Friday, February 13, 2009

At 44, Still Not Man Enough To Face Tomorrow


Dear Agatha,


I am 38 in a relationship with a man who is 44. Our relationship is almost 18 years old. It has gone through a lot of challenges; survived unfaithfulness on his part, endured painful choices as well as decisions, suffered set backs occasioned by the rejections of his parents over the choice of me as his woman, triumphed such rejections and difficult times.


For me, it has not been easy coping with him because he has been and remains his mother's son. Even as she clocks 75, she is still very much in control of his life. Because of the love I have for him I have learnt to cope. Besides, after 18 years, where do I begin again?


Twice we proposed to marry but the first date was cancelled by his mother who insisted, we didn't give her enough time to prepare; the second time was also cancelled because it conflicted with the elder sister's wedding plans. Between the times, we have been dating till date, I have taken in thrice and had all of them aborted on his insistence. The last one was particularly a painful decision for me because I thought he would be happy but he came up with the same old excuse of not wanting to have a child outside wedlock and how his mother would never approve of him having a child outside wedlock.


There was nothing I didn't do or say to make him allow me to keep the baby and since I didn't want a baby nobody but me would love, I consented to his request but not without allowing him to see my hurt, doubts and pains.


Now, I am pregnant again and he is telling me to abort it. Again! Our wedding is fixed for December this year. He wants me to wait until after the wedding before getting pregnant.


That he is asking me to abort it is not the news but that it would affect our wedding plans if I don't since his mother would never allow him marry me once I go against her wish of having a baby before the wedding date.


At 38, going to 39, I am nearing my end of reproductive years. I cannot afford to abort this pregnancy again. What is causing me so much pain is his refusal to even consider my point of view. For the 18 years we have been together, I have heard nothing but my mother says and my mother thinks. What about what I feel, say or think? Don't my feelings matter at all?


Being an ardent reader of your column, I have learnt to be patient and sacrifice like you always preach but it seems it is not working at all. I am so confused since her mother has refused to talk to me following my insistence that I want to keep the pregnancy.


Haven't I been patient enough? We are both well educated and have good jobs. There is nothing we cannot afford to buy or do with our money but he seems very scared of making any form of commitment to me.


I have tried finding out what the problem is? All our friends we started out together in life are all married and having children, some of whom are already in the university. I feel so ancient and fearful that this relationship may not work out at all because he doesn't seem to have a mind of his own.


My family, particularly my mother is fed up. She thinks this relationship is doomed and that I should quit with the pregnancy which she says is my compensation for the number of years I have wasted on him. She is also worried that he is under a strong spiritual warfare that would never allow me to enjoy the marriage even if I force myself on the man.


I am so confused and don't know what to do about the situation. All our friends that have tried to talk to him have gone away very disappointed at him. He insists I must first abort the pregnancy before he can talk to me. When asked why, he says, that is what his mother wants. How can I get over this? How do I battle a mother who has refused to let her son grow into a man of his own at 44? How do I continue to love a man who doesn't care about me or what I feel?


Please help me before I become insane with worry and pain. Where do I begin the process of a relationship again at 38? Their father died when my boyfriend and his other two sisters where very young. In fact, he died when his younger sister was only three days old. So there is nobody I can go and report her to as none of their father's people or hers come around her because of her attitude.


Tutu.




Dear Tutu,


Believe me when I say I understand every squeeze of pain you are going through. But this I can tell you with the confidence of one who has been through very difficult times and have survived; that God is very much in charge and knows how to turn this around to your favour some day, and very soon.


The worst kind of thing that can happen to any woman is to have a man who has refused to leave the nest of his mother. Mothers would always fret over their children but the decision to grow up or not is entirely the child's to make. You cannot blame the mother of your man for his refusal to grow. He is hanging on to his mother's apron string because he is afraid of responsibility. He is only using his mother to shy away from answering to his duties as a man or father.


If he were that afraid of his mother's opinion, how come he is able to make love to you without fear of being scolded by his mother? Since his mother is determined not to have a grandchild outside wedlock, she should have insisted he remained a virgin until he grows matured enough to marry.


At 38 going to 39, you are right to be apprehensive because the biological clock of the woman diminishes every new day. At your age, you don't have too many choices but to keep this child. Because we are not God and don't know what tomorrow holds, this could be your 'last chance' at getting pregnant in life. And with a mother like his there is no telling what would happen if you are unable to get pregnant on demand by the time they are ready. With people who like playing God with the lives of other people, there is no telling what harm and mischief they can do when things are not going their way.


Since you have the financial stability to care for yourself and the baby, the best thing is for you to allow him be. I know all about the pains associated with wondering if a particular decision is the right one but I assure you, until this man grows up to face his challenges as well as responsibilities as a man, there is little you can do to make him change. Any attempt to force him to grow up before he is ready would only injure you the more. Until he is ready to grow up there is nothing you can do to make him do what he is expected to do at his age.

And, if what you say about his mother is anything to go by, he won't be ready until after the death of his mother. It would take persistent prayers on your part to make him realise he is under the bondage of his mother.


So, you have two choices to leave him for now until the spell is broken or insist on staying in his life, while you engage the powers determined to destroy his life in a spiritual battle. To do this, you must be strong in prayers as well as bury all fears of all challenges that come from such spiritual encounters.


In fairness to the mother, she may have been made blind to the destruction she is bringing on her son. In an ideal situation, no mother would want her 44-year old son to be unmarried and without a family at his age. A normal mother would go out of her way to ensure a woman engages him at all cost, not to encourage the destruction of an 18 year old relationship that should have ended in marriage long before now. To think she is even supporting the son to terminate pregnancies in such a relationship leaves much to be desired.


How prepared are you to battle these complexities in a spiritual warfare? Are you convinced that he is under some sort of spell like your mother suggested?


Before you go into this battle, if that is the choice you have made, let me underscore one important point: the influence of the mother over her child is always too strong to ignore. When a mother is determined to sit atop her child's affairs, it would take the special grace of God to unseat her because of her biological role in the life of a child. So, hers is a different kind of spiritual influence hence the battle stronger than the average battle. Not only did she carry him in her womb for nine months, but she gave him his milk of life.


Your man's mother may not necessarily have any other power but her natural powers over her children are more than enough challenge for any woman who wants to marry her son to contend with. Besides, having played the role of a father and mother for too long, she has gone past the borderline of caution, and of letting go. The battle would have been easier for you to fight if your man is matured enough to make the distinction between his mother and his life; if he were able to tell his mother what point she is allowed to interfere in his life and the areas she must keep her opinions to herself.


Sincerely, this is a very complex battle which may not be worth it at the end of the day especially if the mother has influenced her eldest daughter too, to continue in her attitude. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. To force yourself on this man against the wishes of God, is simply to make yourself suffer emotional hardships.


Forget the number of years you have put in, much as it hurts, you cannot undo the past. Concentrate on having this child and giving it the best you can afford. A day would come in the future when this man would realise the damage his mother has caused him and come back to you.


Your hope is not with anyone but with God. Go to Him in prayers. He would definitely compensate you. Knowing the end from the beginning, He sees what you don't see and why He wants things to go this way. Despite your pains, celebrate the mercy as well as the gift of this child. When God is ready to make you smile, your age would not matter to the plans He has for you.


Good luck.