Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'm Set For Marriage...He Still Seeks Admission


Dear Agatha,


I am 22 in a relationship with a man at 27. We have been in this relationship for about six years.


But the challenge is that while I am already an undergraduate my boyfriend is still struggling for an admission into the university.


I am the eldest of six children in the family and things are not that glowing with us.


I want to get married so that I would be able to care for my younger ones. Men have been coming to ask for my hand in marriage. The thing is that my boyfriend is not ready to get married now or in the nearest future. He still has a long way to go.


Please, Agatha, I am confused. I don't know what to do. Help me, I am helpless now.


Helpless Lady.




Dear Helpless Lady,


There is more to marriage than the issue you highlighted, that of caring for your siblings. People should marry for love and friendship. There is no way you would be able to fulfill your self-given assignment of looking after your younger ones if you don't have a happy home or a supportive husband. Everything has to be in it right place for you to play your role effectively as an elder sister because nothing in life exists in vacuum.


While there is the possibility you and your current boyfriend whom you started dating when you knew next to nothing about what you wanted out of life may have outgrown each other, the fact remains that you simply cannot end one relationship over lack of direction and jump into another on account of what your family is passing through.


If you go on with this agenda, chances are very obvious that you would be offering yourself to the highest bidder, the man who has the money to help you train your siblings and not because you want to be happy in your life.


There is a very thick line between love and want. You may want a man for his money but without the essential ingredients of love, you will never be able to give that man the respect and loyalty his position as your husband demands.


The danger of such an arrangement are too numerous to contemplate. The first is that you would never have the patience and tolerance to journey with your man through the concomitant turbulence of marriage. For you to endure situations in a marriage there must be a measure of love or friendship involved. It is also love or friendship that gives one the confidence as well as determination to make good of a bad situation. If the essence of agreeing to marriage is based on financial stability or consideration, the emotional determination to make it work dips because nothing in their emotional composition is strong enough to bring about such profound level of commitment.


No amount of money is ever enough to buy happiness, loyalty or commitment. This is one issue you must consider critically. It won't do you any good to get married to one man today only to discover that you are in love with another man tomorrow. Such hasty and ill-conceived reason is the reason so many marriages are in trouble today. The gift of marriage flows from inside not outward appearances or the things the person has.


Before a marriage can work and provide the couple an enabling environment to achieve their dream for coming together, they must have a common ground to operate.


It is quite remarkable that you have the passion to help with your family; only a man who shares in your passion and love for your family would be able to help you uplift them.


For a man to do that, he has to love you in a special kind of way so as not to see you or your family as a burden to him. He has to be man enough to be able to withstand the attendant family commotion that characterises heavy investment in the woman's family. the type of man that would, must be your friend, because one who is not would one day wake up and send everybody off from his home on account of a quarrel. He has to be a man who is patient, respectful, humble, tolerant, caring and very understanding of life, or else you would end up being a slave in your home, simply because you want to be on his good side always, so he can continue to sponsor your younger ones. The worst kind of thing to happen to any man or woman is to have his or her pride dragged into the mud. It hurts more than physical assault. So, be careful you don't mortgage your pride as well as those of your family members in your hastiness to get married.


This is extremely important because this man isn't ever going to go away. He would always be with you and your family hence it is necessary that he has the right attitude to prevent bad blood in the family.


Among all those asking your hand in marriage which among them is ready to make such a monumental sacrifice for you? Who is willing to take on the burden of an already made family? Who would not after a while, think you and your family a burden or treat you with contempt at being the saviour of the family? Who among them can you love unconditionally?


Your ideal man may not have money but peace to offer you to build on your own potentials. Self-help is usually the best form of help. No matter how rich your ideal man is, in your own interest as well as that of your family, you also have to put in your effort because eventually, both of you would have children of your own which would obliterate the preference for your siblings' interest.


Money isn't the only support a man can give you. If he gives you peace in the home as well as trust and support to reach the pinnacle of your career, having the resources to train your siblings won't be any problem to you in the sense that you would be able to build a viable career.


It could be in the area of good business ideas to your family. Support comes in all sorts of form. So, be careful you don't limit your choices. Look for a man whose tomorrow is brighter than today. Remember you are no longer 16 hence must know what you want to enable you recognise similar needs in a man.


As for your current boyfriend, I agree it may not be easy for you to wait for him to be ready in the sense that at 27, he is yet to have a clear idea of where life is leading him. If he is still struggling to gain admission into school at this age, when would he finish his education, serve, get a job and be ready for marriage? You may not be able to wait for him since you are already in school. This situation works well if the man gets into school first and you the woman still struggling to get in.


Having stayed with him for six years, you owe him the truth. It is better he gets hurt telling him the truth than you leaving without explaining your reasons to him.


Let him know this is one incident when your love for each other isn't just enough for you anymore, when you want more from life than you are currently getting.


It is only after you have told him everything that you can leave him to pursue your new dreams. But in pursuing your new dreams, you must also be sure that this old relationship is really over, else you may never have the opportunity of redeeming your mistake.


Good luck.