Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I’m Too Shy To Talk Girls


Dear Agatha,

I am very shy when it comes to women generally. Till date I am yet to experience the thrills of a relationship because of this.

However there is this schoolmate of mine whom I have never spoken to but whom I have developed very strong feelings for.

Anytime I try approaching her, I lose courage as my mouth becomes too heavy and bereft of words to express my intention.

Please help me out as I am really in love.

Chris.

 


Dear Chris,

Unless you make a fast move, you might lose her to another man. She isn’t a monster. The worst would be for her to reject your advances. This way you would at least know that you tried instead of wishing in later years that you told her about how you feel. 

But first you must learn to deal with the issue of your shyness. What do you think is responsible for it? Face whatever it is you think is responsible with all boldness and courage. There is no big deal approaching a lady for a relationship. Women are meant to be wooed by men. That one declines your offer doesn’t make you a failure in that field or for a man to give up.

You are finding it difficult to say anything to her because you are trying too hard to get noticed as well as make the right impression.

Chatting a woman up isn’t as difficult as most men are making it appear. A simple hello and how are you would do to arrest her attention even if for a moment.

In place of relationship, first offer her friendship, it is an uncomplicated offer which allows her the peace, freedom and right attitude to pursue as well as consider her options, without stress.

Most women feel insulted when a man they hardly know pounces on them with proposals of being in love with them. Serious minded women cannot help but wonder at the criteria used by the man to come to that conclusion.

If you set out to become her friend the same way you select your male friends, you won’t notice when the relationship graduates to the next stage because it would take a natural path.

Women too know how daunting the task is for most men to come out of their shells and sometimes out of mischief deliberately make things difficult but if the man is wise, he would not present his real interest first. Women find it difficult to be nasty to their friends unlike with complete strangers.

Good luck. 

He Wants Me Back In Bed Nine Months After Childbirth


Dear Agatha,

I gave birth to my first child nine months ago. Since then my husband has kept pestering me for sex. When I told my mother about it, she said I should ignore him because having sex with him while breast-feeding would affect the health of the child.

I have tried explaining the need for him to be patient but he has taken to threatening me. He is threatening to have an affair if I continue to hold back.

My baby is teething; a period my mother said is particularly bad for both mother and child. She said sperm from my husband if I allow him to make love with me would affect the health of the baby because the child would take in the sperm from my breast, a development that would upset the baby’s stomach and complicate the teething problem.

I don’t want my husband to have an affair. Do you think I should stop breast-feeding so as to be available to my husband?

Susan.


 

Dear Susan,

Nine months in which you kept your husband away from your bed for a reason that is untrue? This is the height of marital cruelty! What relationship has your husband’s sperm with the milk the baby takes from your breast?

Your mother ought to know better. If your husband goes outside his home to have an affair, blame your mother, if your home collapses, blame your mother’s wrong counsel for it. If your husband marries another woman, the blame should go to your mother because what she is asking you to do is akin to telling you to marry another woman for your husband.

If your father tolerated it, allowed her to keep him away from her bed for that so long a time, it is either he was having extra marital affairs or married to several women in which case he can afford to ignore a woman for as long as nine months. One of the reasons we marry is to have unlimited access to sex. It is your obligation to give yourself to your husband when he demands for it and since he knows you are of good physical and emotional health, he would never have the patience and understanding not to exercise his rights.

You are not a piece of furniture in his house. For goodness sake, you are his wife, what he gets from you is unlike any he would get outside his home. So he cannot understand why the woman he married is refusing him when another woman would gladly give the same thing to him. In his shoes, would you? Don’t make the mistake of assuming his threats are meant to force you into doing what he wants, it is simply to tell you that he has exhausted his patience and is now determined to do what he has to do as a man in charge of his affairs.

Sincerely at this point, he is beyond care and reason as he is ready to damn the consequences of whatever actions he is contemplating.  A man on heat is beyond reason and would go to any length to have relief even if it cost him some peaceful moments later in life.

This is because in the first instance, there is nothing for him to understand or be patience over. Since there is no medical reason for what you are doing, what is there to understand? That his wife is being cruel to him, playing the script of an old woman whose idea of family planning is using breast-feeding as an excuse not to have sex with her husband and subsequently protect herself against early pregnancy shortly after a childbirth?

What is there for him to be patient over when his body hungers for you?

What would you think or do if he is the one denying you sex for this long? Would you not accuse him of having an affair outside you?

Deep in your mind, would you blame him if you he turns round, out of frustration, to accuse you of having an affair outside the home, and that your excuse of breast-feeding is only a smoke screen to hide the real reason?

If you don’t want a major crisis in your hands, give in to his demands because the baby you are abandoning him for will never be able to fill the gap of your husband in your life. There is no way you can have that child forever whereas, you and your husband are meant to last for the rest of your lives.

Sex is too much of an emotion between couples to be ignored or treated with levity. There is more about sex than making of babies. It is the bond, the nectar and the essence of marriage. It is the breath of life that gives oxygen to a relationship. Denying your husband and marriage of its life essence is similar to strangulating you both.

And why are you allowing your mother too much room in your marriage? Your marriage is private territory of you and your man only, not even your children must be given too much freedom to interfere.

Why do you need the permission of your mother to sleep with your husband? Why should she be the one dictating when you get to sleep with your man?

Frankly, these are situations you must never allow in the interest of your home. Would you have endured the situation if the meddling were coming from your husband’s mother? Would you have listened to her or tolerated the massive interference of something so personal? Wouldn’t you have gone round complaining about your mother-in-law’s wish to destabilise your home?

Marriage that involves outside interests never lasts. I am sure your mother wouldn’t want you to come back home to her or you for that matter. If the intention of your mother is not to pursue you out of your husband’s house, stop telling her anything about your love life. If God intended us to have an audience, He wouldn’t have given humans the sense to make it a private affair; it would have been an open act like the lesser animals do.

Medically, a woman is fit to resume sexual activities six weeks after the birth of a child if she has no complications. The longest she can stay off sex, if she went through cesarean, is three months.

The sperm has its natural path in the body of a woman so does the breast milk. Even though the production of milk is instigated by the act of a sperm, it doesn’t mean they come from the same source.

Doubtless, the breast milk helps provide the child with a high level immunity to fight diseases; it should not deny you and your husband the pleasure of each other’s company. There is no need to stop the baby from suckling. Be rest assured, it would not affect the baby in any way. The only draw back is that your husband may not be able to fondle your breasts with his tongue, as he would like, if he cannot tolerate the breast milk in his mouth.

If the hidden fear is about getting pregnant so soon after the birth of your child, there are various family planning devices. Visit your family doctor for professional help. They are in the best position to tell you which would work best for you but in the interim, lure your husband to bed this night if you haven’t already done so before this article comes out.

As for your mother, when next she asks if you have resumed having sex with your husband answer her in the negative. Go further by telling her you intend to wait as long as it takes to wean the baby from breast milk. This should keep her off your back.

And in your interest, keep your mother away from your home and please don’t tell him that your mother kept you away from his bed for that number of months. You would only be setting the stage for the two of them not to be friends for life. Certain things are best left unsaid. It is you that should apply wisdom in your relationship with your mother from now on.

Good luck.