Dear Agatha,
I really don’t have evidence to establish the problem I am about to share with you, but my instincts have never failed me.
Late last year, my husband brought in one of his females cousins to stay with us. They are actually third cousins. According to him, she was having problems with her landlord who, without telling her, got a judgment against her for her eviction.
Not knowing where to go, she called my husband, who in turn called me to inform me about the incident. I didn’t know what to say because his family members have never hidden their dislike for me.
If I refuse, his mother in particular would come to insult me for trying to cause problem in the family. And being the matriarch of the family, her words were law. And this girl’s mother happens to be related to her.
Against my will, I allowed her to move into our home. From the very first day she moved in, I sensed trouble. I noticed she was unusually close to my husband, besides going in and out of her bedroom in her under wears.
Even though my husband pretended not to notice, I noticed and protested that for decency sake, she should always endeavour to cover herself around the house.
She told me point blank that my husband was used to seeing her nakedness, and that she did not understand why I am so set against it. I allowed it to pass for the sake of my marriage, but my daughter who is 12, told her that it wasn’t right for her to walk around naked in the house.
At first I didn’t make anything out of the two of them going to work and returning from work together, until a friend of mine draw my attention to their unusual closeness, and wondered how it could have been convenient for my husband, whose office is at Victoria Island, to drive all the way to Wharf, Apapa, everyday, to pick his supposed cousin.
She told me to be watchful and careful. When I tried to raise the issue with my husband, it earned me a beaten; something he has never done in our almost 13 years of marriage.
Sometimes, he goes into her room and stayed there for a long time discussing, even while aware that I am waiting for him in our bedroom.
When I am at home, the two of them always find the perfect excuse to go out and when I am not at home, my little boy tells me that aunty sits on daddy’s legs and feeds him.
I don’t know how to handle this at all. I don’t like quarrels and can’t stand a situation where my husband and I are living like cat and mouse.
In the last couple of months, he has hardly touched me, and anytime I make the move, he turns cold. I am so fed up. Please help me before I run mad. My friends and family think I should send the ‘cousin’ packing, but I fear for my life, because my husband has changed dramatically and what do I tell my mother-in-law? The only area he hasn’t changed is where his children are concerned. He still loves his children and would do anything for them.
Nifemi.
Dear Nifemi,Tell your mother-in-law the truth about what is happening between her son and her niece. No matter how difficult she is or resentful of you, no mother would encourage such relationship.
She doesn’t have to support you, but having the courage to confront her with the facts of the matter may change the situation in your home. If nothing, the lady would know that your sweet nature isn’t license for anybody to take you for granted. She is getting away with what she is doing because she senses you lack the guts to fight for your home.
This is the point you must try to invalidate. Your husband is now a married man and hence, must not be subject to the torture of seeing another woman’s naked body. Irrespective of whether or not she and your husband shared each other’s intimacy when they were growing up, let her know that you are not comfortable with the practice in your home, and would be grateful if she limits her nudity to her room.
Furthermore, point out the negative influence of her habit on your children. Tell her your daughter is approaching the difficult stage of her life, her most vulnerable years; the age she is easily influenced by negative things, and that you would appreciate she applies some discretion in the habits she displays around your daughter. This is also the point you should emphasis to your husband. By not making it appear your objection comes from your own unease, but as a result of the interest of his daughter, he is bound to listen because of his love for the children.
Get your daughter too to put pressures on her father to put his cousin under check.
Also you must use your children to break up their time together. For instance, instigate the children to demand he takes you and them for an outing on the weekends he is at home.
Using the children to fight your battle is to protect you from being beaten and save you the embarrassment of this cousin witnessing your humiliation. Although not a very good weapon, in your case, it is seems to be the only one you have, due to your timidity and fear of the negative changes in your husband.
Given your nature, you lack the guts to send her packing but between you and the children, her stay in your house can be made very uncomfortable so much so that she gets the picture that you all want her to leave.
Since she is using the advantage of having known your husband all her life to cause you discomfort in your home, beat her at her game by using the legality of your marriage to fight her. When she imprisons your husband in her room under the guise of having a conversation with him, go in there and sweetly demand to speak with him in the privacy of a room you would have redecorated and perfumed in his favourite scent. Get him interested in the set up by investing in the attires he likes you in.
I appreciate that some of these may appear humiliating but when you think of the ultimate goal of getting back the love of the man you love, it would be a small price to pay.
Take the game to his office by going there almost near to his closing time to invite him out to a dinner for two. If possible get someone to baby sit the children for the night and take him away for a naughty weekend. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to beg him to be with you if need be.
What is important is not giving the two of them time to be together. By refusing to do anything and politely accepting everything they throw at you, you unwittingly give up your home to her and desires.
Not being violent in nature isn’t the same thing as being lame and lacking in the will to make the difference in your home and life. The survival of any marriage is fuelled by determination. You must at all times be ready to fight for the survival of your marriage and protect it from intruders.
This is your life and marriage and whatever time, money, wisdom invested in making it work would at the end of the day pay off. Every thing is fair in war, so use your children and resources to ensure she doesn’t have access to your husband again.
Importantly, learn to pray. You have the powers to pray her out of your home if you so desire. It is a simple thing of going to God in prayers and asking Him to protect your marriage from every intruder.
Good luck.
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