Dear Agatha,
After a long wait and search, I recently met a man I am interested in enough to contemplate marriage with. Although he isn’t my ideal man, but I have grown over the years, to be able to look beyond the physical appearance of a man, to what he is inside.
Honestly, in times past, I wouldn’t be caught dead with this man, let alone consider him as a husband, but like I said, a lot has happened to me in life. At 33, age isn’t exactly on my side and with majority of my friends already married; I have been forced to re-arrange my priority, with being finicky about the physical presentation of a man being the least.
Lets say, I have outgrown the age of illusion, and had transited to the age of reality; which is why his insistence I get pregnant before we fix a wedding date is driving the daggers into my heart. I have known him for only six months, and right from the beginning, he hasn’t hidden his desire to have me permanently in his life, considering that he too has stayed on the shelf for too long. He is in his early 40s.
I have tried to argue the point with him, but he insists he cannot afford the mistake of marrying without the woman first getting pregnant.
When I asked him about love, his declaration is that certain things are inexplicable, and that his desire for me to get pregnant has nothing to do with his feelings for me.
Agatha, having waited this long, I feel I deserve love. I can’t help this feeling that he isn’t really interested in me for myself, but only sees as an appropriate woman to, as well as someone to bear his children.
I am so confused. Some of my friends say there is nothing wrong in what he is asking of me, while others think it is wrong. Deep down, I don’t feel it is right too. I have never, ever planned to become pregnant before marriage.
What do I do? I am so confused. He wants us to get married as soon as I get pregnant. He is making me feel deep inside me that given my age, I don’t have a lot of choices, hence, must do as he says. Agatha, to be candid, what choices do I have at 33? Wouldn’t it be simpler to give in to his demands and get on with our married life? Like I said, I am so confused.
Ladun.
Dear Ladun,Being married is more than having children together, and one of the easiest things to achieve in a marriage is to make babies. Unfortunately, it takes a whole load of efforts to give those children the right foundation than it takes to bring them into the world. A lot of inputs are required to give those children a good life and keep them happy. Without a united home and happy parents, these children he is asking for will never have the type of life they deserve.
From the tone of your letter, it is obvious both of you are applying individual approach to an issue that requires joint inputs from both of you.
Why does he want you to get pregnant? Any particular reason? Still, take time out to listen to his reasons, no matter how vexatious his reasons may sound to you. Listening to him doesn’t automatically mean you are about to submit to his wishes, but it’s a way to demonstrate your willingness to subject every issue between you to discussions. In getting him to talk sincerely about it, you have to listen to his real reasons; understand the fears he isn’t saying out loud, as well as navigate things towards an amicable settlement.
Listening to him, offers you too, an opportunity to talk about your anger without getting angry; get him to listen to you without anger and stubbornness in his heart. Such discussion opens up to you a new way of getting issues resolved without suspicion, anger and stubbornness. This way, you are able to talk frankly about your own fears, especially. For instance, rather than fret silently over what would happen to the relationship should you be unable to conceive quickly, raise the scenario during your discuss with him.
The creed of a successful marriage is premised on honesty, wisdom, patience, tolerance and boldness. There is no way both of you would be able to make a good decision without first coming out with your fears, anger and frustrations.
You should be able to bring up the issue of love and friendship in this arrangement that appears to you to have been contracted by him primarily for baby making. Anger would only make him defensive, but dialogue will enable him talk sincerely about why he wants things done his way. Your cue as his wife to be, is to always find ways of ensuring you express those views that are potentially inimical to the growth of your relationship.
Let him understand your fears about the uncertainty of his proposition, that marriage isn’t about sampling the future, but about risks. Marriage is premised on promise (hope), something we don’t see, but which we belief in and are willing to take the risks to realise.
Asking you to have a baby is another way of telling you that he doesn’t belief in the promises he is making to you. Insisting you do it before he walks you down the aisle is asking you to perish any hope you might have built round his promises, and on the declaration of his intentions to spend the rest of his life with you. To do it his way, would risk causing yourself pains.
To help him understand your feelings about his insistence that you take in before he sets a date, ask him how he would feel, if you insist too that he shows you physical prove like his bank statement and property, as evidences of his ability to care for you and the children. Tell him that is what he is trying to make you do by telling you to get pregnant first. You have to find a subtle way of getting him to think beyond his world, his sentiments and reason with you. He has to see you as his woman, his proposed better half, and the marriage you are both planning, as one without guarantees of money back when things don’t work according to plan.
He has to know that marriage is finding a friend; one who supports and encourages his or partner to incredible heights. He has to know that a couple can be blessed with children, yet failed to find the happiness required to live together as two adults. He has to discover your strength as a woman, your uniqueness, as well as the necessity of spending the rest of his life with you. If you fight him on account of this, you would be like all the other women he has met in his life.
Sincerely, quarrelling with him would not change him; rather, it would only destroy whatever chances you both have of making this thing work between you.
You also have to make him see that you are a reasonable woman, one who is ready to meet him more than half way to make him happy. You have to point out that he has to learn to trust your past, just as you are willing to trust his, and that babies are not ordered like goods from the supermarket, but given by God as symbols of His love and trust.
However, if he insists, you have to make the ultimate choice of the many ifs attached to his demands. If after becoming pregnant something happens to the pregnancy after the wedding what are your chances with him? If in that event, you are unable to take in thereafter, what are the assurances he would not get another woman to give him what you cannot give? Importantly, do you think he has what it takes to endure the unforeseen circumstances like you being childless for instance?
Besides, there is the issue of compatibility in terms of having the right temperament and attitude. From what you know of him, is he responsible, respectful, selfless, understanding, compassionate, understanding, caring, supportive, and, a friend?
Do you see yourself being able to live with the person he is throughout your life? These are concerns more important than the issue of babies. Without you two being able to achieve uniformity in these areas, your marriage may not be able to survive the attendant storms. Where would that leave the children?
Whatever, some developments in or lives are God’s way of telling us to pray more and trust Him further. If God says he is yours, this storm would pass, but if He has other plans for you, despite what you consider the limitation of your age, the right man meant to give you the happiness that has eluded you all these years would come.
In matters of marriage, it is best to leave the decision to God.
Good luck.
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