Saturday, January 30, 2010

I Love Her, But She’s Too Self-supporting

 Dear Agatha, 

I write to you as an old man contemplating marriage a second time to a woman who is in her late 40s. I am in my 60s. She is one woman who is confident and extremely industrious. Apart from her beauty,  things she has which the other women I have met so far don’t have are sincerity, intelligence and integrity. 

She is too much of a woman to care about the naughty things men get up to. But I guess these are the very things that are scary about her person. As a young man, I would have been scared out of my wits by her, but having been married for almost three and a half decades, I feel more confident as a man to handle her.

However, there is something that is still scary about her; she seems unperturbed by my deliberate refusal to offer her any form of financial assistance even when I am aware she is going through crisis. 

It is such a funny feeling not to be needed by a lady. She totally ignores my financial assistance so much that I am beginning to wonder if she has someone else in her life who is meeting all her financial obligations. I had truly expected her to come begging me for money, but rather than do that, she has ignored me going about her life as if there is no man in her life. 

Sometime ago, I told her to forward to me a list of the food she likes as well as the schools her children attend. Not only did she tell me she wasn’t into submitting a list of requirement to a man, she said if I intended helping her, I should send whatever I could afford. 

I have never met a woman like her because I am used to women depending on the choices I make for them, running and courting me. She is the opposite of them all, including my late wife. I really want and love her, but how do I manage this woman? How do I make her depend on me? I truly commend your wisdom and would have been fooled into thinking you are an old woman if not for the photograph of yours on this column as well as that on your blogspot. 

Old Man.



Dear Old Man, 

Thanks for the compliments. 

At almost 50, you can’t change her from who she is into someone you want, just as she cannot make you do things you don’t want to do. You are both at the age of tolerance and understanding that marriage does not mean change but a willingness of the two parties to work together despite all odds. 

From now, you have to learn to respect her as well as accept the fact that before you came along, she had her life properly mapped out. 

She may not feel any compelling reason to ask you for financial assistance particularly if on your own, you know she has need of it. Since you are unwilling to offer help, she may have decided to ignore you and continue functioning in the mode she functioned before you came into her life. 

If she has children, it means she is used to responsibilities and must have managed beautifully well for you to notice the qualities that make her stand out. 

You will understand her better if you take out time to know about her past more intimately. A lot of your understanding of her disposition would come from your knowing how long she has been on her own as well as the role the father of her children is playing in the lives of those children. If divorced or widowed, how long? What challenges did she go through to make her the kind of person she is today? Often, the experiences we pass through in life shape our being. You have to know all these facts to know how to manage her and understand her mindset. Her experiences may have taught her to be self-dependent to the exclusion of any man in her life. In this case, appreciate it isn’t a personal thing but a wall she has erected around herself to protect herself and children from the consequences of emotionally influenced decisions. 

When a woman is used to being on the driver’s seat for too long a time, the way a man handles such a woman would be different from the way he would handle one who has depended on a man all her life. She perhaps didn’t think it necessary to give you any list believing if you are actually interested in offering her some form of financial assistance, you will surprise her by bringing the essential food items to her house. Food isn’t clothes that you need to worry about like what her taste would be. Food is essential and there are basic ones that are universal; just as provisions too are. If she doesn’t eat them, her children will. There will always be someone in her house who would. 

These kinds of women are often moved by such thoughtful surprises. Asking her to furnish you with a list is begging the issue and calls to question your intentions. Next time, surprise her. If in doubt, stick to rice, fish, palm oil and vegetable oil. These are items no woman can do without in her kitchen. 

You can get to know the schools the children attend by subtle enquiry. Ask her directly; get to meet with them first through telephone conversation before offering to accompany their mother to visit them. This way, you make it clear to her that you intend to feature in the lives of her children along with hers. Once you get to meet them, going to them alone won’t be a major problem because by then you would have a clear picture of the role of their father in their lives as well as the disposition of the children to your relationship with their mother. 

Managing this kind of woman isn’t as tough as you may think. Simply by learning to trust and give her the encouragements she needs is the only way to elicit respect from her. You have to learn to appreciate her first to get the best from her. If you insist on treating her like all the women you have met, you risk losing her respect and love.

Good luck.


Friday, January 29, 2010

My Husband Thinks I Hate His People

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for you and your advice, which teaches women how to behave in our homes. I am a 26-year-old 2004 graduate, I finished my youth service in 2006 and since then I have not found employment. I am the only child of my parents who are now separated. 

Though I am now married, I have so many issues with my husband. We were live-in lovers with two children until we decided on a court marriage last year after five years of living together. 

At the initial stage of our relationship, my husband complained about my attitude to his family members. He accused me of not liking them. Since then I have been trying to adjust so much so, his sister now lives with us. She has been with us for over a year now. 

Not once did the sister and I have any problem but my husband still thinks I don’t like his family members. 

During the birthday anniversary of my first child, my mother came to help me with the arrangements. During the course of it, my husband and I had a little disagreement necessitating me to remind him that his house wasn’t my matrimonial home yet. My mother tried to mediate by trying to take my side and explain what she thought I meant by the statement.

At least, he didn’t exhibit his hurt at my statement at the party. I later apologised for my statement as well as my mother’s behaviour since I knew it wasn’t right for her to have so blatantly supported my position. I knew she was trying to make peace but went about it the wrong way. That was in 2006. Since then my husband has been very cold towards my mother. The two of them barely talk and I have tried to talk to my husband but he is not a very forgiving person. I feel bad because his mother too has made some very costly statements but I have refused to be offended by whatever she says. 

My mother suffered so much to train me in school when my father neglected us, so it’s hurting because my mother deserves better from her son-in-law.

Since I am not working yet, I depend on him to send my family money for upkeep. But because we had some disagreement last Christmas, when he accused me of being only interested in him because of the money I get from him, I protested the idea of him sending money to my family through his. I told him it would only make me more vulnerable to his family. I reminded him that if he is of the view that I am with him because of money, what will his family think? More so, it wasn’t proper for them to know how much he sends to my family.  

Although he later sent the money separately, he is insisting he won’t do that again, that it was primitive of me to think his family capable of thinking like that. 

I have tried to talk to him but he is shunning me that right now I am beginning to get tired of the whole thing we call marriage. Apart from all I have said, he is difficult to please, always wanting things done his way. When I do things his way, he will still complain.  

Please, what should I do since I don’t want to be divorced like my mother?  

Hurting wife.



Dear Hurting Wife, 

First, I want you to appreciate one thing that no marriage is free of challenges. What usually makes the difference is the determination and selflessness couples, especially the women, put into making it work.

It is obvious that you and your husband didn’t take time out to study each other before taking the decision to live together, have children and marry. There wasn’t much time for you especially to study the man you would end up spending the rest of your life with. 

Although you have made the mistake, you can still do a lot to remedy the situation. And it is to do what you didn’t do from the beginning. If there is anything you have achieved staying with him for this long, it is to know his person. You know he is difficult, hard to please, unforgiving and all the other things you don’t like in a man. What about those things he is good at? For instance, despite his attitude towards your mother, he is still concerned enough to send money to her for her upkeep. It is commendable on his part because not every man would do this. 

A lot of men would have made sure you felt the impact of your lack of job by refusing to help with the upkeep of your family. That he is doing it without complaining shows that whatever his other faults are, he cares sufficiently for you. It will do you a lot of good to always remember this and commend him for it. No matter how nasty and unappreciative he is, the fact that he does this for you without complaining or making you beg for it underscores your importance in his life. By learning to show appreciation for what he is doing for your family, you point him in the direction you want him to go without fighting him or nagging. He may not catch on to it immediately but showing courtesy and appreciation for whatever he does for you will, after a while, teach him to say thank you too. It takes patience and selflessness on your part to get him to be the kind of man you want. 

So, going back to the drawing board is to take stock of what you don’t like about him, what you find outstanding and those things you instinctively know that you cannot change about him. 

The essence is to help you know which area of his character you should concentrate effort on, which will at the end of the day aid in the stability of your marriage. 

Another way to convince him of your openness to his family is to request to visit his mother. On the surface, this may not appear appealing or the best of ideas but when you consider the fact that these are people you cannot avoid, people who have been part of his life and whom he appears to be very attached to, getting him to thaw his attitude towards your own mother is for him to see that you have nothing against his people. It isn’t enough for you to wait until they come to you, visit them in their own territory. You don’t have to like his mother but you must endure her nastiness and attitude for the sake of your own happiness in her son’s life as well as those of your children. It is one of the many sacrifices you have to make to stay happy in this marriage. 

Spending one week with your mother-in-law will not kill you. Being a woman yourself, you will one day find yourself in her position and would expect your daughter-in-law, no matter what, to recognise your contributions to the life of your son. Do it, not because you want to but for the reason that you have to. 

Even though some mothers-in-law are unpleasant, if she sees make a genuine effort at loving and accommodating her, she has the influence to make her son drop some of the annoying behaviours towards you. But you have to spread out your arms like a child to her before she can help you.

Having lived with him for some years now, don’t you think it is time you changed your method of approach to issues? Common sense demands that when one method isn’t working we try another one. Getting angry with him won’t get him to change, rather it would make him more determined in his ways. By learning to ignore certain things, you give yourself more attempts at peaceful resolution to your differences. 

Also, there is the need for you to impress it on him to open up a business for you. Let him know that doing so would take the pressure off him asthe sole provider of everything at home. To be frank, the pressures may at times make him behave out of character. 

As for your mother, allow it to run for now. Don’t force it. Continue to plead with your mother who is the more matured one. Overtime, things would work out, especially if you learn to pray more and depend on God for His presence and intervention in your home. 

Good luck. 


Monday, January 25, 2010

Hearing Of Her Dialogue With Her Ex Nags Me…

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your help over a problem bothering me. There is this girl I love and cherish so much. She happens to be my first love and the most exciting thing about her is that she loves me as much as I love her.

The problem is that a guy she once dated and had broken up with is still very much around her. They still call each other and I am not comfortable with it. 

I get disturbed whenever I hear them talk to each other. What should I do? Should I ask her never to call or receive his call again?

Worried Boyfriend.


Dear Worried Boyfriend, 

The basic ingredient of any relationship is trust. All you have to do is to understand the nature of their friendship. There are some couples that after terminating their sexual relationships are able to remain good friends on account of the kind or quality of love they played up while dating. 

That these two are no longer romantically involved doesn’t make them enemies or unable to function as good friends. She must have gone into the relationship with him for a different reason from the reason she is in a relationship with you. That they are able to remain friends shows that the relationship they had wasn’t meant to be. Some couples function best as very good friends rather than as lovers.

Instead of trying to break them up, what you should do is to try to get close to this other guy. Get to be his friend also and find out his motive for still wanting to be around your girlfriend. If he is out to make trouble for her, you will know just as you stand to gain from him if he is really a friend. There are things he knows about your girlfriend, you don’t know. Being an older friend, he is in a position to help you with some issues you are still trying to unknot about her. His positive influence on her could aid you both to have a smoother relationship.

And if you are really not comfortable about the relationship, be careful you don’t end up spoiling something good by your jealousy. Call and explain to her why you don’t want her to continue the relationship. Don’t give her the general excuse that you don’t want the boy in her life, saying that would cause problems between the two of you. What you should do is to give her concrete reasons, based on your relationship with the guy you think she should be out of his life. 

By also asking her how she would feel if you were the one still conversing regularly with your ex will also make her think twice about her decision to continue the friendship with her former boyfriend without it causing problems between the two of you. 

The important thing is not to give her the impression that you don’t trust her. This is usually what causes the problem of stubbornness and refusal to give up an old habit for the new person in our lives.  

By carefully outlining your need of her in your life as well as the insecurity you feel at this relationship with her ex, it becomes a subtle and not a forceful attempt at making her do your bidding. It has to be gently done to be effective and appealing a choice to her. 

Good luck.

How Do I Handle Love Sermons From My Ex-classmate?


Dear Agatha, 

I thank God for the wonderful things you have being doing through your column. I confess many wounds are being healed through you. There is this girl who was my classmate while in primary school. We were not just classmates, but also neighbours, hence we exchanged visits to each other’s homes. We got to know each other’s families. 

When we were in JSS 3, I left to live in Enugu with one of my uncles where I completed my secondary school education. She also left for Port Harcourt at about the same time. We temporarily lost touch until she called my phone one day to announce she was the one at the other side of the phone. I was excited to hear her voice so many years after. We had both finished secondary school. Since then we began to communicate on phone and she always ended her conversation by either telling me she loves or misses me to which she always expected a response in like manner. I always decline to oblige her with the right kind of reply she seems to want. 

Agatha, the point is that she wants me to marry her. I don’t want to because I have made up my mind not to marry any girl who was once a classmate. Besides, she lacks the qualities, like intelligence and good character I envisage in the woman I intend spending the rest of my life with.

How do I handle her attraction to me? What do I tell her?
Jack.


Dear Jack, 

Tell her the truth about your interest in women. By refusing to say anything, allowing her to continue to grow her interest in you, you are unwittingly giving her the impression that you share in her emotional sentiments for you. 

If you refuse to nip it in the bud now, it could create a problem for you by the time you meet a woman you are interested in and want to keep. This is on account of her being your childhood friend and the fact that she knows so many things most people except those that go way back about you.  Therefore it isn’t in your interest to allow her interest in you linger more than necessary. Because she goes back a long way and knows your family, she might completely disappear from your life for good. For this reason, you must not only tell her the truth about your preferences, but to also make her understand that it isn’t anything personal. That tried, as you would have loved to have her in your life, you know she deserves someone better than you, that special person who can make her happier than you could ever do. You have to learn to massage her ego, present yourself as the problem that would arise in the event of a relationship between the two of you. To get her to let you be, don’t give the impression that you find her character and attitude imperfect for you. This could make her bitter as well as resentful enough to make her want to hit back at you in an unexpected manner and when you least expect. Hell has no fury as a woman’s scorned. Irrespective of what you feel, don’t forget it took guts for her to come in the open with her feelings for you. Having known you for most of her life, she feels confident to say what she has said. For this reason you have to be sensitive and wise in rejecting her offer so as not to bruise her in the side that would hurt her the most and forgiveness impossible to give. It must also be done in such a way that the door of your old friendship doesn’t suffer permanent damage now or later in life. 

How you handle this would go a long way in determining what becomes of your friendship. Once she understands that you have grown from the boy she used to know, developed tastes she knows nothing of and have moved away from the things that used to interest you when you were both in primary and junior secondary schools as well as the fact that it isn’t a personal thing against her, she will be able to handle your turning down her offer with the maturity it deserves. 

By the time she understands that you are not interested in having a relationship, there won’t be need for you to worry about her demand to have you marrying her.  All you need is wisdom and an openness she will understand. 

Good luck. 

She Goes Dumb After I Made My Zeal For Her Public


Dear Agatha,

There is this girl I am in love with, she just stopped talking to me. I started asking for her forgiveness despite the fact that I did not hurt her. But I really do feel for her, I am confused. I want to know if our relationship is still intact. Kosisiochukwu.


Dear Kosisiochukwu, 

Before apologizing, you must know what you have done. Sometime we unknowingly do things that hurt loved ones. By apologising, you are giving the impression you know what the problem is. The danger of offering apology for something you didn’t offend is the power it gives to the other person to misbehave. If you have done anything to hurt her, the normal thing is for her to complain of it to you, not shutting yourselves out of her life.  But for the sake of peace and strengthening of the relationship, call her to ask what the problem is; her explanation would help put things in the right perspective as well as knowing precisely what is causing her to behave strangely to you. The dialogue would tell if her reasons are real or simply an excuse for her to move on with her life. Whatever happens know that the will of God is what matters at the end of the day. 

Good luck

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I’m Not Good In Bed

Dear Agatha, 

I have been married for just one year and already my husband is complaining bitterly about my sexual performance. 

I have tried to be the kind of woman he wants me to be but I am limited severely by the type of training I got as a young child. My mother presented sex as dirty and only done when a man and woman are making babies.

She told me never to allow my man use me as a sex tool; that it was ungodly for a man and woman to have sex when they are not thinking of making babies. She said men were selfish and animals who were always requesting for sex from women. 

She told me never to undress in the presence of my husband and that we should always do it when it is dark. My elder sister whose husband threw out of her matrimonial home has told me not to mind our mother if I don’t want to end up like her; her husband is now married to another woman. My mother says my sister’s husband is the son of the devil. She says any woman who enjoys sex is a prostitute.

My husband respected me enough not to pressure me into having sex with him before our wedding night. A month after our wedding I still hadn’t allowed him near me until he forced himself on me one night. 

Since then, it has been a tug of war getting me to sleep with him. I love my husband so much; I don’t want to lose him to another woman. I am forced to come to you to teach me what I should do to keep him. I am sure his decency and respect for me is what is keeping him from going after other women because not only is he extremely handsome, he has both the means and experience to get any woman he wants.

I am really desperate to do what I have to do. Please help me if you really want this marriage of mine to survive. You are the only hope I have as I can’t discuss this with any other person and don’t even have any idea where to begin from. I am 28 years old while my husband is 32.

Ann.



Dear Ann, 

This is tough. The first place to start is to go back in time to your youth and all those things your mother said about sex. As a young woman of 28, you have your own mind and have the exposure as well as knowledge to know that sex is a natural process between a couple; that it is the right of your husband to have access to your body on demand and his privilege to enjoy sex with you. 

So the issue of you holding yourself from your husband doesn’t arise. It is his right to take and yours too to enjoy the thrills that come from the intimacy of a man and woman being together in that dance of time. 

When a man and woman live together, shame becomes non-existent. Your body becomes his property and his yours too. He has a right to view and touch your body any time of the day just as you have all the rights in the world to touch him where no other woman, not even his mother, can touch him.

Seeing and touching each other at will is one of the reasons we get married. Desiring your husband doesn’t make you a prostitute and at any rate, if you aren’t his prostitute by virtue of your position as his wife, whose prostitute would you be? That of a total stranger? If you don’t give him as he desires, other women are waiting in the wing to do anything to have him just like the experience of your sister shows. 

Men are generally like babies, they know only the hands that feed them and care for their needs. Your husband may be decent and respectful of your feelings but there is always a limit to endurance, especially when the topic has to do with sex. As a mature adult male, used to sleeping with women, it would get to a point his body would demand for it. Whether the likes of your mother admits it or not, at a certain stage in one’s life the desire for sex is akin to that of hunger, this is particularly true for men generally. It must have an out; don’t wait until your husband gets to the point of desperation else the results would be devastating.

There is really nothing to do. Since your husband knows you are very inexperienced and confused as a result of what your mother fed you with, go to him and ask him to be your teacher. If he doesn’t know the full story of your mother’s version of the facts of life, sit him down and tell him everything. Remember, this isn’t your shame but that of your mother who painted a very negative picture of sex to you. Your explanations would help him understand the enormity of the work he has to do to bring you out of your emotional shell. 

It will help him begin the ABC with all the patience and tolerance that will make you an expert yourself. 

On your part, make the job easy for him by following his examples without fighting or resisting the changes he is introducing. Don’t be shy or ashamed; you are safe in his hands because he is the one man God gave the rights and permission to touch any part of your body unhindered. He is the only one licensed by both the laws of God and man to see you at your most vulnerable and beautiful. 

Sex is a very special gift, a beautiful one given by God in His wisdom to mankind. It isn’t just for procreation but also a powerful tool to bond couples. It is the spiritual arm of the relationship that brings the body, spirit and soul of a couple together. It is the endless and mystic bond that keeps couples together. 

To reduce its value to just a baby making purpose not only cheapen its fundamental nature but brings it to the level of the lesser animals who only come together during their mating season. 

Sex to the humans is a tool of communication, companionship, relaxation, covenant, expression of one’s feelings, friendship, trust, interdependence on each other and agreement to journey together in every way. 

If your mother deprived your father of all these, she got away with it because your father allowed it. Your husband isn’t your father and has shown that he isn’t going to allow his rights to be trampled upon by his woman. He is a man who knows what he wants and isn’t making pretences about it. 

You don’t need any book for now because God has equipped you with all the knowledge you need to make everything happen. Just follow your natural instincts, not the ones forced on you by your mother. 

To make the experience memorable for you, see it as a precious gift you want to give your man, the one you married and love very much.

The secret of the moment lies in your ability to relax and allow yourself to swim without resistance. Trust your man implicitly with your body, spirit and soul. Let him lead you into the world of adventure God gave you both as a special gift of his understanding and appreciation of who we are as well as our needs. God is a father in all ramifications and anticipates all our needs even before we know what we want. He has not condemned you, so don’t allow anybody, even if the person is your mother, give you a burden God hasn’t given to you.

Your mother or her opinion of you doesn’t matter anymore, what matters is what your husband thinks of you and your happiness together as a couple. Trust me, this journey is one you will always cherish and enjoy.

 Good luck. 


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Inter-faith Wedding: Any Joy After The Altar Trip?

Dear Agatha, 

Thank you for helping in solving our relationship problems. I pray God solves yours too. 

I am a girl of 23 years, a Christian, but dating a Muslim guy. We love each other so much that we plan to get married in future. The much I know of him is impressive. Every bit of his character agrees with mine, he doesn’t allow religious differences to come between us. Instead, whenevehim in my prayers.

I have considered everything about him, and considering him from my human mind he has everything I have always desired in a husband. But my fears now are whether he will change after we are married? We have been dating for over a year now, and his love for me has been increasing each day. But will he still allow me continue as a Christian after we are married? What should I do and say when my family members try to discourage me. I don’t want to make a mistake that I will regret later in life. Please help me. I am so confused now.

Confused Girl.


Dear Confused Girl, 

I would start by asking you what you understand by the four-lettered word, love. I ask because there is no way you can recognize it without you knowing it. Besides, true love has a way of coming in unexpected packages. It takes a true knowledge and understanding of love to withstand the harsh challenges that comes with falling in love outside the expected package.

Both of you have to want each other sufficiently enough to be able to withstand the definite out-burst and avalanche of protests that would follow the announcement of your relationship to the outside world. 

It is not whether he would allow you continue in your faith, but a matter of your love being strong enough to go the whole mile with him, being the one who might be expected at a point in the marriage to give up everything familiar for the unknown. 

The truth in mixed religious marriages is that more often than not the woman is the one who after a while has to make the major sacrifices even when the man gives her the freedom to continue to be in her ways. The interest of the children is usually what makes the woman reconsiders her decision. For now, there may be no problem between you and the man, but once the children start coming, the decision would have to be made on the religion they have to adopt, at least, till they are old enough to make the decision themselves.

To avoid the attendant confusion, anger and bitterness that usually follow such major family decisions, it is wise you and your man project into the future and discuss all likely grey areas as well as high tension zones before making it public. Even if your parents don’t protest your coming together, his especially would want to know what both of you have discussed about the religion of your children. No matter how liberal-minded your family or his is, the fact remains that you must be practical and comprehensive in your attitude and approach to this very delicate issue. You must be prepared at every point for the challenges of the two of you getting married. While you both must concentrate efforts and discovering your weak points as well as your strong ones, you both must adopt the right kind of attitude to make it work, have the type of disposition that will see issues that come up as normal ones, and not because you belong to different religions.

When religion is made to take the place of the culture of marriage, you both risk destroying the chance of it working in the first place. For you both to move on, there must be a healthy respect of your huge differences while at the same time understanding that these differences make both of you unique and your relationship precious. There must also be a willingness to dig into these divergences in your religions with a view of finding a common ground of appreciation. If two people with sharp cultural differences end up having a wonderful marriage, there is no major reason beyond the state of our minds why both of you can’t marry. 

Truthfully if I am to go by my religious beliefs as a Christian, I would discourage you, but being a counsellor and one who knows that God’s mind is unreadable and His ways unknown to man except Him, go to God first in prayers to seek His face earnestly. Let Him talk and show you what to do and how to go about it.

With God on your side, meeting his family and saying the right thing won’t be a problem. Because God in it, you will know what to say that will make you acceptable to them as well as your own family too. 

On the issue of change, it has nothing to do with religion. Change is an individual function, one which comes from the person we are rather than from the religion we profess. A lot of time we use religion and culture to mask our true nature and character. When we all learn to accept responsibility for our actions, our relationships would be a lot better. If he is going to change or you for that matter, it is because you both have it in you and not on account of the religion you each belong to.  However, be prepared that somewhere along the line, some things would change in his character and yours too. These come from living together and getting exposed to each other’s weaknesses as well as strengths. In most cases they are not really changes, but a process that comes from intimate knowledge of the person, expose to character flaws that one didn’t bother with during the courtship period. If you realise these changes are simply the aggregation of who we are, it will be easier to make the sacrifices to stay and to make it work against all the odds. Remember, in all these, that your relationship is peculiar to you and that what works for you may not work for me, just as what is working for me may not work for you. Don’t because of what people would say throw away your God given solution to your happiness in life, which is why you must stay extremely close to God to be sure He is with you in this would be adventure of a lifetime.

Good luck. 

Hope Speaking Of My Feelings For Him Won’t Disgrace Me Later?

Dear Agatha,
I want to thank you for solving people’s problem. I have this issue eating me up and don’t have a clue as to how to go about it.
There is this friend of mine. We have been together for over a year now. I know he is interested in me, but has said nothing. When I also began to feel something for him, I sent him a text message informing him of my feelings for him. He called me back to inform me of the need for both of us to sit and discuss. 

My fear is that I don’t know if what I did is right, because I am scared of any damage to my reputation.

Worried Lady.


Dear Worried Lady, 

Don’t be afraid. You haven’t done anything abnormal or damaging to your reputation by informing him of your interest in him. If he is unable to handle it and thinks you are cheap as a result of it, then he isn’t worth your time, because it means he is lacking greatly in maturity and wisdom. Should he turn out to be that kind of man, you are better off without him in your life, and it would be such a precious waste of time to invest your emotions on him.

Hear him out without feeling any shame or allow your misgivings prejudice whatever he has to say. Go to the meeting with an open mind and all the honesty you have inside of you. Having told him about your feelings for him, don’t back out now. His attitude at the end of the day would tell if he is out to mock your feelings for him or make both of you happy. 

By refusing to be ashamed of your feelings you unwittingly take away from him the power to hurt or make mockery of what you feel.

Good luck. 


Re: Her Hallmark Of Deceit Makes Me Sick Of Her Love

 Dear Agatha,

In as much as I cherish some of your advice, I disagree with your reply on this issue. You seem to want to pet the young lady. If what the guy has said is true, then he must be careful not to marry a woman that will likely commit adultery after marriage. For God’s sake she gets as much as she wants from the guy, but still has interest outside the relationship. Perhaps it’s between her and her ex. If she is stubborn and good at apologising, then she can commit adultery and apologise numerous times. It is obvious she can’t change. A woman that has a guy seriously ready to marry her should avoid such things. I really want to commend the guy for being patient, gentle and smart.

Concerned Reader

Monday, January 18, 2010

Wants Me In His Love Life Without Prior Contact


Dear Agatha, 

Please there is this little problem I want you to help solve. There is a friend whom I meet just once before he travelled to United Kingdom. Shortly before New Year, when he was due to return home, he called to ask me to be his girlfriend.

My problem is that I will be 26 years in three months. I haven’t been into any relationship ever since the disappointing relationship I had with my first boyfriend. I graduated last month. Please what will I do? 

Rossy.


Dear Rossy, 

I really don’t understand what you want or what the problem is. What has your being 26 years of age got to do with the fact of this man asking you to be his girlfriend? Is it that you are older than him or lied to him about your age?

Whatever it is that is causing you to be afraid, come out with the truth concerning yourself and your previous relationships. Also tell him the challenge you may be having, trusting him especially given the unpleasant way your former relationship ended. 

Knowing what he is up against in the area of trust will give him an idea of what to do. The best way to tackle this issue is to hear him out, his plans for you as well as how long you intend staying apart given the fact that he now lives abroad. Both of you should talk freely about your past and the relationships you have been through before you both met. This is one of the ways to entrench trust as well as build the right foundation for your relationship. No relationship survives suspicions and disloyalty. Also be vocal in telling him about your inner fears, including the one you have about your age, what you expect from him as well as your likes and dislikes. 

With prayers there isn’t anything that can’t be achieved in life. Even when everything seems hopeless and impossible, just hold on to your faith in God, trusting Him to do the best for you at His own time and season.

Good luck.


Before Her Husband’s Unbridled Quest For Sex Thwarts My Wedding

Dear Agatha,  

I had this classmate in the secondary school that became my best friend after being roommates at the polytechnic.She told me of a man that wanted to marry her, but that she declined. I persuaded her to marry him, but she refused.

During my Industrial Training in the same company where the man works, he wooed me. But I declined on the ground that he has interest in my friend. He told me my friend refused him, but I still declined to have anything to do with him, though I so much desired a husband then. I didn’t want to be accused by anybody of betraying a friend.

We later met them in Lagos as married couple, the wife became my best friend, and she was cherished by my husband as a true friend, but her husband refused to let me be. My friend did not know what transpired between us before they met and married. 

He is fond of trying to hug me when the wife is not watching. I have been trying to avoid him. Unfortunately, when my family travelled for Xmas, I had to move in with her. I couldn’t go with my family because of my job since I wasn’t given permission to travel. 

For security reasons I was scared of staying alone in a whole house where there was no other person. Despite my cautioning him about his behaviour and my appeal to him that he has the best wife in the world, he still won’t let me be. To avoid problems and suspicions, I refused to tell my husband or his wife about this. The couple maintains separate rooms and the room given me is closer to the man’s room. 

Knowing how mischievous he can be, I had to take to locking the door to the room since he is capable of sneaking into my room at night, because the wife hardly goes to his room. Noticing my friend’s attitude towards sex from our discussions, I have tried my best to encourage her to give him quality sex, but she appears adamant. 

During the time I was there, he would deliberately wait for me to emerge from the room to make attempts at hugging me. He actually forced himself into the room as I made attempts to lock the door. I had to run out of the room while my friend was in her room oblivious of what game her husband was trying to play with me. 

I can’t tell my friend least I break her home and I can’t tell my husband, he will break the relationship with my best friend. Although he has since apologized for his behaviour, what do I do? 

Should I completely keep off his house, tell my husband and friend about his behaviour?  She is more like a sister to me. We don’t have secrets beside this.

Worried Woman.


Dear Worried Woman, 

Marriage is sacred and whether you like it or not, you are becoming a third party in this marriage. Granted, you are trying your best to discourage him, the truth is that if you don’t put a wide distance between you, you are liable to that one mistake that would lead to the destruction of the very thing you are now trying to prevent. Don’t forget, feelings have no common sense, just passion and when it comes in a place and moment of weakness, it is done within minutes even before the person has the time to think. Don’t give this man the opportunity by your determination to keep his wife as your friend at all cost, make you do something that you will forever regret.

This is the time for you to make the important sacrifice of letting go of this friendship, because to insist on it is akin to playing with a naked fire. You are not indispensable to her. Before you met her, she had other friends just like you also had. There is no way she would ever understand that her husband has been the one chasing you from the moment you both re-established contact. Who would believe you when you have never told your husband about him or his wife about his desire to date you at your first meeting before now?

Sincerely, none of these two would ever trust or believe you, so do protect the integrity of your person and sanctity of your home, tell your husband about this past as well as the other things he has been trying to do to you since you met him again. Apologise too for not telling him before now as well as the reasons you decided not to.

You don’t have to tell the wife, but telling your husband would help you to deal with it once and for all. If your husband thinks it best for both families keep their distances from each other, follow his lead by setting aside your sentiment. 

If your friend persists in knowing what the matter is, why there seems to be a frost in the relationship, make up a story about being busy. Sometimes cruelty comes with love and this is one instance you have to be cruel for the sake of love and the happiness of another person. 

This doesn’t mean you have to end the relationship but it has to be given a new definition for the sake of all concerned. You can keep on being good friends through telephone conversation, text messages and e-mails. The friendship can still be as good, provided you are sensible enough to avoid her home or being alone with the husband. Both of you can have lunch together as well as see during the office hours. She doesn’t have to know from you the type of man she is married to.  That she will get to find out from other sources, your duty as her friend is to continue to encourage her to do what she has to do to keep her home. For instance, the issue of her attitude towards sex underscores the need for her to change her attitude if she intends keeping her home. Continue to make her understand the danger to her lukewarm attitude to sex is putting her marriage on dangerous end. Let her know it is capable of pushing her husband into the arms of another woman. 

It is for the collective you must make this painful decision to put a small distance between you and this couple at least in the area of going to spend time in her house or go without your husband. 

Also, you need is the wisdom and presence of God to do what you have to do.

Good luck. 


A-Z Secrets Of Successful Inter-racial Wedlock, Please

Dear Agatha,

The heartfelt prayers of your readers are that the lords will continue to strengthen you in all your endeavours.

Agatha, my question is “what is the best way to make inter-racial marriage work?” considering the kind of society we have, especially in the case of the man being a Nigerian and the woman, a foreigner, who has to come and live in the country.  

Worried Man.



Dear Worried Man, 

By being very forthright with the person you intend to marry. Because there will definitely be a clash of two cultures. The best thing to do is to thoroughly school the woman especially in the ways of your people. Let her know what is sensitive to your people, that important thing they will not compromise as well as those things they and your society expect of their wives. She has to be taught the traditional way of greeting one’s in-laws in your place, knowing the right words to use is always a bonus any day. You also have to teach her how to make your native cuisine. You don’t have to teach her everything but knowing one or two important ones will help put her at an advantage and make it easy for her to integrate.  Explain to her that while you don’t find anything wrong in the diet you have both adopted as your own, it is however important that she also learns to cook to please the extended family when they decide to visit. On this score, let her know that in Nigeria, the extended family system is one we support and cherish. Don’t pretend that you will continue to support her foreign ways because it won’t be possible with you living in Nigeria. Giving her the impression she would always have her ways is the best way to destroy your marriage. But by preparing her for the worst scenario, she is able to endure as well as deal with whatever challenges that come her way. 

Often, the problem with inter-racial marriages come from the man’s refusal to fully explain the way of life of his people (custom and tradition) to his would-be wife, forgetting that whatever it is the man is trying to hide will become manifest to the foreign wife as the days go by. By the time the woman realises that her man was stingy with the truth, the anger of deceit as well as attendant frustration would make explanations impossible for her to accept. But when she is told everything before she leaves certainty for uncertainty, it makes the adjustment easier for her to cope and deal with. 

Don’t also forget that even in marriages between two persons who are from the same place go through problem of adjustments, disagreement as well as accommodation of each other’s weakness. Once you both have the understanding as well as appreciation of each other’s weaknesses and strengths, it will work. In addition, you must learn to be very supportive of her efforts as well as protection from your people who may want to take advantage of her person or naivety to cause her stress. 

Knowing that you are always there for her even when she makes mistakes will encourage her to do more for your sake. This is where your own understanding of her culture comes to play. While she is expected to adapt to yours, you must never forget that she also grew up with a different kind of orientation, one she will never completely forget. Hence, you must, at all times, appreciate that little efforts that make everything whole in your relationship. 

Good luck.  


Re: Before Wanting Of Girl-child Breaks My Home

I read the above piece, and thought I could contribute a little. 

First, you were right with your response. But then, the writer had probably heard that severally. He asked a legitimate question. And I believe it will help if he knows the answer.  To start with, it is important to know that the egg cell released by a woman at ovulation can only contain an X chromosome. The semen, on the other hand, contains both an X chromosome, slower but lives longer, and a Y chromosome, which travels faster but dies early. So, intercourse three days prior to ovulation will most likely leave behind an X chromosome in the semen to fertilize the X chromosome from the woman. The result is a female.  This is because the Y chromosome may have died earlier. Ok? 

On the contrary, if the intercourse occurs after ovulation, that gives room for the faster chromosome from the man to fertilize the X chromosome from the woman. My bet is on the Y chromosome.  That will lead to male child.  However the main problem is to know when ovulation takes place. That is another discussion entirely. As a general rule, it is around 14 days to the end of the menstrual cycle.   This is my contribution. But then, I must say that God’s decision is final. And we just have learnt to love whatever we are given equally. By Dr. Mohammed, U.F.

Comprehensive Health Centre, Erijiyan-Ekiti, Ekiti State.

08022520296

Dear Dr. Mohammed,

Thanks for helping us to address this very important issue that is affecting most families. God bless you. Agatha.


Saturday, January 16, 2010

My Unrepentant Husband Wants Me Back


Dear Agatha, 

I have been married for four years now to a man who is a womaniser, gullible and grossly irresponsible with money and completely without integrity.

To be candid Agatha, he lacks commitment to anything. What is perhaps the most challenging aspect of our relationship now is the issue of him bringing women home when I am away. What more, these women take him to all sorts of prayer houses where he is told that his good friends and I are the ones behind his problems. He stopped eating at home on the orders of these prayer houses.

Unable to tolerate the situation any further, I packed out of the house in April this year. In August, he came back requesting I come back to the house but because I haven’t seen any true repentance on his side, I have refused to go back to him. 

Do I keep waiting for God to change him or move on with my life considering we don’t have any child between us? I have lost two pregnancies.

I am currently 42 years of age and would love to have a child of my own. What does God words really say to me? I need advice outside my family. 

Confused Wife.



Dear Confused Wife, 

Sincerely, I empathise with you. It will take only the special grace of God for you to do what is right considering the situation of your marriage. 

But this I know, that God in His wisdom never does things without a reason. At this critical point of your marital journey, you need to go back to God to ask Him specific questions and be very ready to abide with whatever He says. Most times, God doesn’t say the things we want to hear which makes us think He isn’t speaking on an issue. 

Yes, this marriage falls below the standard He wants for us. Ideally, the common sense thing to do is to pack it up and move on with your life but experiences have shown that it usually isn’t the right thing to do.

That he came back to beg you to return is one positive sign of your place in his life. It tells of his willingness to give the marriage a second chance. If you were not important to him, chances are he would never have bothered to come to beg you. 

When issues like this come up in a marriage, it pays to look deeper. What do you think could be wrong? Before you married him, what was he like? Could he be this irresponsible and you still went ahead to marry him? What are your own contributions to the situation in your home even though it doesn’t excuse him bringing the women home?

To help you understand the nature of the problem you are battling with, extend your searchlight outside your matrimonial home to his brothers and uncles. What are their marriages like? What was the marriage of his parents like? Did his father indulged in womanising, bringing women to the house just like him? Who are his friends? What influences do they have over him? Is he bothered about the issue of lack of children in the marriage?

Sometimes, the things we think are ordinary problems may have far deeper religious implications than we give it credit for. There is the need for you to consider the spiritual angle to your matrimonial problem. Is the problem from his side or yours? I ask because even though men are known to be promiscuous, bringing his dates to the house, following them to homes of spiritualists who now dictate what happens in your home. If he weren’t under some negative spiritual influences he would have known without being told that you would be the target of these women and the spiritualists. 

If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, please go back because battles like this cannot be fought from outside. You have to be in the house to help him out of the spiritual prison he has put himself. Whether he admits it or not, many of these women he has tangled with would have manipulated his life in such a way he would be blind to so many things happening around him. 

As his wife, you have the responsibility of helping to refocus on the important things in life. He has to be reminded, not through nagging or fighting, of his responsibilities towards you. As his wife, there is no doubt that he has offended you, embarrassed you as well as made mockery of your marital vows but the fact remains that your place is with him. At 42, you don’t have many choices and what man would you meet at your age that is without some forms of challenges? Would you again walk away when these challenges come? There is always the possibility of you ending up with a man who is worse than this, one who enjoys assaulting a woman physically.

Marriage is a journey of tolerance, sacrifices, choices to be happy, strength to succeed against all odds, faith in the things we don’t see and ability to ignore so many things for the sake of one’s peace of mind. Change would come to your home provided you are ready to make the sacrifices. The vow to love him through thick and thin is made of this stuff. Despite your pains, you must find it within your heart to pray for him. If need be, solicit the assistance of your pastor to help you with prayers. There is nothing prayers cannot change. Pray with a sincere heart, God listens and does things to glorify His name. All you need is the grace to be patient. All these women are strangers in your home; don’t give them the privilege of turning you into the stranger in that home. Be bold to pray them out of your home. You must have loved the man and he you for both of you to have decided to marry. That love that brought the two of you together isn’t lost but buried under the burden of the challenges facing your home. Just as it takes two to tangle, it also takes two to destroy something special. In all these, you also have your faults. Be honest enough to accept yours to enable this marriage move on. 

The children would come if both of you are able to achieve the required understanding in your home. You need peace to be able to carry a child to full term. Let him understand that his attitude is the reason you are having miscarriages that as a woman your body cannot endure the emotional torture he is making you go through. 

Don’t be far from your knees. God will change it to suit His purpose for you and your marriage. 

Good luck.