Before I Lose My Parlour-lover To Intruder Lady

Dear Agatha,

I have got a problem with my boyfriend who lives in the same compound as me. For a long time, he pressured me into dating him. Eventually I agreed to a relationship with him leading to his deflowering me.

There is this particular lady who comes to visit him but he told me she is simply a friend but she stays up to one week when she visits.

This development is hurting me more than I ever imagined because I love him so much. As things are now between us, I don't know what to do; whether to leave him or continue to endure the situation. Please help me!

Hurting Heart.

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Dear Hurting Heart,

You took a gamble at love and lost it. This man has no intention of leaving the other lady for you. If he had, he wouldn't encourage the other lady to come visit him, let alone stay for several days in his house. That he sees nothing wrong in harbouring the other lady in his apartment for all to see, underscores his feelings for you or how much you are hurt by the development.

A man who doesn't care how his actions hurt you or what you feel isn't worth investing your love on. He would only end up hurting you the more.

You obviously didn't investigate him very well or simply took his words of love on the literary level. Besides, being in the same compound should have given you a notion about him, had you listened to the voice of reasons. Since there is no way you can lie about not knowing another woman exists in his life. This lady is certainly not a recent development. From the grounds she has covered, it is crystal clear she existed before you, something you knew about because you share the same compound.

If you want to be truthful, you thought giving him your virginity would give you the ace over this lady; edge her out for you to come in. I agree you may truly be in love with him but I doubts if the feeling is reciprocal.

Frankly, you would have had reasons to fight because the choice to sleep with him or not was one you made of your own freewill. You had the option of declining his pressure like some girls do but you offered him yourself because you wanted, you cannot hold him to it or expect it to make the difference in the way he feels about you or the other woman, for that matter.

If you are honest enough to examine your motive for granting him access into your body, you would realise that he didn't take what you didn't offer him neither did he have to get you to compromise your womanhood on false promises. You did mean it as a bride, a form of pressure to make him do your bidding. Not every man is scrupulous enough to resist such temptation. The majority of men would jump at such an offer with joy, not because they intend it to cause pains but because men are hunters by nature. They have nothing to protect whereas the woman has everything to lose, hence woman protects all. If there is an underlining lesson here, it is not to attempt to bribe your way to a man's heart with your body. It is the woman that ends up the victim.

I appreciate that you are hurting so much but the best you can do for yourself now is to allow him and his other woman be. While we can lie to others, it is only the foolish mind that lies to him or herself.

Move on. Like I said earlier, you took a gamble which didn't work out. It takes more than virginity to keep a relationship well-oiled. Staying on would only demean you the more. When the right man comes, you won't labour to keep him interested in you.

Good luck.

At 35, Can He Endure More Years Before Marriage?

Dear Agatha,

I am 21 years of age and have benefited tremendously from reading your responses daily. There is a man presently in my life who is deeply in love with me and who I am also in love with. He has asked me to marry him and I told him to hold on till I am in my 300 Level in the university.

Presently, I am waiting to be admitted into the Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria.

Agatha, he has given me the assurances that he would not stop me from pursuing my education after our marriage.

What do you think I should do? He is determined not to leave me no matter the circumstances.

My other major worry is that he is 35 years of age. Don't you think he is too old for me?

Joy.

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Dear Joy,

Beyond your desire to have a good education, what are your real fears? Sometimes, the excuse we give may not be the real reason we are apprehensive of a situation. Is the age difference between the two of you the real reason you are hesitant?

Having a clear and honest picture of what the real issues are remains the only way for you to resolve this puzzle in your life.

For some people, love may not be the essential for them. Other considerations may overshadow what they feel. In your case, you are worried about the huge age differences.

Can you deal with that? Can you cope with the insinuation people always give when a young girl is dating an older man? Are you apprehensive that you may only get to discover your true self after you enter the university and that being married to this man, would put paid to any desire to explore your true nature?

Deep down, do you really love him, more than enough to ignore whatever others think or say due to his age? To parade him as you would do to a younger man nearer your age group without feeling all eyes are judging or laughing at your choice? To laugh with him and at him without fearing that you may have hurt his pride? To give him all the respect he deserves despite being involved with you?

Do you love him for himself or for the things you are getting from him? What do you love most about him? Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? When you look at him do you see a man who is 14 years older than you or the ideal man of your dream, a timeless man who would keep you ever happy?

Ideally, once he has given you his word that he wouldn't interfere with your desire to have a good education and ready to give you all his support after marriage, you should not be apprehensive at all.

That is if you trust each other well enough and are willing to endure the inconveniencies of managing and growing a family in addition to going to school. For you in particular it isn't going to be a bed of roses which means you must be prepared from this early stage to learn the rudiments of effective combinations of all your duties perfectly.

In rejecting his proposal it is pertinent you consider his age. At 35, he doesn't have the luxury of time for him to wait for you to get admission, get to 300 Level before you think of marriage. If things go according to your plan, that is a total of four years. Add these to his 35 years of age and it brings his years to 39 which could be more if your admission quest into the university doesn't fall through. By the time the babies start coming he would be well into middle age. You would only be robbing the children and him of the number of years they ought to have together.

His concern for the future, the welfare of the children could be why he is insisting on him getting married to you now besides the uncertain of the future. He is the one who stands to lose more if this relationship falls apart because not only does he have no age on his part, it would take a long time for him to settle down sufficiently with a lady before he can talk of marrying her.

Sincerely, you are the one with all the aces in this relationship. Should this relationship collapse today, you still have more than enough time to begin again and still clock quality time tending to the children.

If you love this man, don't be rigid. You have to make certain sacrifices for him too. Telling you he would allow you continue your education is his sacrifice to this relationship. Don't forget too that like you, the age difference is also bothering him. Until the day you officially becomes his, he would continue to nurse a secret fear within him. Besides, seeing some of his mates already settled with their own families is a sort of psychological pressure on its own. We get to an age when the loneliness closes in, when all we want is the warmth and presence of our own family. He is at that delicate age when loneliness mocks and with his fiancÈe 14 years his junior, you can bet the jibes and sneers of those around him. Many people are simply waiting for a chance to tell him 'I told you this relationship won't work.'

Insisting you have to go that far in the university only help to make him so vulnerable. Frankly, when a man gets this susceptible, he is liable to making hasty decision to protect himself from the fears gripping his heart.

This is the time he needs you the most, for you to assure him of your loyalty, tell him you are willing to meet him half way. If both of you put the interest of the other first, I am sure you would come to a realistic decision that would be agreeable to both of you.

On your own, pray for the wisdom of God. It is important for you not to make the wrong decision.

Good luck