Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Lovemaking looks like torture to her…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I don’t enjoy having sex with my wife of two years. Since getting married to her, it is been challenging. I have done all I know to help her improve on her performance but nothing is working.

Although she wasn’t a virgin when I met her, from her disposition and attitude that first time, I thought she was.

When I asked her what her problem with lovemaking is, she initially didn’t open up but just started to cry. I was alarmed and knew something was very wrong somewhere in her past.

She eventually told me how her stepfather repeatedly raped her for two years until she ran away from home to stay with her grandmother.

Only her paternal grandmother knows about this episode. She gave her all the protection she needed so didn’t have to go back to her mother and husband.

But that was all she could provide. My wife went through school afraid of men generally. I was very persistent and since her single status was becoming a huge concern to the grandmother, she had no choice but to accept my offer of marriage.

She is one of the nicest women I have ever met. She is very respectful and supportive of me. I really love her so much but I don’t know for how long I can put up with her attitude towards sex. She cries each time we make love. Sincerely, I can’t call our intimacy a lovemaking experience; it appears more of a rape to me. From the expression on her face and her body language, there is no denying the fact that she only endures it all. Deep down I think she sees me as her stepfather who happens to be the only man who has had access into her body until she met me.

I really don’t how to make her come out of it. I feel dirty and like a monster forcing her to do what she doesn’t want to do.

This is one issue, I cannot discuss with my friends or family members because I don’t want anyone mocking her. It is too sensitive to our marriage. You know how cruel people can be. The knowledge that people know about it would crush her completely; I don’t want her hurt than she already is.

Being a woman and mother blessed with usual wisdom, I want you to help us get out of this problem.

Jonny.



Dear Jonny,

In addition to whatever I tell you, there is the need for her to see a psychologist. The wound is deeper than you can handle. All the memories of her abuses by her stepfather are deeply etched in her mind’s eyes.

It would take care and extra understanding by you to help her forget it all. You are doing it all wrong. What she needs first isn’t you teaching her how to make love, but how to come out of her shell. She needs you to help her achieve a better understanding of all the veriables life offers her. She needs you to make the sacrifices to make her happy again.

It couldn’t have been a pleasant experience for her to be constantly raped by a man who should be her father as well as protect her from what he was doing to her.

She must love you to allow you near her. Other women in her shoes ended up not being able to trust any man again and elected to become lesbians.

She needs expert help to come to terms with what happened to her; tell her it wasn’t her fault and how much damage she is doing to herself by remaining in the shadows of what this man did to her.

She has to be told too that refusing to move beyond the point at which she ran away from him is like giving the man all the powers in the world to continue to hurt her forever.

For now, you may have to stop having sex with her since she is still very bothered about her past. Sex can’t be what it should be for her. She has to see a difference between you, your need of her, and her stepfather’s interest in her body.

She has to learn to trust you because that is the only way she can give you her body and soul. What you have now is just her body. Her attitude speaks volume of her mindset about any form of intimacy between her and any man.

By abstaining from being initmate with her, you are exposing her to the other kind of desire a man has for a woman. Granted she is your wife but you need to woo her properly, take her to places, show her how wonderful life can be between a man and woman.

Show her that while the ultimate end of any relationship between a man and woman is lovemaking that it is also possible for a man who cares about a woman to go the extra miles for her. I am sure you didn’t envisage this kind of challenge while you were dating so may not have given the courtship detailed attention as you should have. Had you done that, you may have succeeded in unknowingly dousing some of her fears about men and closeness to them.

Beyond her fears about sex, you also have to get to meet her real person, not the frightened woman who is your wife. Between the time she was repeatedly being raped by her stepfather and becoming your wife, she lost a lot of her original person. You have to help her find and make reconnection with that person all over again.

Before she was raped, she had dreams and plans of how she would achieve them. She must have dreamt of getting married one day and having children. All those things she planned to do became infected by the demonic desires of a man for sex.

So many things must have been going on in her mind at those moments. Top on the agenda would be hatred for all those who should have protected her.

First is against the father who through death or divorce isn’t where he is supposed to be to protect her. She would equally blame the mother for marrying a man who is a monster. Deep in her heart, she feels betrayed by everybody. In a twisted way too, you happen to also fall into the category of those to be blamed on her list.

Every night or day you demand sex from her, you are taking her back to a time she wants to desperately forget. Your blame is not allowing her to forget the experience completely.

If you can afford it, take her away from familiar environment, to a place she has never been too. The experience would relax her to talk about her carefree childhood days, before the stepfather came into her life.

The essence is to give her something pleasant to remember, bring back the smile of her younger days, help her to remember how to smile, hope and be happy. It is also to make her your friend. Once she is able to bring herself to talk about her past, she is on her way to recovery as images of her happy moments would begin to filter into her mind from time to time.

She is becoming rigid and frigid because she has completely blocked out everything that reminds her of her former life.

Your duty as her husband is to make the sacrifices of clearing away all the dirts of these unpleasant memories. Show her unconditional love and encouragement. By being nice and extra gentle with her, she would eventually come to see and desire you as a man. This is because you are through your actions building new and promising memory bank for her, giving her somehting to look forward to and a dream to nurture.

We all need to cradle a dream at every point in our lives else we become zombies that function on the order of others around us.

No matter how terrible her former experience is she would eventually begin to feel a desire for the man that you are once you expose her to how caring a man can be.

Once she is able to cross over, it would be easier for you to enjoy intimacy with her, help her learn how it is like for a man and woman who are in love to achieve oneness in marriage or lovemaking. You have to teach her there is a difference between crude, raw sex, and true lovemaking.

Also, learn to pray for her because only God can completely erase such terrible memories from her mind. One man took away her dream, be the man who gives it back to her through your determined effort to make this marriage work at all cost.

All her life, no one outside her grandmother has made any sacrifice for her. She needs you to do it for her and urgently too before you also get frustrated and unable to move beyond the point you are in now.

Good luck.

Her love seems waning…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

You are indeed a rare gem when it comes to tackling of affairs and relationships. My sincere prayer is for your hands to continue to be lifted higher.

I am 26 years old while my girlfriend is 21. I met her while in a serious relationship with another man. We actually started as causal friends until my feelings for her changed to something deeper. I fell completely in love with her even though I was still with the old one.

After a while my old girlfriend, became involved with another man. I didn’t know but when I got to know, I used it as an excuse to quit the relationship to enable me concentrate on my new relationship.

We are so much into each other that I am already planning a future together with her. But of recent I discovered some changes in her nature. Apart from not sending text messages as before, she also doesn’t call me as often as before.

In addition she seems very uncomfortable these days in my company.

When it was becoming too obvious, I had to confront her about the changes I noticed in her attitude towards me. She told me nothing was the matter but I am very worried even as my friends think she is only trying to test me to know my kind of person. Where I stand with her since I don’t want to lose her?

TO.

Agatha, I want to know



Dear TO,

There are several ways to deal with an issue. Sometimes solutions are not resolved through dialogue alone; at times it helps to go beyond talking to demonstrating one’s desires and thoughts.

There is no contesting the fact that your relationship needs more flesh and squeeze to make it work reasonably well.

Her reaction may be induced by fear of the speed at which you are going. At 26 and 21, marriage shouldn’t be the first thing on your lists of priority.

Certain things must be in place before you begin to get serious in that direction. It is good to have a dream, but what is important is the kind of nurture and plan that goes into conceptualising that dream. Beyond the passion you feel for this lady, what kinds of preparation have you put in place?

As a man, what if she gets pregnant along the line, are you capable of playing your role as father and husband in your present position? One thing is to love, desire and dream, but another thing is for one to have the ability to make the dream soar.

Your desire to be her husband can only be achieved, if you exercise the patience to plan well. What you should do is to sit her down to hear her plans for herself and to share yours with her. Between sharing yours with her and she telling you what hers are you will be able to talk about the future without pretenses.

From this conversation, you will be able to have a preview into her kind of persons and dreams. It would give you a clear idea if you are the kind of man she needs in her life to make it happen for her. You may love her but if you don’t have the ability to help her achieve what she wants from life, it may not work at the end of the day.

You have to give her reasons to stay. Check yourself; put yourself in her shoes? If you were a woman, would you take yourself serious?

She could be the kind of woman who is looking for substance in her man, and not one who dwells only in flowery love prose.

Find out first who she really is to enable you know how to respond to her person. Don’t expect her to act like your ex.

Good luck.

She’s too cunning to be taken real…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am a man of 28 years of age dating a lady, 23. We started dating about four months ago and I love this girl very much because she has all the qualities I want in a woman.

But my problem is I don’t know her at all. There was a time I called her on phone and heard a guy’s voice. When I asked for the identity of the man, she told me he was her brother who came for a visit.

I asked that the phone be given to him so I could speak with him. I asked him about his studies as well as his department. I discovered he was also in the same department as my girlfriend.

During the course of our conversation, he said my girlfriend had told him so much about me. I was confused because all along, my girlfriend gave me the impression that her brother was working.

Agatha, do you think this girl loves me? Could that boy be her school boyfriend? Could she be using me?

I am confused. Please help me.

Confused Boyfriend.



Dear Confused Boyfriend,

Both of you are just starting out; hence need time to know each other. Commitment isn’t something that happens in a day. It takes a lot of time and devotion to make it come out in the right texture.

Nothing would work between the two of you if you begin to question or suspect every move she makes or her motive.

Both of you are coming from different backgrounds as well as lives. Before you, she had a life just as you had one too. She may not have totally disengaged from a relationship she was in before you came along. The average girl these days likes to slowly, dip one foot into the river before making up her mind on whether to put in the second foot.

It is a kind of security because just as men are afraid of being disappointed, women too are scared of having their hearts broken. It is a matter of trust for a couple to make a relationship work well.

What you should do is to pretend you haven’t noticed anything. It takes a lot of sacrifices to achieve a good relationship. In every relationship, one person must be gentle and deeper in wisdom than the other person.

As one aspiring to be the head of a home, you have to learn to cope with the nature of a woman. You have only just met four months ago. It would take more than this time for you to know who she is. There is a huge difference between who and what we all are. Unless she has only one brother, this one could be another brother of hers in school. Besides, he could be a close cousin.

You will look stupid if after reacting negatively, the man turns out to be who she says he is. This is why you have to make the sacrifice of lack of complaint. Learn it as a virtue if you want to live with a woman successfully.

Like a house, a relationship must have a very solid foundation to be able to carry the weight of the building that would stand on it.

If both architect and structural engineer don’t work hand in hand to ensure that the right materials are used in the right places, such a building may collaspe eventually or develops severe problems later in life.

The same thing goes for a relationship. You and your girlfriend must come to the drawing board with dummy visual of the kind of relationship you want to have. Both of you must agree to something that would work for both of you.

To do it right and get the kind of commitment needed to drive it to complete fulfilment, you have to go the extra mile.

Don’t also forget at 23, she may not be as ready as you are. At her age, a lot of men would definitely be around her, seeking her attention. This is the time a man waits with the patience of the dove.

To get it right with her and earn her trust, be a good friend, don’t frighten her too much with too many questions for now. Like a child feeling its way through slippery terrains, be cautious until you have the confidence of her character to insist on certain things.

She may really be in love with you for now but if she discovers you are too suspicious, she may, out of fear, retreat. It can really hurt when one isn’t guilty of an offence he or she is being accused of.

I am sure you also have one or two female friends or relations in your life that will never leave your life. This boy could just be that kind of friend whose real identity she is afraid to devulge to you for fear of what you would say. If she weren’t used to sharing her thoughts or life with anyone, it would take a while for her to begin to. A lot would depend on the kind of friendship you are offering her.

Don’t forget that we are only ambassadors of the different enviroments we grew up. Just like you are a product of your background, she is also a reflection of all the different people and friends she has come in contact with.

It is too early to think she is out to deceive you. Get to know her better to avoid you coming to the wrong conclusions. A little dose of patience will answer all your questions clearly.

Good luck.

I fought my husband’s mistress

Agatha Edo, Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I recently discovered through my husband’s text messages that he is having an affair. When I tried to find out from him who the lady is, he denied having any other woman in his life and asked to know who has been feeding me with the damaging information which in his opinion could break my home.

At first, I didn’t tell him how I found out but later told him, I went through his text messages. He didn’t say anything beyond warning me never to go through his phones since he doesn’t bother with mine.

I was so angry at his reaction that I called the other woman, whose number I had transferred to my phone, to stay away from my husband. There was no name I didn’t call her and even warned her that if she didn’t stay away from him, I would deal with her in a way she would never forget.

She must have told my husband about my call because he came back home very angry. He again warned me to allow things be; that I shouldn’t push my luck.

I didn’t listen; I had to fight for my husband and home so I made more investigations and found out where she lives and works. To my pains, I discovered that she isn’t just his girlfriend but has a set of twins for my husband.

We have been married for six years and have done everything to get pregnant but I haven’t been able to. I was so enraged that I fought her right in the presence of her children. I broke her head with a bottle I found in her sitting room. But for the intervention of my husband, I would have been arrested and locked up by the police. The woman too pleaded with her neighbours to allow me be.

It was after this incident, I found out that the woman is actually his ex- girlfriend who lost her husband early this year and, that her children actually belonged to her late husband. Though she is interested in coming back to my husband, he isn’t. I felt like a fool when I found out the truth from her.

Now my husband is throwing me out of the house without even giving me a chance to beg for forgiveness. He says it would be better off for him to go with this woman after all.

I want your help to resolve this problem because I really want and love my husband. I did all those things because I didn’t want another woman in his life. None of his family members want to intervene on my behalf because in their opinion I am too violent and rude.

Please help me.

Omose



Dear Omose,

There is only one person capable of making your husband change his mind, the woman you went to fight in her house.

She is the only one your husband would listen to in this matter. You may find it humiliating going to the woman you thought was your rival but if you want to keep your home, this isn’t the time for you to be ashamed or bothered about what her reactions would be if you go to her for help.

Desperate situation needs desperate solution. Your husband’s reaction has to do with your conduct and the extent you went with the woman. What if she had died on that day? What would be your story or his for that matter? What would both of you be saying to the police?

He is afraid you would do something more drastic if you find out about another woman he is close to. You are getting away with it this time because of the nature of the woman involved as well as her disposition towards life. Next time you may not be that lucky. Another woman, determined to make a case with you, would insist on police involvement. By now you would have been charged with attempted murder; worrying about securing your freedom and not whether your husband is getting married to another woman or not.

Only free women worry about their marriages. Another woman would have insisted on involving the law to give her the freedom of moving in with your husband. Her refusal to make it a police case underscores her maturity and respect for the person of your husband.

Respect is obviously one thing you do not have for your husband. A woman who lacks respect for her husband stays long in his house. Even if he is having an affair, there are better ways of getting him to go off the woman. Fighting your husband’s mistress isn’t a solution to making him come back to you.

A wise woman finds out the reason her husband is having the affair. Even if you take time out to investigate the woman, it is to learn one or two things from her; the reason your husband is interested in her. It could be her appearance, conduct or the values she places on your husband.

Knowing what her strong points are is to help you know what technique to use at home in ensuring your husband has less time to spend with her. Every man desires a humble and respectful wife. They also desire a woman who is neat and conscious of what her responsibilities are.

By fighting her, you not only exposed your shortcomings to the world but also empowered all those who wonder what your husband saw in you in the first place. The refusal of your in-laws to plead on your behalf speaks volume about your person. It is certainly not complimentary for you that nobody is willing to come out within the family to plead your case. You must have overdone things severally.

Respect is fundamental. After going to the woman to help you get your man back, sit back and really talk to yourself. From this whole episode, you now know what and where your shortcomings are. It would do you a world of good, if you allow this experience to teach you how to relate with people around you.

Until recently, your husband, despite not having a child for him, didn’t think of sending you out of his house nor did he betray the pressures he must have been having from members of his family to send you away. Their reaction to what is happening now underscores the kind of things and thoughts they have about you.

Therefore he needs more than apologies from you to make him come back. He needs assurances too that he would have peace in his home as well as the respect deserving of his position as the head of his home. Chances are if you two are close, he would have made mention of this lady in his conversation with you. He may not tell you everything but would mention the death of her husband.

You have to find ways of being close to him. Although, you didn’t mention anything about what your relationship has been like, it is clear that you two are familiar strangers living together. The presence of children isn’t the only reason couples stay close. The function of marriage is first and foremost for companionship. Without it, life can be very grey and cold. And what brings about quality companionship? Peace. If the whole time you are nagging, arguing and having serious fallouts in your union, chances of both of you having a reasonable discussion as a couple becomes slim by the day.

This is what you must strive to bring into your marriage. Some babies won’t come if there is no harmony in a home. You must look for ways to communicate your desire to give your husband peace in his life. While he can cope with your nature inside the confines of his home, he clearly cannot condone with your exposing the challenges of his home to the world. By your action, you have disrobed him, causing people to mock him as being a weakling.

Before it all got this bad, there is something he saw in you. Can you remember that thing that attracted him to you; and has continued to influence his decision to stay with you? Find it and bring it back to your marriage with the help of God.

It may not be so easy to make him forgive or forget but if you are determined and truly love him, learn to be patient since the lack of it is what makes us irrational. If you had been patient, you wouldn’t have gone through his messages and even if you did, would have grown the endurance to handle it with wisdom.

By now, you should realise that most men are polygamists by nature and only a foolish woman allows her husband’s extra- marital affairs get under her skin.

Iron out your differences with your husband and stop looking for that thing you didn’t misplace.

Good luck.