becomes a major emotional disaster. 

Whatever happens, be prepared to relocate from the house to earn your freedom from her parents as well as to be in charge of your own life. There is no way you can stay there and be in charge of your life whether or not you and the lady agree to marry or end the relationship, because she remains your landlord’s daughter.

Good luck.

Unemployment Stands Between Marriage And Me

Dear Agatha, 

I am a full-grown man desirous of getting married but the global meltdown has been hampering me.

I had a relationship when I was in the university, but unfortunately we broke up and parted ways after we had a misunderstanding.

As far as I know, she is a very nice girl. My mind still desires her now for marriage. We talk on phone and even see once in a while.

Last week, I made my decision clear to her for marriage after she told me she desired to be married since she isn’t getting any younger.

Though, I made my heart-felt and sincere proposal to her, but owing to unemployment, I can’t make it as quickly as she may need it.

Please, tell me what to do so that I will not miss her in marriage.

Abdulaziz.

Dear Abdulaziz, 

Trust and sincerity are the two things you both need here. She has to trust you won’t disappoint her and you have to be sincere with her at all times. 

When a woman gets to a certain age and is unmarried, even if she doesn’t want to admit it openly, she begins to nurse this involuntary fear about her life; about her viability as a woman as well as the essence of her time. With each day that passes, her anxieties are heightened because time waits for no one; especially a woman whose biological clock ages every second. The fear that her time keeps depreciating at the end of every of her monthly cycle makes her desperate to settle down and deaf to the reasons of her heart.

Time isn’t the only conspiracy; her family, friends, peers and society are all part of this finely woven web of conspiracy that leaves her drained and unable to listen to the rhythm of her heart. It is usually tougher on the woman because she is the one Mother Nature has put limitations on; whose reproductive organ expires after a certain age. 

Given this scenario, she may not be willing to listen to whatever reasons you have against marrying her now; especially as there are numerous examples of men who jilted the women in their lives after making them wait endlessly for them to be ready. 

You may lose this woman to her own entrenched fears of the uncertainty of tomorrow unless of course you both sit down to discuss the essentials of your situations. 

This is what marriage is made up of, being able to find workable ways around a particularly knotty issue. 

It is not just enough to blame your inability to marry on the economic situation because if the truth be told; there are no signs that it would abate anytime too soon. It is only someone who isn’t serious that would put everything on hold until the economic situation improves. Major decisions still have to be taken. People are still getting married and new babies are daily being born to even very indigent families. There is no way everything can be in place before you marry especially if you are not born with a sliver spoon or come from the new league of millionaires. 

The reality of the situation is for both of you to look at what you both can pull together; that is if you are really sure you want this lady sufficiently in your life. This would determine the amount of dedication, drive you put into the whole process of making her choice. To be frank, if you don’t make the efforts, you may end up losing her to any man who comes her way now; it may not be as a result of love but to appease the fears which are daily growing inside of her. This is where sincerity comes into play especially on your part. What kind of business or employment are you currently engaged in?

This is a fact you must present to her; to convince her that you are not hiding anything from her and that you are sincere with her. Give her the chance of contributing to it, hear the options as well as ideas she has. By the time you discuss options available to both of you, you will have a decision that will please both of you and which ultimately would give her the assurances she needs and also instigate commitment from her whether the marriage takes place now or later.

Involving her is a way of preventing her from disclaiming you or your reasons. Once she is part of the entire process, knows and understands all the issues involved in your decision, having the confidence and trust to help push you closer to a near perfect situation won’t be so difficult for her.

In addition, your talks would resolve the riddle of ‘when’. The way you have presented the issue, the ‘when’ is abstract; it has no definite date of expiration. Your discussions will at least give her a clearer picture of how long she has to wait for you to be ready to walk her down the aisle. She isn’t comfortable with your decisions now because you have left it open-ended and for a woman who is desirous of marriage, it is as good as not having commitment from her man. It is one thing to be interested in marrying a woman; it is another thing to want to marry her but your discussion with her will tell her if you indeed want to.

Good luck. 

She Dates My Boss, Eyeing My Brother For Altar…

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me resolve this rather difficult situation I have found myself. It concerns my brother and the woman he intends to marry. 

Around April last year, I met this lady through my boss who happens to be her boyfriend. Being the secretary, there is seldom anything happening in his life that I am not aware of. He is one of those bosses that are honest, responsible, respectful and very opened. Like every man, he has a weakness for the wild ladies, and do from time to time indulge in wild romances even in the office.

He tells me almost everything happening in his life. I know for sure from what he tells me about this lady that he has no intention of marrying her kind; that he only intends her to warm up his bed whenever he wants the service.

I have severally caught them in very intimate positions in my boss’ office and one of his very regulars. I didn’t consider her my business until she showed up as my brother’s much talked about fiancée.

My elder brother, five years older, is one of the nicest persons I know. His girlfriend of eight years about two years ago walked out on him to marry his best friend. It was a very devastating experience for him. At first, he vowed never to remarry, but with the support of our parents and his other friends overcame the disappointment. 

You can therefore imagine the joy of the family when he announced to everyone this fantastic lady he met and with whom he intends settling down. He didn’t get to bring the lady to the house until three weeks ago when I discovered to my dismay that she was the same lady whom the day before spent the night at my boss’ house. I am aware of this because he begged me to bring some letters he forgot to sign to his house. Because I had to go for my personal errands, see my own boyfriend coupled with the fact that the letters weren’t something that I had to dispatch that day, so I got to his house at about 6p.m. I met her in my boss’ T-shirt, suggesting she was there to stay. 

My boss insisted my boyfriend and I spent time with him. We left at about 9p.m. as a result of the league match both of them were very passionate about. 

Seeing her as the woman my brother intends spending the rest of his life with almost gave me a cardiac arrest. My brother and parents must have noticed my disposition because they kept asking me if everything was okay with me. I have to invent a headache I didn’t have to escape into my room. My boyfriend who came in later also didn’t know what to make of the whole development. 

What really worries me is her attitude. She not only pretended seeing me for the first time, but also stayed cool all through. It wasn’t until the following day in the office she came to plead with me to let her be. That she was with my boss for the fun, but want my brother for a husband. She promised to be of good behaviour once she marries my brother. 

Since then I haven’t seen her in the office, but when I asked my boss about her, he told me she said she didn’t want to come to the office anymore; that she now preferred seeing him at home.

Agatha, I haven’t told either my parents or brother yet. He is my only brother and sibling, which make us very close. Our parents married very late. I don’t know how he would react given the kind of disappointment he suffered two years ago. 

My boyfriend insists I say something before my brother makes the mistake of marrying this girl. Last week I told my best friend who is also of the opinion I tell my brother. 

My fear is not telling him, but his reactions to the news. I can’t withstand seeing him in the condition I saw him the last time his girlfriend walked away from him. 

What should I do? I feel so helpless. Do I challenge the lady or go straight to my brother? My friend says I should also tell my boss about her. Do I?

Ibidun.

Dear Ibidun, 

Which would be tolerable for him; to know now that the woman he plans to marry isn’t who she claims to be or to find out after marriage that he has married the wrong woman? 

Chances are he would never forgive you for knowing the kind of person she is and not saying anything about it. Sincerely you would have achieved nothing at the end of the day because he would eventually find out about her. 

What you are doing now is simply to postpone your brother’s doomsday to a time it would not be easy for him to quit without complications. 

He may not receive the news well now, but would at the end of the day come to appreciate your interventions. As his sister, it is your responsibility to watch out for his interest, provided your intentions are not malicious, intended to secure his happiness in life, don’t feel guilty at being the harbinger of this piece of news. You need to protect him from himself before it is too late.

You can only feel guilty if you are lying about what you know. As long as you are sure of your facts, don’t be afraid to tell your brother about her. 

Who your boss is dating isn’t any business of yours, but whomever your brother involves with and marries is your business. If you don’t know how to tell your brother, tell your parents first. Your father being a man and one that has seen it all would know how to tell his son about the nature of women. He too must have had one or two experiences to share with him; encounters that will help your brother come to the realisation that whatever challenges he is going through in the hands of the women in his life are meant to prepare him for the right kind of woman. 

He is most likely to listen more to your father than your mother whom he would see at this painful time in his life as a woman. But coming from your father, a man like him, one understands how it feels to be rejected, betrayed and made a fool by a woman, he would eventually get over it and bounce back to listen to well meaningful advice from you and your mother. 

It is also essential you encourage your boyfriend to be closer to him; keep him company to ensure he doesn’t capitulate to temptations that follow this kind of disappointments. 

Like you fear, this incident will certainly dig up the ghost of his first disappointment, but having the right kind of support will help him overcome. 

As his only sister, your job doesn’t stop at just telling him about this girl, it goes beyond that. Why do you think your brother is falling into the hands of the wrong kinds of women? Do you detect a similarity in all the women he has dated so far? If yes, what are these similarities? Use this information to help point him at the recurring mistakes he has been making with women generally. If all the women have the same outwards qualities, perhaps he should look at the one different from all other women he has dated. 

Chances are that he dates this lady because she may look like his former girlfriend physically or has same characteristics with his ex. Having dated his ex-girl for eight years, he could have unconsciously searched for a woman with her kind of personality to replace her. Deep down, he wants a woman like his ex in his life. 

To help your brother overcome this, encourage him to begin his relationships from pure friendship. This would afford him the opportunity of getting to know the woman for who she is and not for want he wants her to be. Chances are he didn’t bother to look deeply before bringing this one home. He wanted to see his ex in her and unwittingly fixed her into the image of his ex without making efforts to know whom she is. 

Always stand in gap for him by praying for his success. He really needs all the help he can get to ward off disappointments in his life. Sometimes things we take for granted may be warning signs from God that we need to draw closer to Him in prayers. If you are wise, begin now to secure your own marriage in prayers to prevent you too from late marriage and several disappointments. 

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha, 

I am a regular reader of your column. Thanks for the life changing advice you have been giving to people. Truly, you are God sent. I am a girl of 21years, an undergraduate, dark in complexion, tall and easy going, need a responsible man for a serious relationship. An interested man can contact me through this number, 07039888697. e-mail Ngbaby4zubby@yahoo.com