With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
You have been very wonderful in the handling of your column. May God bless you.
I am a Christian guy in my mid, an undergraduate and also sings very well. I have never spoken to any lady concerning love. I don’t know what is responsible for this despite having ladies as friends in school, church and in places where I work.
Until recently, I didn’t see it as a problem, but when my friends started calling me all sorts of names I began to see it as such. Knowing I would one day get married doesn’t seem enough encouragement for me anymore.
Deep down I know I am not ready as well. Please Agatha, tell me what to do because the issue is sincerely becoming a nightmare for me.
Bode.
Dear Bode,
One important lesson you should learn in life if you hope to succeed is to be your own person at all times. To do it right, you would have to develop the will and tough skin to ignore the opinion of others about you as well as resist the temptation of allowing the behaviour of others around you to change you from your ways.
Once you are able to get through this challenge, you are on your way to success. Your friends have a right to their opinions and ways; you have a right to your life and decisions. You are not them; they are not you. To attempt to be like them is to cause a dislocation in your own destiny and dreams.
If you are not ready to go into any relationship, don’t allow anyone or friends pressurise you into it. The fact that you are not ready to go into any relationship doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Your ability to get on with members of the opposite sex, underscores the fact that you are not adverse to female company. A man who opposed to female company would do everything to completely avoid being close to any woman.
For now, it appears you are not just ready to be more than a friend to a woman. You are contented with your music as well as your spirituality.
Because life is in stages, a time would come when all these things you have crowded into your life would not be enough for you anymore; when you would want from a particular woman more than friendship, when love would come knocking on the door of your heart.
Also there is the issue of one’s time. That your friends are ripe and ready for the fun of relationship doesn’t mean you are. Physically, you may appear to be but may not be ready emotionally. And until you are ready psychologically, you will end up with more heartbreak than you can cope with.
The success of a relationship is not measured by how long but how well. Yes, experience matters so much in life, but it also depends on the kind of experiences your friends are getting in their relationships.
Besides, if you are smart, you could learn a lot about the behaviour and attitude of women from your female friends. Because they are your friends, they won’t hide anything from you, giving you the rare opportunity to observe and study the ways of the average woman closely.
This would no doubt help you in no small way in your relationship when you are ready.
If these friends are beginning to make you very uncomfortable, you have the liberty of avoiding them. Friends come into one’s life to give encouragement, support and ideas. For a partner or friendship to strive, there must be mutual respect and understanding. Once friends begin to manifest a behaviour that suggest they are not ready to respect each other’s feelings, mock in the place of understanding each other’s behaviour, then there is a problem of definition of what that particular friendship stands for.
If others are calling your names behind you, it is the duty of your friends to rally round you even if they agree with your critics secretly. The role of a friend is not to bully but to gently point his friend into the right direction.
Nobody has the right to make your life a nightmare just because you opted to be friends with such persons.
Friendship is optional. Don’t endure a bad friendship for whatsoever reason. And don’t rush into something you know you are not yet prepared for. When your time is ripe, it would happen effortlessly.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Hard telling my osu girl we can’t marry
with Auntie Agatha. email: gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel:08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to start by commending your selfless efforts.
Before I travelled out there was this lady I dated for two years. We were so much in love but problem started when my parents found out about our relationship.
It was easy for them to investigate her because we happen to come from the same town. They found out that her family is Osu.
My mum instantly withdrew her support for the relationship and forbade me from marrying her. I had already discussed my plans with her. Naturally, the whole family backed up my mother.
Since I didn’t believe in such outdated traditions more so because of the emotional pains it has caused so many young men and women from my part of the country, it was very difficult for me to cope.
It’s been very difficult for me to recover from. It has been three years now since that incident. I didn’t have the courage to tell her of my family’s opposition. And since I had to travel almost immediately, it was easy. We have been in touch with each other since I came here.
But since I don’t want to go into a marriage my whole family will not support let alone attending, I want to put an end to her dreams about us spending our lives together. I just want her as a friend. I have tried not to call her so that she can look for someone else but it isn’t working at all because she keeps calling me. Now, she just got admission to the university and needs assistance. She called to inform me about it. I don’t know what to do because if I keep supporting her, she will never be able to get me off her system and I don’t want to disappoint any woman.
Furthermore, I am planning to visit home at the end of this year to explore the possibility of finding another woman I would be able to marry.
Though I met one lady through the Facebook, I seemed to have fallen in love with her. I call her everyday on the phone. Please advise me on both issues if I am doing the right thing or not because I need to be focused now before I fritter all my youthful years dating white women.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
The issue of Osu is something your people are very passionate if not fanatical about. To go against the norm of your people, you must be very strong willed and ready to give up everything to begin an entirely new life with your wife.
Because we all live in a heterogeneous society, one where we would always have one reason to interact with our family members, you have to make up your mind on how far you can go without speaking with your mother especially.
Even though I don’t support cultural apartheid, belief in the rights of everyone, wisdom demands that you should think deeply about the stance of your family. It would take more than love for this marriage to work; it would take absolute dedication, unwavering commitment and sacrifice for you to keep it going because you won’t stop experiencing discrimination from everybody in your community. Your friends too who consider themselves freeborn would along the line hurt you in their attempts to put customs before friendship.
The frustration of being rejected almost by everybody is bound to put a lot of strain on your marriage. Tempers would eventually fly as you especially, struggle with your inner self on the wisdom of you marrying her. If she turns out to be less than perfect, you will never be at peace with yourself.
The bottom line is your strength as a man and from your line of argument; it is obvious that you lack the guts to take on your family and the culture of your people. The fair thing is for you to tell this young lady the whole truth about your relationship, family and your planned future together.
Giving her false hope long after your family has told you to quit the relationship isn’t right. If you had told her three years ago, given her the choice of continuing with you or not, by now she would have made up her mind on what to do.
To delay further is to cause her more pains. Do both of you a big favour by coming out and telling her the truth. Not taking her calls or finding someone else won’t totally wash away the problem created by your cultural values in your relationship with this lady.
Besides, you owe it to this lady you have dated for five years explanation on why you are taking a walk away from it all. It would be cowardly of you to hide under the scent of disagreement you are purposely cooking to end it all. Life doesn’t work that way.
For now, don’t expect her to agree to friendship from you. In a way she would feel betrayed by you if she gets to know that for three years, you have deceived her to stay in a relationship you know is no longer viable to you.
Having made up your mind to be of help to her, assist her with whatever you can afford because the issue here is her education. Chances are if she doesn’t get help, she might drop out or go into habits that you would end up in her destruction. If your assistance is clearly defined, not given because you want to marry her but as a friend who desires her success in life, she won’t misinterpret it.
On the issue of your Facebook girlfriend; look before you leap. If she is from your area, be sure she isn’t considered a social outcast by your culture. Also, be sure you know the person you are falling in love with. Granted, love can happen in unexpected places but sustaining it is the difficult part. It’s unfortunate to fall in love with an image rather than a person, because regrets always follow.
Rather than proclaiming love, first fall in friendship. Get all the information you need about her, her life, family, friends and interests. Create time out to meet in person, discuss and see what the future holds. True love is usually the last to happen. It grows with our knowledge of who the other person is, as the wrappers fall from the package.
This lady is just like a wrapped gift. What you are seeing now is the attraction of the wrapper; to fall in love with a gift wrapper is to trivialise the meaning of love. The substance is in what is inside the wrapper.
Don’t allow the lesson of your first experience go down the drain. Remember that you were once very much in love with your first girlfriend, but it wasn’t enough to protect your relationship from the tyranny of your culture.
There are some behaviours and attitudes worse than the culture you speak of. Who is this woman you are falling in love with? Can you defend her credibility with your eyes closed and your heartbeats at normal rate when an occasion calls for it? This is why you should approach any Internet relationship with caution irrespective of whether it would work or not.
There is also the issue of you wrapping up your outstanding business with your first girlfriend before moving on into something else with another person. Be sure, there is nothing between you and this woman again, that she understands your constraints in this matter.
You should enter into your next relationship with a clear mind.
It would equally pay you if you pray earnestly for God’s direction. The issue of marriage is a lot more serious than most people think.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to start by commending your selfless efforts.
Before I travelled out there was this lady I dated for two years. We were so much in love but problem started when my parents found out about our relationship.
It was easy for them to investigate her because we happen to come from the same town. They found out that her family is Osu.
My mum instantly withdrew her support for the relationship and forbade me from marrying her. I had already discussed my plans with her. Naturally, the whole family backed up my mother.
Since I didn’t believe in such outdated traditions more so because of the emotional pains it has caused so many young men and women from my part of the country, it was very difficult for me to cope.
It’s been very difficult for me to recover from. It has been three years now since that incident. I didn’t have the courage to tell her of my family’s opposition. And since I had to travel almost immediately, it was easy. We have been in touch with each other since I came here.
But since I don’t want to go into a marriage my whole family will not support let alone attending, I want to put an end to her dreams about us spending our lives together. I just want her as a friend. I have tried not to call her so that she can look for someone else but it isn’t working at all because she keeps calling me. Now, she just got admission to the university and needs assistance. She called to inform me about it. I don’t know what to do because if I keep supporting her, she will never be able to get me off her system and I don’t want to disappoint any woman.
Furthermore, I am planning to visit home at the end of this year to explore the possibility of finding another woman I would be able to marry.
Though I met one lady through the Facebook, I seemed to have fallen in love with her. I call her everyday on the phone. Please advise me on both issues if I am doing the right thing or not because I need to be focused now before I fritter all my youthful years dating white women.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
The issue of Osu is something your people are very passionate if not fanatical about. To go against the norm of your people, you must be very strong willed and ready to give up everything to begin an entirely new life with your wife.
Because we all live in a heterogeneous society, one where we would always have one reason to interact with our family members, you have to make up your mind on how far you can go without speaking with your mother especially.
Even though I don’t support cultural apartheid, belief in the rights of everyone, wisdom demands that you should think deeply about the stance of your family. It would take more than love for this marriage to work; it would take absolute dedication, unwavering commitment and sacrifice for you to keep it going because you won’t stop experiencing discrimination from everybody in your community. Your friends too who consider themselves freeborn would along the line hurt you in their attempts to put customs before friendship.
The frustration of being rejected almost by everybody is bound to put a lot of strain on your marriage. Tempers would eventually fly as you especially, struggle with your inner self on the wisdom of you marrying her. If she turns out to be less than perfect, you will never be at peace with yourself.
The bottom line is your strength as a man and from your line of argument; it is obvious that you lack the guts to take on your family and the culture of your people. The fair thing is for you to tell this young lady the whole truth about your relationship, family and your planned future together.
Giving her false hope long after your family has told you to quit the relationship isn’t right. If you had told her three years ago, given her the choice of continuing with you or not, by now she would have made up her mind on what to do.
To delay further is to cause her more pains. Do both of you a big favour by coming out and telling her the truth. Not taking her calls or finding someone else won’t totally wash away the problem created by your cultural values in your relationship with this lady.
Besides, you owe it to this lady you have dated for five years explanation on why you are taking a walk away from it all. It would be cowardly of you to hide under the scent of disagreement you are purposely cooking to end it all. Life doesn’t work that way.
For now, don’t expect her to agree to friendship from you. In a way she would feel betrayed by you if she gets to know that for three years, you have deceived her to stay in a relationship you know is no longer viable to you.
Having made up your mind to be of help to her, assist her with whatever you can afford because the issue here is her education. Chances are if she doesn’t get help, she might drop out or go into habits that you would end up in her destruction. If your assistance is clearly defined, not given because you want to marry her but as a friend who desires her success in life, she won’t misinterpret it.
On the issue of your Facebook girlfriend; look before you leap. If she is from your area, be sure she isn’t considered a social outcast by your culture. Also, be sure you know the person you are falling in love with. Granted, love can happen in unexpected places but sustaining it is the difficult part. It’s unfortunate to fall in love with an image rather than a person, because regrets always follow.
Rather than proclaiming love, first fall in friendship. Get all the information you need about her, her life, family, friends and interests. Create time out to meet in person, discuss and see what the future holds. True love is usually the last to happen. It grows with our knowledge of who the other person is, as the wrappers fall from the package.
This lady is just like a wrapped gift. What you are seeing now is the attraction of the wrapper; to fall in love with a gift wrapper is to trivialise the meaning of love. The substance is in what is inside the wrapper.
Don’t allow the lesson of your first experience go down the drain. Remember that you were once very much in love with your first girlfriend, but it wasn’t enough to protect your relationship from the tyranny of your culture.
There are some behaviours and attitudes worse than the culture you speak of. Who is this woman you are falling in love with? Can you defend her credibility with your eyes closed and your heartbeats at normal rate when an occasion calls for it? This is why you should approach any Internet relationship with caution irrespective of whether it would work or not.
There is also the issue of you wrapping up your outstanding business with your first girlfriend before moving on into something else with another person. Be sure, there is nothing between you and this woman again, that she understands your constraints in this matter.
You should enter into your next relationship with a clear mind.
It would equally pay you if you pray earnestly for God’s direction. The issue of marriage is a lot more serious than most people think.
Good luck.
I want his focus on me alone…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
God’s blessing be upon you for your good work. I am a regular reader of your column and I thank God for His Knowledge and Understanding He has bestowed on you. I really enjoy your good and knowledgeable answers. The more reason I decided to write you.
I am about to go into the higher institution called “marriage”. I love my spouse and he loves me too. I don’t want to lose him to another woman. Please help me with tips on how to keep his eyes on me and me alone.
Worried Mind.
Dear Worried Mind,
A woman, who cares, pampers and respects her husband, will always get his attention and support any day. Even if such a man strays, he would always come back home because no other woman would ever measure up to his wife.
Every man needs a little bit of his mother, friend, favourite sister or auntie, confidant and cheerleader in his wife. This is why it takes more than sex to make a marriage work.
From experience most marriages begin to have problems when the woman refuses to recognise that it takes a lot more than being a wife to make a marriage work. A woman, who restricts herself to the functional role of just being a wife, ends up courting trouble for herself and marriage. For your marriage to work, you must go beyond the limits of a wife. You have to adopt your man as your first child; give him attention even when he appears not to appreciate it.
Ensure he gets his meals on time, he is healthy, has clean clothes to wear, eat well-cooked home made meals, give him a listening ear when he comes home, has a well made and clean bed to sleep on, tell him little stories of how special he makes you; this is a good massage for his ego. Every man, no matter his age and disposition, has an ego that needs massaging. You must devote quality time to ensuring this ego of his get good massage through compliments and humility on your part.
No matter how well positioned you are, how much you earn or how fortunate you get as a woman, learn to be submissive as a wife. It doesn’t take too much effort to get a man to do a woman’s bidding if she knows how to package herself well.
A woman doesn’t have to engage in any fetish practice to get her man eating out of her hands nor does she have to nag or shout to be in control of her home. What a woman cannot get through shouting and nagging her husband, she would get effortlessly through respect and humility.
Before going into this marriage, be sure of what you want and stick to it. Don’t involve friends who would mock your attempts at building a good home. A lot of time, problems come when women listen to jaundiced views of some women who claim equal rights with men. Keep feminism out of your marriage at all cost. Not every man can tolerate a woman challenging or questioning his authority as a man. As a matter of fact, it is one of the reasons men stray. Men usually want to be in charge.
If you want your home to succeed, recognise the leadership of your man. There is no way two captains can effectively man a boat. One has to step down for one to take complete command of the boat. At home, you must step down as the woman for the man to be in control. Even if you are the breadwinner, don’t ever act it. As a matter of fact it is the time for any sensible woman to be more obedient to her man.
Also, you must learn to play the politics of the heart. Before he became your husband, he was son to a woman and brother to other women. You must from the very beginning factor the interests of these women into your marital journey. It would be a miscalculation if you think you have the advantage over him because you are his wife. No matter how difficult your mother-in-law turns out to be, for the sake of your husband be nice to her, at least, for the simple reason that you would one day be in her position. This way you would protect your marriage and husband from the wear and tear that come from you and his mother fighting.
By cultivating the attitude of dialogue, you build into your marriage a gateway of open communication to help your marriage during marital draught. You must at all times be able to get through to your man; it is the only way to earn his trust and confidence to share his thoughts, worries and plans with you.
Learn also to be fashionable, and not fashion crazy. But it pays to look good else he would have an excuse to look elsewhere.
Above all, a wise woman fights her marital battles on her knees. Always put God first in whatever you do.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
God’s blessing be upon you for your good work. I am a regular reader of your column and I thank God for His Knowledge and Understanding He has bestowed on you. I really enjoy your good and knowledgeable answers. The more reason I decided to write you.
I am about to go into the higher institution called “marriage”. I love my spouse and he loves me too. I don’t want to lose him to another woman. Please help me with tips on how to keep his eyes on me and me alone.
Worried Mind.
Dear Worried Mind,
A woman, who cares, pampers and respects her husband, will always get his attention and support any day. Even if such a man strays, he would always come back home because no other woman would ever measure up to his wife.
Every man needs a little bit of his mother, friend, favourite sister or auntie, confidant and cheerleader in his wife. This is why it takes more than sex to make a marriage work.
From experience most marriages begin to have problems when the woman refuses to recognise that it takes a lot more than being a wife to make a marriage work. A woman, who restricts herself to the functional role of just being a wife, ends up courting trouble for herself and marriage. For your marriage to work, you must go beyond the limits of a wife. You have to adopt your man as your first child; give him attention even when he appears not to appreciate it.
Ensure he gets his meals on time, he is healthy, has clean clothes to wear, eat well-cooked home made meals, give him a listening ear when he comes home, has a well made and clean bed to sleep on, tell him little stories of how special he makes you; this is a good massage for his ego. Every man, no matter his age and disposition, has an ego that needs massaging. You must devote quality time to ensuring this ego of his get good massage through compliments and humility on your part.
No matter how well positioned you are, how much you earn or how fortunate you get as a woman, learn to be submissive as a wife. It doesn’t take too much effort to get a man to do a woman’s bidding if she knows how to package herself well.
A woman doesn’t have to engage in any fetish practice to get her man eating out of her hands nor does she have to nag or shout to be in control of her home. What a woman cannot get through shouting and nagging her husband, she would get effortlessly through respect and humility.
Before going into this marriage, be sure of what you want and stick to it. Don’t involve friends who would mock your attempts at building a good home. A lot of time, problems come when women listen to jaundiced views of some women who claim equal rights with men. Keep feminism out of your marriage at all cost. Not every man can tolerate a woman challenging or questioning his authority as a man. As a matter of fact, it is one of the reasons men stray. Men usually want to be in charge.
If you want your home to succeed, recognise the leadership of your man. There is no way two captains can effectively man a boat. One has to step down for one to take complete command of the boat. At home, you must step down as the woman for the man to be in control. Even if you are the breadwinner, don’t ever act it. As a matter of fact it is the time for any sensible woman to be more obedient to her man.
Also, you must learn to play the politics of the heart. Before he became your husband, he was son to a woman and brother to other women. You must from the very beginning factor the interests of these women into your marital journey. It would be a miscalculation if you think you have the advantage over him because you are his wife. No matter how difficult your mother-in-law turns out to be, for the sake of your husband be nice to her, at least, for the simple reason that you would one day be in her position. This way you would protect your marriage and husband from the wear and tear that come from you and his mother fighting.
By cultivating the attitude of dialogue, you build into your marriage a gateway of open communication to help your marriage during marital draught. You must at all times be able to get through to your man; it is the only way to earn his trust and confidence to share his thoughts, worries and plans with you.
Learn also to be fashionable, and not fashion crazy. But it pays to look good else he would have an excuse to look elsewhere.
Above all, a wise woman fights her marital battles on her knees. Always put God first in whatever you do.
Good luck.
My wife has too many male friends
Marriage Clinic
With Agatha EdoEmail:gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
First, I commend you for the time you have devoted to solving problems in some families and relationships through your words of advice and encouragement. Please keep it up. I also want to share my own problems with you before I make a mistake.
I married my wife eight years ago and we are blessed with two children. We have enjoyed peace in our home and never had any serious problems apart from one or two challenges which aren’t too much for our marriage to cope with.
I love my wife so much and I believe she loves me too; though we did not date before we got married.
Now there is one thing she does regularly which irritates me, she is fond of keeping male friends to the extent that she is still in touch with her old boyfriends. She takes their calls any day and any time. If I ask for the identity of the person she is talking to, she would say a friend she recently met on her way to either the market or any place.
She would add that the person knows she is married but doesn’t mind being her friend.
What has pushed me to seek your help is what happened recently. We were in bed around 10:30 p.m. as husband and wife trying to make love when she received a call.
After about 10minutes on the phone, she told me that it was her old boyfriend who called.
At that point, I didn’t say or attempt to do anything again with her. I simply turned my back on her and slept off. Though she has tried to explain to me that there is nothing going on between her and these men, I have advised her many times to stop keeping them but all fell on deaf ears. I am a kind of person that hates to talk too much and my decision now is to divorce her so she can have time to try those her so-called ‘just friends’. Please Agatha help.
Worried Jimoh.
Dear Worried Jimoh,
I appreciate your feelings but what would you prefer? A woman who is very secretive about her friends, who would lie to you about the true identity of those she is speaking with or yours who is very honest?
Divorcing her isn’t a solution to whatever the issue at hand is. You are not the only one involved, you have to consider your children too. Also what would your reason be? That she has male friends? Unlike what many think, divorce isn’t always easy to get. There must be sufficient and convincing grounds before any court or system allows it to fall through.
Her only offence is in the nature of her person. She is one of those people who believe in friendship irrespective of gender and the implications of having so many friends in one’s life. There are some women who prefer the friendship of the opposite sex more than their own gender. Sometimes this preference comes from very bitter experiences or the kind of homes and environments they grew up in.
If she grew up among brothers and male cousins or a neighbourhood dominated by boys, it follows that most of her friends would be members of the opposite sex.
She may, like most serious-minded women, find female company boring and less motivating. These kinds of women find male company challenging and inspiring to their dreams and visions.
That she is telling you without hesitation points at a heart of sincerity and openness. It removes suspicion from the kind of friendship she wants from these people. If she is promiscuous, she won’t come back home to give you clues to the identity of the persons she has relationships with.
The problem with your marriage clearly is not that of infidelity but of you both having a perfect understanding into your different nature. You must both sit down to first discuss your lives before you met and married to give each other a clear picture of where you are coming from before discussing the issue of your togetherness as a couple.
You are having this major problem because you skipped the important stage of dating. Had you gone through the process of dating, you would have noticed this side of her before now. By now, you would have long sorted out the problem. It is never too late to make amends. What you both need is determination as well as sincerity in balancing your nature and individualities. You must accept the fact that she cannot totally change overnight or stop her from keeping a little part of who she is. To attempt to completely conquer her is to change the nature of the person you married.
This is often where the complications in many failed and troubled marriages begin. Being married doesn’t mean a man or woman must change from being the person the spouse fell in love with to what the husband or the wife wants him or her to be.
The word ‘marriage’ draws its strength from being able to manage and tolerate each other’s weaknesses and strengths.
What you should do as the head of the house is not to fight her over these other people she has crowded into her life. That she is willing to keep them as friends means you are not doing enough in that department. You must strive to make yourself her best friend; let her earn your confidence to tell or discuss whatever her fears, problems and joys are with you.
It is only when you have positioned yourself in her life as a trusted friend and confidant that you can demand changes from her. To do this well, you must be able to use all the power of communication effectively. Communication is a powerful tool to the success of every marriage. It goes beyond exchanging pleasantries or conversing; it is a total package that involves all the sense organs God blessed humans with. This is the integration of the body, spirit and soul. Communication is when a partner can tell what the other is thinking or the message he or she is trying to pass on without words.
For her kind of person, it is essential you get to know who her friends are; both the ones in the past and the ones she is just meeting. Observing them together would give you a clue into her person as well as ideas of improving on your own relationship with her. Seeing her talk with her friends would point you to what is missing in your relationship with her.
This would be especially helpful if this habit has been formed from her childhood. Refusing to permit her to associate with these friends totally would be like denying her of everything she has always believed in as well as deleting the totality of her person.
The sacrifices you are willing to put into making her happy is what would make her change willingly. There is no sane woman who would put her marriage on the line for whatever reason especially if the man is trying so hard to make her see reasons without violence.
One thing is certain, she would learn to respect you the more for even trying to make her happy. For the simple reason of wanting you to be happy, she would without any resistance give up her friends. By measuring her happiness, you give her confidence to lean on you completely and make you the centre of her world.
That you have been married for eight years doesn’t mean you know everything there is to know about her. Both of you must make the resolve to learn more of each other everyday God gives you.
However, when it comes to the issue of these friends interfering with your intimacy, put your feet down by insisting that it is your time and as such you won’t have her allowing her friends whether old or new meddle; that you don’t have anything against them calling her during the day but when you are around or with her, she should give you your respect.
Ask her how she would feel if you are the one receiving calls at prime time from female friends or an ex-girlfriend? Without you adding another word, it would communicate your feelings to her.
Above all, learn to commit your marriage to the hands of God. He takes care of His own.
Good luck.
With Agatha EdoEmail:gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
First, I commend you for the time you have devoted to solving problems in some families and relationships through your words of advice and encouragement. Please keep it up. I also want to share my own problems with you before I make a mistake.
I married my wife eight years ago and we are blessed with two children. We have enjoyed peace in our home and never had any serious problems apart from one or two challenges which aren’t too much for our marriage to cope with.
I love my wife so much and I believe she loves me too; though we did not date before we got married.
Now there is one thing she does regularly which irritates me, she is fond of keeping male friends to the extent that she is still in touch with her old boyfriends. She takes their calls any day and any time. If I ask for the identity of the person she is talking to, she would say a friend she recently met on her way to either the market or any place.
She would add that the person knows she is married but doesn’t mind being her friend.
What has pushed me to seek your help is what happened recently. We were in bed around 10:30 p.m. as husband and wife trying to make love when she received a call.
After about 10minutes on the phone, she told me that it was her old boyfriend who called.
At that point, I didn’t say or attempt to do anything again with her. I simply turned my back on her and slept off. Though she has tried to explain to me that there is nothing going on between her and these men, I have advised her many times to stop keeping them but all fell on deaf ears. I am a kind of person that hates to talk too much and my decision now is to divorce her so she can have time to try those her so-called ‘just friends’. Please Agatha help.
Worried Jimoh.
Dear Worried Jimoh,
I appreciate your feelings but what would you prefer? A woman who is very secretive about her friends, who would lie to you about the true identity of those she is speaking with or yours who is very honest?
Divorcing her isn’t a solution to whatever the issue at hand is. You are not the only one involved, you have to consider your children too. Also what would your reason be? That she has male friends? Unlike what many think, divorce isn’t always easy to get. There must be sufficient and convincing grounds before any court or system allows it to fall through.
Her only offence is in the nature of her person. She is one of those people who believe in friendship irrespective of gender and the implications of having so many friends in one’s life. There are some women who prefer the friendship of the opposite sex more than their own gender. Sometimes this preference comes from very bitter experiences or the kind of homes and environments they grew up in.
If she grew up among brothers and male cousins or a neighbourhood dominated by boys, it follows that most of her friends would be members of the opposite sex.
She may, like most serious-minded women, find female company boring and less motivating. These kinds of women find male company challenging and inspiring to their dreams and visions.
That she is telling you without hesitation points at a heart of sincerity and openness. It removes suspicion from the kind of friendship she wants from these people. If she is promiscuous, she won’t come back home to give you clues to the identity of the persons she has relationships with.
The problem with your marriage clearly is not that of infidelity but of you both having a perfect understanding into your different nature. You must both sit down to first discuss your lives before you met and married to give each other a clear picture of where you are coming from before discussing the issue of your togetherness as a couple.
You are having this major problem because you skipped the important stage of dating. Had you gone through the process of dating, you would have noticed this side of her before now. By now, you would have long sorted out the problem. It is never too late to make amends. What you both need is determination as well as sincerity in balancing your nature and individualities. You must accept the fact that she cannot totally change overnight or stop her from keeping a little part of who she is. To attempt to completely conquer her is to change the nature of the person you married.
This is often where the complications in many failed and troubled marriages begin. Being married doesn’t mean a man or woman must change from being the person the spouse fell in love with to what the husband or the wife wants him or her to be.
The word ‘marriage’ draws its strength from being able to manage and tolerate each other’s weaknesses and strengths.
What you should do as the head of the house is not to fight her over these other people she has crowded into her life. That she is willing to keep them as friends means you are not doing enough in that department. You must strive to make yourself her best friend; let her earn your confidence to tell or discuss whatever her fears, problems and joys are with you.
It is only when you have positioned yourself in her life as a trusted friend and confidant that you can demand changes from her. To do this well, you must be able to use all the power of communication effectively. Communication is a powerful tool to the success of every marriage. It goes beyond exchanging pleasantries or conversing; it is a total package that involves all the sense organs God blessed humans with. This is the integration of the body, spirit and soul. Communication is when a partner can tell what the other is thinking or the message he or she is trying to pass on without words.
For her kind of person, it is essential you get to know who her friends are; both the ones in the past and the ones she is just meeting. Observing them together would give you a clue into her person as well as ideas of improving on your own relationship with her. Seeing her talk with her friends would point you to what is missing in your relationship with her.
This would be especially helpful if this habit has been formed from her childhood. Refusing to permit her to associate with these friends totally would be like denying her of everything she has always believed in as well as deleting the totality of her person.
The sacrifices you are willing to put into making her happy is what would make her change willingly. There is no sane woman who would put her marriage on the line for whatever reason especially if the man is trying so hard to make her see reasons without violence.
One thing is certain, she would learn to respect you the more for even trying to make her happy. For the simple reason of wanting you to be happy, she would without any resistance give up her friends. By measuring her happiness, you give her confidence to lean on you completely and make you the centre of her world.
That you have been married for eight years doesn’t mean you know everything there is to know about her. Both of you must make the resolve to learn more of each other everyday God gives you.
However, when it comes to the issue of these friends interfering with your intimacy, put your feet down by insisting that it is your time and as such you won’t have her allowing her friends whether old or new meddle; that you don’t have anything against them calling her during the day but when you are around or with her, she should give you your respect.
Ask her how she would feel if you are the one receiving calls at prime time from female friends or an ex-girlfriend? Without you adding another word, it would communicate your feelings to her.
Above all, learn to commit your marriage to the hands of God. He takes care of His own.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I love her but she double dates…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a serious challenge with my relationship that has lasted for almost six years now. I started this relationship when I was running my Higher National Diploma programme in 2005. I love and trust her too much because of her understanding. During this period we shared so much love and promised not to cheat on each other.
However, I started noticing changes when I went for National Youth Service Corps (NYSC). I was posted to a village where there was no network. I have to travel every week to a nearby town to call her. At times she would answer her calls and at other times, she would simply ignore them. Severally I have to make the journey the following day to get her. She would always give the excuse of being in class at the time I called. I didn’t think anything was wrong until I finished serving when she introduced her course mate to me. The lady lives with her younger brother in the same room.
She told me the boy is a pastor and I became friends with all of them.
Since I was around, it was easy for me to visit her regularly. There was this day I was trying to get her on the phone, and it kept ringing. When she didn’t answer it, I decided to visit her. I was surprised to see my girlfriend with her friend’s younger brother indoors alone.
I left without confronting her. She called later to apologise and assure me that nothing is going on between them. I wasn’t convinced so I decided to investigate by asking questions from people around her. It was then I discovered that the boy at times sleeps overnight in her room. Armed with this information, I asked her again to explain the nature of relationship between her and this boy. She again denied anything between them.
When I now confronted her with the information I have, she eventually agreed that she has something going with the guy.
She broke down begging for my forgiveness. I was prevailed upon to forgive her since she has admitted her mistake. Though it was difficult because I have been so loyal to her but I eventually agreed to let go of the memories and we became as good as new.
Although she promised to be good when she left for her NYSC programme, I noticed changes in her attitude again when a guy who worked in one of the constructions companies rented a place beside their command. I got calls that my woman would stay late in the guy’s place, cooking his food and washing his clothes. When I called to demand explanations, she assured me he was just a friend.
When I called to demand for the guy’s number, she gave me a number that didn’t go through.
When she came back from her service, I formally gave her an engagement ring. After this she told me she was going back to the north that her school said they should be with them for some time while they pay them a stipend every month. I tried to stop her but she insisted, as it was better than nothing.
I could not reach her for four days last week so had to go through her only friend I know. It was this friend who told me she was living at the boy’s house. I was told that the boy left everything for her when he was leaving town.
Again I confronted her when I finally got her on the phone. She said she was afraid to tell me where she was staying since I would jump to the conclusions that she and the boy were dating.
She promised to come home to explain things to me. Last week she called me to inform me of her mother’s intention to see me coupled with her desires for us to commence marriage plans.
I really want you to tell me what to do, as it is now I sent her a text that I have quit the relationship, but she will not let me be. Do you think I should allow her into my house after all these pains and hurts she has caused me?
Do you think I should go on with this relationship? If I must be sincere with you, I love this girl so much that I cannot do anything as I am talking to you now. My body and mind is so heavy that I can’t imagine what is happening to me.
I have done enough to see that she gets a job, all advert that suit her credentials I do not hesitate to apply for her. I even ask her to scan her credential for me, but she hasn’t done it till date.
Emmanuel.
Dear Emmanuel,
The most important ingredient in marriage is love. The fact that you love her in spite of all that she has done to you shows that you have the strength to pull your relationship through from this pit of temptation.
It is always so hard for the faithful partner to understand why the other partner is putting the relationship through needless pains. From where you stand, you can’t understand why she keeps drifting to other men when you have given her everything, done everything for her and shown her how much you care.
Sincerely, it is always so hard to comprehend why anyone would choose to hurt his or her partner by dating others. Honestly, it would require more than love to go ahead with her. It would demand absolute friendship for you to continue with her.
You will also require a lot of deep thinking. You must answer the question of your ability to cope with her, especially on those occasions when you have to travel out of your location, consider the issue of trust as well as the peace of mind to keep your marriage happy.
If you are the extremely jealous type, do you see yourself allowing her to work after your marriage? Do you have the confidence in her that she would eventually change to be the kind of woman you want and love? Is your heart large enough to forgive her anything? What would be your limit, that which you cannot forgive should it happen?
Granted that even the best of us can misbehave in certain situations since life itself doesn’t offer guarantees, but knowing the nature of the woman you are about to wed makes it important for you to prepare yourself psychologically as well mentally. It would be unfortunate if you at the end start expressing regrets at whatever actions you take because unlike others you can’t plead ignorance.
If you love her enough to marry her, then you must be prepared to make huge sacrifices for the sustenance of this relationship, at least, until it stabilises.
From your experiences with this woman, distance is her problem. She finds it difficult to remain faithful when you are away from each other. From your letter all the times she has been unfaithful are the times you lived apart.
Therefore, one of the hurdles is to ensure you both do not have reasons to stay away from each other for long. If you must travel for a long time, you must be prepared to either take her along if you can or ensure you exchange visits regularly.
Also, you must be prepared to table the matter of her unfaithfulness with her. The time has come for you to ask very direct questions concerning your relationship as well as her current thoughts about your person. The fact that she has done it twice points at something wrong in your relationship. Refuse to be stampeded into marriage until you know why she is always flirting with other men. You must know what she finds uncomfortable about you and the relationship. It is only then you would know what kinds of solutions to work out.
Before anything else, demand to see her to enable both of you to dialogue as a couple before going to see her mother. You have to be certain of what you are going into while she has to be sure, she still feels the same way about you as she did when you both started. She may think you are right for her now but what about later? If you are sufficient for her, why is she always straying? Insist there is no way you can go to see her mother with you having all these doubts about her fidelity to you.
Because you love her so much, there is the tendency of you once you go to see her mother first sweeping the important issues of your relationship under the carpet. Any dirt swept under the carpet often becomes huge problem later in life. Don’t be afraid to face your future with all the determination it needs.
One thing is to be in love another thing is to ensure the person one is in love with would bring peace and rest of mind into one’s life. It isn’t the now that is important but the tomorrows.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have a serious challenge with my relationship that has lasted for almost six years now. I started this relationship when I was running my Higher National Diploma programme in 2005. I love and trust her too much because of her understanding. During this period we shared so much love and promised not to cheat on each other.
However, I started noticing changes when I went for National Youth Service Corps (NYSC). I was posted to a village where there was no network. I have to travel every week to a nearby town to call her. At times she would answer her calls and at other times, she would simply ignore them. Severally I have to make the journey the following day to get her. She would always give the excuse of being in class at the time I called. I didn’t think anything was wrong until I finished serving when she introduced her course mate to me. The lady lives with her younger brother in the same room.
She told me the boy is a pastor and I became friends with all of them.
Since I was around, it was easy for me to visit her regularly. There was this day I was trying to get her on the phone, and it kept ringing. When she didn’t answer it, I decided to visit her. I was surprised to see my girlfriend with her friend’s younger brother indoors alone.
I left without confronting her. She called later to apologise and assure me that nothing is going on between them. I wasn’t convinced so I decided to investigate by asking questions from people around her. It was then I discovered that the boy at times sleeps overnight in her room. Armed with this information, I asked her again to explain the nature of relationship between her and this boy. She again denied anything between them.
When I now confronted her with the information I have, she eventually agreed that she has something going with the guy.
She broke down begging for my forgiveness. I was prevailed upon to forgive her since she has admitted her mistake. Though it was difficult because I have been so loyal to her but I eventually agreed to let go of the memories and we became as good as new.
Although she promised to be good when she left for her NYSC programme, I noticed changes in her attitude again when a guy who worked in one of the constructions companies rented a place beside their command. I got calls that my woman would stay late in the guy’s place, cooking his food and washing his clothes. When I called to demand explanations, she assured me he was just a friend.
When I called to demand for the guy’s number, she gave me a number that didn’t go through.
When she came back from her service, I formally gave her an engagement ring. After this she told me she was going back to the north that her school said they should be with them for some time while they pay them a stipend every month. I tried to stop her but she insisted, as it was better than nothing.
I could not reach her for four days last week so had to go through her only friend I know. It was this friend who told me she was living at the boy’s house. I was told that the boy left everything for her when he was leaving town.
Again I confronted her when I finally got her on the phone. She said she was afraid to tell me where she was staying since I would jump to the conclusions that she and the boy were dating.
She promised to come home to explain things to me. Last week she called me to inform me of her mother’s intention to see me coupled with her desires for us to commence marriage plans.
I really want you to tell me what to do, as it is now I sent her a text that I have quit the relationship, but she will not let me be. Do you think I should allow her into my house after all these pains and hurts she has caused me?
Do you think I should go on with this relationship? If I must be sincere with you, I love this girl so much that I cannot do anything as I am talking to you now. My body and mind is so heavy that I can’t imagine what is happening to me.
I have done enough to see that she gets a job, all advert that suit her credentials I do not hesitate to apply for her. I even ask her to scan her credential for me, but she hasn’t done it till date.
Emmanuel.
Dear Emmanuel,
The most important ingredient in marriage is love. The fact that you love her in spite of all that she has done to you shows that you have the strength to pull your relationship through from this pit of temptation.
It is always so hard for the faithful partner to understand why the other partner is putting the relationship through needless pains. From where you stand, you can’t understand why she keeps drifting to other men when you have given her everything, done everything for her and shown her how much you care.
Sincerely, it is always so hard to comprehend why anyone would choose to hurt his or her partner by dating others. Honestly, it would require more than love to go ahead with her. It would demand absolute friendship for you to continue with her.
You will also require a lot of deep thinking. You must answer the question of your ability to cope with her, especially on those occasions when you have to travel out of your location, consider the issue of trust as well as the peace of mind to keep your marriage happy.
If you are the extremely jealous type, do you see yourself allowing her to work after your marriage? Do you have the confidence in her that she would eventually change to be the kind of woman you want and love? Is your heart large enough to forgive her anything? What would be your limit, that which you cannot forgive should it happen?
Granted that even the best of us can misbehave in certain situations since life itself doesn’t offer guarantees, but knowing the nature of the woman you are about to wed makes it important for you to prepare yourself psychologically as well mentally. It would be unfortunate if you at the end start expressing regrets at whatever actions you take because unlike others you can’t plead ignorance.
If you love her enough to marry her, then you must be prepared to make huge sacrifices for the sustenance of this relationship, at least, until it stabilises.
From your experiences with this woman, distance is her problem. She finds it difficult to remain faithful when you are away from each other. From your letter all the times she has been unfaithful are the times you lived apart.
Therefore, one of the hurdles is to ensure you both do not have reasons to stay away from each other for long. If you must travel for a long time, you must be prepared to either take her along if you can or ensure you exchange visits regularly.
Also, you must be prepared to table the matter of her unfaithfulness with her. The time has come for you to ask very direct questions concerning your relationship as well as her current thoughts about your person. The fact that she has done it twice points at something wrong in your relationship. Refuse to be stampeded into marriage until you know why she is always flirting with other men. You must know what she finds uncomfortable about you and the relationship. It is only then you would know what kinds of solutions to work out.
Before anything else, demand to see her to enable both of you to dialogue as a couple before going to see her mother. You have to be certain of what you are going into while she has to be sure, she still feels the same way about you as she did when you both started. She may think you are right for her now but what about later? If you are sufficient for her, why is she always straying? Insist there is no way you can go to see her mother with you having all these doubts about her fidelity to you.
Because you love her so much, there is the tendency of you once you go to see her mother first sweeping the important issues of your relationship under the carpet. Any dirt swept under the carpet often becomes huge problem later in life. Don’t be afraid to face your future with all the determination it needs.
One thing is to be in love another thing is to ensure the person one is in love with would bring peace and rest of mind into one’s life. It isn’t the now that is important but the tomorrows.
Good luck.
I hate marriage with passion
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How does one solve this problem? I hate marriage. I was married once, but now divorced. Even before that marriage, I hated marriage. I can’t stop wondering why people are dying to get married in the first place. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t go out of my way to advise people otherwise. But what is wrong with being single? I am fed up with marriage suggestions from friends and family members. How do I tell them that I sincerely hate marriage? Please no preaching or reference to Bible. I am 45 and well educated and read. Bobo.
Dear Bobo,
Sincerely, there is nothing wrong in being single as long as one can cope with the loneliness as the years roll by. The choice to marry or not is an individual thing. It is your life and you know what suits you the most. Friends and family members who appear to be intruding on your privacy by their marriage advocacy are only concerned about you, because a time would come when you would no longer be as active as you are and will be in need of someone to help you carry on when the days are dark, grey and the shadows of loneliness amplified. This is the essence people get married, to have someone to talk to, to be one’s eyes and hands when ill health comes, when the bones are too weary to obey simple commands, someone of your own who unlike paid helps would show personal commitment to the issue of one’s welfare. However, this is not to dismiss your feelings. Obviously something must have happened in your past, could be an incident right back to your very tender years which you may have forgotten but has deeply affected your psychology concerning one of life’s natural processes. Whatever your experiences are, you need to understand that life isn’t always what it seems. There is always a flipside to an issue. Today, you are still young, strong and able to do everything you wish but remember that age withers and that no amount of money can ameliorate happiness and peace that come from knowing come what may that there is someone to pick up one’s pieces. This has nothing to do with sex as many erroneously believe, as the age piles up, marriage gradually shifts from physical benefits to companionship and friendship. These are what give warmth to the soul and spirit. This is the reason people marry. If it is just for the sexual intimacy, this can be gotten almost free in the open market. The human being is wired to share his or her space at maturity. It isn’t just what the society expects but what God programmed us to be. Marriage also provides a very good platform for training. No matter what your field of specialty is as a man, if not exposed to the dynamism of the female specie full time, such a man would never be considered for certain managerial positions. Any man who hasn’t been able to manage a woman full time isn’t always though good enough to handle some sensitive positions. This is because a man who can live with a woman, tolerate the human being God created her to be, can almost put up whatever challenges he comes across in his official assignment. A woman is the greatest challenge and puzzle for any man to manage and resolve. Marriage isn’t just another institution but one that schools and prepares the man for greater challenges in life. This is another reason a lot of men, who ordinarily wouldn’t have dared or wanted it are today in it. Its fringe benefits are such that it cannot be quantified. As a man you aren’t built for certain chores. Even if you find cooking fun, house cleaning easy, these are the natural domains of a woman. Try to imagine yourself at 70 on the day your paid staff goes on holiday and the lady in your life refuses to play nurse maid, you feel like eating a particular dish and have nobody to cook it for you? Granted if you have reservations about marriage given the attitudes of some women to marriage but the fact remains in years to come you would come to realise that life is a stage and every stage adds its value to whomever we end up being. Like I said, it is your ultimate choice. You are too old man to be forced into a situation you don’t want in your life. Let your friends and family know that you are one of those persons who cannot withstand for too long people sharing their space. You are not alone. There are people who indeed are not comfortable with marriage. But learn to have an opened mind about it. You may be surprised to find out how much you have been missing when you find the right person. The problem might be that you haven’t found the right woman. Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
How does one solve this problem? I hate marriage. I was married once, but now divorced. Even before that marriage, I hated marriage. I can’t stop wondering why people are dying to get married in the first place. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t go out of my way to advise people otherwise. But what is wrong with being single? I am fed up with marriage suggestions from friends and family members. How do I tell them that I sincerely hate marriage? Please no preaching or reference to Bible. I am 45 and well educated and read. Bobo.
Dear Bobo,
Sincerely, there is nothing wrong in being single as long as one can cope with the loneliness as the years roll by. The choice to marry or not is an individual thing. It is your life and you know what suits you the most. Friends and family members who appear to be intruding on your privacy by their marriage advocacy are only concerned about you, because a time would come when you would no longer be as active as you are and will be in need of someone to help you carry on when the days are dark, grey and the shadows of loneliness amplified. This is the essence people get married, to have someone to talk to, to be one’s eyes and hands when ill health comes, when the bones are too weary to obey simple commands, someone of your own who unlike paid helps would show personal commitment to the issue of one’s welfare. However, this is not to dismiss your feelings. Obviously something must have happened in your past, could be an incident right back to your very tender years which you may have forgotten but has deeply affected your psychology concerning one of life’s natural processes. Whatever your experiences are, you need to understand that life isn’t always what it seems. There is always a flipside to an issue. Today, you are still young, strong and able to do everything you wish but remember that age withers and that no amount of money can ameliorate happiness and peace that come from knowing come what may that there is someone to pick up one’s pieces. This has nothing to do with sex as many erroneously believe, as the age piles up, marriage gradually shifts from physical benefits to companionship and friendship. These are what give warmth to the soul and spirit. This is the reason people marry. If it is just for the sexual intimacy, this can be gotten almost free in the open market. The human being is wired to share his or her space at maturity. It isn’t just what the society expects but what God programmed us to be. Marriage also provides a very good platform for training. No matter what your field of specialty is as a man, if not exposed to the dynamism of the female specie full time, such a man would never be considered for certain managerial positions. Any man who hasn’t been able to manage a woman full time isn’t always though good enough to handle some sensitive positions. This is because a man who can live with a woman, tolerate the human being God created her to be, can almost put up whatever challenges he comes across in his official assignment. A woman is the greatest challenge and puzzle for any man to manage and resolve. Marriage isn’t just another institution but one that schools and prepares the man for greater challenges in life. This is another reason a lot of men, who ordinarily wouldn’t have dared or wanted it are today in it. Its fringe benefits are such that it cannot be quantified. As a man you aren’t built for certain chores. Even if you find cooking fun, house cleaning easy, these are the natural domains of a woman. Try to imagine yourself at 70 on the day your paid staff goes on holiday and the lady in your life refuses to play nurse maid, you feel like eating a particular dish and have nobody to cook it for you? Granted if you have reservations about marriage given the attitudes of some women to marriage but the fact remains in years to come you would come to realise that life is a stage and every stage adds its value to whomever we end up being. Like I said, it is your ultimate choice. You are too old man to be forced into a situation you don’t want in your life. Let your friends and family know that you are one of those persons who cannot withstand for too long people sharing their space. You are not alone. There are people who indeed are not comfortable with marriage. But learn to have an opened mind about it. You may be surprised to find out how much you have been missing when you find the right person. The problem might be that you haven’t found the right woman. Good luck.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
His rash habit got us separated…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com,agatha.edo@gmail.comTel:08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to praise you for the guidance and direction you have been given to so many women. I always marvel at how you can offer solutions to marital problems that seemed gone too bad beyond repair. May God continue to bless you with wisdom and courage to speak the truth.
I have a burden that needs an objective view from someone who doesn’t know me.
My marriage has been so rocky from the start. We had a short courtship and had to get married quickly because I got pregnant. I tried to make the best of the union by supporting my husband in every way, showing him love and respect. Unfortunately, I lost out in the gamble of marriage, as I never really knew whom I married. It was less than a month after we married before my husband confessed that he was not a graduate and had no paper qualifications. I was shocked and never really got over the deception. I tried to find other ways he could play his role as a man by starting a business for him. Again, he seemed unable to discipline himself to focus on the business. A lot of money would be diverted into drinking, smoking marijuana, partying, and what have you. I had to become the person providing funds for the running of the home.
I was too ashamed to confide in my family members because they never supported the marriage. I tried to make the best of it by focusing on his good qualities. He helps around the house because he is not working and looks after our baby girl, unlike many Nigerian men. What destroyed our relationship aside from his lifestyle was his penchant for cheating. It’s shocking that some of the women are old and married. I later found out that he dates old women, prostitutes and every other girl in the neighbourhood.
When confronted him with evidences, he denies and practically lies about everything in life. Despite my attempts to ignore his excesses he shows no sign of guilt and the affairs are getting worse. So many times, I have had to confront him over text messages and phone calls from these women who call at very odd hours. One of the old women even has a pet name for him. Whenever I confront him, we end up quarrelling and he would disappear for a day or two. Often he comes back home drunk and very high.
If I keep quiet, he pretends all is well while he continues to lie to my face. He has added beating to my problems with him. My family got to know what was really going on in my home. They intervened and removed me from the house and we are now living apart. I am taking care of my daughter without any help from him.
Well, since I left I feel as if a burden has been lifted off my chest. My self-esteem has grown. Financially, I am more buoyant and can keep money aside from fending for my daughter. Now, I have other men showing interest in me and I realised I settled for less when I married him. I have not been in contact with him and though he sends people to beg me, my mind is made up. He claims that he has repented and he is a new man but I don’t believe men change, except with the help of God. He also sends threatening text messages. The final step is to formally go our separate ways, but I keep on having this little thought in the midnight that I should listen to him and try to mend fences, for the sake of our child, and I should also get his life on track. But then, I can’t go back to his house because of the beatings and his bad lifestyle. I also don’t know if he is ready to change. I’m really confused and don’t know if I should leave the marriage completely?
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
In the first place, there is no marriage without problems. Every marriage comes with its cross and lists of don’ts and dos. Like life, marriage is complex and very slippery. It is also very fragile, requiring tenderness to hold it together. If too much pressure is applied it would break into billions of irredeemable pieces; and if less pressure is applied it would demobilise it as well. The solution is usually in the way the individuals in it respond to issues.
It requires a lot of wisdom, tolerance, sacrifices and understanding to blend two strangers into one. This is never done, it takes forever for two people to really become one.
When issues become this complex, the only way out is to face reality with all the honesty it deserves. Doubtless given all you have said about your husband, you have every right to be angry, disillusioned and weary of the marriage. But is he really the only one to be blamed for what your marriage became?
No matter how short the courtship was, if you were well focused and knew what you actually wanted, you would have noticed that he is hooked on marijuana. This is one habit addicts cannot conceal at all. You also would have noticed from the looks other women were giving you; that he has more than passing interest in these women. There is no way a true Casanova can hide his nature even if it is for one day. Also you must have noticed that he wasn’t involved in anything from the time he spent with you or had to toy around with.
Even if a man is unemployed, you can always tell the serious ones from the unserious ones from the struggles they put into their lives.
Your fault is being unable to read and decode the message accurately. You were perhaps too blinded by what you wanted; the sex and fun than what was happening around you. Had you applied your attention to studying a little you would have discovered just enough to know what to expect from marriage to him. Your family saw through him, hence their objection to your marrying him.
It is also obvious that your marriage to him wasn’t planned. You got married to him because you were pregnant and not because you both planned it. One thing is to plan a marriage with someone you really love; another is to marry out of circumstances.
However having said all these and discovered who he really is, do you think you can ever come to love him the way you should love your husband? Do you think you have what it takes to endure the challenges of being married to him? Will you ever have the patience and understanding required to continue to give him selfless support?
Also do you think you can endure sharing him with all the other women in his life? Can you completely forgive all he has done as well as yourself for this mistake your marriage appears to be?
Sincerely, you are at the juncture of telling yourself some basic truths. This time, you don’t have the excuse of not knowing what you are going in to will give; you must make the decision with all clarity of mind knowing you won’t have any reason not to make it work this time around.
Men would always come but that should not be your immediate concern now. You would be unfair to yourself and your child if you don’t first mob up the attendant mess your marriage has thrown up before going into another serious relationship with another man. The worst mistake of your life would be to look back on this moment and wish you didn’t make a hasty decision. Your resolution must be such you would always be happy with no matter what life throws at you as your progress in life.
Until you wrap this up, delay any interest you have in other men. You must also know that life provides no one guarantees whatsoever. The next man could appear responsible now but turn out to be worse than your present man.
To do a good job, continue to concentrate on his good point else the bitterness of your experience would obliterate whatever pleasant memories you have of him or the reason you agreed to date him among all the other men that demanded for your attention.
The presence of that child in your lives makes it impossible for both of you to completely avoid each other. You won’t know if he has changed without giving him a chance to show or say how much change has happened in his life.
Also you won’t know if you still have feelings for him if you don’t see him. It is your life, nobody can force you into doing something you don’t want to, but it is important that you also don’t cage yourself into a box of regrets and unhappiness because you are in a hurry to be free.
You are at liberty to do whatever you like after listening to him. Give him an appointment at an opened place. While there, insist on the conditions you would come back to him. It is important you discuss the matter of his addiction to drugs, his engagement as the man of the house as well as his interests in women. Also make it clear that if he lays his fingers on you again you would be forced to leave him, love or no love.
His response to your conditions would tell you if he is willing to change or not. And in considering him, don’t expect too much from him at once. Of all his vices, you must know the one you desperately want him to change from. Begin with that and gradually work your way to the rest; change comes from one tiny important step.
Involve your family as well as his in whatever decision you make from now. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can handle these kinds of challenges on your own. If you are going back to him, he must agree before the entire family the kind of work or business he is good at and if you are going to fund it, the management of the place must be left with you for the time being to forestall the incident of the past.
Above all, you must be very prayerful. It is never too late to invite God to take charge of your affairs. This is the most important step for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to praise you for the guidance and direction you have been given to so many women. I always marvel at how you can offer solutions to marital problems that seemed gone too bad beyond repair. May God continue to bless you with wisdom and courage to speak the truth.
I have a burden that needs an objective view from someone who doesn’t know me.
My marriage has been so rocky from the start. We had a short courtship and had to get married quickly because I got pregnant. I tried to make the best of the union by supporting my husband in every way, showing him love and respect. Unfortunately, I lost out in the gamble of marriage, as I never really knew whom I married. It was less than a month after we married before my husband confessed that he was not a graduate and had no paper qualifications. I was shocked and never really got over the deception. I tried to find other ways he could play his role as a man by starting a business for him. Again, he seemed unable to discipline himself to focus on the business. A lot of money would be diverted into drinking, smoking marijuana, partying, and what have you. I had to become the person providing funds for the running of the home.
I was too ashamed to confide in my family members because they never supported the marriage. I tried to make the best of it by focusing on his good qualities. He helps around the house because he is not working and looks after our baby girl, unlike many Nigerian men. What destroyed our relationship aside from his lifestyle was his penchant for cheating. It’s shocking that some of the women are old and married. I later found out that he dates old women, prostitutes and every other girl in the neighbourhood.
When confronted him with evidences, he denies and practically lies about everything in life. Despite my attempts to ignore his excesses he shows no sign of guilt and the affairs are getting worse. So many times, I have had to confront him over text messages and phone calls from these women who call at very odd hours. One of the old women even has a pet name for him. Whenever I confront him, we end up quarrelling and he would disappear for a day or two. Often he comes back home drunk and very high.
If I keep quiet, he pretends all is well while he continues to lie to my face. He has added beating to my problems with him. My family got to know what was really going on in my home. They intervened and removed me from the house and we are now living apart. I am taking care of my daughter without any help from him.
Well, since I left I feel as if a burden has been lifted off my chest. My self-esteem has grown. Financially, I am more buoyant and can keep money aside from fending for my daughter. Now, I have other men showing interest in me and I realised I settled for less when I married him. I have not been in contact with him and though he sends people to beg me, my mind is made up. He claims that he has repented and he is a new man but I don’t believe men change, except with the help of God. He also sends threatening text messages. The final step is to formally go our separate ways, but I keep on having this little thought in the midnight that I should listen to him and try to mend fences, for the sake of our child, and I should also get his life on track. But then, I can’t go back to his house because of the beatings and his bad lifestyle. I also don’t know if he is ready to change. I’m really confused and don’t know if I should leave the marriage completely?
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
In the first place, there is no marriage without problems. Every marriage comes with its cross and lists of don’ts and dos. Like life, marriage is complex and very slippery. It is also very fragile, requiring tenderness to hold it together. If too much pressure is applied it would break into billions of irredeemable pieces; and if less pressure is applied it would demobilise it as well. The solution is usually in the way the individuals in it respond to issues.
It requires a lot of wisdom, tolerance, sacrifices and understanding to blend two strangers into one. This is never done, it takes forever for two people to really become one.
When issues become this complex, the only way out is to face reality with all the honesty it deserves. Doubtless given all you have said about your husband, you have every right to be angry, disillusioned and weary of the marriage. But is he really the only one to be blamed for what your marriage became?
No matter how short the courtship was, if you were well focused and knew what you actually wanted, you would have noticed that he is hooked on marijuana. This is one habit addicts cannot conceal at all. You also would have noticed from the looks other women were giving you; that he has more than passing interest in these women. There is no way a true Casanova can hide his nature even if it is for one day. Also you must have noticed that he wasn’t involved in anything from the time he spent with you or had to toy around with.
Even if a man is unemployed, you can always tell the serious ones from the unserious ones from the struggles they put into their lives.
Your fault is being unable to read and decode the message accurately. You were perhaps too blinded by what you wanted; the sex and fun than what was happening around you. Had you applied your attention to studying a little you would have discovered just enough to know what to expect from marriage to him. Your family saw through him, hence their objection to your marrying him.
It is also obvious that your marriage to him wasn’t planned. You got married to him because you were pregnant and not because you both planned it. One thing is to plan a marriage with someone you really love; another is to marry out of circumstances.
However having said all these and discovered who he really is, do you think you can ever come to love him the way you should love your husband? Do you think you have what it takes to endure the challenges of being married to him? Will you ever have the patience and understanding required to continue to give him selfless support?
Also do you think you can endure sharing him with all the other women in his life? Can you completely forgive all he has done as well as yourself for this mistake your marriage appears to be?
Sincerely, you are at the juncture of telling yourself some basic truths. This time, you don’t have the excuse of not knowing what you are going in to will give; you must make the decision with all clarity of mind knowing you won’t have any reason not to make it work this time around.
Men would always come but that should not be your immediate concern now. You would be unfair to yourself and your child if you don’t first mob up the attendant mess your marriage has thrown up before going into another serious relationship with another man. The worst mistake of your life would be to look back on this moment and wish you didn’t make a hasty decision. Your resolution must be such you would always be happy with no matter what life throws at you as your progress in life.
Until you wrap this up, delay any interest you have in other men. You must also know that life provides no one guarantees whatsoever. The next man could appear responsible now but turn out to be worse than your present man.
To do a good job, continue to concentrate on his good point else the bitterness of your experience would obliterate whatever pleasant memories you have of him or the reason you agreed to date him among all the other men that demanded for your attention.
The presence of that child in your lives makes it impossible for both of you to completely avoid each other. You won’t know if he has changed without giving him a chance to show or say how much change has happened in his life.
Also you won’t know if you still have feelings for him if you don’t see him. It is your life, nobody can force you into doing something you don’t want to, but it is important that you also don’t cage yourself into a box of regrets and unhappiness because you are in a hurry to be free.
You are at liberty to do whatever you like after listening to him. Give him an appointment at an opened place. While there, insist on the conditions you would come back to him. It is important you discuss the matter of his addiction to drugs, his engagement as the man of the house as well as his interests in women. Also make it clear that if he lays his fingers on you again you would be forced to leave him, love or no love.
His response to your conditions would tell you if he is willing to change or not. And in considering him, don’t expect too much from him at once. Of all his vices, you must know the one you desperately want him to change from. Begin with that and gradually work your way to the rest; change comes from one tiny important step.
Involve your family as well as his in whatever decision you make from now. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can handle these kinds of challenges on your own. If you are going back to him, he must agree before the entire family the kind of work or business he is good at and if you are going to fund it, the management of the place must be left with you for the time being to forestall the incident of the past.
Above all, you must be very prayerful. It is never too late to invite God to take charge of your affairs. This is the most important step for you.
Good luck.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Her condition for love deal sounds awkward…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am an ardent reader of your column and I want to say a very big thank you for all the wonderful ways you have been pulling broken hearts together.
I met this young lady and we started as friends but as time would have it, I fell in love with her and I decided to ask her out for a lifelong relationship. But she started acting funny. Some other time she would simply tell me she’s sorry. And without hesitation, I would forgive her.
But mostly she hurts me by telling me she prefers to have men just as friends. When I decide to end everything, she turns around to say all the other guys have at one time or the other asked her out.
Agatha, I love her with every thing in me and if I ask her if she feels the same about me, she’ll turn it to a joke. But the amazing thing is that, sometimes she’ll be more serious than I am. We have been going out for about a year now.
Not too long ago she told me she loves me and would like to spend the rest of her life with me, but we should give ourselves space. When I asked her why, she did not give me any reasonable answer. And while we were together her phone rang, the caller was a man. Hence she didn’t want to answer it because I was there. We ended up quarrelling over the incident. When I called her for us to reconcile, she said I have to apologise to the guy first, else it was over between us.
Agatha, please help me. How do I resolve this issue once and for all?
Kingsley.
Dear Kingsley,
You can resolve this issue once and for all by being bold. Face the reality of the situation; you can force a horse to the river, but you cannot force it to drink water.
It is either you both have a relationship or you don’t have. You have to make up your mind on what you want from life. Asking you to apologise to this man as precondition for her coming back to you is completely out of the question. Even if you jumped to the wrong conclusions about the nature of her relationship with this man, it is out of place to peg her acceptance of your apology on apologising to the man too.
No matter what you have done, she should protect your dignity as her man before others. That she is willing to expose you to the scorn and humiliation of begging another man before she can listen to what you have to say shows that she has very little regards for your feelings.
Still make the attempt to make up with her to erase every doubt from your mind. But if she insists that until you do as she has demanded, let go. In the first place there appears to be no relationship, at least from her end. What you have just done in the last one year is to run in circles.
Use the opportunity provided by this situation to revaluate your closeness to her. Begin by asking yourself if she is a must for you. Honestly, you won’t know until you actually think about it in terms of the value she has added into your life. The quality of happiness she has given you as well as fulfilment she has given you in terms of support she has given you.
Relationship is more than romance. It is what complements us as human beings. The right kind of relationship can bring very positive transformation into one’s life. With the right kind of support, a man and woman can achieve what was once considered impossible. This is the potency of a good relationship.
If you are still struggling after one year with her to find the key, get her to respond to you in the right way, trust and respect you, a lot is very wrong. Chances are you won’t ever get it right with her unless you embrace the truth of this situation. Give it back to her; insist if she wants to stay with you she should also learn to accord you the respect you deserve.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am an ardent reader of your column and I want to say a very big thank you for all the wonderful ways you have been pulling broken hearts together.
I met this young lady and we started as friends but as time would have it, I fell in love with her and I decided to ask her out for a lifelong relationship. But she started acting funny. Some other time she would simply tell me she’s sorry. And without hesitation, I would forgive her.
But mostly she hurts me by telling me she prefers to have men just as friends. When I decide to end everything, she turns around to say all the other guys have at one time or the other asked her out.
Agatha, I love her with every thing in me and if I ask her if she feels the same about me, she’ll turn it to a joke. But the amazing thing is that, sometimes she’ll be more serious than I am. We have been going out for about a year now.
Not too long ago she told me she loves me and would like to spend the rest of her life with me, but we should give ourselves space. When I asked her why, she did not give me any reasonable answer. And while we were together her phone rang, the caller was a man. Hence she didn’t want to answer it because I was there. We ended up quarrelling over the incident. When I called her for us to reconcile, she said I have to apologise to the guy first, else it was over between us.
Agatha, please help me. How do I resolve this issue once and for all?
Kingsley.
Dear Kingsley,
You can resolve this issue once and for all by being bold. Face the reality of the situation; you can force a horse to the river, but you cannot force it to drink water.
It is either you both have a relationship or you don’t have. You have to make up your mind on what you want from life. Asking you to apologise to this man as precondition for her coming back to you is completely out of the question. Even if you jumped to the wrong conclusions about the nature of her relationship with this man, it is out of place to peg her acceptance of your apology on apologising to the man too.
No matter what you have done, she should protect your dignity as her man before others. That she is willing to expose you to the scorn and humiliation of begging another man before she can listen to what you have to say shows that she has very little regards for your feelings.
Still make the attempt to make up with her to erase every doubt from your mind. But if she insists that until you do as she has demanded, let go. In the first place there appears to be no relationship, at least from her end. What you have just done in the last one year is to run in circles.
Use the opportunity provided by this situation to revaluate your closeness to her. Begin by asking yourself if she is a must for you. Honestly, you won’t know until you actually think about it in terms of the value she has added into your life. The quality of happiness she has given you as well as fulfilment she has given you in terms of support she has given you.
Relationship is more than romance. It is what complements us as human beings. The right kind of relationship can bring very positive transformation into one’s life. With the right kind of support, a man and woman can achieve what was once considered impossible. This is the potency of a good relationship.
If you are still struggling after one year with her to find the key, get her to respond to you in the right way, trust and respect you, a lot is very wrong. Chances are you won’t ever get it right with her unless you embrace the truth of this situation. Give it back to her; insist if she wants to stay with you she should also learn to accord you the respect you deserve.
Good luck.
I posed as my wife to her ex on Facebook
Marriage Clinic with Auntie Agatha, Email address; gataedo@yahoo.com:agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel;08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I need your help. I live abroad and met my wife in Nigeria through my elder brother who was in the same class with her. I started speaking to her on the phone and we agreed that we would stop whatever relationship we were into to give us a chance to bond.
I kept my promise but she didn’t. I flew to Nigeria to meet her and conclude if we can get married to each other or not. We finally married and I took her to England within a year.
In England, I demanded to know if she actually kept her side of the bargain to terminate whatever relationship she was into before we started dating. She said she did but something deep inside my mind told me she didn’t.
I then asked her for the name of her ex- boyfriend and she told me. I established a link with this ex on Facebook posing as my wife. Since he thought it was my wife, he didn’t hold anything back from our conversation. I subtly asked him about the last night they had sex and he told me everything.
I then confronted my wife with the information I got from her ex. It was at that point that she told me what happened between them. She opened up that she had sex with him on the last night she left school. She said she actually kept to her side of the bargain but didn’t know what came over her when they had sex. She claimed that even though there was already penetration, she terminated the entire thing when she realised the implication of what she was doing.
What hurt me most is that I was waiting and calling her that night and she was busy having sex with another man. I’m really upset about her betrayal. I had planned to divorce her but she is really good and we have one child now.
I do not trust her but I wish to build the trust back. Each time I make the attempt to, that incident flashes through my mind and I get highly upset. I take everything she tells me now with a pinch of salt.
She has apologised many times but I can’t forget that. I have tried to forget but still find myself in serious pain.
I need to forgive but do not know how to or do I divorce her?
Kindly answer me before I do something I would regret later.
Husband.
Dear Husband,
Since she got married to you, has she done anything to make you regret ever marrying her? Have you caught her in any compromising situation with any other man?
From your admission, she is a good woman. What every married man needs is a good and respectful woman. I am sure she won’t be in your house till now if you found her to be anything less than what she is.
What happened between her ex and her is in the past. At the time you both agreed to terminate whatever relationships you were both into, she hadn’t met you; didn’t know if you were serious; was afraid of what would happen if you end up changing your mind about her.
You could have met another woman through the same process you met her. It was easy for you because as the man, you had made up your mind about marrying her. Although there was an agreement between the two of you then, she wasn’t quite sure about your sincerity hence the need for her to hold on to the reality of her now ex.
Yes, she should have trusted you enough to let go of her ex, but was afraid of being left in the cold judging by the experiences of other women whose men went abroad and never looked back.
For the simple reason that you don’t have her experiences, don’t know what her friends and close ones whose boyfriends left them and went abroad experienced, do find it in your heart to forgive her.
At the time you were promising her marriage, she didn’t know how serious you were given that fact that the woman in your life may not want to let go of you easily.
If you want to enjoy this marriage, allow it to remain in the past. You and I have pasts we are not proud of and wish we could rewrite. That she has kept apologising means she is really sorry for misjudging you as well as not trusting you enough when you started. That you know about this flaw doesn’t make you the saint and she the villain. If you are honest enough with yourself, you will discover a cupboard in your time bank that you don’t want anyone to ever discover because its content are so shameful.
The best way to forget her seeming betrayal is quantify the amount of happiness she has given you since coming into your life. Also think of the repercussion of you divorcing her on your child. If you didn’t find the idea of sleeping with her and having a baby together repulsive, then whatever it is you feel isn’t as fundamental as you are advertising it. You only feel this bad because his identity is known to you through Facebook. Frankly, you shouldn’t have gone to that extent because what one doesn’t know, usually doesn’t hurt.
How would you feel if she exhumes the memory of your ex from the closed cupboard you have kept it? By pretending to be her on facebook, you opened yourself up for pains and humiliation. There are certain things in life, one ignores for one’s peace of mind.
Since you didn’t meet her a virgin, it means she has had other men in her life just like you have had other women in your life. Do yourself a world of good by ignoring the past. Begin your assessment of her from the time you met and paid her bride price.
You must also realise that forgiveness isn’t complete without forgetting the event. Without you making a conscious effort at forgetting the issues of that night, you will never be able to completely forgive her.
Real forgiveness requires a deliberate effort because it demands something we aren’t always willing to give. There is no way you can trust her or build confidence in your marriage if you keep nursing this wound of betrayal forever.
This is the time for you and your wife to connect, build the memorials, inculcate the right values in your marriage and leave your children with a legacy to grow with.
Every day of our lives is a gift from God and the only way we can justify this grace is to learn to forgive our loved ones. She is the closest person to you in life by virtue of her role as your wife. If you continue to entertain ill feelings towards her, it means you don’t like yourself at all.
If you cannot trust the woman who cooks for you, attends to your emotional needs and who is the mother of your child, then something is very wrong somewhere and means you have a major problem of letting go.
To help you do a good job of leading your home aright, ask God for help in erasing the memory of this incident from your mind. You can only appreciate her good qualities after you have expunged from your mind this unpleasant memory.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I need your help. I live abroad and met my wife in Nigeria through my elder brother who was in the same class with her. I started speaking to her on the phone and we agreed that we would stop whatever relationship we were into to give us a chance to bond.
I kept my promise but she didn’t. I flew to Nigeria to meet her and conclude if we can get married to each other or not. We finally married and I took her to England within a year.
In England, I demanded to know if she actually kept her side of the bargain to terminate whatever relationship she was into before we started dating. She said she did but something deep inside my mind told me she didn’t.
I then asked her for the name of her ex- boyfriend and she told me. I established a link with this ex on Facebook posing as my wife. Since he thought it was my wife, he didn’t hold anything back from our conversation. I subtly asked him about the last night they had sex and he told me everything.
I then confronted my wife with the information I got from her ex. It was at that point that she told me what happened between them. She opened up that she had sex with him on the last night she left school. She said she actually kept to her side of the bargain but didn’t know what came over her when they had sex. She claimed that even though there was already penetration, she terminated the entire thing when she realised the implication of what she was doing.
What hurt me most is that I was waiting and calling her that night and she was busy having sex with another man. I’m really upset about her betrayal. I had planned to divorce her but she is really good and we have one child now.
I do not trust her but I wish to build the trust back. Each time I make the attempt to, that incident flashes through my mind and I get highly upset. I take everything she tells me now with a pinch of salt.
She has apologised many times but I can’t forget that. I have tried to forget but still find myself in serious pain.
I need to forgive but do not know how to or do I divorce her?
Kindly answer me before I do something I would regret later.
Husband.
Dear Husband,
Since she got married to you, has she done anything to make you regret ever marrying her? Have you caught her in any compromising situation with any other man?
From your admission, she is a good woman. What every married man needs is a good and respectful woman. I am sure she won’t be in your house till now if you found her to be anything less than what she is.
What happened between her ex and her is in the past. At the time you both agreed to terminate whatever relationships you were both into, she hadn’t met you; didn’t know if you were serious; was afraid of what would happen if you end up changing your mind about her.
You could have met another woman through the same process you met her. It was easy for you because as the man, you had made up your mind about marrying her. Although there was an agreement between the two of you then, she wasn’t quite sure about your sincerity hence the need for her to hold on to the reality of her now ex.
Yes, she should have trusted you enough to let go of her ex, but was afraid of being left in the cold judging by the experiences of other women whose men went abroad and never looked back.
For the simple reason that you don’t have her experiences, don’t know what her friends and close ones whose boyfriends left them and went abroad experienced, do find it in your heart to forgive her.
At the time you were promising her marriage, she didn’t know how serious you were given that fact that the woman in your life may not want to let go of you easily.
If you want to enjoy this marriage, allow it to remain in the past. You and I have pasts we are not proud of and wish we could rewrite. That she has kept apologising means she is really sorry for misjudging you as well as not trusting you enough when you started. That you know about this flaw doesn’t make you the saint and she the villain. If you are honest enough with yourself, you will discover a cupboard in your time bank that you don’t want anyone to ever discover because its content are so shameful.
The best way to forget her seeming betrayal is quantify the amount of happiness she has given you since coming into your life. Also think of the repercussion of you divorcing her on your child. If you didn’t find the idea of sleeping with her and having a baby together repulsive, then whatever it is you feel isn’t as fundamental as you are advertising it. You only feel this bad because his identity is known to you through Facebook. Frankly, you shouldn’t have gone to that extent because what one doesn’t know, usually doesn’t hurt.
How would you feel if she exhumes the memory of your ex from the closed cupboard you have kept it? By pretending to be her on facebook, you opened yourself up for pains and humiliation. There are certain things in life, one ignores for one’s peace of mind.
Since you didn’t meet her a virgin, it means she has had other men in her life just like you have had other women in your life. Do yourself a world of good by ignoring the past. Begin your assessment of her from the time you met and paid her bride price.
You must also realise that forgiveness isn’t complete without forgetting the event. Without you making a conscious effort at forgetting the issues of that night, you will never be able to completely forgive her.
Real forgiveness requires a deliberate effort because it demands something we aren’t always willing to give. There is no way you can trust her or build confidence in your marriage if you keep nursing this wound of betrayal forever.
This is the time for you and your wife to connect, build the memorials, inculcate the right values in your marriage and leave your children with a legacy to grow with.
Every day of our lives is a gift from God and the only way we can justify this grace is to learn to forgive our loved ones. She is the closest person to you in life by virtue of her role as your wife. If you continue to entertain ill feelings towards her, it means you don’t like yourself at all.
If you cannot trust the woman who cooks for you, attends to your emotional needs and who is the mother of your child, then something is very wrong somewhere and means you have a major problem of letting go.
To help you do a good job of leading your home aright, ask God for help in erasing the memory of this incident from your mind. You can only appreciate her good qualities after you have expunged from your mind this unpleasant memory.
Good luck.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Mum complains of her humble background…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am currently in a bit of a mess concerning my marriage and relationship.
Before my current situation and relocation to United Kingdom, I had a relationship with this lady from Delta State. I had gone to the extent of introducing this lady to my parents and immediate family members as the lady I had wanted to marry.
My mother opposed because the lady wasn’t from our tribe and came from humble background. I stood my grounds.
Contrary to what I expected, she stood by me even when things were very tough and rough for me. But when it got to a point where I was just not relevant to her in anyway she started changing and the quarrels started coming. I noticed that each time I called her line from the UK it was always busy and when I accuse her of getting involved with other men she tacitly consented by saying to me that if other men don’t admire her then there was a problem with her physical outlook.
I felt very bad but kept my cool until one evening when I called her line and she wouldn’t pick her call. When she eventually answered the next day she explained to me that she had been with a new man at the time I was calling and as she was speaking she started crying, telling me that she had betrayed me.
It was painful, but I moved on. I eventually met a single mother of one through whom I got a white-collar job. One thing led to another and we became an item.
By this time my ex-girlfriend had started calling me again trying to make up with me and as I was already involved with another woman, I told her I would prefer a platonic relationship with her.
Things moved rather quickly between the woman and me in my life resulting into my moving in with her and the son.
And then the problems started. She would always search my personal effects, go through my phones and e-mails and foment trouble if she saw things relating to other ladies including my sisters and female friends with whom I had nothing.
These actions of hers informed the closure of my e-mail accounts as well as changing my telephone numbers to ensure she didn’t feel insecure anymore. She would also compare me to her male boss at work asking me to carry myself the way the man carries himself; she would lash out at me angrily when I sought to know if anything was bothering her. I had to cut off all association with all old friends to make this lady happy. Although we had sex initially we stopped as she thought I was taking the Mickey out of her because of our intimacy. I was not perturbed by her decision because I wasn’t really getting the best from her.
However, we had some peace for sometime and prompting us to mull over the idea of marriage. Then came the day we went to get an engagement ring. She insisted for an engagement ring that was exactly worth my one-month salary. We had a bit of a disagreement about this but I concurred for the sake of peace.
We eventually got married and six days after our civil marriage she moved out of the master bedroom because I snore. That was when I knew that marrying this lady was the worst mistake of my life. I knew I was in the biggest mess of my life.
I remained a gentleman and kept my cool not worrying her for any form of intimacy whatsoever even though it was difficult not to since I had gotten used to her.
It was also after the civil marriage that I got to know that she was heavily indebted to the banks. I was now expected to take care of her and her love child.
Somehow, she got hold of an old flash drive of mine that I had been looking for since I moved in to her house and which contained the pictures of my ex-girlfriend. We quarrelled like we had never done before. Our pastor tried to intervene but the dissolution of our marriage was just a question of time.
While at work one day she sent me an e-mail saying she was done with the marriage. We went our separate ways towards the end of last year.
I later got in touch with all my old friends as well as my ex. I discovered she wasn’t married. She said pressure from her family including the uncertainty facing us at the time and her inexperience contributed to that blunder. She begged for forgiveness and even though I am still seething from anger over two failed relationships that have happened in quick succession, I have found it in my heart to accept this lady back.
Agatha I am back with this lady and she knows all about what transpired between my ex wife and I. She has been brilliant in the way she has managed the crisis times particularly when I get into my terrible moods. She has been so prayerful, fasting and telling me to remain steadfast in God. We have grown quite close. We have progressed in leaps and bounds. I don’t want to make any mistakes anymore. I know we might not be of the same social status but I love this lady to have taken her back.
I am bothered about my parents coming up with the issue about her humble background again. I now know more from the experience I had in my just previous three months old marriage, that it entails a lot more than social status and money.
I have come to understand that marriage entails happiness, peace of mind, tolerance and lots more. I need your candid view about my current situation as I am considering coming back after I have sorted out my divorce.
I need to know how to handle my parents and win their support regarding marrying this lady, as I am not ready to get into another terrible mess. I have also committed this into God’s hands as I pray about my current situation all the time. Please your advice will be taken quite seriously as I am very careful about whom I talk.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
Having entrusted this relationship to God, I am sure He would clear and smoothen all rough edges. He knows all our tomorrows from today and has never gone wrong.
You and your girlfriend got derailed by impatience, lack of experience as well as trust in God. Had both of you overlooked the challenges you were both passing through at that time, none of this ugliness of your present situation would have happened.
Having gone through the baptism of fire, I am sure you are now more matured and experienced to handle matters of the heart.
Frankly, it is too early for you to begin something new. It doesn’t matter if she is your ex or not, the fact remains that you haven’t really sat down to consider all angles to the issue of your marriage to the other woman before jumping on the boat of reconciliation with your ex.
The incident of the past months with this woman may have left some very bitter taste in your mouth but there is still the need for you to consider the possibility of you coming back together.
And you can only be sure, you are completely over her if you give yourself enough time to think and come to a decisive conclusion. You must be sure also you are not using your ex as a rebound like you obviously used her when your ex left you for another man.
It would be so unfortunate if you allow yourself to migrate to and fro these women ceaselessly. This is the time for you to be very decisive concerning your future.
Before proceeding with this lady, be sure there can never be anthing between you and your wife. No matter how short-lived your marriage to her was you must have been closely connected at one time for you to have taken such steps despite knowing her kind of person.
Are you sure you won’t feel regrets later in life about your decision to leave her and go back to your ex? Are you sure you won’t miss not having her in your life on certain occasions? Is there something very outstanding you will never be able to forget about her? It is also important you are sure you are not using your current relationship to mask your pains and disappointments.
Continue with this other lady only if you are really sure that there is no possibility of you and your wife coming back together, you feel absolutely comfortable in her company.
As for the issue of your parents, there is nothing to it as long as you are sure of your love for each other and the dreams you both share. Background isn’t what makes a marriage work but the determination of the couple in it. As long as you and your woman agree to close rank, face every challenge with dignity and fear of God, accord each other respect as well as support, you have nothing to fear.
But all these would depend on true forgiveness. You must completely let go of whatever pains or sense of betrayal you feel by her actions. There are occasions you would, after deep reflection, blame her for all the secondary issues arising from your hurried marriage to the other woman. It is essential you completely forgive her. If you don’t, your relationship with her may never come to its full potentials.
Despite the lessons of her past experience too, there is the need for both of you to talk about your experiences as well as fears. Also, you need to be sure of her all over again.
If you have any question concerning her past conduct, don’t bottle it up. Ask for the purpose of clearing up any backlog of issues.
Once your mind is made up, do whatever you have to do urgently so you don’t leave gap for temptations.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am currently in a bit of a mess concerning my marriage and relationship.
Before my current situation and relocation to United Kingdom, I had a relationship with this lady from Delta State. I had gone to the extent of introducing this lady to my parents and immediate family members as the lady I had wanted to marry.
My mother opposed because the lady wasn’t from our tribe and came from humble background. I stood my grounds.
Contrary to what I expected, she stood by me even when things were very tough and rough for me. But when it got to a point where I was just not relevant to her in anyway she started changing and the quarrels started coming. I noticed that each time I called her line from the UK it was always busy and when I accuse her of getting involved with other men she tacitly consented by saying to me that if other men don’t admire her then there was a problem with her physical outlook.
I felt very bad but kept my cool until one evening when I called her line and she wouldn’t pick her call. When she eventually answered the next day she explained to me that she had been with a new man at the time I was calling and as she was speaking she started crying, telling me that she had betrayed me.
It was painful, but I moved on. I eventually met a single mother of one through whom I got a white-collar job. One thing led to another and we became an item.
By this time my ex-girlfriend had started calling me again trying to make up with me and as I was already involved with another woman, I told her I would prefer a platonic relationship with her.
Things moved rather quickly between the woman and me in my life resulting into my moving in with her and the son.
And then the problems started. She would always search my personal effects, go through my phones and e-mails and foment trouble if she saw things relating to other ladies including my sisters and female friends with whom I had nothing.
These actions of hers informed the closure of my e-mail accounts as well as changing my telephone numbers to ensure she didn’t feel insecure anymore. She would also compare me to her male boss at work asking me to carry myself the way the man carries himself; she would lash out at me angrily when I sought to know if anything was bothering her. I had to cut off all association with all old friends to make this lady happy. Although we had sex initially we stopped as she thought I was taking the Mickey out of her because of our intimacy. I was not perturbed by her decision because I wasn’t really getting the best from her.
However, we had some peace for sometime and prompting us to mull over the idea of marriage. Then came the day we went to get an engagement ring. She insisted for an engagement ring that was exactly worth my one-month salary. We had a bit of a disagreement about this but I concurred for the sake of peace.
We eventually got married and six days after our civil marriage she moved out of the master bedroom because I snore. That was when I knew that marrying this lady was the worst mistake of my life. I knew I was in the biggest mess of my life.
I remained a gentleman and kept my cool not worrying her for any form of intimacy whatsoever even though it was difficult not to since I had gotten used to her.
It was also after the civil marriage that I got to know that she was heavily indebted to the banks. I was now expected to take care of her and her love child.
Somehow, she got hold of an old flash drive of mine that I had been looking for since I moved in to her house and which contained the pictures of my ex-girlfriend. We quarrelled like we had never done before. Our pastor tried to intervene but the dissolution of our marriage was just a question of time.
While at work one day she sent me an e-mail saying she was done with the marriage. We went our separate ways towards the end of last year.
I later got in touch with all my old friends as well as my ex. I discovered she wasn’t married. She said pressure from her family including the uncertainty facing us at the time and her inexperience contributed to that blunder. She begged for forgiveness and even though I am still seething from anger over two failed relationships that have happened in quick succession, I have found it in my heart to accept this lady back.
Agatha I am back with this lady and she knows all about what transpired between my ex wife and I. She has been brilliant in the way she has managed the crisis times particularly when I get into my terrible moods. She has been so prayerful, fasting and telling me to remain steadfast in God. We have grown quite close. We have progressed in leaps and bounds. I don’t want to make any mistakes anymore. I know we might not be of the same social status but I love this lady to have taken her back.
I am bothered about my parents coming up with the issue about her humble background again. I now know more from the experience I had in my just previous three months old marriage, that it entails a lot more than social status and money.
I have come to understand that marriage entails happiness, peace of mind, tolerance and lots more. I need your candid view about my current situation as I am considering coming back after I have sorted out my divorce.
I need to know how to handle my parents and win their support regarding marrying this lady, as I am not ready to get into another terrible mess. I have also committed this into God’s hands as I pray about my current situation all the time. Please your advice will be taken quite seriously as I am very careful about whom I talk.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
Having entrusted this relationship to God, I am sure He would clear and smoothen all rough edges. He knows all our tomorrows from today and has never gone wrong.
You and your girlfriend got derailed by impatience, lack of experience as well as trust in God. Had both of you overlooked the challenges you were both passing through at that time, none of this ugliness of your present situation would have happened.
Having gone through the baptism of fire, I am sure you are now more matured and experienced to handle matters of the heart.
Frankly, it is too early for you to begin something new. It doesn’t matter if she is your ex or not, the fact remains that you haven’t really sat down to consider all angles to the issue of your marriage to the other woman before jumping on the boat of reconciliation with your ex.
The incident of the past months with this woman may have left some very bitter taste in your mouth but there is still the need for you to consider the possibility of you coming back together.
And you can only be sure, you are completely over her if you give yourself enough time to think and come to a decisive conclusion. You must be sure also you are not using your ex as a rebound like you obviously used her when your ex left you for another man.
It would be so unfortunate if you allow yourself to migrate to and fro these women ceaselessly. This is the time for you to be very decisive concerning your future.
Before proceeding with this lady, be sure there can never be anthing between you and your wife. No matter how short-lived your marriage to her was you must have been closely connected at one time for you to have taken such steps despite knowing her kind of person.
Are you sure you won’t feel regrets later in life about your decision to leave her and go back to your ex? Are you sure you won’t miss not having her in your life on certain occasions? Is there something very outstanding you will never be able to forget about her? It is also important you are sure you are not using your current relationship to mask your pains and disappointments.
Continue with this other lady only if you are really sure that there is no possibility of you and your wife coming back together, you feel absolutely comfortable in her company.
As for the issue of your parents, there is nothing to it as long as you are sure of your love for each other and the dreams you both share. Background isn’t what makes a marriage work but the determination of the couple in it. As long as you and your woman agree to close rank, face every challenge with dignity and fear of God, accord each other respect as well as support, you have nothing to fear.
But all these would depend on true forgiveness. You must completely let go of whatever pains or sense of betrayal you feel by her actions. There are occasions you would, after deep reflection, blame her for all the secondary issues arising from your hurried marriage to the other woman. It is essential you completely forgive her. If you don’t, your relationship with her may never come to its full potentials.
Despite the lessons of her past experience too, there is the need for both of you to talk about your experiences as well as fears. Also, you need to be sure of her all over again.
If you have any question concerning her past conduct, don’t bottle it up. Ask for the purpose of clearing up any backlog of issues.
Once your mind is made up, do whatever you have to do urgently so you don’t leave gap for temptations.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Can masturbation cause quick ejaculation?
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to start by thanking you for the good advice you give. I have a problem that has been bothering me for a while. I am 30 years old and I started masturbating at the age of 13 when I was exposed to pornography. Ever since I got hook on it. I have never had sex with any woman in my life. I am in a relationship right now. My fiancée and I promised to wait until our wedding night before indulging in sex.
She is not aware of this my ugly past life, yet and I am planning on letting her know. Since I don’t want to hide anything from her even though she decides to leave me on account of my honesty as regards this issue.
My problem is that I heard that one of the side effects of masturbation is premature ejaculation. How true is that? I have since stopped masturbating but I am afraid I may not be able to satisfy my woman in bed if I end up ejaculating early. I normally ejaculate in less than 30 seconds whenever I masturbate. Is there any solution you will recommend to help redeem my situation? Thanks very much for your anticipated response.
Kindness.
Dear Kindness,
Masturbation in itself doesn’t cause premature ejaculation but the time a man sets for himself does. If you have persistently trained yourself to climax after a few seconds of self-stimulation, your brain would automatically sends the message once that time clocks whether you are emotionally ready or not, to climax. This is one of the side effects of masturbation. Over the years you have set an alarm deep in your brains. Whether you like it or not, this alarm would automatically go off at the precise time it has done for the number of years you indulged in this habit.
You may have stopped the habit but you have detonated the alarm bell. Until you grow the will and trust in your partner to come clean with your past.
To re-order your time, you would need the help of your partner to slow down the process of your climax. You will need her to understand that the first few weeks or months may not be as she has envisaged, that you would need her support to completely get over this addiction of yours.
There is no way she would leave you on account of what you did in your past except she doesn’t understand what love is all about. Besides, she too would have done one or two things in her past she isn’t proud off.
If your love for each other is solid, she won’t mind helping you completely to overcome this past. It would as a matter of fact be her pleasure to.
For her to do a good job, you must volunteer your desire and knowledge of sex to her. Allow her to take full charge, even if she is a novice. The know-how of sex is inborn, comes from an instinct that predates our conception.
She would not get lost and in the excitement of helping her come of age, discover what your body is as well as has to offer her, you would forget your own immediate need.
The process of assisting her, getting her ready for you would distract you from your own desires and by the time she is ready, you would just be fine for her. The perfection of your timings would make your issue invisible to her.
The amount of freedom and time you devote to her are the sure ways of overcoming your own limitations.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to start by thanking you for the good advice you give. I have a problem that has been bothering me for a while. I am 30 years old and I started masturbating at the age of 13 when I was exposed to pornography. Ever since I got hook on it. I have never had sex with any woman in my life. I am in a relationship right now. My fiancée and I promised to wait until our wedding night before indulging in sex.
She is not aware of this my ugly past life, yet and I am planning on letting her know. Since I don’t want to hide anything from her even though she decides to leave me on account of my honesty as regards this issue.
My problem is that I heard that one of the side effects of masturbation is premature ejaculation. How true is that? I have since stopped masturbating but I am afraid I may not be able to satisfy my woman in bed if I end up ejaculating early. I normally ejaculate in less than 30 seconds whenever I masturbate. Is there any solution you will recommend to help redeem my situation? Thanks very much for your anticipated response.
Kindness.
Dear Kindness,
Masturbation in itself doesn’t cause premature ejaculation but the time a man sets for himself does. If you have persistently trained yourself to climax after a few seconds of self-stimulation, your brain would automatically sends the message once that time clocks whether you are emotionally ready or not, to climax. This is one of the side effects of masturbation. Over the years you have set an alarm deep in your brains. Whether you like it or not, this alarm would automatically go off at the precise time it has done for the number of years you indulged in this habit.
You may have stopped the habit but you have detonated the alarm bell. Until you grow the will and trust in your partner to come clean with your past.
To re-order your time, you would need the help of your partner to slow down the process of your climax. You will need her to understand that the first few weeks or months may not be as she has envisaged, that you would need her support to completely get over this addiction of yours.
There is no way she would leave you on account of what you did in your past except she doesn’t understand what love is all about. Besides, she too would have done one or two things in her past she isn’t proud off.
If your love for each other is solid, she won’t mind helping you completely to overcome this past. It would as a matter of fact be her pleasure to.
For her to do a good job, you must volunteer your desire and knowledge of sex to her. Allow her to take full charge, even if she is a novice. The know-how of sex is inborn, comes from an instinct that predates our conception.
She would not get lost and in the excitement of helping her come of age, discover what your body is as well as has to offer her, you would forget your own immediate need.
The process of assisting her, getting her ready for you would distract you from your own desires and by the time she is ready, you would just be fine for her. The perfection of your timings would make your issue invisible to her.
The amount of freedom and time you devote to her are the sure ways of overcoming your own limitations.
Good luck.
Hard to bowel her knack for old men…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I recently turned 27 and came back from the United Kingdom for my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in one of the biggest hotels in Nigeria. At the completion of my service year I got employed by the same company I served. It was in this company that I met the love of my life. Prior to my coming back to Nigeria, I never entertained the idea of dating Nigerian girls; I have always preferred Nigerians in Diaspora like myself. This is because of the perception I have that Nigerian women are promiscuous.
Working in the hotel daily exposes me to the nature of women here especially between young ladies and old men. Things like that make me sick to my stomach.
However when I met Amanda everything changed. Amanda was like God sent then. I encouraged her to stop work at the hotel and go back to school. I didn’t hide the fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
During our discussions she told me she once dated a married man and I almost dumped her because she confided in me. She promised it would never happen again. I advised her to plead for God’s forgiveness.
While at the hotel, she met an old white man who has kept calling her. I didn’t hide my discomfort over his calls. She often asks me to allow her go and hang out with him, a request I initially refused but later gave in to, due to trust.
One day I realised he took her out for shopping but she didn’t tell me because she was afraid of what I might do but she later called and told me while she was with him. As of now, I am helping her financially but I am not able to support her fully as I have other people who depend on me.
She says she’s only interested in the financial help the man is offering her and that he has never asked her for sex. I fear that one day she will start having sex with this old man because of money as they are getting closer and closer. I have called and warned the man to stay away from my girl but he has obviously refused to do that.
I hate him so much but I blame my girl for giving him the space to get close to her, it makes me feel like she’s cheap and worthless. We recently had a heated argument and she told me that she is not interested in having a relationship with the man; that he is offering her financial help to better her future and that if I am uncomfortable with his presence I should leave her.
I feel she has chosen him over me; it makes me feel that she does not value me at all. She also said that prior to meeting me, she detested dating young single men due to their complaints and hunger for sex, that she preferred dating married men who will spend on her, give her freedom and wouldn’t have much sex with her. However she admitted that she prayed for a man like me and that God has answered her prayer when she met me. She is only 20 years of age.
I love her drive to succeed in life but I hate the method she is using to reach that goal. She is very honest with me and loves me very much without doubt but I believe in a few years time if not married, I would be going into the marriage institution. Should I leave her and find a suitable lady? I guess the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know right? Should I give her a chance? Can she grow to become my wife? She is everything I look for in a woman but she also loves attention from men, which I hate. Sometimes I query God for allowing me to meet her and on the other hand, I thank God for bringing her into my life. I have other women that want me that she is aware of but I don’t even look at them twice.
One mind is telling me to seek an audience with the white man and explain everything to him and that if he is reasonable, he would leave my girl alone. Meanwhile another mind is also telling me to reveal my gangster side to him and teach him a lifetime lesson. If the white man leaves her, will she not get involved with another person for financial help? Should I focus more on establishing myself instead of worrying too much about her and her so called male friends?
Please advise me accordingly because I’m about to lose my mind.
Sean.
Dear Sean,
Concentrate more energy on establishing yourself than worrying about your girlfriend and her attitude. She has made her choice very clear and you would be doing yourself a great injustice by neglecting your own dreams. You need to take your own life more serious than you are currently doing.
Going to the other man to leave her alone or deploying violence won’t change the way she thinks. She has not hidden what moves her from you. She is blinded by money and anywhere she smells the perfume of money, like butterfly she would go towards that direction.
The man could arrest you for assault, harassment or threat to his life because he has no business with you. And don’t be too sure this lady would stand by you if your interference means her losing a viable client. You won’t be able to cope with the attendant mess the man may cook for you should you venture to confront him.
It is your girlfriend you have business with and if she isn’t pretending about the side of her bread the butter is most generous, do yourself a world of good by pretending that no other man exists in her life. This way you would have the presence and peace of mind to concentrate on your life. In fairness to the white man, he has stolen your woman or forced her into a situation she doesn’t want to be in. She has the goods and he has the money to buy. If there is anyone you need to confront, it is your girlfriend.
Money is what she wants and not the love you have to offer her. If you are unable to make it at the end of the day, this young lady would eventually leave you for a man who has what she requires to be happy.
You may love her and she you, but love isn’t enough for her and would never be strong enough to make her absolutely loyal to you.
There is no way the man would not eventually demand for sex and she won’t give in. Since it is obvious that money motivates her, if the other man threatens to stop the flow of money to her, she would either she likes it or not succumbs to his demands because he has what she wants.
Frankly, this isn’t the kind of lady you should give your all to. At 20, she is far too experienced for you. She is already wise on the ways of women. Unless you are prepared to share her until she is ready to quit her act, you may have to consider so many things in your current situation as well as relationship.
In addition to concentrating on your own self-development, down play your feelings for her. You cannot love this woman more than you do to yourself. You have to get rid of that thing you are afraid to confront in this relationship. Whether you like it or not, she isn’t exclusively yours. You are sharing her with other men so why are you so much afraid of losing her? By giving her permission to see this white man, you unwittingly gave consent to her to date the man.
It is time you took charge of this relationship because contentment is a vital key to the progress and success of a relationship. If you are funding her, no matter how meager, she should be contented with it. There is something about perseverance. A woman who cannot endure hardship, make sacrifices for the man in her life isn’t ready for a future with that man.
Your love isn’t an excuse for you to condone her misbehaviour. Insist that unless she is ready to do away with all the other men in her life, you may have no choice but reconsider your relationship. For now, she isn’t ready to change for you. You can only stay with a person who is willing to change, but in a situation where this lady isn’t repentant, there is little you can do for her.
If you truly love her, be the friend she needs for now to protect yourself from emotional pains and disappointment. You need all your efforts to succeed in whatever you decide to do.
There is nobody that cannot change but the issue is, when. And is she even ready to change from her ways? How long are you ready to endure the embarrassment of seeing your girl with other men?
Make up your mind before this woman destroys you for another woman.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I recently turned 27 and came back from the United Kingdom for my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in one of the biggest hotels in Nigeria. At the completion of my service year I got employed by the same company I served. It was in this company that I met the love of my life. Prior to my coming back to Nigeria, I never entertained the idea of dating Nigerian girls; I have always preferred Nigerians in Diaspora like myself. This is because of the perception I have that Nigerian women are promiscuous.
Working in the hotel daily exposes me to the nature of women here especially between young ladies and old men. Things like that make me sick to my stomach.
However when I met Amanda everything changed. Amanda was like God sent then. I encouraged her to stop work at the hotel and go back to school. I didn’t hide the fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
During our discussions she told me she once dated a married man and I almost dumped her because she confided in me. She promised it would never happen again. I advised her to plead for God’s forgiveness.
While at the hotel, she met an old white man who has kept calling her. I didn’t hide my discomfort over his calls. She often asks me to allow her go and hang out with him, a request I initially refused but later gave in to, due to trust.
One day I realised he took her out for shopping but she didn’t tell me because she was afraid of what I might do but she later called and told me while she was with him. As of now, I am helping her financially but I am not able to support her fully as I have other people who depend on me.
She says she’s only interested in the financial help the man is offering her and that he has never asked her for sex. I fear that one day she will start having sex with this old man because of money as they are getting closer and closer. I have called and warned the man to stay away from my girl but he has obviously refused to do that.
I hate him so much but I blame my girl for giving him the space to get close to her, it makes me feel like she’s cheap and worthless. We recently had a heated argument and she told me that she is not interested in having a relationship with the man; that he is offering her financial help to better her future and that if I am uncomfortable with his presence I should leave her.
I feel she has chosen him over me; it makes me feel that she does not value me at all. She also said that prior to meeting me, she detested dating young single men due to their complaints and hunger for sex, that she preferred dating married men who will spend on her, give her freedom and wouldn’t have much sex with her. However she admitted that she prayed for a man like me and that God has answered her prayer when she met me. She is only 20 years of age.
I love her drive to succeed in life but I hate the method she is using to reach that goal. She is very honest with me and loves me very much without doubt but I believe in a few years time if not married, I would be going into the marriage institution. Should I leave her and find a suitable lady? I guess the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know right? Should I give her a chance? Can she grow to become my wife? She is everything I look for in a woman but she also loves attention from men, which I hate. Sometimes I query God for allowing me to meet her and on the other hand, I thank God for bringing her into my life. I have other women that want me that she is aware of but I don’t even look at them twice.
One mind is telling me to seek an audience with the white man and explain everything to him and that if he is reasonable, he would leave my girl alone. Meanwhile another mind is also telling me to reveal my gangster side to him and teach him a lifetime lesson. If the white man leaves her, will she not get involved with another person for financial help? Should I focus more on establishing myself instead of worrying too much about her and her so called male friends?
Please advise me accordingly because I’m about to lose my mind.
Sean.
Dear Sean,
Concentrate more energy on establishing yourself than worrying about your girlfriend and her attitude. She has made her choice very clear and you would be doing yourself a great injustice by neglecting your own dreams. You need to take your own life more serious than you are currently doing.
Going to the other man to leave her alone or deploying violence won’t change the way she thinks. She has not hidden what moves her from you. She is blinded by money and anywhere she smells the perfume of money, like butterfly she would go towards that direction.
The man could arrest you for assault, harassment or threat to his life because he has no business with you. And don’t be too sure this lady would stand by you if your interference means her losing a viable client. You won’t be able to cope with the attendant mess the man may cook for you should you venture to confront him.
It is your girlfriend you have business with and if she isn’t pretending about the side of her bread the butter is most generous, do yourself a world of good by pretending that no other man exists in her life. This way you would have the presence and peace of mind to concentrate on your life. In fairness to the white man, he has stolen your woman or forced her into a situation she doesn’t want to be in. She has the goods and he has the money to buy. If there is anyone you need to confront, it is your girlfriend.
Money is what she wants and not the love you have to offer her. If you are unable to make it at the end of the day, this young lady would eventually leave you for a man who has what she requires to be happy.
You may love her and she you, but love isn’t enough for her and would never be strong enough to make her absolutely loyal to you.
There is no way the man would not eventually demand for sex and she won’t give in. Since it is obvious that money motivates her, if the other man threatens to stop the flow of money to her, she would either she likes it or not succumbs to his demands because he has what she wants.
Frankly, this isn’t the kind of lady you should give your all to. At 20, she is far too experienced for you. She is already wise on the ways of women. Unless you are prepared to share her until she is ready to quit her act, you may have to consider so many things in your current situation as well as relationship.
In addition to concentrating on your own self-development, down play your feelings for her. You cannot love this woman more than you do to yourself. You have to get rid of that thing you are afraid to confront in this relationship. Whether you like it or not, she isn’t exclusively yours. You are sharing her with other men so why are you so much afraid of losing her? By giving her permission to see this white man, you unwittingly gave consent to her to date the man.
It is time you took charge of this relationship because contentment is a vital key to the progress and success of a relationship. If you are funding her, no matter how meager, she should be contented with it. There is something about perseverance. A woman who cannot endure hardship, make sacrifices for the man in her life isn’t ready for a future with that man.
Your love isn’t an excuse for you to condone her misbehaviour. Insist that unless she is ready to do away with all the other men in her life, you may have no choice but reconsider your relationship. For now, she isn’t ready to change for you. You can only stay with a person who is willing to change, but in a situation where this lady isn’t repentant, there is little you can do for her.
If you truly love her, be the friend she needs for now to protect yourself from emotional pains and disappointment. You need all your efforts to succeed in whatever you decide to do.
There is nobody that cannot change but the issue is, when. And is she even ready to change from her ways? How long are you ready to endure the embarrassment of seeing your girl with other men?
Make up your mind before this woman destroys you for another woman.
Good luck.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Can’t one rouse girl without oral sex?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I‘m a young man of 30 years old and planning to settle down very soon. I have this confusing issue I would like you to help clear. My friends tell me that to get a woman highly aroused and ready for intercourse, the man has to make use of his mouth and tongue to stimulate her womanhood.
And in some of your responses, you also mentioned the same thing. Now I imagined the thought and acted on it. And it seems to me dirty and irritating, considering the taste of the place and hygiene of taking such liquid into one’s stomach. Please brief me and as well clear my mind on the issue if it is a normal thing to do, especially in helping the woman to be ready. I want to be educated. And would not want my natural attitude to affect my married life later.
Inexperienced Boy.
Dear Inexperienced Boy,
There is nothing dirty or poisonous in being intimate with one’s spouse. Except the woman is naturally unhygienic, the actual scent of a woman is pure and enticing. It gives her a uniqueness that helps remind her man, wherever he may, of his woman.
Oral sex is part of the package in matrimony. When done in love, friendship and appreciation, it is a beautiful binding substance that acts as a shield, protection, and foundation during crises period in a marriage.
It enables the couple to build a well of emotional and communication reservoir that sets them apart from the crowd.
Whether we admit it or not, sex is a powerful tool in any marriage and every couple must device a means of using it to zeal any crack even before it begins to manifest. The essence of oral sex is underscored by the sensitive nature of the human body. Without the use of our fingers, tongue and imagination, the human emotion will remain at the its most primary level.
If lesser animals as shown by the various documentaries are in tune with the power of touch during their own mating period, human being the most intelligent animal on earth should therefore celebrate its importance at all times.
The entire skin area is an erotic canvass. However, it takes a careful exploration of the fingers to discover the high and low points of the skin as well as the individuality of one’s partner. The fingers are what remove fact from fiction. A lot of time, many couples assume to know the sensitive zones of their partners when in fact they lack knowledge of even the most basic. The fact that it is generally assumed that a particular area of a woman’s or a man’s body is very sensitive doesn’t mean it works for every man or woman. As a matter of fact some may find such areas very offensive. But only oral sex can give a clear clue into what works for a particular couple at all times.
This is because it is a more comprehensive way of integrating the mind and body.
Whatever your misgivings are now, it would go a long way in helping your marriage grow if you maintain an opened mind concerning the issue of sex.
Oral sex helps a woman to be ready to please her man. Without help from their men, most women would never be able to give their men satisfactory performance in the bedroom. The external organs of the man make it easier for him to attain arousal faster than the woman whose organs are within.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I‘m a young man of 30 years old and planning to settle down very soon. I have this confusing issue I would like you to help clear. My friends tell me that to get a woman highly aroused and ready for intercourse, the man has to make use of his mouth and tongue to stimulate her womanhood.
And in some of your responses, you also mentioned the same thing. Now I imagined the thought and acted on it. And it seems to me dirty and irritating, considering the taste of the place and hygiene of taking such liquid into one’s stomach. Please brief me and as well clear my mind on the issue if it is a normal thing to do, especially in helping the woman to be ready. I want to be educated. And would not want my natural attitude to affect my married life later.
Inexperienced Boy.
Dear Inexperienced Boy,
There is nothing dirty or poisonous in being intimate with one’s spouse. Except the woman is naturally unhygienic, the actual scent of a woman is pure and enticing. It gives her a uniqueness that helps remind her man, wherever he may, of his woman.
Oral sex is part of the package in matrimony. When done in love, friendship and appreciation, it is a beautiful binding substance that acts as a shield, protection, and foundation during crises period in a marriage.
It enables the couple to build a well of emotional and communication reservoir that sets them apart from the crowd.
Whether we admit it or not, sex is a powerful tool in any marriage and every couple must device a means of using it to zeal any crack even before it begins to manifest. The essence of oral sex is underscored by the sensitive nature of the human body. Without the use of our fingers, tongue and imagination, the human emotion will remain at the its most primary level.
If lesser animals as shown by the various documentaries are in tune with the power of touch during their own mating period, human being the most intelligent animal on earth should therefore celebrate its importance at all times.
The entire skin area is an erotic canvass. However, it takes a careful exploration of the fingers to discover the high and low points of the skin as well as the individuality of one’s partner. The fingers are what remove fact from fiction. A lot of time, many couples assume to know the sensitive zones of their partners when in fact they lack knowledge of even the most basic. The fact that it is generally assumed that a particular area of a woman’s or a man’s body is very sensitive doesn’t mean it works for every man or woman. As a matter of fact some may find such areas very offensive. But only oral sex can give a clear clue into what works for a particular couple at all times.
This is because it is a more comprehensive way of integrating the mind and body.
Whatever your misgivings are now, it would go a long way in helping your marriage grow if you maintain an opened mind concerning the issue of sex.
Oral sex helps a woman to be ready to please her man. Without help from their men, most women would never be able to give their men satisfactory performance in the bedroom. The external organs of the man make it easier for him to attain arousal faster than the woman whose organs are within.
Good luck
Long distant marriage and its inherent issues
Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo
Email: gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the way you handle issues that relate to relationships. I must confess God blessed you with this gift. Actually, I would be happy if you can help me with my own problem.
I live in Europe while my wife lives in Nigeria with her mother and my only son. The problem is that each time I have issues with her (my wife), she shouts at me and I’ve told her severally that I don’t like the way she shouts over the phone. Her mother is always supporting her and blaming me for everything. Consequently my wife has refused to change her ways.
The last time I visited Nigeria, we had a little problem at home, instead of finding a solution to the problem, my wife called her mother and her sister on the phone. When her mother arrived early in the morning, rather than find out what the problem is, she grabbed my shirt and slapped me the minute I opened the door for her.
Because of the problem it would cause in my marriage, I didn’t tell my family members about this incident.
Agatha, I love her so much but the love I have for her has been replaced with hate and revenge.
An issue came up while we were talking on the phone recently and she said she is fed up with the marriage. I don’t know if she said it out of anger but I am taking it seriously as I want to end the marriage as soon as possible.
Confused Hubby
Dear Confused Hubby,
Bad as the picture of your marriage appears to be, what is the other side? Are you sure you are not a problem too in this marriage? Why are you staying in Europe while your wife and son are in Nigeria? Are you living up to your responsibility as a father and a husband? What are her complains? Deep down, do you think they are valid or not serious enough to be given attention to? Why is she staying with her people and not your people? For how long did both of you date and how long have you been married? Has she always been like this or a recent development?
Marriage is a complex issue; one that requires utmost caution and wisdom to manage successfully. There is no way a marriage can degenerate to the level you have painted yours without an input from both of you. Granted, the fault maybe more on her side but you cannot exonerate yourself from what is happening in your marriage.
Although you didn’t say exactly what the issue is, chances are that your being away from each other is a major reason. Every woman wants to be by her husband especially a young woman. She is bound to be frustrated by your lack of presence in her life when she needs you or when your son starts acting funny. Being the one at home, your separation would affect her the more because she is the one that has to answer to malicious and embarrassing questions from people who would naturally wonder aloud when she is going to join you or the malicious kind from jealous friends who would ask her if sure you are not hiding something from her by her prolonged delay in joining you.
Being young and vulnerable to the various stories of what men and women who travel abroad are up to, she is bound to feel frustrated and edgy whenever you speak to each other on the phone. Don’t forget that while the permissiveness of the society favours you to engage in extra marital affairs, she dare not. So her anger and dissatisfaction with the current arrangement is transferred to you on the phone. Granted she maybe handling it wrongly but the fact remains that you should also consider her feelings and reasons. Ignore whatever her actions are telling you and listen to the message within.
Her mother is having all the advantage in the world to encourage her to misbehave because you unwittingly gave her the opportunity to do so. Once a woman gets married, she leaves her family nest to begin one of her own in her husband’s house. Her being away from you has made her more dependent on her mother and siblings especially as they are the ones accommodating her and your baby.
Frankly, there is no way these people will not continue to influence your marriage as long as she lives with them. There is no way you can claim authority over her because she doesn’t live under an accommodation of her own. You have to either ask her to go to your family or get her an accommodation of her own to wean her from the excessive control of her mother.
In the house you pay for, you can read out your rules, moderate the kind of interference you want in your marriage. Until you are ready to take full charge of your marriage, you will continue to experience the insolence and abuse of your mother-in-law.
Leaving your wife with them has exposed your vulnerability and weakness as a man to them. A little bit of distance between friends and family gives birth to premium respect. In a way, you exposed yourself to this. It is either a man is married or not. If you had taken charge of your marriage, she wouldn’t have been exposed fully to the challenge you are having in your marriage at all. And there is no way she would have dared come into your house to slap you; having been exposed to the measure of your ability by the reason of her housing your wife and son, she has figured you out hence the audacity of her action.
Now is the time for you to stamp your authority in this marriage. One of the ways to do this is to try to get the loyalty and respect of your wife. If you haven’t told her precisely what the situation is with you in your host country, please confide whatever challenges you are facing there. Let her know why she is still living in Nigeria and you living in Europe. If you have done it before, do it again. Don’t pretend life is rosy when it is not. Give her the choice to make up her mind by laying bare the facts concerning your well-being in your host country.
One of the reasons for her mother’s behaviour may not be unconnected with failed aspirations. To the average person in Nigeria, people who stay abroad are considered very comfortable. If you are therefore not meeting with the demands and expectations of your in-laws, chances are they would regret your association with their daughter and do everything to make you leave her so that someone who has enough money can come into her life.
If her mother was getting enough money from you, she won’t be rude and nasty to you. There is the need for you to correct the impression they have of your stay abroad. Let your wife know the financial challenges you are going through. I sense you are not being very truthful to them concerning your prospect in your host country. Let them know you are struggling and may not be in the position to meet all their financial challenges. Once your wife is aware that you don’t pick money on the streets of London, there is the tendency for her to cut down on some expectations from you.
Like I mentioned earlier, get an apartment for your wife. Tell her you want her and your son to move into a place you paid for; you would feel better knowing that she has the independence as a married woman to make her decisions. If anyone must stay with her, let it be someone from your own side of the family. In doing this, ensure she understands your limitation and what you hope to achieve for now.
Until she has the opportunity of living outside her family, she would never develop the maturity of handling her affairs without rushing to her mother or sister for solution.
As for her mother, your only business with her is respect because she is the mother of the woman you married; nothing more. The next time you have a disagreement with your wife and your mother-in-law tries to intervene, politely remind her that you and your wife are having a domestic problem and would appreciate if you are both left alone to resolve whatever the issue is.
Whatever your reasons for living apart from your wife, ensure it is resolved as soon as possible. Your marriage is still too young for both of you to live apart. This is the time your marriage needs bonding and stability. There is no way you can bond or be stable if you are living millions of miles away from her.
Your marriage and son are the unfortunate victims of this arrangement. If she says she is fed up, it may not be of you but of the situation that is forcing the two of you from living together.
Even if you divorce her and marry another woman, if the circumstances persist, you will face the same challenges from her.
The time has come for you to put your marriage into serious considerations. You must act before it is too late to save your marriage from collapse. There is a limit to what a marriage can tolerate.
Good luck.
Email: gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the way you handle issues that relate to relationships. I must confess God blessed you with this gift. Actually, I would be happy if you can help me with my own problem.
I live in Europe while my wife lives in Nigeria with her mother and my only son. The problem is that each time I have issues with her (my wife), she shouts at me and I’ve told her severally that I don’t like the way she shouts over the phone. Her mother is always supporting her and blaming me for everything. Consequently my wife has refused to change her ways.
The last time I visited Nigeria, we had a little problem at home, instead of finding a solution to the problem, my wife called her mother and her sister on the phone. When her mother arrived early in the morning, rather than find out what the problem is, she grabbed my shirt and slapped me the minute I opened the door for her.
Because of the problem it would cause in my marriage, I didn’t tell my family members about this incident.
Agatha, I love her so much but the love I have for her has been replaced with hate and revenge.
An issue came up while we were talking on the phone recently and she said she is fed up with the marriage. I don’t know if she said it out of anger but I am taking it seriously as I want to end the marriage as soon as possible.
Confused Hubby
Dear Confused Hubby,
Bad as the picture of your marriage appears to be, what is the other side? Are you sure you are not a problem too in this marriage? Why are you staying in Europe while your wife and son are in Nigeria? Are you living up to your responsibility as a father and a husband? What are her complains? Deep down, do you think they are valid or not serious enough to be given attention to? Why is she staying with her people and not your people? For how long did both of you date and how long have you been married? Has she always been like this or a recent development?
Marriage is a complex issue; one that requires utmost caution and wisdom to manage successfully. There is no way a marriage can degenerate to the level you have painted yours without an input from both of you. Granted, the fault maybe more on her side but you cannot exonerate yourself from what is happening in your marriage.
Although you didn’t say exactly what the issue is, chances are that your being away from each other is a major reason. Every woman wants to be by her husband especially a young woman. She is bound to be frustrated by your lack of presence in her life when she needs you or when your son starts acting funny. Being the one at home, your separation would affect her the more because she is the one that has to answer to malicious and embarrassing questions from people who would naturally wonder aloud when she is going to join you or the malicious kind from jealous friends who would ask her if sure you are not hiding something from her by her prolonged delay in joining you.
Being young and vulnerable to the various stories of what men and women who travel abroad are up to, she is bound to feel frustrated and edgy whenever you speak to each other on the phone. Don’t forget that while the permissiveness of the society favours you to engage in extra marital affairs, she dare not. So her anger and dissatisfaction with the current arrangement is transferred to you on the phone. Granted she maybe handling it wrongly but the fact remains that you should also consider her feelings and reasons. Ignore whatever her actions are telling you and listen to the message within.
Her mother is having all the advantage in the world to encourage her to misbehave because you unwittingly gave her the opportunity to do so. Once a woman gets married, she leaves her family nest to begin one of her own in her husband’s house. Her being away from you has made her more dependent on her mother and siblings especially as they are the ones accommodating her and your baby.
Frankly, there is no way these people will not continue to influence your marriage as long as she lives with them. There is no way you can claim authority over her because she doesn’t live under an accommodation of her own. You have to either ask her to go to your family or get her an accommodation of her own to wean her from the excessive control of her mother.
In the house you pay for, you can read out your rules, moderate the kind of interference you want in your marriage. Until you are ready to take full charge of your marriage, you will continue to experience the insolence and abuse of your mother-in-law.
Leaving your wife with them has exposed your vulnerability and weakness as a man to them. A little bit of distance between friends and family gives birth to premium respect. In a way, you exposed yourself to this. It is either a man is married or not. If you had taken charge of your marriage, she wouldn’t have been exposed fully to the challenge you are having in your marriage at all. And there is no way she would have dared come into your house to slap you; having been exposed to the measure of your ability by the reason of her housing your wife and son, she has figured you out hence the audacity of her action.
Now is the time for you to stamp your authority in this marriage. One of the ways to do this is to try to get the loyalty and respect of your wife. If you haven’t told her precisely what the situation is with you in your host country, please confide whatever challenges you are facing there. Let her know why she is still living in Nigeria and you living in Europe. If you have done it before, do it again. Don’t pretend life is rosy when it is not. Give her the choice to make up her mind by laying bare the facts concerning your well-being in your host country.
One of the reasons for her mother’s behaviour may not be unconnected with failed aspirations. To the average person in Nigeria, people who stay abroad are considered very comfortable. If you are therefore not meeting with the demands and expectations of your in-laws, chances are they would regret your association with their daughter and do everything to make you leave her so that someone who has enough money can come into her life.
If her mother was getting enough money from you, she won’t be rude and nasty to you. There is the need for you to correct the impression they have of your stay abroad. Let your wife know the financial challenges you are going through. I sense you are not being very truthful to them concerning your prospect in your host country. Let them know you are struggling and may not be in the position to meet all their financial challenges. Once your wife is aware that you don’t pick money on the streets of London, there is the tendency for her to cut down on some expectations from you.
Like I mentioned earlier, get an apartment for your wife. Tell her you want her and your son to move into a place you paid for; you would feel better knowing that she has the independence as a married woman to make her decisions. If anyone must stay with her, let it be someone from your own side of the family. In doing this, ensure she understands your limitation and what you hope to achieve for now.
Until she has the opportunity of living outside her family, she would never develop the maturity of handling her affairs without rushing to her mother or sister for solution.
As for her mother, your only business with her is respect because she is the mother of the woman you married; nothing more. The next time you have a disagreement with your wife and your mother-in-law tries to intervene, politely remind her that you and your wife are having a domestic problem and would appreciate if you are both left alone to resolve whatever the issue is.
Whatever your reasons for living apart from your wife, ensure it is resolved as soon as possible. Your marriage is still too young for both of you to live apart. This is the time your marriage needs bonding and stability. There is no way you can bond or be stable if you are living millions of miles away from her.
Your marriage and son are the unfortunate victims of this arrangement. If she says she is fed up, it may not be of you but of the situation that is forcing the two of you from living together.
Even if you divorce her and marry another woman, if the circumstances persist, you will face the same challenges from her.
The time has come for you to put your marriage into serious considerations. You must act before it is too late to save your marriage from collapse. There is a limit to what a marriage can tolerate.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
She wants our wedding shelved till after her NYSC…
Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a 26-year-old economist with a good job. I am involved with this girl, 21 years and in her final year. We met a year ago and looking forward to our wedding. We also made a vow not to have sex until after our wedding ceremony. Sincerely, I’ve been under pressure from my parents who insist everything should be completed by December. Her mother was a good friend of mine before she died last year. Her daddy is too stern to talk about her marriage. I am also constantly being tempted by the female folks around me. Things aren’t getting better.
Recently, my girlfriend came back from school with a change of plan. She demanded we shelve our wedding plans until she comes back from her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) year, which would be around 2013. Reason, she doesn’t want people to say she’s hurrying. All attempts to make her see that people’s opinion is not the standard for life have not yielded much result.
I find it difficult to continue this way. Don’t know what to do. Should I keep her or go ahead and pick another girl? I really love this girl and don’t want to lose her. Someone suggested abstaining from sex before marriage is old fashioned. Could that be what’s playing up here?
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
The real question is: are you both really in this relationship because you are truly in love with each other or coaxed into it by the relationship between your mothers?
You can only have a meaningful relationship if your feelings for each other come from your hearts, if your love for each other is deep and truthful. There is no way she would have the same kind of commitment you expect from a woman you want to marry if she is doing out of a sense of duty to the memory of her late mother.
Secondly at 21, marriage may not be what she wants from life now. Asking you to defer your plans until she comes back from her service year is to give her time to be sure before committing herself to you finally.
Accede to her demands because at the end of the day, it would help both of you determine what is of importance to you now. Don’t get married because your parents are pressurising you into it, do it because you have found the right woman and are convinced that it is what you want to do.
The fact that you are already contemplating replacing her with one of the women around you is worrisome and to a large extent justifies the nagging fears of this young woman.
Then replacing her with another woman, if she doesn’t fall into your plans, should not have been the first thing on your mind. A more matured man and one who is in love would opt for discussions as well as compromises. You would have listened to her reasons, fears and given her all the assurances she is silently asking for. Rather than think of dropping her for another woman, what you should have found out from her is why she is developing cold feet.
If you really are thinking of marriage now, you still have a long way to go in the handling of a woman and her concomitant emotions.
Marriage is about discussions, sacrifices, selflessness as well as support. No major earthquake would happen if you don’t marry her immediately. Don’t make it look as if you are forcing her into marrying you. You may be ready but she isn’t. There is no way you can ever enjoy marriage to her in this state.
Ideally a bride to be happy with the choice of her heart would not want distance to separate her from her man, would do everything possible to ensure she is posted close to her man. Insisting she goes away from you for a while should alert you that all isn’t well with your plans for each other. A young lady who recently lost her mother would be more than happy to be with her man.
Take your cue from her, and do a deep thinking. Ensure you are not living the dreams of your parents but yours. Also reflect on your feelings for her as well as your true readiness to be a married man.
This isn’t your parents’ dream but yours. As a man ready for marriage you should, by now, know what you want as well as the boldness to declare it to anybody. It could be her source of concern that you are not man enough to manage your own home.
She could be afraid she is marrying your parents and not you. Her demand is for you to be sure. Engage her in a deep and thought provoking discussion. At his critical stage, don’t be afraid to bring up an issue that you are not comfortable with.
Ignore your friend. Everything doesn’t have to boil down to sex or lack of it. The issue at hand is more serious than the trivial issue of whether or not you are sleeping with her. You would be insulting her person, her reasons and your integrity as a man if you follow the thinking of your friend. The issue at hand is more serious than that.
It is always best to spend extra time getting the right texture and heat for a gold than rush the process and come out with a very sorry result. Marriage is premium gold that requires the patience and craft of the goldsmith to get it right. Patience is time consuming. In your shoes, I would let her go for her service year. Don’t be afraid if she were yours, she would definitely come back to you with so much happiness and enthusiasm to spend the rest of her life with you. The things we treasure the most are those things that demand more sacrifices from us.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a 26-year-old economist with a good job. I am involved with this girl, 21 years and in her final year. We met a year ago and looking forward to our wedding. We also made a vow not to have sex until after our wedding ceremony. Sincerely, I’ve been under pressure from my parents who insist everything should be completed by December. Her mother was a good friend of mine before she died last year. Her daddy is too stern to talk about her marriage. I am also constantly being tempted by the female folks around me. Things aren’t getting better.
Recently, my girlfriend came back from school with a change of plan. She demanded we shelve our wedding plans until she comes back from her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) year, which would be around 2013. Reason, she doesn’t want people to say she’s hurrying. All attempts to make her see that people’s opinion is not the standard for life have not yielded much result.
I find it difficult to continue this way. Don’t know what to do. Should I keep her or go ahead and pick another girl? I really love this girl and don’t want to lose her. Someone suggested abstaining from sex before marriage is old fashioned. Could that be what’s playing up here?
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
The real question is: are you both really in this relationship because you are truly in love with each other or coaxed into it by the relationship between your mothers?
You can only have a meaningful relationship if your feelings for each other come from your hearts, if your love for each other is deep and truthful. There is no way she would have the same kind of commitment you expect from a woman you want to marry if she is doing out of a sense of duty to the memory of her late mother.
Secondly at 21, marriage may not be what she wants from life now. Asking you to defer your plans until she comes back from her service year is to give her time to be sure before committing herself to you finally.
Accede to her demands because at the end of the day, it would help both of you determine what is of importance to you now. Don’t get married because your parents are pressurising you into it, do it because you have found the right woman and are convinced that it is what you want to do.
The fact that you are already contemplating replacing her with one of the women around you is worrisome and to a large extent justifies the nagging fears of this young woman.
Then replacing her with another woman, if she doesn’t fall into your plans, should not have been the first thing on your mind. A more matured man and one who is in love would opt for discussions as well as compromises. You would have listened to her reasons, fears and given her all the assurances she is silently asking for. Rather than think of dropping her for another woman, what you should have found out from her is why she is developing cold feet.
If you really are thinking of marriage now, you still have a long way to go in the handling of a woman and her concomitant emotions.
Marriage is about discussions, sacrifices, selflessness as well as support. No major earthquake would happen if you don’t marry her immediately. Don’t make it look as if you are forcing her into marrying you. You may be ready but she isn’t. There is no way you can ever enjoy marriage to her in this state.
Ideally a bride to be happy with the choice of her heart would not want distance to separate her from her man, would do everything possible to ensure she is posted close to her man. Insisting she goes away from you for a while should alert you that all isn’t well with your plans for each other. A young lady who recently lost her mother would be more than happy to be with her man.
Take your cue from her, and do a deep thinking. Ensure you are not living the dreams of your parents but yours. Also reflect on your feelings for her as well as your true readiness to be a married man.
This isn’t your parents’ dream but yours. As a man ready for marriage you should, by now, know what you want as well as the boldness to declare it to anybody. It could be her source of concern that you are not man enough to manage your own home.
She could be afraid she is marrying your parents and not you. Her demand is for you to be sure. Engage her in a deep and thought provoking discussion. At his critical stage, don’t be afraid to bring up an issue that you are not comfortable with.
Ignore your friend. Everything doesn’t have to boil down to sex or lack of it. The issue at hand is more serious than the trivial issue of whether or not you are sleeping with her. You would be insulting her person, her reasons and your integrity as a man if you follow the thinking of your friend. The issue at hand is more serious than that.
It is always best to spend extra time getting the right texture and heat for a gold than rush the process and come out with a very sorry result. Marriage is premium gold that requires the patience and craft of the goldsmith to get it right. Patience is time consuming. In your shoes, I would let her go for her service year. Don’t be afraid if she were yours, she would definitely come back to you with so much happiness and enthusiasm to spend the rest of her life with you. The things we treasure the most are those things that demand more sacrifices from us.
Good luck.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Badly need man, but he’s younger, widower
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Sincerely, I always appreciate the gift of God in your life.
I would like to seek your opinion on this matter. I am a Christian lady who has been praying for who to marry for years now. I will clock 40 this year. I have total assurance that this is my year.
At the beginning of this year, an old man who had been separated from his wife approached me for marriage, which I totally disagree to.
Not quite long, a friend introduced me to a brother who told me many things about his past, he is also separated from his wife although younger than I am, but he doesn’t know because I am blessed with fine looks.
He hasn’t taken legal step to terminate the marriage, but has plans to do so. His wife started misbehaving because she couldn’t conceive after three years of marriage and eventually left him.
The Bible says male and female He created them from the beginning. A man shall leave his father and mother not his former wife.
My friend is definite I will not have problem with him. Could that be my male?
Rinsola
Dear Rinsola,
How honest are you to yourself? If at 40 you don’t have an idea of what you want from life when will you?
Are you considering this man because he is younger than the old man? If your reason for not marrying the first man is because he is separated from his wife shouldn’t this younger man also be disqualified by you also?
Frankly, you will never know the will of God for you until you are prepared to be straightforward.
To help yourself find happiness, answer this question. Is your reservation because the Bible as you quoted hates divorce or because you are choosy?
First and foremost, even though the Bible is against divorce, it also goes ahead to give condition on which a couple can divorce. It says when a person marries an unbeliever and that person decides to go, the one left behind can remarry as long as he or she marries a believer. So there are conditions attached to everything we do in this world.
The journey of life is one that requires godly wisdom to navigate to safety. The Bible is such a complete book that requires so much understanding and intimacy with its author to comprehend as well as appreciate.
You don’t have age on your side and if you haven’t told the truth to yourself before, this is the time for you to begin to look at the many mistakes you have made along the road.
It is either you have made up your mind not to entertain a divorcee at all because of your religious beliefs or do yourself a world of good by being factual with your situation and choices.
A wise woman would not just dismiss these guys but would listen to their reasons for their divorce. What happened between the marriages of these men and their wives? The gospel truth about life is that not every marriage would work, because at the time of their conception, God wasn’t invited into it. A lot of couples got married for the wrong reasons and if they are not smart enough to go back to God for assistance in mending the wrong bends, such marriages will eventually collapse.
Find out what the situation is between these men and the women they were once married to. Ask questions to find out where the fault came from as well as the chances of reconciliation between these men and their estrange wives.
If there is a chance that both of them may come back, don’t venture into it. But if the separation is conclusive and the man has the support of his children to remarry, you could consider it as long as you have prayed about it.
Furthermore you must learn to tell the truth at all times. From your mail, it is obvious that the younger man has stirred something inside of you and that you are secretly considering him even though he is a divorcee. However, it would be unfair to go into anything with him without telling him the truth about your age. Give him the right to decide whether he would still go ahead with you or not. Your friend could be right that you would not have problems with him, but if you begin your relationship on a note of untruths or half truths, there is no way you won’t have problems with him.
If you deceive him into going into a relationship without telling him your actual age, chances are he would eventually leave you more hurt and disillusioned.
Irrespective of how young you may look, fact is you are older than he is. So do the right thing by telling him how old you really are. Honestly, if he eventually finds out that you lied about your age, he would find it very difficult to trust you again. Without trust no relationship can survive the accompanying challenges of two strangers coming together.
One of the important lessons of life is to admit to your weakness and strength at all times. Don’t follow the bandwagon if it doesn’t work for you. Learn to stand to be counted on the side of your strength at all time to avoid being blamed for doing what you think is right. You have to learn the uniqueness that is you to avoid irreparable damage down the road. Listen more to that tiny voice inside of you than the cacophony around you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Sincerely, I always appreciate the gift of God in your life.
I would like to seek your opinion on this matter. I am a Christian lady who has been praying for who to marry for years now. I will clock 40 this year. I have total assurance that this is my year.
At the beginning of this year, an old man who had been separated from his wife approached me for marriage, which I totally disagree to.
Not quite long, a friend introduced me to a brother who told me many things about his past, he is also separated from his wife although younger than I am, but he doesn’t know because I am blessed with fine looks.
He hasn’t taken legal step to terminate the marriage, but has plans to do so. His wife started misbehaving because she couldn’t conceive after three years of marriage and eventually left him.
The Bible says male and female He created them from the beginning. A man shall leave his father and mother not his former wife.
My friend is definite I will not have problem with him. Could that be my male?
Rinsola
Dear Rinsola,
How honest are you to yourself? If at 40 you don’t have an idea of what you want from life when will you?
Are you considering this man because he is younger than the old man? If your reason for not marrying the first man is because he is separated from his wife shouldn’t this younger man also be disqualified by you also?
Frankly, you will never know the will of God for you until you are prepared to be straightforward.
To help yourself find happiness, answer this question. Is your reservation because the Bible as you quoted hates divorce or because you are choosy?
First and foremost, even though the Bible is against divorce, it also goes ahead to give condition on which a couple can divorce. It says when a person marries an unbeliever and that person decides to go, the one left behind can remarry as long as he or she marries a believer. So there are conditions attached to everything we do in this world.
The journey of life is one that requires godly wisdom to navigate to safety. The Bible is such a complete book that requires so much understanding and intimacy with its author to comprehend as well as appreciate.
You don’t have age on your side and if you haven’t told the truth to yourself before, this is the time for you to begin to look at the many mistakes you have made along the road.
It is either you have made up your mind not to entertain a divorcee at all because of your religious beliefs or do yourself a world of good by being factual with your situation and choices.
A wise woman would not just dismiss these guys but would listen to their reasons for their divorce. What happened between the marriages of these men and their wives? The gospel truth about life is that not every marriage would work, because at the time of their conception, God wasn’t invited into it. A lot of couples got married for the wrong reasons and if they are not smart enough to go back to God for assistance in mending the wrong bends, such marriages will eventually collapse.
Find out what the situation is between these men and the women they were once married to. Ask questions to find out where the fault came from as well as the chances of reconciliation between these men and their estrange wives.
If there is a chance that both of them may come back, don’t venture into it. But if the separation is conclusive and the man has the support of his children to remarry, you could consider it as long as you have prayed about it.
Furthermore you must learn to tell the truth at all times. From your mail, it is obvious that the younger man has stirred something inside of you and that you are secretly considering him even though he is a divorcee. However, it would be unfair to go into anything with him without telling him the truth about your age. Give him the right to decide whether he would still go ahead with you or not. Your friend could be right that you would not have problems with him, but if you begin your relationship on a note of untruths or half truths, there is no way you won’t have problems with him.
If you deceive him into going into a relationship without telling him your actual age, chances are he would eventually leave you more hurt and disillusioned.
Irrespective of how young you may look, fact is you are older than he is. So do the right thing by telling him how old you really are. Honestly, if he eventually finds out that you lied about your age, he would find it very difficult to trust you again. Without trust no relationship can survive the accompanying challenges of two strangers coming together.
One of the important lessons of life is to admit to your weakness and strength at all times. Don’t follow the bandwagon if it doesn’t work for you. Learn to stand to be counted on the side of your strength at all time to avoid being blamed for doing what you think is right. You have to learn the uniqueness that is you to avoid irreparable damage down the road. Listen more to that tiny voice inside of you than the cacophony around you.
Good luck.
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