He is still unsure of what he wants after 12 years

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I’m a lady of 28 years of age. My fiancé and I have been dating for more than 12 years now. He is the last born and only man of the family. Both families supported the relationship until 2008 when his mother died. It was after the death of his mother that they got to know that he built a house in our names. All his sisters condemned him for including my name in such an important project. They all wondered why he did that considering the fact that we are both not yet married. In their reasoning, it shows that I will prevent them from having unhindered access to their brother and his property when we eventually marry. We are still on the matter. Agatha, I am surprised because this is a man who has done so much for his father and sisters to establish them and make them independent of him. Painfully, my fiancé is weakening my position in his life and family by his attitude. One of the reasons they are giving for opposing his decision to include my name in the house documents has to do with the other ladies he has also introduced to the family. There is this one in particular, I have noticed around him for two years. When I confronted him, he had the grace to admit having a relationship with her. As a matter of fact, he confessed to being in love with the lady just as he is with me. His sisters have decided he should marry this other lady. According to the sister, what pains her about the whole development is the pregnancy my boyfriend asked the other lady to terminate. There is another lady who is always calling me on the phone to insult me. When I complained to my boyfriend, he apologised on her behalf. According to his sisters, they would prefer he remains single rather than marry me. Although I have indicated my interest to terminate the relationship, he is unwilling to let go of me just as he is also determined to hold on to the other lady. The lady is a northerner while we are both come from the western part of the country. Please, Agatha advise me on what to do because I have told him off. But he keeps saying, I shall surely come back to him even if out of anger I marry another man. I can’t explain it all. Worried Fiancée. Dear Worried Fiancée, The issue goes beyond what he wants to what you want. This is a man you have dated for 12 years. What prevented both of you from making your relationship permanent? It couldn’t have been due to lack of money so why did you both wait for this long? What were the issues you were both having in the relationship until things got to this point? Has he always had women in his life all these years? If not, at what point did he change? For him to have added your name to the documents of his house shows his feelings for you are real and that he has sufficient trust in your person. However his insistence on having the other woman too in his life along side you indicates that he may not be the kind of man that is satisfied with having one woman in his life. To be able to understand him, you must be objective about your relationship with him as well as his flaws and yours. Who is this man you have dated for 12 years? What are his plans for himself, his idea of marriage and his major concern in life? Having been with him for these number of years, you more than any of these women is in a better position to describe him. What has kept both of you together all these years? Would you describe him as a womaniser? Do you think he would ever let go of the other woman once his mind is made up about her? Since you appear unwilling too to go, do you see yourself agreeing to marry him irrespective of his other women? Do you see him being able to offer you the kind of protection you need against the hostility of his family members? Is the issue of the name on the documents the only reason his family is now against you? Why is the death of his mother affecting your relationship with him? Have you ever been pregnant for him before? Has he insisted you get pregnant for him? If you had, why did you terminate the pregnancy (ies)? Were the decision to terminate his or yours? And if you have never been pregnant, do you think this could be the reason he is insisting on marrying another woman? Why does his sisters prefer the other girl to you? Have you in the course of your relationship with him given his family the impression that without you nobody can have access to him? Your problem with him could also be that you have both outgrown your relationship. If you are 28, you obviously started dating him when you were merely 16 years of age. At that time, you didn’t know what you were going into. Besides your dream and interests then were of a different kind, not the kind you have with him now. Chances are both of you may have grown apart in ideas, feelings and dreams even though you have been able to keep the relationship going. Having become too familiar with yourselves, the relationship may have reached a peak you cannot move it forward for lack of ideas on what to do. This challenge, if properly handled, could help you in particular know your area of strength and weakness. Unless you develop the thirst to move it forward, it could all collapse like pack of cards. To get this right, you must begin to look at your man from a fresh angle; revisit your dream of your ideal man as well as the qualities you found in him then and what you now know are real and fake about those qualities that attracted you to him. This isn’t the time for you to pretend to want what you know you cannot cope with down the road. Doubtless, you would miss not having him in your life but admitting to the truths now would help you know what realistic steps and options you have. At this critical point in your relationship, you need to take some drastic steps and one of them is calling him for a very frank discussions. Let him tell you what you don’t know about all that is happening between the two of you and why he isn’t satisfied with having only you in his life. Insist he tells you what your faults are with a view of helping you avoiding them later in life. You have to know what his mindset is to enable you determine what your final decision would be. The issue may just be a temporary separation to refresh on your dreams. Going down memory lane helps a great deal in helping couples heal the disappointments in their relationship. You are no longer 16 but a 28-year-old woman, who is now more matured and in charge of her life than the innocent girl that entered into this relationship 12 years back. Unless she is given a chance to express herself, just like your man too need to come out of the age he entered into this relationship and enter his current age both of you would continue to experience this confusion. Doubtless you are both fond of each other but your adults’ selves must come out of the decisions your teenage years made for you urgently. You must answer the question of whether you both want to marry or not, as adults. This declaration would help him come out with the truth he is obviously battling with which, in fairness to him, he may not even know. The earlier you did this the best for you because time is of essence to you. However, don’t ignore the issue of a spiritual angle. When did this present girl surface in your relationship? Was it before the mother’s death or after? In making the final decision, please find time to be with God. Pray and fast because whether you like it or not, this relationship would affect you in more than one ways especially if both of you are throwing in the towel. It would be 12 years of your life that would be ending. Therefore you must be assured by God that you are on the right part, so the pains of your break up would not prevent you from falling in love again or pressure you into dating someone who is all wrong for you. Such moments would also point you at the adversary in your relationship. Ask God to deal with all your confusions himself. Good luck.