Dear Agatha,
You are doing a marvelous job. I don’t know if you can help us because it is not a love matter, but we don’t know where else to turn to.
We are helpless. Our son is an alcoholic addict. He went to best of schools and was in the university when he dropped out without our knowledge. When we found out we did our best to encourage him to change but all to no avail. He was at a rehab and was much better but I took ill and was not there to supervise him, and so he relapsed. We have prayed and fasted and we do not know what else to do. He refused to go back to rehab. Please can you help? We are Muslims by the way.
Worried Mother.
Dear Worried Mother,Like I always say, parenting is about the most difficult job in the world. Although it appears to be very simple to the uninitiated, often it requires the grace of God to come out of it smelling roses.
This is because children are constantly under the influences of so many people and happenings around them. For the most part of it, making a success of it isn’t entirely dependent on the training the child gets at home but the exposure the child gets outside the home. The adulterations come from outside influences, like friends, the media, and social values as propagated by global trends.
Your child may have had the best training at home, and gone to the best schools, but what sort of friends did he make and keep company? What sorts of homes do these friends come from? What sorts of trainings did they get from their homes? What sorts of values did these children come with? That you laboured to send a child to the best schools doesn’t insure the child against negative influences.
Whether parents realise it or not, peer’s influence is one of the strongest, sometimes stronger than family ties or values. Only few children can withstand the pressure of peer’s influences. For this few reasons, it takes special kind of grace to make them withstand the taunt, condemnation, discrimination that come from not being part of the large crowd.
For most youths, they cannot withstand all these emotions hence give in to the influences of their friends. At this point, they jettison everything their parents taught them at home. A discerning parent can always tell when the child begins to take the first fatal steps by the lies, missing money, sudden urge to be alone, irritations when one sneaks into his or her private area unannounced, vague friends and the signal of wanting to do things his or her own way. But once the child escapes the stage of detection and masters the act of living in two different worlds, it becomes almost impossible to find out.
This is where the real challenge of parenting presents itself. Once the child is old enough to mingle with a large crowd of friends; when the rebellion of the teenage years mingles with the natural curiosity of the human mind, parenting can go either way.
One thing you should never do is to blame yourself unduly for refusing to act when the signs were all over. The danger of doing that would only make you more guilty and unable to help him. Take the blame for those mistakes you know you could have avoided and manage those you know you had no power over.
At this point, it is no use dwelling over the past. The past that brought him to this point no longer has the power to influence him or change him. The harm of the past has done the worst. You and his father can’t change that.
The only heritage the past has to offer him and you in his current state is the memorial of your own youthful years. What was it like? How did it go with your parents? On those occasions your parents were spitting fire as a result of your misbehaviour, how did you feel? How did you want them to handle you? What were the things your parents did which in retrospect you wished they had done differently? What words did you crave to hear the most from them, which never came your way?
Can you think of any point in your yesterday as a teenager or youth when you wanted to go contrary to all the training you had? When you wanted to revenge your parents’ seeming high-handedness? When you wanted to shame them for not allowing you have enough of the things you wanted? Or when you wanted to do something outrageous simply to get them to devote time to you?
In your own past, what mistakes did you make that given the benefit of time could have contributed to his current travails?
Can you think of any? Knowing and appreciating the many thoughts going on in his mind would make it easier for you.
He may have rejected everything but he cannot reject love and friendship. It is long past time the period of condemnation, regrets and accusation. From his reactions to your absence by his side, it is obvious he needs you around him and to get over his challenge.
What is the nature of your sickness? Would it allow you go to the rehab at least once a week or twice while you employ someone to care for him for the rest days of the week?
Is there an interim arrangement you can work out with him if he isn’t keen on another person taking your place by his side at the rehab?
Why has he relapsed at home? Is there any condition at home he isn’t comfortable with? Has he ever complained about anything at home? Learn to listen to those salient things he is telling you. They may not make sense to you but sensible to him and important enough to change a lot of things about his condition.
If your inability to be with him at the rehab is the reason he relapsed, shouldn’t being at home with you exclusively help him stay focused on his recovery?
What changed between the times you visited him, fell sick, and his coming home? Can you think of anything? What have you done since his coming home to recreate the type of environment at the rehab centre for him?
The people at the centre must have done something right to make him change, can you get them to teach you? What tactic did they deploy in getting through to him? Is there something special in the décor of the place he particularly liked that could be recreated in the home to help him relax?
Go to the rehab if he refused to discuss ways they can help you get him off the habit. Ask if they render special home services. Even if they don’t, find out if something can be worked out for your son, a sort of arrangement that would involve them either coming to your house to counsel him or having him come over as an outpatient? Combining their professionalism with your maternal love is essential for his recovery.
If they are unwilling, seek professional help somewhere else.
There is also the need for you to impress it on your husband that money alone doesn’t make things right. He also has to get over his disappointment as a parent and be the friend he needs now to go back on the right track. In all his haziness, he has to find true love and friendship in your eyes to make him snap out his situation. He has to see a different kind of concern, one different from everything he is used to make him want to change.
Don’t ever get discouraged on those days he wants a sip of alcohol. His recovery cannot be without such incidents from time to time. Old habits are often the hardest to beat. On the days he shows remarkable recovery, reward him with a compliment on how good he looks or proud of him. Work on his vanity at times to get him interested in life and happenings around him. We all have egos we want massaged from time to time.
Another area you should work on is his source of supply. Where does he get the money? Who gets him his supplies? Who are still his friends, his collaborators in this macabre dance? Ensure you find out everything you need to know about his movements, his friends and even the level of assistance he is getting from his siblings. Ensure you also clear away your valuables so he doesn’t have easy access to funds to continue his habits.
This is one task you cannot do alone or afford to do with hostility. Despite the pains inside of you, you must learn to play down your own feelings and adopt wisdom in all of these.
As his mother, don’t give up on him even if everyone does. Keep praying for him because God listens always. His condition may appear discouraging, but you owe it to him never to lose faith in him because to do that would be to condemn him forever. Always speak positive words into his life.
Once you learn not to be affected by the opinions of others and concentrate on ensuring you help him get over this challenge, giving him your love and support would be a lot easy.
Good luck.
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